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GUEST POST: My Theory of Lost

May 28, 2010
By

LockeHeader
I’d like to welcome my cousin Michelle, who does such an awesome job summarizing her theories on Lost and presenting ideas on some of the unanswered questions, that I’d like to share it with you guys. Enjoy!

The earth exists as a living thing and there is a point where all the energy that allows life comes from. This is the island. It is the ‘heart’ where all the energy, life force, (electromagnetism) exists. This was the light that had to be protected. Just like in acupuncture there are certain parts of the body that when pricked can stop pain etc. There are hot spots on the earth where there is more energy than others. This is what the psychic was talking about to Rose and Bernard when they were looking for a cure for her cancer. She said that she couldn’t be cured there but there was another place that she could (the island).

The island is also where all time exists or comes from like The Dark Tower (Stephen King’s series). Time does not pass there at all or in a different way that is why babies could not be born. At certain points in our time (when the series began for instance) the island appears. Like in Star Trek 2009, Nero had to wait years for Spock to come out of the wormhole, when the time periods lined up. This is why it was necessary to build the pendulum in the church to find out what time and place the island would appear. The church itself may be a hot spot, which is why the pendulum works.

The island does exist physically, it is real and the time our characters spent on the island did happen when they were alive. People (like Widmore/Dharma) believed in its existence and were able to create the pendulum to find it. Just like people have always been searching for Shangri La, Eden, Fountain of Youth etc. Once they found the island they discovered the energy and electromagnetic effects that it had. They began doing experiments to see if they could harness this energy. When they realized the dangers involved, they created the hatch/station with the button to help contain places that they accidentally drilled/released.

They also knew about the island being the center of all time (or that it was only existing at a static point) that was where the bunny experiments came from. They also experimented on other animals (hence the cages) including polar bears. Widmore had a picture of a polar bear on his wall, so he was the one who brought them to the island.

They also began doing psychic experiments. That’s why they wanted Walt, because he had some kind of psychic ability. There were also other people who had psychic abilities like Milo being able to hear dead people and Hugo see/talk to them. I think the psychic storyline was a red herring, something Dharma hippies in the 70′s would be into or simply something intesting to add. The writers incorporated many different philosophies, mythologies, religion, science and that would include things like psychic abilities and numerology.

Desmond is special because he is able to live through exposure to large amounts of electromagnetism. I think it could be like a natural immunity or like why some people are able to live after being hit by lightning. Widmore knew about this and that’s why he wanted to bring Desmond to the island to help him harness this energy. This is also why Desmond was the only one who could open the cork of the island because it was the place of largest concentration of electromagnetism. The cork was keeping the energy from ‘exploding’ and destroying the island and the earth. When Jack went down to put it back, he knew he wouldn’t survive the exposure, that’s why he gave the duty to protect the island to Hugo. The whole point of taking the cork out was to allow Jack to kill the smoke monster. During that period, the island was no longer providing its healing powers so the monster became mortal in Locke’s body. Jack had to put the cork back to save the world and contain the energy again. This was his destiny, which he finally realized.

Like Adam and Eve, Jacob and the Man in Black (and all the protectors of the island) were human. The island has been around forever-exists at all time- that is where the statue and hieroglyphs came from, ancient people that had found the island.

When Jacob put the Man in Black into the light, it killed his mortal body (from exposure) but it released his soul (Terry O’Quinn’s theory on Jimmy Kimmel), which became the black smoke. The smoke was often referred to as the security system; this could be a reference to the fact that he was originally one of the people to potentially protect the island. Why he became smoke, I’m not sure of but would suppose it had to do with the fact that he was ‘bad’, had just killed his mother. He also was not ready to ‘move on’, he wanted to live. He didn’t go into the light voluntarily, he was murdered by Jacob. He always also wanted to leave the island and the only way that he could do that was to become mortal again (by possessing Locke’s body). He was the one who was always speaking to Ben, not Jacob and he was the one who convinced Ben to kill everyone in the Dharma Initiative and to kill Locke and bring his body back. Like the devil, he would promise things like making Ben head of the island, giving Sayid Nadia back etc. He didn’t plan to keep these promises; he just wanted to use them to get off the island. He also hated the island and wanted to destroy it. He didn’t know that destroying the island would destroy the rest of the world (that he wanted to return to), that is why when Desmond released the cork, Jack told Locke that they were both wrong about what was going to happen.

The black smoke was the one that was appearing as dead relatives. He wasn’t physically taking form but he was able to hypnotize or make Jack and the others see what he wanted them to see. Once he was smoke he was able to do things like show them their lives (like Echo), ability he may have gained when he was in the light.

The people in the Dharma initiative were the ones who built Jacob’s cabin as a way of protecting themselves from the black smoke. They referred to it as Jacob’s cabin because Ben thought it was Jacob speaking to him, not MIB. Some people believe that you can protect yourselves from evil spirits by putting ash (across a doorway/in a circle like in the movie The Skeleton Key). I think that is why the ash was around the cabin. The black smoke was trapped in the cabin for a period and that is why he told Ben to kill everyone in Dharma, so he could be released. The Dharma people (who became the Others when Ben took over) obviously knew about the smoke, that’s why they had the sound poles surrounding their camp. The cabin appeared/disappeared because it was built on top of a spot with a high concentration of electromagnetism, so it flipped through time.

The island’s electromagnetic energy is what caused things to crash there (a la Bermuda Triangle). Jacob had a way of manipulating it, that’s why he kept bringing people to the island, to find a replacement/protector. The Dharma people also had found the wheel of time that the Man in Black had started and they got it to work. This wheel allowed the island to be moved to so it could be lined up with a specific point in time. This is how Jacob was able to leave the island and visit our castaways during their lives. It was also how the real Locke was able to get off the island. There was always something special about Locke, which is why he was the one who could be possessed (perhaps it was his faith in the island) by MIB. MIB couldn’t leave until he had a mortal body again.

