Nov
6
So I come home last night after a lovely dinner with Kári to find this box from Amazon waiting for me. Now I’d like to describe the events that followed with pictures and the conversation that took place between me and my Mom (Sorry Oz, now I’m just doing it to bug you):
Mom: A box from amazon came for you today. You always get fun mail. All mine is just bills.
Craig: Oh cool. But I don’t remember ordering something from Amazon. What could it be?
Craig: Oh! It’s a birthday present from Tam!
Mom: That’s so sweet! Did I mention I only get bills in the mail?
Mom: A book! How nice! Your readers are so smart and well read!
Craig: I know, right? Aren’t they just the pinnacle of sophistication? How to live with…
Craig: OMG LOL!
Mom: Oh my god! My eyes! My eyes! They’re on fire! Burn it! Burn the book immediately! It is evil! EEEEVIIIL!
Okay, so maybe that wasn’t exactly the way it happened, but it was entirely awkward opening that in front of my Mom. Thank you so much Tam! I’m so glad there is finally a book to help me cope living with this damn gift/curse of mine! I know many nights will be spent trying to read it out of Mom’s view by staying up late with a flashlight hidden under the blankets. Reading it that way will also help me admire myself while reading and taking notes.
November 6th, 2009 at 10:33 am
Living as a Tripod for Dummies?
November 6th, 2009 at 10:37 am
My grandfather always said he liked winter best, because then his didn’t drag on the ground.
November 6th, 2009 at 10:43 am
Wow Craiggerz! Now you can handle the wish that moved into your pants. You should nurture it. Stalk around your room kicking your feet up just like him, making a big deal of you lips. You can be your own big boy!
November 6th, 2009 at 10:53 am
The big question, of course, is how Tam happened upon that title in the first place.
November 6th, 2009 at 11:09 am
OMG, I almost had a coronary from laughing, “EEEEVIIIL!” BWAHAHAHA! Great find Tam, maybe Craiggers will learn a few new “wrap and tuck” techniques to keep that monster out of the way while he is Wii-ercising.
November 6th, 2009 at 11:11 am
Sweet. Now, if you stay very still, you can compare it to a button, or maybe a china saucer or a flash in a car side-mirror. Then you could name the ache either big or little and keep it forever!
(And let me borrow that when you’re done reading it!)
November 6th, 2009 at 11:26 am
Oh Tam.
November 6th, 2009 at 11:34 am
LOL! @ Mel’s grandfather
Old guys can be so pervy sometimes. This guy at work said for Halloween he was gonna come in naked on roller skates and be a pull toy.
Oh Enrico, you weren’t THAT much bigger!
November 6th, 2009 at 11:44 am
Craiggers, you mean you didn’t WRITE this book yourself? I thought his mighta been what you were writing back in august!
Tam, awesome find!
Perhaps, Craiggers, you should demonstrate some of the hints and techniques for living with your huge penis?
HUGS…
November 6th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Mel: I was on Good Reads looking for something completely unrelated. And it was one of those cases where you keep clicking on a link, then a link and I glanced down at the bottom of the page and there it was. Just looking at me and screaming “BUY ME FOR CRAIG!”. But I couldn’t tell you what I started out looking for.
I was debating whether I should give a warning since I figure your parents would be around but then I figure, nah, that’s half the fun and this post proved that to be true.
November 6th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
I suppose that this mean that you’ve got the neck scarf department under control as well? Is that why you turn blue every time a cute guy walks by?
November 6th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Does the book have a section on puppetry?
November 6th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
Tam: I did “I Do Not Hook Up!” I can do H. Duff! But I need a second one…prefferz by a guy singa dis time (aka what I constantly avoid).
November 6th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Josh: Okay, let me think. How about Jesse McCartney?
November 6th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Ya know, I was so excited to see the present, the first time I read this I totally glossed over the fact you had dinner with Kari! How jellerz am I? A lovely dinner with the equally lovely Kari and then a gift that’s totally appropo for your extendable appendage. Could an evening GET any better than that?
