Battlestar Galactica is celebrated for its daring look at controversial issues such as free will, occupancy, insurgency, and abortion. But the most controversial issue of all is: Exactly how irritating can a “good” character be before we stop rooting for them? For the love of Gods these people can be annoying! Let’s take a closer look at these characters and see what makes them so irritating, shall we? Spoilers ahead if you’re not totally caught up!

WHO: Admiral William Adama
WHY HE IS SO IRRITATING: Okay, we get it, you’re a tough guy. Enough with the raspy voice. Try a lozenge! Adama also has this ridiculous habit of yelling at people in the beginning of the episode and telling them that he never wants to see them again, then by the end of the episode, he’s sitting at their bedside telling them how much he loves them and thinks of them like a child. Half the people on Galactica are petitioning to have their last name changed to Adama. The more people he tells, the less it means, not to mention he’ll throw them under the bus once they step out of line again.
WHY HE ISN’T SO BAD: Whatever he’s doing, he seems to be doing it right. All he has to do is open his mouth and people break out in the slow clap. And by “slow clap” I mean “so say we all”.

WHO: President Laura Roslin
WHY SHE IS SO IRRITATING: Well if it isn’t Ms. Holier than Thou herself! She started off the series as a school teacher in above her head, but as Adama recently pointed out, she’s becoming progressively obsessed with finding Earth as her illness increases. Finding Earth is all fine and good, but she’s becoming increasingly cutthroat in her actions to find it because if she dies before leading humanity to Earth, it means she’s not part of the prophesy, and her life is meaningless. Sounds pretty selfish if you ask me. Oh, and enough with the glasses on, glasses off business. We get it!
WHY SHE ISN’T SO BAD: Her search for Earth can be a bit obsessive at times, but deep down, I feel that she’s working for the good of humanity.

WHO: Lee “Apollo” Adama
WHY HE IS SO IRRITATING: Because he has no idea what he wants in life. He’s spent his entire life being a pilot, but oh wait, when he was a kid he used to sneak into his grandfather’s office and read his law books. Really, Apollo? Did that really happen? He also wants to be with Starbuck, but doesn’t try hard enough when she plays hard to get by marrying someone else. And then there was this ridiculous business of Apollo not wanting to cheat and Starbuck not wanting to get a divorce. They’re all kissy kissy one minute, and then suddenly they’re members of Focus on the Family. What the hell?
WHY HE ISN’T SO BAD: We all have a hard time searching for our callings in life, and we don’t look nearly as good in a towel while searching for it.

WHO: Kara “Starbuck” Thrace
WHY SHE IS SO IRRITATING: She’s a cocky loudmouth drunk, she’s always getting herself into trouble, she has no idea what she wants in life, she makes the most god awful decisions, she married someone else because she was too scared to get with Apollo, and she always chooses the more exciting violent solution rather than the less exciting reasonable solution. She also has both Adama’s wrapped around her finger, and they do nothing but go out of their way to keep her happy, even after she pretty much killed Adama’s other son Zak.
WHY SHE ISN’T SO BAD: She’s a damn good pilot, and what ace pilot isn’t a cocky bastard? Plus she might lead humanity to Earth. Or she’s the harbinger of death. Whatever.

WHO: Dr. Gaius Baltar
WHY HE IS SO IRRITATING: First off you have that whole helping obliterate the human race business, which isn’t always the best way to get people to like you. Then you have his astounding political career which was gained through dirty politics and a sexy Cylon in his head telling him what to do so his wishy washy self never had to make a decision on his own. And now he’s some sort of messiah to the badass beauty brigade, which includes dressing like Hugh Hefner and still letting the sexy Cylon in his head tell him what to do. And he’s skeevy.
WHY HE ISN’T SO BAD: With the Cylons not being as evil as they once appeared, maybe that means he isn’t all that bad. Maybe?

WHO: Colonel Saul Tigh
WHY HE IS SO IRRITATING: We all know he only got to where he is by being friends with Adama, and what isn’t more irritating than an authority figure who doesn’t deserve their rank in society? I mean really, what has he contributed? He just barks out the orders that Adama gives him. What does XO even stand for? (Fine, it stands for Executive Officer, but it should be EO!) Remember what a disaster he was when he took over while Adama was in a coma? And don’t even get me started on what he did to his poor misunderstood hot mess of a wife Ellen.
WHY HE ISN’T SO BAD: He’s been a lot cooler since his time on New Caprica. The pirate look suits him. He still doesn’t do much though.

