Puntabulous

Have you ever been lying in bed at night, unable to sleep, wondering, “Oh my God…How does Olivia handle her feelings of happyness…?!” Well I have decided to put a stop to those questions for you! I deal with my happyness in extreme ways, and I’d like to share them with you.

*Warning! If you are SO behind everyone else in reading the last Harry Potter book, skip past stage eight! Because you’d hate me forever and I don’t want to do that to you.

Stage One: Letting the World Know

“Hi! Is this Latisha Forte? Great! You don’t know me, but I’m so HAPPY!”
As soon as something happens that makes me all bubbly inside, I’m sure to call as many people in the phonebook as possible, letting them know about how great I feel. The people I call don’t usually respond well to this, and are more often than not confused, but it’s fine with me.

Stage Two: Coping with feelings of Vulnerablility

“Ka-bow!”
After telling so many people about my happyness, I begin to feel vulnerable. I feel vulnerable because now everyone knows about this, and what if something goes wrong?! To cope with these feelings, I beat up nerds, like Parker!

Stage Three: Giving back to the Community

“Community service!!! Wooo!”
This is of course done by flashing large crowds of people, and apparently those people are very uninterested, as seen above. But it’s okay, because I’m in such a great mood, I don’t care!

Stage Four: Over-Excited Hugging

“I LOVE YOU GUYS!”
Eager to spread the happy vibe, I jump at the chance to hug anyone. Parker is often in the line of fire, and has learned to always expect a sneak attack. See, PERFECT hug, because he was READY! Most of the time the hugging is welcomed, but other times…well, let’s not talk about those.

Stage Five: Excessive Drinking

“LET’S JUST PARTY!”
As with other emotions, drinking is a must. After the sneak-hugging begins to get everyone pissed, I move on to the drunkedness stage of my happyness, this is just before…

Stage Six: Cage Fighting

“Ohhh Goddd…This was a really…bad…idea.”
Still in a drunken stupor, I decide it’s a good idea to try cage fighting. Of course, weighing just over 100 pounds, it really isn’t a good idea, and I go down in the first round, sporting a hot black eye.

Stage Seven: Promiscuous Sex

“Was that as good for you guys as it was for me?”
As with drinking, promiscuous sex is a must, however when happy, this stage involves mulitple partners. On a tiny couch, with a few shirts on. Sexy as HELL!

Stage Eight: Put Down Others

“And then Dumbledore DIES!!!!”
Feeling better than ever, I decide to take it up a notch by making others miserable. This involves telling them the end of Harry Potter books, episodes of Lost, and endings of movies. Notice the horrified faces.

Stage Nine: Bad Person

“It says HERE Sirius should have been way hotter…”
After making those around me miserable, and being alone, I decide to watch Harry Potter movies while reading the books just to be a bitch. Pointing out every wrong detail, I then right everything down, and send it to the director of the movie.

Stage Ten: More Hugging

“I’m still so happy! Spread the Love!!”
After the two mean stages are past, I’m still feeling full of glee and giggles, and I decide to go back to hugging. I also wear a hat in the second hugging stage and look really little.

For Puntabulous’s Stages of Sadness: CLICK HERE!

When I Google “Google,” it actually brings itself up. I’d rather it just pop up and say “You are a bitch.”

Even when I try really hard, I am never able to teleport.

There is never a good chance to save anyone’s life and get my picture in the paper and the key to the city. Of course, the city is in MS, and that’d still be pretty crappy.

Jonas Armstrong’s car never breaks down in front of my house, and I never get to show off my car fixing skillz. Really the only thing I know how to do is how to check the fluids, I couldn’t even figure out how to put air in my tire, but I did get help from a nice handsome fella (FANTASTIC oppurtunity to use the word “fella”), so it’s almost like I was rewarded for lack of skills.

A cop is never shot down at the bank and I never have to take his gun and save everyone. The cop wouldn’t die, but he would probably be a sissy cop and just be shot in the arm or something, but cry a lot, so I’d have to take over.

Parker never calls me fat so I never get to hit him for a reason. Unless the reason is not calling me fat.

I never get to go to the Catholic Church with Parker because his mom thinks I’m a bad influence. But of course, I don’t want to go to his Catholic-fest for the religion, I want to go see the gypsies. There are Irish Travelers at his church and I don’t get to see them!!!! It’s really unfair.

Demetri Martin never happens upon Puntabulous and falls in love with me. THAT is unfair.

Quiznos never burns down. Although once a coworker and I did almost start a fire in the microwave trying to make cookies.

This isn’t really something out there, but it’s still something that I want to do but never do. Mainly because I don’t want to do it all by myself because I’d look really crazy. But if someone else was with me, it might look less crazy, maybe even poetic, and if it were with some hot guy, then possibly romantic. Anyway, I want to roll around in the grass in this field near my house.

How fluffy does it look?!?! SO FLUFFY!

