The final guest post for my trip out to San Francisco comes from the marvelous Tam, who is just as cool in person as she is online.
FIVE REASONS WHY CANADA IS COOL
1. Snow
Okay, this is but one reason Canada is literally cool, more like downright frigid. As much as I whine and bitch about snow and cold, it is pretty cool … when I’m inside with a roaring fire and my mostly-nekkid servant boy Juan is serving me strawberry daiquiris on the bear skin rug in front of the fireplace. Then, I LOVE it. Otherwise, not so much.
But nothing beats snow sparking in the moonlight on a crisp clear night, crunchy snow when it’s -40 and soft fluffy Christmas snow. And there are some amazing snow sports. Skeleton? 100 mph head first on a sled? Holy crap, that’s gotta be a rush! There is freestyle skiing, snowmobiling, snow boarding and assortment of other cooler than cool winter sports.
So while frostbite can be an issue, blizzards really aren’t all that fun and ice storms suck, snow is very very cool (I can’t believe I just said that) and Canada certainly doesn’t lack any.
2. Canadian Food
Yes, we have Canadian food, in general, it’s very unhealthy, and as a result totally delicious. Beaver Tails – mmmmm – fried dough covered in cinnamon sugar or maple butter. A classic meal at a Cabane à Sucre (Sugar Shack) – beans, fried pork rinds, pancakes and sausage, floating in maple syrup. Maple syrup itself. Canada produced 5 million gallons last year, that’s enough to … to … well, to keep you sticky for a lifetime. Poutine – ahhh, heart attack on a plate – french fries with cheese curds slathered in boiling gravy so the cheese gets all melty. Ooey gooey unhealthy goodness. And let’s not forget dessert; sugar pie, butter tarts and Nanaimo bars. I’d kill for a good Nanaimo bar. And to wash it all down there is ice wine, Canadian whiskey, Canadian beer and Tim Horton’s coffee.
So while Canadian cuisine may not win any style or health points, it will leave you purring like an overstuffed kitten in need of bypass surgery.
3. Talented Canadians
Canada seems to spawn no small number of talented people (all of whom defect to the US as soon as humanly possible) and a seemingly larger than average number of comedians. From the comic genius of John Candy to the embarrassment that is Tom Green. There are actors the likes of Captain Kirk and Scottie and then there is Pamela Anderson. Sigh. On the music scene, there is Alanis Morisette and … Celine Dion. I apologise for that, I truly do.
We remain proud of our exports despite their defection, save for the few examples noted and if you want them? They are yours. Free to a good home, kind of like unwanted puppies, cute but leaving a trail of crap in their wake.
4. Hockey
While hockey may not be Canada’s official sport (Lacrosse? WTF?), it is definitely Canada’s most popular sport and our national sport by default. Some have insisted that as a Canadian, it’s mandatory to like hockey and while not exactly true, it’s pretty close.
Hockey is rough and tough. Being body slammed into the boards by a 220 lb guy going full speed on skates hurts. The fights are legendary. There are special tools for scraping frozen blood off the ice. Perhaps I’m not quite selling the sport here. It’s exciting, its dynamic, and its non-stop action.
Canada rules the world stage in hockey. At the Olympics, our men have medaled 13 times out of 19 appearances; the World Junior team has won more medals than any other country including the Soviet Union and they’ve only missed the medal podium 4 times in the last 20 years and have taken the gold the last 5 years running.
But while hockey is rough and tough, don’t let that fool you; it’s not a sport just for the manly men. More and more Canadian girls are playing hockey and our women’s team is 3 for 3 including 2 golds and a silver at the Olympics. Quebec goalie Manon Rheaume was the first woman ever drafted by the Tampa Bay Lightning of the NHL in 1992 and Hailey Wickenheiser played for several professional men’s teams in Europe and was the first woman to score a goal in a men’s league professional game.
To most people: Hockey = Canada, and we’re okay with that.
5. The Beaver
Yes, I said it, the beaver. He may not be the most attractive animal in the world. He’s a little chubby at 12 inches tall and 60 lbs. and he does have a wicked overbite but he has a great personality. Beavers are called nature’s architects. Do you know how long you have to go to school to become an architect? Beavers come by it naturally. A beaver can stay under water for up to 15 min. That’s longer than Michael Phelps. A beaver can chew through a 6-inch tree in 20 min. Try that someday and see how it goes for you. And to top it off, talking beavers saved the Pevensie brats’ asses in Narnia. It wasn’t a talking eagle (Muppets anyone) or a talking kangaroo or a talking Chihuahua (those were different movies), it was the brave, loyal and industrious beaver. Did they resent those little shits for making them abandon their home and having it over-run by wolves? Nooooooo. They put themselves out for those kids and what did they get for their trouble? Nothin’! Ummm, okay, moving on.