Just like God put humans in Eden, he put humans in charge of the island. Because we are all human we can make mistakes so there were probably good guardians and bad ones. The guardians are the ones who made the ‘rules’ that is why, Hugo told Ben that they could change the way that the island was run.

The show was always about the characters and their journey/destiny as well as debate over science and faith. Jack had no faith in the beginning, so one of the main points was that he gains faith and ultimately realizes he had a destiny. All of the characters were ‘lost/broken’ in some way and they all needed to come to terms with the wrongs in their lives before they could move on. The final season’s alternate timeline was a purgatory/place that they created to help them live the lives they wanted to live, fix mistakes etc. Once they had done that they were able to move on/go to heaven/ the next world/dimension etc. I interpreted it as them going to heaven but they left it open. In The Dark Tower they were in a world that had ‘moved on’, so depending on your belief they could have moved on to another existence/world/dimension.

They all died at different points but they were all able to meet in this fictional life. They were all important to each other, their experiences on the island (and off for oceanic six) were the most important time in their lives and that is why they needed each other to move on. Jack was always afraid of dying alone (We live together or we die alone) but his father tells him that no one dies alone. This reminded me of Star Trek V when Spock tells Kirk that he shouldn’t have been afraid that he was going to die because he was ‘never alone’.

I believe that Sayid and Shannon were together because they were members of the original crash and those were the people that were all coming together. Also it was a place that they created to finish things that they hadn’t had a chance to. Sayid and Shannon never had a chance to get together because she died before him. Another reason why Shannon may have been important was that she was the one who allowed Sayid to love again. He came to the island a broken, ex-torturer, she allowed him to regain some of his humanity.

Aaron appearing at the church as a baby could also be a result of it being a place that they created (fictional) and Claire and Charlie had only seen Aaron as a baby so that’s the way that they would remember him. It could be that Aaron was able to be born on the island because he was ‘special’ like Desmond, somehow immune to the effects of time. Or there is a certain limited amount of time that the island exists in which includes the few months/weeks that it took for him to be born. Other babies could not age or come to term a full nine months.

After I had written this, I woke up and remembered that Ben and other people did age on the island (Ben grew up there). There were only certain people who were guardians (drank the “blessed” water) that were immortal, like Richard, Jacob and MIB. This means that my theory about the island being stuck in time as the reason for babies not being born is wrong. On the pre-show finale, the creators said that when Jacob touched our heroes during their lives that protected them and meant they wouldn’t die. I don’t see how that could be true because our characters could and did die. But that would be a possible explanation as to why Aaron and Claire survived his birth. As long as they were candidates, they were protected.

My other thought would be that babies couldn’t be born because of either the electromagnetism and/or the closeness to the light/source of all life. I liked my other time theory much better and was really disappointed when I remembered about Ben.

I do think that the creators had a plan and knew what they wanted the final scene to be. But I also think that in order to fill six seasons they had to come up with new mysteries all the time, so that’s why a lot of “mini-mysteries” were left unanswered.

But then I could be wrong about everything too. :)

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GUEST POST: Scary Movie Awards

August 10, 2009
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Today I’d like to welcome my wonderful and talented cousin Michelle who you’ve met before and is here today to talk about scary movies. Something I don’t talk about on here nearly enough because I’m a big old chicken.

Drag Me to Hell – The Wish it Were Funnier Award

michelledraghellAfter seeing the movie I re-read the reviews of Drag Me to Hell and I feel like I missed out on something. It’s about a young women who is cursed by a Gypsy because she turned down a loan that would have saved her home. The woman is then plagued by spirits trying to drag her to hell. Most of the critics loved it. I did enjoy it and thought that it had some really fun over the top moments. But I didn’t find it to be the awesome movie they had written about. They say “jump out of your seat scares” and I didn’t find it particularly scary, never mind jumping out of my seat. It was at it’s best when it was being over the top and funny, such as having a talking goat and a homicidal handkerchief. Both scenes were clever and original. I wish that they had more like this.

I suppose part of the problem is that I was expecting more – expecting a movie more like Evil Dead and Army of Darkness. I thought that they did a better job of keeping up the humor. Maybe I just missed Bruce Campbell! I never warmed up to Alison Lohmans’ character. I definitely wasn’t able to maintain any sympathy for her after the ‘here kitty’ scene. I did like Justin Long’s character though and loved the fact that he believed and supported her. I did like this movie but I would say it’s not as super-duper as the critics made it out to be.

Movie to be Avoided at All Costs – The Ruins

michelleruinsThis is the shortest review I have ever written. I know a lot of people thought the book was very scary. Yes it really is about evil vines but that’s all I will say.

I don’t want to even describe what happens in the movie because it was so disgusting. It’s bad enough I have those horrible images in my mind. I don’t want it going through anyone else’s. It wasn’t scary at all. It was just plain gross.

Best Beginning – My Bloody Valentine in 3D

michellevalentineMy Bloody Valentine was even scarier than I thought it would be! The action never let up. The thing that set this apart from other movies for me (besides the 3D) was the opening scene. The beginning was so intense, Craig and I both thought that the projectionist had accidentally put on the wrong reel! Not surprisingly the movie was VERY bloody but more importantly – VERY scary. I jumped several times. I’d seen Chicken Little and Journey to the Center of the Earth in 3D before and neither worked very well and the effect faded after a while. I also felt cheated because the red/green glasses washed all the color out.

My Bloody Valentine on the other hand, kept the 3D til the very end. Color was not important because like most horror movies it was dark anyway. The creators did an excellent job of maintaining the depth in the screen and didn’t just rely on throwing things at the screen. It had a good sense of humor about itself too. There wasn’t much story but the whodunit aspect had me guessing until the end. And did I mention that it had Jensen Ackles in it? :)

Battle of the Un’s – The Unborn and The Uninvited

michelleunbornHe’s back! He’s creepy! He wants your body! Give it up for the sinister kid from the Holocaust The Unborn!

On the other side – She’s gorgeous! She’s frightening! She may want to kill you! Give it up for the is she or isn’t she evil stepmother, The Uninvited!

