Puntabulous

Hello everyone, and welcome to another edition of Puntabulous Guest Debates! Today I welcome the fabulous and talented Jewelz from the blog World According to Jewelz. In today’s debate the opponents may be pint-sized, but the stakes have never been larger!

Jewelz: First off, much as one would like to be all peaceful, loving, communal, and non-judging… this one fact remains: Appearances count for A LOT. My favorite Pop Icon of ALL TIME would be none other than HELLO KITTY. I have unabashedly worshiped her (in an almost deity-type way) since she came on the social scene of my 10 year old world back in 1976. Now… looking at Hello Kitty, you will see a sweet, almost virginal, kitty face with wide eyes (all the better to appreciate the wonders of the world) and no mouth (because she speaks from her heart). She also has a wide variety of accouterments that serve to show that not only is she a pop icon, but she is a trend-setting fashionista as well. She wears a wide assortment of colored bows, flowers, crowns, and even the occasional gothic punk get-up (proving that she truly is appealing to the many demographics in the population).

Craig: Oh my my my, I’m afraid I’m going to have to disagree. The best Pop Icon of all time is OF COURSE Ms. Pac-Man. Not only is she the best Pop Icon of all time, she is the best video game of all time. When video games were all about the boys, Ms. Pac-Man burst onto the scene with larger than life attitude, mouth, and bow and she conquered everything in her path. Oh, did I mention that she’s kinda like a superhero too? Because she dedicates her life to killing ghosts. Except that she doesn’t wear a disguise because she’s just that badass. In fact, without her, I’m pretty sure there would never have been a Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Sydney Bristow, not to mention the human race, because Inky, Blinky, Winky and Sue would have killed us all if not for her dedication. Whenever someone says “Who ya gonna call?” I always reply “Ms. Pac-Man!”

Jewelz: While you may think Ms. Pac-Man is a virtual (i.e. because she really only lives on in outdated video games that are set up at hole-in-the wall dive bars) superhero, you are oh so very wrong my friend. First off, she doesn’t wear a cape, and ALL Superheroes worth their weight in spandex wear capes. Also, looking at Ms. Pac-Man all I can say (and this is putting it as kindly as I can), is that she looks like a pie chart. Sure, they tried to dress her up with some lipstick (whorish color, in my opinion), a bow (which only comes in red, and I’m sorry to inform you that red does NOT go with everything), and she has no appendages with which to move around (which defies the laws of physics… it’s not like she has one of those Rascal Scooters to help her along). Plus, while Hello Kitty brings a message of peace, love, and harmony, your so-called “superhero” simply munches up pixel-laden ghosts and says “waka-waka-waka”.

Craig: Oh there are so many things wrong with your statement! The ghosts only say “waka-waka-waka” to trick you into thinking they are cute little Fozzy ghosts! But they’re not! They are evil and vicious and only Ms. Pac-Man can protect us from their wrath! Secondly, I’ve seen many pictures of Hello Kitty with a red bow in her hair! Are you saying she’s a whore or makes redundant fashion choices? You know what I DON’T see pictures of Hello Kitty doing? Saving the world! In fact, what does she even do? She just sits there like a lump of uselessness. She doesn’t even have a mouth! She couldn’t eat deadly ghosts even if she wanted to! Not that she would because she’s too busy sitting there collecting flowers or holding a teddy bear, or any number of things that contribute absolutely nothing to society. Hello Kitty may be hoping for world peace, but there’s a difference between wishing for it, and making it happen.

Jewelz: Saving the world isn’t ALWAYS about showing off your ability to eat stupid little ghosties who multiply simply by sending their squinky eyeballs back to the “Monster Making Machine”. Someone might want to mention the words “Weight Watchers” to Ms. Pac-Man, because she seems to munch down floating cherries and pretzels on sight as well. Let’s practice some self-control, shall we??? Anydoodle, sometimes saving the world happens simply through showing by example. Hello Kitty spreads her world peace message by happily skipping through meadows and collecting friends as well as flowers. She also designs a multitude of products that are helpful to the human race as a whole… keyboards, vacuum cleaners, toasters, coffeemakers, luggage, and even a vibrator!!! And as far as being bad ass, IF some stupid little ghost named Inky, Blinky, Winky, or Sue managed to find their way out of their maze, Hello Kitty also has an official AK-47 with her endorsement. Often times world peace is brought about by those who live by example. Other times, it’s brought about by force. And with an AK-47 in her back pocket and a whole world of Sanrio friends who would stand by her in her time of need, Hello Kitty is a helluva force to contend with.

