Wormholes are common and often bring unsuspecting victims from the past into the future. It is the goal of this guide to give those poor fools a fighting chance in the cruel and unforgiving world of the future.
–Culcari Proverb
By the mid-twenty-fifth century the sports industry experienced a major decline. Steroid use was running rampant and testicular shrinkage had a severely negative impact on the reproductivity of athletes around the world. In a sense, athleticism was bred out of the human genome. Not only did this cause the crash of the sports industry, but it was also a major contributing factor to the success of the Culcari (May They take pleasure in peeling our skin, as a child does paste from their fingers) invasion of 2681. Just as they are incapable of throwing a ball, nerds are unsuited to fight eight foot tall lizard people.
The sports industry tried to persevere through the shortage of athletes, however ticket sales to all major sporting events declined steadily due to the lack of excitement during games. Inversely, game times increased exponentially due to zero-zero tied game scores and extended overtime, extra innings, and sudden death instances. Currently the longest game on record is a professional dodgeball game that lasted 3 days, 15 hours, and 48 minutes, and only ended in a deadlock when anxiety attacks crippled all members of both teams. There is also word of a WNBA match that lasted over 4 days, however this cannot be confirmed because there were no witnesses.
In an attempt to revitalize the sports industry — and thin the masses — our Culcari Overlords (May our hairs never get caught on Their tongues) created the Planetary Gladiatorial League, pitting Culcari Warriors against Human Infidels. Matches were held in large arenas to roaring crowds of Culcari and televised worldwide. Due to the reclassification of Infidels as viruses, the Culcari gladiators were often referred to as Doctors, many using the catchphrase “Can you smell what the Doc is cooking?” It was later discovered that interplanetary transmissions of The Scorpion King reached the Culcari homeworld in 2573 where they quickly became rabid Dwayne Johnson fans. It is rumored that their disappointment upon hearing of his death hundreds of years prior to their arrival on Earth is what spurred their hatred of Infidels. Mr. Johnson’s agents were unavailable for comment.
Craig, nice twist to bring sports into the sci-fi world. Would like to see this made into a bigger piece!
“In a sense, athleticism was bred out of the human genome.” So I guess Darwin’s research is being ignored here? : P
Nice edition, especially the part about the WNBA match! haha.
The steroid bit was fantastic. Great twist.
Too funny. The WNBA reference was great.
I’m trying to decide if I want to fork over the moolah to go to an NBA game tomorrow night. Cheap seats are all gone. Hmmmm. I’m not a basketball fan but its something different and different is good sometimes.
Tam: Just fork over the moolah and see Britney on tour. That’s different for you
Enrico: A coworker of mine just told me she went to see Britney last Friday in NJ. She said it was a very entertaining. She loved the costumes and the dancing.
My sister went to the Britney concert and loved it.
Enrico: Same night, wrong city. And I think those tickets are a little out of my league.
Enrico: I’m not trying to start a flame war, but what is the appeal? I don’t hate Britney, and have a few of her songs, but I’m a little confused by the level of attention she receives (both positive and negative). Why do you like her?
How do you find the time to work, spend time with your family, watch totally sucky movies, then watch TV shows that no one has heard of, and yet you find the time to come up with completely genius posts like this.
I’m being serious, your brain must work in overdrive.
Hilarious, I don’t know how you do it. Luv Ya!
Three of the more entertaining paragraphs that I have read in a while!
I imagine all sports will eventually collapse into each other, like a gigantic game of Calvinball.
John: I must admit that I’m a lover of comebacks. That’s def part of Brit’s current appeal. Otherwise, I simply like her music! I know she doesn’t write all (most) of it and has probably zero input on the production/music aspect of her career, but I just think her music is fun to listen to. And when she was in her prime, she was a great dancer and performer in general. Her performances were fun to watch! And now seeing her get back to that is a great thing and I’m excited for her. And that relates to my general interest in the world of celebrities and how people are manipulated and all that.
And just so you know…. I know I mention her a lot, but she’s not my favorite singer or anything. My number one favorite singer is Leona Naess (I know, no one’s ever heard of her!) but Brit’s music is just fun to sing and dance to!
Wait a minute. Don’t children peel glue from their fingers and eat paste? Or is it eat paste and sniff glue…
I miss Calvinball. That and his snowman stories.
Michelle M.: Ooo, sniffing glue bad. Causes big holes in your brain. Eating paste, however, is pretty good. Adds some flavor to Saltines.