Okay, so neither movie is drop your popcorn scary. But there is a general eeriness to each. The Unborn is more of your traditional beautiful teenage girl being stalked by a disturbing kid. This time the kid turns out to be a victim of the Nazi’s experiments who was somehow possessed by a demon. After the kid dies (the nerve!), the demon has to find a newborn to be born into. Cue the hot teenage girl and demonboy has found his mommy. The movie also has an exorcism at the end, which is a nice contrast to comic one at the end of Drag Me to Hell.

THE UNIVITEDHowever for me the winner of the Un’s would be The Uninvited. Yes it has a stepmother with possibly malicious intentions, which we’ve seen before (Hello Cinderella & Sleeping Beauty). The main characters are sisters and their relationship is integral and well done. There are other things about the movie, which did keep me guessing: Was it the evil stepmother? Or was it the too good to be true father? Or the lovesick delivery guy? Or one of the sisters? I figured out part but was also surprised by something else. I would recommend this one more as a mystery than a horror.

Prom Night – Worst Female Character

michellepromI knew Prom Night wasn’t going to be great but I didn’t expect it to be completely annoying. It began with the first scene when the main character, a sixteen year old blonde bimbo, hid under her bed while her stalker killed her mother, father and brother. Worse, she did nothing and watched as her mother was stabbed because she wouldn’t tell him where she (the bimbo) was hiding. If she had been locked in a closet and unable to do anything it would have been one thing but she was simply cowering under her bed.

I’m sorry but there is no way in hell that I would be able to do that. If it were my mother, I would transform into a Tasmanian Devil or Jack Bauer. Squash his eyes out with my thumbs? No problem. Tear his jugular out with my teeth? Let me at em. Sure I’d likely be killed before I can do enough, but that doesn’t matter. I find it completely unbelievable that any normal person would just stand by while someone they love is being murdered, especially a mother and daughter. Any possible empathy for the character went straight out the window. Then she spent the rest of the movie screaming and crying. I haven’t seen such a poorly written female character in a loooong time.

The Orphan – Worst Husband Award

michelleorphanThe trailer for this looked truly wicked so I was a little disappointed because I wasn’t scared. Maybe it would be scary at home alone or with a different crowd. I saw it on a Monday afternoon with a strangely vocal audience. The more dirty deeds the little doll did, the more they laughed because they couldn’t believe she was doing the evil things she was doing. Even though they were enjoying it, it did kill the atmosphere. The movie still worked for me but more as a thriller than horror movie.

I was scared when I saw that the youngest girl had pet guinea pigs. They can kill any humans but a sweet little guinea pig? If they had touched a hair on their furry little heads I would have walked out. Not really, but it would be upsetting. Thankfully, the piggies were never shown again so they presumably (bar any deleted scene) remained unharmed.

I thought all the actors were good, even the kids playing the siblings. The girl playing the orphan was great because she was able to seem like a normal adorable child in the beginning before she became the evil spawn. The only problem I had was that the husband didn’t believe the mother for most of the movie. I love Peter Sarsgaard, he’s hot and he can play the nice guy (Year of the Dog, K-19) and makes a great villain (Flight Plan & Skeleton Key). In this, his acting is still terrific and he’s still hot but I got more mad at his character than the kid!

There was a twist at the end that may annoy some but I thought was fine. The last fight and final line of the movie was what made the movie.

The Haunting in Connecticut – Best Family and Most Touching

michellehauntingI saved the best for last: The Haunting in Connecticut was the exact opposite of Prom Night in that it relied on and created an extremely important mother-son relationship. Shockingly enough, it is about a family that moves into a haunted house or as the Reverend says at one point, a possessed house. I wasn’t sure that I would like the movie in the beginning because it starts off with the older son dying of a brain tumor, which is really heartbreaking to watch. He begins to see gross images and we’re not sure if he’s really seeing things or if they are supernatural manifestations. I’ll give it away now – it’s not all in his mind. I tell you that so you don’t have to go through the worrying of whether or not it was going to be a ‘cop out’ end. A little while in, other members start seeing things too so I was finally able to relax and go with the story.

Like Poltergeist, the best part of the movie is that you really come to like the family and root for them. The son is played by Kyle Gallner, who was in Veronica Mars and played The Flash on Smallville. He did a fantastic job creating an extremely vulnerable, sympathetic character. Virginia Madsen is also wonderful as the mother. Despite the fact that it’s PG-13, the movie is very scary and extremely creepy with very little blood. The ending surprised me and made me cry.

*There is a special unrated edition that turned black and white gore to red gore. I preferred the original. However there are many interesting featurettes and commentaries that are definitively worth it.

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GUEST POST: Why I love football.

December 11, 2008
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I’m not sure I had to specify that this was a Guest Post, because I’m sure you already know there is no way I’d write a post titled “Why I love football”, but I figured I’d specify it anyway. And that is the beauty of today’s post. Sports. We never talk about sports on here, and I’d say it’s about time we did. So I’m happy to welcome back my cousin Michelle who wants to share the reasons for her new found love of football with you:

1 – Not all the players look like Arnold Schwarzenegger:

I always envisioned football players having massive out of proportion hormone induced bodies. But that’s not the case at all, thankfully! They are all very tall – Eli Manning is 6’4 and brother Peyton is 6’5 for example. The shortest players like Ahmed Bradshaw are around 5’10. They also don’t have those abnormally big muscles. The linebackers don’t have to worry about running very far since they are responsible for tackling. So they are large (like 350 pounds!) but it’s more from fat than muscle. The others who do have to run are strong but as Goldilocks would say – just right. Like Eli… Do I have to say any more?

*Side note: I was really excited to find out there is an Eli Manning calendar. I was expecting the pics to be like that one. Instead they are like this…what an expression!

2 – The Calls:

There is a great interview with Peyton Manning on the Colts Superbowl DVD, in which he explains his strategy as Quarterback. Unlike many who simply use whatever play was called in the huddle. Peyton will often skip the huddle and decide what play to run after he’s seen how the defense has lined up. In order to tell his offense what play he has chosen, he uses all kinds of weird gestures and code words. The really funny thing is what the plays are called. Like Oklahoma, Bonanza and Ice Cream. It’s very amusing. Although it does kind of take away the drama of the moment.

