Wormholes are common and often bring unsuspecting victims from the cruel and unforgiving past into the crueler and unforgivinger future. It is the goal of this guide to give those poor fools a fighting chance.
–Culcari Proverb
In the years prior to the Culcari (May our screams be music to Their ears.) invasion, the music industry continued much as it had in the early 21st century. Digital downloads increased while physical sales diminished, albums continued to have only three or four good songs, and “anything but country and hardcore rap” continued to be the most popular answer to the Favorite Music sections of suburban white kids’ online profiles.
Following the trend of Apple’s original iPod, the iPod Mini, and the iPod Nano, music devices continued to shrink as they evolved, similar to the evolution of the clitoris. In the year 2049, Apple introduced the first digital music player that could be implanted directly into the human ear. Microsoft quickly marketed a similar product and for the first time in the iPod/Zune battle, the Zune prevailed since Apple continued to refuse consumers the ability to change the battery in their devices and people were unwilling to spend a week in the Apple factory getting the battery in their ear replaced. Luckily, many smug and determined Mac users lost their lives being shipped in over-sized cardboard boxes.
Music itself continued to evolve through the later half of the 21st century, and the standard music genres that you are familiar with were eventually replaced with more forthright genres such as Sex, Violence, Noise, Pathetic Girls Degrading Themselves for Loser Guys, and Lesbian. Musical theater suffered drastically in the 23rd century. The ban on gays in the military was lifted during World War 3, unfortunately three quarters of the world’s gay population was killed after Operation Sashay (documents uncovered later proved that it’s official name was Operation Homocide) proved to be a failure (documents uncovered later proved that it was actually a huge success). Productions of Oliver were the only shows available for ten years while a new batch of theater geeks matured.
After the Culcari (May They pluck our heartstrings on Their fleshy violas.) invasion of 2681, our Overlords – in their infinite wisdom – banned all forms of entertainment that did not please them, including human music. It was not until 2793 that the Culcari (May They use our organs as organs.) lifted this ban, but only for reworked Britney Spears songs such as: Hit You Baby One More Time, You’re a Slave 4 Me, and Oops!…I Raped You Again.
Now go forth weary time traveler! Next time you hear a song, stop a moment, tap your foot and enjoy, as it may be your last.
