Puntabulous

It’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for! I am proud to present the submissions for the Create a Super Villain for Super Viagra and Vagina Girl Contest! All of the submissions I received are so incredibly genius and only help to reinforce the fact that I have the greatest, most talented, most creative readers in the blogosphere. Without further adieu ado, here are the entrants in no particular order:

Queen Chlamydia, Crab, and the STD Gang by Enrico

So Queen Chlamydia used to work at a hospital where she was researching the cure to blindness. But one night, she had a drunken hook-up at a party and found out soon after that she had chlamydia! And as you probably know, Chlamydia is one of the leading causes of blindness. So after she went blind, she decided to curse the world and seek out revenge by giving the world STDs. So she went to her lab and felt her way around her equipment and created other STD villains to help her on her evil quest!

Super Cialis by Enrico

Super Cialis is another superhero on the scene, another erectile dysfunction cure! Although he only modifies Super Viagra’s moves slightly, he always manages to arrive on the scene only moments before Super Viagra to save the day, earning the public’s complete adoration and Super Viagra’s anger!

Count Celi Bacy by Michael B.

Count Celi Bacy, or Cecil as his friends call him. He grew up an awkward child, living in a Catholic orphanage after his mother and father tragically died in an orgy accident. This experience left him fearful of, and harboring hatred for, any kind of free-wheeling lifestyle. The Count has made it his life goal to remove all semblence of fun and galantry from day to day life, allowing only a small level of indulgence on Halloween. The Count likes his minions, pre-teen boys, to call him Daddy and are often seen washing his feet. One touch to the forehead from The Count causes brief periods of hallucination and sometimes epilepsy followed by an increase in feelings of guilt and self-deprecation. The Count is also able to infuse a strange chemical into bread products that remove the consumers’ free will. It is through this ability that he commands hoards of zombie-like followers who do his bidding without question. The chemical, which has yet to be identified by scientists, can vary in its influence throughout the course of a week until The Count calls upon his followers, usually on Sunday.

Tamposa by john

Origin: Tamara Pax was a promising young gymnast and academic genius. Tamara’s parents worked very hard at the local warehouse to provide her a good home and to pay for her Olympic level gymnastics trainer and world-class tutors to give her every advantage to get an education at either Harvard or Yale. Tamar was on the fast track to a successful sports career followed by a career as a scientist. All was great until…

Tamara was having a great day! She landed all her dismounts at practice and was told by her science teacher that she was approved for a research grant to develop a new polymer that will increase the strength of cloth so that it becomes bullet proof. Tamara couldn’t wait to get home to tell her parents, but when she arrived at home, her world shattered.

Tamara arrived at home to see her apartment building, and the surrounding buildings slumped over. But that wasn’t the worst of it, there in the street, were her parent’s limp bodies. Later, the police would explain that her parents fell out of building when Captain Flaccid’s ray hit and they fell to their death. In the following days, things only got worse. Tamara’s parents hadn’t told her that they lost their jobs at the warehouse and lost their life insurance. Tamara was now a penniless orphan.

Tamara could no longer afford her training and had no money to go to college. To survive, she had to take a job at the local tampon factory. It was there that Tamara’s mind began to unravel. As the time passed, Tamara found out more and more about the accident that killed her parents and she placed all the blame and rage on Super Viagra and Vagina Girl. They should have done more, they should have stopped Captain Falccid before he struck. They failed! And they had to pay!

Tamara became obsessed; she wanted revenge! She knew the only way she could get her revenge was to use her mind. She slaved every day at the tampon factory and saved every extra penny of her meager salary to buy supplies to continue her polymer experiments. The only material she could experiment on was stolen cotton from the tampon factory. She spent many long nights trying different formulas and faced many failures until one night she had her breakthrough and it worked better than she had hoped. The polymer made the cotton stronger than Kevlar, as flexible as spandex and it absorbed and deflected blunt forces giving the wearer limited invulnerability, and it still retained its original absorbency. She was ready.

