The final guest post for my trip out to San Francisco comes from the marvelous Tam, who is just as cool in person as she is online.
FIVE REASONS WHY CANADA IS COOL
1. Snow
Okay, this is but one reason Canada is literally cool, more like downright frigid. As much as I whine and bitch about snow and cold, it is pretty cool … when I’m inside with a roaring fire and my mostly-nekkid servant boy Juan is serving me strawberry daiquiris on the bear skin rug in front of the fireplace. Then, I LOVE it. Otherwise, not so much.
But nothing beats snow sparking in the moonlight on a crisp clear night, crunchy snow when it’s -40 and soft fluffy Christmas snow. And there are some amazing snow sports. Skeleton? 100 mph head first on a sled? Holy crap, that’s gotta be a rush! There is freestyle skiing, snowmobiling, snow boarding and assortment of other cooler than cool winter sports.
So while frostbite can be an issue, blizzards really aren’t all that fun and ice storms suck, snow is very very cool (I can’t believe I just said that) and Canada certainly doesn’t lack any.
2. Canadian Food
Yes, we have Canadian food, in general, it’s very unhealthy, and as a result totally delicious. Beaver Tails – mmmmm – fried dough covered in cinnamon sugar or maple butter. A classic meal at a Cabane à Sucre (Sugar Shack) – beans, fried pork rinds, pancakes and sausage, floating in maple syrup. Maple syrup itself. Canada produced 5 million gallons last year, that’s enough to … to … well, to keep you sticky for a lifetime. Poutine – ahhh, heart attack on a plate – french fries with cheese curds slathered in boiling gravy so the cheese gets all melty. Ooey gooey unhealthy goodness. And let’s not forget dessert; sugar pie, butter tarts and Nanaimo bars. I’d kill for a good Nanaimo bar. And to wash it all down there is ice wine, Canadian whiskey, Canadian beer and Tim Horton’s coffee.
So while Canadian cuisine may not win any style or health points, it will leave you purring like an overstuffed kitten in need of bypass surgery.
3. Talented Canadians
Canada seems to spawn no small number of talented people (all of whom defect to the US as soon as humanly possible) and a seemingly larger than average number of comedians. From the comic genius of John Candy to the embarrassment that is Tom Green. There are actors the likes of Captain Kirk and Scottie and then there is Pamela Anderson. Sigh. On the music scene, there is Alanis Morisette and … Celine Dion. I apologise for that, I truly do.
We remain proud of our exports despite their defection, save for the few examples noted and if you want them? They are yours. Free to a good home, kind of like unwanted puppies, cute but leaving a trail of crap in their wake.
4. Hockey
While hockey may not be Canada’s official sport (Lacrosse? WTF?), it is definitely Canada’s most popular sport and our national sport by default. Some have insisted that as a Canadian, it’s mandatory to like hockey and while not exactly true, it’s pretty close.
Hockey is rough and tough. Being body slammed into the boards by a 220 lb guy going full speed on skates hurts. The fights are legendary. There are special tools for scraping frozen blood off the ice. Perhaps I’m not quite selling the sport here. It’s exciting, its dynamic, and its non-stop action.
Canada rules the world stage in hockey. At the Olympics, our men have medaled 13 times out of 19 appearances; the World Junior team has won more medals than any other country including the Soviet Union and they’ve only missed the medal podium 4 times in the last 20 years and have taken the gold the last 5 years running.
But while hockey is rough and tough, don’t let that fool you; it’s not a sport just for the manly men. More and more Canadian girls are playing hockey and our women’s team is 3 for 3 including 2 golds and a silver at the Olympics. Quebec goalie Manon Rheaume was the first woman ever drafted by the Tampa Bay Lightning of the NHL in 1992 and Hailey Wickenheiser played for several professional men’s teams in Europe and was the first woman to score a goal in a men’s league professional game.
To most people: Hockey = Canada, and we’re okay with that.
5. The Beaver
Yes, I said it, the beaver. He may not be the most attractive animal in the world. He’s a little chubby at 12 inches tall and 60 lbs. and he does have a wicked overbite but he has a great personality. Beavers are called nature’s architects. Do you know how long you have to go to school to become an architect? Beavers come by it naturally. A beaver can stay under water for up to 15 min. That’s longer than Michael Phelps. A beaver can chew through a 6-inch tree in 20 min. Try that someday and see how it goes for you. And to top it off, talking beavers saved the Pevensie brats’ asses in Narnia. It wasn’t a talking eagle (Muppets anyone) or a talking kangaroo or a talking Chihuahua (those were different movies), it was the brave, loyal and industrious beaver. Did they resent those little shits for making them abandon their home and having it over-run by wolves? Nooooooo. They put themselves out for those kids and what did they get for their trouble? Nothin’! Ummm, okay, moving on.
