Pet Sidekick: Dynomutt
Owner: The Blue Falcon
Abilities: Dynomutt is capable of doing pretty much anything. He’s like the Inspector Gadget of dogs. But notice I said capable though. He’s not really good with the follow through, and mostly just messes everything up when he tries to help.
Verdict: Blue Falcon and Dynomutt were my absolute favorite Hanna-Barbera cartoons growing up, and I’d love nothing more than to have Dynomutt as my sidekick. Unfortunately I don’t think I could afford the insurance premiums required to keep him around.

Pet Sidekick: Cringer/Battle Cat
Owner: Prince Adam/He-Man
Abilities: As Battle Cat, he’s fiercer than Tyra Banks if you try to get between her and her BBQ ribs, and he’s one of the few pet sidekicks that doubles as a trusty steed. But when he’s in his Cringer form, he’s absolutely useless. And why is he afraid of turning into Battle Cat every single time? Can’t he just accept that turning into Battle Cat is awesome?
Verdict: He’s great as Battle Cat, but with that annoying alter ego Cringer, he’s kinda like your obnoxious friend who doesn’t remember how annoying they are when they’re drunk.

Pet Sidekick: Laserbeak
Owner: Soundwave
Abilities: Laserbeak was pretty much the only Decepticon capable of performing basic tasks of villainy, with the exception of the 1986 movie where the Decepticons finally got their shit together long enough to blow away the old toy line.
Verdict: He comes in handy for reconnaissance, but not much else. And chances are you don’t even own a tape deck anymore.

Pet Sidekick: Gleek (source of awesome picture)
Owner: Wonder Twins
Abilities: Besides amusing your preadolescent nieces and nephews when you have to babysit, he has the uncanny ability of producing a bucket out of thin air to hold Zan in when he’s in his water form so Jayna can carry him when she’s in her far cooler eagle form.
Verdict: Even your nieces and nephews aren’t amused by his antics for long and you have about a dozen buckets in your garage you have no idea what to do with anyway.

Pet Sidekick: The Cockroach
Owner: WALL-E
Abilities: He can squeeze under really tight crevices, but don’t expect that to come in handy if you ever lock yourself out of your house because he’d still be unable to turn the doorknob. Let’s just say that his best ability is his devotion to you. And possibly outliving you in case of a nuclear holocaust.
Verdict: “If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a merry Christmas.” And if undying devotion were anything but really sweet, he might come in handy, but if you ever get into a bar fight, don’t look to him for help.

Pet Sidekick: Wonderdog
Owner: Wendy and Marvin
Abilities: Who? What?
Verdict: No, just no.

Pet Sidekick: Brain
Owner: Inspector Gadget’s niece Penny
Abilities: He’s a master of disguise and more than lives up to his name. If you want a pet to start a crime solving business with, he’s definitely your man, um, dog. And let’s face it, you aren’t bright enough to solve crime on your own.
Verdict: But he isn’t exactly lovable. In fact, he’s quite condescending with the eye rolling and the grumbling about not getting credit for doing all the work. I mean, what’s the use of having a sidekick if they’re gonna try and take credit for all your their hard work?

Pet Sidekick: Dug
Owner: Charles Muntz/Russell
Abilities: He’s loyal and brave, and he also sports a collar that allows you to communicate with him. But he doesn’t exactly have the best atteniSQUIRREL!
Verdict: He worked for the evil Charles Muntz before joining the good guys, which makes you wonder if he’s really a good dog, or if he’s just loyal to whoever is scratching his belly at the time. (A trait I’ve been accused of as well.)

Pet Sidekick: Azrael
Owner: Gargamel
Abilities: He’s small and agile, and able to reach inside mushrooms to reach little blue men. It’s a very precise ability, but perhaps it can be translated into other uses?
Verdict: Let’s face it, he’s just a cat. No special powers or resourcefulness, but if you’re heading in the villainous direction, cats are villainous enough on their own that they don’t really need special powers for their evildoing.

Pet Sidekick: Donkey
Owner: Shrek
Abilities: He can talk! He loves to talk! He’s the talkingest thing you ever saw! He can also fly! Wait, no he can’t. But what Donkey lacks in flying abilities, he compensates with the loyalty of a dog, the steediness of a small horse, and the voice of a comic legend who can’t seem to make good movies anymore.
Verdict: I don’t care how good his waffles are, an hour with him and I’m likely to blow my brains out. I think I’d rather watch Meet Dave.

