Dear Zach Galifianakis’s Beard,
I hate you. I loathe you with every fiber of my being. I despise you more than what is reasonable for a sane person to despise a semi-inanimate object attached to someone’s face. But let’s face it, you are ridiculous. Remember when Peter Griffin grew a beard on Family Guy? And everyone laughed because it was so ridiculous? And then three little birds hatched inside it, and there was that Boba Fett gag? Yeah, that was really funny. But mostly because beards of your size and nature are ridiculous. Like mullets and combovers, you are an unfortunate hairthing that is the butt of many jokes.
That was the stick. Now onto the carrot.
You may be thinking “Why is this crazy person writing to me and not to Zach Galifianakis himself? I’m just a beard, what can I do?” Well I’ll tell you why, Zach Galifianakis’s beard. Because obviously Zach Galifianakis doesn’t have the sense to get rid of you himself. I wish to appeal to your sense of decency, fair beard. I know you are large, and proud, and by all means, you have every right to be so. You are the Lou Ferrigno of beards! That is why you must let him go. No longer can you be tethered to a face of a mere mortal. No longer can you get food and drink spilled on you because I’m positive there is no way Zach Galifianakis is able to eat and drink without getting you dirty. You don’t deserve that! Pull yourself free from thine restraints and run free where you belong!
“But where will I go?” you may be asking yourself. That’s the beauty of it! It’s up to you! Perhaps community service? I’m sure there are loads of Amish who — like me — are unable to grow beards of their own. What shame they must feel! You could help them! Or perhaps just living the American dream is more your style? A decent living can surely be made as a brillo pad. And if you’re worried about being out on your own, fear not, I hear there is a nice Buffalo farm in South Dakota that would be happy to take you in.
After writing this letter, I must say, I don’t hate you. I admire you. Frankly, I am thankful to live in a world where beards like you are free to exist. But enough is enough. I can no longer accept that every single one of Zach Galifianakis’s roles requires him to have such a ridiculous beard.
You deserve better.
Sincerely,
Craig
So did somebody go see “The Hangover”? I’m thinking I’d kind of like to, though not for Zach Galiwhatsis. I just think Ed Helms is way adorkable and goofy funny. He’s also much cuter in real life, as I discovered when we were on a plane together a couple of years ago.
Okay, I had to google said hottie (?) to see the beard in all it’s glory and figure out who the hell he is. (He reminds me of Kevin, aka Cornelius Yukon on Top Chef.” And you have NO IDEA how badly I want to post this link on his WEBSITE just to see what happens.
Hmmm. You might have something on the bison farm, here is a quote from his bio “Sometimes I like to go to the zoo and ride on the backs of bison.” Holy crap, maybe he reads your blog, another quote “I dream of Iceland from time to time.” And Kari just HAPPENS to be in Iceland for the holidays. A coincidence? I think not. He’s on Facebook, friend him.
I’m not a beard fan but if you have one keep it trimmed like Jere and David. Grizzly Adams is so not hot.
Tam beat me to the Dan Haggerty reference, damn it!
“You can no longer be tethered to the face of a mere mortal.” Can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told *that*…
But, yes, I totally agree with you, Craig! Zach’s chin is a hot mess. And you *know* that little hairs from it get into stuff. Then you totally think it’s a pube sitting on that bowl of potato salad that he just passed to you…
Craig, did you drink too much rum flavored eggnog last night? I think you are losing it…
Tam: I too had to Google the owner of this beard, and… I still have no idea who he is. I haven’t seen anything he has been in, although I do want to see The Hangover. But I agree, beard owners please keep your beards trimmed. few things look as unkempt and unattractive as wild, out-of-control chin pubes.
Oh, and I am pretty sure that Kevin’s beard, as seen on Top Chef, has its own facebook page.
Aw! But I lurrrrve facial hairz! I wish I could grow a beard like that! But then I always wish for the ability to have designated facial hair disintegrate when I please so as to avoid ever having to shave again. It dragz me to hell and NOT in the good way!
Dave S.: Now I am picturing you tied up to the face of a sacrificial virgin at the altar of Eros… and it’s not a bad picture >;-)
Sure put down beards right before Christmas, you know everyone’s favorite sugar daddy, Santa, will not be pleased!
I had a beard for a while and it was a pain in the a55. I swear, I would take a shower and it would stay wet for hours no matter how much I tried to dry it out. I finally gave up on it.
I don’t mind facial hair on others, some people look better with it, but I agree, trimmed is best.
Josh: I agree about shaving! HATESES it! To this day, I can only shave every other day otherwise I rip my face apart. Plus, my beard is as gray as the rest of my head and I like having the baby face look.
A goatee’s fine, but I hate beards. I had a good friend who one winter grew his Jesus-beard, and that’s just what it looked like. Last winter he jsut let it grow out. It was like three or four inches out from his face in like a semicircle, from ear to ear all the way down his neck. He would take pens and pencils and slide them in it and they’d stay, it was that thick and tangley. Good for party fun, but pretty ugly all in all.