Tamara used the tampon cotton treated with her polymer to fashion a costume with a helmet to protect her brain and hide her identity. She also wove the tampon strings into a rope and treated it with the polymer. Finally, she created a gun with super dense polymer cotton bullets. Donning her costume, she was ready to hunt Super Viagra and Vagina Girl down and get her revenge as TAMPOSA!

Powers and Abilities: Tamara Pax does not have super powers, but is an elite level gymnast from years of training. She also possesses a genius level intellect with extensive knowledge in plastics and chemical engineering.

As Tamposa, she is a formidable opponent. Her costume provides her near invulnerability but remains flexible enough for her to use her gymnastic ability to her fullest extent.

Weapons and Equipment: Tamposa has two major weapons: her Pull Sting Rope and her Applicator Gun.

Tamposa’s Pull String Rope has been treated with her secret polymer formula. It has the tensile strength of steel and the flexibility of spandex. Tamposa’s skill with her string rope is significant from her years of training as a gymnast and rhythmic gymnastics.

Tamposa’s Applicator Gun is loaded with special tampon bullets with pull string tails. The bullets dense packing, and flexible texture pack a powerful punch. Additionally, the pull string tails entangle the target and immobilize them.

Crab Man (click to enlarge) by john and Michelle M.

Jim Merkin never had much luck with the ladies. He was always too shy and too nervous to get some action. Inspired by the heroic actions of our hero, Super Viagra, Jim decided that the best way to overcome his problems was to get some Viagra and get rid of his pesky virginity with a prostitute.

Jim didn’t have health insurance, so he scored some Vitamin V from an “honest looking thug” down town near the nuclear power plant. He took his pill right there and hooked up with the closest working girl that he could afford on $15.

Jim didn’t think his plan out too well because he forgot protection. During what was supposed to be the answer to all his dreams, Jim became infected with crabs. Super, irradiated crabs, that when combined with the irradiated Viagra that Jim took horribly mutated him into CRAB MAN! Jim developed super strength, armor, multiple legs and dangerously sharp and strong pincers. On top of all that, he also developed a second head, a crab head linked to his mind that helps him see in all directions and control his new, multiple appendages.

Angry and robbed of his humanity, Jim set out to get his revenge on the man who made his life a living hell: SUPER VIAGRA!

The Paralyzing MonSter by Xi_Heather and Michelle M.

No one knows the origin of this Villain, though there seems to be a connection with the cultivation of cocoa beans.

The attack of the Paralyzing MonSter is two-fold. First, she paralyzes her victims: they are terrified of taking any action. Inaction is equally risky. If they make a move (or don’t make a move), she releases the Storm of Fury. This is a combination of a mini-tornado (a la the Tasmanian Devil in the old cartoons), destroying everything in its path, and Howlers (the Screaming Letters) from Harry Potter.

The P. MonSter’s only weakness is occasionally breaking down into a puddle of tears. This happens at random, but seems to be associated with a perceived act of kindness or seeing a cute kitten or puppy. [But be warned: Kindness is equally likely to release the Storm of Fury. There are no guarantees.]

Jamie Jean Spears by Michelle M.

Overweight, bald and crazy, America’s pop princess was spiraling out of control. Super Viagra was on the case and fucked some sense into her. Literally. 9 months later…

Jamie Jean Spears, the bastard child of Britney Jean Spears and Jamie Johnson is born. Mommy and daddy issues and an insatiable appetite have driven her insane. Trailing toxic Cheeto dust, she bashes her enemies with her umbrella of destruction. Aided by her poisonous snake, Y’all, she will not stop until the world bows before her. Her ultimate weapon is the pantiless crotch flash of death.

Master Bader by Michelle M.

An extreme and incessant masturbator, William Wanker serviced himself so violently one night the friction transformed him into … Master Bader!

