So you’re living in the big city, working at the job you love, but you make crap money and need to make a drastic change. Either you start pimping yourself out on the streets for extra money, or cut costs by getting a roommate. Unfortunately STDs have taken all the fun out of the sex industry, so you throw up a wall in your apartment and BAM, your tiny one bedroom apartment is now an even tinier two bedroom apartment. But you still need to find a roommate and your only choices appear to be cartoon characters and you don’t know which one to choose:
CARTOON CHARACTER: Velma Dinkley
REASON FOR NEEDING AN APARTMENT: Tired of being the brains behind the Scooby Gang without earning any of the fame of her prettier, more media friendly partners, Velma decided it was time for a little plastic enhancement. But after some serious complications the surgery only made things worse, and she fled the finger pointing her small town life brought to seek solace amongst the other mutants of the big city.
PROS: She successfully accused the crotchety old neighbor downstairs (who’s constantly banging on his ceiling with a broom) of running a haunted amusement park embezzlement scheme, and he has since been detained for 15-20 years.
CONS: You constantly need to help her find her glasses.
CARTOON CHARACTER: Pidge
REASON FOR NEEDING AN APARTMENT: Forced into the world of galactic armed forces by his overbearing parents who wished to live out their own selfish fantasies, Pidge truly longed to work in the fashion industry. Unsatisfied combining his love of fashion with his career in the galactic armed forces by being the only member of the Voltron Force to wear a uniform that matched the color of their Lion, Pidge left the Voltron Force and moved to the big city hoping to become the next Christian Siriano.
PROS: Since he has not reached puberty yet, Pidge still considers girls icky (which is unlikely to change with the onset of puberty) so you don’t have to worry about late night houseguests.
CONS: Has the unfortunate tendency to sneak into beds and clutch the left arm of unsuspecting sleepers during his war night terrors.
CARTOON CHARACTER: Wile E. Coyote
REASON FOR NEEDING AN APARTMENT: After years of not being able to catch the elusive Road Runner, Wile E. Coyote swore off all animal products and embraced the vegan lifestyle. Along with this vegan lifestyle naturally came liberal political leanings and a general sense of elitism, so he decided to take residence in the most elite place he could think of, the big city. Since an elite personality doesn’t necessarily come with an elite paycheck, he needed to find a cheap room in a less than savory part of town.
PROS: Tofutti Cuties are surprisingly delicious.
CONS: Makes snide remarks anytime you eat an animal product, especially poultry.
CARTOON CHARACTER: Soundwave
REASON FOR NEEDING AN APARTMENT: Tired of constantly playing the Smithers to Megatron’s Mr. Burns, Soundwave left the Decepticons in the hopes of turning his life around for good and joining the Autobots. He was quickly hired by Optimus Prime who subsequently had to let Blaster go since two communications officers would not be needed, and Soundwave had the cooler Cassettrons. Unfortunately for Soundwave, Blaster filed a wrongful termination based on racial bias suit against the Autobots and was rehired. Soundwave was quickly out of a job and hoped to make a fresh start in the big city.
PROS: Can provide a stereo in the event of a global iPod crisis.
CONS: His pets aren’t housebroken and yet coincidentally have a tendency to break your house.
CARTOON CHARACTER: Squidward
REASON FOR NEEDING AN APARTMENT: A recent archaeological expedition stumbled upon his moai home, and returned it back to Easter Island. Spongebob and Patrick gladly opened up their homes to Squidward who vehemently refused and chose a slow and painful death in the water sparse big city.
PROS: He’s a neat freak so you don’t have to worry about cleaning up after his tentacleprints.
CONS: Squidward can’t hide from Spongebob forever, and when you have Spongebob as a houseguest you realize he’s much more annoying in person than he is on TV.
CARTOON CHARACTER: Judy Jetson
REASON FOR NEEDING AN APARTMENT: Wanting to prove herself as a modern, independent woman of the future, Judy left the Jetson household and moved to the big city hoping to catch her big break as America’s Next Top Model. Unfortunately Tyra sent her packing at the first elimination since Judy could not grasp the concept of a catwalk that didn’t move on its own.
PROS: Has met Miss. J.
CONS: Is completely useless when it comes to basic household tasks.
CARTOON CHARACTER: Dr. Zoidberg
REASON FOR NEEDING AN APARTMENT: When Dr. Zoidberg admits to being a doctor only to the same degree as Katherine Heigl and Annie Sprinkle, he decides to go legitimate and earn his GED before moving to the big city and beginning medical school. Luckily NYU needed to fulfill their space alien affirmative action requirement after Mary Kate dropped out.
PROS: He has no hair to forget to clean out of the shower drain. Also, his molted shell is great for playing Robocop.
CONS: Is perplexed by the human body and tries to dissect you in your sleep.
CARTOON CHARACTER: Smurfette
REASON FOR NEEDING AN APARTMENT: After years of watching reruns of Sex and the City on TBS, Smurfette decided it was time to get away from her male dominated village and go to the big city and gain some female friends. Her shock upon hearing people use words like “fuck” instead of “bang” was almost enough to send her crying back into the tender arms of Handy Smurf, but she persevered.
PROS: Screw the wall, you can set up an empty shoe box in the kitchen for her.
CONS: The transition from sweet smurfy living to the down and dirty streets of the big city has not been kind on poor Smurfette. She’s like a kid in a candy store, who’s never had candy before and gets a stomach ache from eating too much. But in this metaphor “candy” equals “sex” and “stomach ache” equals “gonorrhea”.
