No, not pet psychics. You don’t need a fucking psychic to tell you that your pet enjoys being scratched behind the ears, or misses you when you’re at work. I’m talking about pet sidekicks. The ever faithful animals who never leave your side and know a thing about fighting villainy (or in some cases, good). Here is a handy guide to some famous pet sidekicks that you may find useful when picking a pet sidekick of your own:
Pet Sidekick: Dynomutt
Owner: The Blue Falcon
Abilities: Dynomutt is capable of doing pretty much anything. He’s like the Inspector Gadget of dogs. But notice I said capable though. He’s not really good with the follow through, and mostly just messes everything up when he tries to help.
Verdict: Blue Falcon and Dynomutt were my absolute favorite Hanna-Barbera cartoons growing up, and I’d love nothing more than to have Dynomutt as my sidekick. Unfortunately I don’t think I could afford the insurance premiums required to keep him around.
Pet Sidekick: Cringer/Battle Cat
Owner: Prince Adam/He-Man
Abilities: As Battle Cat, he’s fiercer than Tyra Banks if you try to get between her and her BBQ ribs, and he’s one of the few pet sidekicks that doubles as a trusty steed. But when he’s in his Cringer form, he’s absolutely useless. And why is he afraid of turning into Battle Cat every single time? Can’t he just accept that turning into Battle Cat is awesome?
Verdict: He’s great as Battle Cat, but with that annoying alter ego Cringer, he’s kinda like your obnoxious friend who doesn’t remember how annoying they are when they’re drunk.
Pet Sidekick: Laserbeak
Owner: Soundwave
Abilities: Laserbeak was pretty much the only Decepticon capable of performing basic tasks of villainy, with the exception of the 1986 movie where the Decepticons finally got their shit together long enough to blow away the old toy line.
Verdict: He comes in handy for reconnaissance, but not much else. And chances are you don’t even own a tape deck anymore.
Pet Sidekick: Gleek (source of awesome picture)
Owner: Wonder Twins
Abilities: Besides amusing your preadolescent nieces and nephews when you have to babysit, he has the uncanny ability of producing a bucket out of thin air to hold Zan in when he’s in his water form so Jayna can carry him when she’s in her far cooler eagle form.
Verdict: Even your nieces and nephews aren’t amused by his antics for long and you have about a dozen buckets in your garage you have no idea what to do with anyway.
Pet Sidekick: The Cockroach
Owner: WALL-E
Abilities: He can squeeze under really tight crevices, but don’t expect that to come in handy if you ever lock yourself out of your house because he’d still be unable to turn the doorknob. Let’s just say that his best ability is his devotion to you. And possibly outliving you in case of a nuclear holocaust.
Verdict: “If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a merry Christmas.” And if undying devotion were anything but really sweet, he might come in handy, but if you ever get into a bar fight, don’t look to him for help.
Pet Sidekick: Wonderdog
Owner: Wendy and Marvin
Abilities: Who? What?
Verdict: No, just no.
Pet Sidekick: Brain
Owner: Inspector Gadget’s niece Penny
Abilities: He’s a master of disguise and more than lives up to his name. If you want a pet to start a crime solving business with, he’s definitely your man, um, dog. And let’s face it, you aren’t bright enough to solve crime on your own.
Verdict: But he isn’t exactly lovable. In fact, he’s quite condescending with the eye rolling and the grumbling about not getting credit for doing all the work. I mean, what’s the use of having a sidekick if they’re gonna try and take credit for all your their hard work?
Pet Sidekick: Dug
Owner: Charles Muntz/Russell
Abilities: He’s loyal and brave, and he also sports a collar that allows you to communicate with him. But he doesn’t exactly have the best atteniSQUIRREL!
Verdict: He worked for the evil Charles Muntz before joining the good guys, which makes you wonder if he’s really a good dog, or if he’s just loyal to whoever is scratching his belly at the time. (A trait I’ve been accused of as well.)
Pet Sidekick: Azrael
Owner: Gargamel
Abilities: He’s small and agile, and able to reach inside mushrooms to reach little blue men. It’s a very precise ability, but perhaps it can be translated into other uses?
Verdict: Let’s face it, he’s just a cat. No special powers or resourcefulness, but if you’re heading in the villainous direction, cats are villainous enough on their own that they don’t really need special powers for their evildoing.
Pet Sidekick: Donkey
Owner: Shrek
Abilities: He can talk! He loves to talk! He’s the talkingest thing you ever saw! He can also fly! Wait, no he can’t. But what Donkey lacks in flying abilities, he compensates with the loyalty of a dog, the steediness of a small horse, and the voice of a comic legend who can’t seem to make good movies anymore.
Verdict: I don’t care how good his waffles are, an hour with him and I’m likely to blow my brains out. I think I’d rather watch Meet Dave.
Pet Sidekick: Snarf
Owner: The Thundercats
Abilities: Okay, let’s see, he’s the feline sidekick of the slightly less feline ThunderCats. He has the snarfing ability to interject the word snarf into any and all conversations. And his name is Snarf. That about covers it.
Verdict: I’m not gonna sugarcoat this. He’s useless and annoying as hell.
So what do you say? Which of these cartoon pet sidekicks will you be using in your conquest to rid the world of villainy (or justice)?
