Jul
22
Okay I’ll admit it. I really liked the first Transformers movie. Was it stupid? Yes, but it was fun, and the special effects were awesome and it was about giant robots beating the crap out of each other. So when the second one came around and started getting terrible reviews I was all like: “I’m not expecting Shakespeare! As long as there are robots beating the crap out of each other I’ll be happy!” Oh, how wrong I was! Because yes, there was plenty robot on robot action, but this was one of the worst big-budget movies I’ve seen in a long time.
Let me start off by saying that I wanted to punch every single human actor in the face repeatedly. Especially the “comic relief” roommate. There was a point in the movie, where they were in a car chase and the camera just focused on this roommate to get his scared reaction and it was supposed to be funny, but the shot lasted about 30 seconds and it was pure agony. It was as if John Turturro was like: “Okay, I’ll be in the sequel, but only if you add a character more annoying than me.” So they did it. And then John Turturro was worried that he wouldn’t be annoying enough, so he showed his ass. Punch! And then there was the sexy girl played by Isabel Lucas (also very punch-worthy) flirting with Shia LaBeouf, which led up to the most embarrassingly awful scene in his dorm room. Who else was awful? Oh so many punches to go around! I’d punch Shia and Megan too, but my fists are starting to hurt, and I’m pretty sure Megan Fox can kick my ass.
Let’s not forget about the robots. They took all the cool robots from the first movie (including Optimus Prime) and were like: “Okay, you guys are cool, but you aren’t an offensive ethnic stereotype, so you’re gonna have to step out of the spotlight.” So they introduced two “black” Transformers, a little “italian” Joe Pesci Transformer, and even a “german” mad scientist Transformer for good measure. Why do Transformers need to have ethnic stereotype personalities anyway? Aren’t they robots? Oh well. So we hardly saw Optimus, Bumblebee (who was inexplicably voiceless again, because it was just so clever the first time), Ironhide, or Ratchet. Jetfire was a new one, and actually pretty interesting, but he wasn’t offensive enough so they didn’t have much of him. And before you’re all like: “Craig! You’re too sensitive!” Let me just say that I wouldn’t think twice about these ethnic stereotypes if they were actually funny. But they were all just retreads of Jar Jar Binks.
But how was the action? Indecipherable. The only scene that I can look back and say was cool was the battle in the forest with Optimus Prime, which was in fact way awesome. Otherwise there was too much going on in the other battles to be enjoyable. And don’t even get me started on the 5 second final fight scene between two characters. It was literally 5 seconds long. Awful.
So what do I think happened? I think Steven Spielberg bought the rights to Transformers and wanted to make sure it was handled properly, so he kept a close eye on the production of the first movie. And when the first one was a success, he was like: “Alright! Everything seems to be in good shape. Go get em Michael Bay!” So he didn’t keep as close of an eye on the production and everything just got out of hand. I have no proof of this, but you can just tell the first one was much more Spielberg-ian. It was about a young boy and his first car. It even had (a slight) emotional weight to it in regards to Sam’s relationship with Bumblebee. This new one had nothing. It’s like the Matrix sequels. The studio kept an eye on these budding filmmakers the first time around, but when the first one was a success, they let them have total control over the projects and look what happened. Some people just need to be reined in. Michael Bay is one of these people. But what do I know? The movie is making bucket loads of money. Oh well.
July 22nd, 2009 at 8:28 am
Sorry, Craiggers, but the whole idea of a Transformers movie seems silly to me. I spent last evening watching the Watchmen Directors Cut with the extra footage. Pret-tee sweet.
HUGS….
July 22nd, 2009 at 8:35 am
Ummm, never saw the first one or the second. But I have a feeling Dave may disagree with you.
July 22nd, 2009 at 8:40 am
I loved the first one, and I still want to see the second one, but I think I’ll wait until it is out on dvd : )
July 22nd, 2009 at 8:43 am
I had no intention of seeing this movie, your review just confirms it for me. They’re not getting my money to support this crap.
Although the other Craig in my life – my nephew – is absolutely devoted to all things Transformers and I’ll probably end up supporting this movie with the purchase of tie-in toys for him.
