Yes, it’s fun to make fun of Stephenie Meyer because she’s all gaga over vampires and werewolves, what, with their immortal beauty, their skin like diamonds, and their penchant for thinking up cute nicknames (“Hold on tight, spidermonkey!”). But every time I see those Old Spice commercials and get all hubba hubba over the wet, soaped up Centaur, I realized that me and her might have a bit more in common than I originally thought. So I’ve created this handy guide that will help you pick the fantastical creature that’s right for you:
FANTASTICAL CREATURE: Centaur
PROS: Nothing is more majestic than a horse, and when you throw a set of six pack abs and a cute face, what could be better?
CONS: Don’t get too excited about the prospect of him being hung like a horse because this time it’s literal. Just imagine being on your hands and knees with those hooves on your shoulders. Not so sexy now, is it?
VERDICT: A nice set of abs goes a long way. Besides, a roll in the hay could be fun.
FANTASTICAL CREATURE: Werewolf
PROS: You’d only have to deal with his abnormalities once a month, so that’s definitely a plus. And making a man howl in bed is definitely a boost to one’s ego.
CONS: But if that many crabs can collect in a small patch of hair above your hooha, just imagine how many he’s packing.
VERDICT: Go for it. Just let him think the chains in the basement are only for his special time of the month. You’ll know better.
FANTASTICAL CREATURE: Faun
PROS: Clever creatures who love the Earth and playing music, they’re kinda like the potheads on your floor in the college dorm who knew how to play the guitar, but without the douche.
CONS: These guys are too preoccupied playing their pipe flutes and prancing around that they don’t have a clue what they’re doing in the bedroom.
VERDICT: Digging around in their fur to get to the good stuff may be annoying, but if they’re anything like James McAvoy, it might be worth it.
FANTASTICAL CREATURE: Ent
PROS: These guys like to take things nice and slow, so you know they’ll treat you right. As they say: “We never do anything unless it is worth taking a long time to do. ” Kinda.
CONS: But when it’s 4:00 AM and you have work in the morning, you’ll be begging them to finish up and go to bed.
VERDICT: You gotta hand it to the old dudes. These guys are thousands of years old, but they’re always sporting wood. [Groan]
FANTASTICAL CREATURE: Minotaur
PROS: It’s like the perfect metaphor for dating! You’ve made it through the labyrinth, and if you’ve managed to survive, what right do you have to complain about what’s waiting for you in the center?
CONS: But he’s an evil man bull who wants to penetrate you with his killer horns more than anything else, so yeah, maybe you can complain a little.
VERDICT: Don’t even bother entering the labyrinth and become a nun. Men included.
FANTASTICAL CREATURE: Vampire
PROS: The lure of a man of mystery is a strong one! WWBD? What Would Buffy Do? Well, she would date him.
CONS: But then she’d push him into the Hellmouth because he’s a freaking vampire who sucks blood for a living. There are no redeeming values.
VERDICT: Things may start of sweet, but after a bit of heavy petting, you’ll be walking the Earth forever damned, and he’ll be long gone, probably dating a Slayer who now wants to kill you.
FANTASTICAL CREATURE: Cyclops
PROS: Cyclops are the white trash of the fantastical realm. And I’m somehow turning this into a pro because sometimes you can overlook the drool and poor education because Mom and Dad would so disapprove. And that’s kinda hot.
CONS: With this guy’s poor depth perception he’ll be fucking your nose and wondering what’s wrong.
VERDICT: This ain’t no James Marsden and white trash went out of style when Circus dropped.
FANTASTICAL CREATURE: Mermaid
PROS: They’re mysterious creatures who save you from shipwrecks, guide you through fog, and sing to your heaving, soaking body on the beach.
CONS: But where the fuck are their privates?
VERDICT: They can sing all they want, but this isn’t Splash, and there aren’t two sexy legs and naughty bits waiting for you under all those scales.
So what do you say? Which one of these fantastical creatures will you be bringing home tonight?
It seems to me that you have forgotten the most fantastical creature of all: Woman.
In a way she’s quite like the werewolf, what with the whole “once a month he/she/it turns into a raging monster that will eat your face if you suggest he/she/it’s ass looks big in those pants”
Centaur: Just because he’s half horse doesn’t mean he gets to be the top. Those hoofs stay on the ground. Plus, I can rest my drink on his wide horse haunches while I’m gettin busy. And I can still give him a good reach-around. Plus we’d save money because who needs a car? AND I can ride him bareback and no one can give me the stink eye about that.
No brainer. Vampire. Everyone knows that when a vampire bites you during sex the orgasm will blow the top of your head off. Its worth the risk that they get carried away and take a bit too much.
Second choice would be shifters (as I prefer to call werewolves). But werecats are pretty hot too. But no sex while shifted. That’s just icky. Unless you both shift I suppose then its “natural”.
David: You are too funny.
And I’m ignoring Coty in case I feel compelled to kick his ass.
Coty: I almost added Harpy to the list, but figured that’s the same thing. Just kidding Tam!
David: So funny! Wish I thought of the bareback joke!
Tam: I knew you’d have some good input today!