3 – The Soap Opera Quality:

Ohhh, the drama! Learning about the different team rivalries and behind the scenes action is like following a soap opera. Such as the case when the coach of the San Diego Chargers left for Tampa Bay and gave all of the game tactics to them so they could beat the Chargers in the Superbowl. How awful is that? It’s not only entertaining in a gossipy sort of way. It makes the games more exciting when you know what’s happened before. Case in point: The Colts got to the Playoffs several years in a row, only to be beaten every time by the Patriots. In order to thwart Peyton’s stategy (see above), the defense would change their positions as he was making the calls so he wouldn’t know what they were doing. Also the Patriots fans made even more noise than usual to make it hard for him to communicate. Knowing all that, made watching the 2006 Playoff game when the Colts finally beat them even more intense and their victory all the sweeter.

4 – The Rules:

Understanding the rules of the game is a big part of the reason I started enjoying football. What still astounds me is the picky nature of many of them. If you catch a ball and you are out of bounds, it doesn’t count. Sounds simple, right? Not exactly…. They will replay it in super slow motion over and over, trying to distinguish not only if the feet were in bounds but every single millimeter of each foot was. If there is even a fraction on the line, it doesn’t count. It can be beyond frustrating. Of course this concentration on the minuscule can work the other way. For example, when the Giants played the Redskins, a penalty was called on Eli saying that he threw the ball when he was past the line of scrimmage (where the ball is placed.) The Giants challenged and the replay revealed that a teeny tiny part of his heel was still behind the line so the penalty was revoked!

5 – Wow! They’re actually human!

Another false belief that I had about football was believing that like other sports the game could be somehow rigged. After all they are making tons of money — win or lose, why would they care?

Watching the games dispelled any thoughts of this. The players are all tremendously invested emotionally in the outcome.

Take for instance, Tony Romo, the Quarterback of the Cowboys. Sure he’s known because he’s dating Jessica Simpson. But did you know that he actually cried when he fumbled the ball, causing the team to lose a playoff? I felt terrible for him but at the same time, it made me see him as human, not just a superstar.

6 – The Fun of the Game:

On the other side of the spectrum is the absolute joy that players show when they are winning. No where else can you see grown adult men jump up into each other’s arms in celebration. All the players do this and more – high fives, pat each others backs or butts etc. They will even practice what little dances they are going to do if and when they get a touchdown.

Brett Favre is probably the best example. He’s known not only because he will one day be in the Hall of Fame, he’s also known to be someone who shows to the Nth degree how much fun he is having. He still jumps up and down like a kid who got a pony for Christmas.

7 – Not being driven out of my skull (as much) by outrageous salaries:

I have to admit I used to be really miffed about sports players salaries. And I still believe that they are overpaid but it doesn’t bother me as much. Why? Yes, because in football your career isn’t that long. You are considered an old man if you’re 35. Yes, you are constantly putting your body on the line risking all kinds of broken bones and serious injuries. (Seeing a Cardinal player get knocked unconscious from helmet to helmet contact was very disturbing).

Mostly, though I started thinking about the criticism you are putting yourself in for. A movie star can get their ego hurt by a bad review but it’s so much worse for football players because fans take it so personally. If you are a winner, you’ll be treated like royalty but if you lose… Goodness help you! They couldn’t pay me enough money to have everyone in the city hate me. To have to go into every restaurant or store and have people boo or beat you up. No wonder the players need to have big egos!

8 – The Last Minute Saves:

The number one reason why I became addicted to football was because of the Superbowl last year when the Giants pulled a remarkable upset, beating the (to that point) undefeated Patriots. Nothing gets the blood pumping more than a game that comes down to the last plays in the final minutes of the game. This can be heartbreaking for the losers, such as the Chargers who lost their last four games in the final 24 seconds. Ouch!

In the case of the Superbowl however it was …different. The Patriots pulled ahead with just 2 minutes and thirty nine seconds left on the clock. Everyone especially the cocky Patriots assumed that it was all over. But Eli remained calm and determined and brought the Giants 82 yards in two minutes and scored the winning touchdown. I still get chills just thinking about it.

9 – The Miracle Plays:

Great plays don’t have to come at the end of the game. They can happen anytime. Plays that take your breath away. Like Colts receiver Marvin Harrison making a one handed catch. Or Giants Tight End, Kevin Boss weaving in out and high jumping over a tackler. In the last game against the Eagles, the Giants Kevin Dockery blocked a field goal and ran it back 71 yards for a touchdown in the last seven seconds of the half.

I have to go back to the Superbowl however for the best miracle play. In that last 2 minute 39 second drive. Eli Manning came this close to having the ball intercepted which would have ended the game. On the very next play, he was swamped by Patriots, everyone was sure he was going to be sacked (taken down). But somehow, someway he escaped and just heaved the ball down field 32 yards.

It happened so fast you didn’t even know if he knew where he was throwing.

David Tyree, who is not one of the regular receivers and who had dropped every ball in practice that week, leaped up, grabbing it, pinning it to his helmet to prevent the Patriot breathing down his neck from getting it. The audience screamed, the loudest happiest cheers I’ve ever heard because it was such a shock. A surprise. A miracle. Why I love football.

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GUEST POST: The Really, Really Obscure Awards!

