Puntabulous

My First Birthday Present of the Year

So I come home last night after a lovely dinner with Kári to find this box from Amazon waiting for me. Now I’d like to describe the events that followed with pictures and the conversation that took place between me and my Mom (Sorry Oz, now I’m just doing it to bug you):

Mom: A box from amazon came for you today. You always get fun mail. All mine is just bills.

Craig: Oh cool. But I don’t remember ordering something from Amazon. What could it be?

Craig: Oh! It’s a birthday present from Tam!
Mom: That’s so sweet! Did I mention I only get bills in the mail?

Mom: A book! How nice! Your readers are so smart and well read!
Craig: I know, right? Aren’t they just the pinnacle of sophistication? How to live with…

Craig: OMG LOL!
Mom: Oh my god! My eyes! My eyes! They’re on fire! Burn it! Burn the book immediately! It is evil! EEEEVIIIL!

Okay, so maybe that wasn’t exactly the way it happened, but it was entirely awkward opening that in front of my Mom. Thank you so much Tam! I’m so glad there is finally a book to help me cope living with this damn gift/curse of mine! I know many nights will be spent trying to read it out of Mom’s view by staying up late with a flashlight hidden under the blankets. Reading it that way will also help me admire myself while reading and taking notes.

BOOKS, PHOTO ALBUMS | Craig | November 6, 2009 10:31 am

67 Comments

By The Ryan with the Cupcake, November 6, 2009 @ 10:33 am

Living as a Tripod for Dummies?
By Mel, November 6, 2009 @ 10:37 am

My grandfather always said he liked winter best, because then his didn’t drag on the ground.
By josh, November 6, 2009 @ 10:43 am

Wow Craiggerz! Now you can handle the wish that moved into your pants. You should nurture it. Stalk around your room kicking your feet up just like him, making a big deal of you lips. You can be your own big boy!
By Mel, November 6, 2009 @ 10:53 am

The big question, of course, is how Tam happened upon that title in the first place.
By M. Nicodemus, November 6, 2009 @ 11:09 am

OMG, I almost had a coronary from laughing, “EEEEVIIIL!” BWAHAHAHA! Great find Tam, maybe Craiggers will learn a few new “wrap and tuck” techniques to keep that monster out of the way while he is Wii-ercising.
By Enrico, November 6, 2009 @ 11:11 am

Sweet. Now, if you stay very still, you can compare it to a button, or maybe a china saucer or a flash in a car side-mirror. Then you could name the ache either big or little and keep it forever!
(And let me borrow that when you’re done reading it!)
By David, November 6, 2009 @ 11:26 am

Oh Tam.
By Craig, November 6, 2009 @ 11:34 am

LOL! @ Mel’s grandfather

Old guys can be so pervy sometimes. This guy at work said for Halloween he was gonna come in naked on roller skates and be a pull toy.

Oh Enrico, you weren’t THAT much bigger!
By Polt, November 6, 2009 @ 11:44 am

Craiggers, you mean you didn’t WRITE this book yourself? I thought his mighta been what you were writing back in august!

Tam, awesome find!

Perhaps, Craiggers, you should demonstrate some of the hints and techniques for living with your huge penis?

HUGS…
By Tam, November 6, 2009 @ 12:21 pm

Mel: I was on Good Reads looking for something completely unrelated. And it was one of those cases where you keep clicking on a link, then a link and I glanced down at the bottom of the page and there it was. Just looking at me and screaming “BUY ME FOR CRAIG!”. But I couldn’t tell you what I started out looking for.

I was debating whether I should give a warning since I figure your parents would be around but then I figure, nah, that’s half the fun and this post proved that to be true.
By Guille, November 6, 2009 @ 12:26 pm

I suppose that this mean that you’ve got the neck scarf department under control as well? Is that why you turn blue every time a cute guy walks by?
By The Ryan with the Cupcake, November 6, 2009 @ 12:31 pm

Does the book have a section on puppetry?
By josh, November 6, 2009 @ 12:35 pm

Tam: I did “I Do Not Hook Up!” I can do H. Duff! But I need a second one…prefferz by a guy singa dis time (aka what I constantly avoid).
By Tam, November 6, 2009 @ 12:40 pm

Josh: Okay, let me think. How about Jesse McCartney?
By Polt, November 6, 2009 @ 12:46 pm

Ya know, I was so excited to see the present, the first time I read this I totally glossed over the fact you had dinner with Kari! How jellerz am I? A lovely dinner with the equally lovely Kari and then a gift that’s totally appropo for your extendable appendage. Could an evening GET any better than that?

HUGS…
By Polt, November 6, 2009 @ 12:51 pm

Actually, i CAN think of several ways an evening could be better, but I can leave that to your overactive imaginations.

Sassy josh: If you’re looking for a male singer, how about bringing some sexy back by Justin Timberlake? (I only mention this cause I want to hear you say ‘baby, I’m your slave, I’ll let you whip me if I misbehave’.)

