So me, Meg, Rachel, and Lance went to see Legion last night. All indications pointed to it being awful and we knew that going in. The trailers were awful, the reviews were awful, and my aunt said it was atrocious. But we went anyway because we’re cool like that and man was it awful! But seriously, I don’t think I’ve had that much fun in a movie in a long time. At one point, I was laughing so hard I could barely catch my breath. And it was sad because you just knew the makers thought they were making this awesome, badass movie.
So what was so bad about it? Well, there will be loads of spoilers in this review, so stop reading if you’re avoiding them. First off, everyone kept talking so dramatically and taking… all these… dramatic… pauses… that it took them forever to say anything! That was the main indication that these people thought they were making a masterpiece. And it’s not even like the action was good either. You could hardly see anything that was going on. At times, the camera would just focus on the guns firing for about 1 minute straight with no indication of where they were shooting or who was getting shot. Oh! And at one point Paul Bettany pulled out a bazooka out of nowhere! It was seriously something out of Airplane! So so so ridiculous.
And the story made absolutely no sense. God gives up on humanity and decides to wipe it out. But instead of sending a flood like last time, he sends the angels to take over human bodies and essentially turn them into zombies to kill a baby who will save humanity. Okay first off, didn’t the flood work out really well last time? Like, really well. So why doesn’t God just stick with that? Secondly, they tried to do this whole Terminator, the baby saves mankind kinda thing. But then God calls off the apocalypse at the end because Paul Bettany showed him the error of his ways or something, so the baby did absolutely nothing. Way to be completely useless, baby!
Oh, and Gabriel (played by Kevin Durand who was not shirtless once and had a seriously funky accent) comes at the end to be the bad guy and kick Paul Bettany’s ass, which begs the question: Why didn’t all the other angels do that? Why did they have to take over human bodies where they were able to get shot and die? Like, Gabriel was super strong and nearly invincible (His wings were bulletproof! He came back from the dead about twenty times!). Why didn’t all the other angels just come as they were? Like, my brains hurts just thinking about it.
And they couldn’t even give me the one scene I wanted with all the angels flying like the hawkmen in Flash Gordon! All day I was singing “dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun!” in anticipation! Oh, and Addison was there which made me sad because not only was she banished to a terrible spinoff show, but now she’s appearing in awful movies. And there was a character named Jeep. Jeep! The only good thing about the movie was the old lady scene, which was a lot longer than what you see in the trailer and was actually pretty amusing. But that was it. Otherwise, it was a hysterical piece of crap.
Great. You just saved me $12. I owe ya. Maybe even God gets bored of the same old same old and decided to try something new. I’m sure he learned his lesson. Glad you had fun.
Definitely looks like an awful flik. Doubtful I will see it in theater…or rent it for that matter. It’s kind of a shame because I’d really like to see a good movie that involves angels.
One of my favorite books is “This Present Darkness” by Frank Peretti. Angels vs. Demons mixed in with the daily lives of humans. Now if a good Hollywood studio could back that one up it would be pretty wild (especially in the special effects department). Unfortunately, the other movies which were based on his books were fairly awful. I hope that changes!
What’s the next movie you’re off to see?
I might see Avatar again while it’s still in theaters, since you know it won’t be as good on TV. Otherwise The Wolfman looks like fun, even though I’m a bit nervous with all the delays it’s had. You?
I, like Tam, am thankful for saving me the money. It did look awful, but I thought it could have been entertaining. I won’t be seeing this.
Maybe Gabriel was different because he is an Archangel?
I don’t know. They did show a flock of angels up in Heaven (which was a fortress btw) and they all looked pretty much the same as him.
Sadly, I really wanted to see this when I first saw the trailer months ago. As the months passed, I forgot about it but eventually a new trailer came and it was then I realized that it was going to be utter shit and sorta gave up on it. This review combined with my sister telling me Sunday night “Me and the wife walked out on that piece of shit, I was embarrassed for anyone who stayed to watch it,” sorta cements that I’ll be ignoring this movie completely.
Ha! I loved the scene in Flash Gordon, I remeber running around the yard as a kid screaming “Hawkmen……………..Diiiiiive!!!”