On a bit more embarrassing note, the term beaver has become synonymous with female genitals. Wondrous though beavers are, I’m not sure they can really compare to the work of genius that is the vagina. Here is a small video explaining how this association came to be: CLICK HERE!
So while the mere fact that I am Canadian should be case enough for the coolness of our country, I think the above mentioned points merely reinforce the fact. I hope that those of you forced by unfortunate circumstances (such as birth) to live elsewhere will come and visit us soon and experience our amazingness first-hand. My door is always open.
Tam: Mostly sleep issues. Sleep hates me and it is worse when I am away.
The Mrs. travels well. She can fall asleep anywhere and has enough Cruise Director Julie in her personality to be fun without being annoying. And, like you, she is travel sized for your convenience.
John: LOL Travel sized. Cute. Does help with the leg room on planes.
Tam: Like you, she is vertically challenged. She is about 5′ tall, she says she is 5’1″ but she lies. The funniest thing is folding her socks, they look like baby booties.
Polt & Tam: I appreciate the travel buddy offer, but the restrains on our travel aren’t my willingness. Paying for 2 Masters and an upcoming PhD are the big deterrents, that and time.
Polt: She wouldn’t mind, but satisfy my curiosity, why mid afternoon and 10PM? I get 10PM, but mid noon? Is it just afternoon delight or is it when people get out of work? Inquiring minds want to know.
I really want to contribute to this conversation, but I’ve never slept with an Asian, woke up beside a Canadian, or have a problem with insomnia.
I’m beginning to wonder if *I’m* the odd one…
And thanks everyone for the answer to my question yesterday about what songs would be best to strip to.
Lot’s of great stuff. Haven’t contributed yet? Email me at spike@spike300.com.
John: Anyone under 5’5″ lies. Its genetically encoded. Don’t be mocking the booties. School fees do have a way of sucking up the $$.
Dave: I didn’t answer because I have no clue. Sorry. Maybe something by Celine Dion or Bryan Adams in honour of my post. (Honour spelled the Canadian way.)
john: I KNOW, it kinda freaked me out how lucky I was during mid afternoon, say 3-7. Saturday night, barely anything; Tuesday 4:15 in the afternoon, beating them off with sticks (no sexual innuendo intended). Crazy! But I didn’t question it, I just went with it…and disappeared for a bit of time mid afternoon.
Travel-sized for you convience. hiLARious!
Or should that be hilaourious, for Tam?
HUGS…
Ooooooh. Don’t make me strangle you with an extra u and beat you with a zed.
Zed’s dead, Tam. Zed’s dead.
ZED! OhmiGOD, i can’t beliEVE I forgot to ask you about that when we were together! I SO wanted to debate…er, discuss that whole thing….but whatever….next time.
HUGS….
Don’t say the zed word.
Dave S.: Is it safe to assume you are over 5’5″
Oh, and Dave, not saying you aren’t odd, but I’ve never woken up next to an Asian or Canadian either. But don’t feel bad, we all have our own brand of odd.
Like, *no one* understands my comment?! Sheesh. I had higher hopes for you Puntabupeople…
Dave: Its vaguely ringing a bell but as it doesn’t appear to be part of the Canadian pop culture lexicon I am exempt from commenting.
John: The ultimate I suppose is an Asian Canadian, or perhaps one of each. Depends which way works for you.
Polt: Spell zoo. zee-o-o sounds dumb and looks like you are grimacing. Try it, sound it out and note the way your mouth has to move to go from ee to o. Zed-o-o sounds way cooler and is more efficient for the facial muscles. Because really, Canadians are thrifty.
Dave: I googled it. I’ve never seen that movie. Sorry. I’ll try harder next time.
Dave S.: Um *excuse* me. I guess we can add misunderstood emo to your personality traits too
Tam: Asian AND Canadian? I’m not sure I could handle it.
…sigh…
My incredible, unparalleled wit is wasted on you people…
Ya know, strangely, for everything I’ve said and done, I don’t believe I’ve ever woken up next to an Asian or a Canadian either. More the pity, eh?