WHO: Lt. Karl ‘Helo’ Agathon and Lt. Sharon ‘Athena’ Valerii
WHY THEY ARE SO IRRITATING: Oh I’m sorry, are these two different characters? Because I was under the impression that they were one and the same since they haven’t had a single storyline of their own, since like, forever. Unless you count that god awful “Woman King” episode from Season 3 where the evil doctor (played by the guy who always plays a bad guy) was obviously killing people and Helo was the only person who noticed, but no one would listen to him because it was a really crappy episode. And they just kind of stand around while the Humans and the Cylons fight over their baby.
WHY THEY AREN’T SO BAD: Who are we to judge two young kids in love?

WHO: Chief Petty Officer Galen Tyrol
WHY HE IS SO IRRITATING: He’s supposed to represent the “everyman” on the show, but if every man was as irritating as he is, I’d shoot myself. He’s like a walking inadequacy issue and he’s not afraid to show it. He’s always left behind repairing the ships rather than saving the day with the pilots, Boomer left him for the much hotter Helo, and he doesn’t look nearly as good in the double tank top uniform as everyone else does. I know I’d be spending plenty of time in the therapist’s office, but he doesn’t do anything to help himself. He just complains about how horrible his life is.
WHY HE ISN’T SO BAD: The episode where he made the stealth Blackbird was pretty awesome, and it actually made him quite endearing, briefly. Plus we’d all be pretty irritating if we were married to Cally.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Petty Officer Anastasia “Dee” Dualla: You think Dee is all cute at first with her tiny ears, and she’s dating Billy which is all kinds of awesome, because who wouldn’t want to date Billy? But then he proposes and she rejects him and gets with Apollo out of nowhere! And before Billy could come crying into my tender and loving arms, he gets shot and dies.

Callandra “Cally” Henderson-Tyrol: Her voice is like nails on a chalkboard. Not to mention all the BSG-loving women of the world simultaneously sighed and shook their heads when she married the man who beat her to a bloody pulp. But let’s not worry about her anymore because, you know…

Tory Foster: She’s like the dark horse of the irritating competition. Where did she come from? She already loses points for replacing Billy (Billy!). She’s also enjoying her new Cylon powers way too much, although they do come in handy (see above). And she really needs to knock it off with the creepy sexy-time with Baltar business. Weirdo.

Admiral Helena Cain: Her character wasn’t irritating. She was just plain evil but watching her just irritated the crap out of me. She easily could have made the show completely unenjoyable. Luckily her time on the island was brief.

Kendra Shaw: Oh really? You were on the Pegasus the entire time? I’ll have to rewatch my Season 2.5 DVDs and see if I can spot you in the background. Liar!

Shevon: Who, you ask? She’s the prostitute who Apollo was seeing in the “Black Market” episode. She doesn’t even have a last name! No further explanation of her irritatingness needed.

Growing up I wanted to be any number of different things. I idolized various people by the minute. I longed to be someone cooler than myself, someone who demanded respect simply by existing. So now I present you with a handy guide to my various childhood idols:

WHO: Batman from the 1960’s Batman series.
WHY: Batman was, and continues to be, my favorite comic book hero ever. To be Batman just seemed so attainable. I mean, it’s not like he came from a different planet, or got covered in radioactive goop to gain super powers like those other loser comic book heroes. I think what also helped in making it seem so attainable was the cheese factor of the 1960’s Batman show (when is that coming out on DVD?). I mean, I’m sure I could get my hand on some spandex. And the fights never looked all that dangerous. Just throw a couple of punches and let the cartoon onomatopoeias do all the work. And I completely envied the whole hidden door to the Batcave business. To this day I still want to incorporate a secret passageway into my house. But nowadays if you have a secret passageway in your house everyone thinks you’re a pedophile. Damn pedophiles. They ruin everything.

WHO: Stuntman started with 1989’s Batman.
WHY: Okay, so being Batman was all fine and good until 1989, when Tim Burton’s Batman came out and it finally dawned on me that being Batman could actually be kinda dangerous. So I couldn’t be a real-life Batman anymore. However! I could be a stuntman in Batman movies. Genius! That way I could be Batman without actually having to be Batman! And if I was a stuntman, I could be any number of awesome people in all different types of movies! This is where I take a moment to let you stop laughing at the idea of my scrawny ass being a stuntman. Okay, better? At the time I didn’t realize all the hard work and god-forbid working out required to be a stuntman. I guess I just assumed you got to run around in cool costumes all day. Could you imagine me being Batman’s stunt double these days? Christopher Nolan would be like: “Where’s the stunt double?” and Christian Bale would be like: “I don’t know. Last I saw, he was running around throwing fake kicks and punches at everyone.” And then they’d both just shake their heads.

WHO: Uncle Jesse from Full House
WHY: Alright. First off: shut up. Secondly: what’s not to idolize?! He had it all! Good looks, great hair (after Stephanie cut off the mullet), a hot wife, cute kids, and he was friends with the Beach Boys! (Which was kind of a big deal back then, don’t ask, it was the early 90’s.) And at this point of my childhood, I may have been confusing being Uncle Jesse, with being with Uncle Jesse. Plus he was in an awesome band called Jesse and the Rippers, and made cool music videos that made this little boy child swoon with love and adoration. Oh, and their bed in the attic folded up into the wall, which I just thought was the coolest. thing. ever. What practical purpose it served I’m not sure, but it was darn cool.