Well if anything you got a good laugh out of a bad movie.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VnTHypbLlkE
“Vat do you mean, Flash Gordon approaching? OPEN FIRE! AAAAALLL the weapons! Dispatch war racket Ajax to bring back his bood-ie!” All I LOVED General Kala. Who wouldn’t love a powerful woman in skin tight leather and a Russian accent?
Legion? Huh, what? Seriously? If God had given up on us, how was a baby supposed to save us? I beleive the Bible does say that God promised he’d never take us out with water again, so maybe that’s why he didn’t do a flood. but with all the nukes laying around like logs in a forest, ya think he coulda set a few of those off. Or hell, just snapped his fingers and we’d be gone. he IS omnipotent and all powerful after all.
Oh, well, I’ll just go back to Flash Gordon. “Flash, Flash, I LOVE you, but we only have 14 hours to save the Earth!”
HUGS…
I’m with ya on seeing Avatar again. Not sure if I’ll get a chance though. I’d like to see it on the IMAX screen in 3D. I love that theater. The last movie I saw there was Christmas Story in 3D, which doesn’t exactly compare to Avatar.
Slightly off topic, but I love me a man in wings which was perhaps why this movie was appealing to me, but would obviously be a miss. Or maybe a bad boy in wings?
They should make a film about God getting bored wiff all these poop-filled movies that keep getting made! He sends a swarm of Rhonettas down from heaven to seduce all the lame movie directors wiff their euphoric voices before bashing their faces in with sparkle kickz! Now that’s sumfing I would pay some dough for. Cookie dough…
“Way to be completely useless, baby!” Love it.
I also love the idea of a swarm of Rhonettas.
I hope you don’t mean Rhonetta Johnson, now that would be a horror flick, a swarm of cheap blond wigs and cooter views comming down on us, just the thought of it makes me want to skip lunch.
Paul: Rhonetta is one of mah four favorite people in the entire world, along with Victoria, Steven the Beautiful and the soon-to-be-unleashed upon the world, Maxine Swaby!
I had no intention of seeing this crap-fest so you didn’t save me any money, but at least your review was entertaining.
Pardon me……
When it’s available on Netflix in, like, a week, maybe I’ll watch it just for the laughs. But seriously, God is also the Antichrist, when the Christ baby is actually also God? And they didn’t see this as a problem?
Oooh, Tam I swear to all the arc-angels, you and I could be twins! I TOO love me a sexy man-angel. Got a whole file of them saved. Mayhap I’ll have to do a Monday’s Hot Shirtless Guy Photos of angel men?
Swarms of Rhonettas, I believe, are listed in the Bible as a sign of the Apocoplypse. Something like that occurs after the fourth trumpet is blown or the sixth scroll read or something, I’m sure. I’m not really up on my Revelations.
HUGS…
Every apocalypse movie should be required to ask itself, why would God do that?
When the Lamb opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth living creature say, “Come!” I looked and there before me was a pale horse! Its rider was named Death, and Hades was following close behind him. They were given power over a fourth of the earth to kill by Rhonetta, Victoria and Steven the Beautiful, and by the Maxine Swabys of the earth.
Ah, Hades: the forgotten horseman.
Mildly NSFW: Ryan Kwanten from True Blood in angel wings.
good to know that the Marshalls in heaven has Calvins
Paul: I was thinking too bad heaven has Calvins.
Wings? There’s wings there? I don’t think my eyes can make it up that high…
HUGS…
Doing happy dance.
I LOVE dancing! So much! But only the kind that is cheap and slutty and involves a stripper pole COVERED in tearz & beauty vomit.
josh: I’m trying to decide if it is sad or hilarious that my mind instantly started thinking about how to interpret your comment in an even more dirty way.
“But only the kind that is cheap and slutty and involves a stripper pole COVERED in tearz & beauty vomit.”
Kinda like Britney’s Gimme More video.
Cupcake: I thought that by making sure to specify the pole as being a “stripper pole” that you folkz wouldn’t be able twist my comment into sumfing involving dark alley BJz and hooker cash. But of course, the depths of Puntabulous’ dementia has surprised me.
