Puntabulous

Hello! And welcome to another edition of Puntabulous Guest Debates! Today I welcome queer activist, writer, aspiring lawyer, and all-around decent human being Jere from Blind Prophecy. Today we are here to prove that literally anything can be a debate topic:

Jere: I can’t believe we even have to debate this, pirates are so obviously superior to ninjas. Pirates are courageous, fun-loving killers with manly facial hair and bling. Ninjas are joyless cowards who hide in the shadows and cover up their pathetic hairless chins with basic black pajamas. Pirates get to say fun things like “plunder your booty” and “aarrrgh” while ninjas never say anything at all because if they did someone might see them hiding in doorway and do that jump-and-kick-both-legs-out thing that invariably knocks those ninjas unconscious two at a time. Get on with your bilge, ye lily-livered landlubber!

Craig: Shiver Me Timbers! You couldn’t be more wrong! You think pirates get to say fun things? What the heck does “shiver me timbers” even mean? Maybe it has something to do with their wooden legs made of timber? Oh wait, but why do they have wooden legs, you ask? That’s right! Pirates are nothing more than filthy scurvy ridden petri dishes on legs! Or leg, as the case may be. Ninjas on the other hand are the pinnacle of self discipline and physical fitness! In fact, while pirates are out in the ocean pillaging others without regard or remorse, Ninjas are back on land, fighting the good fight, assassinating evil warlords and defending the common folk! I’d ask Ninjas to defend themselves, but I wouldn’t want them to blow their cover right before snapping the neck of an evil-doer.

Jere: Yawn! See, you say “blah blah self discipline blah blah” and I hear “nerds who don’t know how to have fun.”

Pirate: Hey, ninja, want to go out this weekend? We’re going to pick up some wenches, find a secluded beach in the Caribbean, and get tanked on rum.
Ninja: I can’t. You know I don’t drink, besides, I have to practice Advance Hiding in my drafty warehouse.
Pirate: Oh, come on, a little sun and fresh ocean breeze would be good for you. We might even dig up some buried treasure!
Ninja: No, you guys go have fun, I’ll just sit at home and play with my nunchaka.

Now pirates, they know how to enjoy life! As for your slanderous accusations about disease, it’s called hard-living. A pirate who loses his arm or leg or eye in a fight is still going to kick your butt. Ninjas don’t do that. If they get hurt, suddenly they’re whining about workman’s compensation until someone shuffles them off to a mountaintop monastery with a token teaching position.

Craig: All those reasons your stated for ninjas being boring, I just see it as ninjas making sacrifices for the greater good! What good ever happened from getting wasted off your ass on a beach? The sand is only going to irritate all those diseased sores they have all over their bodies from being so filthy. And those wenches their picking up? They’re raping them. That’s right. You’re pretty much condoning rape. Way to go, dick bag. This isn’t some lame Disney franchise that sucked hardcore after the first movie. This is real life, and they’re ain’t no wise cracking Jack Sparrows or pretty boy Orlando Blooms aboard this ship. Just the scourge of the seas: Hepatitis B-eard! And Ninjas aren’t so sweet and innocent as your proclaim. There was one man who trained with them to learn how to fight evil, and if you called this man a whiner, he’d shove a Batarang up your ass.

Jere: Oh, yeah, I remember a movie about a psychotic millionaire vigilante with abandonment issues training with a group of ninjas. Remind me what happened at the end of that training? No, wait, I remember… the ninjas turned out to be evil and got the shit kicked out of them by a pretty boy with a chip on his shoulder. Then those ninjas showed up again and tried to destroy a city. What wonderful role models for “the greater good.” But I’m glad you brought up the difference between real life and fantasy because I remember a time not so long ago when I was watching CNN and Anderson Cooper was reporting about a group of badasses who were challenging the international corporate shipping machine around Indonesia and Somalia… that’s right, real-life modern-day pirates are relevant to the world. When is the last time you heard about a real ninja doing anything? I mean, the closest thing you’ve got to a modern ninja is douchebag Republican tool Chuck Norris.

Craig: First off, regardless of his political affiliations, Chuck Norris is awesome. And he isn’t a ninja, he’s a Texas Ranger, whatever that means. Furthermore, you can’t have it both ways. You can’t be all like: “Ninjas are dorks!” when I say all the good things they do, and then be all like: “Ninjas are evil!” when I retaliate your dorky accusations with a comment on their badassery. Pick one argument and stick with it. I’m merely stating that ninjas are multifaceted people who can do good things in badass ways. Pirates on the other hand can’t even spell multifaceted. And that piracy in Somalia you’re so fond of? Maybe if you weren’t so enamored by Anderson Cooper, you’d actually listen to the news report and know that the piracy has lead to an increase in shipping costs due to the added security needed to escort ships through troubled waters. And you know damn well that those added costs are being filtered down to us consumers! Oh yeah, and $150 million U.S. taxpayer dollars have gone to Somali pirates in the past year as ransom money. So basically pirates are adding to our current financial crisis. Way to go pirates! Yo ho ho and a bottle of fuck you.

Jere: Yeah, after you said Chuck “homosexuality is ‘aberrant sexual behavior’” Norris is awesome, I stopped listening to your crazy ramblings. Look, you may not know this, but most bookstores have sections other than Star Wars novels. One of these sections is the “romance” genre. I’m not claiming the novels found here are great literature, but they sell. If you ever do wander around this section of the bookstore, you know what you’ll see? Pirates. Lot’s of hunky, bodice-ripping, bulging-muscled, throbbing-membered, flowing-haired, tanned and gorgeous pirates. You know what I don’t see in the masturbation-fodder section of the store? Ninjas. You know where I do see a lot of ninjas? On Youtube.

Craig: Well then I guess it’s a good thing Chuck Norris isn’t a ninja then, huh? Maybe if we were debating Pirates versus Republicans you’d stand a chance. But alas, it’s Pirates versus Ninjas and you’ve resorted to using romance novel covers for your arguments, and everyone knows that Fabio is not an actual pirate, but rather he is the catalyst for women to pirate their own vaginas while reading a book with his rippling bodice on its cover. But enough about how you spend your Sunday afternoons. Besides, if you want romance, why not go for a man with a little mystery in his life? Who doesn’t get turned on by the dark, mysterious figure, hidden in shadows, watching your every move? It’s an erotic game of hide and seek! And even if they’re ugly you can tell them to leave the mask on. Oh baby! Also, if you go for a ninja, you save yourself from any unfortunate “walk my plank” jokes.

Jere: You know who was the greatest enemy of the pirates? The British. You know who else hates the British? Americans. Not to mention that pirates totally knew about America before it was all cool to know about America. They were the original fans. Also, it’s the God-given right of all Americans to download Britney Spears music off the internet in that great American pasttime known as “music piracy.” Pirates are as American as apple pie and credit card debt. Now, as an American, I only know three things about Korea or China or whatever Asian country it is that ninjas come from: 1) that I’m hungry again an hour after eating their food, B) they’re taking our jobs by making better electronics and cars and stuff, and IV) they’re Commie freedom-haters. So tell me, Craig Benedict, why do you hate America?

Craig: Ah ha! You reveal your true nature! A racist! “Or whatever Asian country it is that ninjas come from.” So I suppose it does not matter to you that ninjas originate from Japan? Nor does it not matter to you that the word ninja stems from the Japanese words for “stealthy person”? No, no, all Asian countries are the same to you. It’s all starting to make sense now. And you call ME the communist? Pirates are the ones that live outside of countries, without race, without economy, without religion. They are the ones devoid of all other defining characteristics besides what makes them a pirate. In your perfect world no pirate is allowed to stand out from the rest. Even if they get their hand chopped off, it’s always replaced with a hook. Really? A hook is the best they can come up with? Why not a nunchuk? Or a chainsaw? Or a laser? No, because a pirate is a pirate is a pirate, and all pirates have to be exactly alike in Jere’s perfect world, free of uniqueness. Sure, one might have a black beard, and another might have a red beard, but let’s face it, pirates all look alike. And yes, the same could be said about ninjas but at least there’s a reason behind it. I’ll let the ninja standing right behind you explain. Oh, you didn’t see the ninja standing right behind you? Exactly.

Jere: So in conclusion: Han Solo and Chewbacca, pirates.

Craig: So in conclusion: Star Wars stopped being cool after 1980, and a ninja killed Jar Jar and ate him with a nice salad. THE END. Dah duh! Dah duh! Dah duh! Da da da daaa!

So who do you guys think won? Don’t let the fact that his pirate costume is a million times better than my ninja costume sway your opinion!

Be sure to head over to Jere’s blog: Blind Prophecy!

Think you could do better? Send me an e-mail with a topic you’d like to debate with me! If you’ve previously sent me a topic, and I never got back to you, or if we haven’t started the debating process yet, send me a reminder! I’m very forgetful! If you can’t think of a topic, but want to do a debate, send me an e-mail with your interests and we’ll work one out together! For more Puntabulous Debates CLICK HERE!

Hello everyone, and welcome to another edition of Puntabulous Guest Debates! Today I welcome the fabulous and talented Jewelz from the blog World According to Jewelz. In today’s debate the opponents may be pint-sized, but the stakes have never been larger!

Jewelz: First off, much as one would like to be all peaceful, loving, communal, and non-judging… this one fact remains: Appearances count for A LOT. My favorite Pop Icon of ALL TIME would be none other than HELLO KITTY. I have unabashedly worshiped her (in an almost deity-type way) since she came on the social scene of my 10 year old world back in 1976. Now… looking at Hello Kitty, you will see a sweet, almost virginal, kitty face with wide eyes (all the better to appreciate the wonders of the world) and no mouth (because she speaks from her heart). She also has a wide variety of accouterments that serve to show that not only is she a pop icon, but she is a trend-setting fashionista as well. She wears a wide assortment of colored bows, flowers, crowns, and even the occasional gothic punk get-up (proving that she truly is appealing to the many demographics in the population).

Craig: Oh my my my, I’m afraid I’m going to have to disagree. The best Pop Icon of all time is OF COURSE Ms. Pac-Man. Not only is she the best Pop Icon of all time, she is the best video game of all time. When video games were all about the boys, Ms. Pac-Man burst onto the scene with larger than life attitude, mouth, and bow and she conquered everything in her path. Oh, did I mention that she’s kinda like a superhero too? Because she dedicates her life to killing ghosts. Except that she doesn’t wear a disguise because she’s just that badass. In fact, without her, I’m pretty sure there would never have been a Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Sydney Bristow, not to mention the human race, because Inky, Blinky, Winky and Sue would have killed us all if not for her dedication. Whenever someone says “Who ya gonna call?” I always reply “Ms. Pac-Man!”

Jewelz: While you may think Ms. Pac-Man is a virtual (i.e. because she really only lives on in outdated video games that are set up at hole-in-the wall dive bars) superhero, you are oh so very wrong my friend. First off, she doesn’t wear a cape, and ALL Superheroes worth their weight in spandex wear capes. Also, looking at Ms. Pac-Man all I can say (and this is putting it as kindly as I can), is that she looks like a pie chart. Sure, they tried to dress her up with some lipstick (whorish color, in my opinion), a bow (which only comes in red, and I’m sorry to inform you that red does NOT go with everything), and she has no appendages with which to move around (which defies the laws of physics… it’s not like she has one of those Rascal Scooters to help her along). Plus, while Hello Kitty brings a message of peace, love, and harmony, your so-called “superhero” simply munches up pixel-laden ghosts and says “waka-waka-waka”.