And I’m glad Craiggers can’t grow facial hair! Wouldn’t want anything marring the beauty that IS his mug!
HUGS….
Paul made a good point. Way to go Craig. Big piece of coal in your stocking this year. Did I say I didn’t like beards? Typo, I LOOOOVE beards, especially long white ones … on guys wearing red velvet suits.
Jesus-beard!
Zach’s beard does have an unfortunate buffalo fur look about it, and that is just making me crave buffalo burgers. Or just apples instead.
Beards, like pubes, are best kept neatly trimmed. And I despise shaving too Josh. Anyone know how much facial electrolysis costs?
Nico: LOL Eeww, but LOL.
As long as I’m not the sacrificial virgin, I’m okay! Oh, wait, I have kids, so I guess that’s kinda rules me out anyway…
Josh & John: I totally agree, I can’t stand shaving; luckily I can just barely get away with shaving every-other day (which usually means on Mondays and Wednesdays ’cause who cares on the weekend?) and even at that I maintain a goatee ’cause if I completely shave I look like I am 12 years old and that gets me all kinds of the wrong attention and seriously will this run-on sentence ever end?
Dave S.: Must resist urge to ask in appropriate questions…..
Oh, and Dave S. I would assume that the acolytes of Eros would be sacrificing the virginity of said sacrificial virgin rather than killing them. That would just be a waste of a good virgin.
M.Nico [feat. John]: I shouldn’t complain…I can get away with shaving only once a week and being alright. By the last day I have a mini-goatee and predominate baby ‘stache. I look mah best on about my 4th-5th day after shaving.
M. Nico: thank you for the clairification on the sacrificing! Made it MUCH more funnier!
A Dave S. sighting! Wow! That’s almost as rare and as newsworthy as the damn groundhog. Everyone waits with baited breath for when he finally appears and then we all cheer and applaud.
As to the shaving question: gotta do it every freakin’ day. I have 5:00 shadow about noon. I started shaving when I was like 14, had a long mutant freak hair in the middle of my chin. But I’ve been shaving everyday since like 17 or so. I hate being a bear! grrrr…
HUGS…
I shave maybe once a week, since my beard grows so darn slow. Which is fine with me — no facial hair makes me look younger.
Nico: If he/she is sacrificing his/her virginity, can I play the part of Eros?
Pretty please?
john [feat. Dave S.]: Yes. Yes, I do.
Polt: Wouldn’t want you to look like BearTwink…!
I use the electric shaver everyday. Hardly anything grows on my face though. It’s all on my neck. If I grew it out, I’d totally look like Abraham Lincoln.
First off, Craig, **THANKS** This needed to be said. And I can hardly imagine it being said better. Except that you were, if anything, at little TOO nice to the beard in the end. (That sounds awfully rude, but I didn’t mean it that way. Honest.)
Jonah: no, he’s not losing it. He’s performing a valid Essential Public Service. This blog post should be bronzed. And put on TV with one of those rainbow-shooting-star PSA logos.
Mel. I haven’t seen The Hangover yet but um DEFFOZ have to. Justin Bartha? Bradley Cooper? Hello!? I expect to be using the pause button a lot. A. LOT.
Tam and everybody else who says that a beard should be kept short & trimmed, 100% agree. And am deeply and abidingly saddened to have read on Jere’s twitter stream recently that he is thinking of shaving. I’m sure he’d still be handsome without, but he’s just so very very handsome with. Plus (thank you Facebook) I’ve read about the dent on the back of his head. Surely he must realize the beard provides much-needed distraction?
Craig — again. Just wanna say — thank you for shaving your neck. If there’s anything actually worse than the big shaggy Taliban-style beard Zach wears, it’s the Amish beard with no ‘stache, and if there’s anything worse than that, it’s the beard-only-on-the-neck-and-nowhere-else. That’s not a beard. I don’t know what it is. A neck wookie.
Myself, I stopped shaving at around 27 not because I thought it looked good, or even if I cared whether it looked good or not, but because I just got SICK OF SHAVING. Alas, I still do have to shave my neck. Gets too itchy otherwise. Thankfully I can go 3-4 days between shaves. Any more often and I’d be reduced to tears. I do keep my beard trimmed very short, though.
(Speaking of which … I’ve *always* had grey in my beard, even when I was 24. What is UP with that?)
Josh. I “lurrrrve facial hairz” too. Which is why I want Jere to keep his
As for you not being able to grow a beard, I’ve seen pix of you (thank you again, Facebook) with the little goatee. You look very, very cute in it. I bet you *do* look your best 4-5 days after shaving. Why stop there? Why shave at all? (And some day I have to have it explained to me what “being dragged to hell … in a good way” consists of…)
Justin: “neck wookie” BWAAHAHAHAHA!! That is my new phrase for the week.