A while ago I mentioned my fascination with Japanese video things I find off You Tube. My favorite WAS the weird Excercise for Life Lessons Videos, if you remember, but I’ve found something that nearly tops those.

BEHOLD! KARMEN RIDER DEN-O!!!!

Okay! Now I have NO IDEA what that thing is even about, like…at all, but I was glued to it. Are they Power Rangers? Are they even good guys? Bad guys? Why do they live in a Teletubbie-esque house? Is that a house? Or a restaurant? Do we have any Japanese readers? Was that a Japanese video? I assume it is, because those are the best, but I was too perplexed to pay close attention.

And how about that phallic-ish Train/Subway in the part with the flying Train/Subway and the monster robot thing?

And those were crappy flowers too, if I had gotten those flowers, I’d be like, screw that guy, get me something with a little substance next time. And also, he had terrible hair.

It’s a beautiful Mississippi October afternoon in 2005. Young Olivia looks out the window and sees two of the neighbor’s million dogs in her yard. She is pissed, and storms out the door, ready to throw some rocks as is her custom.

Ten seconds after the first stone is cast, she realizes that something is up with these dogs. They cannot move apart from eachother. Olivia walks closer. And she sees this:

And those two dogs were stuck together. How so? Because they were having dog sex, and the boy dog was ridiculously larger than that poor little girl dog.

And I’M such a good person, even way back in 2005, that I run inside to get a camera. Because that’s something you don’t see too often.

And now I want to share it with you.

And it wasn’t some mediocre crisis, either. It wasn’t a fender-bender. It wasn’t running out of sugar while baking cookies, however that is terrible if that happens. I drank a large coke right before they locked the bathrooms at school. It. Was. A. Nightmare.

But first you have to know that crazy people run our school, and they lock the bathrooms as soon as the final bell rings. However, they usually leave two bathrooms at the back of the school open. Or so it would seem.

After I “Point of Personal Privileged” myself out of the debate, I strolled down the hall to the bathroom that was supposed to be opened. I turned to the girls’ door and—it was LOCKED!

Up until now I had been really optimistic about the whole situation, and with this newfound door lockage, I was really upset. With a ’shit, no’ I turned around to go back. Upon turning, I see the boys’ room. It’s unlocked.

And I have to say, I’m glad I’m a girl after seeing the state of that bathroom. It was just GROSS! Unsanitary! I don’t know what was on the wall in there, but it wasn’t something that a girl puts there!!

The moral of the story is this: It’s ridiculous to leave only a boys’ bathroom unlocked. But if you are a small girl filled with a large coke, you can tough it out, because you are a trooper.

“Wow, that really makes me feel sad.” This is a line uttered by many a sad person, and after this is said, or thought, said sad person deals with their said sadness in their own sad way. So now I present you with, the way I deal with my sad feelings.

Stage One: Crashing

“I hate me. I have no soul.”
Directly after being insulted, etc, my first response is to crash. I become a complete shell of a person, and am prone to lying on tables.

Stage Two: Rage

“WHERE THE HELL IS MY CHAPSTICK!!!! FUCK!”
After being a soul-less shell, I quickly move to the next stage of sadness: rage. Even a simple task such as finding my chapstick, or tying a shoe (As to why I’m freaking out over a box full of paper, I don’t know), becomes a huge ordeal, driving me to the brink of insanity before…

Stage Three: Nervous Breakdown

“OH…MY…GOD….”
The nervous breakdown stage can be identified easily by spotting the Olivia rocking gently in a dark corner, accompanied with slightly random yelling.

Stage Four: Excessive Drinking

“WOO! I LOVE EVERYONE!”
After the first three very pathetic and melancholy-ish stages, the drunken stage of my sadness is welcomed by my peers. During this stage, I become excessively clingy. Normally this would annoy friends and family, but it’s a happy time for everyone after the first three really terrible stages.

Stage Five: Becoming Hysterical

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T HAVE CHOCOLATE CHIP!?”
After I sober up a bit, I realize again how miserable I am, and become hysterical, a stage that includes crazy paper ripping as shown above.

Stage Six: Becoming a Poet

“Violets are blue….you suck…”
Realizing my terrible habits, and the true Absurdist way of life, I slip into a poetry phase.

Stage Seven: Becoming an Art Lover

“This painting symbolizes so much of what I’m feeling right now…”
Still in a very creative phase, I next become an art critic.

Stage Eight: Vietnam Flashbacks

“What happened?”
“VIET-GOD DAMN-NAM’S WHAT HAPPENED!” **
Despite not actually being in the war, or any war for that matter, I go through a series of flashbacks taking me back to the Vietnam War. I’d watch out for me in this stage.

Stage Nine: Promiscuous Sex to up my Self-Esteem

“Wow! I’m a winner!”
After the flashbacks fade away, I begin feeling down again. At this point, I begin to have promiscuous sex to make me feel better about myself. And wow! It works!

