Why — oh why — must I always apologize when someone does something to me? They bump into me. They step on the back of my foot. They crowd the elevator trying to get in, while I’m trying to get out. And yet I find myself apologizing! What’s up with that? I think it’s just my way of acknowledging the incident, without being rude, or making them feel bad. But why must I apologize? How about I just say “It’s okay.” or “Don’t worry about it.” regardless of whether they say anything or not.
But it doesn’t end there.
Sometimes I find myself going out of my way in order not to be a nuisance to people who wouldn’t show me the same courtesy. For example:
I was at Best Buy with my Dad. It was right after Christmas so the line was enormous. We got about halfway to the register when he remembered that he wanted to show me the Samsung television he was looking at, which apparently got the best score in Consumer Reports. He told me where it was, but I didn’t want to leave the line to look at it. I worried that people would get annoyed at the sight of me getting back on line if they didn’t know the situation. So I didn’t do it, feeling bad that I made it seem that I didn’t share my Dad’s interest in the TV, but I didn’t think it would be worth the hassle of potentially annoying fellow line waiters.
So when we get to the front of the line, we’re paying separately so my Dad gets called to a register before me. The register is very close, and I overhear him being asked for his Best Buy card, but he doesn’t have one. I do though, and I step off the line saying “You can use mine.” Just then the next customer on line is called and the guy after me takes it right out from under me! I know it’s a misunderstanding, but it’s thoughtless on his part and it just irks me that it happened, especially after I didn’t go look at the TV because I worried about what other people would think.
But I can’t start being a jerk just because so many other people around me are jerks. It’s just not the type of person I am. I’m the kind of guy who’s parents don’t call him on the train because they know how much he doesn’t like talking on the train and bothering other people. The kind of guy who cleans every flake of snow off his car, just to drive behind the person who only wiped what was necessary to see out the back window while the rest of the snow flies at me so I can’t see.
I don’t really know what the point of this post is. To tell you how awesome I am, perhaps? But you already knew that. So I guess I’ll ask what pet peeves drive you crazy and the lengths you go through to avoid doing these peevish things yourself, while others continue to not show you the same courtesy.
As I get older, I find myself worrying less and less about what other people think of me and concentrating more and more on what motivates me to behave the way I do — both positive and negative. This weekend when I did my weekly grocery trip, I let a person goin front of me in the line that I was standing in. He was grateful and smiled and thanked me. Nice guy, right? Don’t judge too quickly. Just before that, I’d noticed that it appeared the closed register beside us was just about to open and I wanted to position myself to grab it — and giving away my spot in line allowed me to do that — a spot the “grateful” guy would’ve gotten had I not been so “nice.” An asshole in the guise of a courteous soul.
But there’s the (occasional) good thing too. Like not giving a damn if people think I’m weird for going to the neighborhood pub by myself and sitting at the bar to read a book. Or wearing a pink Star Wars t-shirt. Or (very occasionally) being myself.
But mostly I’m an ass. I can just hide it really well.
And to answer what really peeves me: People that move into the passing lane on the freeway to go around a car that’s going 2 mph slower just so they don’t have to disable their fucking cruise control. So you’re stuck behind them for 7 miles as they inch ever closer to being able to get the hell out of your way. Ugh. (I drive 100+ miles a day — and this happens all…the…time.
Love this post, btw.
It’s always cool to get more insight into what makes Craig tick.
Its cause you’re really a Canadian honey.
We apologize for everything. Oh, there’s a war in Bosnia? I’m so sorry, my fault. Everyone says we are perpetually polite, I don’t mind people thinking that and I think I am pretty polite. I do say sorry if you run me down, I hold doors and 90% of the time people say thanks.
The only things that really made me berserk are driving things. Like thinking the your one wheel is supposed to drive ON the dotted line, not in between them. Going 80 when the speed limit is 100 and most people are going 115. (That’s km, don’t get excited.) Blocking the intersection so I can’t get through when I get the green because gee, you are now 15 feet that much closer to home and having to wait on the other side of the red might have slowed you down by 8.5 seconds. I always make a point of letting people in when I drive, I hope people do it for me and I always give the “thank you” wave and appreciate it when I get it in return. It does kind of annoy me when you can tell I specifically slowed down to let someone in and they just ignore the fact. I may be polite but I want to be thanked for being polite. Most people do I think.