Coty and Craig: I noticed the lack of women and thought of making a merman joke about at least smelling fishy, but I thought that would be in bad taste.
David: LOL! Rest my drink and ride bareback!
Craig: Very funny post! I think I would have to choose a werewolf. Human most of the month, plus being the control freak that I tend to be, I can totally get into the training: Sit, Down, give me your paw.
Tam: Women are totally mystical, you tell me what other creature can bleed so much and not die. (Is that a plane from Canada I hear landing?)
“But when it’s 4:00 AM and you have work in the morning, you’ll be begging them to finish up and go to bed.”
Oh, for such problems!!
I’ll go for the Centaur though, I’ve got strong shoulders.
Yeah, I could have just stopped at the first one. Look at those abs! Plus, I’m a Sagittarius and my perfect type would be another Sag.
However, I do love mermaids since my favorite Disney movie is The Little Mermaid after all.
And I don’t understand the Circus reference. Please explain so I know whether to be angry or pleased with you.
Craig: This was absolutely brilliant!! Funny funny funny. I totally laughed at “hooha”.
David: Hilarious.
john: Tam’s totally gonna kick your sorry ass. (but the bleed-so-much-and-not-die comment was truly funny). What, Tam? I didn’t say anything…
I’d have to go with a Centaur. You’d just have to hope to hell he’s not versatile…
I feel dirtier for reading this.
John: Ooooooh, I think today I’m going to have to defend the FAIRER sex more than usual.
As for mermaids/mermen. I read a book once where they had an … ummm, slit? where things protruded when the need arose, oh and it arose and arose and arose.
But they were also shifters so water sex was not that frequent. Mind you, he wasn’t ever a bottom in the water so not sure there was a second opening. He also had a frill on his penis (think frilled lizard) which I thought sounded painful as hell but everyone seemed to like it. Sigh. Damn, I read weird shit.
I’m going to have to go with Faun – I have yet to get over how adorable James McAvoy was in Narnia.
Enrico said: “And I don’t understand the Circus reference. Please explain so I know whether to be angry or pleased with you.”
Mark says: “And I don’t understand the White Trash reference. Please explain so I know whether to be angry or pleased with you.”
I can’t get rid of the El Camino in the front yard. I’m gonna fix it up one day.
Mark: I’m killing myself. You’re funny.
john: You forgot beg!
Mark: LOL @ “Oh, for such problems!!”
Enrico: The Circus reference was a compliment to Britney! I just meant that her new CD heralded a better Britney than we were seeing a year ago.
Dave S: It took me forever to settle on the term hooha.
GoKitty: Then I have succeeded!
Dancer in DC: Agreed! Loved him!
Tam: “frill on his penis” = vomit; “I read weird shit” = LOL
Tam: A frill on his penis sounds better than what I’ve heard male cats have. I’ll take a frill over tiny barbs anyday.
And any guy with a frilled penis is definitely gay!
Tam: Personally, I don’t think I’d like my penis to look like an anemone…
Mark: He was bi. Umm, do I confess to reading the book about the guy with lion DNA who had a barb? A big one? Again, I thought it sounded painful but she didn’t mind (he was straight). I’ll shut up now about my reading material before I totally freak someone out.
Tam: I hope these aren’t bedtime stories you’ve read to your daughter…
“Look at the Merman with his frilly penis.
Go, frilly penis, go!”
Umm…yeah…
Dave: Hey, I may be a fairly laid back parent but I have some morals, a few anyway. Those were MY bedtime stories.
LMAO @ Tam and going back to bed. Ahhh, Sleep! Luv You Guys!
While the merman might be the most fun, I’d have to pass on him since 1. I’m not into chasing tail. and 2. I would drown.
I’m all for the werewolf. I just finished watching a British series called “Being Human” that revolved around a vampire and a werewolf, so I have werewolf on the mind. Besides, a sensual delousing once a month might be fun.
Mark: Sleep well, may your dreams be full of centaurs and frilled penises (peni? what the hell is the plural?).
Tam: I think it’s penises, because the other is when you’re about to urinate. Oh, wait, that’s pee nigh…
See this is what happens when I sleep in late…everyone else makes the great comments I was gonna make!
All I’ll say is, the centaur looks pretty hot, and I too got all hubba hubba over him when I see him. But I think I’d have to take the fauns, cause like someone mentioned, they might look like James McAvoy!! suh-weet!
Unless the merman had an upper body like Michael Phelps…but with a cute face.
Nice to have Dave S. back and commenting by the way.
HUGS…
Polt: LOL to “…but with a cute face.”
Phelps is just a homely guy… 
Fauns would be fun: wild orgiastic revellers with permanent erections, following the music without a care. Actually, they’d probably leave you at the first mention of circut party (with the lamé covered merman, no doubt).
FDot: Wouldn’t it be hard to choose between the sexy vampire with a whispered brogue and the sweet, adorable werewolf?
Craig: Can you fill us in on these chains in you basement? Many werewolves on Long Island? Nod nod wink wink.
Hey, wouldn’t a female werewolf have, like, eight mams instead of just two?
Because then I’d date one.
Craig: I know! What was I thinking, beg would have to be one of the first lessons. And given the nature of this post “roll over”.
