Feb
13
It’s a special time in one’s life when you have the house to yourself. You need to take advantage of all the wonderful things you can do while you’re by yourself that you can’t when there are all those pesky other people around. So I’ve compiled a list for your reference, and let me just say that this has nothing to do with my parents going away for a week tomorrow.
Redecorate: This is the perfect opportunity to hook up the two rear speakers and subwoofer to the surround sound system which came with your new HDTV that your Mom worries will be too obtrusive in the den. Once she gets home, she’ll see that they’re totally out of the way though! Maybe.
Cry Openly: No need to spend Valentine’s Day locked in the bathroom! This year you can be out and proud while watching Bridget Jones’ Diary and crying into that Friendly’s Hunka Chunka Peanut Butter Roll that your Mom got you for Valentine’s Day, and suspect will be the only present you get on that dreadful day.
Hook Up in Your Parents’ Bed: Just as a cat will poop on your bed if it’s feeling neglected, nothing says “How dare you go on vacation without me!” quite like busting a nut in some ho’s ass on your parents’ bed.
Naked Wii: Come on, you can’t tell me that the thought hasn’t crossed your mind. Naked Wii would be incredible! I mean, of course you’d need to be mindful of games that may cause some unpleasant — how shall I say — flopping. But you know, start off easy with some bowling, then work your way up to tennis, and before you know it, you’ll be virtually hula hooping naked and loving every minute of it! And if you’re feeling extra spiteful that day, play that lame Lotus Focus balance game so you have an excuse to put your bare ass on the Wii balance board.
Masturbate Masturbate Masturbate: Just like that Janet Jackson song Any Time, Any Place. No need to wait for the ol’ parental units to go to bed. Now you can drop trow whenever you feel like it. And if the phone rings, you don’t even have to minimize the porn! You can just waddle on over to the phone with your pants around your ankles, make small talk, then get back to business without losing your place! And what do you know?! Delayed gratification!
What Bathroom Door? It’s our natural instinct to mark our territory by pissing on things. Yes, we may have evolved slightly and invented toilets, but pissing with the door open says to the world: “This is were I piss bitches! You’re in my house now!” It’s very empowering, even if you only do it when you know you’re home alone. Besides, if God wanted us pissing behind closed doors, he would have given us hinges instead of pubes.
February 13th, 2009 at 6:42 am
Okay, this is funny, because my son just yesterday asked me if ever he wanted to stay home (my place) on a Mom weekend whether that would be an inconvenience. I told him (tongue firmly planted in cheek, of course): “Well, as long as I have some advance notice so you don’t catch me having sex with someone in your bed…”
And you can avoid the Wii floppies by playing alongside a partner.
I’m just sayin.
And remind me not to call you this week…
(This thing is *hilarious* btw. absolutely hilarious.)
February 13th, 2009 at 7:11 am
Very funny. I think sex in my parents bed would be too squicky though. What if they had sex there? I mean, not that parents do of course.
Cause I don’t even want to THINK about that.
I’m assuming you have some masturbatory freedom coming up? Enjoy.
February 13th, 2009 at 7:20 am
“Masturbatory Freedom!” — that would make a great t-shirt.
February 13th, 2009 at 8:13 am
So do you think Craig’s parents play naked Wii when he’s away? Naked ski jumping? Has he ever come home and found his bed just slightly rumpled? Hmmmm.
February 13th, 2009 at 8:13 am
Hahaha. Oh just imagine when you live by yourself how happy you are going to be. So much to look forward to!
February 13th, 2009 at 8:24 am
Okay, I have to admit that naked Wii sounds interesting. A kind of “Rock out with your cock out.” Or rather, “Wii Wii with your Peepee”…
February 13th, 2009 at 8:47 am
Craig: you need to do a michael phelps and use that bong right in the middle of your living room. I hope Dad Puntabulous is not reading this today….
February 13th, 2009 at 8:47 am
“Masturbatory Freedom!” “Viva la Revolución!” Dave S.: you need to make a logo to go along with this phrase because it would make a fantastic t-shirt.
Craig: I was a little concerned when I saw “redecorate. I thought “home alone, you’re doing it wrong” but then I saw what you wanted to do. Tell her that you need to experience the battle at Helm’s Deep in surround sound.
Cry Openly: Valentine’s Day, or as I affectionately referred to it while single, Black Saturday (this year) should be ignored. (it is actually my parent’s 56th anniversary, which is the only significance of the day to me.).
Naked Wii: Sounds like it could be uncomfortable, but Dave S.’s idea sounds good. Plus don’t knock Lotus Focus, it the only game in which I can do better than the Mrs.
Masturbation: Just remember to stop short of double digit emissions in one day.