I guess driving is my big thing now because of the transit strike and the fact that it takes me 2 to 3 time as long to get to work/home as it did before with so many more people on the road. And to be honest most people are really good but there is always one or two that make me a little crazy. Most other stuff I can let go with a shrug, I’m never in that much of a hurry that I need things NOW unless people are being really rude about it.
Oh and just walking into Best Buy makes me crazy. I HATE that store and I get rude and pissy just driving by. So you wouldn’t have bothered me by getting out of line and back because I’d be so in a high snit by then I likely wouldn’t have noticed.
People clipping their fingernails on the subway
men sitting with their legs open on the subway taking up 1 1/2 seats
people talking too loudly on the subway
People eating meals on the subway
People leaving their trash on the subway
I guess the whole subway experience! I am about to go postal on the subway, believe me…
Hayden: Totally agree with you on the clipping fingernails thing! I’m like “Don’t do that! You’ll shoot somebody’s eye out!”
Um, I eat meals on the subway. If I’m hungry I will be damned if I’m going to wait to get home. I welcome the dirty looks. It also usually means the seat next to me remains empty.
But on the subway theme: people who hold the doors for their six friends who haven’t even made it down the stairs yet. I’m with you on the guys who take up 1 1/2 seats, PLUS the people who put their purses or shopping bags on the seat next to them – even during rush hour, and the shrieking teenagers.
The biggest transit-related peeve is people on the bus who are sitting RIGHT NEXT TO THE REAR EXIT but feel they just must walk all the way up to use the front exit, forcing the people who are getting on to have to wait for them to get off, thus delaying everyone and also insuring we don’t make the next green light. I’ve murdered hundreds with my mental death ray for that one.
Why must you apologize when someone does something to you? Because you were raised right. I would have done the same thing at Best Buy. I think we say: “I’m sorry” to diffuse a situation and to cover for something of which we may not have been aware we were doing.
My biggest pet peeve is when people don’t take responsibility for their own actions. I face this every day in my work and I it will never cease to amaze me. I’m often approached by people who are angry and they either yell at or are rude to me, but their issue isn’t with me. My first response is to say: “I’m sorry.” The remainder of that sentence stays in my head. Sometimes, the other half is “that you are so upset”, but most times it is “that you are such an a55 hole”. I love when people come to complain to me about how their boss or co-worker treats them and how their behavior is *perfect* with absolutely no room for improvement.
My only other real pet peeve is cell phone behavior. I have a cell phone that is always on silent. If the Mrs. calls me and I am in public, I am only on the phone long enough to tell her I will call her back when I am in a private place. I never talk while driving as I hate when other people do it. I also really hate when people talk on the phone at the movies. Like David, my mental death ray has gotten some use in those situations.
I think I’ve outgrown this tendency in myself. I might still say “I’m sorry” but my face and body language betray me. I might as well be saying, “you, sir, a gigantic wart on the anus of humanity.”
Just thinking about my pet peeves and how I’ve been wronged in the past makes my blood boil, so I will not go into any details.
I’m also very good at saying I’m sorry and Excuse me and I always thank drivers who let me in/through and I wish other drivers would show me the same curtesy. I don’t care much anymore what strangers think of me in public places and as long as I’m not an obstacle/nuissance to them, I do as I see fit. I had to adopt this slightly more aggressive stance to balance out the BF, who is circumspect and polite to a point where it becomes impractical at times. That’s when I usually give him a kick and tell him to move.
Like Dave S., the older I get the less I care about pissing other people off. I’m generally not rude, but if someone does something to me that pisses me off, they know it. IN your example in the Best Buy line, if someone had jumped in front of me, I would have said something like, “Oh, excuse ME, so sorry I was in front of you in the line like that!” And when people bump into me and say nothing to me, then I say, loudly to them, “Excuse ME! Sorry to be in your way like that.” All sarcastic like. Sarcasm is my bosom buddy.
MY peeves, pretty much along the lines of Dave S. and Tam with the driving thing. I HATE idiotic drivers, no patience for them at all. nope, none.