Craig: Oh there are so many things wrong with your statement! The ghosts only say “waka-waka-waka” to trick you into thinking they are cute little Fozzy ghosts! But they’re not! They are evil and vicious and only Ms. Pac-Man can protect us from their wrath! Secondly, I’ve seen many pictures of Hello Kitty with a red bow in her hair! Are you saying she’s a whore or makes redundant fashion choices? You know what I DON’T see pictures of Hello Kitty doing? Saving the world! In fact, what does she even do? She just sits there like a lump of uselessness. She doesn’t even have a mouth! She couldn’t eat deadly ghosts even if she wanted to! Not that she would because she’s too busy sitting there collecting flowers or holding a teddy bear, or any number of things that contribute absolutely nothing to society. Hello Kitty may be hoping for world peace, but there’s a difference between wishing for it, and making it happen.

Jewelz: Saving the world isn’t ALWAYS about showing off your ability to eat stupid little ghosties who multiply simply by sending their squinky eyeballs back to the “Monster Making Machine”. Someone might want to mention the words “Weight Watchers” to Ms. Pac-Man, because she seems to munch down floating cherries and pretzels on sight as well. Let’s practice some self-control, shall we??? Anydoodle, sometimes saving the world happens simply through showing by example. Hello Kitty spreads her world peace message by happily skipping through meadows and collecting friends as well as flowers. She also designs a multitude of products that are helpful to the human race as a whole… keyboards, vacuum cleaners, toasters, coffeemakers, luggage, and even a vibrator!!! And as far as being bad ass, IF some stupid little ghost named Inky, Blinky, Winky, or Sue managed to find their way out of their maze, Hello Kitty also has an official AK-47 with her endorsement. Often times world peace is brought about by those who live by example. Other times, it’s brought about by force. And with an AK-47 in her back pocket and a whole world of Sanrio friends who would stand by her in her time of need, Hello Kitty is a helluva force to contend with.

Craig: Hello! Hello Kitty didn’t DESIGN all those products. She just sold out to consumerist America for a quick buck. What kind of image is she trying to portray? A caffeine addicted maid with a penchant for carbohydrates and masturbation? Is that really the image we want to be giving our children? Ms. Pac-Man on the other hand is an inspiration to children all over the world! She isn’t afraid to be a larger than life woman. She’s like the Mo’Nique of the video game world! And she’s showing children that you don’t have to be an anorexic, feable-minded little kitty to be a beautiful strong woman. Didn’t you know? Waifish went out of style after Ally McBeal got canceled. It’s all about women with a little meat on their bones these days! And if you ask me, it appears to be paying off because Ms. Pac-Man landed herself a Pac-Man and some adorable little Pac-Babies. Poor Hello Kitty is sad and alone. She’ll die an old maid (with a penchant for carbohydrates and masturbation) and no one will be there at her funeral to say Goodbye Kitty!

Jewelz: Oh, oh, oh… what a tangled web of deceit Ms. Pac-Man weaves. While she is out whoring around with her bright red lipstick and oversized bow, Mr. Pac-Man is at home dealing with a bunch of whiney-ass Pac-Babies… most of whom bear a striking resemblance to Inky, Blinky, Winky, and even Sue! Hello Kitty will most definitely NOT be dying as an old maid. If you ever visit SanrioTown, you will find that she has an entire family, and even a boyfriend named Daniel. She has friends the world over: Badtzmaru, My Melody, Little Twin Stars, Charmy Kitty, Cinnamaroll, Keroppi, Pocaccho, not to mention the entire Asian continent. PLUS all of her fans here. Her funeral (heaven forbid) would be “standing room only”. As far as carb-loading and masturbation are concerned, what Hello Kitty does behind closed doors is her business only (after all… if she doesn’t speak it from her heart, we aren’t going to be hearing about it). She does wonderfully positive PR events like attending weddings as a special guest and store openings with gigantic Swarovski crystal covered statues of her. Your “hero” stars in D-List Porn movies and has reproductions of her made out of Post-It notes. Clearly part of being The All Time Greatest Pop Icon has to do with having some amount of class. Hello Kitty is able to pick and choose, apparently Ms. Pac-Man will simply take the highest bidder.

Craig: Now you’re just getting ridiculous! To insinuate that Pac-Man is not the father of Ms. Pac-Man’s babies is just outrageous. And to suggest that their father is actually one of the ghosts? Ghastly! Someone’s been watching a bit too much Grey’s Anatomy if you think anyone can get it on with a ghost. And all these PR events and weddings you keep prattling on about only help to reinforce the fact that Hello Kitty doesn’t do anything. She’s like the Paris Hilton of pop icons! She’s famous for being famous. You say she makes the world a better place by spreading joy and making people feel better, but how can that be the case if she does not make ME feel better? And that’s the major catch that makes Hello Kitty so lame. The only way she spreads joy is if you’re already a fan of her’s and you enjoy seeing her. Ms. Pac-Man on the other hand is a feminist icon and her mere existence is helping women the world over, not just the women who like her. And Cinnamaroll? Seriously?

Jewelz: Before I say anything else… Paris Hilton is a total “wannabe’ as far as Hello Kitty is concerned. Paris wears clothes and ‘bling’ that has Hello Kitty on it. Hello Kitty does NOT wear any items designed by Paris Hilton. Hello Kitty has far too much class for that. In fact, she has designers like Kimora Lee Simmons copying her famous fashion sense. Now, back to ’saving the world’ and all of that horseshit. Hello Kitty does waaaaay more than just show up at social events. She has a flipping entire amusement park dedicated to her, which shows the devotion of the global populace… and not just women either. She doesn’t do gender discrimination the way that Ms.Pac-Man does. And if Ms. Pac-Man is the feminist in which you claim her to be, then why the hell did she take Pac-Man’s name when they married? She’s a pretender, no real substance there. In fact, I’m even questioning if she truly exists or if perhaps it was simply a public relations spin for Pac-Man himself. Dress him up to look like a girl (cross-dressing isn’t exactly an unknown phenomenon, you know) and all of sudden he’s popular again. I’m not a “twig” by any stretch of the imagination, but I wouldn’t be using Ms.Pac-Man as my role model for body image. I’m all for embracing who you are, but puh-leez… she looks like a bright yellow pizza with a piece already eaten by one of her lame fans, no doubt. Not that she has any… oh wait, she has YOU. (You probably ate the piece of pizza, didn’t you?)

Craig: First of all, Ms. Pac-Man does not look like pizza, pizza looks like Ms. Pac-Man. Secondly, saying that Ms. Pac-Man is lame because she looks like a pizza doesn’t make any sense. Pizza is awesome, and therefore would only add to Ms. Pac-Man’s awesomeness. Now, I’ve tried to be gentle, but the time for gentleness has passed. It’s time that I got right down to business, and if it sounds mean, there’s nothing I can do to help it. Hello Kitty is a freak. I mean, have you LOOKED at her? I mean, REALLY looked at her? Her dark beady eyes are about a mile apart, and her whiskers are in the wrong place. What the fuzz are they doing on the other side of her eyes? They’re supposed to be around her nose. And then there’s her mouth. Oh wait, what mouth? And she’s almost always sitting. I have a sneaking suspicion those little stubs she calls legs don’t even work. If Hello Kitty were an actual kitty, she’d be put down before you could say “waka waka”.

Jewelz: My, my, my….the gloves have come off indeed, and now my Hello Kitty claws are sharpened and ready for some serious action. Ms. Pac-Man is a HAS BEEN. Ask anyone below the age of say… 30ish and they have know freaking clue WHO Ms. Pac-Man is. Mention Hello Kitty’s name? And every one knows who you are referring to. She is simply that intensely popular, which is just one of the reasons she is the ultimate Pop Icon of ALL Times. I’m a little confused by your reference to Hello Kitty’s legs, because at least she HAS some. What the hell does Ms.Pac-Man use for transport? Does she just pass a lot of gas from all of that eating and the force moves her forward? Is she using some sort of invisible flying rug? She has NO arms OR legs. Maybe she’s using Hello Kitty’s car or airplane to get around. Hello Kitty uses her legs for skipping and her arms for hugging. Ms. Pac-Man uses that rather formidable looking mouth to eat whatever crosses her path. Hello Kitty doesn’t need a mouth because she speaks from her heart, and isn’t that really the way problems get solved? World peace and problems aren’t solved by superheroes (they’re all drunk back at the Hall of Justice). It comes from people sitting down face to face and simply working it out by sharing their feelings and accepting the feelings of the other. Hello Kitty is like the global epitome of “problem solving through peace”. And finally, Hello Kitty has “macho people” who wear things with her image on them. Ms. Pac-Man has people dressed up in sad little cardboard costumes that were obviously made by people who wear helmets.

You say cardboard, I say innovation! Whoever has the time and money to put together a Hello Kitty Darth Vader costume obviously has to work through some serious prioritization issues. And also, gay gay gay! Seriously, that costume is gayer than Hayden Christensen. Cardboard costumes harken back to the days of yore, when we were all broke college students, and we’d steal quarters from our laundry money jars so we could taste the sweet success of getting to the scary red maze board after a hard physics test. Or to meeting friends at the townie bar where they had Ms. Pac-Man rather than the lame student club where drunk college girls would get their Hello Kitty glitter in our Milwaukee’s Best. Or to playing all hours of the night with my best friend Robin where she would kick my ass without fail, and I’d hear stories of her epic trials playing the elusive Turbo Ms. Pac-Man on a dark and stormy night. You can keep your fancy costumes, your fancy vibrators, and your fancy arms and legs. Who needs them?! I have Ms. Pac-Man, the strength to fight demonic poltergeists, and the courage to insert 25 cents bitches!

So who do you guys think won?

Be sure to head over to Jewelz’ blog: World According to Jewelz!

Think you could do better? Send me an e-mail with a topic you’d like to debate with me! If you’ve previously sent me a topic, and I never got back to you, or if we haven’t started the debating process yet, send me a reminder! I’m very forgetful! If you can’t think of a topic, but want to do a debate, send me an e-mail with your interests and we’ll work one out together! For more Puntabulous Debates CLICK HERE!

Listen up people: I need guest debaters! I’m all out and I need your help to do this. (I apologize if you’ve e-mailed me before and we never got started, but my memory sucks, so please e-mail me again. Sorry!) I’ve asked people in the past why they don’t want to do a debate and I get the same answers, so I’m here to try and ease your mind and hopefully interest you in a debate.

Question: Do you need a blog to do a debate?
Answer: No. As my cousin Michelle proved in our Muppet debate, you don’t need a blog to do a debate.

Question: What if I’m anonymous? What if I don’t want to use pictures of myself?
Answer: Doesn’t matter. As Avitable proved with our Star Wars vs Star Trek debate, you can do a debate without using pictures of yourself.

Question: But I don’t have enough time! (Okay, that’s not a question, but it’s a concern of some people.)
Answer: Who cares? The debating process can take weeks. We can take our time, e-mailing back and forth with our arguments days apart, taking advantage of free moments we have. Heck, me and Brian started our Star Trek debate in September, and we didn’t finish it until December!

