NOTE: My friend Denise (Hi Denise!) says I don’t talk about celebrities enough on here, so here I am talking about celebrities:
Breaking up is never a pretty thing, but for celebrities it can be even more difficult since it is out in the world for public consumption, which can be made even more complex when kids are involved. And these days, who has more kids than the Jolie-Pitt family? So I’m here today to help get a game plan in place just in case the day comes when Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt decide it’s better for the world if they share their genetic godliness with us mere mortals to improve the world’s gene pool, and go their separate ways. With a plan in place, we can hopefully avoid any unfriendly conflict and the breakup can be resolved quickly and efficiently.
First and foremost, you should become familiar with the children of the Jolie-Pitt family, which are shown below:
Maddox: Angelina and Billy Bob Thornton adopted their first child from an orphanage in Cambodia in 2002. When they divorced, Angelina received sole custody of Maddox, with Thornton to have reasonable parenting time.
Zahara: In 2005, Angelina accompanied by Brad Pitt, adopted Zahara from an orphanage in Ethiopia. In 2006, Brad legally adopted Maddox and Zahara, and their last names became Jolie-Pitt.
Shiloh: Later in 2006, Angelina gave birth to Shiloh, her and Brad’s first biological child.
Pax: Then in 2007, Angelina and Brad adopted Pax from an orphanage in Vietnam.
Knox and Vivienne: Angelina gave birth to twins Knox and Vivienne — her and Brad’s second and third biological children — in 2008.
I’ve tailored a specific custody arrangement for each child based on what we know about their adorable little existences thus far.
Maddox: Though Angelina and Brad are the legal guardians of Maddox, Billy Bob Thornton still had his right to reasonable parenting time. So my plan is to let the custody battle be between Angelina and Billy Bob, and leave Brad out of it for the moment. Don’t you worry your pretty little head, their are still plenty of kids for Brad to get his grubby little hands on! Anyway, the judge should state that since Billy Bob only has a smaller portion of the parental rights than Angelina, that they should cut off Maddox’s legs and give them to Billy Bob, and Angelina will gain custody of the rest. I suspect that Angelina will accept this proposal and be thrilled by the idea of being able to show off her amazing humanitarian skills by caring for a boy with no legs, however Billy Bob will be appalled by this idea, and demand that Angelina have sole custody of Maddox, rather than sacrifice the boy’s two legs. The judge will then award sole custody of Maddox to Billy Bob for having better parental instincts. Winner: Billy Bob!
Zahara: Okay, I realize that she’s only four, but let’s face it, Zahara is hot. She’s been hot since Angelina brought her home at 6 months old. Like, she’s a supermodel. She’s gonna have boys banging down her door when she’s older, so she’s gonna need Papa Pitt around to keep the boys in line. And I worry that after Brad, Angelina might fall back into her wild, sex in limos, vial of blood wearing ways, and that’s not the role model I want for Zahara. Winner: Brad!
Shiloh: I realize I went on and on and on about how hot Zahara is, and of course I mean no disrespect to Shiloh, because she is gorgeous as well. But I’ve done a bit of research and Shiloh is primarily a boys name, so girl is gonna have a whole bunch of identity issues when she gets older! And I know some of you may be thinking that name meanings don’t really have any bearing on people’s lives, but Craig stems from Crag — the Gaelic word for rock — and I was a geology major in college. Enough said. So Shiloh is going to need a strong female presence in her life to counterbalance the mannish feelings she’ll have about her name. Winner: Angelina!
Pax: We all know Brad really isn’t into this whole adoption, humanitarian business. He’s only doing it to impress Angelina who I’m pretty sure is never going to stop adopting children. So if they split up, Angelina will keep buying new babies, and since she already has custody of older Shiloh, it would make Pax a middle child when she gets a new one, and I’d hate to do that to him. Haven’t the Vietnamese suffered enough? Winner: Brad!
Knox: I’m fairly certain that Knox will devote his entire life to being the exact opposite of what his crappy butch name would suggest. Just as Apple Martin will prefer oranges, Knox Jolie-Pitt will be the faggiest fag who ever sashayed down a rainbow. And while some might think it would be best to make sure he has a strong father figure in his life, you must never separate a fag from his mother. Winner: Angelina!
Vivienne: Aw, come on, throw the poor girl a bone. The best news she’s had in four years was a dog movie. Winner: Jennifer Aniston!
So there we have it. I think this plan is entirely fair because both Brad and Angelina get two kids each, and we even show Billy Bob and Jennifer some love, which they both so desperately need after they were scorned by their oh so pretty lovers. Everybody wins! Especially the publishing houses that sign these kids up for memoir deals. Is it too early to teach these kids how to sign on the dotted line?
Your pictures are brilliant. I was thinking maybe Brad could pull a Woody Allen and when Zahara is about 18 they can run off and shack up together. Afterall, he’s not REALLY her father. Ewwwww. Although I imagine Brad will be way hotter than Woody when he gets bout 60.
Great post, maybe you should change your name to Craig Hilton?
