So you’re living in the big city, working at the job you love, but you make crap money and need to make a drastic change. Either you start pimping yourself out on the streets for extra money, or cut costs by getting a roommate. Unfortunately STDs have taken all the fun out of the sex industry, so you throw up a wall in your apartment and BAM, your tiny one bedroom apartment is now an even tinier two bedroom apartment. But you still need to find a roommate and your only choices appear to be cartoon characters and you don’t know which one to choose:
CARTOON CHARACTER: Velma Dinkley
REASON FOR NEEDING AN APARTMENT: Tired of being the brains behind the Scooby Gang without earning any of the fame of her prettier, more media friendly partners, Velma decided it was time for a little plastic enhancement. But after some serious complications the surgery only made things worse, and she fled the finger pointing her small town life brought to seek solace amongst the other mutants of the big city.
PROS: She successfully accused the crotchety old neighbor downstairs (who’s constantly banging on his ceiling with a broom) of running a haunted amusement park embezzlement scheme, and he has since been detained for 15-20 years.
CONS: You constantly need to help her find her glasses.
CARTOON CHARACTER: Pidge
REASON FOR NEEDING AN APARTMENT: Forced into the world of galactic armed forces by his overbearing parents who wished to live out their own selfish fantasies, Pidge truly longed to work in the fashion industry. Unsatisfied combining his love of fashion with his career in the galactic armed forces by being the only member of the Voltron Force to wear a uniform that matched the color of their Lion, Pidge left the Voltron Force and moved to the big city hoping to become the next Christian Siriano.
PROS: Since he has not reached puberty yet, Pidge still considers girls icky (which is unlikely to change with the onset of puberty) so you don’t have to worry about late night houseguests.
CONS: Has the unfortunate tendency to sneak into beds and clutch the left arm of unsuspecting sleepers during his war night terrors.
CARTOON CHARACTER: Wile E. Coyote
REASON FOR NEEDING AN APARTMENT: After years of not being able to catch the elusive Road Runner, Wile E. Coyote swore off all animal products and embraced the vegan lifestyle. Along with this vegan lifestyle naturally came liberal political leanings and a general sense of elitism, so he decided to take residence in the most elite place he could think of, the big city. Since an elite personality doesn’t necessarily come with an elite paycheck, he needed to find a cheap room in a less than savory part of town.
PROS: Tofutti Cuties are surprisingly delicious.
CONS: Makes snide remarks anytime you eat an animal product, especially poultry.
CARTOON CHARACTER: Soundwave
REASON FOR NEEDING AN APARTMENT: Tired of constantly playing the Smithers to Megatron’s Mr. Burns, Soundwave left the Decepticons in the hopes of turning his life around for good and joining the Autobots. He was quickly hired by Optimus Prime who subsequently had to let Blaster go since two communications officers would not be needed, and Soundwave had the cooler Cassettrons. Unfortunately for Soundwave, Blaster filed a wrongful termination based on racial bias suit against the Autobots and was rehired. Soundwave was quickly out of a job and hoped to make a fresh start in the big city.
PROS: Can provide a stereo in the event of a global iPod crisis.
CONS: His pets aren’t housebroken and yet coincidentally have a tendency to break your house.
CARTOON CHARACTER: Squidward
REASON FOR NEEDING AN APARTMENT: A recent archaeological expedition stumbled upon his moai home, and returned it back to Easter Island. Spongebob and Patrick gladly opened up their homes to Squidward who vehemently refused and chose a slow and painful death in the water sparse big city.
PROS: He’s a neat freak so you don’t have to worry about cleaning up after his tentacleprints.
CONS: Squidward can’t hide from Spongebob forever, and when you have Spongebob as a houseguest you realize he’s much more annoying in person than he is on TV.
CARTOON CHARACTER: Judy Jetson
REASON FOR NEEDING AN APARTMENT: Wanting to prove herself as a modern, independent woman of the future, Judy left the Jetson household and moved to the big city hoping to catch her big break as America’s Next Top Model. Unfortunately Tyra sent her packing at the first elimination since Judy could not grasp the concept of a catwalk that didn’t move on its own.
PROS: Has met Miss. J.
CONS: Is completely useless when it comes to basic household tasks.
CARTOON CHARACTER: Dr. Zoidberg
REASON FOR NEEDING AN APARTMENT: When Dr. Zoidberg admits to being a doctor only to the same degree as Katherine Heigl and Annie Sprinkle, he decides to go legitimate and earn his GED before moving to the big city and beginning medical school. Luckily NYU needed to fulfill their space alien affirmative action requirement after Mary Kate dropped out.
PROS: He has no hair to forget to clean out of the shower drain. Also, his molted shell is great for playing Robocop.
CONS: Is perplexed by the human body and tries to dissect you in your sleep.
CARTOON CHARACTER: Smurfette
REASON FOR NEEDING AN APARTMENT: After years of watching reruns of Sex and the City on TBS, Smurfette decided it was time to get away from her male dominated village and go to the big city and gain some female friends. Her shock upon hearing people use words like “fuck” instead of “bang” was almost enough to send her crying back into the tender arms of Handy Smurf, but she persevered.
PROS: Screw the wall, you can set up an empty shoe box in the kitchen for her.
CONS: The transition from sweet smurfy living to the down and dirty streets of the big city has not been kind on poor Smurfette. She’s like a kid in a candy store, who’s never had candy before and gets a stomach ache from eating too much. But in this metaphor “candy” equals “sex” and “stomach ache” equals “gonorrhea”.
SO WHAT DO YOU SAY? WHICH ONE IS YOUR NEW ROOMMATE?