HUGS…
Dave S.: We’re all kinda blinded by the abs, methinks. Wit? Knowledge? Intelllect? Sorry….looking at abs right now, go away.
HUGS…
Dave S.: Unparalleled is a word.
Not the word I would have chosen, but a word none the less.
Polt: You now have a goal for next the Toronto trip.
Those are 5 (6 if we include you) convincing reasons why Canada is cool.
Hockey is one of the few sports that doesn’t bore me to tears. Mr. M. plays both ice and inline and is watching a playoff game (recorded) as I type. And it is very romantic. The fights always seem to end up in hugging. And of course there is hooking, the world’s oldest penalty.
The only flag I fly is of the freak variety.
Michelle M.: So, does that make you the freak or Mr. M. the freak? by the way, the oldest penalty – LOL!
Oy, and how could we have overlooked Tam as a reason for Canada being awesome?!?!
Regarding Asian….here I am
John: Because its a lame reason? Yeah.
Michelle: What game is he watching? My daughter is having fits that Pittsburgh is this )( close to being out of it. I’ll have to deal with the ranting and raving tonight over bad calls and crappy commentating.
Samuel: Thanks for stepping up and taking one for the team.
Now if only you were Canadian Polt would propose on bended knee.
Tam: It is not! Don’t make me come up to Canada….
I’m also not sure Samuel has *actually* taken one for the team, but I assume much of the team might be willing to help him with that.
Well helll-LO there, Samuel. how YOU doin? And why is it just now that we’re being introduced? (Dave S.’s abs, Tam’s Canadianness, Michelle M.’s guest post wittiness, Craiggers…just being Craiggers perhaps?)
Tam, I don’t know if it’s proposing I’d be doin’.
And if anyone else from the team gave anything TO Samuel before I did, you an’ me is gonna have words, my friend! 
HUGS…
Samuel: “Regarding Asian….here I am ” …. *SIGH*…so near (in cyberspace) and yet so far (in real life…at least I presume he’s so far).
HUGS…
dave s: It sounds like the line from Pulp Fiction
i have always wondered what it is like to be inside a palace….
Well then email me, Samuel, we’ll talk!
I got the Palace, you got the…ah, Asian, what more do we need? 
HUGS…
(Dang, I feel like if I don’t comment in time, then the next time I press refresh I’ve completely lost the train of thought! Not that I ever had it)
Canada — good country. Two of the six people in my department are from Canada, so I’m surrounded by lots of We Love Canada talk, but also butter tarts so it all works out.
“I got the Palace, you got the…ah, Asian, what more do we need?”
A Canadian damn you, a Canadian, keep on topic. (I think Samuel is somewhere in the US now.)
Heather: Butter tarts make the day just a little bit brighter.
GoKitty: You win.
Darn! Tardy to the party again! That darn work thingy keeps getting in the way of commenting, I really got to work on the priorities.
Tam: Great post! My wife is Canadian so I get to hear about how great the Great White North is on a regular basis. Poutine? She would kill for some real poutine down here. Nanimo bars? Coffee Crisps? Aero Bars? Yep, I hear ALL the candy in Canada is better than here. Gotta say I do love the Hockey, although I almost lost a vital anatomical feature when I became a fan of the local team instead of the Canadians.
Dave S.: I got the Pulp Fiction reference; I still wonder why I was the only one laughing in the theater during the movie… Oh, and I want to see a photo of that tattoo
Polt and Samuel: Get a room. And a video camera. I will do all the post preduction for free. Just sayin…
“now, now, Canada has apologized for Brian Adams on several occasions,” one of the greatest movie lines ever!
Tam, what the heck is Ice Wine?? We put ice in wine here and call them spritzers.
And Beaver Tail… even with your explanation I can’t even go there. It conjures up that movie scene where a couple of bullies make a kid eat a slice of pizza upon which they’d put some of their pu… Blech!
Tam: Well I was assuming cabana boy Juan was gonna be there WITH Samuel and I to…serve us? And he’s Canadian, right?
There ya go, Samuel, M.Nicky wants us to get a room too! So it’s like unanimous or something, right?
HUGS…
Reason #7: Kids in the Hall!
Nico: I remember you now saying your wife was Canadian. She must be from Montreal if she’s a rabid Habs fan missing poutine.
I cheer for the hometown boys, but wherever I live that is my team of choice.