Bitter over his blindness and hairy palms, Master Bader causes mayhem by turning ordinary citizens into self pleasuring fiends. His weapons of choice are his sock of splooge, Vibratron ray gun (which causes vibrations so intense the victim explodes), lotion of lust and tissues of terror. Master Bader and his army of giant blow up dolls are out to conquer the world. Super Viagra and Vagina Girl – Beware!

Miss Priss by Michelle M.

Priscilla Preston was your ordinary, run-of-the-mill stripper/prostitute/sex worker. There was nothing she wouldn’t do.

While performing sex acts on her web cam during a savage lightening storm, Priscilla is hit by a powerful electrical surge. She is transformed into ….MISS PRISS.

Now she considers sex to be dirty and disgusting and is dedicated to the battle against fornication and copulation. With her new super powers of flight, force field chastity belt, cock blocking bracelets, detachable “purity ring” necklace and the unicorn horn of impotence and dysfunction (which she stole from the collection of an aging multibillionaire), she will battle all that Super Viagra and Vagina Girl stand for.

Did I mention she is sickly sweet and that rainbow rays shoot out of her ass?

Vagina Dentata by Greg L.

Born of a secret Mexican shadow operation to protect their land against possible American invasion by Super Viagra or Vagina Girl, Vagina Dentata was meant to be a perfect clone of Vagina Girl however the procedure went awry…

A perfect copy of Vagina Girl was made using a sample of her vaginaDNA (vDNA). And while this copy had the same vDNA and powers as Vagina Girl it lacked a mind. The Mexicans decided to copy the brain waves of 15 strong, independent women they had been spying on into the clone. One of them, Concepcion, had recently acted as the dominant partner in a sexual relationship she had with a strange man. These sexual-dominance brain waves had an uncanny reaction with Vagina Girl’s vDNA and transformed the clone into a snarling, toothed beast that strikes fear in the hearts (and cocks) of men.

Instead of considering the experiment a failure the Mexican shadow government created a new mission for Vagina Dentata. She is to utilize her addition ability of shapeshifting to pose as Valerie, Vagina Girl’s secret identity, in order to collect more information on American security and Super Viagra. When she collects enough information to give her the upper hand, she is to assassinate Super Viagra.

Vagina Dentata’s snarling, tooth-filled labia fills all penis-equipped organisms with a great deal of paralyzing fear. She can also shapshift into a form more similar to Vagina Girl’s alter-ego Valerie.

Other than that she has all the same powers as her original source of vDNA, Vagina Girl, does. One pitfall is that Concepcion’s personality often takes over Vagina Dentata’s shapeshifting powers and tries to locate more weak willed men to dominate in the bedroom.

Dirty Sanchez by (my brother) John

Growing up on the mean streets of Bigote Maloliente Mexico, Sanchez was just another graffiti artist, but he got bored. Anyone with 10 pesos could buy a can of spray-paint and vandalize a wall. Sanchez wanted to be different he wanted to be special. He began spray painting people’s faces instead and people started calling him Special Sanchez. He soon got bored with this too, and the short bus jokes were starting to irk Special Sanchez. He needed to do something nasty, something “Dirty”. One day, he was caught spray painting someone’s face and the police officer told him to wipe that shit eating grin off his face. Sanchez had an idea. He used the next couple months in prison to hone his craft. Now Dirty Sanchez terrorizes the world by vandalizing the faces of his innocent victims. He leaves them with a sore behind and a horrible smell they can’t get rid of.

Dr. “Menstrual” Flo Rivers by Patrick V.

Superpowers: Mind control over adult women (usually to turn them against anyone and anything around them, kinda like zombies but minus the brain-eating), uncontrolable rage, lie detecting (god help you if you lie to her), and she’s incredibly smart.

Weaknesses: Midol, Lifetime movies or anything with Meg Ryan (they make her a blubbering mess), ice cream, comfy pajama pants.

