Feb
16
Hello! And welcome to another edition of Puntabulous Guest Debates! Today I welcome queer activist, writer, aspiring lawyer, and all-around decent human being Jere from Blind Prophecy. Today we are here to prove that literally anything can be a debate topic:
Jere: I can’t believe we even have to debate this, pirates are so obviously superior to ninjas. Pirates are courageous, fun-loving killers with manly facial hair and bling. Ninjas are joyless cowards who hide in the shadows and cover up their pathetic hairless chins with basic black pajamas. Pirates get to say fun things like “plunder your booty” and “aarrrgh” while ninjas never say anything at all because if they did someone might see them hiding in doorway and do that jump-and-kick-both-legs-out thing that invariably knocks those ninjas unconscious two at a time. Get on with your bilge, ye lily-livered landlubber!
Craig: Shiver Me Timbers! You couldn’t be more wrong! You think pirates get to say fun things? What the heck does “shiver me timbers” even mean? Maybe it has something to do with their wooden legs made of timber? Oh wait, but why do they have wooden legs, you ask? That’s right! Pirates are nothing more than filthy scurvy ridden petri dishes on legs! Or leg, as the case may be. Ninjas on the other hand are the pinnacle of self discipline and physical fitness! In fact, while pirates are out in the ocean pillaging others without regard or remorse, Ninjas are back on land, fighting the good fight, assassinating evil warlords and defending the common folk! I’d ask Ninjas to defend themselves, but I wouldn’t want them to blow their cover right before snapping the neck of an evil-doer.
Jere: Yawn! See, you say “blah blah self discipline blah blah” and I hear “nerds who don’t know how to have fun.”
Pirate: Hey, ninja, want to go out this weekend? We’re going to pick up some wenches, find a secluded beach in the Caribbean, and get tanked on rum.
Ninja: I can’t. You know I don’t drink, besides, I have to practice Advance Hiding in my drafty warehouse.
Pirate: Oh, come on, a little sun and fresh ocean breeze would be good for you. We might even dig up some buried treasure!
Ninja: No, you guys go have fun, I’ll just sit at home and play with my nunchaka.
Now pirates, they know how to enjoy life! As for your slanderous accusations about disease, it’s called hard-living. A pirate who loses his arm or leg or eye in a fight is still going to kick your butt. Ninjas don’t do that. If they get hurt, suddenly they’re whining about workman’s compensation until someone shuffles them off to a mountaintop monastery with a token teaching position.
Craig: All those reasons your stated for ninjas being boring, I just see it as ninjas making sacrifices for the greater good! What good ever happened from getting wasted off your ass on a beach? The sand is only going to irritate all those diseased sores they have all over their bodies from being so filthy. And those wenches their picking up? They’re raping them. That’s right. You’re pretty much condoning rape. Way to go, dick bag. This isn’t some lame Disney franchise that sucked hardcore after the first movie. This is real life, and they’re ain’t no wise cracking Jack Sparrows or pretty boy Orlando Blooms aboard this ship. Just the scourge of the seas: Hepatitis B-eard! And Ninjas aren’t so sweet and innocent as your proclaim. There was one man who trained with them to learn how to fight evil, and if you called this man a whiner, he’d shove a Batarang up your ass.
Jere: Oh, yeah, I remember a movie about a psychotic millionaire vigilante with abandonment issues training with a group of ninjas. Remind me what happened at the end of that training? No, wait, I remember… the ninjas turned out to be evil and got the shit kicked out of them by a pretty boy with a chip on his shoulder. Then those ninjas showed up again and tried to destroy a city. What wonderful role models for “the greater good.” But I’m glad you brought up the difference between real life and fantasy because I remember a time not so long ago when I was watching CNN and Anderson Cooper was reporting about a group of badasses who were challenging the international corporate shipping machine around Indonesia and Somalia… that’s right, real-life modern-day pirates are relevant to the world. When is the last time you heard about a real ninja doing anything? I mean, the closest thing you’ve got to a modern ninja is douchebag Republican tool Chuck Norris.
Craig: First off, regardless of his political affiliations, Chuck Norris is awesome. And he isn’t a ninja, he’s a Texas Ranger, whatever that means. Furthermore, you can’t have it both ways. You can’t be all like: “Ninjas are dorks!” when I say all the good things they do, and then be all like: “Ninjas are evil!” when I retaliate your dorky accusations with a comment on their badassery. Pick one argument and stick with it. I’m merely stating that ninjas are multifaceted people who can do good things in badass ways. Pirates on the other hand can’t even spell multifaceted. And that piracy in Somalia you’re so fond of? Maybe if you weren’t so enamored by Anderson Cooper, you’d actually listen to the news report and know that the piracy has lead to an increase in shipping costs due to the added security needed to escort ships through troubled waters. And you know damn well that those added costs are being filtered down to us consumers! Oh yeah, and $150 million U.S. taxpayer dollars have gone to Somali pirates in the past year as ransom money. So basically pirates are adding to our current financial crisis. Way to go pirates! Yo ho ho and a bottle of fuck you.