WHO: Gizmoduck from DuckTales
WHY: Okay, so maybe DuckTales jumped the shark with the introduction of Gizmoduck, but that didn’t stop this nerdy, Transformers-loving boy from idolizing him with every fiber of his being. I mean, you could just be an average person and all you had to do was yell out “Blathering Blatherskyte!” and all these robot parts would join to you and you’d become this super cool crime-fighting robot. Sometimes I would cut the other end off of empty soup and vegetable cans my Mom was throwing away, put three of them on each arm and run around my backyard pretending to be Gizmoduck praying for the day when telekinetic voice-commanded robotics came into existence. Yeah, I was a weird kid.

WHO: Dr. Alan Grant from Jurassic Park
WHY: As you may or may not know, all my life I wanted to be a paleontologist. I even got my bachelors degree in Geology with a concentration in Biology so I could move on and become a super famous paleontologist and discover the first infant Tyrannosaurus Rex skeleton. As you can see I’m now a super famous paleontologist who discovered the first infant Tyrannosaurus Rex skeleton those plans fell through. Jurassic Park came out when I was 12 years old, which is a prime time in boyhood when dinosaurs are even cooler than transforming robots. And not only was Dr. Grant a leader in the field of paleontology, he was so respected that he was invited to be one of the first visitors to a park full of dinosaurs. It was this moment that I set my future in stone. I was going to be a paleontologist. After all, I needed to become the leader in the field of paleontology that way I would get invited to be one of the first visitors to a park full of dinosaurs.

WHO: J.R.R. Tolkien author of The Lord of the Rings.
WHY: My junior year of college is when I really got involved with reading and writing. Before then, I was never much of a reader. In fact, I loathed it. Our school system trained me to think that reading was a chore, or at least that’s the excuse I use. But with the discovery of Harry Potter (I only started reading the series when the first movie came out) I would never be seen without a book again. But it’s not J.K. Rowling who is my current idol, it’s J.R.R. Tolkien. Granted my writing is geared towards children, I love the idea of creating my own world, which I think it much more evident in Tolkien’s writing than in Rowling’s. Along with the main series I’m working on, it’s a dream of mine to write a fictional history book detailing the span of a world from beginning to end. Baby steps, Craig. Baby steps.

Sorry I don’t have time for a regular post today. This is a repost from last year. Enjoy!

Well folks! Easter is almost upon us! It’s that time of year when we commemorate the death and resurrection of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. “How does the Bible say we should honor him?” you ask. With bunnies of course!

But just like God, the Easter Bunny is quick to anger, and we must fear him, so that he will not punish us with plagues, locusts, evil horsemen, or black jelly beans.

Here is a list of things you should not do that piss the Easter Bunny off:

1) It pisses the Easter Bunny off when he is not taken seriously as an actor. Charlize Theron, Nicole Kidman, and Halle Berry all won Oscars when they made themselves “ugly” for their roles. What did the Easter Bunny get? An Oscar? A Golden Globe, at least?!

No fucking way! All he got was a bit part in a crappy movie about teen angst.

2) NO, HE DOES NOT LAY THE EGGS, SO STOP ASKING!!!!

3) Also, his name is not Peter Cottontail, and he wants no fucking part of your bunny trail. He’ll hippity hop all over your ass, and then slap a bitch.

4) Do not try and trick him with carrots. He is smarter than you.

5) He hates that he is considered a commercial invention to promote Easter sales. If you need examples of his Biblical roots, look no further!

Moses parts the Red Sea… or did he?

The Bunnies of Sodom and Gomorrah:

At the crucifixion:

If you fail to observe any of the above rules, you are taking your life into your own hands. Don’t come crying to me when you have crappy candy in your Easter baskets.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Hey that rhymes! Every group has one. The brutish thug that helps you out of a tight spot. They may not be the smartest bulb in the toolbox, but they’re certainly the strongest. Their means might not be the suavest, but their ends are worth the collateral damage. Here’s an easy guide to understanding the various forms muscle can take:

WHO: Chewbacca from Star Wars
ABOUT: George Lucas modeled Chewbacca after his dog Indiana and the way he would sit next to him in the passengers seat of his car while he drove. And then obviously the name Indiana turned into Indiana Jones. Seriously, why don’t I have a dog? They’re like little crapping money machines! Except money brings joy to peoples’ lives while dogs are just annoying.
WORK OUT REGIMEN: Peeing. It’s a huge production. And then Han has to put a towel on the copilot’s seat because the hair stays wet forever. Don’t ever get me started on the dingleberries.