Craig: Hello! Hello Kitty didn’t DESIGN all those products. She just sold out to consumerist America for a quick buck. What kind of image is she trying to portray? A caffeine addicted maid with a penchant for carbohydrates and masturbation? Is that really the image we want to be giving our children? Ms. Pac-Man on the other hand is an inspiration to children all over the world! She isn’t afraid to be a larger than life woman. She’s like the Mo’Nique of the video game world! And she’s showing children that you don’t have to be an anorexic, feable-minded little kitty to be a beautiful strong woman. Didn’t you know? Waifish went out of style after Ally McBeal got canceled. It’s all about women with a little meat on their bones these days! And if you ask me, it appears to be paying off because Ms. Pac-Man landed herself a Pac-Man and some adorable little Pac-Babies. Poor Hello Kitty is sad and alone. She’ll die an old maid (with a penchant for carbohydrates and masturbation) and no one will be there at her funeral to say Goodbye Kitty!

Jewelz: Oh, oh, oh… what a tangled web of deceit Ms. Pac-Man weaves. While she is out whoring around with her bright red lipstick and oversized bow, Mr. Pac-Man is at home dealing with a bunch of whiney-ass Pac-Babies… most of whom bear a striking resemblance to Inky, Blinky, Winky, and even Sue! Hello Kitty will most definitely NOT be dying as an old maid. If you ever visit SanrioTown, you will find that she has an entire family, and even a boyfriend named Daniel. She has friends the world over: Badtzmaru, My Melody, Little Twin Stars, Charmy Kitty, Cinnamaroll, Keroppi, Pocaccho, not to mention the entire Asian continent. PLUS all of her fans here. Her funeral (heaven forbid) would be “standing room only”. As far as carb-loading and masturbation are concerned, what Hello Kitty does behind closed doors is her business only (after all… if she doesn’t speak it from her heart, we aren’t going to be hearing about it). She does wonderfully positive PR events like attending weddings as a special guest and store openings with gigantic Swarovski crystal covered statues of her. Your “hero” stars in D-List Porn movies and has reproductions of her made out of Post-It notes. Clearly part of being The All Time Greatest Pop Icon has to do with having some amount of class. Hello Kitty is able to pick and choose, apparently Ms. Pac-Man will simply take the highest bidder.

Craig: Now you’re just getting ridiculous! To insinuate that Pac-Man is not the father of Ms. Pac-Man’s babies is just outrageous. And to suggest that their father is actually one of the ghosts? Ghastly! Someone’s been watching a bit too much Grey’s Anatomy if you think anyone can get it on with a ghost. And all these PR events and weddings you keep prattling on about only help to reinforce the fact that Hello Kitty doesn’t do anything. She’s like the Paris Hilton of pop icons! She’s famous for being famous. You say she makes the world a better place by spreading joy and making people feel better, but how can that be the case if she does not make ME feel better? And that’s the major catch that makes Hello Kitty so lame. The only way she spreads joy is if you’re already a fan of her’s and you enjoy seeing her. Ms. Pac-Man on the other hand is a feminist icon and her mere existence is helping women the world over, not just the women who like her. And Cinnamaroll? Seriously?

Jewelz: Before I say anything else… Paris Hilton is a total “wannabe’ as far as Hello Kitty is concerned. Paris wears clothes and ‘bling’ that has Hello Kitty on it. Hello Kitty does NOT wear any items designed by Paris Hilton. Hello Kitty has far too much class for that. In fact, she has designers like Kimora Lee Simmons copying her famous fashion sense. Now, back to ’saving the world’ and all of that horseshit. Hello Kitty does waaaaay more than just show up at social events. She has a flipping entire amusement park dedicated to her, which shows the devotion of the global populace… and not just women either. She doesn’t do gender discrimination the way that Ms.Pac-Man does. And if Ms. Pac-Man is the feminist in which you claim her to be, then why the hell did she take Pac-Man’s name when they married? She’s a pretender, no real substance there. In fact, I’m even questioning if she truly exists or if perhaps it was simply a public relations spin for Pac-Man himself. Dress him up to look like a girl (cross-dressing isn’t exactly an unknown phenomenon, you know) and all of sudden he’s popular again. I’m not a “twig” by any stretch of the imagination, but I wouldn’t be using Ms.Pac-Man as my role model for body image. I’m all for embracing who you are, but puh-leez… she looks like a bright yellow pizza with a piece already eaten by one of her lame fans, no doubt. Not that she has any… oh wait, she has YOU. (You probably ate the piece of pizza, didn’t you?)