Question: I’ve already done a debate with you, can I do another?
Answer: Yes! By all means of course you can! Casey from Moosh in Indy did both our Cookie vs Brownie and Tall vs Short debates.

Question: What if I can’t think of a good topic to debate?
Answer: Well you’re in luck! I’m a creative genius! So just e-mail me with some of your interests and we’ll work out a topic together! Or we can think up something completely random, like: Which is the cutest baby animal? or Who is the best actor of all time?

So what do you say? Interested? Send me an e-mail now!

Welcome to another edition of Puntabulous Guest Debates! Today I am pleased to welcome Brian from the online magazine Spangle Magazine! Spangle is Cleveland and Northeast Ohio’s premier source for arts, entertainment and culture for the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender communities. Get your dork hats on because today we are going to tackle a topic that would bring a tear to any science fiction lover’s eye:

WHICH IS THE BEST STAR TREK MOVIE?

Brian: So what’s the best Star Trek movie? If we’re going to debate that, look no further than the acting. We might as well ignore the Original vs. Next Generation casting, as that’s a whole other debate. So let’s look at guest stars. You want the easy route? Rely on the “Very-Important-Actor” gimmick: Throw Academy Award nominees (F. Murray Abraham, Alfre Woodard, Whoopi Goldberg and James Cromwell) or Stage People (Donna Murphy, Christopher Plummer and Tom Hardy) in a room together. Now you want to talk about rising above a challenge? That’s Wrath of Khan, which created film history by casting Mr. Roarke, the future star of Veronica’s Closet and an actress whose next biggest role was famously described by Ouiser Boudreaux as “two pigs fightin’ under a blanket.” And when you overcome those long odds? That’s an achievement, son.

Craig: Your argument reminds me of my Elementary School Graduation. After all the awards like the Math Award and the Art Award and the Science Award (which I got, thank you very much) were given out, the principal got up on stage and gave out the “Principal’s Choice Award” to all the students “who always gave their best”. And you know who got those awards? That’s right. The kids who didn’t get any other awards. So basically you want me to believe that Wrath of Khan is the best because all the actors suck? Or something? I wasn’t really following. First Contact is so unbelievably the best Star Trek movie. It has the best villains, the best special effects, the best captain, and now that you mention it, the best actors.

Brian: Well, Gov. Palin, you’ve certainly got me beat, what with your extraordinary debate tactic of citing lies and exaggerations as the Gospel. (Thank you, though, for mentioning Elementary School Graduations — I took home nine awards from Lakeridge Elementary that day, including Math, Art, Writing and, yes, Science. Nine times as many as any other fifth-grader that afternoon.) We could be here all week while I pick apart the four untruths of that last sentence of yours, but let’s just start with the first — best villain?! Yes, let’s take the most bad-ass TV sci-fi villains ever, throw out their entire frightening hive-mind mythology, and give them a queen. A queen who, by the way, apparently can be killed with bare hands and then miraculously show up in a shitty UPN spin-off a few years later. Ultimately, though, the problem is that the bad-ass became weak-ass because their actions have no lasting consequences; the only person of importance offed by the Borg is new lieutenant and sacrificial offering Neal McDonough. (His four lines are awesome. Just awesome.) Khan? Khan’s actions send the Enterprise to the scrap yard; massacre trainees, including Scotty’s nephew; and kill, in a devastating scene — spoiler alert — SPOCK!

Craig: Oh I’m sorry. Are the Borg not threatening enough? Because besides killing Atlantic City Film Festival’s award winning Best Actor Neal McDonough, the Borg also killed the ENTIRE HUMAN RACE and assimilated them into the Borg hive before the valiant crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise E went back in time and defeated them. And what’s wrong with having a Borg Queen? Every great hive needs a Queen to bring order to the chaos. Oh, unless you judge a villain by their breasts. I’m pretty sure the Queen’s were robotic, which might not be your thing. But if you love enormous plastic man boobs, then by all means Ricardo Mantalban’s Khan is by far the superior villain. Seriously, what are with those things? They’re bigger than Uhura’s, Saavik’s, and Scotty’s combined. And don’t even get me started on that “devastating” death scene that actually didn’t mean a damn thing because he was brought back to life in the next movie. Nice life or death consequences! Oh, except that death part.

Brian: Quoth Leonard Nimoy, on page 200 of I, Spock: “An interesting sidebar: As Khan, Montalban wore a costume that showed off his chest, which was so impressively developed that many viewers speculated it might be a false breastplate. I’m here to tell you: It most definitely wasn’t! Those were Montalban’s enviable pecs.” But of course, we’ve learned from a previous guest debate about your aversion to exercise, so we can’t count on you for a fair appreciation of Montalban’s mass. Speaking of ta-tas, let’s talk about that boob of a director, Jonathan Frakes — otherwise known as “Two Takes Frakes” by his actors. How about a third take, Riker? Perhaps you wouldn’t end up with so many ass line readings, such as Brent Spiner’s: “Sir, I think I speak for everyone when I say: To hell with our orders.” Painful. Can I please turn my emotion chip off?

Craig: Oh no you didn’t! You did not just make fun of Data’s lines. Because everything coming out of Data’s mouth is pure genius. But then again, I suppose when you’re used to the schtick that’s in Wrath of Khan (Oh look! The silly Russian man-boy doesn’t know how to properly enunciate the letter V! LOL!) the cleverness of First Contact might not be your cup of tea (Earl Grey. Hot.). And what’s so bad about only having two takes? When you have actors like Patrick Stewart and crew you don’t have to have more than two takes. Would you care to tell the world renowned classically trained actor that he should try it once again? But wait, weren’t you the one who said that Wrath of Khan was better because of the crappy actors? (Which I still haven’t quite figured out.) And Jonathan Frakes isn’t just an awesome (and quick!) director, he’s a star too! Who directed Wrath of Khan? Hold on, I have to look it up. Nicholas Meyer. Who’s that? His last directing credit was the 1999 TV film Vendetta. Guess things haven’t worked out too well for him. It’s sad to think that Wrath of Khan was a high point in his career. I would have thought you could only go up after that.

Brian: “Because everything coming out of Data’s mouth is pure genius”?!?! Evidence A: Ol’ Yellow Eyes is Back. Data’s stunt album of old pop standards, released and quickly sent to the trash heap in 1991. And that’s all I really need to say about that.

Craig: Oh do you even understand the door you just opened? Because if we’re going to talk about music albums by Star Trek actors how about we discuss the utter shitfest of the original crew’s musical endeavors? You haven’t lived until you heard William Shatner’s version of “Mr. Tambourine Man”. And I say that because once you hear it, you’ll go back in time and mix in a day-after-pill in your mom’s scrambled eggs the day after your conception to ensure that you’re never born. And then there is THIS which I just have no words. No words. Brent Spiner singing “When I Fall In Love” doesn’t sound so bad now, does it? Need another reason to love First Contact? Worf. No one in the original crew matches his badassery. “Assimilate this!” Boo ya!

Brian: Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Bad ass? Worf is defeated in battle when someone … punctures his space suit. That’s not bad ass, that’s just bad writing. And since we’ve already addressed poor dialogue, let’s mention some other poor plot points. For instance, only Picard knows how to defeat the Borg cube, but he keeps that information to himself. What, he couldn’t have pulled out his Blackberry and texted Starfleet the information? And then he destroys the deflector dish, but the ship manages to zoom back to the future without protective shields? Lame, and just bad physics. Ultimately, here’s why Khan is superior: It’s epic, but simple. Man vs. man. Hero vs. villain. A bloody, brutal fight to the finish that effectively destroys two ships, two crews and an entire nebula. And yet there is cathartic rebirth in the ending. Perfection.

Craig: Defeated in battle? Um, he was incapacitated for like, maybe a second, before he stitched up the hole using the amputated arm of a Borg drone that he cut off himself. That my friend, is badass. And you call Kirk and Khan’s showdown a bloody, brutal fight? You mean a fight where the hero and villain never even meet face to face? Yeah, that sounds really epic. More like septic! Hey-yo! At least Picard had the courage to face the Borg Queen herself in his daring plan to rescue Data from her evil robotic clutches. Star Trek: First Contact doesn’t end with a whiz bang space ship battle. No, that’s too easy and predictable. First Contact ended with three people in a room. Redefining what it means to be human. Dueling it out with little more than the power of the human mind. And to me, there is nothing more epic.

Brian: Oh noooooo! We wouldn’t want a whiz-bang space-ship battle to end a science fiction movie … set in space. That would be tewwible. Also, Picard’s daring plan to rescue Data is about as daring as President Bush’s plan to save the economy: Walk into a room filled with the people who are actually in charge and say, “Pretty please?” Also, which powerful human mind saved the day? I recall that it was Data’s decidedly non-human, android CPU. But as my red light is flashing and our moderator is glaring at me off-camera, I can’t waste any more time trying to debunk your lies and half-truths. Instead, I shall simply say this: Wrath of Khan beget Search for Spock, which beget The Voyage Home — an honest-to-goodness trilogy of Trek heaven that has never been attempted since. First Contact led to Insurrection, which led to Nemesis, which pretty much led to Paramount sending the entire series into a slingshot around the sun in hopes that the Original crew could save the sorry mess the Trekiverse has become. And that sad legacy is the simple truth of why you are wrong.

Craig: Wait a second. So Wrath of Khan is better than First Contact because it led up to the far more awesome (but still not as awesome as First Contact) Voyage Home? Frankly that line of thinking is rather… illogical. Yes, Insurrection and Nemesis were less than satisfactory follow-ups, but why should that impact the superiority of First Contact? First Contact has a better crew, a stronger villain, and a far more engaging story than any other Trek in history. And that little “slingshot around the sun” remark of your’s is old school Trek, made in a time when audiences weren’t smart enough to think about why in hell would slingshotting around the sun send you back in time. People these days (the Next Generation of movie-watchers, one might say) expect a bit more from their movies. Could you imagine Shatner’s hammy, scene-chewing dialogue hitting the big screen nowadays? It would get laughed right out of the theater. People enjoy Wrath of Khan because they grew up with it. They forgive it’s (many) flaws because it brings them back to their childhood. It was the first Star Trek movie that really had the scope that Trek fans wanted, and for that, I can respect it. But it’s time for Wrath of Khan to be put of to pasture. First Contact is here to stay.

So who do you guys think won?

Be sure to head over to Brian’s site: Spangle Magazine!

Think you could do better? Send me an e-mail with a topic you’d like to debate with me! If you’ve previously sent me a topic, and I never got back to you, or if we haven’t started the debating process yet, send me a reminder! I’m very forgetful! If you can’t think of a topic, but want to do a debate, send me an e-mail with your interests and we’ll work one out together! For more Puntabulous Debates CLICK HERE!

Well lookie here! Puntabulous Guest Debates have returned! And who better to get us back into the debating swing than Casey from Moosh in Indy? Last time we had an epic battle over Cookies and Brownies. This time it’s personal!

TODAY’S TOPIC: TALL VS SHORT!