Chewbacca: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrgh
C-3PO: He made a fair move. Screaming about it can’t help you.
Han Solo: Let him have it. It’s not wise to upset a Wookiee.
C-3PO: But sir, nobody worries about upsetting a droid.
Han Solo: That’s ’cause droids don’t pull people’s arms out of their sockets when they lose. Wookiees are known to do that.
Chewbacca: Grrf.
C-3PO: I see your point, sir. I suggest a new strategy, R2: let the Wookiee win.

WHO: Jayne Cobb from Firefly and Serenity
ABOUT: In the television show Firefly, Jayne’s intentions were pretty mysterious. Was he a good guy? Was he a bad guy? Unfortunately Firefly was canceled and we never got to find out. But then Serenity came out and we got a solid conclusion to all most of our questions. It may not have happened exactly the way Joss Whedon (or I) wanted, but at least Jayne turned out to be a good guy.
WORK OUT REGIMEN: Dodging cancellation. Good luck Chuck! I’m referencing the awesome TV show he’s currently on, not the crappy Dane Cook movie. Is calling it a “crappy” Dane Cook movie redundant?

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Jayne, how many weapons you plan on bringing? You only got the two arms.
Jayne Cobb: I just get excitable as to choice — like to have my options open.

WHO: Private Jenette Vasquez from Aliens
ABOUT: She is one tough cookie. But if she caught you calling her “cookie” she’d kick your ass. The woman who played Vasquez is Jenette Goldstein. She played a character (and I use the term liberally) named Irish Mommy in Titanic. From Private Vasquez to Irish Mommy. Talk about a versatile actress! I heard she was even Phylicia Rashad’s understudy in A Raisin in the Sun.
WORK OUT REGIMEN: Beach Volleyball with Admiral Cain, Xena Warrior Princess, and Velma from Scooby Doo.

Hudson: Hey Vasquez, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
Vasquez: No. Have you?

WHO: Gimli son of Gloin from The Lord of the Rings
ABOUT: First off…Gloin? Seriously, I love saying that. Gloin, Gloin, Gloin. Okay, moving on. Gimli was a great little character in The Fellowship of the Ring, but after that he kind of toed the line of buffoonery. “I know! Let’s have him burp! That’s so original and edgy!” That being said, his contests with Legolas were really well done. And who doesn’t love rooting for the little fat guy?
WORK OUT REGIMEN: Running for hours and hours on top of ridges and other various mountains to inspiring orchestral music. Speaking of, why did they always have to run along the tops of the mountains? Seems like more work.

Gimli: Certainty of death. Small chance of success. What are we waiting for?

WHO: Worf from Star Trek
ABOUT: 175 episodes of Star Trek: Next Generation, 102 episodes of Star Trek: Dee Space Nine, 4 movies, and not a single headbutt. I mean seriously? What’s the point of having that awesome forehead if you’re not going to headbutt anyone? I’d go around headbutting everyone I saw. He came pretty close in Star Trek: First Contact when Captain Picard called him a coward. Instead he just said: “If you were any other man, I would kill you!” which I enjoy saying at least once a day in my best Klingon accent. Nobody gets what movie I’m referencing, so they just kinda think I’m an asshole. But then again, I admitted to wanting to headbutt everyone with my hypothetical Worf forehead, so maybe they’re right.
WORK OUT REGIMEN: Not practicing headbutting apparently!

Lt. Commander. Data: He must have died in his sleep.
Lieutenant Worf: What a terrible way to die.

Who would have thought that a man and woman could be best friends? But apparently it’s true! And not in that fake “my husband/wife is my best friend!” kinda way either. Like actually best friends! Here’s a handy guide to those miraculous friendships in all their platonic glory!

WHO: Zack Morris and Jessie Spano from Saved by the Bell
ABOUT: Zack Morris and Jessie Spano grew up next door to each other, so they’ve known each other their entire lives. Except for that brief period where Zack was in Middle School and lived in Indianapolis, Indiana, had a teacher named Miss Bliss, and had no idea who the fuck Jessie Spano was.
POSSIBLE ROMANCE? Jessie was actually the only girl at Bayside High that Zack didn’t make out with. He even macked on Lisa Turtle! Remember that episode? Ugh! Poor Screech!
ONLY A BEST FRIEND WOULD: Put up with your pill-popping shit.