Pet Sidekick: Snarf
Owner: The Thundercats
Abilities: Okay, let’s see, he’s the feline sidekick of the slightly less feline ThunderCats. He has the snarfing ability to interject the word snarf into any and all conversations. And his name is Snarf. That about covers it.
Verdict: I’m not gonna sugarcoat this. He’s useless and annoying as hell.

So what do you say? Which of these cartoon pet sidekicks will you be using in your conquest to rid the world of villainy (or justice)?

WHO: Captain Jean-Luc Picard
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: For an old guy, he certainly has a remarkably nice body and a sweet penchant for short shorts. Plus there’s the added thrill of getting it on with the captain.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: But he can be a bit too stuffy at times, ruining the sensuality of the moment by saying “Oh dear, would it be impudent of me to cum? Pip pip cheerio!” and then quoting Moby Dick for some unknown reason.
VERDICT: He’s Jean-Luc-freaking-Picard!

WHO: Commander William RIker
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: He’s certainly the most classically handsome of the bunch and that beard of his hurts so good when it rubs up against your skin.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: But something needs to be said about a man who simply refuses to take command of his own starship, insisting on passing up command after command to stay put as first officer. I wouldn’t be surprised if he just lays there and makes you do all the work and insists on calling you Mommy, even if you’re a dude.
VERDICT: William Riker gets what William Riker wants. And William Riker wants you. And you. And you.

WHO: Commander Data
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: He is programmed in multiple techniques and a broad variety of pleasuring. Plus, as an android, he can’t be insulted when you hand him a couple of tissues and send him packing.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: Data has never been the most socially aware members of the crew, and has a tendency to say or ask inappropriate things at odd moments. And you never want to have sex with someone who can tell you precisely how much harrier you are than the rest of the general population based upon Starfleet statistics.
VERDICT: Put a muzzle on him, and you have a fully functional sexbot.

WHO: Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: As the Enterprise’s resident nerd, you just know he’s not getting the play he’s longed all his life for, so he’ll treasure you and treat you the way you wish to be treated.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: But he insists on taking off his visor when you make sweet, sweet love and there’s only so many times you can fall for the line “Oh that’s odd, I could have sworn I was wearing a condom.”
VERDICT: Once you go blind, you never look behind.

WHO: Chief Medical Officer Beverly Crusher
WHY SHE’S GOOD IN BED: She has a fondness and knack for dancing, and you know what they say about good dancers. Plus her medical expertise will come in handy when your pee starts burning more than the Mutara Nebula.
WHY SHE’S BAD IN BED: She has a ton of baggage that may hinder having a brief fling. Nothing ruins the mood quite like being called Jack by a sobbing, naked woman. Unless your name is Jack and don’t mind crying. Then you’re just creepy.
VERDICT: She’s just the right hypospray.

WHO: Counselor Deanna Troi
WHY SHE’S GOOD IN BED: Let’s face it, she’s gorgeous, and those one piece leotards love her curves just as much as you do. Plus, as an empath, she knows exactly what’s working for you and what’s not without having to ask.
WHY SHE’S BAD IN BED: What the hell is up with the accent of hers? And when she moans, it’s about a thousand times more annoying. Plus I’m pretty certain there’s some Betazoid rule where if you sleep with the daughter, you have to sleep with the mother. At least that’s what Lwaxana told me.
VERDICT: Screwing an empath means never having to say “lower.”

WHO: Chief of Security Worf
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: Not to be stereotypical or anything, but it’s a well documented fact that Klingons have enormous penises.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: Not to be stereotypical or anything, but it’s a well documented fact that getting fucked by a Klingon will tear apart your insides.
VERDICT: He’s ridged for your pleasure.

WHO: Former Chief of Security Tasha Yar
WHY SHE’S GOOD IN BED: You just know she’d be up for bringing that hot nurse Alyssa Ogawa to join you guys.
WHY SHE’S BAD IN BED: If you’re a dude, you’d probably end up leaving out of boredom about halfway through to make yourself a sandwich while Tasha and Alyssa got to know each other better.
VERDICT: Blondes have more fun. And are lesbians.

