Say you find yourself aboard the U.S.S. Enterprise (NCC-1701-D) and you want nothing more than to get jiggy with a lonesome Starfleet officer on the Holodeck. But which one should you choose? This guide should help you decide which crew member is the right lay for you.
WHO: Captain Jean-Luc Picard
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: For an old guy, he certainly has a remarkably nice body and a sweet penchant for short shorts. Plus there’s the added thrill of getting it on with the captain.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: But he can be a bit too stuffy at times, ruining the sensuality of the moment by saying “Oh dear, would it be impudent of me to cum? Pip pip cheerio!” and then quoting Moby Dick for some unknown reason.
VERDICT: He’s Jean-Luc-freaking-Picard!
WHO: Commander William RIker
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: He’s certainly the most classically handsome of the bunch and that beard of his hurts so good when it rubs up against your skin.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: But something needs to be said about a man who simply refuses to take command of his own starship, insisting on passing up command after command to stay put as first officer. I wouldn’t be surprised if he just lays there and makes you do all the work and insists on calling you Mommy, even if you’re a dude.
VERDICT: William Riker gets what William Riker wants. And William Riker wants you. And you. And you.
WHO: Commander Data
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: He is programmed in multiple techniques and a broad variety of pleasuring. Plus, as an android, he can’t be insulted when you hand him a couple of tissues and send him packing.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: Data has never been the most socially aware members of the crew, and has a tendency to say or ask inappropriate things at odd moments. And you never want to have sex with someone who can tell you precisely how much harrier you are than the rest of the general population based upon Starfleet statistics.
VERDICT: Put a muzzle on him, and you have a fully functional sexbot.
WHO: Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: As the Enterprise’s resident nerd, you just know he’s not getting the play he’s longed all his life for, so he’ll treasure you and treat you the way you wish to be treated.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: But he insists on taking off his visor when you make sweet, sweet love and there’s only so many times you can fall for the line “Oh that’s odd, I could have sworn I was wearing a condom.”
VERDICT: Once you go blind, you never look behind.
WHO: Chief Medical Officer Beverly Crusher
WHY SHE’S GOOD IN BED: She has a fondness and knack for dancing, and you know what they say about good dancers. Plus her medical expertise will come in handy when your pee starts burning more than the Mutara Nebula.
WHY SHE’S BAD IN BED: She has a ton of baggage that may hinder having a brief fling. Nothing ruins the mood quite like being called Jack by a sobbing, naked woman. Unless your name is Jack and don’t mind crying. Then you’re just creepy.
VERDICT: She’s just the right hypospray.
WHO: Counselor Deanna Troi
WHY SHE’S GOOD IN BED: Let’s face it, she’s gorgeous, and those one piece leotards love her curves just as much as you do. Plus, as an empath, she knows exactly what’s working for you and what’s not without having to ask.
WHY SHE’S BAD IN BED: What the hell is up with the accent of hers? And when she moans, it’s about a thousand times more annoying. Plus I’m pretty certain there’s some Betazoid rule where if you sleep with the daughter, you have to sleep with the mother. At least that’s what Lwaxana told me.
VERDICT: Screwing an empath means never having to say “lower.”
WHO: Chief of Security Worf
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: Not to be stereotypical or anything, but it’s a well documented fact that Klingons have enormous penises.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: Not to be stereotypical or anything, but it’s a well documented fact that getting fucked by a Klingon will tear apart your insides.
VERDICT: He’s ridged for your pleasure.
WHO: Former Chief of Security Tasha Yar
WHY SHE’S GOOD IN BED: You just know she’d be up for bringing that hot nurse Alyssa Ogawa to join you guys.
WHY SHE’S BAD IN BED: If you’re a dude, you’d probably end up leaving out of boredom about halfway through to make yourself a sandwich while Tasha and Alyssa got to know each other better.
VERDICT: Blondes have more fun. And are lesbians.
WHO: Acting Ensign Wesley Crusher (But not till he’s 18!)
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: He’s, um, tight. And I don’t mean cheap.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: He’s a bit of a know-it-all so he has a tendency to ruin the moment by telling you that the gravitational yada yada yada of bouncing on his blah blah blah, would be exponentially increased if you whatchamacallit on top and centrifugally did this that and the other thing.
VERDICT: Writing about fucking Wesley makes me feel uncomfortable.