Jere: Yeah, after you said Chuck “homosexuality is ‘aberrant sexual behavior’” Norris is awesome, I stopped listening to your crazy ramblings. Look, you may not know this, but most bookstores have sections other than Star Wars novels. One of these sections is the “romance” genre. I’m not claiming the novels found here are great literature, but they sell. If you ever do wander around this section of the bookstore, you know what you’ll see? Pirates. Lot’s of hunky, bodice-ripping, bulging-muscled, throbbing-membered, flowing-haired, tanned and gorgeous pirates. You know what I don’t see in the masturbation-fodder section of the store? Ninjas. You know where I do see a lot of ninjas? On Youtube.
Craig: Well then I guess it’s a good thing Chuck Norris isn’t a ninja then, huh? Maybe if we were debating Pirates versus Republicans you’d stand a chance. But alas, it’s Pirates versus Ninjas and you’ve resorted to using romance novel covers for your arguments, and everyone knows that Fabio is not an actual pirate, but rather he is the catalyst for women to pirate their own vaginas while reading a book with his rippling bodice on its cover. But enough about how you spend your Sunday afternoons. Besides, if you want romance, why not go for a man with a little mystery in his life? Who doesn’t get turned on by the dark, mysterious figure, hidden in shadows, watching your every move? It’s an erotic game of hide and seek! And even if they’re ugly you can tell them to leave the mask on. Oh baby! Also, if you go for a ninja, you save yourself from any unfortunate “walk my plank” jokes.
Jere: You know who was the greatest enemy of the pirates? The British. You know who else hates the British? Americans. Not to mention that pirates totally knew about America before it was all cool to know about America. They were the original fans. Also, it’s the God-given right of all Americans to download Britney Spears music off the internet in that great American pasttime known as “music piracy.” Pirates are as American as apple pie and credit card debt. Now, as an American, I only know three things about Korea or China or whatever Asian country it is that ninjas come from: 1) that I’m hungry again an hour after eating their food, B) they’re taking our jobs by making better electronics and cars and stuff, and IV) they’re Commie freedom-haters. So tell me, Craig Benedict, why do you hate America?
Craig: Ah ha! You reveal your true nature! A racist! “Or whatever Asian country it is that ninjas come from.” So I suppose it does not matter to you that ninjas originate from Japan? Nor does it not matter to you that the word ninja stems from the Japanese words for “stealthy person”? No, no, all Asian countries are the same to you. It’s all starting to make sense now. And you call ME the communist? Pirates are the ones that live outside of countries, without race, without economy, without religion. They are the ones devoid of all other defining characteristics besides what makes them a pirate. In your perfect world no pirate is allowed to stand out from the rest. Even if they get their hand chopped off, it’s always replaced with a hook. Really? A hook is the best they can come up with? Why not a nunchuk? Or a chainsaw? Or a laser? No, because a pirate is a pirate is a pirate, and all pirates have to be exactly alike in Jere’s perfect world, free of uniqueness. Sure, one might have a black beard, and another might have a red beard, but let’s face it, pirates all look alike. And yes, the same could be said about ninjas but at least there’s a reason behind it. I’ll let the ninja standing right behind you explain. Oh, you didn’t see the ninja standing right behind you? Exactly.
Jere: So in conclusion: Han Solo and Chewbacca, pirates.
Craig: So in conclusion: Star Wars stopped being cool after 1980, and a ninja killed Jar Jar and ate him with a nice salad. THE END. Dah duh! Dah duh! Dah duh! Da da da daaa!
So who do you guys think won? Don’t let the fact that his pirate costume is a million times better than my ninja costume sway your opinion!
Be sure to head over to Jere’s blog: Blind Prophecy!
Think you could do better? Send me an e-mail with a topic you’d like to debate with me! If you’ve previously sent me a topic, and I never got back to you, or if we haven’t started the debating process yet, send me a reminder! I’m very forgetful! If you can’t think of a topic, but want to do a debate, send me an e-mail with your interests and we’ll work one out together! For more Puntabulous Debates CLICK HERE!
February 16th, 2009 at 7:51 am
Ahh…one of my favorite debates so far. Nicely done, my fellow Puntabulous minions.
Awesomely funny graphics on both sides!
But ultimately, Craig, you lost me with: “What good ever happened from getting wasted off your ass on a beach?”
Umm…what? That’s just insane talk…
Jere wins. Even though, Craig, you do have a winning new haircut.