WHO: Acting Ensign Wesley Crusher (But not till he’s 18!)
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: He’s, um, tight. And I don’t mean cheap.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: He’s a bit of a know-it-all so he has a tendency to ruin the moment by telling you that the gravitational yada yada yada of bouncing on his blah blah blah, would be exponentially increased if you whatchamacallit on top and centrifugally did this that and the other thing.
VERDICT: Writing about fucking Wesley makes me feel uncomfortable.

So what do you say? Which crew member are you bringing home tonight?

What: Lady Gaga
Why I Hated It: She first came onto the scene with her single Just Dance. It was a really great song that I loved right away. But then I started reading about her in interviews and stuff and she just came across so conceited. She was always going on about how her songs were art and how she was an artist, blah blah blah. And I wanted to scratch her eyes out because doesn’t she know she’s just a another pop star and shut up already? I mean, I loved each song she put out, but I just couldn’t stand her.
Turning Point: Then she did an interview with a German television show wearing a coat made of several Kermit the frogs. And now I get it. It’s an act. No one can possibly wear that coat and take themselves too seriously. It’s just not possible. I bet she goes home and laughs her ass off at the ridiculousness of it all. At least I like to think she does and that’s what makes me love her now.

What: Beer
Why I Hated It: I never had a single drink of alcohol in high school. No, not even for my prom or graduation. Sure, I had sips of my Mom’s frilly drinks at family gatherings from time to time, but a sip of my uncle’s beer when I was a kid was enough to keep me away from it for years.
Turning Point: Then I got to college. In the beginning of my freshman year, I was still holding onto my sweet, non-alcoholic demeanor. Friends would ask me if I wanted to go out with them, and I would decline, instead staying in. Then I talked to my Mom on the phone and she said, “You don’t want to decline so much that you never get invited anymore.” It was true. So I said yes to the next invite I got (probably that night) and we went to the Thursday hot spot called Cheers (the trashiest of establishments, where nobody knew your name) and they had cans of Coors Light for $1 and it’s been magic ever since.

What: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Why I Hated It: Everyone in the world told me I would love this show. I fought watching it for so long because Sarah Michelle Gellar fighting vampires? Really? But I finally gave in and borrowed the first and second season from my cousin Michelle. I watched the first season and it was just okay. But just. The characters were cute, but nothing great, the special effects were kind of atrocious (praying mantis teacher, anyone?) and the Master storyline wasn’t all that great to keep me interested. But everyone kept telling me how great it was so I kept going. That is until I got to Inca Mummy Girl. That was the last straw. It was such an atrocious episode that I stopped watching for a year.
Turning Point: I finally gave in and started watching again because I felt bad that I had borrowed Michelle’s DVDs for so long, and would hate to give them back unwatched. So I figured I’d power through the rest and never speak of them again. The next episode was Reptile Boy. The name alone sent chills of awfulness down my spine. But hey, it was kinda good. Then there was the Halloween episode, which hey, was kinda good too. Then there was Lie To Me, which was pretty damn amazing. But the major turning point was when Angel turned evil and all the plot lines seemed to come together and make sense. That was when it changed from a fun show into an amazing show.

What: Reading
Why I Hated It: I hated reading when I was younger. Absolutely loathed it, in fact. My parents tried to get me to read all the time, but nothing would stick. I couldn’t even get through Jurassic Park, which was based on my favorite movie of all time. Okay, maybe it’s the other way around, but back then movies totally trumped books. I hardly ever read any of our required reading assignments for school. I had really great English teachers too, and they tried their darndest to make things interesting, but I just could never get into a single one. No, not even Catcher in the Rye or The Great Gatsby.
Turning Point: Then came November of 2001. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone came out in theaters, and it was a really good movie. I had obviously heard about the books before then, but never gave them much thought. They were just silly children’s books after all! But after seeing the movie, and knowing that there were three other books with the continuing adventures of Harry, Ron, and Hermione, I just had to get them and devour them. I loved every second of the books. It was the first time I truly ever read for fun. I carried them wherever I went, and would even squeeze in a few pages between classes. Once I finished Goblet of Fire, I needed more books to read, and to this day I never go anywhere without a good book.

There we have it. What are some things you hated at first before falling madly in love with?

