So we had the big Homecoming dance on friday. I realize putting the word “big” in front of Homecoming makes me sound like a 70 year old grandmother from the 50′s, but whatever. Anyway, we have this new transfer student who just started this year who’s in my grade, and she’s the new quarterback of the football team. That’s right. She. Her name is Sarah Matthews and besides being hot and smart, she’s also amazing at football. I know, don’t you just hate her? But actually it’s impossible to hate her because she’s also really nice. I know, don’t you just hate her more? Well like I said, you can’t.
So in honor of her and the amazing season of football we’re having so far, they decided to make the Homecoming dance Sadie Hawkins style, which is where the girls ask the boys to the dance and is supposed to be all about female empowerment or some bullshit like that. But really, don’t girls always have the power in these situations anyway? It’s not like us guys are gonna hit them over the head with a giant stegosaurus leg bone and drag them to the dance. We have to sweat it out for weeks trying to build up the courage to ask these girls and they have the power to crush our souls and our self esteem with a single word. No.
I say all that as if I’ve had to worry about this shit, but really, me and Jamie haven’t gone to a school dance since our sixth grade social when I threw up on Molly Dolan’s shoes. He says he likes to skip them because it enforces a dogmatic straight agenda, but really, for a gay guy, he’s a terrible dancer and I think he just enjoys avoiding all that nonsense as much as I do. So we were all set to enjoy a night of video games on friday when the impossible happened.
Sarah Matthews asked me to the dance.
That’s right. Let that just soak in for a moment. The most popular girl in our school asked me to go to Homecoming with her. I mean, she’s like the it girl (like Megan Fox before Jennifer’s Body and Jonah Hex came out) who could have asked anyone to go to the dance with her and she chose me. So of course I said yes. The hard part was going to be telling Jamie, but thankfully I was able to distract him with asking him to go shopping and help me pick out something to wear before he could call me a pussy whipped traitor, which I’m pretty sure was on the tip of his tongue. While picking out a paisley (which is apparently a pattern, not a color) blue tie and a corduroy sports jacket which Jamie assures me doesn’t make me look like a 70′s detective, I was able to talk him into going to the dance also.
It took my Dad some convincing to let me go to the dance. He normally doesn’t like me being out at public events any more than I have to for fear of something Frankenstein-like happening, but I assured him that I would avoid doing any limb-losing sambas in the center of one of those giant people dance circles. But like Jamie, I was able to quickly distract him with the prospect of making me a corsage to give to Sarah. The resulting corsage actually came out pretty cool. He stitched tiny little football beads and mini LED lights into it, and I’m pretty sure the resulting masterpiece would make Martha Stewart proud.
Unfortunately I don’t have my drivers license yet and couldn’t even offer my Dad to drive us to the dance, so Sarah’s parents had to pick me up at my house, which I waited outside of to avoid any parental unpleasantness. Sarah was wearing a baby blue dress that matched my tie. Apparently Jamie called her to see what she was wearing so we could color coordinate. Gays. She said I looked nice and in my head I told her she looked amazing, but it came out more like “thnksutoo”. I gave her the corsage, which she liked, though I think her equally perfect mom and dad liked it even more. After taking a few awkward pictures in my not-picture-worthy front yard, they drove us to the dance.
When we pulled up to the school, Jamie was outside waiting for us where he promptly fixed my tie and called Sarah “stunning”. We entered the gymnasium which was decorated with balloons and cardboard pillars, but still looked remarkably like a high school gymnasium. There was a line of tables for drinks that three quarters of the school faculty was guarding like vultures. Okay, maybe vultures don’t necessarily guard things, but you get the idea. Music was blasting, but hardly anyone was on the dance floor, but the people (read: girls) who were dancing, I recognized as Sarah’s inner circle of friends. She asked if I wanted to dance, but she didn’t seem too upset when I mumbled something about getting a drink instead and she was gone.
The night progressed pretty uneventfully. The girls danced, the guys they forced into coming stood awkwardly, and no one went near the drink tables for fear of being given detention or having to converse with teachers. It wasn’t until our principal Mrs. Yolkman needed to make announcements that the music stopped and Sarah joined me and Jamie again. I thought she’d be mad that I wasn’t dancing, but she was as happy as could be and just asked if I was having fun too, which I of course said yes, even though the whole thing was a bit of a snoozefest.
Anyway, Mrs. Yolkman said it was time to announce the winners of the Homecoming Court contest. Every year for Homecoming, the seniors vote for their Homecoming King and Queen, and each of the younger classes vote for a Homecoming Prince and Princess for each class. Sarah was actually on the nomination list for Princess of our class, and at that moment I felt bad for not taking the time to vote for her, but in my defense, she asked me to the dance after voting closed. Okay, that’s a bad defense, whatever, shut up.
So after much fanfare (seriously, this is life or death to these people) they announce the King and Queen, who I recognize as Jamie’s brother’s friend and his girlfriend. Good for them I guess. They are crowned and take to the dance floor to have their victory slow dance. Meanwhile, they announce the freshman and sophomore princes and princesses who get smaller crowns and tiaras and join the King and Queen on the dance floor. Finally, it’s the juniors’ turn and I’m positive Sarah’s name is going to be called since the dance is practically being thrown in her honor. First, they announce the junior prince and it’s Chris Alberman, one of the popular guys from the football team, which I assume guarantees that Sarah will be called next and I’ll have to suffer the humiliation of seeing my date slow dance with someone else.
But it wasn’t Sarah. After covering the microphone and saying something to Stephanie Hendrick, our class president, who only nodded, Mrs. Yolkman announces that the junior princess was a write-in winner, Jamie Preston. That’s right, my gay best friend was just elected our Homecoming class princess. A lot of things happened in those few seconds after the announcement was made. The entire gymnasium erupted with laughter, but more infuriating was watching Chris Alberman drop his crown on the ground and join his friends where he was smugly high fived. I turned to Jamie to see him standing still as stone next to me. His eyes were glossing over and I could tell that he was going to start crying at any moment. I have no idea how or why this happened. I thought I was the only one who knew he was gay, but evidently I wasn’t, or other people just assumed he was. Regardless of those questions I had, I grabbed his arm and told him we were leaving, but Sarah stopped me.
“No,” she said. “We’re going to rock the shit out of this.”
Sarah took Jamie’s hand and they walked up to the podium where Mrs. Yolkman was standing. The laughter picked up when Sarah practically ripped the small tiara out of Mrs. Yolkman’s hand and put it Jamie’s head, which was turning so red I thought it might explode. But then the noise turned into a kind of confused rumble as Sarah picked up the prince’s crown and put it on her own head and took Jamie out onto the dance floor where they joined the other couples. Even from where I was standing across the gymnasium, I could tell that Jamie was nervous as hell. He wasn’t so much dancing, as he was swaying back and forth, but as the moments wore on, I could practically feel Jamie loosening up and as the song came to a close, he even allowed himself to be dipped by Sarah and when he came up I could see that they were both laughing.
The song ended, and the crowd nervously applauded, not really sure if they should or not. The Homecoming Court left the dance floor, and Sarah and Jamie walked back over to me, still hand in hand. In my head I told them how awesome and brave they were, but it came out more like “mmmzing”. Thankfully they more or less ignored me and we left the dance when Sarah suggested we all go to the diner for cheese fries. I continued to be more or less ignored by the two new BFFs who apparently watch all of the same television shows, but the cheese fries were really good.
