Wormholes are common and often bring unsuspecting victims from the cruel and unforgiving past into the crueler and unforgivinger future. It is the goal of this guide to give those poor fools a fighting chance.
for a good blaster at your side, kid.”
–Han Solo
In the year 2372, tired of the wars that ravaged our planet since it’s creation, God made Himself known to us once and for all and took His mortal form on Earth to teach His creations the beauty and passion of peace. Unfortunately for us, God’s mortal form is that of a monkey, and His lessons came in the form of flying feces. The one good thing that came out of His appearance was that it settled the debate between Evolutionists and Creationists proving both were right. God did in fact create us in His image and then we evolved from there. When asked what the meaning of life was, God meditated in solitude for three days, and when He finally emerged He looked upon the eager crowd and replied “Eee, eee, ooo, ooo, eee.”
When the Culcari (May They use the drumsticks of little drummer boys as toothpicks to get the little bits of little drummer boys out from in between Their teeth.) invaded in the year 2681, they denounced all religions and declared themselves gods. Such a proclamation would have have been deemed ludicrous had they not eaten Bobo the chimp — also known as God — as they did so.
The main belief behind the Culcari (May Their oil last fifty nights, so that you may see Them laughing at your puny seven night lasting oil.) religion is that the universe was created by the Almighty Culcar as a gift to his children, the first Culcari so that They had a playground to create playthings to play with, which is generally what someone does with playthings. It is said that humans were created after a group of Culcari (May no fruit be forbidden from Their lipless bite.) played the game Who Can Create the Gayest Thing? Each of the Culcari presented their creations to the Almighty Culcar. And so the scripture reads:
And lo, the Almighty Culcar beheld a many gay things that day: a unicorn, a fairy, a boatshoe, but none gayer than the human race.
From that day onward, the creation of man was celebrated as a day of joy and triumph. In fact, it was on this holiday in the year 2681 that the Culcari (May They suck the fat out of Buddha and leave him a huddled mass of skin and bone.) invaded Earth. What better way to celebrate the supreme gayness of humanity than by making them your bitch? Onward, the holiday is celebrated with a feast and gladiatorial tournament of humans versus humans. The fiercest humans from around the world battle in a vast arena to the delight of humans and Culcari alike. When the final human stands triumphant, they are quickly vanquished and eaten by the Culcari Overlords (May They desecrate the Kaaba and use it as a Rubik’s Cube, and when They get frustrated with the Rubik’s Cube, may They smash you with it.) as a reminder to all humans that even their strongest warriors are very, very gay by Culcari standards.
While the Culcari religion is a universal mandate, small pockets of most other religions survive to this day, though they are forced to live in secret for fear of persecution. It is these small pockets, these humans who still have faith — faith in God, faith in science, or faith in the human spirit — that are the biggest thorn in the Culcari’s (May Their apocalyptic flood waters never recede.) scaly, muscular sides.
“What better way to celebrate the supreme gayness of humanity than by making them your bitch? ”
That’s some funny shit right there.
Brilliant Craig. Very funny.
“Who Can Create the Gayest Thing?”
Now there’s a game I could play. Much better than Monopoly.
Okay, so I’m a gayer than gay warrior, but I still wouldn’t go down on them without a fight.
Ooooooo, just wait until Rush, Glenn Beck, the ex-Governor of Alaske and the Fox Noise channel get a hold of this! You’ll be a pinhead on O’Reilly’s show before the end of the month!!!
Wear all that proudly as a badge of honor my friend!
Creating things aren’t my forte, but imaging them are! Perhaps I could team up with someone and I could imagine the Gayest Thing and then they could create it! Kinda like a team challenge or something!
HUGS…
It’s a good thing you didn’t use your Paint skills on this one. Otherwise you might have ended up like this…http://www.cagle.com/news/2006Cagle/images/cagleDanishCartoons.gif
Don’t forget rainbows. They’re so bent that they come around and touch themselves again.