Craig: First of all, Ms. Pac-Man does not look like pizza, pizza looks like Ms. Pac-Man. Secondly, saying that Ms. Pac-Man is lame because she looks like a pizza doesn’t make any sense. Pizza is awesome, and therefore would only add to Ms. Pac-Man’s awesomeness. Now, I’ve tried to be gentle, but the time for gentleness has passed. It’s time that I got right down to business, and if it sounds mean, there’s nothing I can do to help it. Hello Kitty is a freak. I mean, have you LOOKED at her? I mean, REALLY looked at her? Her dark beady eyes are about a mile apart, and her whiskers are in the wrong place. What the fuzz are they doing on the other side of her eyes? They’re supposed to be around her nose. And then there’s her mouth. Oh wait, what mouth? And she’s almost always sitting. I have a sneaking suspicion those little stubs she calls legs don’t even work. If Hello Kitty were an actual kitty, she’d be put down before you could say “waka waka”.

Jewelz: My, my, my….the gloves have come off indeed, and now my Hello Kitty claws are sharpened and ready for some serious action. Ms. Pac-Man is a HAS BEEN. Ask anyone below the age of say… 30ish and they have know freaking clue WHO Ms. Pac-Man is. Mention Hello Kitty’s name? And every one knows who you are referring to. She is simply that intensely popular, which is just one of the reasons she is the ultimate Pop Icon of ALL Times. I’m a little confused by your reference to Hello Kitty’s legs, because at least she HAS some. What the hell does Ms.Pac-Man use for transport? Does she just pass a lot of gas from all of that eating and the force moves her forward? Is she using some sort of invisible flying rug? She has NO arms OR legs. Maybe she’s using Hello Kitty’s car or airplane to get around. Hello Kitty uses her legs for skipping and her arms for hugging. Ms. Pac-Man uses that rather formidable looking mouth to eat whatever crosses her path. Hello Kitty doesn’t need a mouth because she speaks from her heart, and isn’t that really the way problems get solved? World peace and problems aren’t solved by superheroes (they’re all drunk back at the Hall of Justice). It comes from people sitting down face to face and simply working it out by sharing their feelings and accepting the feelings of the other. Hello Kitty is like the global epitome of “problem solving through peace”. And finally, Hello Kitty has “macho people” who wear things with her image on them. Ms. Pac-Man has people dressed up in sad little cardboard costumes that were obviously made by people who wear helmets.

You say cardboard, I say innovation! Whoever has the time and money to put together a Hello Kitty Darth Vader costume obviously has to work through some serious prioritization issues. And also, gay gay gay! Seriously, that costume is gayer than Hayden Christensen. Cardboard costumes harken back to the days of yore, when we were all broke college students, and we’d steal quarters from our laundry money jars so we could taste the sweet success of getting to the scary red maze board after a hard physics test. Or to meeting friends at the townie bar where they had Ms. Pac-Man rather than the lame student club where drunk college girls would get their Hello Kitty glitter in our Milwaukee’s Best. Or to playing all hours of the night with my best friend Robin where she would kick my ass without fail, and I’d hear stories of her epic trials playing the elusive Turbo Ms. Pac-Man on a dark and stormy night. You can keep your fancy costumes, your fancy vibrators, and your fancy arms and legs. Who needs them?! I have Ms. Pac-Man, the strength to fight demonic poltergeists, and the courage to insert 25 cents bitches!

So who do you guys think won?

Be sure to head over to Jewelz’ blog: World According to Jewelz!

Think you could do better? Send me an e-mail with a topic you’d like to debate with me! If you’ve previously sent me a topic, and I never got back to you, or if we haven’t started the debating process yet, send me a reminder! I’m very forgetful! If you can’t think of a topic, but want to do a debate, send me an e-mail with your interests and we’ll work one out together! For more Puntabulous Debates CLICK HERE!