HUGS…
November 6th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Actually, i CAN think of several ways an evening could be better, but I can leave that to your overactive imaginations.
Sassy josh: If you’re looking for a male singer, how about bringing some sexy back by Justin Timberlake? (I only mention this cause I want to hear you say ‘baby, I’m your slave, I’ll let you whip me if I misbehave’.)
HUGS…
November 6th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Polt: A foursome with Chace Crawford, Penn Badgley, and Ed Westwick would make pretty much any of Craig’s days better. At least, that is my guess.
November 6th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Tam: Weird! I was actually tinking about doing song by him!!
November 6th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Poltergeizt: EW! I would never sing a Justin Timberface song. Boo! HATEZ. HIM!
November 6th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Reason # 106 to move out of your parents house!
November 6th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Sassy josh: you wouldn’t wanna perhaps show up Mr. timberlake by singing the song mucho mucho better than he does? Or maybe just sing that one line? I’m not picky.
HUGS….
November 6th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Damn, I was writing a marriage counseling book for women with that same title.
November 6th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Tam is controlling my music choices this morning. I started with Jesse McCartney’s Departure and now have started listening to Justin Timberlake.
November 6th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Polt: We don’t support losers who make Britney cry!
November 6th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
I wield great powers Ryan. Yet I choose not to abuse that power. You’ll notice there has been no mention of Sean Kingston or Pit Bull?
November 6th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Tam: I’d prefer if you mention Mark Salling next.
November 6th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Ah yes, the adorable Puck. I still haven’t checked out his music yet. Remind me to do that. Since my Mom is visiting I’m sure I’ll forget for the next few days. Remind me Thursday kay?
November 6th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
*sigh* I am so out of touch with current pop music, if it isn’t on the classic rock station then I haven’t heard it (then again the only other local stations play country/western, that’s my excuse and I am sticking to it.) How about some Pearl Jam? *ducks head to avoid thrown objects*
November 6th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Tam: I’ve added that to my calendar.
November 6th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
The joke’s on you! You used it as an object pronoun instead of a subject pronoun this time, so “between me and my mom” is correct! Hahahahahaha.
That book is amazing btw.
November 6th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Nico: Wait till your kids are a bit older. You’ll be the hip Dad on the street then. Owl City anyone? If I hear rainbows in your veins or whatever the hell it is one more time I’ll scream.
November 6th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
I’m a playa…but it’s ok, cuz I got it like dat!
November 6th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Tam: “To ten million fireflies, I’m weird ’cause I hate goodbyes, I got misty eyes as they said farewell.”
I’m weird cause I hate goodbyes? Um, really? Aren’t goodbyes a bad thing? Someone’s stretching for a rhyme!
November 6th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Oh, and DAMN YOU Oz!
November 6th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Craig: I can tell you have been working out by the strength of your text.
November 6th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Craig: Yeah, well, sometimes it’s all about the rhyme. But seriously, I’ve never gotten misty eyed over some dead bugs.
Kristen actually did a whole poetry project on Rainbow Veins for English class. Got an A+.
In my day I had to study poetry by Keats and Dylan Thomas. Now its little twinky boys from Minesota who can rhyme really well. (Excuse me while I polish up my walker here.)
November 6th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
M. Nico: Did you see the clip of Pearl Jam’s halloween concert? They dressed up as Devo and did “Whip It”. Coincidentally, I have that clip up at the Palace, so you can pop over and see it.
Tam: I’ve never heard of Rainbow Veins, which kinda makes me very happy actually. Although the little twinky boy from Minnesota statement did catch my interest….
HUGS…
November 6th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
Oh, and Sassy josh, you wouldn’t sing Timberlake even IF you were accompanied by a cello?
HUGS…
November 6th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Ryan: Someone call the vet, cause these puppies are sick!
::flexes massive biceps::
November 6th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
Would you sing Timberlake wearing yellow?
Would you sing Timberlake accompanied by a cello?
No, I would not sing Timberface wearing yelloz.
I would not sing Timberface accompanied by celloz.
I do not like Timberface.
I do not like him, Poltergeizt.