Origin: Well, Menstrual Flo has always been a genius since her early teenage years. Using her grit, beauty, and smarts, she graduated top of her class at medical school becoming one of the world’s leading doctors, working at a pharmaceutical companies. She gained her powers from a experiment gone wrong conducted at her company. Much like how Dr. Manhattan got his powers, but instead of being ripped apart molecularly, she was bombarded with tampons in a testing chamber until she was on the brink of death. Once the smoke and cotton subsided, she emerged with the powers that make her the diabolical genius she is today. She has yet to perfect her powers since she only has them 3 days of the month. This is her greatest obstacle in her quest for world domination. Scorned by many men throughout her years, she hopes to one day rid the world of all men leaving only the women whom she can control with her mind. Once she figures out how to maintain her powers all month long, not even Super Viagra or Vagina Girl can stop her.

The E-Wreck-Tor by Polt

His head and neck are hairless and hard as steel. When he bends over and runs, he can thrust his head through nearly any substance. There is a small indentation on the top of his head, just a freak mutation. His real name is Richard Head, and he used to idolize Vagina Girl, and date Valerie Vase, but Valerie broke his heart, so he used his gifts for evil and wants nothing more than to ram himself into Vagina Girl!

Harry Beaver by Tam

His name is Harry Beaver, he is Canadian of course. He lives on a diet of poutine, fried pork rinds, maple syrup and Labatt’s 50. He speaks with a French-Canadian accent. His lair is a giant beaver lodge in the middle of a lake in the wilds of Canada but he’s open to moving.

His powers: He possesses a virulent saliva which causes excessive pubic hair growth (in both sexes – he’s an equal opportunity beaver). He can chew through limbs (human and arboreal in a matter of seconds). He can administer a wicked spanking with his tail (which may or may not be a deterrent depending on your predilection).

I have no idea why he wants to rule the world. It may be revenge for when his adoptive beaver parents were killed when municipal employees dynamited their lodge/dam which was going to cause spring flooding in town, or maybe he’s just out and out crazy or he’s hoping to have a statue like this one erected for him in some little town in honor of his evilness.

Pervy Monkey by VUBOQ

Sidekicks: The Army of Killer StickKittens

Origin: Dr. Palmer D. Johnson was a mild-mannered research veterinarian at the Bronx Zoo. The focus of his research was on primate DNA, specifically spider monkeys and chimpanzees. Because his supervisor, Dr. Natasha L. Clitters was a total ignorant bitch, he often had to work long and hard hours. Late one night, he was making a preparation of modified chimpanzee mitochondrial DNA and spider monkey RNA, when one of his pet lab stickkittens jumped on his back. Startled, his hand slipped and he injected himself with the mixture. [OMG! This is like a total rip-off of the Amazing Spider-Man (or the Flash)]. His research destroyed, Palmer (*heh*) went home and made a martini. Mmmm. Martini.

When, HOLY JANE GOODALL!, the SuperCheap Gin he had to buy (research vets at the Bronx Zoo don’t get paid shit … unlike their bitch supervisors) chemically reacted with his experimental genetic solution turning Dr. Johnson (*heh*) into the Pervy Monkey! A man-monkey hybrid with the amazing power of Double Entendre, as well as the ability to make StickKittens do his bidding. Plus, he has this amazing prehensile tail, which when used the right way … *rowr* … *oh, yeah* … *shudder* …

*whew* Where was I?

And, there you have it.

Poppin Fresh by TwoPi

Origins: Poppin Fresh was the unfortunate outcome of above-ground atomic testing in the American Southwest, when a batch of bread dough, left out to rise in the kitchen of Mabel McGillicutty, got supersaturated with airborne radioactive particles, causing the yeast cells to combine with a stray strand of Mabel’s beehive hairdo and mutate into a living, speaking glob of dough.