Enrico: I’m all for entertainment and being lover of comebacks. I always say that you should never have to justify your musical tastes. Thanks for satisfying my Britney curiosity. Like I said, don’t hate her and can recognize she can dance, I just didn’t get the whole thing.
I wonder how the Culcari Overlords (may our shrieks of pain and anguish be the lullabies for their most precious progeny) feel about music? (insert hint here)
OK you Britney fans, what are some good songs that are safe for the younger set? I’ve been playing the SpongeBob version of Britney’s “Hit Me Baby” for the youngsters as a treat for getting ready quickly in the morning, but recently on a whim showed them Britney’s actual video of it (circa 2003) and now it’s all my 5 1/2 year old wants to watch. Anything he can branch out to?
“Oops I Did it Again” and “Stronger” are definitely safe but still fun for the youngins.
There are some songs from her first album that are kid friendly:
Soda Pop, I Will Be There and The Beat Goes On (A Sonny and Cher cover). I don’t know it here are videos for these – Enrico?
::SCRAMBLE 4325 INITIATED::
::CULCARI PRIME CONNECTION ESTABLISHED::
::BEGIN TRANSMISSION::
>> Infidel john, bow and speak.
<> What word have you?
<> Project Punt Puntabulous is running smoothly?
<> I know not of these bunnies you speak. Be they a weapon of considerable destruction?
<> Continue with your operation, infidel. May these pellet-spewing weapons serve you well.
::END TRANSMISSION::
::SCRAMBLE DISENGAGED::
::SCRAMBLE 4325 INITIATED::
::CULCARI PRIME CONNECTION ESTABLISHED::
::BEGIN TRANSMISSION::
– Infidel john, bow and speak.
++ Oh, great and wonderful Overlord…May my body hair serve as the parsley in your potatoes.
– What word have you?
++ The conversion of infidel Craig is at hand…May you pierce my eye as the olive in your martini.
– Project Punt Puntabulous is running smoothly?
++ Yes my Overlord…May my ears serve as the clam shell of your oysters. Infidel Craig believes I am a harmless lover of bunnies.
– I know not of these bunnies you speak. Be they a weapon of considerable destruction?
++ Um…more like just leavers of crumbly pellets…May my spleen serve as sac of your enema.
– Continue with your operation, infidel. May these pellet-spewing weapons serve you well.
::END TRANSMISSION::
::SCRAMBLE DISENGAGED::
Thanks! (Oh, and apologies for not even mentioning the post, which made me laugh. Though I’ll probably be punished in the future for that.)
Hilarious, Craig!! Absolutely hilarious. Like Tam, I loved the WNBA comment. Funny funny funny.
No video for those Michelle M. I would recommend the awful “E-mail My Heart” only because it’s hilariously bad.
But seriously, I think “Oops” and “Stronger” are good choices, as well as basically the whole first album.
I’m just slowly coming to terms with the idea that my children might grow up to have different musical tastes than my own.
Sigh. It’s so effing hilarious when you type it and read it, but I still can’t hold that thought in my head. Gah.
I have this lingering fear that our Culcari Overlords (May they use my pony tail as earplugs if they desire) are really into Petula Clark, and are horribly disappointed in my lack of muttonchops. (You go, Englebert!)
Brilliant Dave.
TwoPi: I’m actually finding my daughter and I kind of have similar tastes, she’s grown past the bubblegum pop stage and while we’re not musical twins, we share some and can appreciate the other. Once your kids are older it will probably improve. I’m just so freaking glad the days of Raffi and Barney are only a distant memory.
I should be so lucky to be identified by the Culcari Overlords (may my intestines make entertaining jump ropes for their children’s delight) to assist them in their goals. However, I think someone hasn’t read their Guides to Surviving the Future very well or they would know that the human virus is not worthy to even dare think they could assist the mighty Culcari (may our blood help to keep their scales supple).
And for the record, bunnies are more than just poop machines. They wield the ultimate power of cute.
TwoPi: Is it wrong that I own a Petula Clark cd?
john: I have nothing against Petula Clark, and I rather like that song. I miss the days when pop music had good melodies to it, and songs anyone could sing or hum as they went about their day. (The clothes and hairstyles in those videos, though… I often wonder how Western Culture survived the late sixties and early seventies.)
After giving this more thought, I suspect the Culcari (May their attendance at AIG board meetings bring great changes for our unworthy planet) are big GWAR fans. If they aren’t GWAR themselves.