So my arm fell off today. Yeah, I know, gross. But it’s not what you think. It does that a lot. Thankfully I was wearing long sleeves (it was picture day at school and Dad insisted I wear a dorky button down and tie because he still thinks this is the 1950′s even though I have to pass through a metal detector to get into school, but at least the cuffs were tight enough to hold up the weight of my arm) so it just kinda dangled there for the rest of the day, which is good because I don’t need another leper rumor going around school again. Seriously, that happened. Are there even lepers around anymore? Wasn’t that just in Jesus times or something? Okay, I just checked wikipedia, and leprosy is still around, but it’s totally treatable, so you don’t need to worry about it. Not that I’d need to worry about it anyway, because for the millionth time I’m not a leper.
Wait, you’re probably like “What the hell is he talking about?” I get that a lot.
Alright, from the beginning. My name’s Frank. My dad made me in his basement out of old parts like Frankenstein’s monster. I know, and he named me Frank. Isn’t that just shoot me in the face hysterical? Nevermind that whole misconception that the monster’s name in the book is Frankenstein (hello, it’s the doctor’s!) but if you build some freak kid in your basement and you don’t want anyone to know about it, wouldn’t you try and avoid comparisons to the book? Why not John? Carl? Hell, I’d even take Todd. Whatever. Parents aren’t the brightest people around, regardless of what they like to think.
Anyway, even though I’m a freak who was made in his dad’s basement, I’m pretty much like any other teenager, which is just about as freakish. No, my skin isn’t green, although it is kinda olivey (that should totally be a word) so most people think I’m just mediterranean (thank you, spellcheck!) or something which just means I tan pretty well and make my irish friends jealous. Okay, friend, but if he didn’t put about a million layers of sunscreen on every time he’s out in the sun I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be so vampire looking. Oh, and my head isn’t flat, except when I want my hair to be spiky, and I don’t have any bolts or anything stupid like that coming out of my neck. What are those bolts even for anyway? If I had those they better damn come with some radio reception.
Oh right, dismembered arm. Luckily it was my left, so I was still able to take notes in class for the rest of my day and dad patched it back up when I got home. And just a note to all you other kids out there who were made in your parents basement, and not in the gross way: never blame your arm falling off on your parents’ shoddy craftsmanship, because they won’t think it’s as funny as you do, and then they’ll punish you by making you wait till the next day to put your arm back on. That only happened one time though, but unfortunately it was my right arm which was annoying, but it was the weekend so I didn’t have to worry about going to school. It did teach me the joys of jerking off with my left hand though. Seriously, it’s like a totally different person. Hell, as soon as he attaches my arm again, there’s a Frank-shaped cloud of smoke in his lab as I run to my room to take advantage of the few minutes it takes for all my nerve endings to realign or whatever the fuck they do.
Oh what? You think the Frankenstein’s monster kid can’t jerk off? I’ll have you know that everything down there works just fine, thank you very much, and how many times do I need to tell you that I’m a normal teenager? If you’re gonna throw that whole made-in-my-dad’s-basement thing in my face, I’d like to remind you that your parents probably made you by having sex, so I’d say we’re about even.
I’d say either method is pretty gross if you give it any amount of thought. The sex method just has the benefit of feeling really good.
I’m pretty sure that I was created by storks and cabbage or something.
Also, doesn’t Cory Monteith have frankenteen trademarked?
Ha! I hope he only has problems with his arms falling off. I would hate for other, um, apendages to go AWOL. Can you imagine if he didn’t wear briefs to keep everything “packaged” so to speak? “Hey kid! You must have a hole in your pocket, you just dropped… er, what the #$%!”
Oh, and I was made in heaven, my mommy told me so.
Double-oh, wasn’t the bolts where Frankenstein hooked the jumper cables up to?
Well, a single Mom spawned me so I’m thinking back seat of a car. Sigh.
Great job. Nico might have a line on the bolt usage.
First a photo/blog entry, then some great short fiction. What next – a Super Viagra post??
I’m made of glitter, gumdrops, sunbeams and the laughter of fairies.
What an interesting and different story!
I sometimes have trouble with my ability to suspend disbelief. I found myself struggling with the idea that he was normal looking, and of biological origin, yet that the idea of an arm “falling off” didn’t make a huge bloody mess. Perhaps he is of cybernetic origin, but then that might make passing through the metal detectors at school hard (non-ferrous components?). Perhaps there will be an upcoming plot twist with more explanation to assuage my confusion. I think I would like to have a bit more science or magic to help me with my suspension of disbelief.
I enjoy writing that isn’t afraid to take an uninhibited look at the messy emotional and sexual parts of life since it projects a broader more full perspective. Sanitized snapshots don’t often do the richness of life justice.
Thanks for sharing this piece with us. I really do love your original writing, and I shall look forward to reading more.
Craiggers, is this autoboigraphical?
HUGS….
I really enjoyed this and hope you will be writing more. You had me at “isn’t that shoot me in the face hysterical?”
Hilarious post! I have to say I had to have been made in a basement. My parents have never had sex. I’m sure they don’t even know what it is.
I Loved this post. Forget the lameass people who didn’t comment. Or took three days to comment (I’m lookin at u Mark…Ahhh!). We need more of this.
Craig: I love that you changed the banner pic so he has a green forehead
John: That is one of my favorite lines too.
Chris D: I was wondering if he was made from “previously owned” parts or from lab-grown tissues myself; but I was willing to let that, and the question of bleeding when said appendage fell off, go as the general tone of the story is rather light-hearted and not hardcore sci-fi.
Oh, and I guess I didn’t really say it before, but I do love this story! More please!
Eyre: Hiiiii!!!! *waves madly*
I can’t wait to meet the love interest! If there is one…
And once you’re done, you can have him featured in a SV&VG piece!
Enrico: Hmmm… if the best friend is vampire-ish then the love interest would have to either have werewolf qualities (sever case of Becker’s nevus) or ghost like (social outcast, quiet, i.e. the person who sits in the corner of the room and “disappears”) tendencies. I would include a mummy in the list, but that would lead to way too many Oedipal jokes.
Gah! And of course I meant “severe” not “sever”
Nico: I’m in favor of Russell Tovey being his love interest.
Everyone’s comments are making me think of this song.
I like the ghost idea Nico.
Ryan with the Cupcake: I was totally thinking of Russell Tovey as I was writing that! And I haven’t heard that song in years, makes me kinda nostalgic for my high school days…
I’m glad you like the new greenified banner. That’s what I wanted originally but thought it would be too hard to do. But I gave it a whirl and it turned out pretty good!
I’m working on the next entry, which will focus on the best friend. Haven’t quite settled on a love interest yet.
I’m SO with the the other on the Russell Tovey boyfriend angle. Course, if you don’t want to use him Craiggers, he can totally be MY boyfriend!
HUGS…
Isn’t that Chris Colfer’s hairline?
No, it’s this guy from Secret Life of the American Teenager.
http://tv.yahoo.com/show/42563/photos/4
I don’t watch the show, I just found the pic and could work with it.
Okay, the link didn’t take you to the exact picture, but it’s one in that album.