July 31, 2008
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AKA An excuse to write about movies I have recently seen

1. Funniest deleted scene – Pink Panther

As much of a Steve Martin fan as I am, I had heard such bad things about the remake of the Pink Panther I put off seeing it. To my delight, it was funny and surprisingly sentimental. It was directed by Shawn Levy (Cheaper by the Dozen, Night at the Museum) who has a history of infusing comedies with that warm and fuzzy feeling. Steve Martin becomes his own unique and appealing Inspector Clouseau. His accent and pathetic attempts to say “I want to buy a hamburger” alone is hilarious. Jean Reno is a perfect straight man partner for him. An unexpected cameo by Jason Statham and some laugh out loud moments (try keeping a straight face when they dance in that “camouflage”) also make it worth watching. But the award I would give it however would be funniest deleted scene. It’s two parts where Clouseau accidentally makes the molding of the arch in Kevin Kline’s office fall down. The second time it falls to the floor, he declares “This is where it wants to be.” It reminds me of my favorite line from Twins when Arnold says upon tripping a pedestrian “The pavement was his enemy.” Ok, so neither of those moments reads as funny as they are. Go ahead and judge for yourself. It may not be as awesome as the new Get Smart but I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.

2. Most Unnecessary Camerawork – Sleuth

For me, Kenneth Branagh is the greatest living director on the planet. Michael Caine is one of the greatest actors on the planet. And Jude Law is so gorgeous, I could watch him all day long. What could possibly go wrong with the remake of Sleuth? Camerawork. Angles from above, angles from below, angles from below the waist, angle in on a single eye, angles in mirrors. Ken, Ken, Ken what were you thinking? You didn’t have to do anything (except write a better ending) to make these two actors in one house more interesting.

3. Creepiest, Cheesiest special effect – Solstice

Solstice is a fairly good direct to DVD horror movie from the makers of The Blair Witch Project. It’s about a girl who goes to a cabin with a group of friends and starts seeing what she believes is her sister who recently committed suicide. It has a likable cast (including Shawn Ashmore of Smallville), interesting mystery and one of the cheesiest special fx I’ve seen outside of Scifi Channel. Basically it was a black shadow (shaped like a Pacman ghost?) with glowing eyes. The weird thing is how much it creeped me out. The only thing I could think of was that it was closer to things I’ve thought I’ve seen when I was kid. Things from my child’s imagination that terrified me. I never saw a little girl with inexplicably unwashed hair over her face or a boy saying “Redrum! Redrum!”. In the dark of the basement or shed it was the shadows that scared me. The ones that seemed to turn to look at me. Was it really low budget and cheesy? Yes. Laughable? Pretty much. Creepy? Definitely.

4. Most self indulgent annoying performance – Julia Roberts in Oceans 12

Oceans 11 & 13 were entertaining but 12 should be skipped for a muddled plot and most of all for an incredibly annoying scene with Julia Roberts playing a character who is playing – Julia Roberts. It’s something that’s been done before such as in the otherwise superb show Due South which referred to Leslie Neilson’s character as looking like Leslie Neilson. But never have I seen it done for as long or as self indulgently as Julia Roberts’ performance. First there are unheard whispers about who this character looks like and should pretend to be in order to further their diamond heist. She coyly protests, “Oh no! I don’t look a thing like her!” They insist “Oh yes – it will work!” Reluctantly she agrees to pretend to be – surprise! Julia Roberts! The “joke” goes even further when she runs into Bruce Willis playing himself, mistaking her for Yes! Julia Roberts! Not only did it completely take me out of the movie, it aggravated the heck out of me. If I had been eating popcorn I would have thrown it at the screen.

5. American version better than Asian Version – The Eye

Often when the American movie machine gets a hold of an already well done foreign movie, it grinds it down til it’s a poor imitation of the original. Not so with the American version of The Eye. I saw the Asian version one day on IFC and enjoyed it. It was a ghost story in which the main character receives a donor pair of eyes and begins seeing dead people. It wasn’t jump out of your seat scary as much as sinisterly atmospheric. My only problem was the ending left me a little confused. Like most Asian horror movies, it was purposely abstract. The American version starred the immensely watchable Jessica Alba. The apparitions in it weren’t as frightening but the story was more understandable and the ending ultimately more satisfying. It was actually very touching and made me teary, something few horror movies do.

6. & 7. The “Get me the Hell out of this car” award:

There are many many great chase scenes and now with computer fx things can be done that couldn’t before. Some work, some don’t. The best still remain the ones that are actually done live. Lately they have developed new cameras that they can place inside cars during the chases and crashes. It really makes you feel like you are in the car with the driver. Two movies have used this technique to effectively unsettling results. The first is The Bourne Supremacy, the middle movie in the Bourne trilogy. There is a long car chase down narrow streets and across a 12 lane highway! For most of the chase, you feel like you are in the car with Matt Damon, shifting his gears, looking in his mirrors etc. By the time you hit the huge climax in a tunnel, you feel like you’re as beat up as his borrowed taxi-cab.


The other movie is We Own the Night, a gritty crime drama with Mark Walhberg and Joaquin Phoenix playing brothers on opposite sides of the law. There is a shocking car chase that takes place at night – in the pouring rain, shown totally from Joaquin’s point of view in his car. It’s unique and very disturbing. Neither of these descriptions do them justice, you have to rent them, experience them and then I bet you too will be saying “Get me the Hell Out of This Car!”

8. The “Get Me the Hell Out of this Movie” award:

As I’ve said before, I love scary movies. I love to be scared in scary movies. But once in a while comes a scene where the only thing keeping me in the seat is the death grip I have on the arm rests. The first time it happened to me was in Platoon when they were beating the villagers with their guns. I squirmed in my seat and kept looking at the exit as if I could will myself out of the theatre. The entire movie had been excruciatingly realistic, painful to watch and that particular scene was the worst. I wanted to stay because I felt it was an important movie, one I could learn from. It wasn’t a movie made to entertain.

That’s why I decided to give the award instead to a movie that was meant to entertain, The Descent, a horror movie about cave divers getting lost and encountering monsters. The one funny thing about the movie was that the monsters weren’t nearly as scary as the teeny tiny caves that they were trying to get through. For someone who is very claustrophobic (me me me) the scene in which one of the women gets stuck in a deep dark narrow tunnel was nauseating. Other movies not for the phobically inclined include Arachnophobia (spiders! Yick!) and the middle segment of Cat’s Eye with Robert Hays on a dizzingly high ledge.