February 16th, 2009 at 7:53 am
Oh, and the “Can you spot the ninja?” pic — I literally laughed out loud. Perfect.
And, Jere, the Han Solo angle sold me too. Coolest pirate ever.
February 16th, 2009 at 8:25 am
Great debate and I love the photos! Craig, your mom will be happy that your hood is finally being put to good use!
February 16th, 2009 at 8:44 am
I always have to vote for ninjas.
February 16th, 2009 at 9:43 am
Gotta go with pirates. After all, Ninja’s don’t have sex. Or if they do, who would know. Stealthy sex is no fun.
February 16th, 2009 at 9:44 am
Yes, ninjas are cooler. I was one for Halloween in 6th grade.
Craig looks like a dorky version of Chris Evans in that “My Nine-ja Lover” pic.
February 16th, 2009 at 9:47 am
Oh, i forgot that ninjas also have a cool funny website on which you can pose questions to them.
http://askaninja.com/
February 16th, 2009 at 10:04 am
When do we celebrate “Talk Like A Ninja Day”?
Pirates have that goofy aura going for them; Ninja have…what, the mutant turtle cartoon?
Sorry, Craig. You debate well, but for a lost cause I fear.
February 16th, 2009 at 10:58 am
Hmm… Pirates are up by a mere single vote. This could be a close one…
February 16th, 2009 at 11:25 am
I have run this debate in my head so many times I’ve developed an aneurysm, and still can’t pick a winner. I like pirates and ninjas equally.
February 16th, 2009 at 11:25 am
I have to go with pirates on this one. I can’t affiliate myself with ninjas because they assasinated my great-grandfather who was a lutheran missionary in japan
February 16th, 2009 at 11:26 am
I started out with an innate preference for ninjas and was happy to see Craig was taking that side because I like to root for the home team. I wavered over the Chuck Norris issue because I don’t think he’s awesome, but since he’s not a ninja and Craig’s ninja romance novel cover was sexier than the pirate covers, it’s not going to sway me. Finally, Han Solo is not a pirate. He never boards a ship and steals the cargo. Someone else does that for him.
Craig wins!
February 16th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Bossy is stumped. And when she says stumped she is of course referring to the Stump at the bottom of the pirate peg leg, so, yeah, she’ll go with Ninja.
February 16th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Gotta go with ninjas. I’m all for the Johnny Depp “Jack Sparrow” pirate….I could get dirty and scurvy with that pirate for sure. However, as a group, pirates have terrible hygiene (which is a deal-breaker for me) and they’re never working together as a group. They’ll skewer each other over a piece of gold just as quick as the next guy.
Ninjas may be all stealth and hiding (and what’s with the black all of the freaking time???), BUT they have some badass weaponry and they do wash daily.
SO…my vote goes to Craig.
February 16th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Oh come on, pirates all the way. There is a whole new genre of m/m lit opening, its hot pirate man love. I haven’t read any personally but I hear its pretty smokin’. Ninja are too emo and I agree with Jere, no one parties like a pirate. Although damn, Craig, you look hot in that picture with the mask off. But Jere with long blonde hair? Divine.
Thanks guys, I was at the point I really needed a laugh today. Job well done.
February 16th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Facial hair + Britney Spears = Jere/pirates ftw.
February 16th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
After losing it for a comment or two, Pirates takes back the lead by one! Current score: Ninjas 5, Pirates 6.
February 16th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Tam: I read your post too quickly at first and read “its hot primate love” and did a double take.
Ninjas for me! Pirates are crooks, ninjas are mercenaries. I’m all about honest pay.
Craig: That photo of you sans hood is pretty damn nice. I see a new match.com profile photo.
Excellent photos all around and Jere also almost won me over with this line: “Look, you may not know this, but most bookstores have sections other than Star Wars novels.”
February 16th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Jewelz has a good point. Ninjas need good hygiene. It’s hard to sneak up on someone who can smell you a mile away.
February 16th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Totally off the subject, did anyone see Helo, from BSG, on Joss Whedon’s Dollhouse? Kickboxing no less… which is so 90s.
February 16th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Han Solo wasn’t a pirate. He was a smuggler! Not the same thing!
February 16th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
GoKitty: I haven’t watched yet (I will soon!) but I hear he’s almost naked?
February 16th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
Since I’m totally shallow, and any pirate film would show a lot of sexy man-flesh, while a ninja film would just be really dark PLUS pirates are associated with rum while ninjas are associated with…poison I guess?… I’m gonna go with pirates. Even though “talk like a pirate day” makes me break out in hives.
February 16th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
GoKitty: I watched. That was the best part of the otherwise ho-hum show.
Go Team Ninja!
