Pauline Baynes is the amazing artist who illustrated The Chronicles of Narnia series, among many other childrens books. Her illustrations are both simple and beyond charming. But I realized that it’s fun to take her illustrations and give them a new meaning by adding a caption. Here are the results:
Lewis: So the DVD for Voyage of the Dawn Treader came out on Friday.
Tolkien: Oh yeah? The DVDs for Lord of the Rings is coming out on a few months.
Lewis: I thought they came out already?
Tolkien: No, those were the DVDs, these are the blu-rays or some shit like that. I don’t really get technology. I thought a pixel was a piece of fairydust since about a week ago.
Lewis: No, I know. But I thought the blu-rays came out already.
Tolkien: No, those were the theatrical editions. These are the extended editions.
Lewis: Oooh, yeah, that bullshit. Yeah, they tried pulling that extended edition crap with the Narnia movies. They added – like – eight minutes. Didn’t really fly. Probably because the Narnia movies are crap.
Tolkien: Well not as bad as the Lord of the Rings movies, surely.
Lewis: Are you fucking kidding me? The Lord of the Rings won oscars! The Narnia movies are like the retarded cousin of the Harry Potter movies.
Tolkien: Oh, don’t even get me started on that Rowling bitch. Dementors! FUCKING DEMENTORS! If ever I saw a wraith ripoff in my afterlife, it was those fuckers.
Lewis: I know! And none of her animals talked. What the shit was up with that?
Tolkien: Well yeah, whatever. Talking animals. (cough)
Lewis: Shut up! Talking animals are relevant!
Tolkien: Right. (cough) Anyway, did you even see the Lord of the Rings movies? They were utter bullshit. They got everything wrong! And they cut out Tom Bombadil!
Lewis: thankgod.
Tolkien: What did you say?
Lewis: Nothing. But at least they got your main characters right! Aslan was supposed to be the size of an elephant in Prince Caspian. AN ELEPHANT! How can you take a talking capital L Lion seriously if it’s just a normal sized lion?
Tolkien: youcanttakeanytalkinganimalseriously.
Lewis: What?
Tolkien: Nothing. Besides! They got my most main character all wrong too! Frodo is an adult in the series! He’s older than the other hobbits for a reason! Frodo and Sam’s relationship is supposed to be reminiscent of a World War One army officer and their servant! And they totally blew it! And Elijah Fucking Wood has got to be the worst actor on the face of the planet. Did you see both times he passed out? DID YOU FUCKING SEE THAT?! He went on for about 15 minutes before he finally keeled over! Even I was rooting for him to die!
Lewis: Yeah, and then maybe one of the eagles could’ve just taken the ring to Mordor instead.
Tolkien: Oh fuck you, I’m not justifying the stupid eagle shit again. Everyone thinks they’re so fucking original by asking why the fucking eagles didn’t just take the ring to Mordor. Just give it a rest people!
Lewis: Seems like someone’s overcompensating for a bit of writer’s regret.
Tolkien: The Horse and His Boy.
Lewis: Oh shut up. Back to my original point, I have two words for you: Helm’s Deep.
Tolkien: Okay, yeah, that was pretty badass. But seriously, Legolas skateboarding down the stairs? When I saw that for the first time, I started spinning for no reason, and then I realized it was because I was turning over in my grave!
Lewis: At least your characters did something cool! The only cool character in the Narnia movies was the White Witch, and she’s the bad guy! And a woman! Ugh. They even crammed her into the second two movies even though she wasn’t in those books!
Tolkien: But Reepicheep! That little fucker was slicing peoples throats in a PG movie! That is – like – the definition of cool!
Lewis: Yeah, but they couldn’t even get the same guy to voice him in both movies! Oh, are you too busy to do a little voice work Izzard? Not too busy to dress up in women’s clothing though, eh?!
Tolkien and Lewis: And they kept showing us instead of telling! JINX!
Tolkien: They actually showed us the ents storming Isengard instead of just hearing about it in an extended dialog weeks later! Where’s the art in that?!
Lewis: They did that with the end of the first movie too! Who wants to be in the middle of an exciting battle when you can hear someone tell you about it later on?!
Tolkien: I know!
Lewis: Well it seems as though we’re at an impasse.
Tolkien: Hey, there’s a Harry Potter marathon on, wanna watch?
Lewis: Fuck yeah. Is it pre or post Hot Hermione?
Tolkien: There’s a pre?
END SCENE
So I finished Y: The Last Man yesterday. It was amazing through and through. Do I wish the finale and epilogue had a bit more oomph in it? Yes. But It was still an incredible series that any fan of science fiction should read.