9. Best DVD Revelation – Cloverfield

Cloverfield is one of my favorite movies of the year, containing one of my favorite monsters. I know many people couldn’t take the home video aspect, but for me that made it even more engrossing. I felt like I was actually there. I was certain that it would lose it’s effect on the small screen but happily it didn’t. I was just as absorbed. I was also able to stop, pause, slow mo- the scenes with the monster getting a better look and appreciation for it. The most interesting part for me though was the behind the scenes featurette which not only gave me a much better view of the entire monster, it revealed intriguing plot points that could easily be missed or didn’t make it into the movie at all. I won’t give it all away except for one tiny thing. It’s a baby! The humongous monster is only a infant and it’s rampaging the city is merely the actions of a poor scared baby monster crying out for it’s mommy! The creature fx people said they did this because they believed nothing could be worse than what a frightened trapped animal could do. Now I think it’s cute! Don’t you?

10. “Why don’t they have this feature on all DVDs?” award goes to Planet Terror

DVDs contain all kinds of special features: , director’s cuts, behind the scenes, commentaries, interviews and so on. A unique but kind of cute option on the Cabin Fever DVD, is called “Chick Vision”. With this feature activated, a pair of hands covers the screen during the scary extremely gory moments so you don’t have to cover your own eyes. It’s a cute if sexistly titled gimmick. The Return to House on Haunted Hill and Final Destination 3 both have little questions appear during the movie giving you different options such as being able to choose who lives or dies. It’s like a live version of those old “Choose your own adventure” books. This could be a very cool feature if only it was put in better movies.

But the award for “Why don’t they have that on all DVDs” definitely goes to Planet Terror because one of the audio tracks is an audience watching the movie along with you, recreating the excitement that one feels when you see a great movie with a large audience. Planet Terror is the perfect movie for this because it is made in the 70′s tradition with B movie gore thrown in (and over and around and..) It’s a great action-dark comedy-zombie movie. All the gasps, squeals and “ewwwww”s heard during the opening scene involving balls (not the bouncy kind) made it all the more funny and let you know right away what the tone of the movie is. People laughed at the appropriate parts and you can hear them scream or jump at the scares. Best of all – in the final action scene you can hear all the huge cheers, whooping and clapping when Rose McGowan turns her “disability” (lost leg) into her power (machine gun), she kicks major ass to save the day. The scene completely rocks and the ability to be able to share that experience over and over with an audience while in my own home is truly awesome.

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GUEST POST: Memorable Movie Endings

April 10, 2008
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Today I welcome back my cousin Michelle, who you may remember from our debate over Which is the Best Muppet and from her previous post about Movie Monsters. Today she’s posting about Memorable Movie Endings, which she does completely spoiler-free!

1. Twist Endings: the good and bad:
Growing up watching the Twilight Zone on video has both it’s pluses and minuses. On the one hand it made me appreciate a great twist but on the other it made it more difficult to be surprised. Cases in point – “The Sixth Sense” and “Identity”. Both great movies, particularly the latter because I love John Cusack and creepy hotels with people being killed one by one. Unfortunately, unlike many, I guessed the end in the first 10 minutes. Maybe it’s that my mind has become twisted by both The Zone and David Lynch movies. “Lost Highway” is another that I figured out early on. I still enjoy all those movies but I do miss having the “A-HA!” moment that others have. It does make me appreciate all the more those movies that do that for me like any Agatha Christie. She pulled the “Usual Suspects” twist first and the astonishing revelation at the end of “Murder on the Orient Express” left me dropped jawed. “Primal Fear” with Richard Gere defending Ed Norton and “Jacob’s Ladder” with Tim Robbins as a Vietnam vet also did manage to surprise me.

2. Shocking Ends that spoiled the rest for me:
The ending that I absolutely never saw coming was “The Mist” I’m fairly certain there has never been an ending like it before or since. Stephen King had left the short story open and believe me, I would much have preferred that. The real bummer for me was that I was really enjoying the movie up until that point. The characters were interesting, the monsters were scary, the people’s reactions were horrifying. Then BOOM! The end hit me like a ton of elephants. Despite it being ironic and very Twilight Zone-ish it left me feeling disturbed. The only ending that I have found worse was “The Life and Death of David Gale” containing a scene so vile I wish I had never seen it. But there was nothing redeemable about that movie for me. At least “The Mist” was worth watching.

3. Movies that made me cheer:
On to the other end of the spectrum are those super movies that make you cheer at the end. There are few experiences greater than being in a huge audience watching “Star Wars”, “Aliens”, or “The Karate Kid”. The clapping, hooting and stomping of feet that always came at the final scenes lifts the spirit and brings a lump to the thought and/or streaming tears. I sadly never saw “Jaws” in the movies but I’m told that it brought about the same reaction. If you are one of the three people who never saw those movies – RENT THEM NOW!

4. Endings that I can watch over and over:
Two lesser known movies that I would also heartily recommend are “Two Brothers” and “Hero At Large” Unlike the ones above these I can simply watch the last ten minutes and get that warm and fuzzy feeling. “Two Brothers” is about tigers that are separated when cubs and are brought together in a Gladiator style fight as adults. The movie does contain heartbreaking scenes when they are being mistreated by their human captors. But the ending is so sentimental and uplifting, it makes the whole thing worthwhile. “Hero at Large” is a movie with John Ritter playing a normal guy who dons a hero costume and decides to fight crime on his own. I remember watching the last ten minutes of this movie dozens of times when I was a kid, any time I needed a pick me up.

5. Oh, Come On! or “St. Elsewhere” Endings:
These are endings that some consider a twist, but what I say – Nay! Thou has undone everything that I have seen up til now. Movies like “The Game” with Michael Douglas, M. Night’s “The Village” or the old slasher film “April Fool’s Day”. Movies that don’t make me feel fooled as much as a fool. “The Village” was the most disappointing because I’m a fan of M. Night and it was advertised as being a horror movie. Instead it was more of a social commentary drama, not scary with an ending that made me groan. Better more intelligent movies such as “Donnie Darko” and “Mulhulland Drive” make you rethink everything that you’ve seen on the second viewing. But they don’t make you feel cheated and are therefore worth that second and third viewing.