I’ll vouch for Tam and the pleasantly surprising polite Canadians..even in a big city like Toronto.
And Craiggers, you do your apologies and such because you’re a good person who cares about other people and not selfishly about yourself. A very rare individual in today’s world. Keep up the good work.
HUGS…
Oh, one of my biggest pet peeves – people who stop when they get off the escalator. There’s a conveyor belt full of people who literally cannot stop for you, so why would you take one step off the escalator and then bend down to tie your shoes?
I say “I’m sorry” to people who bump into me too. After being in Mexico, some guy in the Newark airport hit me with his luggage and I said “Lo siento” and he walked away. lol.
My pet peeves are usually silly and not related to people’s behavior, but some are:
- When people say SPOILERS!!!!!!
- When people act cruelly toward celebrities because I feel like the business is so shady and no one really knows the truth about anyone famous
- Laughing/talking in songs (esp music videos when they cut off the music to have a talking scene)
- Oscar Wilde spelled wrong
- When drivers don’t unlock their doors until they’re in the drivers seat instead of when they open their door
- Misuse of ‘ignorant’
- As for driving, I hate when peeps don’t use their turn signals
Enrico: What about “Oops I did it again”? That has a talking scene in it.
I hate when songs have long drawn out endings. Off the top of my head, I am thinking of My Humps, which has about a minute of nonsense after the song actually ends.
Driving question about signalling:
If you are in a turning lane, a lane in which you MUST turn or run into a light post or on-coming traffic, is it necessary to signal? My daughter gives me hell for not signaling but I figure if I HAVE to turn its not like it will be a suprise to anyone behind me. Is there a rule about this? Likely but I figure the turning signal is optional.
I think it’s because of your fear of falling into an argument or discussion. You really go out of your way to avoid brazenly disagreeing and discussing. something. I must confess i’m a bit of an opposite. I do have a philosophy to explain it though. I truly believe that discussing (in civil terms of course) is the best way to arrive at better results. I hate anything that is considered “as is” or taken as the truth without reflection (I have a SERIOUS issue with religion, for instance). I think if you discuss and exchange arguments, and I even argue when I agree with someone, you get to something better. Maybe i’ll leave convinced and change MY mind. Anyway, that’s me. I think discussions lead to better conclusions about the world. Anyway, i’m off topic. The small things like the ones you talk about? Better ignore and move on, cause life’s way too short
I do the same things Craig. I think it’s just how I was raised. I try not to be rude, but most of the time people are just assholes. It’s really hard for me get over as well.
Maybe you should just practice being evil for an entire day?
I definately don’t think you should stop being polite and considerate. Your parents raised you to be a proper young man and if the rest of the world wants to behave like animals, so be it. Just secretly hold them in contempt.
Aww, Craig, it’s just cause you’re nice. Another 20 years dealing with the assholes might give you a little edge. I’m with Dave S. and Polt and find that the older I get the less I care what people think. At the rate I’m going, I’m going to be one cantankerous old woman.
My pet peeve: Customer service people who ignore me. Is it so hard to say, “I’ll be with you in a moment”? If they would just say that, I would be more than happy to wait. Sometimes I think I’m invisible.
“Sometimes I think I’m invisible.”
Who said that?!?!
There is a website devoted to annoying people. How suprising. The name is people who deserve it.
Their answer to everything is to hit the offender in the face. It doesn’t matter if it is a woman, or if the person is packing heat. IMO, there is enough violence already, and the PWDI solution if very seldom appropriate. While you may feel like a dork for being a nice guy, it is frequently the correct response. And you have created a sucessful blog out of dork.
Craig, if what you do feels good to you and lets you get through life easier, keep on doing what you are doing. You are a polite young man and those that have to deal with you will appreciate it and give you better service.
But if your behaviors give you ulcers, be it over wasted time or slights, start asserting yourself more.
Tam, drivers who turn without signaling is also one of my pet-peeves but imho I don’t think it necessary to have a turnsignal on in your case. But you may want to check in with your local traffic cop about this and of course turn the signal on to get into the must-turn lane.