WHO: Will Truman and Grace Adler from Will & Grace
ABOUT: A gay and his fag hag. It’s a beautiful thing. Their friendship started off really good, then they considered having a baby and everything went downhill. Oh wait, no, I’m thinking of the quality of the show. Zing! The last two seasons were painful. I’ve still never seen the series finale. My mom told me what happened though. Meh.
POSSIBLE ROMANCE? They dated in college when Will was still in the closet and the show was still good. But the whole gay thing kinda ruined the chances of them ever ending up together. Damn gays. They ruin everything! If only there was some sort of program we could send gay people to and have them de-gayed. I wonder if anyone’s thought of that?
ONLY A BEST FRIEND WOULD: Stick with you even when you keep inviting annoying guest stars to your house every week.

WHO: Veronica Mars and Wallace Fennel from Veronica Mars
ABOUT: Veronica cut a naked Wallace down from the flagpole and it was magic ever since. Veronica was the sharp-tongued sassy private investigator. Wallace was the shortest all-star basketball player in the history of the sport. Poor Wallace faded to the background as the show tried to fit itself into a more teen soap opera mold (so long black people!) during season 3. Fortunately Mac was there to ease the pain.
POSSIBLE ROMANCE? Not between Veronica and Wallace themselves, but rather their parents. Oh wonderful cliche of cliches! How I love thee!
ONLY A BEST FRIEND WOULD: Still be your best friend even after you start dating her bitchy arch-nemesis Jackie (who I loved BTW). But in Wallace’s defense, Veronica was pretty bitchy too.

WHO: Valerie Cherish and Mickey Deane from The Comeback
ABOUT: This show was amazing. But it got slightly more amazinger every time Mickey was on screen. Remember when Juna wanted to set Mickey up with a (male) friend and Mickey was annoyed and flabbergasted that someone knew he was gay?
POSSIBLE ROMANCE? Ew. “Note to self: After a long day at work, I don’t want to see that!”
ONLY A BEST FRIEND WOULD: Make sure your hair was perfectly feathered at all times. Even while wearing a cupcake costume.

WHO: Sydney Bristow and Will Tippin from Alias
ABOUT: Will was a one of the best investigative reporters Los Angeles had to offer, but he still couldn’t figure out that Sydney was a superspy.
POSSIBLE ROMANCE? They kissed that one time when they were drunk and Alias fans nationwide squealed with delight. Damn you last-five-minutes-of-season-2 for ruining a good thing!
ONLY A BEST FRIEND WOULD: Don the most ridiculous looking wig on the face of the planet to escape the danger that you put him in. Seriously, do you remember that episode? And that wig?!

WHO: Claire Bennet and Zach [last name omitted for the protection of the “straight”] from Heroes
ABOUT: These two had to band together because they were both outsiders in their high school; two of the best looking outsiders on the face of the planet, but outsiders nonetheless. Zach even took a lesson in the Zack Morris School of Bestfriendship and climbed through Claire’s window one time.
POSSIBLE ROMANCE? Thomas Dekker’s agent tried to get the producers of Heroes to write in a sex scene between Claire and Zach where Zach where afterwards he heaves a sigh of relief and exclaims: “Mmmmm! Pussy!” It’s a good thing they de-gayed Zach, because his uber-masculine role in Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles requires a lot of whining and not doing much.
ONLY A BEST FRIEND WOULD: Say “Um, yeah, it’s kinda obvious” when you come out to them.

WHO: Izzie Stevens and George O’Malley from Grey’s Anatomy
ABOUT: Shonda seems to come from the school of telling and not showing. I didn’t even know these people were best friends until the end of season 3 when Izzie prattled on for episodes on end about how they were best friends. Um, really? Since when?
POSSIBLE ROMANCE? Unfortunately.
ONLY A BEST FRIEND WOULD: Know the difference between getting drunk and sleeping together and being in love. See? So they aren’t best friends!

WHO: Starbuck and Apollo from Battlestar Galactica
ABOUT: I wasn’t sure if Apollo and Starbuck constituted “best friends” but any excuse to write about Battlstar Galactica is a good excuse. I guess they are best friends, right? I mean, who else do they have? Gaeta? Puh-lease!
POSSIBLE ROMANCE? These two are meant for each other! They flirted for what seemed like forever, and then they finally got it on and shouted their love for each other while in the buff and Craig was so excited even though the rest of the world thought they were being terrible annoying. But now they’re married to different people and Apollo won’t cheat and Starbuck won’t divorce. Or maybe it’s the other way around? I don’t know. It doesn’t even matter because it’s completely unbelieveable but since it’s Battlestar Galactica it can do no wrong in my mind (except for the Black Market and Woman King episodes, obviously. I’m only human after all!).
ONLY A BEST FRIEND WOULD: Beat the crap out of you in the boxing ring. Shoot you while falling in slow-motion through the air with a gun in each hand. Almost send nuclear weapons to a space station you were on and could easily escape in the time frame necessary.

WHO: Craig and Robin from You Totally Wish You Were Our Friends
ABOUT: You know you’re best friends when you see each other about three times a year and you’re still best friends.
POSSIBLE ROMANCE? She wishes!
ONLY A BEST FRIEND WOULD: Oh my god, you don’t even want to know all the crap she’s done for me. She’s also the first person I ever came out to!