February 13th, 2009 at 9:12 am
John: Is your masturbation warning based on real life experience? Do tell, what will happen? Enquiring minds want to know.
February 13th, 2009 at 9:21 am
Double digit emissions just sounds painful.
“Has he ever come home and found his bed just slightly rumpled?” Tam, it’s going to take me a while to forgive you for that statement.
“Wii Wii with your Peepee” Dave S: Sorry, but I haven’t decided whether to LOL or groan.
Jeff: You’re moving in with your bf, right? Consider me super jealous. Even if you guys don’t have sex 24/7, I will imagine that you do. And this week it will come in very handy. Come….in….hand….y
February 13th, 2009 at 9:24 am
Tam: After the 9th one, only powder comes out and a little white flag from the prostate indicating surrender.
February 13th, 2009 at 9:28 am
John: You kill me. I have this amazingly disturbing image in my head now.
February 13th, 2009 at 9:29 am
Oh dear Craiggers. Don’t your parents read this? I wouldn’t be surprised if your mom covers all the furniture in plastic before she leaves… just in case.
February 13th, 2009 at 9:51 am
Craig: Feel free to groan. But only when alone and thinking of Jeff and his bf…
February 13th, 2009 at 9:56 am
john: Yeah, but if you take the powder and mix it with a tablespoon of hot water, it’s perfectly fine.
Or use 2% milk for a richer texture.
And place the flag as a garnish.
February 13th, 2009 at 9:56 am
Craig: lol at your ellipsis filled sentence above. Good one.
Who hasn’t played Wii naked before? I guess I just spend more time naked than most since I air dry after showers and hate using towels.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:29 am
It seems I found this WAY funnier than the previous commenters. I guffawed during each and every paragraph. Oh, how you crack me up.
These are exactly the kinds of things I would do if I were ever home alone. Excet the naked Wii, I don’t have Wii.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:38 am
No, I refuse to believe someone hasn’t made a Wii dick attachment. Actually, I was trying to remember where I saw something like this for the old Atari (not me). I did a quick search just now, and lookie what I found.
Ok, it’s not entirely relevant – I just thought it was so weird and it made me laugh.
Besides, I was distracted by “Masturbate Masturbate Masturbate”
February 13th, 2009 at 11:42 am
Me thinks someone is hooooooorny based on this post. Looks like you should make the trip to ATL with your parents! haha
February 13th, 2009 at 11:43 am
Atari_age: That was highly disturbing. With all of the lay-offs in the high tech area here one innovative engineer invented the vibrator that connects to your ipod, I’m sure with more lay-offs someone will work on the Wii dick attachment. Would have to be one size fits all I suppose. Maybe velcro would be an integral component.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:51 am
No home brothels?
February 13th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Tam: A wee dick? That doesn’t sound very appealing…
February 13th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
ScottieC: No, these days they only read it when I tell them to. Needless to say, I’ll wait till this post gets off the front page before I tell them to read it again. I’ll be sure to Lysol everything down before they get home.
Enrico: And your roommates don’t mind? I actually kinda hate being naked. I at least like to have my boxers on.
Jason: Thanks!
Atari: That is the scariest thing I’ve seen in a long, long time.
Joemo: Unfortunately all the good Atlanta boys are straight or taken.
Ryan R: Does it count as a brothel if it’s just me? Is there a minimum number of ho’s required for it to be a legitimate brothel?
February 13th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Craig:
I have tons of single friends down here. TONS
and how can you hate being naked…it’s wonderful. 6:00 is no pants o’clock in my apt.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Dave S.: Sometimes you scare me. OK, most of the time.
I live alone and while the masturbatory freedom is indeed unparalleled, it does get old after a while. Actually I’m lying. It never gets old.
In the four years I have had my own place I have yet to close the door when using the bathroom. But part of that is because the cats ABSOLUTELY MUST WATCH EVERY BOWEL MOVEMENT. I get yowls and door scratches otherwise.
Oh, and I’ve never played Wii. Naked or otherwise.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Craig! You have shocked me shitless!!! I can’t believe such a good boy is talking so dirty.
I can just picture you doing naked wii, when suddenly your parents decide to come home early.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Craig: If it’s just you, you aren’t going to have time for naked Wii. Unless you find a john into that kind of thing, of course. It might be an underserved market.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
I also prefer having at least underwear on when I don’t have a reason not to.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
I’m still laughing from Dave S.’ “Wii Wii with your pee pee”.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Now I have images in my mind of you, in your underwear, dancing to “Old Time Rock and Roll”.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
I hate that song, but you look cute..
February 13th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
You like having at least boxers on…. are you a never nude?? (Any Arrested Development fans out there?)
February 13th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
I actually thought that someone could make a Wii Kama Sutra and make a ton of money (my idea, nobody take it!).