**Line taken from a hysterical episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

It’s inevitable, you are bound to run into someone whom you know strictly through the internet at some point in your life. This sort of situation can go down in a few ways: awkwardly, phenomenally, or not at all. Here is a guide based on my real life experiences, which are few and uneventful:

Situation One: You and said internet person did not plan to meet, but just ran into each other.

Awkward: You had a weird, internet love experience. Upon seeing this person, you call their name out in a friendly manner. You both then realize how weird the situation is and make small talk. Previous visions of magical, real-life love affair is completely lost.

How to fix it: Next time, think before you yell names.

Situation Two: You have spoken to this person, but not outside of the internet world. You have learned that you two are very much alike and are buddies.

Great! - This is not awkward, because you both think you’re great! And not in that fake “my-mom-thinks-I’m-great” kind of way either. Actual greatness.

How to mess up the situation: Asking for money, revealing a personal detail (“Hey! The price of this coffee is the same as my social security number!”), or making a really terrible joke.

Situation Three: This person has been stalking you, and leaves you odd messages.

Not at All! - Do not make eye contact and RUN! Don’t actually run though, as this may draw attention to you. If with a friend (the fatter the better), hide behind said friend, and casually walk away.

If person spots you, be sure that you have a universal “Jesus, save me” signal with everyone you know. Mine is intense twitching, because this also turns your stalker off, and they will think you are crazy and no longer wish to speak to you. Your friend, if they are smart, will dial your cell phone, and you will be able to make an excuse to leave.

Yesterday I went to Walmart to get some snacks, and I came upon something interesting.

While I reached for some delicious Garden Salsa Sunchips…

It took me a minute, but then I realized that there was a random box of condoms, and that the aisle I was on was no where near the pharmacy section. So I took a closer look…

That is an opened box of condoms. Someone shoplifed, out of their box, the pleasure pack. And left the box in the chip aisle. Who does that!? And in the chip aisle of all places! It would have been ten times better in either the toy or pet section though.

And it’s really a downer! But it’ll be okay, because I have a few favorite things that I’d like to share with you guys. These favorite things make me feel better even with the mild fever and constant feeling of my head being filled with either hamsters or kittens.

One of my most favorite things is very new. This favorite things is Jonas Armstrong. Observe…

If you have not watched the first two episodes of the new BBC Robin Hood series you are missing out. I have near abandoned all other love interests for this man. Sorry Peter from Heroes, you are kind of a sissy. Robin is the one for me. He has sparkly eyes and all you have is emo hair.

The next favorite thing isn’t new, but it is new to me. Check this out:

And you have to admit, it is a catchy song. My favorite part is definitely the dancing though. And the part where the man singer says that if he “could touch your hind it would be divine.”

This favorite things is also the favorite of millions of other people too, but I must say, that 300 (the movie, dur.) was effing FANTASTIC! It taught me that the secret to fighting really, really well is to wear some tight, sexy little speedo and a cape. I really would like a cape, always have, and this movie just made me want one that much more. But it’s not like a cape is widely accepted in society. Did you see that episode of Seinfeld? I did.

Other things I have been enjoying lately include the knowlege that they sell dead animals on ebay, the fact that my co-worker cannot swallow a pill, therefore I had to crush it up for him and trick him into ingesting it, and as always, candy. Candy is really pretty great.

After watching Heroes, I have to wonder, if I were to have a super power, what would that power be? Because it has to be something cool, and unexpected. Not just the regular old Superman-type things, but so much more. Then I decided, I would want a bunch of abilities, and also candy. But candy is something readily available to me, where laser vision is not.

I would, first of all, want to have a good outfit. Because really, the outfit is everything. Examples: Spiderman. Cool outfit. Claire on Heroes. Chearleader outfit, and when she doesn’t have that on, usually a good outfit anyway. Without a great outfit, no one can take you seriously as a super hero. I can’t just walk into a burning building with a fanny pack on, and go “hey! I’m here to save you!” Those people in that building would DIE as a result of my poor fashion choice. But if I went into that building with some totally in right now wedge heels with a peep-toe and in a sling-back style, those folks would just run to me!

Next, I would have to make sure I had a good power. Not, like Craig pointed out, some crappy Wonder Twin thing. And if I were even to morph into a microscope, I’d just kill myself right there. Because THAT is an embarrassing power. So at least one of my amazing abilities would be some sort of super brain that could move things. And also set things on fire, etc. Not just plain telekinesis, I would also create rain and snow with my mind. This ability would allow me to do many things, flying myself around included.

I’d want to have flawless skin, and a great tan. Really I want this now, but I’d want it even more if I were in the public eye saving lives and such. Especially the tan. But I’d never have to go outside or in an unsanitary tanning bed. I’d also want my legs to be naturally hairless, because I would have no time to do such silly things as shave my legs. I’d be saving babies!

Lastly, I’d want a great name. Olivia is pretty fantastic in the first place, I feel it strikes fear into some hearts, but it needs something added on. Olivia-The People’s Hero. NO! Too corny. Olivia-Will Cut You if You Mess with Her or Her People. I like it.