Casey: How do long car rides treat you Craig? Pretty uncomfortable right? No leg room, no head room, gah, that can’t be fun. Well, okay, so you can pay a whole lot extra for the “bigger” rental car. Or you can pay a bunch of money for cars with all sorts of leg room. But then there’s the gas thing. You see, cars that fit people like you aren’t so good on the gas. And with fuel nearing $5.00 a gallon you would either have to be the son of an oil tycoon or flat out MoneyBagsMcAnally to be able to afford driving anywhere. (And I’m pretty sure we’re all aware that you’re neither.) I guess you could just not have friends, take the back seat out, slide the front seat all the way back and your problem is solved. But me on the other hand? I can fit in a packed clown car and still have room to stretch out and enjoy a can of Pringles and a frosty pop.

Craig: Long cars rides in my modest sedan are fine, and I thank you for your concern, which I will just pretend was sincere. Speaking of cars, I bet you’re one of those short people that borrows the cars of tall people and returns them with the seat all the way pushed up to the steering wheel because your little insignificant legs can’t reach the pedals and you’re not nice enough to return the car in the condition you got it in. And the poor magnificent tall person who was kind enough to lend you their car in the first place is the victim of extreme squishing when they unknowingly sit in the seat right after you return it. CoughRudeCough! Anyway, being tall is awesome. Ever hear of the phrase “short, dark and handsome”? There’s a reason why America’s Next Top Model has a height requirement of at least 5′7″. Modeling is about more than just knowing how to smile with your eyes. It’s about the whole package, and the package isn’t complete without the proper height.

Casey: Honey, ANTM ended months ago. Let’s talk about SYTYCD. Frankly the tall dancers? They were a little on the lurpy side. Sure they were all kinds of pretty when they were twirling! and with the lines! OH! the beautiful! LINES! But when they stood still they just looked like big sweaty misplaced trees with heads. Did anybody else notice that the SHORT dancer won? Being short people can use words like “cute” and “adorable” and “pocket sized” to compliment you. Don’t forget “button” and “tiny” and “petite”. However one would require a grand stretch of the imagination to compliment a giant. How many ways are there to say “tall”? Honestly? Here, I’ll try. “Hey Craig, you’re looking awful, uh, vertical today.” See? Short is easy to relate to, enjoyable, “cute” even. Tall’s just kind of, overbearing and lanky. And occasionally creepy. Besides, you know I could spank those ANTM girls any day at smiling with my eyes, height requirement or not.

Craig: Um, excuse me. Do the words “statuesque”, “grand”, and “strapping” suddenly have negative connotations that I’m not aware of? Oh, and let’s not forget about “towering”! That’s right! I’m not tall, I’m a towering hunk of man beef! But don’t worry, you’re not short either. You’re abbreviated, truncated, and squat. Boy, thesauruses are fun! And fine, I’ll admit that short people make cooler dancers because they’re so easy to spin like tops. Plus it’s easy to pop and lock when your arms and legs are so small that all you have to do is move your body and your arms and legs automatically move along with it. But how about professional sports? Tall people have advantages in basketball, volleyball, and just about every other sport I can think of. I don’t think there’s a single sport where being short is an advantage. Oh wait, maybe hide and seek. But then you end up being hidden too well and people forget about you and then they stop looking for you, because if you’re going to forget to find someone it’s certainly not going to be the statuesque one.

Casey: Hello. I’d like you to meet my friends the gymnasts. Gym-nasty if you ask me. Bulging muscles, the ability to hover in midair, those toned rear ends. Makes me just shiver thinking of all those well developed muscles. However your freakishly tall athletes? Just that. Freakish. They had to play basketball and become swimmers because they couldn’t find any normal clothes to fit them. Which brings me to another point. It’s so easy for me to get my pants hemmed to the perfect length. I can even leave them long and wear big pretty heels that all the gays covet. However, being tall, I’ll bet a lot of the pants you find leave you looking like Erkel. Dude, where’s the flood?

Craig: Um, are you seriously comparing yourself to female gymnasts? Because for every adorable Dominique Moceanu there’s about a dozen crazy, squeaky-voiced Kerri Strugs. And as for clothing, I have no idea what you’re talking about, since for gay men, belly shirts are completely normal. Besides, who thinks it’s cool to have to roll up your pants so they don’t drag along the ground. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Now I’d like to ask you about the last parade you attended. Was it crowded? Was it hard to get a spot in the front row, by the street? How was your view? Pretty difficult to see over everyone, right? Aw, what a shame! If you were tall, no matter where you are, you have a great view!

Casey: Alas I was referring to male gymnasts. Alexi Nemov anyone? I dare you to find a tall man with those kind of muscles and ability to hover. (Hulk Hogan doesn’t count.) And actually, now that you mention it, my small spry frame allows me to deftly maneuver in places you tall people are unable to get to. Actually allowing me, yes little ol’ me, the best seat at the parade. And movies? I can promise you that every time you go to a movie someone wishes for your head to be cut off. Yes. Off. I don’t care how cute you are in that belly shirt, you’re head is blocking our view of Shia Labeouf and we won’t stand for it. Now hand over your pink card assuming I roll up my pants. Any practicing gay man should have a good tailor on speed dial. I’m a stay at home mom and even I have a tailor on speed dial. Oh? What’s that? No one wants to tailor your never ending pants? Too bad. You’ll just have to admire mine.

Craig: I don’t know what kind of crappy movie theaters you have in Indiana, but here in New York we have a little thing called stadium seating. So my height shouldn’t be a problem for all you violent shorties who seat themselves behind me knowing full well what they’re getting themselves into. And why would I need a tailor? They actually make clothes in my size! You short people are the ones who need the normal sized clothing tailored to meet your stumpy needs. Either that or you’re shopping in the petite section with Dakota Fanning. Let me ask you this: How do you reach things on tall shelves? Either you have to ask a handsome tall stranger such as myself to help you out, which we will do out of the kindness of our hearts. Or you have to lug out a chair or stool like some sort of child trying to reach the faucet. Either option proves that short people are incapable of simple tasks.

Casey: Oh my darling Craig. Do you even have any idea how much money I save on clothes because I’m still able to shop at Gap Kids? I’ll just say this: BUNCHES. And don’t be hatin’ on the stool. Because it’s tall freaks like you that come over to my house and rest on my stool, probably because the air up where you are is so thin. It’s likely to kill anyones IQ by at least a couple dozen points. But that’s okay, because when you’re at the library you can reach all the really long boring books on the top shelf that the rest of the normal sized world has forgotten about. You know, the ones on motivated scientific reasoning biases, epistemological beliefs, and theory polarization. That should be able to bring the ol’ thin air IQ back up a couple of clicks. In the meantime I’ll be reading Martha’s new cookie book down here in my beanbag chair. Oh? You want a beanbag chair too? Sorry dude, bean bag chairs in your size are called hot air balloons and I’m fresh out.

Craig: Oh, I bet you feel so fabulous shopping at Gap Kids too. Nothing says “sophistication” quite like going to a fancy dinner party wearing a pink polka dotted jumper. And be sure to get ready for your fancy dinner party by cooking something fun and delicious. Oh, you should probably try a new recipe so you’ll want to go to the library to take out a new cook book. You know, those books that are so big they need to be kept on the top shelf. There’s another reason books are kept on the top shelves: because they’re so awesome. And awesome books need to be kept out of reach of children (and short people) with sticky book-ruining fingers. Seriously, where do you put your fingers? Are you sensing a trend here? Gap kids? Stools? Short people are pretty much the same thing as children. Oh, and only children like bean bag chairs. Seriously, they look like fun, but they are terrible TERRIBLE pieces of furniture. And I use that term loosely.

Casey: Jealous much? Sounds like somebody outgrew the playground before he was ready and is a little Bitter Betty about it. What’s so great is that all that money I save on grown up clothes? I can spend it on cookbooks. Who even goes to the library anymore? Lonely old men and hobos? Yeah, that sounds about right. It’s okay though, it must be really lonely up there with all the trees and leaves and birds just dying to peck your overgrown eyeballs out. Down here it’s all about the birds and the bees and the flowers and the furry little woodland creatures that keep me company and help me with my daily chores. That’s right. I’m a princess and you’re just a big awkward giant. When did Disney ever make a movie about that, HUH?

Craig: I take offense to that! Oh wait, you said hobos. Sorry, I misread that. What Disney movie did they make about my life you ask? A nice little classic I like to call “Mickey and the Beanstalk”. You know that one where those terrible little critters climbed up the beanstalk and performed some crimes the police would refer to as “breaking and entering”, into the house of a lovable giant who was minding his own business way up in the sky out of everyone’s way. How does this happy little story end, you ask? They kill the giant, that’s how. Tiny people are murderers. Little bite-sized murderers. They must be stopped at any cost. While you may be a princess in your own mind, I’m a giant among insects. Fee Fi Fo Fum! I smell the blood of a wee woman!

So who do you guys think won?

Be sure to head over to Casey’s blog: Moosh in Indy!

Think you could do better? Send me an e-mail with a topic you’d like to debate with me! If you’ve previously sent me a topic, and I never got back to you, or if we haven’t started the debating process yet, send me a reminder! I’m very forgetful! For more Puntabulous Debates CLICK HERE!

Welcome to another edition of Puntabulous Guest Debates! Today I welcome Dave who runs the blog Life on the C-bus. It’s blog that’s dedicated to the advancement of the local music scene in Columbus, Ohio. Today we’ll tackle a topic that has plagued me since my first elementary school gym class.

TODAY’S TOPIC: TO WORK OUT, OR NOT TO WORK OUT? THAT IS THE QUESTION!

Dave: I’m a gym rat. I’ll admit it. I head to the gym for an hour every day (sometimes twice if I’m feeling particularly manic). I push the iron, pull the cable, and crunch those abs. But word has it that a certain poor, frail writer of the Puntabulous feels that working out just isn’t where it’s at. But I beg to differ. And we’re not talking bodybuilding — men grunting with their ‘roid-ravaged, testicularly diminished bodies, popping veins, and metaphorically screaming for attention — we’re talking working out. Pumping iron. Getting fit. Looking good on the beach. Reason #1: Mental health. Not only do most studies point to the positive mental health benefits of exercising, but there’s another aspect that affects it even more that needs to be strongly considered: Having the strength to open that end-of-the-day Budweiser as effortlessly — and quickly — as possible.

Craig: Oh no! You poor bastard! You’ve admitted your fatal flaw, and it was only your opening statement! How tragic! I mean, Budweiser?! Do we even need to continue this debate? Obviously Budweiser drinkers are lacking in the brainular area, so it’s clear that you make terrible choices in all aspects of your life. Your choice to work out is no different. You say that working out is good for your mental health, but what about your brain health? Instead of working out, don’t you think your time would be better spent reading a book? Taking a class? Watching a documentary? I know that’s the kind of stuff I like to do right before opening up a bottle of Yuengling. Who cares if I have to use a bottle opener?

Dave: ::sigh:: Craig, Craig, Craig. Are you not aware that Dancing with the Stars isn’t a documentary, learning how to play Mario Party isn’t really a class, and that Star Wars novel you’re reading is only a book in the sense that it has a cover, some form of written text, and more than 20 pages? Yeah…sounds like you’re brain’s working overtime there. And the fact that all of these activities require you to be sitting still completely lacks any irony whatsoever. Leading the droll, untoned existence that is clearly your life would need a Yuengling or two. Or three. Or five. I’ll be sure to alert the Flat Butt Society of America that you’re considering membership. I, on the other hand, actually have the energy to get my well-shaped butt off the couch and do something, like taking a walk, coaching soccer, or hitting the mosh pit at a rock concert. You, however, would likely have a tough time surviving the mosh pit of a Neil Diamond show.