Luckily, in Iceland, in order to be courteous, you’re not supposed to say anything, ever. Don’t say thank you, don’t say please, don’t say excuse me. (You can say thank you in stores).
If you’re getting out of a bus, instead of saying something to the person next to you blocking your way, you’re supposed to make it clear by getting your bag and putting on your hat or whatever that you need to get off. Then they stand up so you can get past them and sit back down. Saying excuse me (in Icelandic: afsakaðu) or something sounds impatient, so don’t say it unless you really are getting impatient, or the person hasn’t noticed your overt, yet silent, signals of wanting to leave.
If you find yourself in a store, it’s best to try to get everything with as few words as possible, without becoming rude. You just say: “Hi, could I have this, that and that.” The “associate” (as you Americans call the cashiers) will answer “anything else”, you say “no thanks”, you pay, the “associate” says “thank you” you say “likewise” and leave. Anything beyond this is annoying to the “associate”.
Those are just two examples of weird courtesy in Iceland. We don’t like to chat, we don’t like to talk to people we don’t know in the line or the street or whatever, we don’t speak to people on the bus unless we know them or they are the conductor. And that’s the way I like it. America is hard, there are a lot more instances where I have to speak up in order to not sound rude and I’m only just getting the hang of it.
But just to conclude, I too like to take every snowflake of my car etc. If there are rules or traditions of any kind in some field, I follow them as carefully as I can. Which is why I don’t use Icelandic rules of etiquette in America, people would just become angry.
I wish all ppl were icelandic. Talking to ppl I don’t know is an unbearable effort.
The last and only time I have gotten a speeding ticket, after the Officer handed me the “undeserverd” ticket, I was so flustered and nervous I actually said “thank you”. Yeah, Thanks for these points on my record
My driving related pet peeve is people who try to pass when two lanes are merging into one. Surprisingly, I find this to be more of a problem in Minnesota than San Diego.
People around you are jerks . . . I’m a person around you . . . This means WAR!
Now where do I find a Dorota?
Ryan R: Dorota is all mine….jerk!
Another pet peeve: When people over use the word literally. “That was literally disgusting.”
No, it’s just disgusting.
People who say “no pun intended” before a pun.
That’s the cashier’s fault for not being attentive. During my slave days as a cashier, I’d always say in such a situation, “Was that person ahead of you?”
I don’t mind people stepping out of line while someone holds their place. First, you were waiting in line. Second, it was only you. It is when one person holds a place for multiple people who weren’t in line that it becomes a problem.
I forgot people who use “supposably” when they mean “supposedly” and the over use of “know what I’m sayin’?”.
john: Also, you know, when, you know, people, you know, repeatedly, you know, assert, you know, that you, you know, know what, you know, they are, you know, going to, you know, say.
Readable version: Also, when people repeatedly assert that you know what they are going to say.
my pet peeve: Dave S
Jonah, darling, play nice! Didn’t we go through this over Amy Winemouse already? Then as now: methinks the lady doth protest to much.
Bernd: true about going over already. I shall refrain from protesting in the future. Please let my silence speak for itself….I will speak with my therapist about my issues in our next meeting.
Jonah Jonah Jonah… ::sigh:: Can you be at least a *little* less predictable with your announced pet peeves?
I am Jonah’s smirking revenge.
Craig: I love how many people use “literally” when they in fact exactly mean “figuratively”.
Dude, I must hear this literally 1000 times a day! (I almost worked in “groady to the max”, but then my inner Moon Unit Zappa quieted down.)
Not all such instances of ‘literally’ are technically incorrect:
“That dude gave us like literally a ton of homework!” The ‘like’ makes it okay; after all, ‘figuratively’ is like literally, is itn’t?
Oh, and the needless apology for witnessing someone else’s social blunderings: we must all agree to stop this, and stop it now. It has progressed to the point where I get ticked off at people in the grocery store aisles who say “Pardon me” or “Excuse me”, figuring that what they REALLY mean is “Hey, can you get a move on and get the heck out of my way?”
“Can you explain for the court why you slugged the victim?”
“Sure thing, your honor. He apologized for NO APPARENT REASON. The nerve!”