So what do you say? Which crew member are you bringing home tonight?
I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard in a long time. To answer your question, Data. Why? I know where I could get a ball gag and something about “multiple techniques” intrigues me.
Team Worf baby. I’m all about the alpha male (in this scenario).
Actually, Craiggers, it’s a well known fact that Ferengi have large penises. (honestly! They mentioned it in the series somewhere!) And are immune to Betazed telepathy. But that really has nothing to do with this post at all.
I’ve always had a thing for Beverly, I don’t know why. If I were gonna do a woman, it would be her.
Wesley IS over 18…at least later in the series. Nuff said there.
And actually, we all know I don’t have an aversion to doing a mother AND her son….
HUGS…
Oh and just so you know Mr. “that beard of his hurts so good when it rubs up against your skin” , I DO have a goatee…and can probably have close to a full beard by this Saturday. If that’s what it takes, well then that’s what it takes…
Just sayin….
HUGS…
Do you think Data would really *need* tissues? And what about that expectation that Geordi will at any second pull out a children’s book and start reading to you?
LOL! Excellent Reading Rainbow reference, Mel!
Worf: He’s ridged for your pleasure
Ever watch Hidden Frontier? If you had you would pick Worf too!
I’d stay clear of Geordi. The pantheon of Star Trek (known cryptically as “The Writers”) have cursed him so that any person he takes romantic interest in will be at best banished to the other side of the galaxy where nothing anyone cares about happens.
Wesley says his name out loud during sex, but I made him hoarse doing it.
It is a well known fact that Worf has two dongs. http://hijinksensue.com/2010/06/16/gadget-envy/
lol, Jere!
You know Jadzia was a size/amount queen, just imagine how hung or how many the guy with the clear skull must have had.
Sorry, I know he’s pathetic and insecure, but I just love Lt. Barclay. There. I’ve said it.
Oh and by the way I think Craig’s verdicts are spot-on, not to mention hilarious.
Deanna’s accent always did drive me nuts. I don’t know why she couldn’t have used her natural british accent, though her voice is pretty irritating no matter what. Honestly I always wanted her and Wesley to be lost in a transporter accident.
I’ve been thinking about this, though, and I don’t think there WAS a member of the Enterprise Crew that I found attractive. Paris I would have done on Voyager. Dr. Bashir maybe on DS9. And of course on Enterprise I would totally have done both Tucker and especially Captain Archer. Honestly I think Enterprise, as bad as it was, may have been the only ST franchise series with hotness. I’m scratching my head hear trying to remember who any of the the hot guys were ….
Jean-Luc Picard period. Charisma, the bald head, the rockin’ body. I mean really. As for the ladies, Tasha had a nice body, but it would be Beverly. Troi never did anything for me. Her mother, however…..
Oh and I never understood the sex appeal of Ryker, at all.
The thing that bothers me most about Riker is his walk, hunched over to one side like was the leaning tower of beard.
I’m with John & Paul (Beatles, or Apostles?). Riker never did anything for me. Even with his chest-hair. I found bearded Riker slightly less unattractive than beardless, but either way … meh …
Still thinking about Captain Archer, though. He was hot in his pyjama bottoms.
They are all totally hot. Even dr Crusher and I don’t like girls but still. But to tell you the truth, even though Riker was the hottest…I would love to sleep with Worf and find out how intense Klingon love is.
I’d go with Picard. But you do make Data sound appealing.
I’ll pass on Wesley. First of all his name is Wesley. And then there are those horrendous sweaters he wore (or was it just the one ugly sweater? I’m assuming there were more than one – yuck).
Wesley! Sorry Craig, I can visualize him out of uniform
Picard, without reservation. And he would never say pip-pip. I mean, c’mon. He was smart and cultured but he was never stodgy.
Riker never did it for me either. And I hear he was into rusty trombones.
Ok, I only mention this because it is on subject…sort of. My boyfriend and I are about to hit our 3 month anniversary. He surprised me tonight with an early present. He bought me a model of the Enterprise D, from TNG. It is about 2 feet long and has led lights on the bridge and the warp nacelles. The saucer section actually seperates and it maks docking sounds when you pull it apart. There are even voice recordings of captain Picard giving various commands. I am in Star Trek geek heaven.
I would say Seven of Nine.