Craig: Oh yes, let me center my life around surviving a mosh pit. By all means, moshing ability is the keystone of all that is good and wonderful in our lives. And what’s so good about having a nice butt? There is no evolutionary advantage to having junk in your trunk; it’s strictly aesthetic. It’s like someone approaching you in a bar and say: “Hey baby, nice appendix!” Those people are morons. And I don’t know about you, but I try and surround myself with people who aren’t superficial enough to care about the roundness of my booty. Me and my friends have better things to do than compare butt prints at the beach. Besides, when I go down (LOL!) in a plane crash, who do you think people are going to eat first? A skeleton draped delicately in pale meatless skin? Or the hunky slab of man beef who would go awesome in a honey-glazed Jack Daniels sauce. That’s what I thought. I’ll have mine medium-rare please.

Dave: I’ll take the fact that you want to eat me as a compliment. But all innuendo aside, let’s get back to our argument. Do you realize that due to tighter FDA regulations and closer congressional scrutiny towards CIA and FBI operations, Inadvertent Atomic Human Structural Alterations affecting strength have decreased by a whopping 87% since 1969? And Mutagenic Unnatural Selection in the U.S. has decreased by 79% in the past decade alone? Not to state the obvious, but this means that no self-respecting modern superhero can maintain his muscular status without working out. There’s a reason why Doctor Octopus is a villain and not a superhero — he simply decided that working out was “too hard.” And without a cut body — or spontaneous muscular regeneration — he fell into hero ruin and found that the only way he could get page time was to become an evil nemesis. And that’s gotta be a blow to your self esteem. And even if you don’t have superpowers, if you have muscle tone you can can still be a superhero. Hell, Dick Grayson faked it for decades.

Craig: I’m pretty sure half those words you just used aren’t real. Besides, you’re not the only person who can make up words and statistics. Did you know that the 1978 study of Human Lazification Gobledeegook proved that people who work out are unhappy and will die 17 times sooner than people who don’t work out? And if working meant getting bitten by a radioactive spider, having millions of dollars at your disposal, or coming from a different planet, by all means I would have started working out years ago! But in the real world, working out requires a lot of just that: work. It’s not fun. People who say that working out is fun are either kidding themselves or haven’t lived their life in my shoes; the shoes of a man who can work out all he wants and still be stuck in this lanky body. People who like working out only like it because genetics gave them a head start. There, I said it. The secret is out! People who like working out are faking it. Their only job is to maintain the body that genetics gave them; a much easier job than building muscle from scratch.

Dave: You want to talk lanky? How about 5′11″ and 127 pounds? That was me before working out. I had friends who had lap dogs that weighed more than me. Talk about starting from scratch. (And the Human Lazification Gobledeegook study was published in 1979, not ‘78 — it would help your case more if you’d get your made-up facts straight.) And it’s truly amazing — what with all your “brainular activity” — that you actually put together the idea that working out is indeed actually work. And I wholeheartedly agree with you. But work is a good thing! I built a 25-foot deck on our house — didn’t know how to do it, just got a bunch of books out of the library and got started. It was a hell of a lot of work. But, damn was it cool to see the finished product and that I did it myself. How rewarding is that? Working out is the same way. And what’s the alternative? Sloth. Yeah. You wanna turn into that ugly thing? Be featured on Animal Planet’s “Earth’s Laziest Mammals LIVE” now playing at 1pm, 3pm, and 5pm at a Paramount Park near you? Just remember to get manicured before trying to get into a club. That is, if you can find the energy to peel yourself off that couch.

Craig: Wow that’s great. You built a deck. Can we get back to our debate about working out please? Because building a deck is great and all, and I would love to build a deck someday, but you know what I don’t want to do someday? Build a deck, then go work out. Because the way I see it, life is too much working out as it is. Run around like a lunatic getting ready for work in the morning. Burned 407 calories! Sweat like a maniac as your drive to the train station, hoping not to miss your train. Burned 549 calories! Run around your office building like a crazy person begging people to do their work so you can do your work. Burned 625 calories! Doing all that bending to kiss your boss’s ass. Burned 75,914 calories! I’d have to eat a whole Thanksgiving dinner, and a few baby Native Americans just to gain back all those calories I burned off! The thought of going to the gym and burning off even more calories seems unnecessary, unhealthy, and ungodly!

Dave: You burned 75,914 calories kissing your boss’s ass? I think that’s what’s ungodly. If you’d work out, get all buff, then he’d be scrambling to get to your ass. And I’m sure that would burn far less calories. Not to mention saving your dignity. And the cost of a therapist. Okay, time to haul out the big guns. Let’s start by quoting David Stensel, author and senior lecturer at the School of Sport and Exercise at the UK’s Loughborough University: “The health benefits from minor fitness improvements are staggering.” Staggering. Not simply “notable” or “important,” but staggering. And a 17-year study of 30,000 men recently published in the International Journal of Cancer (the disease, not the astrological sign) showed that exercising just once a week lowered the risk of developing advanced prostate cancer by 36%. And exercising more lowered the risk even further. I don’t know about you, but I like my prostate. We go to movies together. We hang out all the time. It would be sad to be apart.

Craig: Well I’m glad you and your prostate are such good friends. Do you guys hold hands too? Be sure to wash them afterwards. I on the other hand like to have real people friends. You know, those people who are people and not compound tubuloalveolar exocrine glands? But you probably don’t have real friends because you’re either at the gym, or talking about going to the gym. As a man who is vehemently against working out, I’ve noticed that twinkle in people’s eyes when you ask them what their plans are for the evening or weekend and they say they’re going to the gym. It’s a twinkle that says: “I’m going to work out because I’m better than you. What are you going to do? Go to the bar with friends? Watch TV? Go to the park with family? Ugh, how disgusting of you. Don’t you know about your blah-bitty-blah prostate?” That twinkle isn’t a good twinkle. It turns people off and makes you look conceited. That’s why no one likes you. But hey, at least you have your prostate, right?

Dave: That hurts, Craig. That really hurts. That “twinkle,” as you call it, isn’t conceit, it’s a tear in my eye as I think of your life being cut short due to your lack of concern for personal well-being. You’re a friend and the thought of a Craigless world would be too much to bear. Hold on, excuse me for a second ::sniff-sniff:: ::achooo!:: Oh, wait, my mistake, those teary eyes are just a cold. But one that I’ll get over in a day or so due to exercise purging my system much quicker than your’s can. (And prostates don’t have hands, by the way. Is that another example of your “brainular activity”? Just asking, because, y’know, I’m sure it’s really helping your argument.) But let’s get to my final point to this debate and one that you just might not be able to surmount: Does this look like a 40-year-old body to you?

Craig: Yes, yes, we’re all very impressed. Bravo. I’m not questioning the outcome, I’m questioning the means. Is the amount of time and energy put into working out worth it? Okay, so let’s say working out does increase your life expectancy. What happens if you get hit by a car and die? (Knock on wood!) In that split second before you start sprinting down the dark tunnel with the light at the end of it, slapping the hands of all your dead relatives along the way, as if you just got picked to be a contestant on The Price is Right, aren’t you going to think to yourself: “I wish I didn’t spend so much time at the gym!”? There are literally millions of better things to do with your time than working out. And look at your first statement: “I’m a gym rat.” Don’t you think if working out was good, you would have said something like: “I’m a gym stallion”? I think rat sums it up perfectly.

So who do you guys think won? Try not to let Dave’s abs affect your judgment!

Be sure to head over to Dave’s blog: Life on the C-bus!

Think you could do better? Send me an e-mail with a topic you’d like to debate with me! If you’ve previously sent me a topic, and I never got back to you, or if we haven’t started the debating process yet, send me a reminder! I’m very forgetful! For more Puntabulous Debates CLICK HERE!

Welcome to another edition of Puntabulous Guest Debates! Today I welcome Avitable who has my favorite header and headline in the whole wide world. We’re going to wrestle the topic that has plagued dorky science fiction fans (are there any other kind?) since 1977.

STAR WARS VS STAR TREK!

Avitable: Star Wars isn’t just a movie. It’s a fully realized universe that has generated and inspired movies, books, cartoons, toys, comics, hairstyles, fashion, food, and military theory. Multiple generations of humans have grown up with Star Wars ingrained in their everyday lives. The John Williams score is one of the most highly recognized soundtracks in the universe, and if you put a large cinnamon bun to each ear, everybody will call you Princess Leia. The force is strong with Star Wars, and as the most recognizable franchise in the history of mankind, every other sci-fi endeavor pales in comparison.

Craig: Yeah, Star Wars is good and all. I mean, if you believe in leprechauns, unicorns, and talking trees. But for those of us who live in the real world, you have Star Trek. A franchise that doesn’t take place in a mystical galaxy “a long time ago” but rather in our civilization in the coming future. A civilization in which we can all aspire to be a part of. Sure, what kid wouldn’t love to be Luke Skywalker? But as you get older, and wiser, you realize that being Luke Skywalker is just a selfish endeavor to live out your innermost fantasies like having a neato sword, being able to move objects with your mind, and making out with your sister. For us grownups, we can aspire to be Jean Luc Picard, a man who aspires to boldly go where no man has gone before for the benefit of mankind. Have fun with your sword kiddo. Don’t play with it too much or you’ll start to chafe.

Avitable: Start to chafe? Do. You. Mean. Like. Shatner’s. So-called. Acting? Because that chafed my brain so bad I had to snort baby powder so I could think again. There are no leprechauns or unicorns or talking trees in Star Wars. There are, however, a multitude of alien races that are as vastly distinct as each individual planet. Unlike Star Trek, where you have humans, humans with bumpy foreheads, humans with really bumpy foreheads, humans with slightly different skin tones, and humans with long pointy ears. Star Wars is all about diversity and the cultural ramifications of having so many different cultures clashing in many disparate environments. Star Trek, however, is all about aliens that speak English and a quest to boldly go where no human man has gone before - mainly, in the panties of every female alien around.

Craig: You’re right. Shatner’s acting was just atrocious. Speaking of, exactly how many Academy Award nominations did Hayden Christensen receive for his portrayal of an empty pizza box in the Prequel Trilogy? I believe it’s the same number as the amount of times the letter Z appears in the phrase: “People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” I’ll let you do the math. And I apologize that weekly television shows and relatively low budget movies don’t afford the luxury of more complex character makeup. It’s a shame that Star Trek had to focus more on solid storytelling rather than wowing us with special effects. Maybe George Lucas should have spent a bit more money on the writing and acting portions of the movie making process rather than molding his stories around all the merchandise he can sell. Oh, and don’t even get me started on his lame character names. Darth Sidious? General Grievous? A fat guy named Porkins? That’s just lazy.