After years of living on the run from the military (eager to take Poppin to Area 51, in hopes of finding some sentient being capable of reproducing with lone survivor of the Roswell accident), Poppin sought safety in living a highly visible life, finally finding work in the food industry, as a commercial model and professional endorser of ready-made bread products.

Middle age was hard on Poppin. A celebrity famous for being famous, he fell into the various addictions that such folk are tragically prone to. After being rejected by both the Betty Ford and Kitty Carlile clinics, Poppin turned his rage on an american public that has foresaken him, preferring whole grains and wholesome foods.

Special attacks: Poppin’s main weapon is also his main weakness. Poppin is most comfortable in cold climates; in warmer weather, his yeast cells begin to reproduce, and he rises. In this, he can rival Super Viagra, causing significant professional jealosy. Poppin becomes less mobile when risen and puffy, but it does give him his alcohol fix, as the two biproducts of yeast reproduction are the CO2 (causing dough rising while contributing to global warming) and alcohol (fueling Poppin’s fury).

Poppin’s main attack on humans is the spreading of yeast, bedeviling housewives throughout the world. (Poppin, whose mental development occurred during the flash of evolution during that fateful New Mexico afternoon, is mired in a vision of 1950s America. He’s puzzled by the kitchens he keeps seeing, and the lack of chain-smoking women in aprons as he hunts house to house, sheepishly calling “Mabel…?”)

Skanky Ungroomed Girl by Jewelz

She came about because of a fear of razors and waxing due to an unfortunate Brazilian waxing incident that she still refuses to speak about. All I know is that the wax was hot, the technician didn’t speak English (I think SUG may have actually gone to Brazil for the procedure), and some sort of electrical surge. Since then, her pubes have grown out of control. Because of her fear of razors, she has tried hair-removal creams and plucking….both of which ended badly because for every one pubic hair that was removed, two more appeared in its place.

Her super powers are all related to her spectacularly ungroomed pubic area…kind of like Sampson’s hair. Her pubes can grab people and tie them up so that she can create chaos and mayhem to the general public, they are strong enough to grab onto bars and high buildings to swing her above the city and stay above the radar of the local police authorities, they are course enough to cause serious physical damage should they poke you in the eye or any other orifice, AND because of the electrical surge that occured at the time of her grooming incident, her pubic hairs have ultra-static electricity powers that will render you helpless should she rub herself on you. It would be 10X worse than a stun-gun or phazer.

The Skanky part comes from the fact that the reason she was going for the Brazilian in the first place is that personal hygiene wasn’t her forte, and someone suggested that she get a Brazilian so that she wouldn’t have to worry about weakly delousing of a crab infestation or using soap in her naughty bits on a regular basis. Being the skanky gal she is, the idea appealed to her. Now the skankiness continues because she doesn’t wash her pubes at all anymore….they are electrified…would you immerse them in water?

Sphinxtera (click to enlarge) by Javi

Origin: Sphinxtera was awakened from her eternal slumber during the epic battle between Super Viagra and Captain Flaccid. Sphinxtera was sealed deep within the bowels of the Sphinx by the ancients because of her plans for world domination and because she was an asshole. That is, until a beam of invigorating light (from the battle with Capt. Flaccid) hit the Sphinx and caused her sarcophagus to be emptied from within the Sphinx. Now after thousands of years, she is free to bring her evil plans to fruition. She must collect the 5 [anal] beads of power that are now scattered in museums and in private collections all over the world. With the beads in her possession, she can resurrect her Ancient God and destroy the world.

Secret Lair: Inside the Butt of the Sphinx

Minions: Ass(male) and Kiss(female)…who do precisely just that. Her minions are actually two Assps(snakes) with fleshy crests that look like butts on their heads that can shapeshift into two forms that look eerily similar to Super Viagra and Vagina Girl… but why? What’s the secret connection? And just who really are Ass and Kiss?