6. Movies that make you feel like a bloodthirsty roman…in a good way:
These are the ‘revenge’ or standing up for yourself movies. Movies which bring out that primal instinct that we don’t want to admit having. Movies that make you cheer “Yah! Get ‘em!” or something like that at the end when the villain finally gets their comeuppance. Though I’m not a Jodie Foster fan, I did enjoy “The Brave One”. I mean who couldn’t like a heroine who growls “I want my dog back!” before dispatching one of the baddies. Also not crazy about Julia Roberts but the end of “Sleeping with the Enemy” gave me a similar feeling with her last line (which I won’t give away). There’s another old movie, “Defiance” with Jan Michael Vincent that we used to love as kids where he helps the townspeople stand up to a gang. It’s a serious version of “Blazing Saddles” or “The Three Amigos” (which I love). The movie “Death Sentence” with Kevin Bacon has a more realistic end to the tale of vengeance. But who wants realism in a movie like this? Give me my Kirk kicking Klingon off the cliff “I’ve had about enough of you” moment any day.

7. Movies that left me completely creeped out:
I love horror movies. “The Shining”, “The Exorcist” truly scared me so I can’t watch them that often. “Poltergeist”, “Jaws”, “JoyRide” and most recently “1408″ on the other hand scared me but they were just plain fun too. I can watch them time and time again. They leave you feeling scared but overall good at the end. Then there are those movies whose endings left me feeling completely creeped out like “The Ring”, “Dead Silence” and “May”. I saw “The Ring” in the movies and when the girl crawled out of the TV, I literally put my arms up in front of my face as if someone was trying to whack me on the head. It’s one of the only movies that gave me nightmares for days after. The director of “Saw” made “Dead Silence”. There aren’t many things creepier than ventriloquist dummies and the flashback end was surprising and ick-y. “May” is an independent and little known movie about a shy girl with an obsession for dolls who begins a gory search for the “perfect” guy. The final scene of this one had an even higher ick factor then “Dead Silence”. These are movies that keep giving you a chill on the back of your neck long after.

8. Endings that Make the Movie:
Ones that first come to mind are “The Royal Tennanbaums”, “Little Miss Sunshine” and “Wild at Heart”. The first two are both stories of dysfunctional families that come together in unexpectedly sentimental ways. “Little Miss Sunshine” is great from the start but the ending puts it over the top in my mind. “The Royal Tennanbaums”, I only enjoyed after seeing the ending. “Wild at Heart” (yet another David Lynch) is filled with crazy offbeat characters that you’re not even sure you like at first. But they grow on you and the movie has one of the most romantic endings ever. “Splash” being runner up.

9. Endings that make you cry and cry and…cry:
There are two types of movies that fall into this category – the difference between a good cry and a bad cry. Movies like “E.T.”, “Glory”, “Lassie” and “The Muppet Movie” (any Jim Henson will reduce me to tears) all made me cry but left me feeling good after. A bad cry to me is one that leaves me feeling down. Three that come to mind are “Phenomenon”, “My Life” and “Sunshine”. “Phenomenon” has John Travolta seeing a flash in the sky and then becoming smarter and smarter. It’s like “Flowers for Algernon” if anyone knows that. As much as I love John Travolta the ending leaves me feeling incredibly down. “Sunshine” is a sci-fi movie about a team going into space to reignite the sun and save the earth. It’s a fantastic story with great actors (Cillian Murphy & Chris Evans), is very suspenseful. I can’t even say the ending was bad but it left me in a puddle of tears. At least one knows what they are in for with “My Life” (Michael Keaton as a cancer patient who makes home movies so his new born son will know him). I sat in my car for 15 minutes after the movie ended bawling my eyes out. I would recommend all those movies but with a warning, you will want to have a feel good movie like “Snow Buddies” handy to recover after.

10. Best Climactic Revelation Endings:
Many movies have big revelations at the end, but few are as memorable and supercharged as “Saw”, “Signs” and “Dead Again” They have not so much endings as Grand Finales. “Saw” is the most notorious with it’s keep you guessing who is the villain plot. Like “Dead Silence” it’s revealed in fast paced dizzying editing with soaring music. Even though it was completely ghoulish, the directing makes you feel like it’s a triumph (of who I won’t say). “Signs” was one of the most beautiful and spiritual endings, everything coming together and displaying a message of hope that there is a reason for everything. Kenneth Branagh’s “Dead Again” is one of my top faves of all time and it’s largely due to the finale. Switching between flashbacks and present, the murderer is revealed and another key twist occurs, all the while the heroes are fighting for their lives. Patrick Doyle’s score is simply amazing adding that great orchestral crescendo. Again if you haven’t seen that one – RENT IT NOW!

WHICH MOVIE ENDINGS DO YOU GUYS LIKE?

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GUEST POST: The Monster Awards

March 7, 2008
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Everyone remembers my cousin Michelle right? She’s the one that kicked my butt in the “Which is the best Muppet?” debate. Well I asked her to do a guest post for me, and she was kind enough to oblige! Enjoy!

After enjoying Cloverfield so much, it got me thinking about other great monster movies. There are plenty more but I’ll confine myself to the ones that most easily come to mind. If I were to give awards it would go something like this. By the way, Cloverfield would probably get most dizzying yet effective.

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#1) Scariest ‘monster’ movie: Jaws
Not really much to say since the movie speaks so well for itself. It still holds up after all these years even though they didn’t have the technical FX that we have today. This was one that scared me to the bone and thrilled me to no end. I was definitely afraid of that shark and loved the characters so much that I still cheer at the end, despite being such an animal lover.