Avitable: The names in Star Wars are symbolic and hearken back to a simpler way of life, when Native Americans ruled their land with a bloody red tomahawk. Luke was a “sky walker”, Han was always “solo”, Chewbacca would “chew you”, and Leia Organa made boys want to “lay her” with their “organ”. See? It all points to something deeper - a symbolic and literal change in an ever-evolving society as it moves from evil to good. Star Trek, on the other hand, is all about American warmongers imposing their will on other cultures and demoralizing the women of those cultures. It’s like Star Wars is Obama and Star Trek is George Bush.

Craig: Please. Everyone knows that Obama is all about Star Trek. He even looks like a Ferengi! And what is this business about Star Trek representing American Warmongers? Are you forgetting Starfleet’s Prime Directive, which is to not interfere in the internal affairs of other civilizations? You know who DID interfere with the internal affairs of other civilizations? Luke Skywalker! When he blew up the Death Star and killed all those poor shlubs who just needed a crappy job so they worked for the Empire! You think the cafeteria staff of the Death Star deserved to be blown up? “Would you like fries with that?” KA-BOOM! Are these the kind of morals you wish to instill in the minds of impressionable viewers? I guess you’re just one of those people that believes in sacrificing innocent lives for the “greater good”. Meanwhile, back at Starfleet, we usually only sacrifice ourselves for the greater good. But you know, that’s just because we’re better people than you and those lousy rebels.

Avitable: Yeah, I remember Kirk “not interfering” by imposing his own rules on every civilization he came across, impregnating alien women with his spastic seed, and actually destroying some civilizations that were going along swimmingly until he “not interfered”. Maybe if he’d been more like a Jedi he wouldn’t have left such a wake of destruction and ugly alien human hybrid babies. And, you said “back at Starfleet, we usually only . . .” We? You see, this is the problem with Star Trek. It gets in your head and makes you think that you are on the Good Ship Lollipop Enterprise, alongside the crew of your favorite incarnation of the series. Star Wars fans know it’s fiction, and that’s why we’re much cooler than the Trekkies.

Craig: Boy, you seem to be fixated on the fact that Shatner macked it with so many different alien ladies. Are you just upset because Jedi aren’t allowed to get laid? They’re like priests, and we all know how staying celibate works out for those guys. And if a Jedi does manage to get laid, it usually means that they’re destined to walk the path of the darkside and bring down the entire galaxy along with them. And while we’re on the subject, what’s with this lightside/darkside business? Hasn’t anyone ever heard of a gray area? Is it because Star Wars fans aren’t smart enough to have their own opinions about right and wrong? Star Trek is more than just simple equations like: Jedi = Good, Sith = Bad. It’s the gray areas between right and wrong, and the moral dilemmas and personal conflicts that these situations can cause that makes Star Trek a much more intricate and involving series. And what’s so bad about imagining myself as a crewmember of the Starship Enterprise? I would look awesome in tights.

Avitable: Your hotness in tights notwithstanding, don’t you think you’d look even more awesome holding a long elongated object that glowed in the dark and hummed? The lightsaber is by far the coolest gadget out of both universes. Star Trek has some of the goofiest, lamest gadgets ever created. They manage to have a teleporter, but it has so many limitations that it’s essentially useless. Not to mention the fact that if you could teleport people, why bother making ships to go anywhere? And then you have a lame phaser, which doesn’t even match a blaster in coolness. And the tricorder? It’s a computer. You know, like R2-D2 and C-3PO. Except you don’t need a cranky old doctor to interpret results for you - they can tell you the diagnosis and analysis all on their own. When you watch Star Trek, the concepts and gadgets are actually limiting your imagination - it’s making you stupider just by watching!

Craig: Oh, I’m sorry. Is Data not a sophisticated enough creation for you? Because I actually thought that a robot, who could not only simulate human appearance and behaviors but also human emotions (thanks to his appropriately named emotion chip) was pretty darn impressive. But you know, if you like your robots clunky and obtuse like R2-D2, who can’t even use actual words, by all means, that’s your choice. And if your “cranky old doctor” comment is directed at Dr. Bones McCoy, I’m going to have to give you a verbal beat down and let you know that Bones is the coolest character in science fiction history. You Star Wars fanatics like to think that it’s Han Solo or Boba Fett, but seriously, Han Solo got his balls cut off after he got with Leia (a scoundrel who says “I love you”?) and Boba Fett died like the biggest chump in cinema history (by a blind guy waving a stick around). Bones may not have a cool blaster or body armor, but he’s an old guy with a quick wit who never let chicks or blind guys get in his way of being cool.

Avitable: With all of this semantic discussion, we’ve neglected the big picture. Both of these franchises can be compared to a dog. Let’s take a puppy, for example. He’ll bounce around, wagging that cute little tail of his, fetch toys, play tug of war, sit down and shake hands, give you kisses when you get home, and generally cheer you up with his upbeat doggy persona. This puppy is Star Wars. Now, let’s neuter the puppy. Once he loses his balls, he becomes morose, quiet, tired, and generally boring. He’ll just sit at your feet and sleep, and while that feels comforting, you know in your heart that you miss the playful dog you used to love. Star Trek is just Star Wars without testicles. And Battlestar Galactica is like a cat that jumps on your head and scares the shit out of you when you get home.

Craig: I have a better analogy for you: Star Trek is like the really powerful, top-of-the-line starship with the smart, diverse crew that travels the galaxy bringing peace and justice to the entire universe. Star Wars is like the crappy bucket of bolts flown by a grumpy shlub and his dog who only succeeds on dumb luck. Wait, what’s an “analogy” again? Let’s face it, Star Wars peeked in 1980 with The Empire Strikes Back, while Star Trek continues to reinvent itself with new and exciting characters and stories. Star Wars has been telling the same story since 1977. Is a new Clone Wars cartoon series really necessary? How about you start telling some new stories George?! What’s going on in the world of Star Trek these days? Oh, that’s right! A movie by science fiction dork extraordinaire: J.J. Fucking Abrams! BOO YA!

So who do you guys think won? His pictures are pretty incredible. You can click on them to enlarge them. The one of me imagining myself as a member of Starfleet is currently residing as my desktop wallpaper. Thanks Avitable!

Be sure to head over to Avitable’s blog: Avitable!

Think you could do better? Send me an e-mail with a topic you’d like to debate with me! If you’ve previously sent me a topic, and I never got back to you, or if we haven’t started the debating process yet, send me a reminder! I’m very forgetful! For more Puntabulous Debates CLICK HERE!

Welcome to another edition of Puntabulous Guest Debates! Today I’d like to welcome Casey from the awesome blog Moosh in Indy (who I think looks like the equally awesome Becki Newton from Ugly Betty, right?) And no, she isn’t the Moosh, her incredibly adorable daughter is the Moosh, who Casey says: “Carries a shovel around to help out with my early grave.”

TODAY’S TOPIC: COOKIES VS. BROWNIES!

Casey: Go ahead, search the word “cookie” on Amazon.com. Over 75,000 results. Search “brownie”? A paltry 17,000 results. And that’s being kind. Google the word “cookie” and you’ll get 92 million results (yeah, you heard me, MILLION. As in ninety two MILLION results.) And what? Oh. 9 million for “brownie” *snort* The googling amazonians have spoken. Cookies kick brownies crusty edged trash.

Craig: I’m afraid to break it to you, but Google and Amazon are actually just websites. You see, they’re made up of computer code, and countless lines of Zeros and Ones. It’s all very complicated. I wouldn’t expect you to understand. But my point is that they’re not people. They can’t eat cookies and brownies for themselves. If they could, they would surely come alive and tell you how much more awesome brownies are with all their moist, warm, wonderfulness. And by all means, do not mock the crusty edge of brownies. They are the best part!

Casey: Well honey, your website is FULL of zeros and ones who just happen to love cookies. And speaking as a culinary genius I must now break it to you that I could easily produce a cookie that embodies every so called desirous attribute your precious brownies have. You want warm and moist? I’ll give you warm and moist. You want a crusty edge? I’ll give you an infinity of a crusty edge. WITH a warm moist wonderful center. Cookies are all that and a batch of dough.

Craig: Speaking of “batch of dough”, it sounds all fun and yummy to eat cookie dough, and then BAM! Twenty minutes and fifteen “taste testings” of raw cookie dough later, you’re feeling queezy and regretting ever making cookies in the first place. But after you make brownies there’s a nice little reward waiting for you called “licking the spoon”. No, “licking the spoon” isn’t the latest dance craze, or a metaphor for masturbation. It’s a gooey preview of the yummy goodness waiting for you after the brownies are done baking!

Casey: Is it my fault that you have a weak stomach? Excuse me, has anyone ever heard of “Brownie Spoon Ice Cream”? * crickets chirping* How about cookie dough ice cream? WHOA, WHOA! Don’t all cheer so loudly, you’ll give poor gurgle tummied Craig a complex. Brownies come in one variety sweetheart. One. Sure you can add stuff in, but it’s still a chocolate square masquerading as something more. Personally, if I’m going to be monogamous to one man for the rest of my life, I don’t feel the need to be monogamous to a single chocolaty baked good. You can take the brownie out of the pan but you sure can’t take the boring out of the brownie.

Craig: Sure, yeah, brownies only come in one variety. But that’s because they’re so unbelievably awesome that they don’t need anything else to distract you from the fact that they suck the way cookies do. Where would chocolate chip cookies be without the chocolate chips? Where would oatmeal raisin cookies be without the raisins? Where would [insert delicious item here] cookies be without the [insert delicious item here]? Bleck. My mouth just turned dry and bland just thinking about it. I think you get my point. Wait, did I just agree to the fact that brownies only come in one variety? Silly me! I forgot about brownie’s sexy little sister known as blondies! Well she’s home from cheerleading camp and she’s ready to give me a delicious taste explosion in my mouth!

Casey: OH BUT CAN YOU IMAGINE? You pledge your love to a brownie and all you’ll ever get for the rest of you life is the same old brownie. Sure, the brownie could go blondie, you could maybe even put a little frosting on it, but it’s still just a brownie. You can’t take the same old brownie to every party and expect people to be impressed. Cookies allow you to MIX IT UP! Cookies allow for VARIETY! And after all, isn’t variety the spice of life? And while I didn’t want it to come to this, a nasty brownie isn’t going to look any different than my really good brownies. Brownies rarely, if ever, stand out. And I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I’m faced with a table full of questionable drone brownies I’d rather saunter on down to the guaranteed goodness of my cookies rather than risk putting a bland piece of garbage brownie in my mouth.

Craig: Just because people say that “variety is the spice of life” doesn’t mean that variety is the spice of life. It’s just one of those meaningless things that people say like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “I love you”. Besides, I prefer to think that variety is the spice of “Oh my god! Why did I try that? I should have stuck with what I knew would be delicious rather than experimenting with something new and unknown!” Yeah, you might see a pretty little cookie with frosting and sprinkles, and it might be the sexiest little cookie on the block, but haven’t you heard of the phrase: “Don’t judge a book by its cover?” Except when it comes to ugly people, I really think that’s an excellent phrase that should be taken seriously. Brownies may not be the prettiest girls at the bake sale, but has anyone ever had a bad brownie? They simply don’t exist. Why take the chance of having a bad cookie?

