Monthly Archives: March 2010

Things Worse Than Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland

March 30, 2010
By

WonderlandHeader
Hangnails, terrorism, Tony Hawk, Joey, wet blankets, David Caruso, paper cuts, broken umbrellas, Bella Swan, the first 5 minutes of Alien 3, the rest of Alien 3, dating actors, red 40, office coffee, the haircuts in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Lotus Notes, the robot montage at the end of Battlestar Galactica, the expansion of the 9-5 workday, the Electoral College, Rodimus Prime, laugh tracks, House of Sand and Fog.

And that’s about it. Can someone please reign in Tim Burton, please? He’s genius when he needs to be, or given the right material, but otherwise he is just ridiculous, and not in a good way. Alice in Wonderland was horrifically bad. There’s this scene at the end where Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter does the most random and ludicrous dance ever put to film. And that about sums up my feelings for the movie: a random and ludicrous dance. Can we have Batman Returns and Big Fish Tim Burton back please?

Comment (44) on this Entry

Spoonfuls of Random Stuff

March 26, 2010
By

LongWayHomeHeader
1. So I finished the first five Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Season 8 graphic novels. They’re really good! The artwork is incredible and very close to the actors we know and love while still being comic booky. My favorite storylines so far have probably been the Faith series in No Future For You and the Japanese vampires in Wolves at the Gate. Dawn vs Mecha-Dawn while Andrew was cheering on was genius! My least favorite was probably the Fray storyline in Time of Your Life. I just didn’t connect with the future world or Fray at all. If you’re a Buffy fan, I definitely recommend checking these out!

2. Kimi told me that Cheerios is hosting children’s book contest so I think I’m gonna enter How to Change the World. Wish me luck!

3. Going through my old stories, I reread The Girl from Cedarwood Drive. I forgot how much I liked this one. I don’t think it would work as a children’s book though, but maybe I’ll enter it just for kicks since there’s no limit on how many stories you can enter.

4. A ton of people sent me this link. I wonder why?

5. Caprica mid-season finale tonight! It’s such a great show! Last episode with Daniel trying to draw out Zoe was amazing! I could use some more badass Tamara though.

6. The Ben and Sawyer episodes of Lost were a bit lackluster in my opinion (I’d watch a Sawyer and Miles buddy cop show though!) but this week’s Richard Alpert episode was fantastic! It’s amazing how they were able to make us care for such a mysterious character so quickly. Nestor Carbonell rocked the shiz out of that episode.

7. 24 getting canceled? Say it isn’t so! 8 seasons later (though I never saw 1 and 2) and I’m still loving it! I know it’s the same thing over and over again, but it’s just such great comfort food. Mmmm, yummy, explodey comfort food.

8. I’ve settled on a story for the origins of Super Viagra and have started working on it. It’s just a bit slow going because there is so much good television on.

9. So tempting! 32″ 1080p LCD with built in blu-ray player for $499! That’s a good price for a 32″ 1080p alone! The built in blu-ray is like a bonus! But they always get you with warranties and special cables, it’d probably be a $800 purchase after all was said and done. Sad trombone.

10. A friend at work has never seen Aliens. Can you believe it?! So I lent him the DVD. He has such a treat in store for him. To reciprocate he lent me Goonies, which I’ve never seen and will watch this weekend.

Comment (40) on this Entry

I Got Tagged, Yo!

March 23, 2010
By

Okay so Josh tagged me in this photo post thingamajig. And while I don’t usually do the whole tagged post thing I’m desperate for posts I find Josh’s charms irresistible! So here are the rules:

1. Go to your first photo file and pick the 10th photo in it.
2. Tell the story behind the photo.
3. Tag 5 other people to do likewise.

And here is my picture:

PhotoTag

This is from the trip to Vermont I went on with my friends Robin, Jenn, and Aaron. We rented a cottage on the water and they had this raft that wasn’t inflated so we took it to a store to get it inflated and this is how we got it home. There’s even a video of us getting it home, the ending of which I will spoil after the video below, so don’t read on if you want to see the video first.

So yeah, the raft had a big hole in it, so it was pretty much deflated when we got back to the cottage. Sad trombone.