November 6th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Bravo Ryan!
November 6th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
Rhyming poetry is for dummies. Unless you’re Anne Sexton.
November 6th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Yay, Cupcake! I luvez your poetry! For serialzskatrz!
HUGS…
November 6th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
That’s what happens when you spend most of your time within two miles of the Dr. Seuss collection.
November 6th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
Rhyming poetry is THE ONLY poetry.
November 6th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
WRONG. Tell that to Sylvia Plath and Catie Rosemurgy, the two greatest poets ever!
November 6th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
Wow, this is definitely going to be a Christmas gift for a friend of mine … the only thing that is bigger than his penis is his ego, so it’s perfect.
November 6th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
Perfect….and I am guessing Tam (and her daughter) would know from their trip to the big apple seeing that the 3 of you spent a schlong night together over drinks and dinner…
November 6th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Love the book! Perhaps you will post some excerpts later, Craig?
RE: Poetry. Rhyming poetry is the only poetry. Non-rhyming poetry is oddly formatted prose.
November 6th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
Tam: I say it again: You are the BEST!
Craig: I’m so glad you opened that in front of your mother.
November 6th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
vuboq: Only formatted prose?!?! LOL!
Yeah…. Except that a book of prose features about 343,239 words that weren’t carefully chosen, usually is not focused on rhythm and sound, can not play with form in terms of enjambment and line breaks, and a million other different reasons. Go read some Anne Sexton, please!
Craig: You should post excerpts!
November 6th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
Tam is awesome.
November 6th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
Speaking of penises:
http://jezebel.com/5398993/um?autoplay=true
November 6th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
Holy crap Michelle! 0_o
November 6th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
How thoughtful of Tam. You will have to do a follow-up post about what you have learned so that Enrico can benefit.
I am sure your mother couldn’t have been too surprised. If she ever checks out the comment section here she would see that the almighty Puntabuschlong is revered. She must be so proud that her son has a big dick on the Internet.
November 6th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
Michelle M.: Where the hell did you find that video?!? Oh, forget it, don’t tell me!
November 6th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
Hey, Craiggers, since I really know how to spend a Friday Night, I just went back and looked for the first time I commented. It was March 28, 2006! My GOD, that’s 3 years, 7 months and a few days.
I was with you before you got your current job, before you moved back home, when you still had posts with Natalie Portman, Your Wife (how is the old girl doing?), before the very first Super Viagra, and even 3 months before I started the Palace.
In fact, you may have been the inspiration for me to start it! I’m not sure if the world should thank you or curse you for that part.
And this can even be my birthday gift to you, which pales in comparison to the big penis book….but then everything would right?
HUGS, my longtime friend!
November 6th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
I was so excited about finding the first comment, i totally forgot when I started the Palace….that was 2005, not 2006. So I can’t blame you for that. But everything else I wrote is totally true!!! Nonetheless, have an awesomely Puntabulous birthday!!!!
HUGS…
November 6th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
Polt: Craig told me that his wife is living in the garage these days.
November 6th, 2009 at 11:17 pm
My college degree and I agree with Enrico about poetry.
November 7th, 2009 at 8:59 am
that is kick-ass birthday present! Happy Birthday : )
November 7th, 2009 at 10:27 am
Brilliant!
November 7th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
For ur birfday, I’ma buy you both Lindsay Lohan CDs…aren’t I sooOoOoo NICE [feat. thoughtful]??!
November 7th, 2009 at 11:10 pm
Did somebody call for a vet?
November 8th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
HAPPY BIRTHDAY CRAIG!!!!!!!!!!
November 8th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
Fucking hilarious! *falls out of her office chair laughing*
(The chair she shouldn’t be sitting in because it’s effin’ Sunday and even GHOD DOESN’T WORK ON SUNDAYS, and EVEN IF HE DID he probably wouldn’t be waist deep in a never-to-be-sufficiently-bedamned freakin’ nationwide DSL outage. My phone is BLOWING UP. Arrggh.)
*ahem*
Sorry.
November 11th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
That book changed my life!