Say you find yourself aboard the U.S.S. Enterprise (NCC-1701-D) and you want nothing more than to get jiggy with a lonesome Starfleet officer on the Holodeck. But which one should you choose? This guide should help you decide which crew member is the right lay for you.
WHO: Captain Jean-Luc Picard
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: For an old guy, he certainly has a remarkably nice body and a sweet penchant for short shorts. Plus there’s the added thrill of getting it on with the captain.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: But he can be a bit too stuffy at times, ruining the sensuality of the moment by saying “Oh dear, would it be impudent of me to cum? Pip pip cheerio!” and then quoting Moby Dick for some unknown reason.
VERDICT: He’s Jean-Luc-freaking-Picard!
WHO: Commander William RIker
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: He’s certainly the most classically handsome of the bunch and that beard of his hurts so good when it rubs up against your skin.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: But something needs to be said about a man who simply refuses to take command of his own starship, insisting on passing up command after command to stay put as first officer. I wouldn’t be surprised if he just lays there and makes you do all the work and insists on calling you Mommy, even if you’re a dude.
VERDICT: William Riker gets what William Riker wants. And William Riker wants you. And you. And you.
WHO: Commander Data
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: He is programmed in multiple techniques and a broad variety of pleasuring. Plus, as an android, he can’t be insulted when you hand him a couple of tissues and send him packing.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: Data has never been the most socially aware members of the crew, and has a tendency to say or ask inappropriate things at odd moments. And you never want to have sex with someone who can tell you precisely how much harrier you are than the rest of the general population based upon Starfleet statistics.
VERDICT: Put a muzzle on him, and you have a fully functional sexbot.
WHO: Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: As the Enterprise’s resident nerd, you just know he’s not getting the play he’s longed all his life for, so he’ll treasure you and treat you the way you wish to be treated.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: But he insists on taking off his visor when you make sweet, sweet love and there’s only so many times you can fall for the line “Oh that’s odd, I could have sworn I was wearing a condom.”
VERDICT: Once you go blind, you never look behind.
WHO: Chief Medical Officer Beverly Crusher
WHY SHE’S GOOD IN BED: She has a fondness and knack for dancing, and you know what they say about good dancers. Plus her medical expertise will come in handy when your pee starts burning more than the Mutara Nebula.
WHY SHE’S BAD IN BED: She has a ton of baggage that may hinder having a brief fling. Nothing ruins the mood quite like being called Jack by a sobbing, naked woman. Unless your name is Jack and don’t mind crying. Then you’re just creepy.
VERDICT: She’s just the right hypospray.
WHO: Counselor Deanna Troi
WHY SHE’S GOOD IN BED: Let’s face it, she’s gorgeous, and those one piece leotards love her curves just as much as you do. Plus, as an empath, she knows exactly what’s working for you and what’s not without having to ask.
WHY SHE’S BAD IN BED: What the hell is up with the accent of hers? And when she moans, it’s about a thousand times more annoying. Plus I’m pretty certain there’s some Betazoid rule where if you sleep with the daughter, you have to sleep with the mother. At least that’s what Lwaxana told me.
VERDICT: Screwing an empath means never having to say “lower.”
WHO: Chief of Security Worf
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: Not to be stereotypical or anything, but it’s a well documented fact that Klingons have enormous penises.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: Not to be stereotypical or anything, but it’s a well documented fact that getting fucked by a Klingon will tear apart your insides.
VERDICT: He’s ridged for your pleasure.
WHO: Former Chief of Security Tasha Yar
WHY SHE’S GOOD IN BED: You just know she’d be up for bringing that hot nurse Alyssa Ogawa to join you guys.
WHY SHE’S BAD IN BED: If you’re a dude, you’d probably end up leaving out of boredom about halfway through to make yourself a sandwich while Tasha and Alyssa got to know each other better.
VERDICT: Blondes have more fun. And are lesbians.
WHO: Acting Ensign Wesley Crusher (But not till he’s 18!)
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: He’s, um, tight. And I don’t mean cheap.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: He’s a bit of a know-it-all so he has a tendency to ruin the moment by telling you that the gravitational yada yada yada of bouncing on his blah blah blah, would be exponentially increased if you whatchamacallit on top and centrifugally did this that and the other thing.
VERDICT: Writing about fucking Wesley makes me feel uncomfortable.
So what do you say? Which crew member are you bringing home tonight?