Polt: “But with a cute face” even if he did look like Phelps, would you really turn him down? I’m sure you have a paper bag somewhere.
Tam: You do have some “interesting” reading habits. Frilled makes no sense to me, seems like it might get in the way and be prone to tearing.
John: The logic? Holds you tight while the swimmers do their thing, no leakage. *shrug* They were aliens. (oh god, that sounds even worse, alien mermen)
Tam: Alright, you just took all the romance out of it…
LOL at all of you. This is a great conversation here.
Craig: Alright, I thought that’s what you meant. BUT you imply she used to be trashy so you still get one angry glare >: |
And watching that Old Spice commercial made the centaur lose some points. But if he keeps his mouth shut, he’d still be my choice.
I totally love the comments today! Y’all are some of the weirdest, most perverted, and shameless people I know. I love you all.
Tam: are you reading the Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter novels by Laurell K Hamilton? The first few books were great, but after that they got so hot and heavy into the lycanthropic/vampiric sex I had to stop, but it sounds like it would be right up your alley
FDot: I have been watching the bootleg episodes of “Being Human” on youtube (BBC America isn’t carrying it yet) and I totally love George! I would definitely make him howl at the moon, nudge, nudge.
What? No one made the “one eyed monster” comment about the cyclops?
In general I would go for a vampire myself, they stay up all night, I enjoy a little nibble on the neck now and again, plus when you, um, finish it is supposed to blow your mind!
I think Tam needs to do a guest post about all the effed up creatures bumping uglies in the books she’s reading. Who’s with me?
Craig: I second the motion! That would be a great post, and I may or may not use the material for some role playing later… I can see it now; “honey, why do you have a frill glued to your hooha? And what the hell is up with the aquarium?” Hmmm, on second thought maybe not.
Nico: No, I never got into Anita Blake and I’ve heard it has really gone downhill. I mean I’m all for some hot vampire action but there has to be a story to it as well, not just chapter after chapter of random sex. I do have some standards.
See and even you knew about the vampiric big O.
Hey, someone has to read that stuff, guess its me. But really, alien mermen were the weirdest, although the fact that I don’t find faires, valkyries, werecats, vampires and guys with lion DNA enhanced members all that weird says something about me. I’m not sure its saying something good though.
Tam: He knew about the mind blowing Big O from your earlier comment….I think you and Craig should do a guest debate about the best imaginary creature action.
Enrico: “You imply she used to be trashy” Craig didn’t imply that, she *actually was* trashy, Craig just said it. And don’t get all angry, we all make mistakes and she seems to have gotten her act together.
Since finding this year’s true-love forever fling, I have woken up with that One Eye monster attempting to probe me before the first cup of coffee more times than I care to share. Good thing I don’t drink coffee.
All my previous partners have been fairies.
As hot as Scott Bailey is in the Old Spice commercials, I’d stick to the vampires. “Oh no! I got an STD… eternal life!” Better perpetual youth than genital warts.
Great post! Very funny! The Centaur probably didn’t want Craig to top him because he was intimidated by his previously mentioned massive endowment.
. I would go for the vampire. I am a sucker for well dressed men! Being mysterious and powerfull is a nice bonus.
Chris: “I am a sucker for well dressed men!” I’m sure they’ll appreciate that skill-set. *snicker*
I’m just glad that I’m not the only one oddly turned on by the old spice commercials.
I’m going to have to agree. I’ve had many an inappropriate thought during the old spice commercials.
Okay I just youtube’d that commercial and I have two things to say:
That was a hot man, and they had a really cute bathroom floor.
Craig – “I almost added Harpy to the list”. Ha, ha, ha. Wait a minute…
Loved the depth perception comment.
I see trolls didn’t make the list. I’ve dated a few of those in my time.
Tam: “I am a sucker for well dressed men!” I’m sure they’ll appreciate that skill-set. *snicker* LOL!!! Where’s my suit?
Craig: I can’t believe it has taken me all day to comment on hubba-bubba. That totally made me laugh.
Coty: I had to search for the commercial, just to see the floor. It’s ok.
Mark: I had missed “I have strong shoulders.” *shudders*
john: I dont think I’d need a bag to do Phelps, cause with abs like that, its not as if I’m gonna be looking up at his face.
HUGS…
john: I like blue and white together. It goes well with horse and man.
Yes! Tam should do a guest post of any variety actually. She’s great at them : )
*ignores John’s comment*
Jere: But what if you’re a vampire that gets an incurable STD? Then you have to deal with it FOREVER.
Ugh. The end of my workday’s been a bitch. Can I get that Centaur to kick the shit out of a vendor?
Enrico Enrico Enrico: Magical creatures (vampires, werewolves, angels, demons, mermen, etc.) are immune to human viruses/disease, therefore they can bareback all they like (along with David and his centaur). And if you have a disease but are turned by one of said creatures then your disease is magically cured. Common plot device to deal with the whole condoms in the supernatural issue. (thanks for the compliment)
Oh wait, another one I read had built in boy lubrication. Dragon shifters that was. Handy, to say the least, no need to be searching in the woods for lube. And they were in the woods a lot.