HUGS…
By The Ryan with the Cupcake, November 6, 2009 @ 12:54 pm

Polt: A foursome with Chace Crawford, Penn Badgley, and Ed Westwick would make pretty much any of Craig’s days better. At least, that is my guess.
By josh, November 6, 2009 @ 12:54 pm

Tam: Weird! I was actually tinking about doing song by him!!
By josh, November 6, 2009 @ 12:55 pm

Poltergeizt: EW! I would never sing a Justin Timberface song. Boo! HATEZ. HIM!
By Paul, November 6, 2009 @ 1:07 pm

Reason # 106 to move out of your parents house!
By Polt, November 6, 2009 @ 1:32 pm

Sassy josh: you wouldn’t wanna perhaps show up Mr. timberlake by singing the song mucho mucho better than he does? Or maybe just sing that one line? I’m not picky.

HUGS….
By Antonio, November 6, 2009 @ 1:41 pm

Damn, I was writing a marriage counseling book for women with that same title.
By The Ryan with the Cupcake, November 6, 2009 @ 1:44 pm

Tam is controlling my music choices this morning. I started with Jesse McCartney’s Departure and now have started listening to Justin Timberlake.
By Enrico, November 6, 2009 @ 1:46 pm

Polt: We don’t support losers who make Britney cry!
By Tam, November 6, 2009 @ 1:53 pm

I wield great powers Ryan. Yet I choose not to abuse that power. You’ll notice there has been no mention of Sean Kingston or Pit Bull?
By The Ryan with the Cupcake, November 6, 2009 @ 1:59 pm

Tam: I’d prefer if you mention Mark Salling next.
By Tam, November 6, 2009 @ 2:00 pm

Ah yes, the adorable Puck. I still haven’t checked out his music yet. Remind me to do that. Since my Mom is visiting I’m sure I’ll forget for the next few days. Remind me Thursday kay?
By M. Nicodemus, November 6, 2009 @ 2:04 pm

*sigh* I am so out of touch with current pop music, if it isn’t on the classic rock station then I haven’t heard it (then again the only other local stations play country/western, that’s my excuse and I am sticking to it.) How about some Pearl Jam? *ducks head to avoid thrown objects*
By The Ryan with the Cupcake, November 6, 2009 @ 2:05 pm

Tam: I’ve added that to my calendar.
By Oz, November 6, 2009 @ 2:06 pm

The joke’s on you! You used it as an object pronoun instead of a subject pronoun this time, so “between me and my mom” is correct! Hahahahahaha.

That book is amazing btw.
By Tam, November 6, 2009 @ 2:15 pm

Nico: Wait till your kids are a bit older. You’ll be the hip Dad on the street then. Owl City anyone? If I hear rainbows in your veins or whatever the hell it is one more time I’ll scream.
By josh, November 6, 2009 @ 2:15 pm

I’m a playa…but it’s ok, cuz I got it like dat!
By Craig, November 6, 2009 @ 2:18 pm

Tam: “To ten million fireflies, I’m weird ’cause I hate goodbyes, I got misty eyes as they said farewell.”

I’m weird cause I hate goodbyes? Um, really? Aren’t goodbyes a bad thing? Someone’s stretching for a rhyme!
By Craig, November 6, 2009 @ 2:19 pm

Oh, and DAMN YOU Oz!
By The Ryan with the Cupcake, November 6, 2009 @ 2:30 pm

Craig: I can tell you have been working out by the strength of your text.
By Tam, November 6, 2009 @ 2:33 pm

Craig: Yeah, well, sometimes it’s all about the rhyme. But seriously, I’ve never gotten misty eyed over some dead bugs.

Kristen actually did a whole poetry project on Rainbow Veins for English class. Got an A+. In my day I had to study poetry by Keats and Dylan Thomas. Now its little twinky boys from Minesota who can rhyme really well. (Excuse me while I polish up my walker here.)
By Polt, November 6, 2009 @ 2:42 pm

M. Nico: Did you see the clip of Pearl Jam’s halloween concert? They dressed up as Devo and did “Whip It”. Coincidentally, I have that clip up at the Palace, so you can pop over and see it.

Tam: I’ve never heard of Rainbow Veins, which kinda makes me very happy actually. Although the little twinky boy from Minnesota statement did catch my interest….

HUGS…
By Polt, November 6, 2009 @ 2:44 pm

Oh, and Sassy josh, you wouldn’t sing Timberlake even IF you were accompanied by a cello?

HUGS…
By Craig, November 6, 2009 @ 2:46 pm

Ryan: Someone call the vet, cause these puppies are sick!

::flexes massive biceps::
By The Ryan with the Cupcake, November 6, 2009 @ 2:49 pm

Would you sing Timberlake wearing yellow?
Would you sing Timberlake accompanied by a cello?

No, I would not sing Timberface wearing yelloz.
I would not sing Timberface accompanied by celloz.
I do not like Timberface.
I do not like him, Poltergeizt.
By Craig, November 6, 2009 @ 2:55 pm

Bravo Ryan!
By Enrico, November 6, 2009 @ 3:31 pm

Rhyming poetry is for dummies. Unless you’re Anne Sexton.
By Polt, November 6, 2009 @ 3:33 pm

Yay, Cupcake! I luvez your poetry! For serialzskatrz!