On a bit more embarrassing note, the term beaver has become synonymous with female genitals. Wondrous though beavers are, I’m not sure they can really compare to the work of genius that is the vagina. Here is a small video explaining how this association came to be: CLICK HERE!
So while the mere fact that I am Canadian should be case enough for the coolness of our country, I think the above mentioned points merely reinforce the fact. I hope that those of you forced by unfortunate circumstances (such as birth) to live elsewhere will come and visit us soon and experience our amazingness first-hand. My door is always open.
You did it Polt. And yes, they do ROCK!!!!!
Dudley Do-Right and Ike Broflovski. Also Canadian.
Polt: You made me laugh out loud. What can I say, he did kind of have emo hair.
Quit adding freaking u’s to random words! They weren’t completely burned and actually tasted pretty good. They just cut off the dry edges.
Kris: Not the whole damn island, that hump in the middle. The one with tourists standing around it taking pictures. You’re just jealous you have no beaver tails. Who’s going to eat platypi tails. And why should I google when I have the expert on all things Aussie, aka you?
We’ve passed 100. Yay us!
OMG! Do I need to quit my job?? I got to work and there are 102 comments…..
I’ll read then later. lol.
Enrico: Baby, you came to my party.
Work is highly overrated.
Tam: Of corse, I’m jst jealos of yor beaver tails…. WTF is going on?! Ok, who’s stolen all my u’s??
Kris: Its that bugger Polt. He’ll steal the emo goth boys too if we don’t watch them closely.
All this blather about Canada is fine, but Patrick Huard, the 2nd most attractive man in the world, is, well, Canadian. If I’m the only person here who has seen the movie J’en suis, well, I’ll just eat a beaver. Or tail.
The 1st most attractive man in the world may or may not be from Long Island.
Robair: Let me get that beaver tail ready for you then. I really must see Bon Cop Bad Cop. I heard its really funny.
Tam: He did have emo hair…bad emo hair, mind you, but still he was cute. (oh, and as an aside, anyone having problems with the ‘hairthing’ definition, I’ve added a tutorial to my blog just for you!)
Enrickyricardo!!!! WE missed you, punkin! had to do all your commenting for you.
U’s and emo gothboys…yeppers, I’m a stealing them all!
Robair, I don’t know this Huard person is you speak of, but I definitely agree with you assessment on the MOST attractive (see the last Puntabulous post if there’s any confusion).
HUGS…
I spent a small fortune on car maintenance today. The upside is that it will be a while before I need much more than an oil change.
Great post Tam! One of my favorite things about my trips to Canada was St. Hubert ( http://www.st-hubert.com/ ). I love their food. The gravy was yummy.
I have been to Canada a number of times. My father sister and I drove around the Gaspe Peninsula and visited Prince Edward Island. I have been to Quebec City, and Montreal as well. It was nice, but I did not enjoy traveling with my family so much. One day I should do Canada again, with friends, for enjoyment. It might be nice to explore the central and western parts more. Alas, like John, I don’t travel well. Maybe one day I will…
Ryan: Hope no more repairs for a long time. One of the things I like about a new car is no repairs, although car payments are not so fun.
Chris: St. Hubert is pretty good. We seem to hit there when we are in Montreal. Traveling with family is usually less fun than friends. Western Canada is very beautiful. Far west, Manitoba and Saskatchewan not so much unless you like flatness and lots of it.
I loved the Anne of Green Gables books. And the filming locations in the series were beautiful. Another point for Canada.
Gah! There I go again, letting work get in the way of Puntabulous. I will be very happy once Hospital Week is over and I can get back to my normal life.
Tam: My wife’s family is from the Ottawa area.
The Ryan With The Cupcake: I am bummed, I didn’t get my daily random Zim quote! oh, and I hope the car thingy is all better now
Tam: I had some things replaced primarily because I wasn’t sure if the previous owner had replaced everything on schedule. I only drove about a mile to get home, but I noticed some differences.
M. Nicodemus: I just left you to your moosey fate.