GUEST POST: Craig’s Month Off
She opened up our month of guest posts with her hilarious movie post and now she’s back for the big finale! That’s right boys and girls, I am happy to present another amazing guest post by Michelle M!
I don’t feel like writing today. But my readers expect me to be hard at work on my novel…
I know! I’ll pretend I’m sick!
Honey, you don’t look so good. Maybe you should just stay in bed today.
Incredible! One of the worst performances of my career and they never doubted it for a second. Suckers!
How can I possibly be expected to write on a day like this??
Never had one lesson. Guess I’m just a natural at blowing.
McAnally…?
McAnally…?
McAnally…?
McAnally…?
Cha, well he’s not feeling too hawt todayz. Mad sickerskatez! My friendo’s hermana is dating dis nasty gringo whose twinktastico brother is sticking it to dis feisty cholita, and well this chica heard from some hot piece she met @ the discotech that knowz this rando who’s pumping spunk with some ho who saw Craig frrrrealz pass the shiz out @ that 31 Flavoz joint last noche. This crap is busted! It’s mah guesserz dat its def def defferz supa serial. Geebz!
Cameron, let’s hang out today!
I’m dying.
You’re not dying, you just can’t think of anything good to do. Be a man. Take some Pepto-Bismol, get dressed and get your ass over here. And pick up Sloane on the way.
He’ll keep calling me, he’ll keep calling me until I come over. He’ll make me feel guilty. This is uh… This is ridiculous, ok I’ll go, I’ll go, I’ll go, I’ll go, I’ll go. What – I’LL GO. Shit.
Word count: 21,000. That can’t be right. Grace, where’s Craig today?
He’s sick, the poor dear.
He’s not answering. You don’t think he’s faking an illness do you?
Oh heavens no. Craig’s such a nice boy. All the commenters say so. The sportos, the geeks, dorks, lurkers, gays, bis, straights – they all adore him. They think he’s a righteous dude.
Hmmm…. I’m going to get to the bottom of this. Craig, your ass is mine…
Shermerite #1: How’s Craig doing?
Shermerite #2: I heard it’s pretty serious…
Shermerite #3: Shit, I hope he doesn’t die. Without his blog I might actually have to do some work.
Sick my ass. You don’t fool me Craig…
Cameron: Do you think the car will be okay?
Craig: Geez, relax. It’s in good hands. The valets are trained professionals.
Maître d’: No shoes, no shirt, no service.
Craig: Do you know who I am?
I’m Abe Froman, the Sausage King of Chicago!
SAUSAGE King, you say? Well right this way…
Cameron: I didn’t know you liked baseball.
Craig: Pitchers, catchers, balls flying around. What’s not to like??
Craig: Cameron! Are you alright?
Cameron: Craig, you’re my hero.
You saw me taking my clothes off by the jacuzzi, didn’t you Cameron? You saw me undressed? That’s okay. I’m not embarrassed.
Um, who hasn’t seen you undressed?
Meanwhile…
I heard that you were feeling ill.
Headache, fever, and a chill.
I came to help restore your pluck,
Cause I’m the nurse who likes to…
Craig, darling, is that you??
I don’t know who you are, or what you’re doing in my kitchen, but I called the police. So you better leave before I sic the dog on you. Plus, SCORCHING herpes!
Grrrr….
Boy: What are you in for?
Jeanie: Making a phony phone call.
Boy: What’s your name?
Jeanie: It’s Jean, but a lot of guys call me Shauna.
You look like a whore.
Thank god we got the car back safe and sound.
Yeah… so … good luck with that. See ya!
Grumble, grumble…
I knew it!! You are toast!
Ha! You’re too late. Just wait till I tell your readers you’ve been goofing off ALL day!
Awww…. How can I resist a face like that? Your secret’s safe with me Craiggykins.
Life moves pretty fast. You don’t stop and goof around once in a while, you could miss it.
Hey Mr. Rooney! Wanna lift?
One day Craig… you WILL be mine…
Gummi bear? It’s been in my pocket. They’re real warm and soft.
Bom bom. Oh Yeah.
—
Credits:
Craig: Himself
Cameron Frye: Enrico
Sloane Peterson: Dave S.
Ed Rooney: Ryan with the Cupcake
Jeanie: Me!