HUGS…
By The Ryan with the Cupcake, November 6, 2009 @ 3:34 pm

That’s what happens when you spend most of your time within two miles of the Dr. Seuss collection.
By Craig, November 6, 2009 @ 3:53 pm

Rhyming poetry is THE ONLY poetry.
By Enrico, November 6, 2009 @ 4:15 pm

WRONG. Tell that to Sylvia Plath and Catie Rosemurgy, the two greatest poets ever!
By The Infamous Dr. Para, November 6, 2009 @ 4:32 pm

Wow, this is definitely going to be a Christmas gift for a friend of mine … the only thing that is bigger than his penis is his ego, so it’s perfect.
By hayden, November 6, 2009 @ 4:55 pm

Perfect….and I am guessing Tam (and her daughter) would know from their trip to the big apple seeing that the 3 of you spent a schlong night together over drinks and dinner…
By vuboq, November 6, 2009 @ 5:16 pm

Love the book! Perhaps you will post some excerpts later, Craig?

RE: Poetry. Rhyming poetry is the only poetry. Non-rhyming poetry is oddly formatted prose.
By john, November 6, 2009 @ 5:17 pm

Tam: I say it again: You are the BEST!

Craig: I’m so glad you opened that in front of your mother.
By Enrico, November 6, 2009 @ 7:28 pm

vuboq: Only formatted prose?!?! LOL!
Yeah…. Except that a book of prose features about 343,239 words that weren’t carefully chosen, usually is not focused on rhythm and sound, can not play with form in terms of enjambment and line breaks, and a million other different reasons. Go read some Anne Sexton, please!

Craig: You should post excerpts!
By Michelle M., November 6, 2009 @ 7:45 pm

Tam is awesome.
By Michelle M., November 6, 2009 @ 7:56 pm

Speaking of penises:
http://jezebel.com/5398993/um?autoplay=true
By Tam, November 6, 2009 @ 8:38 pm

Holy crap Michelle! 0_o
By Chris D., November 6, 2009 @ 8:56 pm

How thoughtful of Tam. You will have to do a follow-up post about what you have learned so that Enrico can benefit.

I am sure your mother couldn’t have been too surprised. If she ever checks out the comment section here she would see that the almighty Puntabuschlong is revered. She must be so proud that her son has a big dick on the Internet.
By john, November 6, 2009 @ 9:04 pm

Michelle M.: Where the hell did you find that video?!? Oh, forget it, don’t tell me!
By Polt, November 6, 2009 @ 9:49 pm

Hey, Craiggers, since I really know how to spend a Friday Night, I just went back and looked for the first time I commented. It was March 28, 2006! My GOD, that’s 3 years, 7 months and a few days.

I was with you before you got your current job, before you moved back home, when you still had posts with Natalie Portman, Your Wife (how is the old girl doing?), before the very first Super Viagra, and even 3 months before I started the Palace.

In fact, you may have been the inspiration for me to start it! I’m not sure if the world should thank you or curse you for that part.

And this can even be my birthday gift to you, which pales in comparison to the big penis book….but then everything would right?

HUGS, my longtime friend!
By Polt, November 6, 2009 @ 9:51 pm

I was so excited about finding the first comment, i totally forgot when I started the Palace….that was 2005, not 2006. So I can’t blame you for that. But everything else I wrote is totally true!!! Nonetheless, have an awesomely Puntabulous birthday!!!!

HUGS…
By The Ryan with the Cupcake, November 6, 2009 @ 10:01 pm

Polt: Craig told me that his wife is living in the garage these days.
By josh, November 6, 2009 @ 11:17 pm

My college degree and I agree with Enrico about poetry.
By Nicole, November 7, 2009 @ 8:59 am

that is kick-ass birthday present! Happy Birthday : )
By Stephen, November 7, 2009 @ 10:27 am

Brilliant!
By josh, November 7, 2009 @ 1:06 pm

For ur birfday, I’ma buy you both Lindsay Lohan CDs…aren’t I sooOoOoo NICE [feat. thoughtful]??!
By Mel, November 7, 2009 @ 11:10 pm

Did somebody call for a vet?
By Xi_Heather, November 8, 2009 @ 3:40 pm

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CRAIG!!!!!!!!!!
By goblinbox, November 8, 2009 @ 7:05 pm

Fucking hilarious! *falls out of her office chair laughing*

(The chair she shouldn’t be sitting in because it’s effin’ Sunday and even GHOD DOESN’T WORK ON SUNDAYS, and EVEN IF HE DID he probably wouldn’t be waist deep in a never-to-be-sufficiently-bedamned freakin’ nationwide DSL outage. My phone is BLOWING UP. Arrggh.)

*ahem*

Sorry.
By Andy, November 11, 2009 @ 8:07 pm

That book changed my life!