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#2) Coolest monster that I didn’t want to die: The Host
Okay, so it’s also the ugliest monster if you look close enough at it, but I still love it. In the opening scene it comes barreling down the pier, and gives you a look at the entire monster right away, breaking every tradition of hiding the monster. I’d say this movie is the antithesis of Jaws. Both because it was at its best when it showed the monster and because I did NOT want the monster to die. So what if it ate all those people and terrorized children? We made it after all and it just wanted to survive. My only problem with this movie therefore is the end. Like King Kong, I turn off the DVD for the last 10 minutes.

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#3) Movie from my childhood: Godzilla vs. Mothra
Every Sunday morning while I was growing up they would show a Godzilla movie at noon. There were only so many of them so even though there was no such thing as video, I saw it a gajillion times. Of course the FX are extremely outdated now but I still have a soft spot for this one. The horrendous dubbing didn’t even bother me at the time, considering that Sesame Street and The Muppets were my other TV mainstay. Godzilla was a monster that was (most of the time) okay to cheer for, he was in fact the good guy saving Japan from many other monsters. No worry here about Godzilla dying, he will in fact be back to save the day again. Runner up: Godzilla vs. The Smog Monster.

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#4) Movie that should have been lame but was actually good: Primeval
What you say? A movie about a giant crocodile is actually good? Yup. Unlike Lake Placid (which I also enjoyed) this movie takes itself and it’s croc seriously, with surprisingly good effect. There are many obvious tributes to Jaws throughout which are very scary, though the barrels have been replaced by a GPS locater. Dominic Purcell proves that he can actually act outside of Prison Break. Orlando Jones is great as the sidekick. The movie also has a second bad guy, a human called little Gustave who is responsible for more carnage than even big Gustave. And without being preachy, Primeval does manage to pose the question who is really worse, the human monster or the crocodile? I found myself terrified of the crocodile and at the same time rooted for him, especially at the end.

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#5) Best TV series that was supposed to be a movie: Surface
Without any question, this is far and away the best made for TV monster movie of all time, containing a scene which made me jump and scream so much I had to rewind it and watch it over and over. This time the tributes are to both Jaws and ET, since the creators are both Spielberg fans. It has a cute baby creature that I absolutely fell in love with, and the large (let’s just say a bigger boat won’t help here!) scary adult creatures. The mystery surrounding the creatures is extremely intriguing. I’m still angry that the show was canceled. However, the makers knew ahead of time that the show was going to be canceled so they were able to come to some kind of creepy resolution.

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#6 & #7) Most cute, adorable and deadly: TIE: Night of the Lepus and Black Sheep
The people that thought up these movies are seriously twisted and I adore them for it. Black Sheep although extremely bloody is definitely meant to be funny. It lets us see a world where the overwhelming flocks of sheep that New Zealand is known for, turn on the caretaker humans (a la The Birds). These sheep are MAAAAD! It contains many laugh out loud moments including: Our heroes make their way in the dark, hear a BAAAAA! and scream as if they’ve seen the shark from Jaws; A sheep attacking the driver of the truck in a fight that rivals Indy’s in Raiders of the Lost Ark. The only thing that I didn’t like was the were-sheep storyline. I prefer my sheep pure.

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Night of the Lepus (’72) on the other hand was made in the ’50′s tradition where radiation induced giant creatures (think Them!) ruled and was meant to be serious. The trailer and poster for the movie tried to keep the monsters a secret but the fact that they are cute and furry giant killer bunny rabbits is what makes this movie such a bizarre delight. The blood and fur don’t fly quite as much as in Black Sheep but those bunnies do have a nasty bite. It’s a B-movie by all means yet the scene of the giant bunnies coming over the hill to destroy the town is something wonderful to behold.

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#8) Best Game of Hide and Seek with a Monster: Alien and Aliens
Aliens – they’re here, they’re there, they’re everywhere! Most memorably and disgustingly ‘hiding’ inside John Hurt’s chest, the Aliens are the best at Hide and Seek. The first one is often compared to a haunted house in space because you really don’t want to know what’s around the corner. You would think something that big and ugly would be impossible to hide but nooooo! They were just as sneaky in the sequel, secreting themselves in the hive like caves. And remember those nimble little face-huggers tormenting Ripley and Newt when they were trapped? But the real prize goes the Queen Alien who was able to hide on the escaping ship for a last game of hide and seek with Newt before one of the greatest fights (Womano et Alieno) in movie history.

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#9) The “What the Hell is it?” award goes to the smoke monster in Lost.
Okay, so Lost isn’t really a monster TV show like Surface but it does contain what has to be one of the most original and perplexing monsters ever. First, it made itself known with a loud roar and crashing trees. It also killed the pilot by violently throwing him into tree trunks. To add to the mysterious nature, we also learn that it can project flashes of a person’s life to them. When Locke first encounters it, he says that he’s looked into the heart of the island and that it’s “beautiful”. The next time however, it not only scares him, it tries to drag him into a hole. When we finally get a look at it, it turns out to be long moving column of black smoke, which begs the question how can smoke physically drag a person and pummel them to death? It makes loud clinking chain like noises. Russo said that it was the Island’s security system (Ceberbus or Cynothoglys?). And now that we’ve learned that (possibly) time on the Island passes at different speed than the real world (think Star Trek: “Wink of an Eye”), maybe smokey exists in yet another speed? Whew. Apologies if you have no idea what I’m talking about. I love this show and will be so sorry when it ends.

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#10) Monster so real it made me cry: T-Rex in Jurassic Park
Mom likes to tell people that I could name all the dinosaurs when I was only two. Needless to say I was super excited to see Jurassic Park, and although I enjoyed the beginning, I have to say I was disappointed at our first glimpses. The baby Velociraptor and Triceratops seemed too puppet-like and the Brachiosaurus seemed too computer generated. Then came the T-Rex. Real tears streamed down my face because this one was utterly, completely there. He could have squashed the car, eaten the kids, whatever. All that mattered was that for the first time I felt like I was actually seeing a real live dinosaur. If I ever met Stan Winston and his genius team, I wouldn’t know how to thank him for making me believe. Yes, Michelle, there really is a dinosaur.

What are some of your favorite movie monsters? What monster awards would you give out?

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