So (screw you Nemesissy) I’m officially halfway through Y: The Last Man. I finished volume five which left off with our merry band of misfits in search of Ampersand and possibly heading to Japan. This series in incredible! You would think with such a long series (there are 60 issues altogether) they would have to reach some sort of holding pattern where they’d stall things for a while, but so far there has been no such thing. Shit just keeps on happening and happening and happening! No Lost (so many TV shows suffer from this, but it’s fun to pick on Lost) syndrome here!
I love the relationship between our three main characters. There’s nothing quite like camaraderie in fiction done right. It comes along rarely, but when it does, it’s amazing. I love this line from Dr. Mann after Yorick begs her to promise to keep working on saving mankind if he dies:
“As opposed to what? Throwing myself in the casket with you? I think I’ll find a way to soldier on, you diva.”
That totally had me giggling chuckling heartily on the train. The woman next to me probably knew thought I was insane. I have really grown to adore these characters, especially 355, who is just awesomely badass. I also love Hero’s storyline and I hope hope hope it doesn’t end tragically!
Seriously, every fan of comics and graphic novels (and science fiction fans in general) should have to read this. It’s just that good. Like, it’s Watchmen and The Long Halloween good. I hope they get to make a movie (trilogy?) about this someday and that Shia LaBeouf stays as far away from it as humanly possible.
So I finished volume one of Y: The Last Man on friday and I used the $50 gift card to Barnes and Noble which has been burning a hole in my pocket since my birthday in November to buy volumes two through five. It really goes to show how much I like something if I’m willing to part with a precious gift card. The book is amazing. Tons of action and humor along with a really compelling story to keep things moving. I love how the writer’s seemed to have thought of everything when it comes to a situation where all the world’s men (except one, obvs) drop dead. I thought the shift in Washington DC politics and the chaos that caused was particularly clever, as well as the Daughters of the Amazon burning down all the sperm banks. I started volume two this morning and I’m really excited to see where things go. I’ll keep you guys updated on my progress.
So I finished The Maze Runner by James Dashner yesterday. My friend Meg recommended it since she knew how much I enjoyed The Hunger Games. After a bit of a rough start (I may or may not have texted my friend Meg “If they don’t start giving Thomas some answers, I’m gonna throw this book out the window!”) I really fell in love. The beginning was just difficult to read because it reminded me a lot of the third season of Lost where the Others were in total control and were horrible to our castaways.
Because you see, the book it about a group of boys who are trapped in a humungous maze filled with these ridiculously scary monsters called Grievers and our main character Thomas is the latest one to join the group. For the first few chapters, all the other characters were absolutely horrible to Thomas and I just couldn’t stand it. Besides reminding me of my frustrations with Lost, I think another problem for me was that it reminded me of growing up and not fitting in with all the other boys. I think it just brought up some bad memories and just made me uncomfortable.
But enough of that, because a few chapters in, Thomas is (for the most part) accepted by all the other boys and the story really takes over. I don’t want to get too much into the story, but it’s about the boys living together and trying to escape the maze. I loved the way the author went into such detail about how the boys lived and the regime they established, and then having Thomas come in and throw everything into disarray.
The book doesn’t have as much wall-to-wall action as The Hunger Games, but the suspense and mystery behind the whole story kept me turning pages like a madman. Seriously, the end of every single chapter was like OMG WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT?! that I read for much longer than I usually do on my train rides to and from work before passing out. Sometimes I ever stayed awake the whole train ride! Egads!
So yeah, if you’re looking for something fun to read, definitely check this out! Now I’m finally reading Y: The Last Man, Vol. 1: Unmanned, which my friends Donya and Travis got me over the summer while I wait for the second Maze Runner book The Scorch Trials to come in the mail.
So I finished Joss Whedon’s Astonishing X-Men series yesterday. This was only my second X-Men graphic novel after the Dark Phoenix Saga, and I’m reminded that even though I love Batman, and his graphic novels are my favorite, I really really freaking love X-Men too. Always have. From the 90′s cartoon, to the movies, to the video games, they just kick serious amounts of ass.
Now combine that with my love of Joss Whedon and I’m in heaven. Seriously, this was an amazing series! Granted I don’t know much about X-Men from the graphic novels, but I was really impressed with what he did with Kitty Pryde. It was almost like having Buffy back in my life. Even with the bit characters like Armor, Whedon handles female characters in a way that Hollywood just can’t seem to get right.