Craiggerz: It feels like the crowd is sayin’… [feat. sexxxual moaningz]
Sassy josh: I’m not exactly sure what you mean about this dancing with the teared, vomited pole thingee. Why don’t you take a video demonstrating it for me? Totally for educational purposes, mind you.
HUGS…
We were separated at birth Polt. Except for the hair thing.
Legion doesn’t sound like my kind of flick.
I still want to see Avatar in IMAX 3D. I haven’t seen it at all yet. I have not seen an IMAX movie in ages, and never seen a 3D one. I think I will see it next week. There is an IMAX theater near me that has a late night weekday show. That is my preferred viewing time since I dislike watching movies with crowds of annoying kids.
Chris & Matt — *TOTALLY* see Avatar in IMAX 3D. That’s the best way. But make sure you get there early so you get to sit far back enough **AND*SIT*IN*THE*CENTER**!!!!! Otherwise you may get motion-sick and the 3D effect ends up being distracting rather than effective.
Sam Worthington on an IMAX screen. There *IS* no screen too big for Sam Worthington. *happy sigh*
Josh — what exactly *IS* “beauty vomit”?
Justerz: “Beauty vomit” is what pretty people spit up when they want to look better than they already do. Extracting said bile-nectar generally requires a toothbrush and a blatant disregard for one’s personal health.
So was the music cheese-tastic, or was the reference to the (modern) Flash Gordon film just there to remind me of how far Queen fell going from “A Day At the Races” to “Hot Space”?
Aaahhhhh I actually understand your definition of “Beauty vomit”, Josherz. Très drôle
TwoPi — there was a height that Queen had to fall FROM? I must have missed that. I was too busy keeping my fingers jammed in my ears…
Justin: Don’t be dissin’ the Queen, there was a whole generation head banging in their cars to classic Queen (I may or may not have had the prerequisite long 80′s hair at the time.)
There was indeed. But my memories of Bohemian Rhapsody go back to the 70s. Memories of the 70s make me nauseous
*shudder*
You managed to retain memories? You weren’t living the 70s a la mode, so to speak.
As campy as they were, the 70s did manage to produce some fine music (of both the rock and dance variety).
Josh: I know this is late but, “Don’t go ‘Beauty vomiting’, tryin to please me, I Luv you just the way you are!”
OK, it was a lame reference, but I do think you are a sweetie!
TwoPi — yes I was a colossal nerd. No sex, no drugs, very little rock and roll. Granted, I was constantly surrounded by second-hand pot smoke. You couldn’t go 10 feet without breathing in somebody’s pot smoke. The smell of pot smoke makes me nauseous. That, along with the memories of the browns, yellows, mustards, oranges, and more browns, which constituted virtually the entire colour palette of the 70s, and the memories of the smell of polyester on a hot day, and the memories of the lapels, the hair, the mutton chops, the porn ‘staches; ugh.
There are a FEW pieces of music from the 70s that I don’t hate. Very few. Overall it was overwrought, overproduced, and pretentious. I didn’t like rock or pop in the 70s. That just helped fuel my nerdy / out-of-touch persona.
The first music I ever liked was disco. I still love disco. I don’t care who knows.
In college I had some friends who, though also nerds, were cool — at least about music. I got turned onto punk / new wave / underground. Of course these genres began in the 70s but are mostly associated in most people’s minds with the early 80s. By the early 80s I was totally into “alternative” — mostly highly emo stuff like The Smiths and The Cure. My musical taste is still kind of stuck in the late 80s/early 90s.
In college I had a freakin’ rich friend who lived on Park Avenue in Manhattan in a penthouse apartment (and who still lives on her trust fund) and, who, tho also a nerd, and somebody who wasn’t into music and didn’t (and doesn’t) dance, used to go to Studio 54. And see various celebrities that she would talk about. To this day I’m kicking myself that I never took her up on her invitations. WHAT WAS I THINKING?!
Thanks for the tip, I’m still going to see it. Because I know I’m gonna love it in spite of its many flaws!