Ugh. It’s 3:52 AM and I’m wide awake. Dad is in his room going crazy. Worse than usual tonight, which is saying something. Okay, maybe “going crazy” is a bad way of putting it, but if I told you he’s been moaning loudly all night you’d probably get the wrong idea. Besides, I’m pretty sure my Dad doesn’t even know what sex is because making babies that way is a whole hell of a lot easier than piecing one together in your basement. But then again, my Dad is such a dork I’m sure he’d still have built me anyway even if he did know what sex was. See what I did there? I’m treating my Dad not knowing what sex is as fact. Try it sometime, your quality of life will increase exponentially.
So yeah, Dad moaning like some wild banshee. You see, he was in an accident before he made me and his leg bothers him a lot. He’s in his forties and has to walk around with a cane and he never ever wears shorts. I only saw his leg once when he fell in the shower and I had to help him out. It just happened the one time, but like any normal family, we never spoke about it ever again. But it was crazy. His leg was like, mangled. It’s the only word I can think to describe it. Like it was crushed by the giant cartoon gears of Big Ben (I don’t know, for some reason when I picture the inside of Big Ben, it’s a cartoon) or something. That reminds me, when I’m president, I’m making a law where anyone over the age of thirty has to wear a bathing suit when they take a shower just for situations such as these. Gross.
He doesn’t like to talk about the accident, but apparently it was with some former employer which he then sued the pants off of and got a ton of money, which is why he doesn’t have to work anymore. I mean, don’t get me wrong, we certainly don’t live like Hiltons or anything. In fact, kinda just the opposite. Like, there aren’t gun shots outside our house or anything, but it’s not like we live in the best neighborhood either. But the way Dad explains it, he’d rather us live modestly and let the lawsuit money last longer than live in some lap of luxury or whatever and be broke in a year. But we’ve lived here my whole life and even though it isn’t the swankiest house around, it’s still home. Plus I would imagine it would be a major bitch to move Dad’s laboratory (and I’d probably be expected to help) so it’s probably best we stay here.
Just a little about my Dad. His name is Isaac, like Sir Isaac Newton. Between the ages of nine and thirteen, I got my Dad nothing but presents with apples on them. You know, like the apple that fell out of the tree and taught him about gravity? A tie with apples on it for Father’s Day, a silver apple paperweight for Christmas, so on and so forth. I thought I was being really super clever, you know, them both being scientists and all. Yeah, well, my Dad didn’t get it. Turns out he isn’t really a fan of apples (who doesn’t like apples?) and had no idea why I was so obsessed with them. For someone whose name stems from the hebrew word for laughter, he can be a bit of a stick in the mud sometimes. One time me and Jamie convinced him to play Clue with us and he spent the entire time complaining about the fact that the weapons could be ruled out a lot faster if he could examine the body. And while yes, if Mr. Boddy had a gunshot wound, you can be fairly certain that he wasn’t killed by the candlestick, that isn’t the point of the game.
He’s never been married and doesn’t leave the house much. I have to do most of the shopping for us, but Dad is definitely the cook. He’s obsessed with Martha Stewart and watches her show like everyday and copies all of her recipes. That’s right. My Dad the mad scientist is in love with Martha Stewart. He says he admires her “stern focus and scientific approach to achieving goals” whatever that means. She scares the shit out of me. But I’m sure my Dad would love nothing more than for her to be my Mom. “Welcome to my home Martha, here is your new stepson Frank. I made him in my basement. Shall we have duck bourguignonne with chestnut spaetzle tonight?” But to be honest, I have a feeling Martha would be pretty cool with the whole Frankenstein’s monster thing. She’s just that fucking crazy.
Okay, Dad seems to have settled down for now. I need to go to bed. I have a spanish test tomorrow today.
Love the stream of consciousness here, mentioning Clue, and dad’s names, and apples, and Big Ben insides, and Martha Stewart. It’s totally like I talk to myself in my head. …that was probably too much info, right?
Anyway, keep em coming, Craiggers, these are quite entertaining.
And I’m fairly certain that treating Frank’s Dad not knowing what sex is as fact won’t improve my life minisculey (tots a word) much less exponentially.
HUGS….
Amazing. Loved the bathing suit line. Guess what I had for lunch at the work Christmas party? Hazelnut spaetzle! LOL It was pretty good actually.
There are terrific. The image of his dad’s leg is burned in my brain now. Have a super weekend.
Where have you been hiding this stuff. Keep it up. Love it.
Mad scientist gourmets make turducken in new and interesting ways.
That’s awesome Ryan! That’s exactly the kind of stuff I want to get into. The mundane aspects of being a monster with a mad scientist dad and gay bff. Now that I have the particulars out of the way, I’m gonna start getting into the day to day stuff.
Is it wrong that I desperately want to try turducken someday?
Tam: Not at all. Turducken is so very delicious. A pile of tender, juicy meat.
Tam: Spam first, then turducken.
“[Dad]‘s in his forties” – um, thanks for the reminder?
A few weeks ago when I was at my sister’s with her young kids, it struck me that I’m old enough to be a grandfather for real now. Just call me Pepaw. *sigh*
Oh I’ve had Spam Mark. Breaded and fried no less. *slight gag moment there*
Next Christmas it’s going to be a turducken Christmas. If I can get them up here.
The Ryan With the Cupcake: Seriously, any time someone mentions Martha Stewart and turkey together all I can think of is this South Park episode. Yeah… I won’t be able to sleep tonight either. Besides, as a scientist I would think that Frank’s dad would be more of an Alton Brown fan.
M. Nicodemus: He could be a molecular gastronomist.
I was thinking of mentioning Wiley Dufresne or Marcel Vigneron too, but I wasn’t sure if anyone would know who they were.
I know who Wiley is. There’s a guy named Heston Blumethal who is into the molecular gastronomy stuff. Although his restaurant gave 300 people food poisoning so I’m not sure he’s a good guy to follow. He had a TV show though we got on Food Canada.
Awesome! I am looking forward to seeing where this series goes. I hope you can keep them coming.
I didn’t notice there was a part 2 and 3 until now! I just checked the banner, saw the green forehead and wondered, “When is Craig going to put up a new post already!!”
These are great. Love your humor/voice. I hope these evolve into a book. I think you have something with the Frankenstein genre. Zombies, vampires and werewolves are overdone. And mummies are just gross. Anyway, can’t wait to read more.
“In his forties”. Sigh. Guess I better start looking for a bathing suit to shower in.
Oh – and the talk about Spam reminds me of this:
http://mmckee.net/pictures/um.jpg
I’ve been slack lately, and not reading your blog everyday because, lets face it, you are not putting as much cool stuff up as you used to. I don’t watch tv much…i used to say all i watch is football and pornography, and now with it being springtime, and the internet full of dirty pictures, there is no need to turn the dang thing on. which is a shame, because i got a digital adapter last year, and i live on a hill with good reception, and the digital picture is really really cool.
Stream of consciousness is more fun to write than to read. Nanowrimo (spell check suggestion:nanobot) taught me that, and while Keru Kerouac whatever his stinking name is, Jack, thats his name, his books are cool to talk about and make you sound really hip, but they are not that great to read.
Anyway, the story of Frank is great. I hope you continue it, and maybe even get the ms paint out to draw some pictures to go with it. Maybe Super Viagra and his slut gf can come visit.
LOL