Not to say that he doesn’t do his male characters justice, because he most certainly does. I loved the continuing beer gags with Wolverine, and his eventual relationship with Armor. And Beast had me snickering on the train like a crazy person. Particularly when him and his frenemy Agent Brand got caught in a blizzard and he said:
You’re amoral, you’re abrasive, and right now you’re looking at me like I’m a Taun-Taun.
The story begins with a “cure” for the mutant gene (a story that was then semi-used for the X-Men: The Last Stand movie) and eventually evolves into a story putting the entire world in danger. I often forget how much X-Men skews into science fiction territory, but I like it. It’s a nice change of pace from the realer, grittier Batman graphic novels I usually read.
So yeah, there’s not much else to tell. The series is full of twists and turns (the Danger storyline was great fun) with great revelations (“I object!”) and loads of Whedon wit (see above). It makes me want to read more X-Men. I have the first volume of the Grant Morrison New X-Men series I can start. Does anyone else have any other recommendations?
God bless Michelle M. for sending me the first book in The Hunger Games trilogy by Suzanne Collins, appropriately titled The Hunger Games. It sat on my bookshelf for a while, too long really, before I picked it up and started reading it and I was immediately blown away. Even though it’s a young adult novel, it was the most action-packed, savage, intelligent book I had read in a long time, possibly ever. Collins hardly took any time getting us to the arena where twenty four young adults would fight to the death, and the action and suspense were unrelenting from beginning to end. It was one of those books where I was dying to get out of work so I could get on the train and read some more.
Thankfully, my own ignorance prevented me from reading the first Hunger Games book until the second one was already published, and the third was only about a couple months away. I don’t know what I would have done if I had to wait long between these books, especially considering the cliffhangers they leave you with. To me, nothing will ever compare to the first Hunger Games, but the second and third books, Catching Fire and Mockingjay respectively, do a superb job at continuing the story and expanding upon the world and cast of characters and eventually bringing everything to a satisfying conclusion.
Mockingjay started off a bit rough for me. Like most young adult novels, the main protagonist seems required to doubt themselves at every turn. Katniss has certainly been no exception in the first two books of the series, but here in Mockingjay, she starts off as a shell of her former greatness, and takes a while to build herself up again. Of course it’s all due to her circumstances, and if any of us had been through half of what she went through, we’d probably be a whole hell of a lot worse, but still, when she gets in one of her benders, she isn’t the most fun person to read about. But the final installment in the trilogy was another awesome book, on par with Catching Fire, both just slightly below the first Hunger Games.
I’ve often said how I’m a big old sap. I enjoy sappy things, my writing is sappy, I enjoy stories that are black and white with heroes that are impossibly noble, and if any of them have to die, they die in a blaze of glory with fireworks and tears and all the hoopla I feel it requires. The Hunger Games trilogy is not in the least bit sappy, and the last few chapters of Mockingjay drive that point home. But I love it even more for that reason. It pounds you in the head with how awful life is, and the excruciating choices these characters have to face, and you don’t always agree with them, but then Collins surprises you with the sweetest bit of sentimentality that has the ability to turn you into a weepy (good weepy) mess on the train. Hypothetically speaking of course, if you just so happened to be reading this on a train. Shut up, I have something in my eye!
So please do yourself a favor and read these books. I promise you won’t regret it!
So I was reading Star Wars: Fate of the Jedi: Allies on my way to work this morning, and at one point Luke and Ben Skywalker are on Klatooine (yeah, stupid name) where the native species describe how a treaty they signed millennia ago keep them enslaved to the Hutts. They ask Ben for help freeing them and I think to myself “But that’s in violation of the Prime Directive!” Sigh. But any good nerd worth their weight in latinum knows that even though the Prime Directive is the most important law in Starfleet, it’s really just a suggested guideline and Picard would have helped them out anyway.
Joss Whedon wrote the introduction to the graphic novel Identity Crisis published by DC Comics, which includes the following snippet:
Mainstream comics (particularly the two titans, DC and that other one) are a universe, one that is as established and often unfathomable as the real one.
Besides writing for X-Men, a Marvel keystone, he’s now set to direct The Avengers movie, which is surely Marvel’s most ambitious film to date. Has he even written for DC?
As for Identity Crisis, it was good, not great. I enjoyed the overall mystery, but the story jumped around a bit too much and included a lot of two bit villains I didn’t know a damn thing about. Don’t get me wrong, I always enjoy learning more about lesser known characters (I keep my phone handy to check out their wikipedia pages) but I felt a few too many were introduced and never really contributed much to the overall story. Still a fun read though.