Just messing with ya. That would require you to remove your brain. Celebrities are so boring. Male hot shirtless (or more) celebrities = fun. Everything else = not fun. Oh, and Craig – it’s “vial” of blood. Sry. I work with words, i’m used to spotting stuff like that. Cya
I do find the thought of wearing blood to be vile, so will that work?
It is nice to see that you thought of Jennifer and Billy Bob, those two must have gone through hottness withdrawal (though truthfully, Angelina has never really done much for me, I never thought she was that attractive).
I know i’m not the one to judge, as I don’t really want them anywhere near my bed (except as cleaning ladies, hehe), but… I find thin women so NOT attractive. This modern ideal of skinny wraiths floating through the air.. ugh. Skinny people make me nervous, I feel like they’re going to break if you bump into them or something. -brrr-. So yeah, Angeline doesn’t do it for me either. But Brad… hmmm. He was a fine thing in Troy, yes indeed. (body, not acting skills)
Good catch David! I fixed it.
I think Angelina is totally hot, but agree she’s been a bit too skinny lately. She wasn’t always a stick figure, right? She looked best around her Tomb Raider days.
And Billy Bob Thornton is just awesome.
Oh, oh, speaking of stick figure, i’m not sure you like D&D (I actually never played it much but I loved paper-RPGs), but there is an excellent online comic called “Order of the Stick”. Love it, totally recommend it.
Craig: while you have given this post plenty of thought it is flawed in several places. Please allow me to help save the world with some insight…
Maddox is sure to be a rebel with a cause and that cause will be to torment Angie. Much like Angie has turned her back on her dad, Maddox is sure to be in an alcohol and heroin haze by the time he is 22 and cursing his mother on TMZ.com every chance he gets. Billy Bob will always be able to score quality horse and will always share with his son Maddox, no doubt. Winner, Billy B.
Zahara is sure to suffer from being the Jolie-Pitt that always stands out the most in the family Christmas card and will have identity issues. Like Grace Jones she will move to Paris where she is accepted. She will model, do coke and ride enormous white men like they are bucking broncos. France gets temprary custody.
Shiloh: WTF, Sure to be lost in the crowd, Shiloh is going to always be the quiet, smart one. Will go to an Ivy league school, and attempt to be an actress but will never really make it. She is like the normal daughter in the Adams Family. She will take care of herself and live with her “friend” Lillian. Custody, Lillian.
Pax will be the Billy Carter of the family. Fat, dumb and living off the name while spending 12 hours a day in dive bars(much like myself, and look how well I am doing). Brad and Angie both won’t want him but can’t get rid of him as he sleeps on both their couches whenever he can squeeze his fat ass through the door.
Knox and Viv: can’t split the twins up that is for sure but we have to be careful here. Didn’t Angie love hooking up with her brother before Brad came along? I am afraid that this is sure to happen again seeing that the only love they will receive is from eachother in this F’d up family. Looks like a grandchild from these two will be on the way by the time they are 17. They will probably start this Hollywood trend…custody goes to eachother.
There you have it Craig, I can see the future and have shared it with you all.
Man, and I thought Dave S’s comments were long…
Great predictions though.
lol awesome craig…….”I suspect that Angelina will accept this proposal and be thrilled by the idea of being able to show off her amazing humanitarian skills by caring for a boy with no legs” lmao…i love ittt….more more more please!!!!
Jonah: Well done and so early in the morning.
No, no, they should all be given over as wards of the state. Except Shiloh, as the third child, she should be given to the church.
Didn’t we pass that anti-celebrity parenting bill yet?
You guys got it all wrong. To pay their lawyers during the separation Brad and Angelina will have to sell the kids one by one. The e-bay auctions will reach unprecedented heights and the winning bids for their biological kids will come from biotech companies who will start selling cloned babies shortly thereafter. The winning bids for the adoptive kids will come from TMZ, Star and US magazine who will provide them with trust-funds and let them loose in LA.
I hate both of them. Angelina especially makes me want to vomit. I’m glad you’re looking out for the kids, Craig, because someone needs to!
I’m totally with Denise — that line about Angelina wanting to show off her humanitarian skills was hilarious!!! This was great, Craig.
Jonah: “France gets temprary custody.” — I actually laughed out loud at that one. Brilliant.
I hate you. But it was funny. I still hate you.
I’m with john — Jolie’s never done anything for me. Too skinny and those lips are irritatingly big. Do they keep getting bigger? Pretty soon she’s going to be talking like Mush Mouth. I did like her in “Hackers”, but she wasn’t supposed to be attractive in that flick. Or if she was, she failed at it…
Snow day today! Woohoo! Work shut down for the day.
I’m sure Jennifer Anniston would love one of Angelina’s scraps. I think she might prefer to sic Marley on the whole pack of spawn instead.
Have you been reading the bible?
Pax = Pac-Man = Brilliance (did you think of that yourself?)
And throwing Jenn a bone was a great idea too.