Grace: Tam
Katie/Mom: Xi_Heather
Tom/Dad: TwoPi
Economics Teacher: Jere
Bored student #1: Paul
Bored student#2: Ray
Drooling student: Mr. M.
Simone and Simone’s lines: Josh
Shermerite #1: FDot
Shermerite #2: Mel
Shermerite #3: David
Valet #1: M. Nicodemus
Valet #2: Chris D.
Chez Quis Maître d’: Adam
Boy in police station: Joemosexual
Craig’s dog: john
Nurse: Polt
Bikini girl #1: Kimi
Bikini girl #2: Kristen
The REAL Abe Froman, Sausage King of Chicago: Mark
Girl (who is really a dude) in Seurat painting: GoKitty
Bus driver: Vuboq
Gummi bear boy: Nathan
Everyone else is a Shermerite, a parade extra or a zombie.
Oh my frickin’ god that was a long post. But it’s over. You can go now.
Go.
(but first leave a comment).
Chickah chickahhh
September 2, 2009 5:35 am 34 Comments
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By Milo, September 2, 2009 @ 7:49 am
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!
By Jere, September 2, 2009 @ 7:49 am
No comments?
Dave S…?
Dave S…?
Dave S…?
By bernd, September 2, 2009 @ 8:02 am
Dun Dun
Awesome post, MM.
By Tam, September 2, 2009 @ 8:05 am
Freaking awsome Michelle. Its like a class photo, great to see what everyone looks like. Great job.
By josh, September 2, 2009 @ 8:06 am
This was absolutely fantastic. IN. EVERY. SINGLE. WAY. My heart just effing explodered and now I’m dead…that’s how much I lurrrrrved it!
By Craig, September 2, 2009 @ 8:16 am
So so so so great!
I think my faves are Chris and M Nico as the valets, VUBOQ as the bus driver, and Nathan as the gummi bear kid!
By Polt, September 2, 2009 @ 8:51 am
ohmiGOD…too many goodies to name them all…Sassy josh as Simone (brilliant), Tam as Grace (Brilliant), Dave S. was much more slutty in appearance and actions that Sloane was (brilliant), john’s bunny head on the dog (brilliant) in fact the whole freakin’ post, just masterfully brilliant!
And once more, to beat that dead horse a little more, you NEED your own blog! Even if you only post to it once a month or so, you NEED it!
Oh, and I had no idea my legs looked so good in a nurses uniform! And how appropriate, cause I’m all about restoring a man’s plucking, through the action of…..well, you know.
HUGS…
By vuboq, September 2, 2009 @ 8:52 am
OMG. so funneh!
I’m so glad you picked one of my ‘good hair’ pictures
*smooches*
By Michelle M., September 2, 2009 @ 9:05 am
Thanks!
Jere – you crack me up.
Polt – I know – you are so giving that way : ).
I wish I could have added more Puntabupeople – if you’re not in the post it’s only because I don’t have your picture. Yet : ).
By Jonah, September 2, 2009 @ 10:08 am
Dave S. as Sloane! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, can’t stop laughing.
By FDot, September 2, 2009 @ 10:44 am
Whee! This was a pleasant way to start the day. And I was even able to stand the sight of my own picture, Michelle M. does work miracles.
And wow, I had no idea just how much Tam resembles Edie McClurg. If there’s ever a biopic….
By Eternal Lizdom, September 2, 2009 @ 10:52 am
I find myself terribly jealous of your time and talents! I don’t even know you people all that well and found this HILARIOUS! Well done!
By The Ryan with the Cupcake, September 2, 2009 @ 11:01 am
Awesome post, Michelle! You have convinced me to not grow a mustache.
I do have one question: Does Craig marry Dave S. or Enrico?
By The Infamous Dr. Para, September 2, 2009 @ 11:41 am
But, but, I’m the Sausage King of Chicago! (I got the title in ’99 after that really long and slutty 2 weeks)
By Will, September 2, 2009 @ 11:45 am
I saw a girl in Pier 1 yesterday with a “Save Ferris” shirt on, but that wasn’t half as awesome as this was.
By M. Nicodemus, September 2, 2009 @ 11:46 am
Bwahahaha! That was awesome! Too many good things to list going on here, again I love the attention to detail like the Ferrari license plate “SPRVGRA” and the cameo by Beaker had me rolling! Thank you for another great post.