July 22nd, 2009 at 9:06 am
The first one *was* fun! I liked that movie which was why I went to see this travesty of film making. Your absolutely correct on all your points. I will add that the plot seemed to make no sense as it shifted mid movie and for me the two worst scenes were the scene in the dorm you mentioned and the scene at the end with the giant transformer and its wrecking balls…
I did like some of the effects, the Tiger transformer in particular, but as you said the rest of the action was just too confusing.
My favorite review of Transformers 2: http://www.thedigitalbits.com/jahnke/jet063009.html
July 22nd, 2009 at 9:21 am
Nothing on Earth could convince me to watch this film, but reading the reviews is the highlight of my day. Most hilarious was the io9 review that likened it to ‘The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari’, stating that we are all completely wrong, this film is an artistic triumph, and Michael Bay is the Milan Kundera of celluloid.
Thank you, Michael Bay, for entertaining me so much without having to spend $20 on a cinema ticket.
July 22nd, 2009 at 9:33 am
Transformers??? I’m still waiting for the second Teddy Ruxpin movie.
July 22nd, 2009 at 9:37 am
Haaaa, Mark! Just when I thought things couldn’t get any funny ZING out of right field comes Mark!
HUGS…
July 22nd, 2009 at 9:39 am
okay, let me try a portion of that again “couldn’t get any funnIER, ZING”..
See I was laughing too hard the first time. yeah…that’s it…
HUGS…
July 22nd, 2009 at 9:48 am
Can’t argue with anything here. The first film was watchable and reasonably enjoyable. This one was 2:30 of pure tedium.
July 22nd, 2009 at 10:26 am
The fact that anyone is seeing this movie makes me sad for the fate of humanity.
July 22nd, 2009 at 10:45 am
I so totally agree with every point you made!
I also thought that they were working too hard to try and force the movie to be appealing to 12 year old boys, hook the adults bringing the boys to the movie, and flash a lot of cleavage for no real reason. So much of the humor was so forced (like the metal balls on the pyramid- the statement didn’t need to be made since the visual was already groan-worthy).
I had been surprised with how much I enjoyed the first movie so I was looking forward to this one but it really fell flat. I still love Shia, though. I’ve been a “fan” since Even Stevens…
July 22nd, 2009 at 10:56 am
Polt: I’ve always been a left field guy, but I’ll play right field if you let me wear my purple running shorts and my “one size too small” wife beater.
July 22nd, 2009 at 11:03 am
Eternal Lizdom: Ugh! I forgot about the wrecking ball scene! I think I tried to block that out of my memory. And you’re totally right, a sight gag was bad, but the line of dialog pointing it out was even worse.
July 22nd, 2009 at 11:09 am
I’m sorry Craig. I should have warned you. I saw it a week and a half ago.
I’d add that the geography was completely confused. The pyramids at Cairo are apparently located in the Sinai peninsula within sight of the Red Sea, where the United States apparently maintains a fleet of amphibious transports containing tanks ready to deploy at a moments notice.
I also was offended by the political content. They explicitly say that President Obama is willing to negotiate with the Deceptacons and trade away Shia’s character’s life.
July 22nd, 2009 at 11:25 am
Thanks for the warning, now I can wait to watch the travesty in the comfort of my own home when it comes out on DVD rather than drive 90 miles to be disappointed in the theater.
The Ryan With the Cupcake: you’re back! I miss you cupcake *sniff*
How was MN?
July 22nd, 2009 at 11:31 am
I was only offended that they DIDN’T turn Shia over to the Decepticons. He lost a lot of good will when he swung on those vines with the monkeys in Indiana Jones. Worst scene ever.
July 22nd, 2009 at 11:44 am
M. Nico.: MN was good, but it is good to be back. I have a lot to catch up on.
July 22nd, 2009 at 11:48 am
Despite my adoration of Shia LaBeouf, I haven’t even seen the first movie! I’m not a huge action fan so I figured I didn’t really need to see these flicks. Plus, with their running time (eternity and 32 minutes) I’d have to REALLY want to see them to devote so much time watching.
July 22nd, 2009 at 12:11 pm
Craig: I totally agree! That scene in Indiana Jones was the ultimate ‘jump the shark’ moment for the franchise. I really hope they don’t try to make ‘The Many Adventures of Mutt Williams’ or I will have lost all faith in George Lucas and Steven Spielberg.