I know right? Me, helping you get ready for the Superbowl this weekend? What has the world come to?! But obviously I’m talking about a super delicious recipe (that my friend Tim gave me) and not helping you pick your box. LOL: “pick your box”.

These are most of the ingredients. Healthy, right? I bet you’re already salivating in anticipation.

You boil 3-4 chicken breasts for 30 minutes. I would have done this earlier in the day had I realized waiting 30 minutes for chicken to cook would be so boring. Granted, it doesn’t take a genius to realize that waiting half an hour for chicken to boil would be boring. The only good that came out of it was the knowledge that a watched pot does in fact boil.

Boiled chicken kinda looks like the sheep hearts we dissected in high school biology. Preheat the oven at 425!

Spread the bottom of an oven-safe dish with the whole bar of cream cheese. Generously lick the spoon after you’re done spreading the cream cheese. SIDENOTE

Then you shred the chicken. (Another reason to boil the chicken earlier in the day. Shredding hot chicken hurts!)

Then you mix in the whole bottle of blue cheese dressing and the whole bottle of Frank’s Hot Sauce. Don’t use the same spoon that you licked after spreading the cream cheese! You disgusting bastard!

Next you poor the chicken concoction into the dish.

What could make this even less healthier, you ask? Sprinkle shredded mozzarella cheese on top! Not too much though! Adding too much cheese makes it hard for dipping! Then put it in the oven for 20 minutes!

This is the wine you drink while waiting the 20 minutes for the dip to cook and attempt pretend think about cleaning up the mess.

And here is the finished product! Buffalo Chicken Dip!

Eat it with tortilla chips! Yum! You’ll be the hit of the Superbowl party! Who’s ready to watch some commercials football?!

They can fly us halfway across the galaxy and save our skins more times than we can count, but very rarely are the pilots the main hero of the story. So let’s take a moment to recognize the awesomeness (and not so awesomeness) of spaceship pilots.

WHO: Alex Rogan from The Last Starfighter
ABOUT HIM: This is actually one of the rare cases where the pilot gets to be the main hero. Have you seen those awful commercials for Fools Gold starring Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson? Where Kate is like: “How did you learn to fly?!” and Matthew is like: “Playstation!” and we’re all supposed to laugh, but we don’t, because it’s not funny. Well that’s the premise of The Last Starfighter. Good at video games = Good at flying in real life. What? It was the 80’s. We were stupid back then!

WHO: Carmen Ibanez from Starship Troopers
ABOUT HER: Look at that face! Is she in severe pain? Or is she having the best sex of her life? Or both? Starship Troopers features some of the worst acting in a movie with amazing special effects (up there with the 1998 Godzilla) but Denise Richards takes the cake. I almost believed her as a nuclear physicist in The World is Not Enough more than a starship pilot even though her character’s name wasn’t nearly as bad as Dr. Christmas Jones. And we all know the only reason for that was so James Bond could say: “I thought Christmas only comes once a year.” Groan.

WHO: Turanga Leela from Futurama
ABOUT HER: I’m not sure how a person with one eye has the proper depth perception to pilot a spacecraft, but that’s besides the point. The picture above is from the BEST EPISODE OF FUTURAMA EVER where they meet the cast of Star Trek and the Star Trek cast do all their own voice work and Craig has a major geekasm, but also mourns the fact that DeForest Kelley (his favorite character Dr. Bones McCoy!) died in 1999 and couldn’t participate. And did you know that there are people out there who draw sexy pictures of Leela? Neither did I! Creepy! Check them out HERE and HERE! And then someone made a Leela shaped computer. Um, yeah, I don’t get it either.

WHO: Pilot from Farscape
ABOUT HIM: Pilot isn’t just his job, it’s his name! Clever! I didn’t watch too much Farscape so I can’t say too much about it, although I do love Rygel. What I’ve seen of it just seems a bit too cheesy for me. But I always felt bad that Pilot was permanently bonded to the ship. I mean, talk about a ball and chain! On a semi-related note: I’m tempted to Netflix the first season of Torchwood, but does it have the same cheese factor as Farscape?

WHO: Hoban “Wash” Washburne from Firefly and Serenity
ABOUT HIM: Okay, I can’t talk about Wash for too long for fear of bursting into tears. He’s a leaf on the wind who loves playing with his little plastic dinosaurs. He also gets to be married to the hot and kick-ass Anna Espinosa from Alias. He was always good for a quick getaway or a funny quip. But then… at the end of Serenity… sorry, I can’t talk about it. I hate you for doing that to me Joss Whedon, but I really, really love you.