I asked you to pose in a shit and tie and you said you don’t roll that way. Liar!
I don’t tweet but I had to say something.
I feel the same as when I turn on the radio in the middle of someone’s sentence and think they said something outrageous, then I listen and realize I was out of the loop. As usual.
I’m … speechless.
Ok. I’m never speechless. Here goes:
a) This was brilliant. This is some of your funniest / most creative stuff yet.
b) I agree with Mark on the cartoons.
c) Ryan comes through again with dirtiest comment. The world continues to spin on its axis.
d) What the *HELL* were you smoking when you came up with this?!
Justin: Most of the dirtiness was serendipitous.
Also, This might give you some context to this post.
They’re so bent that they come around and touch themselves again.
Huh, that reminds me of something I saw on the internet that I kind of wish I could unsee.
I just filled out my Census form and under “Race” I chose “Some other race —Print Race” and in the box I printed “Homosexual”.
Now I just sit back and wait for the Hot young Census worker to come to my door to “clarify” my answer.
Oh Yeah!
Mark: I got mine yesterday. I was going to fill it out, but I don’t know whether my roommate or I will be in jail on April 1st or if we will suddenly take it anybody with no permanent residence.
I understand Ryan, I was going to include Tam as a resident, but since she can’t vote here it wouldn’t really do any good. Plus she would be arrested next time she entered the US. And that would only be funny if I had it on video.
It could do good. Having her counted as living in your house would make your vote count slightly more after redistricting.
Yeah, but seeing the tears well up in her eyes while she was being escorted across the border by Homeland Security would make me laugh so hard I might pee myself. Is that really worth the extra voting power?
Just Kidding! In case anyone doesn’t know, Tam Owns this Bitches Heart!!!!
Luv U Baby!
Oh yeah. Funny stuff.
Just remember, I work for the government, I have contacts in Washington. *squinty eyed glare.
I do need to get my passport renewed before June. Better get working on that.
For “race” someone should put “three-legged” or “100 yard dash”.
Mark: You do have a point. The marginal benefit of a slightly stronger vote is not worth soiling oneself. Maybe Tam can suggest some Canadians whose arrests will be less hysterical.
Damn! I wish I had thought of three-legged.
tam: you race comment almost made me choke on my Butterfinger miniature!
HUGS…
Polt: You? Choke on a miniature? Somehow I doubt that.
(I’m so bad.)
We could send some criminals down your way. We probably have a few we’d be glad to get rid of. Or my neighbor, he’s so annoying, however watching his arrest would be hysterical for me anyway.
Tam, if you’re having problems with your neighbor, just call me. I’ll go over there and thlap him thilly. And then I’ll…….by the way, what does he look like? Is he cute?
No, he’s not cute at all (and he’s married). He’s an asshole. Ummm, okay, not literally as that might make him seem attractive to some of you. He’s nosey and likes to tell everyone on the street how to run their lives under the guise of being “helpful”. I do NOT have to tell him when I’m going on vacation if I don’t wanna. None of his business.
Ah, the “Street Monitor”, the one who keeps track of everyone’s cummings and goings. I Hate those.
Honestly — you turn your back for an afternoon on this blog and the amount of filth you have to catch up on is simply astounding
By the way, Ryan, thank you for the background on the “guide to to future” series.
And thank you, every one of you, for always putting such a big smile on my face every time I come here
The winner of “Who Can Create the Gayest Thing?” is the producer of “American Idol” for forcing Adam Glamberpuss’s sweaty whore-cheeks into our lives.
Fun read. Love the religious satire. Reminds me a bit of Vonnegut.
Tam: I also found the race comment hilarious.
May Their oil last fifty nights, so that you may see Them laughing at your puny seven night lasting oil – my favorite so far in the Culcari saga.
Tam – I enjoyed the race joke as well : ).
It’s eight nights, not seven.
But this was still very clever and funny.
Ah, good Jewish Pedantry