SO WHAT DO YOU SAY? WHICH ONE IS YOUR NEW ROOMMATE?
OMG You forgot to make a cartoon version of you, because that is TOTALLY who I want as my new roommate. Can I please keep you?
Your Mary Kate reference was brilliant.
My rationale:
Pidge: who the hell is Pidge and I’ve already raised one kid, don’t need another one.
Wile E: I couldn’t live with a vegan and you know sooner or later he’s going to blow up something and your damage deposit is history.
Soundwave: Takes up too much space and loud.
Squidward: One word – funsucker
Judy: She’s spinny and come on, everyone knows she’s a slut too. I’d have to install a revolving door.
Dr. Zoidberg: Space issue again, he looks too big and that dissection issue is not good.
So I’m left with a choice between Velma and Smurfette. Granted Smurfette would take up less space but I don’t have enough accumulated leave to be holding her hand down at the free clinic every other week. So I think I’ll go with Velma and convince her to save some money and get Lasik so we can ditch the glasses. And since her life is even more lame than mine, it would make me feel good about myself.
Dr. Zoidberg! If only to see him to the Zoidberg shuffle in person.
I’d have to take Pidge. Not for the under-agedness of him (HONESTLY) but because that might a way for me to get closer to that dreamy teammate of his Keith. I can fit two people in my small bed in my half bedroom!
HUGS….
Well I didn’t know Pidge had a dreamy team mate. Guess I need to research more. Sleepovers can be fun.
LOL at Mary Kate, elitism, catwalk not moving on it’s own and Smurfette watching SATC (she totally would).
My choice is Judy Jetson all the way! I love her anyway and the con (doesn’t do chores) isn’t a big deal to me — if it’s a tiny apartment, I don’t mind cleaning it up.
If we were roommates, we’d TOTALLY do duets of “You and Me” from The Jetsons Movie in our spare time.
Judy Jetson is hot! She is all mine!
So wait, Vagina Girl isn’t an option? Crap.
Can’t I go with fantastical creatures instead? I still want the centaur.
http://puntabulous.com/2009/03/16/a-guide-to-getting-it-on-with-fantastical-creatures/
David: Try this. Might broaden your horizons. http://reviewsbyjessewave.blogspot.com/2009/04/tams-guide-to-sex-with-paranormals.html Craig posted it yesterday and I don’t know how to do that cool “make it smaller” thing.
Pidge looks like a younger version of Velma to me. Jinkies.
I pick Stewie. Because he amuses me so.
And because Evolving took my first pick.
This whole topic and post is hilarious! How do you come up with these things?.”:)
I’d have to go outside of tv cartoon characters, maybe
Wall-E because he’d be able to clean up all my messes and cheer me up by playing Hello Dolly
or maybe Aurora because she’d attact cute guys and when they find out that all she does is sleep all day, I’d start to look good.
Most likely though..
Rhino from Bolt. He doesn’t take up much space, has his own ball and would be great for my ego, constantly telling me how :”totally awesome” I am.
Crap. That link of mine is totally NSFW. So be careful and some of you may not even be able to open it. I forget sometimes. Sorry.
I would have to pick Peter Griffin. His shenanigans would keep me totally amused.
She-Ra.
Heh, I’m surprised you didn’t bust out the “jinkie se quoi ” line for this entry, Craig
I think I’d go with Pidge to borrow his tiger thing :p
Judy Jetson is a fox! I’d keep it as a one bedroom…
Oh man, I forgot all about “jinkie se quoi”. Had I remembered, I totally would have used it a third time for the hat trick.
I’m afraid I’d have to go with Pinky and the Brain. Mostly because it’s nice to have roommates who share your interests (taking over the world).
I’d have to pick Velma. She seems like she’d be handy for solving the Mystery of the Broken Dishwasher, or the the Quest for the Missing Key.
Jere: Are you pondering what I’m pondering?
Totally Velma, you know she is rocking the hot librarian under that big orange sweater and will work harder for it than Judy Jetson would. She’d do a55 to mouth.
I *love*, oh sorry, I less than three that you included Zoidberg! I just wouldn’t choose him for fear that I would have to fight him off with my own severed arm. Also, I totally thought you were going to say he was only as real a doctor as Katehrine Heigl is an actress.
Did john just say ass to mouth? Oh my.
john is back with a vengeance.
Good thinking, Xi_Heather!
I thought that was a little less offensive than saying she’d do anal. Guess my sense was a little off.
Velma hangs out with a pretty strange crowd. Pidge belongs back in his parents’ basement [or are they in a supermax prison, being punished for giving a child that name?] Wiles could be fun: imaging what gags he’d work up for Halloween! Letting Soundwave move in sounds like a quick path to eviction. Squidward would be way annoying with that clarinet of his. Judy is bad news — divorcee on the rebound? No thanks. Smurfette gets ruled out by the “Ends in -ette” rule.
Zoidberg it is! Seems he’d be quite good at helping out with yard work, pruning bushes and such.
I think I would choose Velma (I didn’t know her last name until this post). I think I could have intellectually stimulating conversations with her. I like that. I don’t mind if she isn’t cool. At least she would be unlikely to want to have loud parties at our place. I could get her Croakies for her glasses.
I have been resisting the temptation to get a twitter account. Hmm…
John – I think so, but how would we get the jello out of the tub afterward?
Jere: I’m not sure, I’m still wondering how we get the monkey in the leiderhosen?
Jere, john, you guys are hiLARious!!!!
HUGS…
Well it is Velma all the way I really dig Velma almost al my life man.