Now time for me to tag people!

Chris from Perspectologist
M. Nico from Under the Rosebush
Jake from Hm, What’s That?
David from Limerent Lad
S from Human Nature

Comment (20) on this Entry

Terminator Salvation is a Good Movie!

March 22, 2010
By

SalvationHeader
So I watched Terminator Salvation again on DVD. The movie only got 31% on Rotten Tomatoes, only made $125 Million in theaters (which is tiny given it’s $200 Million budget), and is generally reviled by the science fiction community. But I happened to like it when I saw it in theaters. In fact, I liked it a lot. But with all the shit that rained down upon it, I wondered how it would hold up on DVD. Had I just been distracted by all the cool action that I didn’t realize what a crapfest I was watching? Well by the name of this post, I’m pretty sure you have already guessed that the movie did hold up and I still stand by my opinion that it is in fact a really good movie.

Now I know what you’re thinking. “But Craig! You own Barb Wire and Catwoman on DVD! You can’t be trusted!” And yes, I own those movies, and yes, I do enjoy them, but I know the difference between a good bad movie, and a good good movie, and Terminator Salvation is a good good movie! Now I think part of it is that people hold up the Terminator movies as the pinnacle of great action scifi. But frankly, I don’t. They’re great movies, but I don’t revere them as some seem to do. They’re prolonged chase movies, plain and simple.

Maybe that explains why I was able to enjoy Terminator: Rise of the Machines as well. I don’t expect as much from Terminator movies as others seem to do. Maybe that’s why I can also overlook the silliness of an enormous robot being able to sneak up on people in a dilapidated 7-11 without anyone (the audience included) hearing 20 ton footsteps approaching, the randomness of a young girl who seems to be, hmmm, I’m not exactly sure what’s she’s supposed to be, and the annoyingness of Christian Bale using his Batman voice which is barely even tolerable when he’s in a cape and cowl.

But there is so much good in this movie, that it hugely outweighs the bad. You all loved Sam Worthington in Avatar, now you can enjoy him even more in Terminator Salvation! He’s by all means the star of the movie, and puts Christian Bale’s John Connor to shame. Sam and Moon Bloodgood’s storyline was by far much more interesting and heartfelt than Christian and Bryce Dallas Howard’s. Anton Yelchin makes a great Kyle Reese, and you genuinely feel a swell of excitement when he meets John Connor for the first time. And yeah, the action was pretty darn great too.

So yeah, Terminator Salvation is by no means perfect, and yes, it left the production company in financial ruin and they were forced to sell the Terminator name for approximately the same price as the Louisiana Purchase, but it’s damn good, and a fine addition to the Terminator franchise. So if you’ve been avoiding it because you’ve heard such terrible things, give it a try and see for yourself. You won’t be disappointed.

Other movies with bad reputations that I thoroughly enjoy on a good good level, not a good bad level include: Superman Returns and Australia. What are some of yours?

Comment (26) on this Entry

The Complete and Utter Moron’s Guide to Surviving the Future

March 16, 2010
By

guidefutureheader2
Wormholes are common and often bring unsuspecting victims from the cruel and unforgiving past into the crueler and unforgivinger future. It is the goal of this guide to give those poor fools a fighting chance.

TODAY’S EDITION: RELIGION OF THE FUTURE!

“Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match
for a good blaster at your side, kid.”
–Han Solo

In the year 2372, tired of the wars that ravaged our planet since it’s creation, God made Himself known to us once and for all and took His mortal form on Earth to teach His creations the beauty and passion of peace. Unfortunately for us, God’s mortal form is that of a monkey, and His lessons came in the form of flying feces. The one good thing that came out of His appearance was that it settled the debate between Evolutionists and Creationists proving both were right. God did in fact create us in His image and then we evolved from there. When asked what the meaning of life was, God meditated in solitude for three days, and when He finally emerged He looked upon the eager crowd and replied “Eee, eee, ooo, ooo, eee.”

When the Culcari (May They use the drumsticks of little drummer boys as toothpicks to get the little bits of little drummer boys out from in between Their teeth.) invaded in the year 2681, they denounced all religions and declared themselves gods. Such a proclamation would have have been deemed ludicrous had they not eaten Bobo the chimp — also known as God — as they did so.