WHO: Han Solo from Star Wars
ABOUT HIM: Who needs Jedi powers when you’ve got the coolest piece of crap ship in the universe and a Wookie by your side? Plus you’re the only person in the galaxy who can get head from your girlfriend and still brag to your friends that you gave it to her between the buns. Zing!

Every group has them. The token nerd. The unsung hero of the group. The characters who’s toys linger on the shelves well past the heroic leader being sold out. Well I’d like to take a moment and recognize these heroes of my heart, these heroes of my soul… these heroes of my brain.

WHO: Billy the Blue Ranger from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers
WHY IT SUCKS TO BE A NERD: The only good thing that ever happened to Billy was getting the best color uniform. (Although that only happened because red is almost always mistakenly perceived as the best color and therefore given to the leader of the group.) But that’s where his luck ran out. The rest of his time was spent delegated to staying back at base and “investigating” the problem. Red Ranger: “Billy! You stay here with Alpha 5 and try and find a vaguely scientific solution to the giant monster problem we’re having, while me and the Black and Green Rangers go gang bang that sweet piece of Pink Ranger ass.”
STRAW THAT BROKE THE NERD’S BACK: Being given a Unicorn ThunderZord. Um…gay!

WHO: Brainy Smurf from The Smurfs
WHY IT SUCKS TO BE A NERD: Who confused the terms “Brainy” and “Know-it-all Asshole”? Granted “Know-it-all Asshole Smurf” isn’t exactly children’s show appropriate (and more importantly takes too long to say) he gives us true brainy folk a bad reputation.
STRAW THAT BROKE THE NERD’S BACK: Nerdiness is often mistaken for gayness. You should have seen Brainy Smurf and Vanity Smurf at the Smurf Christmas party. Smurfin’ awkward!

WHO: Donatello from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
WHY IT SUCKS TO BE A NERD: I couldn’t even find a good picture of Donatello from the 1980’s cartoon, so I had to use this group shot, which says a lot right there. He also got stuck with the girliest color headband (Tinky Winky anyone?) and the lamest weapon. Splinter: “Let’s see, two samurai swords, two nunchucks, two sai, and oh, uh, here’s a stick Donatello. It’s a little broken in the middle so you might want to tape it back together.”
STRAW THAT BROKE THE NERD’S BACK: Being voiced by Corey Feldman in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 1990 movie. But at least it wasn’t Corey Haim.

WHO: Perceptor from Transformers
WHY IT SUCKS TO BE A NERD: Let’s face it, the whole point of the show was to sell toys. And when those were sold out they made the 1986 movie and killed off all the old characters to make room for new toys. But the evil (genius) marketing was never more evident than the creation of Perceptor, a character who could turn into a microscope. That’s right: a microscope. The toy just happened to be a real working microscope, perfect for wedgie victims everywhere. Check out the Perceptor toy commercial!
STRAW THAT BROKE THE NERD’S BACK: Everyone: “OMG! Optimus Prime is dead! Who should replace him?” Ironhide: “How about Ultra Magnus?” Ultra Magnus: “But I’m just a soldier, not a leader!” Perceptor: “How about me?” Everyone: “LOL!”

WHO: Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from The Muppets
WHY IT SUCKS TO BE A NERD: Here’s another nerd that was segregated to a back room somewhere secluded and forgotten. Did any of his experiments even work? I think things just exploded around him. Plus he’s constantly being upstaged by his cuter, funnier assistant Beaker. Me me me me me me! He cracks me up! I mean, sorry Doctor.
STRAW THAT BROKE THE NERD’S BACK: His eyes! Where are his eyes?! Oh the humanity!

WHO: Velma Dinkley from Scooby Doo
WHY IT SUCKS TO BE A NERD: She’s short, frumpy, and of course, wears glasses. Lord help her is she loses those glasses. She turns into a blind fool screaming: “My glasses! I can’t find my glasses!” Bitch please! If you can’t find your glasses, you need more help than glasses alone can provide.
STRAW THAT BROKE THE NERD’S BACK: Fred and Daphne’s relationship was a constant reminder of her forbidden love. But for which one? Let’s just say that there’s always been that certain… shall we say: jinkie se quoi that lets the audience know that Velma is on the right side of gay. (Yes, I’ve used that joke before, but I love it.)

There’s a fine line between annoying characters and useless characters. For example, Jeff Goldblum’s daughter in The Lost World: Annoying, but she did some crazy gymnastics and kicked a velociraptor. These guys: Useless.

Useless Character: Persephone as played by Monica Bellucci
Movie: Matrix Revolutions
My Useless Commentary: She’s hot. She has a cool name. She had her very own poster for Matrix Reloaded which lead most people to believe she’d be of some importance. She helped the good guys escape the annoying French guy in the second movie, and then she stopped doing anything useful. Lets face it, the whole Merovingian storyline sucked, but Persephone gets the award for most useless.
Their Most Useless Line: “She’ll do it. If she has to, she’ll kill every one of us. She’s in love.” That was her only line in the last movie. Audiences around the world replied: “Nice tits!”

