Yes, it’s fun to make fun of Stephenie Meyer because she’s all gaga over vampires and werewolves, what, with their immortal beauty, their skin like diamonds, and their penchant for thinking up cute nicknames (“Hold on tight, spidermonkey!”). But every time I see those Old Spice commercials and get all hubba hubba over the wet, soaped up Centaur, I realized that me and her might have a bit more in common than I originally thought. So I’ve created this handy guide that will help you pick the fantastical creature that’s right for you:
FANTASTICAL CREATURE: Centaur
PROS: Nothing is more majestic than a horse, and when you throw a set of six pack abs and a cute face, what could be better?
CONS: Don’t get too excited about the prospect of him being hung like a horse because this time it’s literal. Just imagine being on your hands and knees with those hooves on your shoulders. Not so sexy now, is it?
VERDICT: A nice set of abs goes a long way. Besides, a roll in the hay could be fun.
FANTASTICAL CREATURE: Werewolf
PROS: You’d only have to deal with his abnormalities once a month, so that’s definitely a plus. And making a man howl in bed is definitely a boost to one’s ego.
CONS: But if that many crabs can collect in a small patch of hair above your hooha, just imagine how many he’s packing.
VERDICT: Go for it. Just let him think the chains in the basement are only for his special time of the month. You’ll know better.
FANTASTICAL CREATURE: Faun
PROS: Clever creatures who love the Earth and playing music, they’re kinda like the potheads on your floor in the college dorm who knew how to play the guitar, but without the douche.
CONS: These guys are too preoccupied playing their pipe flutes and prancing around that they don’t have a clue what they’re doing in the bedroom.
VERDICT: Digging around in their fur to get to the good stuff may be annoying, but if they’re anything like James McAvoy, it might be worth it.
FANTASTICAL CREATURE: Ent
PROS: These guys like to take things nice and slow, so you know they’ll treat you right. As they say: “We never do anything unless it is worth taking a long time to do. ” Kinda.
CONS: But when it’s 4:00 AM and you have work in the morning, you’ll be begging them to finish up and go to bed.
VERDICT: You gotta hand it to the old dudes. These guys are thousands of years old, but they’re always sporting wood. [Groan]
FANTASTICAL CREATURE: Minotaur
PROS: It’s like the perfect metaphor for dating! You’ve made it through the labyrinth, and if you’ve managed to survive, what right do you have to complain about what’s waiting for you in the center?
CONS: But he’s an evil man bull who wants to penetrate you with his killer horns more than anything else, so yeah, maybe you can complain a little.
VERDICT: Don’t even bother entering the labyrinth and become a nun. Men included.
FANTASTICAL CREATURE: Vampire
PROS: The lure of a man of mystery is a strong one! WWBD? What Would Buffy Do? Well, she would date him.
CONS: But then she’d push him into the Hellmouth because he’s a freaking vampire who sucks blood for a living. There are no redeeming values.
VERDICT: Things may start of sweet, but after a bit of heavy petting, you’ll be walking the Earth forever damned, and he’ll be long gone, probably dating a Slayer who now wants to kill you.
FANTASTICAL CREATURE: Cyclops
PROS: Cyclops are the white trash of the fantastical realm. And I’m somehow turning this into a pro because sometimes you can overlook the drool and poor education because Mom and Dad would so disapprove. And that’s kinda hot.
CONS: With this guy’s poor depth perception he’ll be fucking your nose and wondering what’s wrong.
VERDICT: This ain’t no James Marsden and white trash went out of style when Circus dropped.
FANTASTICAL CREATURE: Mermaid
PROS: They’re mysterious creatures who save you from shipwrecks, guide you through fog, and sing to your heaving, soaking body on the beach.
CONS: But where the fuck are their privates?
VERDICT: They can sing all they want, but this isn’t Splash, and there aren’t two sexy legs and naughty bits waiting for you under all those scales.
So what do you say? Which one of these fantastical creatures will you be bringing home tonight?
I won’t be igNORed, Enrico. (sad, that movie may have come out before you were born.)
John: I actually read quite a bit of vampire fiction, so I knew about the V.B.O. well before Tam’s post (and I actually missed that comment the first time, I just had to go back and look for it) thank-you-very-much.
Dear Craig,
As author of the “Guide To Getting It On,” I feel a bet sheepish to admit that the book has no chapters on sex with Centaurs, werewolves, fauns, ents, minotaurs vampires, Cyclopses, or mermaids. However, in the new 6th edition, I did completely rewrite Chapter 52: Surfing the Crimson Wave (From Period Gear to Period Sex)–which vampires might find arousing.
I won’t be doing the 7th edition for another two years, which would be enough time to write a chapter on sex with Centaurs, minotaurs and fauns, but I have found that people who have sex on the fringes tend to get really pissy about the occasional missing detail.
Heaven help me if I were to mention the wrong kind of lube to use when being vaginally hoofed by a centaur or faun, and who knows the subtle twists of giving one of these creatures a tail job?
It tough enough keeping the book current for students in the Ivy League schools–and they tend to be of the same species.
M. Nicodemus: I stand, well sit, corrected! My apologies! Please know I was trying to gently rib Tam more than point out a possible gap in your knowledge.
Paul Joannides: Tail job! BWA! That’s awesome.
John: I like to think I am enlightening the world with my vast store of perfectly useless knowledge.
Tam: I hope you know it is only gentle ribbing (tee hee). You and Michelle M. are totally my BFFs in Puntabuland.
YOU FORGOT LEPRECHAUNS! haha if you have a thing for leprechauns check out facebook.
John: Fatal Attraction? If so, yeah, I was birthed a year after that.
John: no worries, I still totally love you for the comment about training a werewolf, “roll over,” HA!
Joe: That is one smokin’ leprechaun with attitude.
Joe – Better watch out! Now all the boys will be after your lucky charms.
HAHA I went to a bunch of straight bars with friends dressed like that. I was VERY popular. it was hilarious.
For those who like girly parts, the sphinx is a nice alternative to the centaur.
But the more I think about it, the golem might be the best fantastical creature for getting it on: you can have it made to spec from any inanimate matter. It’s like a sex robot but made with magic instead of science.
Jere: The Sphinx is a girl? And there are girl centaurs, at least Disney had them and if Disney says its so, it must be so.
Enrico: Yup. I’m glad you got the reference. Birthed the year afterwards? Ugh.
Was that a Britney Spears reference I saw?
;D