Mark: I can just picture Craig naked on his Wii with his light saber. “I’m killing Wookies, I swear!”
February 13th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
Naked Wii is soooooo much fun!
God I need a date!
February 13th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
The below is from Polt:
I can’t comment because the comments section is blocked at work, but I read the post and would really REALLY like to comment. After work, I’ll be busy most of the evening, so I probably won’t get to post at all, but please think of me in his hour of need. And all the comments I have to say about Craiggers ‘hitting a ho’ on his parents bed, marathon masturbation session, and photos of the naked Wii-playing (pleeease…pretty please???). *SIGH* why couldn’t the post about Lost be blocked, it’s not like I had anything to contribute there!!
HUGS…
February 13th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
When my parents leave I ususally invite all the neighborhood kids over for a little “party”…
February 13th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Enrico: Always wearing cut-offs is icky.
February 13th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
I dont know about anyone else but I hate being naked. Alone or with someone else, I prefer to show some modesty. Even when required to strip for certain “situations”, I put something on as soon as I can.
February 13th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
GoKitty: I’m totally one of the Enricos out there. I’m naked and unashamed.
Well, okay, I’m not naked right *now*…
February 13th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
john: You’re full of all sorts of sexual innuendo today!
Of course, I think we all are… I think we’re all with you, Paul — we all need dates. 
February 13th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
GoKitty: I’m with you. Not big on naked for myself but I’m all for it for other people.
February 13th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
Dave S.: I have no problem being naked when I have a purpose for it. It’s just not my ideal state for lounging.
February 13th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
“bust a nut on some ho’s asss” this is vulgar but its a good thing i like it dirrrrty. lol have an awesome vday!! ill be over at 8pm with fudgy the whale and tissues
February 13th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
gokitty and Tam: i am here for you if you would like some help with your being naked phobia…
February 13th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Ya’ll are the horniest bunch of mother f*#&ker’s I’ve seen in a looooong time. I can’t believe i’ve missed most of this conversation.
February 13th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
Hayden: Damn. You beat me to it…
February 13th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
Hayden and Dave: Maybe we’ll just watch for a bit and see how its done. You guys can get started with out us. Maybe start us off with pictures just as a warm-up. I’ll give you my e-mail.
February 13th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
I haven’t lived with my parents for 7 years now, and as I sit here doing multiple things on your list right now, I realize that I have been taking this freedom for granted. Thanks for the reminder!
February 13th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Naked: It’s all the rage. Or maybe that was everyone was naked at the rave? Whatever, both work.
I don’t mind being naked, but don’t generally lounge around naked. Undressing/getting ready in front of the Mrs. or showering is fine. But sitting on the couch watching tv, no.
Dave S.: I may be full of innuendo, but some ho is going to be full of Craig this week!
February 13th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
john: And I get the impression that there are many Puntabulous readers that would love to play the part of the ho…
February 13th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Dave S.: I know, right? I think we have to stick up for Polt in this situation and say the line is based on comment seniority. The longer you have been commenting, the lower your number in line.
February 13th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Agreed! Do we get a commission for pimping Polt?
February 13th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
Ryan: thanks : )
February 13th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
Leaving the bathroom door open is one of the (only) good things about being single and living alone.
Hope you have a good weekend and don’t make too much mischief. I’m imagining you as the kid from Home Alone now
February 13th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Andy: Send pictures.
John & Dave S: Oh, don’t mind me! Just let me know when you’ve decided.
And don’t we all know the only thing I’ll REALLY be making love to this week is our new HDTV?
Milo: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!
February 13th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
Milo: My favorite aspect of living alone was that everything was where it was when I left it.
Craig: We’ll get back to you.
February 13th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
No, no — it’s spelled “take advantage of all the wonderful things you can do while you’re by yourself”, but it’s PRONOUNCED “I’m inviting the entire internet over for a party all week long”.
Sorry for the misunderstanding!
(Seriously Craig: enjoy yourself, but be sure to drink plenty of liquids.)
February 13th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
John – yeh, that’s a perk for sure. Trouble is you get set in your ways. Dread to think what I’ll be like when I start sharing again…
February 13th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
Enrico: 2010!
February 13th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
Ryan: Can’t wait! And speaking of all this, I had a dream last night that I met Liza and told her Lucille Austero was my favorite character. lol.
February 13th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
Enrico: Another thing Craig could do when he has the house to himself is practice his Blue Man routine. However, he should use a bald cap. I don’t think he’d looked as good with a shaved head.
February 14th, 2009 at 3:07 am
“busting a nut in some ho’s ass on your parents’ bed.”
Could you put that on a Valentine’s Day card, Sweetie?
February 14th, 2009 at 9:14 am
How I wish I could have the house to myself too…