Villain powers: Sphinxtera’s main weapon is her “Hole of Ra” a magical jewel that is part of her headdress. The “Hole of Ra” when activated will open up like a black hole and suck any objects into it. Also she has to power to be super assholish. Especially to her minions.

And she’s constantly mistaken for Cher.

Abstinensia (click to enlarge) by Javi

Just another crazy super villain. She believes everyone is impure and decides to wipe out humanity. She especially hates sex and anyone who partakes in it. So it seemed only natural to be the enemies of Super Viagra and Vagina Girl. She is a counterpart to Captain Flaccid but more extreme.

The Toxic Douche by Jere

(click to enlarge)

Theodore Docciare was once a simple man of God on a quest to once and for all discover the evil secrets of female dirty parts. His studies lead him to South America, where he discovered the lost caverns of Amazonia. Venturing inside a tight, damp cave, he came upon a remarkably clean underground lake. In the deepest, wettest part of that lake, he found the ancient Golden Dildo of Athena, a mystical artifact long thought to be nothing more than legend. However, when he laid his male hands upon the phallus, the cavern began to tremble and shake. Before he could react, the entire cave collapsed around him.

Long he waited in the dark, feeling the lake turn to acid and burning at his skin. Trapped in the dark, his sanity slowly slipping away, he cursed his fate. Hours… days… weeks passed and somehow Theodore clung to life and clung to the ancient artifact.

Then, suddenly, light. His two young assistants had seen the cavern collapse and had led an exhaustive effort to dig him out. At the first beam of sunshine struck the Golden Dildo of Athena, he heard a voice prompting him to make his innermost desire known. Within him welled up a great hate and, as the young assistants reached down to pluck his skeletal frame from the acidic pool, he summoned a last gasp of human strength to bellow “Revenge on Women!”

The magic of the artifact hit him like a blast of wind, flensing the burned and scarred skin from his bones and catching up at the two young men who had come to rescue him. The artifact slipped from his hands as he screamed out in pain. The last thing he heard with his human ears was the clink of dildo falling away into the cave below.

When he came to, all signs of the cave or the cave-in were gone, but he had been transformed. The Toxic Douche and his minions the Shock Tampons had been born.

Toxic Douche is a true madman, full of contradiction. He seeks to be embraced by female parts, but only to destroy them.

Able to discharge a variety of poisons from his nozzle, he has left a trail of sick, dying and dead women across the globe. He can fly and although he doesn’t technically have super strength, his recyclable plastic is very damage and pain resistant.

He is aided in his murderous goals by the Shock Tampons (Gamble and Proctor), the transformed assistants from his previous life. The Shock Tampons are totally devoted to the Toxic Douche. With their electric whip ropes and their absorbent bodies, they are able to cause sickness and pain, hide in small places, and frighten men away from helping the poor women in the clutches of Toxic Douche.

Will Super Viagra and Vagina Girl be able to stop this madman? Will Super Viagra tremble in confusion and fear at the sight of the dangling tails of the Shock Tampons? Will Vagina Girl ever feel fresh and clean again after Toxic Douche aims his nozzle at her dirty, dirty lips?

—

Okay, so there are all the entrants. Aren’t they amazing? Quite a Rogues Gallery I have now, huh? Like I’ve said before, I’d love to use as many of these characters as I can in the future. But there can only be one winner. Seriously, this was the hardest decision I’ve had to make in a long long time. Even harder than deciding whether to get out of bed in the morning. But I thought about it long and hard (And got confirmation from my Mom of all people. Yes, my Mom knows how perverted you all are now! Although I refused to explain what a dirty sanchez was.) and have decided on a winner. The winner gets a DVD copy of The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra and their super villain will appear in the next installment (and probably many more) of The Adventures Super Viagra and Vagina Girl!

CLICK HERE FOR THE WINNER!

Congratulations to the winner and thank you so much to everyone who sent me a submission! Everyday I’m flabbergasted and humbled by the wealth of creativity shown by my readers, and I’m so proud to be a part of it!