Cupcake: Awww… I thought you looked cute in the mustache, very butch
By M. Nicodemus, September 2, 2009 @ 11:53 am
Oh, and Cameron/Enrico’s cute girly room was priceless! I keep finding things every time I read it.
Must get back to work… after one more read through…
By Mel, September 2, 2009 @ 12:41 pm
OMG, I’m crying here. Wait, maybe that’s the swine flu. Nope, definitely this post. Michelle, every time I wonder how you’re going to top your last post, but you always do. Hats off.
By Dave S., September 2, 2009 @ 2:48 pm
Holy crap, that was freaking hiiilllaaarrriiiooouuusss!! Michelle, I do believe you knocked it out of the park!
And who the hell is that Dave S. freak? Geez, he’s everywhere yet his clothes never seem to catch up to him…
By john, September 2, 2009 @ 2:56 pm
There are no adequate words or acronyms to express how absolutely HYSTERICAL this post is!!!
Chris D. & M. Nico was my favorite part! The photos are perfect! I also LOVED Joemosexal’s cameo! I’m still reeling from the humor in Craig being a sausage king and Josh’s speech.
By Hayden, September 2, 2009 @ 4:23 pm
Michelle M….Craig obviously saved the best guest post for last! Awsome!!!
By Xi_Heather, September 2, 2009 @ 7:20 pm
As much as I’ve missed Craig’s post, it has really been neat to read all of the guest posts [but did I comment??? NNNNNooooooooooo, Bad Commenter Heather, no biscuit]. Anyway, I’ve loved seeing all the different stories and styles, and this was a fantastic way to finishing out the guesting.
By Michelle M., September 2, 2009 @ 8:16 pm
Dave S. – You’re the Matthew McConaughey of Puntabulous.
Cuppers – Thanks for always being my villain. And Craig didn’t marry Sloane or Cameron.
Cameron’s gonna marry the first boy lays, and he’s gonna treat Cameron like shit, because he will have given Cameron what he has built up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existence. He won’t respect Cameron, ’cause you can’t respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn’t work.
And after touching a unicorn and plunging the world into darkness, Sloane marries a forest dweller named Jack.
http://mmckee.net/pictures/davelegend.jpg
By Chris D., September 2, 2009 @ 8:38 pm
Wow! Amazing job Michelle M.! The photoshop work is absolutely outstanding. It is amazing how you found photos that fit so well into all the different scenes. I love all of Craig’s animated facial expressions. I like the photo of Josh that you used. He has such a happy smile in it, and his dialog is perfectoz for him.
By Michelle M., September 2, 2009 @ 8:52 pm
Chris – Josh is a cutie. I think his lines are perfectoz, too – but then, he wrote it himself (I couldn’t pull it off) : ).
By The Ryan with the Cupcake, September 2, 2009 @ 8:55 pm
Michelle M.: I was wondering whether you wrote that or if he did.
By adam, September 2, 2009 @ 9:02 pm
hahahaha this is amazing. I love that you used the photo of my mid-beard-shaving creepy stash. Fantastic job Michelle!!!
By josh, September 2, 2009 @ 11:49 pm
I just read it again…prox 16 horaz later, and I am still dry-heaving @ it. John’s “head” on the dog’s body has me in tearz. I think I have found a new wallpaper for mah lappytop.
By vim, September 3, 2009 @ 1:52 pm
The Hello Kitty is teh brilliant!!!!1
By Kimi, September 4, 2009 @ 10:17 am
finally reading this……….so great!!!!! thanks for all your hard work and thanks for giving me my 20-yr-old body back!!!!
By Ray, September 4, 2009 @ 7:14 pm
Bravo, Michelle!! AND I picked up a new phrase to use when I’m in my ironic-slang-usage persona, “This crap is BUSTED!”
By Enrico, September 5, 2009 @ 1:50 am
OMG! How did I miss this?!?!?!
AMAZING!
Thanks for giving me such a prominent role Michelle E>
Though I don’t curse you know….
Josh’s monologue was brilliant.
Please make me approx. 1 million more guest blog entries!
By Enrico, September 5, 2009 @ 1:53 am
M. Nico: That’s my friend Megan’s room! That pic comes from a sleepover.
By David, September 8, 2009 @ 11:56 am
What a great way to start my post holiday weekend workweek. That was just joy. Michelle, I am your love slave.