Casey: Craig, first of all, I love you. And if I were a little closer I’d give you a big hug, and a cookie, because you obviously have some cookie/love issues. Maybe it all stems back to a painful cookie experience you’ve suppressed. Has this ever come up in therapy? Maybe you’ve been salving an open wound with the wrong balm. While your love of brownies may be true and unwaivering, maybe your inability to see the benefits of other forms of baked goods is what’s holding you back in life. Brownies are good, but brownies can’t heal. Branch out, find a new love, and like making out, you may find something you never knew about. How about we just call cookies: “baked good Kama Sutra”.

Craig: I don’t think cookie Kama Sutra is such a good idea. Everything seems new and fun for a while, but then when it’s all over, you’re picking chocolate chips out of strange places and it burns when you pee. Besides, I don’t know about you girls, but I’m pretty sure guys would rather stick it into a pan of warm gooey brownies than a tin of hard, rough cookies. Ouch! And I can’t speak for all men, but before I stick a pastry in my mouth, I think to myself: “But would I fuck it?” If the answer is no, then by all means, put the cookie down, and put your pants back on. And don’t try and diagnose me with some post-traumatic cookie issues! What do you think? My parents shot cookies at me with some sort of batting cage ball-throwing device? Although that might explain my aversion to batting cages.

Casey: My, my, this all turned so dirty. And all we were trying to debate was whether it was better to have a little cream in your Oreo or a little frosting on your brownie. GAH! Look what you’ve done to me! If doing a pan of brownies is your thing, then you deserve to win this debate, and all of the Google weirdos that are going to come looking for brownie fetish boys. But if you care to be open to the unending bliss and happiness that is cookies in all their variety and tasty glory, come, I welcome you. And I’ll even leave a pan of those nasty things you call brownies in the guest room. You know, in case you get lonely.

Craig: First off, you’re the one that got this debate all dirtified by bringing up Kama Sutra. And it’s not my fault for pouncing on the fact that brownies are better in bed than cookies. I’m like a debating cheetah. I see an opportunity and I pounce on it! Rarr! I’m afraid to say that you’re the tasty baby zebra in this scenario. And brownies are the sexy Blanche Devereaux to your cookies mannish Dorothy Zbornak. African wildlife metaphors along with Golden Girls metaphors? Is there nothing I can’t do?! I attribute it to the brain food brownies.

So who do you guys think won?

Be sure to head over to Casey’s blog: Moosh in Indy!

Think you could do better? Send me an e-mail with a topic you’d like to debate with me! If you’ve previously sent me a topic, and I never got back to you, or if we haven’t started the debating process yet, send me a reminder! I’m very forgetful! For more Puntabulous Debates CLICK HERE!

Welcome to another edition of Puntabulous Guest Debates! Today I’d like to welcome Jon from GayCondo, an awesome blog run by two queer couples in Portland, Oregon who live together with their three cats and three houseplants.

TODAY’S TOPIC: WINE VS BEER!

Jon: MMMmmm wine! The delicious nectar of the cultured class! A fruity ambrosia of pure enlightenment! Truly it is the alcoholic beverage of the gods! Oh wait, I mean of god, singular. That’s right, wine is the blood of Jesus/God. (as I understand it, they are somehow mystically the same person). Can you imagine beer as blood (hello anemia!) Truly wine is a heavenly delight!

Craig: “Cultured class,” huh? Are all wine drinkers as elitist as yourself? Because I for one am a fan of the People’s beverage. Beer! Wine may be born from the blood of baby Jesus, but beer is born from the sweat and tears of the working class! Besides, who wants to drink blood anyway? Um, vampire much? And the blood of Jesus no less! But I guess that makes sense. After all, the cultured class (read: upper class) only got there by sucking the life (read: blood) out of those that came before them (read: Jesus).

Jon: I assume that by “the people” and “the working class” you mean “the poor”. How interesting, the poor drink beer… I wonder if there is some causational graph on the internet somewhere that may add a new perspective on the subject… Oh yeah, there’s this. That’s right, poor people are more likely to be OBESE! I wonder why? Could it be that a pint of beer has: 15 grams of carbs and 200 calories, while a 6 oz glass of wine has only 1.4 grams of carbs and 120 calories? That’s right, drinking a couple of beers at a party is like eating a mound of sandwiches, and everyone know that pretty girls don’t eat a pile of sandwiches at a party. Oh, and they also don’t fart from a puffy carbonated belly.

Craig: First things first: farting is hysterical. To me, farting is like that Janet Jackson song “Anytime, Anyplace”. So don’t try and use farting against me. Your efforts are futile. Besides, pretty girls DO eat a pile of sandwiches because they just throw it up a few minutes later anyway. That’s why pretty girls drink beer too. Beer leads to burping, and a good solid burp is practically halfway to a good solid vomit. And poor people are only obese because they can’t afford personal trainers or plastic surgery. It’s a shame you’ve resorted to picking on the poor and fat of this world to make your arguments. As the wise Anheuser Busch once said: “Give us your poor, your fat, your huddled masses longing for a cold one.” You can keep your rich, snobby wine drinkers. Beer drinkers throw better parties anyway.

Jon: I may sarcastically jest about the poor and overweight, but it is just in light fun. Devil’s advocate if you will, dear Craig, you however have tread on truly offensive ground. Insulting and devaluing the experiences of those with eating disorders is just sick, sick, sick. Why just open any issue of Jane, Cosmo, or Teen Vogue, flip to page 173, and there it is: a serious article detailing the very tragic truth about those living with this terrible demon. Oh, and while on the topic of “vomiting”, “parties”, “beer”, and “girls with eating disorders”, only one scenario comes to mind: dumb straighty college parties. Wanna get laid Craig? Well it’s only gonna happen at one of those parties with a developmentally stunted, drunk, closeted oaf who punches you in the neck after he cums (oh, and you Craig will not be cumming in this scenario, you’ll maybe be dead from a collapsed trachea). Wine drinkers, however, are all fags. It’s a fact. Mention “viennese actionism and it’s relation to the postmodern body oriented performance art of early 1970’s New York” at a wine party, and you’ll get fucked by, like, 15 guys by the end of the night.

Craig: Wow. I’m speechless. Is this a debate about beer vs wine? Or a debate about the dangers of letting punchy straight guys experiment on your ass? (Which you appear to be an expert on the ins and outs (and ins and outs) of.) My neck is far too delicate for such activities, so I will leave that up to you. Besides, us beer drinkers aren’t getting drunk enough to let our ass become the playground for future ex-gays. After all, the alcohol content in an average beer is 5% while the alcohol content in the average wine is 11%. And one serving of beer is an astounding 12 ounces while one serving of wine is a meager 5 ounces. So us beer drinkers can drink and drink and drink, and be social and laugh and have a grand old time all night long. Wine drinkers on the other hand have 2 glasses and are completely wasted, lying in a corner drenched in their own pee, and probably crying.

Jon: Okay. Let’s actually do the math here… According to the numbers you have given above, a serving of wine has .55 ounces of alcohol, and a serving of beer has .6 ounces! AND BESIDES!! Who has a “12 ounce” serving of beer? Last I checked Craig, most beer is served in a pint glass. Which is 16 ounces, which is .8 ounces of alcohol per serving versus the .55 for wine!! HA! And have you ever known anyone (Patsy and Edina excluded) to chug wine? No, people take delicate sips of wine. Beer drinkers however, like to get totally wasted and vomity doing “keg stands” like boorish thugs! You know who else are thugs? Nazis. And where are Nazi’s from?? Hmm… let me think… GERMANY!!! Now why does mentioning Germany make me feel like there is some sort of deeper connection going on here… Oh, that’s because the biggest beer drinking orgy known to man is the German Oktoberfest (read: Nazifest). Maybe they will invite your hero Janet Jackson to perform this year. I hear that her career is so over, she’s willing to perform anytime, anyplace… including stupid Nazi chug parties.

Craig: The math in your last statement makes my brain hurt, but let’s just assume you’re wrong. Besides, out of the two of us, only one of us was on their High School Math Team. That’s also a very wide brush that you paint your evil little pictures with, isn’t it? All Germans are Nazis? Does that also mean that all Muslims are terrorists? And all blondes are dumb? And all Star Wars fans are 35 year olds who live in their parents’ basements, blogging all day, while their parents yell at them for having a crappy job, when all the poor guy wants is to catch his big break and write the next big science fiction epic? Geez. What an insensitive bastard you are! And let’s get one thing straight: Beer doesn’t make people do keg stands; people make people do keg stands. Should we blame beer because there are stupid people out there in the world? And anyone knows that if you’re gonna play a game with beer, it better be Beer Pong and Flip Cup: The two best games known to man. Not only are they fun and challenging, but they’re also team-building! I’ve woken up many a college mornings with a sore throat from cheering on my Flip Cup team while waiting anxiously at the end of the line for my turn to flip. What game can you play with wine? Guess the Year? Snooze!

Jon: First things first, “beer pong”? Don’t you mean “germ covered plastic ball in a cup I’ll drink from” game?! Oh, and also, I didn’t need to be on the dorky high school math team, I was bred for math (interesting side note: my mother is a highly respected/published mathematician. She began drilling complex math theories and equations into my head when I was about four. So no, I wasn’t on the lame math squad in High School, I was too busy getting laid for being super hot/awesome)! Speaking of math, did you know that according to a study done by The Annals of Internal Medicine, wine drinkers are 1/3 less likely to die over a period of time than beer drinkers! Another fun factoid: studies have shown that the flavanoids in wine slow the aging process AND help in the prevention of Alzheimer’s! So when you, dear simple Craig, are a dementia zombie or dead with all your beer drinking frat buddies, I’ll be 95, wrinkle free, and discussing postmodernism at weekend wine tasting forays in France with all my Beaujolais loving friends! (PS: if you didn’t get that last statement, let me translate it into “beer talk” you may understand: “I’ll be a 95 year old straight dude, and be discussing NASCAR at afternoon keggers in Milwaukee with all my Bud Light chugging buddies.”)

Craig: You’re a dick. Wait wait wait. Let me translate that into “wine talk” for you: You’re a douché. Where did this misconception that beer drinkers are brutish NASCAR watching morons come from? Go to any bar in New York City at 6:00 PM and it will be covered wall to wall with men and women in expensive business suits with beers in their hands discussing the hard days they had at their big-time, money-making, stress-inducing, world-changing jobs. And did you know that beer is the oldest known alcoholic beverage (yes, even older than wine!) and dates all the way to the Ancient Egyptians? You’ve heard of them right? They’re the geniuses who built the pyramids. And scientific studies have shown that moderate usage of ANY alcoholic beverage is associated with a decreased risk of cardiac disease, stroke, and cognitive decline. So it’s not just a wine thing. You know what is just a wine thing? Sulfites. Otherwise known as sulfur dioxides. Otherwise known as the stuff that spews from volcanoes. But I guess you missed that lesson in high school Earth Science class since you were too busy getting laid. I, on the other hand, was in class, learning, and saving myself for marriage.

Jon: Well, it looks like the dementia has already set in! Examples:

1. You have the delusion that you are some sort of doctor, because you think you know more about medical science than all of the researchers at The Annals of Internal Medicine, a leading medical magazine. Geez.

2. You live in some sort of magical dream land where Ms. Bradshaw and Co. haven’t taught us that all New Yorkers drink Cosmos and other mixed drinks. (side note: many wines are blends, and therefore “mixed”… sort of)

3. You pathetically believe anything National Geographic tells you. Egyptian geniuses? I don’t think so Craig. They “wrote” by drawing pretty pictures. You know who else does that? Children… and retarded people.