Kris my Sweet: Glad you came by. Ice wine: You let the grapes freeze on the vine, then you work like a bitch to pick them while they are still frozen solid then you quickly press them. The sugar content of the juice is through the roof. Most wine is given a rating from 0, very dry to 7 or something for sweet. Well ice wine is something like 35. Its wild and very expensive because you don’t get much every year. It was discovered by accident.
Beaver tails may not look appealing but seriously, fried dough coated in sugar? How could it be bad?
Polt: Keep your grubby mitts of Juan. You and Samuel can find your own cabana boy. An no, he’s not Canadian. He’s from the Islands so he knows how to make a delish dacquiri.
Michelle: Confession time. I’m not a huge Kids in the Hall fan. They are okay, but we do have some kick ass comedians in general.
Tam: So basically Canada is cool for: being cold; alcoholic cordial, dough and sugar; Celine Dion; men playing with sticks; and, small furry creatures that share the same name as chick bits?? Hmmm.
You know I think I would have been more convinced if you’d put “Degrassi High” on the list. I reckon that’s reason enough right there.
Kris: ARRGGHHHH!!!! Don’t get me started on the “education system using Degrassi as a teaching tool” rant. But to the other stuff? Basically yeah.
And me of course. That should be the clincher for you. I mean what do you have? Kangaroos? Cute accents? I’ll give you that, best accents. 
My daughter is happy, Pittsburgh is leading 4-0. In honour she’s making brownies. Lucky mom.
My God, Tam, the poutine…Must. Have. That. Really, that sounds delicious/sinful and I now want to sit in a big vat of it with a large spoon.
On the opposite end of the love/hate spectrum, that huge beaver gnawing on that tree will be joining me in a rodent filled nightmare tonight.
Ray: Maybe he’ll be gnawing on you WHILE you eat poutine. Then my job will be complete, offering you terror and pleasure all in one fell swoop. That’s a skill you know.
Tam: Oh, definitely you
, but don’t you get demerit points or something for dissing Joey??
What doe we have? What do WE have?! Hell, we are cool for our animals alone: the were-kanga, the koala, the platypus, the wombat, and the emu (not to be confused with the other tall skinny creature which has messy, dark feathers, a pointy face and smudges of black around their eyes known as the emo).
Kris: Emo goth boys. Mmmmmmm. Sorry, got distracted.
Yeah hell, the were-kanga trumps anything we can offer, even the moose. What is the plural of platypus? And you have a big rock. You can’t go wrong with a big rock.
Samuel – Do you have a hair thing?
Kris – My inner tween watches Degrassi (in all it’s incarnations). Don’t tell anyone.
Tam -You’re not a rabid Kids in the Hall fan? That’s just impolite and evil.
Not sure what game Harry was watching. He’s recording pretty much all of them. He’s rooting for Pittsburgh, by the way.
I think you just might break 100 (comments).
Ray – I’d think if you ate the poutine you’d be guaranteed a nightmare.
Michelle: I’m trying. 100 here we come. Well, she burned the damn brownies. Hopefully they are still edible. Pittsburgh still ahead 5-1 so she’s in a good mood. Sorry about KITH. I’ll try harder to win your respect and love. I’ll mail you a beaver tail.
Mark? Enrico? I miss you guys.
Tam: *trying hard to resist the call of the emo twink* The were-kanga beats all for sheer coolness.
Are your fingers broken again?? It’s platypi. And I know Australia is an island and all, but referring to us as a ‘big rock’ is a bit mean, isn’t it??
Michelle: I was barely able to contain myself from buying the entire series of Degrassi when it came out on dvd. I think Tam is being totally unpatriotic.
Tam: Would you friggin’ stop bringing up the beaver tail. It makes me want to hurl just thinking about choking down short and curlies..
Michelle M.: KITH ROCK!!!!! I LOVE them!
Tam: Since she bournt the brouwnies, is she making soumething outher for you in honour ouf the scoure?
Ray: No matter how good it may sound, pountine looks disgusting. Like some threw a vat of snot all over some otherwise decent fries.
Tam: you find emo goth boys distracting? How did I NOT know that either???? Oh, maybe I did…the kid in HMV kinda had emo-esque hair. And we all know how you felt about him.
“And you have a big rock.” Oh, if I had a nickel for everytime someone told me tha-…oh wait, you said rock. ….nevermind.
It’s gonna be a sad at work tomorrow, cause I work with a whole horde of Caps fans.
Are we too 100 yet?
HUGS…