Justin: I’m not sure what “being dragged to hell … in a good way” is either but I think it involves a demon and a “happy ending” if you know what I mean.
As a girl, we shave other areas but depending on your relationship status (or your willingness to be mistaken for a granola munching hippy) you can go long periods of time between shaves, especially in winter. Pants are my friend, since I have no “friend” to double check the leg hair status. I can’t afford to date, fancy schmancy razor blades are too damn expensive.
Neck wookie = Best thing ever!
For the record, I like my beard, too. It’s magic. But every so often it gets a little unruly and even trimming it doesn’t make it behave, so I shave it all off and let it grown back in immediately (or after doing a day or two of silly things). I’m thinking about shaving right now because we’ve almost reached the “unruly” point and because I could look like a crazy redneck in the family’s Christmas photos next week.
And in addition to the sexy abovementioned bearded gentlemen, Enrico has a really hot beard, too.
I think Vagina Girl and Super Viagra should have a beard growing contest in the new year.
Tam mmm yes I definitely do get the “happy ending” part. It’s the demon part, and the fact that hell is involved at all, that I’m still a *little* confused by, though I think I might be able to guess. But with regards to the impenetrable (and oh so very cultivated) mystery which is Josh, not having read the entire joshistrashy opus, needless to say (Josh is such a prolific writer, illiterate tho he claims to be), not to mention that there are no doubt clues peppered in comments he’s posted throughout all the other puntabagang blogs, FB, and elsewhere that I’d never be able to track down, I fear alas that I’m probably always going to remain just too uncool to get the joke
.
And … as for “fancy schmancy razor blades” … I’m faiiiiiirly sure that if you go the afforementioned “long periods of time between shaves”, the expense is actually rather minimal. I bet you can afford to date, as long as you date sparsely.
Craig Craig Craig. Neck-wookie (the actual referent) = WORST thing ever. “Neck wookie” (the signifier), damn good turn of phrase if I do say so myself
And I do.
Justin: impenetrable + Josh = me so going to hell (without a happy ending) for what just flashed through my head.
And from what I’ve read demons are hot, put one with an angel and watch out for sparks. (I read too much, I know.)
would Neck-Wookies battle the Empire with the aid of Shoulder-Ewoks?
Justin: “Drag Me to Hell” = one of mah favo moviez ever. So therefor, to be “dragged to hell” would to be somehow correlated in even a teeny way to that amazing movie…which would be awesome!
But if I’m pissed @ life and say I feel like I’m being dragged to hell (not in a good way), I mean that I literally feel like I’ being pulled into Hades and being tortured for all eternity, which is soooo not sexxxy.
Getz it?
OHHHHH *EM* EFF GEE. How did I miss that Sam Raimi made a movie WITH Justin Long in it?!?!?!?!?!?!
?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
I’ve *LOVED* Sam Raimi ever since Evil Dead II and Darkman. I can’t believe I missed that. *AND* it’s like 92% fresh on the tomatometer.
*Added and bumped to top of Netflix queueueue*
Thanks! And yes, gotz it.
Oh, and Tam? Heh. Yes, I get the reference. Très très drôle.
Most everyone was dragged to hell in a good way by Drag Me to Hell. I on the other hand was dragged to hell in a bad way by Drag Me to Hell. Just wasn’t as good as everyone was saying it would be.
Whoa whoa whoa! Hold up Craiggerz…if I do remember, you said you thought it was “ok.” Wasn’t great, but you did enjoy it a little. Don’t completely slam it now Mr. Man! I would say that it dragged you to hell in a decent way.
Fine. I’ll settle for: It dragged me to wal-mart. Not quite hell, but almost.
So I’m assuming you don’t like Ross’ beard (from my birthday blog)?
Josh: Craig is a dummy and a half for not being dragged to hell by DMTH, but at least he understands that being dragged is a good thing! The next time someone uses it in a negative sense I am going to scream.
Poquito Enriquito, if that happens, will you post a video of yourself screaming?
& Paul — I still haven’t forgiven you for the shoulder ewoks comment. The supperannuated male cannot be blamed for the annoying shift of hair from scalp to places where it does not belong (ears, shoulders, back). Don’t make fun of our tragedy!!!
Justin: Ugh, can we aviod talking about the back banthas and ear tauntauns? I am already in a constant struggle trying to keep the shoulder ewoks in line, I don’t want to even think about what beasts I will have to deal with as I get older.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s all horrible. But no point in sugar-coating what the future has in store for the young.
Ok, the point of sugar-coating would be “ignorance is bliss”, so I’m performing some definite bliss-reduction here. Which I guess it bad. What can I say? Drag me to hell, I guess! (Whether it’s in a good way or a bad way I leave up to you.)