As for Angie, I actually like her a lot because when I’m judging an actress, I look to her acting skills. She was amazing in Girl, Interrupted (totally deserved her Oscar for it) and Changeling as well. People focus on her weight and children, but seem to forget she’s a great actress, though she’s no Kate Winslet.
And just so we can start this, my favorite Jolie-Pitt child is Zahara!
I didn’t comment on her acting at all. I think she has talent. I’ve never seen Girl Interrupted (I’ve worked with enough borderlines, I’m not going to see a movie about them), so can’t say if she deserved the Oscar or not. I missed Changeling and am a little bummed about it.
I stand by my assessment of her looks. True, she has looked better with more weight on her, but it isn’t really about her weight. I often find that more women find her attractive than men and I’m not quite sure why.
Taking up Enrico’s line, my favorite of Angelina’s brood is Brad.
I always thought that if I had to switch teams I’d do it for Angelina, but only toned Tomb-Raider ass-kick Angelina, not 2009 stick-figure paparazzi-victim Angelina of the boring dresses. With those lips she must be heaven to make out with.
Jonah, I think you meant The Munsters, not the Adams family. You’re referring to Marilyn. And I’m dating myself.
David: you are right! thanks for the correction.
I see Jonah is channelling Dave S. now, at least in the length of his comments. Imitation IS the sincerest form of flattery, ya know.
We got an ice storm here, so because of ‘liberal leave’ in effect, I’m off today as well.
As for the pitt-jolie split…sorry Craiggers, the lives of celebrities interest me not at all. Flower arrangement, hair styling, neatness and celebrity gossip all somehow didn’t make it onto my gay gene. I did get the good dancing part of the gay gene though, so all is well.
HUGS….
David: It’s ok to date oneself, at least you know what you are getting yourself into. Sort of like pride still being one of the only safe things to swallow.
(I thought Marilyn when I read it too, but couldn’t remember if there was a normal Adams Family member. )
Enrico: Yes, I thought of the Pax = PacMan bit myself. I’m quite the comical genius.
I hate all you people who have snow days today.
I wish it was a snow day here. Its snowing … again. Sigh. I should get to stay home but nooooooo. No rest for the wicked I guess. Speaking of being wicked, how bad to do you think Spanish prisons are? I’d have a dip passport so I’m thinking of waiting to kill someone while we are out of the country then claiming immunity. It just might work and I know I have plenty of people here who’d give me bail money if necessary and probably a reward too. Crap. Snowy day and bitch from hell to deal with. Thank god for humerous posts such as your’s Craig, they keep me sane (more or less).
Tam, wow, could you like go and settle an old score with one of my math-teachers from high-school for me? German prisons are quite nice, just see for yourself and watch ‘The Reader’. It’s a fab movie with Enrico’s favorite actress: Kate Winslett, some 18-year old male ass (and more) and Ralph Fiennes looking dazed.
You know, this comments section is missing a significant amount of Dave S. and Polt on a snow day. Slackers.
Tam, are you taking requests?
John: I’m afraid I can only work up the ire to off one person at a time. Its gotta be personal.
But if you can get someone to piss me off enough I might be able to swing it.
John, get in line, I was here first. Damn Tam, that John is pissing me off
Well, as of right now the creator WordPerfect has moved to the top of my list. ARRGGHHH!!!!!!!!!! Fucking program.
Bernd: Heeeey!
I say give them all to Madonna.
John, you talkin’ to me? Go ahead, make my day!
I’ll have my big sister come and whoop your a$$.
Chris for the win, rotflmao
Snow Day, schmoe day. I couldn’t read Puntabulous because all my time at work was spent stressing over the drive home (oh, and working. But mostly stressing).
But at least this post made me happy! (And I’m home now, accident free, so that’s making me happy too.)
Wow! It is an intricate and well thought out plan. You may have missed your calling as a celebrity child custody advocate.
I don’t usually make an effort to follow the lives of celebrities. However I did see a performance of “Jen and Angie” at the Upright Citizens Brigade theater in NYC. The plot was that they were stuck on a island together. It was an interesting comedic exploration of their rivalry.
Bernd: I didn’t think my joining on the band wagon would incur the wrath of Tam. No need to bring in your sister either (though, is she cute?)
Very amusing – Craig you should delve into celebrity lives more often.
Jonah – well done : ).
Gia was on a few nights ago. Watched a little of it. Angelina looked very different – here’s some pics before surgery:
http://www.celebrityplasticpics.com/angelinajolie.htm
Guilty pleasure: celebrity plastic surgery sights.
Enough with the kids, they spend their time with nannies anyway- who gets the houses? I call dibs on the château if it comes up for auction!
What a disgusting post!
Thanks Wilma! Your input is greatly appreciated!
You write about chopping a child’s legs off and everyone laughs at that like it is some kind of joke? Only people with mental health issues would find humour in maiming a child. Ya’ll should be truly ashamed of yourselves.
Tazzy: Yeah, King Solomon was a real douchebag, huh?
Check out pics of my ex girlfriend