Wormholes are common and often bring unsuspecting victims from the cruel and unforgiving past into the crueler and unforgivinger future. It is the goal of this guide to give those poor fools a fighting chance.
–Culcari Proverb
In the years prior to the Culcari (May our screams be music to Their ears.) invasion, the music industry continued much as it had in the early 21st century. Digital downloads increased while physical sales diminished, albums continued to have only three or four good songs, and “anything but country and hardcore rap” continued to be the most popular answer to the Favorite Music sections of suburban white kids’ online profiles.
Following the trend of Apple’s original iPod, the iPod Mini, and the iPod Nano, music devices continued to shrink as they evolved, similar to the evolution of the clitoris. In the year 2049, Apple introduced the first digital music player that could be implanted directly into the human ear. Microsoft quickly marketed a similar product and for the first time in the iPod/Zune battle, the Zune prevailed since Apple continued to refuse consumers the ability to change the battery in their devices and people were unwilling to spend a week in the Apple factory getting the battery in their ear replaced. Luckily, many smug and determined Mac users lost their lives being shipped in over-sized cardboard boxes.
Music itself continued to evolve through the later half of the 21st century, and the standard music genres that you are familiar with were eventually replaced with more forthright genres such as Sex, Violence, Noise, Pathetic Girls Degrading Themselves for Loser Guys, and Lesbian. Musical theater suffered drastically in the 23rd century. The ban on gays in the military was lifted during World War 3, unfortunately three quarters of the world’s gay population was killed after Operation Sashay (documents uncovered later proved that it’s official name was Operation Homocide) proved to be a failure (documents uncovered later proved that it was actually a huge success). Productions of Oliver were the only shows available for ten years while a new batch of theater geeks matured.
After the Culcari (May They pluck our heartstrings on Their fleshy violas.) invasion of 2681, our Overlords – in their infinite wisdom – banned all forms of entertainment that did not please them, including human music. It was not until 2793 that the Culcari (May They use our organs as organs.) lifted this ban, but only for reworked Britney Spears songs such as: Hit You Baby One More Time, You’re a Slave 4 Me, and Oops!…I Raped You Again.
Now go forth weary time traveler! Next time you hear a song, stop a moment, tap your foot and enjoy, as it may be your last.
Posts like this are why I come here.
Funny stuff. I think the ipod implant is not that far in the future, like next Wednesday maybe. They are almost small enough now.
I hear Enrico cheering somewhere in Jersey. Great job Craig, I love the Culcari, well, you know what I mean.
“Productions of Oliver were the only shows available for ten years while a new batch of theater geeks matured.”—-That’s really funny…Am I a bad person for LOL’ing when I read that?
My fave Brit remix is “If U Seek Amy with a Sharp and Bloody Stick in the Human Bunghole”
what about “I’m Not a Girl, But I’m Your Love Slave,” “Me Against the Meat Cleaver (feat. Madonna)” and “From the Bottom of My Broken Virginal Innocence?!?”
“anything but country and hardcore rap” LOL!!
HURRAY!!! Britney remixes?? I hope I’m around for those!
And I love how you referenced Brit in your post on the day her new single comes out! Has everyone memorized “3″ yet?!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5WdtFLzgI_Y
Wow… this feels like ‘the old days,’ when I posted a link to “Womanizer” when it came out! Now all I need is some jerk to say Brit sucks
Enrico: Polt isn’t a jerk, he’s just old.
Craig: A. I wasn’t referring to Polt.
B. Did you see Twitter’s trending topics? They TOTALLY stole your TMST!!
Brit sucks.
You’re welcome.
You’re old
I love learning about how to survive in the world of the Culcari Overlords. You should write your next book on them.
Oops, I Raped You Again reminded me of the Rape Tunnel.
For our friends up North.
Awwww. Thinking of us Ryan.
Damn, I have to change my profile… You totally should compile all of your “How to Survive the Future” posts and re-work them into a book, it would be hilarious!
Oh, and Brit sucks. Now all you whipper-snappers get off my lawn!
Brit sucks, but then, who would want her to.
Looks like Cock is taking a firm stand on the issue.
Since this kind of ties in with Cock’s fantasties (and I’m sure fantasies are as close as he’ll get to any of Brit’s orifices) …
Just for fun
A friend of mine found the site and made this one up. For those who aren’t familiar, that “church” is against everyone and everything, especially gays, immigrants, Jews, the military, anyone who’s skin is darker than Casper and I think Teletubbies and red licorice as well.
Leave it to the Culcari (Their magnificence is only exceeded by their terror) to pick the perfect songs by which to torture humanity.
And notfornutthinbut, I’d by a book of Culcari proverbs never mind the guide!
Operation Sashay?! That title makes me very excited. The Jere Britney Remix is nightmarishly fantastic…
“Looks like Cock is taking a firm stand on the issue.” **chuckling**
Tsunami warning here.
Also we need to hold an intervention. Friends don’t let friends put Transformers 2 on their wishlists.
I love the Culcari – they’re so crotchety. And I would buy that Britney CD Remix.
Ryan – no skinny dipping for you tonight.
Michelle – I had actually considered taking the long way home via Blacks Beach, but I think I decided that I didn’t feel like climbing back up the cliffs.
Fun post! Very creative. I loved the Apple dig about the batteries.
“The Culcari: An Underground Survival Guide” should definitely be in the works!!! These are some of my favorite posts of all time on Puntabulous!
Each and every one is riotously brilliant!
And be careful, Craig — it wasn’t an ‘invasion,’ it was a ‘salvation’… (May Those That Save use my eyes as olives in their martini)