July 22nd, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Well that’s a shame, because even though I’m a little pre-Transformers, I did think the first one was fun. We may yet see this one since I expect David will want to once it’s out on DVD, but I don’t think I’ll be pushing for it.
July 22nd, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Mark: “my purple running shorts and my “one size too small” wife beater” you wear that getup and I’ll probably even let you play catcher.
Enrickyricardo: “running time (eternity and 32 minutes)” Laugh, snort…I know the feeling, I’ve been in several movies that felt that way.
HUGS…
July 22nd, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Polt: You mean pitcher.
July 22nd, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Hey, cheer up fans of 80s toys made into movies, everyone says G.I.Joe is going to be a great masterpiece of our times!
No, no, wait, apparently it’s going to blow chunks. Ah, well, there’s always hope.
July 22nd, 2009 at 2:22 pm
Part of me is actually hopeful for G.I. Joe. I know…I’m a glutton for punishment.
July 22nd, 2009 at 2:24 pm
And at least anything has to be better than Transformers ROTF.
July 22nd, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Jere: yes, there is hope.
July 22nd, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Let’s not forget this glimmer of hope.
July 22nd, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Plus, there’s a World of Warcraft movie in production.
July 22nd, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Craig you point out my exact same criticism with the Transformers movies, too many humans! They are pretty much worthless and why an advanced alien race of sentient machines needs their help in the first place is beyond me. That is why Transformers Beast Wars was the best series, no dumb humans at all!
July 22nd, 2009 at 4:40 pm
There is nothing from my 80s childhood that Hollywood isn’t prepared to rape.
July 22nd, 2009 at 6:25 pm
Haven’t seen it. Maybe on DVD.
The vines were awful, as was the refrigerator.
Jere – that’s just gross.
July 22nd, 2009 at 6:45 pm
Okay, maybe this thread is about to expire, but I’ll go ahead and add my lone voice of “appreciation” for this movie…
(gulp)
I’ve seen this thing twice. It’s awful in pretty much all the ways folks have described, but dammit if I didn’t have fun anyway. Yes, it’s too long. Yes, everything groan-worthy in the first is one-and-a-half times present in this one. And yes, the writing’s bad, bad, bad. But I *still* had a good time.
I was initially disappointed with the first one, with my nerdy fanboy hopes so high, but it wasn’t a travesty, and I figured that if a live-action Transformers movie was going to be made in my lifetime, with Michael Bay at the helm, well, this is what I’m gonna get. Just take what I like, and *try* to disregard the multiple missteps, and have fun. Wisely (and perhaps pessimistically) I expected nothing different from this sequel, except more and better effects.
My enjoyment of this “film” is a triumph of lowered expectations. Would I have liked a better film? Of course! Will the next one be any better? Umm, I hope so, but well, hmm… I likes me some transforming alien robots.
Maybe next time the Powers That Be will treat the robots — all of them — like actual characters instead of just set pieces and elaborate effects (and gimmicky offensive racial stereotypes). We got glimpses of real characterization with the Megatron-Starscream bits and whatever we saw of Optimus Prime, but not enough. Too much “human” stuff was (ironically) misdirected toward the humans…
July 22nd, 2009 at 10:12 pm
I never saw the first one. I’m not a big action blockbuster fan…unless it involves either catostrophic natural disasters (see Twister or Day After Tomorrow) or giant monsters or crazy animals (see Cloverfield or Jurassic Park)…robots just never got me that aroused.
July 23rd, 2009 at 7:48 am
Andrew J: I can appreciate your “triumph of lowered expectations”. I’m hoping I’ll be able to enjoy the movie more on DVD, when I can just try to enjoy the action and forget about everything else. Or perhaps just enjoy it on a “so bad it’s good” level.
November 4th, 2009 at 11:06 am
you are a dork because the movie rocked people dont listen to this overly judgemental little kid that expects the movie to be just like the transformer cartoons he watches and completely over obsesses about. Your entitled to your opinion bout the movie but dont go on a complete rage because your corrupting other peoples heads with your crazy ideal way you think the movie should of turned out!!!!!