I can post the full pic of me without the mask on later if anyone wants it. It has my whole body in it, but I was wearing blue track pants, which I didn’t think would show up as blue as they did, so I had to crop them out. Not sure how well it would work on Match.com though. “Here’s a pic of me, but I’m wearing my Mom’s black gloves and holding a hood (that isn’t attached to a jacket) because I was dressed up as a ninja.”
February 16th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Sorry Craig, two weeks in a row you lose. Pirates are just much better than Ninjas…
February 16th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Han Solo In An Eyepatch is way better than pirates. I was leaning toward ninjas until that came up.
February 16th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Sorry my friend, pirates kick ass.
February 16th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
Pirates=drunk. drunk is good
Ninjas=super hot babes as in crouching tiger…and kill bill
very difficult but ninjas win!
February 16th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
It’ll still work Craig. I think we all agree. When did you take it?
And def post it for us!
February 16th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
John: Hot primate love? I like to think I’m pretty open and accepting but I think even I would draw the line at reading about that.
February 16th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Pirates are gaining a bigger and bigger margin over Ninjas — they’re up by 3. Current score: Ninjas 7, Pirates 10.
February 16th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
In an effort to turn the tide, here is AskANinja’s review of Pirates of the Carribean.
http://askaninja.com/node/1175
February 16th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
I’ve always had a thing for ninjas. I always wanted to be one and I remember when we were young, my older brother took karate for all of a month and suddenly started putting my older sister, my younger brother and me through “ninja training”…..which consisted of jumping off the top of the entertainment center….or sliding off the top bunk of the bunk beds while riding a giant bean bag.
I would always go out of my way to do these ridiculous things and my brother would always be like, “Kelly is now a black belt, Michael is an orange belt, and for the 3rd week in a row, Joe is still a pink belt.”
assholes.
sigh.
February 16th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Craig: You could crop the photo for match.com or you could leave the whole thing with Enrico’s explanation. At least guys would recognize you for the geek royalty you are, ‘cuz, dude, I’m a geek and you are my King.
February 16th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Hello sailor!
Am a big fan of sailors *cough* and thus I’m going to side with pirates.
February 16th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
My daughter had a classmate in grade 1 named Sailor. A girl. I guess her parents were big fans of Sailor Moon. I always wondered what her middle name was. Probably not the sailor you are looking for Milo.
February 16th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Hmm… this is a tough one. I would definitely want to party with the Pirate, but I would rather take the Ninja home at the end of the night (sloppy drunk Pirate sex has nothing on the freaky things the limber Ninja can do) so I think I will have to give my vote to the Ninja.
February 16th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
[...] watch movies while everyone else is asleep, but then I miss out on an entire day of voting in my guest debate with Craig at Puntabulous. Apparently, some people doubt the word of Lando Calrissian and are suggesting that Han Solo is not [...]
February 16th, 2009 at 6:49 pm
ninjas win, bad hygiene and terrible teeth nixed the pirates.
February 16th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
Here is the full pic:
http://puntabulous.com/wp-content/ninjapic.jpg
February 16th, 2009 at 7:53 pm
Craig – you look so badass in that picture!
Terrific debate. Jere – you make a dashing pirate : ).
I’m picking ninjas. But only because I would rather be a lean, mean, healthy killing machine than a stinky, toothless, scurvy one.
February 16th, 2009 at 9:24 pm
Okay…pirates probably know how to flaun their “equipment” a little better when it comes to the wenches….hence the covers of romance novels. And they would probably pass out drunk from rum after they’d finished their business. But think about all of the moves a ninja could do under the covers. I’m still voting for ninjas…but this time my motive is about sex and not hygiene.
February 16th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
This is a tough one… I do an awesome Pirate voice, but I totally heart Ninjas! I’m torn between the two.
February 16th, 2009 at 10:56 pm
Yeah Craig, I think that’s the best pic of you I’ve ever seen besides from the old banner one with the Mickey Mouse ears. Now I’ll just give you a photoshop tan and you’ll be all good.
February 17th, 2009 at 7:27 pm
Hilarious. And I’d take a good ninja movie over a good pirate movie any days.
February 17th, 2009 at 7:27 pm
Um, that’s any day.
February 17th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Damn it! This was going to be the theme for my fancy dress birthday party this year. I was all ‘yeah, I’m going to be a ninja’ but now I don’t know which to choose. I think I’ll stick with my plan – no one looks suave (or thin) in a billowing shirt and britches.
February 17th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
Sven – how about going as a pirate-ninja? Or a ninja-pirate?
February 18th, 2009 at 3:51 am
Nice, Michele. Perhaps top half pirate, bottom half ninja. Or left/right divide. Oh, the possibilities.
February 18th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
Love the pic Ninja pic with Argyle on
Yayy Ninjas