Time for another round of Puntabulous Counter Puntabulous! Craig and Olivia go head to head over one of society’s most important issues: Which fictional character has the best super powers?
Be warned: Some Heroes spoilers if you’re not caught up!
Craig: If I were to have someone’s super powers, it would totally be Nathan Petrelli’s from the TV show Heroes. I mean, come on! The ability to fly is TOTALLY the best super power in the world. Plus, if I were Nathan Petrelli, I’d be all suave/corporate business man who looks totally hot with his shirt off and gets to have sex with online porn stars.
Olivia: Forget that jerk, I’m all for Peter Petrelli! You think flying is fancy? Well Peter can fly too, along with anything else anyone he meets can do! Nathan is a terrible brother to poor sweet Peter, and totally cheats on his wife with your treasured online porn star. You are a sick man, Craig.
Craig: First off: Cute! We’re brothers! Second: Let’s focus less on the philandering, and more on the awesomeness of flying! Plus, Nathan isn’t invincible like Superman, all he can do is fly, which takes a lot of responsibility off of him. If a bad guy starts shooting a gun, he can be all like: “Don’t look at me, all I do is fly!” And then fly away. And clearly if I’m gonna have a super power, it’s not gonna be to help people, it’ll be to have fun. Which is more important. Note the lack of a question mark. Not a question, a statement.
Olivia: He WOULD say something like “Don’t look at me, all I do is fly!” And you know why? Bad person. Let’s look at Peter, hey, he just saved the world! Wow! That seems like something that anyone would do if given the chance, oh wait. I’m forgetting a certain Nathan Petrelli who tried to prevent Peter from saving the world, and, in fact, didn’t really care after he did. Oh, and what’s this I hear now from Jesus who is telling me? WOW! AND CLAIRE IS THE ILLEGITIMATE LOVE CHILD OF NATHAN? The same Nathan that didn’t really care if she died? Oops, that baby daddy messed up! But don’t look at him, all he can do is fly. Uncle Peter’s got cho back though.
Craig: Hmmm… Now that you say “Uncle Peter” it just makes that little flirtation they had going when she went to visit him in jail all the grosser. Plus, if I could fly, I wouldn’t need to drive anywhere anymore. Think of all the gas I’d be saving! That just goes to show how much I care about the environment! Does Peter care about the environment? No. His whining and complaining about not being able to control his powers sounds like a lot of hot air. Hot Air = Greenhouse Gases. Greenhouse Gases = Huge Hole in the Ozone Layer. Thanks a lot Peter! I hope he’s willing to pay for my SPF 5000 sun block!
Olivia: Peter WOULD be willing to pay for your sun block, that’s just the kind of person he is. And flirtation? No sir, that was the care and love of an uncle. And I noticed you have no immediate response to my pointing out of the fact that crappy Nathan was going to let his daughter die! You know who else doesn’t care if his daughter dies? Satan. Nathan = Satan. And oh! They rhyme! How cute!
Craig: Well I think we can both agree how cute we are. But! It’s not like Nathan knew Peter was going to save his daughter Claire. All he knew was crazy Peter wanted to go put himself in danger’s way. He was just trying to protect his little brother! He’s like a mama bear protecting her young. But a hot man mama bear who can fly! But you’ve failed to mention why Peter’s powers are so cool. What are they again? Super Mega Whinyness? Mighty Morphin Emo Hair?
Olivia: I will not agree on how cute we are for the simple reason of wanting to disagree with you. And yes, actually, Peter DOES have Mighty Morphin Emo Hair, and I think out of all the Emo Hairs, that is the best kind to have. Peter can fly, be invisible, paint the future, regenerate, read minds, and spontaneously combust. Peter could kick Nathan’s ass any day of the week, then fly away, get eaten by an eagle, regenerate his arm that was eaten by the eagle, turn invisible so that the eagle can’t see him, and then read the eagle’s mind for the heck of it. Twenty. Times. Cooler. Than. Stupid Nathan.
Craig: See, the problem with having too many powers is that people will start expecting too much from you. If you read one eagle’s mind, suddenly everyone will be coming to you asking to read their cat’s mind, or their dog’s mind. And then all of a sudden you’re the freaking pet psychic. And you’re on some Animal Planet show hosted by Mario Lopez. Yeah, real cool. Woosh! Woosh! What’s that? That’s me flying around all cool and stuff.
Olivia: Not impressed. I’m sorry, but Peter is too busy saving the world to even care about what pets are thinking. Last time I checked, he was partially invisible, no one can even find him. Woosh, Woosh! What’s that? Oh, it’s Nathan Petrelli being a jerk and associating with mobsters or something, whoever Linderman is. Oh, stab, stab! What’s that? Nathan getting killed. Snap, Crackle, and POP sir!
Craig: If Nathan associates with mobsters, I’m sure it’s just for the benefit of his family and/or cleaning up after his crazy brother Peter’s public displays of lunacy. Nathan has the coolest powers because 1) He can fly, 2) He can ONLY fly and how can anyone be expected to save the world when all they can do is fly, so he can spend less time saving the world and more time having fun and flying, and 3) Who said having the coolest powers had anything to do with being a good person?
Olivia: Peter is about twenty six times cooler and more amazing that Nathan. And more hardcore. Peter absorbs powers, and not in a hobo way. Peter is way nicer than Nathan, more heroic, and saved Nathan’s daughter, how’s that for a slice of fried genius?! And as you pointed out, Peter has Mighty Morphin Emo Hair, and I like that. There’s no Average Joe haircut there, Nathan. Peter’s an individual, and noble. So there, Good day, Sir.