4. You think volcanoes are anything but wonderful land machines. You know what sulfites created? Every island on the planet. I’ll make sure to let my Filipino friends know you would rather have there culture sunk to the bottom of the ocean. (beer drinkers are so racist…)

5. You think any smart person worth laying “saves” themselves for marriage.

Precious, precious Craig. Wine is divine! It keeps you classy, beautiful, young, and thin! What does beer do besides make you fart and get you date raped? Oh, and for all you wonderful Puntabulous readers out there, in case I haven’t swayed you to my side just yet, I have left the best for last. I present for you one of the best TV moments of all time.

Craig: Best TV moment of all time? Puh-lease. Every beer commercial ever created is the best TV moment of all time. Remember that sexist (read: hysterical) Miller Light commercial that caused quite a stir a few years back? Amazing! Even those annoying “Wassup” Budweiser commercials started quite a phenomenon when they spawned a series of parodies including this completely adorable Milk parody played out by a bunch of toddlers. Would a wine commercial ever be so groundbreaking? Do they even have wine commercials? Oh that’s right, wine drinkers probably aren’t watching TV to see the commercials anyway. They’re too busy having their hoity toity (wine talk for: “we’re better than everyone else”) parties where they talk about how smart they are were in college and continually try and one-up each other with their fake geniusness. Beer drinkers on the other hand are all about love and friendship. Whether we’re cheering each other on during a fast-paced game of Flip Cup; meeting at a local bar to discuss our long and fruitful days at work; or gathering around the television for a Battlestar Galactica Potluck Dinner; beer drinkers are all about community. A community where everybody knows your name.

So who do you guys think won?

Be sure to head over to Jon’s blog: GayCondo!

Think you could do better? Send me an e-mail with a topic you’d like to debate with me! If you’ve previously sent me a topic, and I never got back to you, or if we haven’t started the debating process yet, send me a reminder! I’m very forgetful! For more Puntabulous Debates CLICK HERE!

Welcome to another edition of Puntabulous Guest Debates! Today I’d like to welcome a very special guest, someone I’ve known my whole life, and is my certified awesome movie-going partner: my cousin Michelle!

TODAY’S EDITION: WHICH IS THE BEST MUPPET?!

Michelle: Of all the Muppets that I have loved (and there have been many) I have to say that Cookie Monster holds the dearest spot. I still recall the first time we met ‘neath the Christmas Tree and locked eyes to googly eyes. I remember seeing him in all his gluttonous glory on Sesame Street. Cookie embraces life to the fullest- with unabashed enthusiasm & gusto. He’s completely unapologetic about his desires. Cookie lives entirely in the moment, the Now. Big, blue, furry - with a heart as big as well… his appetite, he is without a doubt the best Muppet ever.

Craig: Let’s see…yup…blue…furry…googly eyes. That sounds about right. Wait a second! Cookie Monster?! Don’t you mean Grover? Because obviously Grover is the best Muppet ever. What does he have that Cookie Monster doesn’t, you ask? Besides a bottom lip, Grover is also the proud owner of a normal, healthy appetite. You said it yourself, Cookie Monster is a glutton! That’s one of the seven deadly sins! Right up there with Greed, Lust, and Evolution! You know what isn’t one of the seven deadly sins? Being completely adorable. And having a bottom lip. How does Cookie Monster eat all those cookies without a bottom lip anyway? Creeeepy!

Michelle: So what if Cookie is a little overweight? He’s never hidden the fact that he is a monster. He’s the only Muppet who calls himself Cookie Monster, unlike other monsters I could mention. He’s big and proud of it! The Muppet equivalent of Queen Latifah. Not only does he make Obsessive Compulsive disorder seem normal, he makes it seem good! Furry, blue… even adorable, I’ll grant you but droopy eyed Grover does not have Cookie’s very distinctive googly eyes. Cookie has opposable thumbs AND he has opposable eyes - 360 vision, able to see around and behind him at any time. Plus, who doesn’t love a sinner? Cookie makes us feel better about our own imperfections, our own foibles. Grover is uptight, a worrywart and can’t hold down a job. Grover has is-sues.

Craig: GASP! How dare you use my love of Queen Latifah against me! Besides, no one should be proud to be a monster! Would we favor Osama Bin Laden if he called himself Osama Bin Terrorist? “Oh, he’s not bad! At least he’s proud to be a terrorist!” Grover doesn’t refer to himself as a monster because he’s working to get past his monster ancestry. He’s practically the next step in the evolutionary chain! He’s the golden retriever to Cookie Monster’s untamed rabies-infested wolf. Cookie Monster is like one of those Bengal tigers that people keep as pets and then one day turn on their owners and eat them. You know how many kids have lost their hands while trying to feed Cookie Monster cookies? Me neither. But I’m sure it’s a lot!

Michelle: Craig, Craig, Craig…you have to look at the WHOLE monster. Sure he has this wild and a bit crazed side, but Cookie Monster also has an incredibly civilized, cultured, and sophisticated side. He’s a very well rounded monster and no! I don’t mean his physique. He’s a painter, an inventor… note particularly his duty as host of MonsterPiece Theatre. With long red robe, lounging on his velvet chair with classical music playing in the background, Cookie is the very picture of elegance - tres debonair! His introductions of “Chariots of Fur”, “Me, Claudius”, and “Monsters with Dirty Faces” show true wit and panache. When the Muppets went to the Met, they named the special: Don’t Eat the Pictures. Surely, the people at Sesame Street, wouldn’t have done that if they didn’t have complete faith in Cookie as a spokesperson. What has Grover done that can beat that?

Craig: MonsterPiece Theater? Seriously, does Cookie Monster have to keep throwing his monster-ness in our faces? He can be a monster all he wants behind closed doors, but I can’t stand it when he insists on throwing his deviant monster-like behavior in my face! It’s simply unnatural! But you’re right, Grover hasn’t done anything quite like MonsterPiece Theater. You know why? Because he’s too busy saving lives. He is a superhero after all! I mean, you have heard of Super Grover right? It’s right up there with Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman. I heard they even wanted to give him a spot in the Justice League, but Aquaman filed a discrimination against lame superheroes with useless powers lawsuit and took the last available spot. And granted, a name like Super Grover isn’t exactly the best way to maintain a secret alter-ego, the important thing is that he’s out helping people! He helps lost children, resolves conflicts, and even fixes computers! Is there nothing he can’t do?!

Michelle: Landing would be nice. Correction: Landing without crashing into anything or anyone. And you’re right, Grover doesn’t even try to maintain a secret identity. He wants everyone to know he’s SUPER Grover. A little narcissistic aren’t we? Did you ever listen to his theme song? “Smarter than a speeding bullet”. That’s comforting. As for helping people, just listen to the piteous sighs of the poor children when they realize that it is Super Grover. I’ll give him an E for effort but an M for mucking things up. The children always end up solving their own problems, while Grover honestly believes that he has helped them. They have another word for that too: delusional. As I said, Grover has issues. Cookie Monster on the other hand has dedicated his life to teaching children the alphabet, on his exceedingly informative letter of the day segment. What kid doesn’t know the timeless classic “C is for Cookie”? And what is it that causes Grover to talk so formally - he refuses to use a simple contraction. Cookie always gets straight to the point - “Me want Cookie.” Perhaps Grover’s cape is a little too tight.

Craig: One person’s “delusional” is another person’s “optimistic”! Grover has such a positive attitude, that he can’t help but think that his valiant (read: very valiant!) efforts are doing good. And while he might not be directly helping people, his attempts to help them give them the push they need to solve their own problems! And what’s so bad about not using contractions? One does not need contractions when they are making valid points! And what is so bad about speaking with a little flair? If everyone spoke as bluntly as Cookie Monster, English teachers all over America would be out of a job since Romeo and Juliet would be reduced to a single line: “Me no like love.” Although I guess they would be busy enough trying to teach their students the rest of the alphabet. If we left it up to Cookie Monster to teach our children their ABCs, we’d have an entire generation of children reciting the CCCs! What a Completely Careless Calamity that would be!

Michelle: If Grover is such a successful super hero - why does he have to work at so many other jobs to supplement his income? Did you ever think of that? Waiter, Door to Door Salesman, Elevator Operator. Will the real Grover please stand up? Besides, Grover can hardly even call Sesame Street his home anymore. He has spent the last few years traipsing around the world - what is he trying to be - the prodigal Muppet? Contrary to popular belief, Cookie Monster has not limited himself to the letter C. He has gone through the entire alphabet on Sesame Street. Admittedly, he always ends up eating the letter of the day but it just makes the lesson that much more memorable, ingraining itself into little children’s brains until the end of time. The song “C is for Cookie” is also indicative of Cookie Monster’s magnificent musical ability. Along with other songs, he has not one but two disco classics: “C is for Cookie Disco Mix” and “Me Lost Me Cookie at the Disco”. Watching Cookie, perform is like watching any true artist - James Brown, Aretha and Queen Latifah! That monster has soul! What songs can Grover lay claim to?

Craig: What’s so bad about having loads of different jobs? It shows a thirst for new challenges! For adventure! For snazzy new uniforms! And look at all those jobs: Waiter (serving people), Door to Door Salesman (giving to people), Elevator Operator (helping people get to and fro). Not only is G for Grover, but it is also for Giving. He has devoted his entire career(s) to helping people! Maybe that’s why his eyes are so “droopy”. It just goes to show how the burden of all those years of service have affected him. Kinda like, um, let’s see, Frodo and the One Ring! He is a shell of his once former greatness! But he continues to persevere! To put on a happy face for the sake of the children! It’s only a matter of time before Gollum… I mean Cookie Monster mistakes his finger for a furry, blue cookie and bites it off!

Michelle: Well, there you have it - who is better: A whole, very well rounded Muppet? Or a shell of a former Muppet? I think the choice is clear. Furry, blue, embracing life and his monsterness, enthusiastic educator, distinguished host, disco diva, a true cookie connoisseur! I didn’t even get to mention that he is a master of disguise and an outstanding game show contestant. He always manages to “Beat the Time” with mere seconds left. So what if he eats the prize? He’s earned it! Lastly, Cookie Monster is still with me, still my friend after all these years. He now visits my Godson Patrick, who gives him hugs, kisses and yes - cookies! (And he hasn’t lost a digit yet). Me say Cookie Rules!

Craig: Well Patrick is my Godson too! So there is only one reasonable thing we can do: Use him as a weapon against each other! I’ll be sure to give him a new Grover toy for every occasion! Birthdays! Christmas! St. Patrick’s Day! Flag Day! By the time Patrick is 10 I will have brainwashed…I mean shown him the true path of Grover awesomeness! And how can he not see the truth? Grover is lovable, giving, and most importantly a superhero. Not a crazy-eyed overeater with a penchant for talking like a caveman, like someone else I know. And there’s still that issue of a bottom lip. I’m pretty sure he’s the only Muppet to have a lip, which also makes him an excellent kisser. Um, not that I know from personal experience or anything, I’m just assuming.

So who do you guys think won? These pictures were so much fun to make! We hope you folks liked them!

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