The main belief behind the Culcari (May Their oil last fifty nights, so that you may see Them laughing at your puny seven night lasting oil.) religion is that the universe was created by the Almighty Culcar as a gift to his children, the first Culcari so that They had a playground to create playthings to play with, which is generally what someone does with playthings. It is said that humans were created after a group of Culcari (May no fruit be forbidden from Their lipless bite.) played the game Who Can Create the Gayest Thing? Each of the Culcari presented their creations to the Almighty Culcar. And so the scripture reads:

And lo, the Almighty Culcar beheld a many gay things that day: a unicorn, a fairy, a boatshoe, but none gayer than the human race.

From that day onward, the creation of man was celebrated as a day of joy and triumph. In fact, it was on this holiday in the year 2681 that the Culcari (May They suck the fat out of Buddha and leave him a huddled mass of skin and bone.) invaded Earth. What better way to celebrate the supreme gayness of humanity than by making them your bitch? Onward, the holiday is celebrated with a feast and gladiatorial tournament of humans versus humans. The fiercest humans from around the world battle in a vast arena to the delight of humans and Culcari alike. When the final human stands triumphant, they are quickly vanquished and eaten by the Culcari Overlords (May They desecrate the Kaaba and use it as a Rubik’s Cube, and when They get frustrated with the Rubik’s Cube, may They smash you with it.) as a reminder to all humans that even their strongest warriors are very, very gay by Culcari standards.

While the Culcari religion is a universal mandate, small pockets of most other religions survive to this day, though they are forced to live in secret for fear of persecution. It is these small pockets, these humans who still have faith — faith in God, faith in science, or faith in the human spirit — that are the biggest thorn in the Culcari’s (May Their apocalyptic flood waters never recede.) scaly, muscular sides.

Comment (30) on this Entry

How to Resurrect My Favorite Shows

March 12, 2010
By

BSGResurrectHeader
Why must television shows end? Why can’t they go on forever and ever and ever? Well I was talking to my friend Jim the other day and we were talking about shows we want to bring back, and it got me thinking about how I’d bring back some of my old favorites. Here are some of my ideas, and note that they’re not remakes or reboots, they’re continuations. Just keep in mind, it’ll have spoilers for how these shows ended.

Show: Alias
Format: Jennifer Garner is a must, but I just don’t see her coming back for a weekly series. So I think a Torchwood: Children of Earth type five night miniseries would be perfection.
Premise: Last we saw them, Sydney and Vaughn were living happily ever after on some beach somewhere. I think it’s gonna take something major to bring them out of retirement, and unfortunately, as much as I like Dixon, I think his death would be just the thing we needed to get our superspy couple out of retirement. The conspiracy would start off small, but soon it would be revealed that Rambaldi and the Alliance were behind everything. And maybe – just maybe – Irina Derevko could be brought back so she could get a better send off than what we got in the original series finale. Oh, and no, their kids would not get kidnapped, or anything stupid like that. They’d be at the babysitters and never seen.

Show: Veronica Mars
Format: Made-for-TV or direct to DVD movie. I just don’t see anyone authorizing the budget needed for a theatrical movie or a completely new series.
Premise: Okay, so Veronica only stayed at Hearst for a year before going someplace else and finishing college then joining the FBI. She can even make a snarky comment about how much Hearst sucked, because let’s face it, Season 3 just wasn’t nearly as good as the others. I’m gonna say that Veronica hasn’t been back home in 10 years, and the thing that gets her there is the abduction of her father. What would happen then is a cooler version of The Da Vinci Code, where we find out her father was caught up in some crazy case, and he left behind a trail of clues for Veronica to find. Since it’s Veronica Mars, all the clues are hidden with pop culture references and Veronica and her new FBI world is forced to blend with her old Neptune life in order to find her father and stop the bad guys.

Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Format: This ones a bit trickier to call because they’re writing the Season 8 graphic novels (I’m on Volume 2 so far, and they are awesome!) and we still don’t know how it’s all gonna end, so I’m thinking a standalone movie is the way to go. Preferably a $200 million production.
Premise: The graphic novels are canon, so we need to acknowledge them to a certain extent, but I wouldn’t want the movie to just be a recreation of them, so it would have to take place after Season 8. And since we don’t know how they end, I’d just like to say that as much as I enjoy the idea of an army of slayers, I’d want Buffy to be the only slayer again. There’s just something about that core group of actors and characters that is just so much fun watching them literally take on the world, and I think an army of slayers would take away from that. They’ve already faced the First, so what could happen that would warrant a movie? I’m thinking something biblical in nature. Buffy and the Scoobies vs. God! And God and the Devil will be played by Simon Pegg and Nick Frost.

Show: Strangers with Candy
Format: Strangers with Candy was made for short nonsensical episodes. It just doesn’t work in the longer format as seen in the Strangers with Candy movie, which was just okay. I think another season of 10 to 20 half hour episodes are just what the stranger doctor ordered.
Premise: Why mess with a good thing? Jerri Blank in high school being taught and trying to teach life’s lessons. What else do you need? And I think there have been enough changes in life (iPods, Facebook, etc) that there would be plenty of fodder for Strangers to tear apart. Oh, and I don’t care if he’s busy, Steve Colbert is a must.

Show: Battlestar Galactica
Format: No need for a new series, or big screen movie. I think a SciFi SyFy movie and DVD release just like they did with The Plan would be perfect. Except not The Plan, because that sucked.
Premise: I’m not crazy about the post series movies that just fill in gaps, but there is one big gap I would like filled. Wink. I want the story of the original Earth and the Final Five Cylons. Essentially the first Earth was a planet full of skin jobs who created their own cylons who overthrew them. Tell us that story. Tell us about the war between skin jobs and cylons. Tell us about the Final Five creating resurrection technology. Tell us about their journey to the 12 colonies, and their creation of the other eight skin jobs. Fill that gap!

Shows: Pushing Daisies, Firefly, Arrested Development
Format: Weekly series and more Firefly movies.
Premise: Everything stays exactly the same, and we all act like their previous cancellations were just a bad dream.

What show would you bring back, and how would you do it?

Comment (55) on this Entry

Do I Have to Walk?

March 9, 2010
By

Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law is an amazing show that was on Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim for three seasons. In each episode Harvey Birdman would do his lawyer thing for a different classic cartoon character. In this one, the Jetsons go back in time to sue civilization for global warming. Here’s one of my favorite clips from the entire series:

I highly recommend netflixing this show if you haven’t seen it. I personally believe it’s the best Adult Swim original content there’s ever been.

Comment (56) on this Entry

My Grand Sledding Adventure!

March 8, 2010
By

So we went sledding this weekend. It’s been a few years since I’ve done it, but I mean, how hard can it be? Oh right, first let’s talk about the kids. Blah, blah, blah, children are the future, their laughter gives angels wings, yada, yada, yada. Here’s my brother John and his boys Jack and Matthew:

Sledding01

Here’s Ryan who just turned one. We sent him down the triple black diamond slope. I think we enjoyed it more than he did.

Sledding01

Okay, but the real event was when I, Craig, King of All Snow Sports, took my turn down the hill.

Sledding01

There was a hushed silence as I started my descent. So many questions were asked that would soon be answered. Why wasn’t Uncle Craig in the Olympics? What does a sonic boom sound like? Will he wet his pants?

Sledding01

Now here you will see me reach the bottom of the hill. It’s a little hard to see, but my back is arched like that because I’m currently soaring over an enormous ramp.

Sledding01

Here, I’ve drawn you a schematic:

Sledding01

Something tells me you’re still not quite getting it. So I had a highly sophisticated digital artist render an approximation of the events that took place:

Sledding01

And here’s the aftermath. It’s amazing I could maintain such composure after nearly losing consciousness from briefly leaving the stratosphere.

Sledding01

Perhaps I should give up my professional status as a Supreme Snow Sporter so I can compete in the 2012 Olympics? Meh, seems unfair to everyone else.

Comment (23) on this Entry

Legend of the Guardians – Trailer

March 7, 2010
By

Here’s a trailer for Zack Snyder’s upcoming movie Legend of the Guardians. Apparently it’s based on a series of books called The Guardians of Ga’hoole, which I’ve never heard of. But this trailer pretty much screams “Watch me Craig, you will love me.”