Useless Character: Warren Worthington III, AKA Angel as played by Ben Foster
Movie: X-Men 3: The Last Stand
My Useless Commentary: His only purpose was to act as a really lame, and not at all subtle, gay parallel storyline. I mean, did his character really warrant having a 10 year flashback at the beginning of the movie? Shouldn’t we reserve those for like main characters. The least you could have done was have him show up at the end battle (in costume! with a powers-in-tact Rogue!) and kick some evil mutant ass.
Their Most Useless Line: “No! It’s what you want!” Calm down, homo!

Useless Character: Kitty Bennet
Movie: Pride and Prejudice
My Useless Commentary: Jane was the pretty one, Lizzy was the clever one, Mary was the geeky one, Lydia was a slutty one, Kitty was the uh… What was her point again? I’m not even positive she’s in the above picture. In the Bollywood movie Bride and Prejudice, they didn’t even have a Kitty character. She was cut! Loser!
Their Most Useless Line: I don’t even know. Something about being jealous of Lydia’s storyline.

Useless Character: Roran played by Christopher Egan
Movie: Eragon
My Useless Commentary: I didn’t even know this character had a name. I had to look it up. I thought it would be something like: Farmboy #2. But he’s Eragon’s cousin, who has to leave his home in order to escape being recruited in the Evil King’s (please don’t make me look up his ridiculous name) evil army. Maybe they had big plans for him to return in a more heroic role for the sequels, but the not so stellar box office receipts beg to differ.
Their Most Useless Line: “I’m leaving.” After he left, I assumed: “Oh, he’ll be back at a climactic moment later in the movie.” Nope!

Useless Character: Jar Jar Binks
Movie: Star Wars: Episodes 1-3
My Useless Commentary: I bet George Lucas had great plans for Jar Jar. He probably brought Jar Jar in for a meeting before they started filming the first prequel and he was like: “You’re gonna be the Chewbacca of the prequels!” and Jar Jar was like: “Meesa like that idea!” And then The Phantom Menace came out and fanboys ripped Jar Jar another amphibious asshole. George listened to the fans and Jar Jar faded away. But not before handing Palpatine the emergency powers that led to him becoming Emperor. Good job Jar Jar! If George Lucas was a better writer, he would have stepped up his game and tweaked Jar Jar’s comedic contributions to the following sequels. After all, us fanboys can be pretty forgiving. I don’t even care Optimus Prime has flames anymore!
Their Most Useless Line: “Senators! Dellow feligates!” Groan.

Useless Character: I have no idea what the hell this thing is.
Movie: Alien: Resurrection
My Useless Commentary: Let me tell you something else about us fanboys. We get very upset when you kill our iconic characters and try to replace them with new characters. Don’t even get me started on Optimus Prime and the animated Transformers movie. Hot Rod was a chump! Why do Hollywood producers insist on killing off characters to make room for new ones? The same goes for movie monsters. Remember how the Spinosaurus killed the Tyrannosaurus Rex in Jurassic Park 3? And we never saw the Tyrannosaurus after that? How stupid was that?! Well along comes this gross/fake looking alien hybrid that kills the alien queen! One of the most iconic monsters of all time! Killed like it was nothing! Note to producers: You can introduce new movie monsters, let them have their fun, then have the original movie monster come back at the end and kick the living shit out of the new movie monster. This alien just popped out, killed the queen, was barely on screen for a minute before getting sucked out a miniature airlock. Wow! Was that supposed to have a point?
Their Most Useless Line: “You are a beautiful, beautiful, butterfly.” This isn’t actually said by the alien. It’s said by someone who watches the alien’s birth. It’s also the most ridiculous line of any movie ever.

MORE PUNTABULOUS GUIDES:
PUNTABULOUS GUIDE TO BEING A SUPERHERO
PUNTABULOUS GUIDE TO BEING A SUPER VILLAIN
PUNTABULOUS GUIDE TO ROBOTS
PUNTABULOUS GUIDE TO LEADERS OF SCIENCE FICTION
PUNTABULOUS GUIDE TO OLDER SOMETIMES WISER MENTORS

Have you ever met an elf? Would you recognize one if you saw it? Are you always on the lookout in case one might cross your path? Have you ever thought…

No, no, no. This is no way to begin a story. There are too many questions and one might begin to think you were in school. A proper introduction to this tale would be to tell you about elves, and then once you have a picture of them inside your head, you can decide for yourself if you have ever seen one in person. After all, even if you did want to answer my questions, I could not hear you because I am, in fact, a book. Click here to continue reading "ELVES"