“Case dismissed!”
john: Supposably – There’s a Friends episode where Joey ponders the word. “Joey: Supposably? Supposably. Did they go to the zoo? Supposably.” Now Mr. M. and I say supposably.
Jalapeño = halapainyo. Not halapeeno or halapeno. Everyone pronounces the j correctlry, why not the rest? When I hear it mispronounced (cooking shows, commercials) I fly into a rage. Yep, I sure do.
Also, it’s “No problema”. Not “No problemo”. Stupid cyborg.
“Also, it’s “No problema”. Not “No problemo”.”
Does that mean all problems are girls and not boys? Makes sense to me!
TwoPi, I think “excuse me” is short for “You socially incompetent idiot, you are so self-absorbed, that I have to tell you to open your eyes, turn that f**king cell-phone off and move your ass out of my way. Next time I’ll ask with my shopping cart to your shins. And yes, Ross and Rachel were on a break.”
Michelle M, I think ‘no problemo’ harkens back to Alf’s days, which was picked up by the teenager for T2 who taught it to Arnie.
Craig, the pest (the illness) is also female (at least in German)
Bernd: Could you be any more amusing?
Craig – I like your banner thingie – that was a great scene from Wanted.
Bernd: Just read this on Wikipedia: This character Alf uses this phrase. In the Latin American version of the show, the phrase is translated as “no hay problema”.
Stupid wannabe muppet.
Thanks Michelle! I love that scene too. I just wish it was higher resolution. I hate how blurry it is. You’d think it would be easy to find a screenshot of that scene, but I spent a good hour or so looking for it, and that’s the best I could do!
Maybe if someone has the DVD they want to make a better screenshot and send it to me? Pretty please???
I hate it when people invade my personal space like when I’m at the cash register at a store or at the ATM or when I’m looking at something on the rack in a store…there are more and more people who think nothing of squeezing right up next to me or in front of me like I wasn’t even there. When this happens I usually look at them and ask, “Oh, are you in my way?” Most of the time the offenders don’t speak english and don’t know what I’ve said but it makes me feel better to be able to say something.
Tam – I do that sometimes… like if there’s a cop around since I don’t actually know the law. But what I mean is when you’re at an intersection, waiting to turn right, and a car is coming so you wait. But then the car ends up turning right on the street you’re on, so you waited for no reason! Then the 298 cars behind that car have to pass before you get another chance. That was probably hard to follow, but if you get it, you’ll see how annoying.
Yes Craig, even “Oops…” annoys me. And Brit laughs in a few of her songs too. I just mute those parts.
TamiW – I did a research project in my sociology class last semester about personal space! I found that women have tighter personal space boundaries and that college students in general basically have no boundaries (myself included).
But in French problem is masculine which we liked to point out frequently in class. Therefore, French men are a big problem.
Bernd: I think your translation of “excuse me” is pretty accurate, even in overly-polite Canada.
I figured the “No” in “No problema” means that there are no female problems, only male ones.
Enrico, I know exactly what you mean about waiting. I’ve found it doesn’t really make a difference for me, though, because I don’t trust that they REALLY mean the right-turn signal until they slow down, by which time there’s not really enough time to turn anyway.
RyanR, I’m not surprised about it being worse in MN than SD, though — I’ve found that drivers in California are really good at taking turns with merging. Drivers here are OK, but always seem shocked if you slow down to let someone merge easily onto the freeway.
My pet peeve: overuse of the word “offend” for things that might be upsetting, but aren’t really offensive per se. I get really offended when people do that.
Oh, and Tam? The turn signal thing I’m confused about is if two lanes are turning, like when the rightmost lane HAS to turn and the lane next to it has the option. If you’re in that optional lane, should you put on your turn signal? Technically I guess you should, but then it looks like you’re switching lanes so it can be confusing to the people in the lane next to you. I generally don’t, figuring that is the least likely to cause a problem.
I love the screen cap from Wanted! There’s nothing wrong with being polite. As you get older, chances are your desire to be liked will begin to wane and you’ll become more assertive and call people out on their rudeness on occasion. You just kind of have to pick your battles…and don’t worry so much about what other people might be thinking about you! Ultimately, the fact that you even think about this stuff shows that you are a good hearted person who often takes others into account before you act…and that is an admirable quality!