I think it’s really cool to see owls in a different way than we’re used to, since they’re usually shown as stuffy and dull. And I generally love the flashiness of Zack Snyder, even if there isn’t too much substance behind it. I for one enjoyed 300 and Watchmen thoroughly.

Comment (20) on this Entry

Pride and Prejudice and Random Stuff

March 5, 2010
By

PPZHeader
1. I just can’t seem to get into Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. It started off fun with the subtle training references, and the random zombie appearances, but it just isn’t enough to sustain my interest. I mean, I feel like I’m just reading plain old Pride and Prejudice. And even though I’ve been telling myself that I’m going to read the plain old Pride and Prejudice for years, it’s just not the fun train reading I want after a long day at the office. Plus I’ve seen the BBC series a billion times, and it’s pretty much word for word, so do I really need to read the book?

2. So I ordered the first five Buffy the Vampire Slayer season 8 graphic novels from Amazon instead. They should be coming any day now. I almost got them at Borders for $15.99, but luckily I checked Amazon first and they’re ten something each. Much better.

3. Survivor is really good this season. I was kinda dreading this season since I’m not crazy about when they bring back old players (plus after 20 seasons I’m pretty worn out) but it’s been really fun and I’m glad I stuck with it.

4. The Oscars are this weekend. I’d be happy if Avatar won everything, but I have a feeling it won’t do what Return of the King did and may get upset by The Hurt Locker, which I never saw and really don’t have any interest. I’d really like Sandra Bullock to win. I don’t really care about The Blind Side, but I just really like her, and does Meryl really need another win? Oh, and then there’s this movie called Precious. Whatever. Has anyone even heard of it? But then again, maybe I won’t see the Oscars at all since Cablevision and ABC are fighting.

5. Lost is amazing this season. I’m loving the parallel universe thing they’ve got going on and the way they’re weaving the characters together in the “normal” world. I know people are upset that they’re not focusing strictly on answering questions one by one, but that would be awful storytelling, and these episodes have been reminding me of the glory days of season 1. Only ten more episodes left!

6. My Mom is on Facebook now. I’m pretty sure that’s a sign of the impending apocalypse. But we all encouraged her to do it (well, for my Dad to set it up for her) completely forgetting the impact this would have on me. Seems like every time I get situated with my DVD and snuggie, I get called down to teach her how to get back home, or update something, or copy and paste something else. The ongoing joke is that once you teach her how to do something, she says “That’s great, now I know.” But then I get called down to show her again the next day. So now we just end all our sentences with “Now I know.”

7. My new iPhone app addictions are the games DoodleJump and Surfacer. Learn em, love em. Also, if you have the game Words with Friends and want to play with me, my username on there is Puntabulous.

8. I won’t bore you with full Babylon 5 movie reviews (did I suddenly grow a conscience?) but I watched The Gathering and In the Beginning and they were both great. It was fun to see The Gathering after everything else so the changes that were made between the original pilot and the series became that much more prominent. I’m glad Laurel Takashima was replaced by Susan Ivanova. I may have grown to like Laurel, but her acting was pretty damn atrocious, and her character boring in this. Oh, and Delenn was freaky looking. Glad they softened her up for the series. In the Beginning was also a fun look at the Earth/Mimbari war. We didn’t learn too much information we didn’t already know, but for some reason it didn’t bother me as much as Battlestar Galactica’s The Plan, which I thought was pretty pointless.

Comment (21) on this Entry

Search

Recent Comments

Daily Reads

Tag Cloud

Adam Birthday Books Cartoons Christmas Chronicles of Narnia Co-Op Comics Commercial Dilbert DVDs Enrico Frank-n-Blog Fringe Funny or Die Glee Graphic Novels Harry Potter Inception Joss Whedon Lists Lord of the Rings Mom Money Movies MSPaint Music Natalie Portman Next Generation Peeves Photos Puntabugang Really!?! Reviews Robin Star Trek Star Wars Super Viagra Teach Me Television True Blood Vagina Girl Videos X-Men YouTube