It’s a special time in one’s life when you have the house to yourself. You need to take advantage of all the wonderful things you can do while you’re by yourself that you can’t when there are all those pesky other people around. So I’ve compiled a list for your reference, and let me just say that this has nothing to do with my parents going away for a week tomorrow.
Redecorate: This is the perfect opportunity to hook up the two rear speakers and subwoofer to the surround sound system which came with your new HDTV that your Mom worries will be too obtrusive in the den. Once she gets home, she’ll see that they’re totally out of the way though! Maybe.
Cry Openly: No need to spend Valentine’s Day locked in the bathroom! This year you can be out and proud while watching Bridget Jones’ Diary and crying into that Friendly’s Hunka Chunka Peanut Butter Roll that your Mom got you for Valentine’s Day, and suspect will be the only present you get on that dreadful day.
Hook Up in Your Parents’ Bed: Just as a cat will poop on your bed if it’s feeling neglected, nothing says “How dare you go on vacation without me!” quite like busting a nut in some ho’s ass on your parents’ bed.
Naked Wii: Come on, you can’t tell me that the thought hasn’t crossed your mind. Naked Wii would be incredible! I mean, of course you’d need to be mindful of games that may cause some unpleasant — how shall I say — flopping. But you know, start off easy with some bowling, then work your way up to tennis, and before you know it, you’ll be virtually hula hooping naked and loving every minute of it! And if you’re feeling extra spiteful that day, play that lame Lotus Focus balance game so you have an excuse to put your bare ass on the Wii balance board.
Masturbate Masturbate Masturbate: Just like that Janet Jackson song Any Time, Any Place. No need to wait for the ol’ parental units to go to bed. Now you can drop trow whenever you feel like it. And if the phone rings, you don’t even have to minimize the porn! You can just waddle on over to the phone with your pants around your ankles, make small talk, then get back to business without losing your place! And what do you know?! Delayed gratification!
What Bathroom Door? It’s our natural instinct to mark our territory by pissing on things. Yes, we may have evolved slightly and invented toilets, but pissing with the door open says to the world: “This is were I piss bitches! You’re in my house now!” It’s very empowering, even if you only do it when you know you’re home alone. Besides, if God wanted us pissing behind closed doors, he would have given us hinges instead of pubes.
Dave S.: I know, right? I think we have to stick up for Polt in this situation and say the line is based on comment seniority. The longer you have been commenting, the lower your number in line.
Agreed! Do we get a commission for pimping Polt?
Ryan: thanks : )
Leaving the bathroom door open is one of the (only) good things about being single and living alone.
Hope you have a good weekend and don’t make too much mischief. I’m imagining you as the kid from Home Alone now
Andy: Send pictures.
John & Dave S: Oh, don’t mind me! Just let me know when you’ve decided.
And don’t we all know the only thing I’ll REALLY be making love to this week is our new HDTV?
Milo: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!
Milo: My favorite aspect of living alone was that everything was where it was when I left it.
Craig: We’ll get back to you.
No, no — it’s spelled “take advantage of all the wonderful things you can do while you’re by yourself”, but it’s PRONOUNCED “I’m inviting the entire internet over for a party all week long”.
Sorry for the misunderstanding!
(Seriously Craig: enjoy yourself, but be sure to drink plenty of liquids.)
John – yeh, that’s a perk for sure. Trouble is you get set in your ways. Dread to think what I’ll be like when I start sharing again…
Enrico: 2010!
Ryan: Can’t wait! And speaking of all this, I had a dream last night that I met Liza and told her Lucille Austero was my favorite character. lol.
Enrico: Another thing Craig could do when he has the house to himself is practice his Blue Man routine. However, he should use a bald cap. I don’t think he’d looked as good with a shaved head.
“busting a nut in some ho’s ass on your parents’ bed.”
Could you put that on a Valentine’s Day card, Sweetie?
How I wish I could have the house to myself too…