The notion that we’d be called to serve Star Trek is something we never dared dream. This book has had particular meaning to us in that we fell in love with Star Trek through the characters of The Next Generation. The longest summer of our lives was waiting to find out how Captain Riker and the amazing crew of the Enterprise were going to defeat their former Captain, Jean-Luc Picard after his transformation into Locutus of Borg.

We don’t expect to ever feel the same level of anticipation again, but perhaps we can create some for new fans. That is the intention of this book… to take a ride with a beloved crew that no one believed would ever match the original and to pay homage to their stewardship of a thing called Star Trek. Their journey now takes us back to the beginning.

I think it affected me so much since I hope to someday get called into action in a similar fashion. Perhaps to reboot the Star Wars franchise from the dark wretched depths of awfulness? Of course that would depend on whether or not I’m too busy building my own franchise with Super Viagra and Vagina Girl.

CARTOON CHARACTER: Velma Dinkley
REASON FOR NEEDING AN APARTMENT: Tired of being the brains behind the Scooby Gang without earning any of the fame of her prettier, more media friendly partners, Velma decided it was time for a little plastic enhancement. But after some serious complications the surgery only made things worse, and she fled the finger pointing her small town life brought to seek solace amongst the other mutants of the big city.
PROS: She successfully accused the crotchety old neighbor downstairs (who’s constantly banging on his ceiling with a broom) of running a haunted amusement park embezzlement scheme, and he has since been detained for 15-20 years.
CONS: You constantly need to help her find her glasses.

CARTOON CHARACTER: Pidge
REASON FOR NEEDING AN APARTMENT: Forced into the world of galactic armed forces by his overbearing parents who wished to live out their own selfish fantasies, Pidge truly longed to work in the fashion industry. Unsatisfied combining his love of fashion with his career in the galactic armed forces by being the only member of the Voltron Force to wear a uniform that matched the color of their Lion, Pidge left the Voltron Force and moved to the big city hoping to become the next Christian Siriano.
PROS: Since he has not reached puberty yet, Pidge still considers girls icky (which is unlikely to change with the onset of puberty) so you don’t have to worry about late night houseguests.
CONS: Has the unfortunate tendency to sneak into beds and clutch the left arm of unsuspecting sleepers during his war night terrors.

CARTOON CHARACTER: Wile E. Coyote
REASON FOR NEEDING AN APARTMENT: After years of not being able to catch the elusive Road Runner, Wile E. Coyote swore off all animal products and embraced the vegan lifestyle. Along with this vegan lifestyle naturally came liberal political leanings and a general sense of elitism, so he decided to take residence in the most elite place he could think of, the big city. Since an elite personality doesn’t necessarily come with an elite paycheck, he needed to find a cheap room in a less than savory part of town.
PROS: Tofutti Cuties are surprisingly delicious.
CONS: Makes snide remarks anytime you eat an animal product, especially poultry.

CARTOON CHARACTER: Soundwave
REASON FOR NEEDING AN APARTMENT: Tired of constantly playing the Smithers to Megatron’s Mr. Burns, Soundwave left the Decepticons in the hopes of turning his life around for good and joining the Autobots. He was quickly hired by Optimus Prime who subsequently had to let Blaster go since two communications officers would not be needed, and Soundwave had the cooler Cassettrons. Unfortunately for Soundwave, Blaster filed a wrongful termination based on racial bias suit against the Autobots and was rehired. Soundwave was quickly out of a job and hoped to make a fresh start in the big city.
PROS: Can provide a stereo in the event of a global iPod crisis.
CONS: His pets aren’t housebroken and yet coincidentally have a tendency to break your house.

CARTOON CHARACTER: Squidward
REASON FOR NEEDING AN APARTMENT: A recent archaeological expedition stumbled upon his moai home, and returned it back to Easter Island. Spongebob and Patrick gladly opened up their homes to Squidward who vehemently refused and chose a slow and painful death in the water sparse big city.
PROS: He’s a neat freak so you don’t have to worry about cleaning up after his tentacleprints.
CONS: Squidward can’t hide from Spongebob forever, and when you have Spongebob as a houseguest you realize he’s much more annoying in person than he is on TV.

CARTOON CHARACTER: Judy Jetson
REASON FOR NEEDING AN APARTMENT: Wanting to prove herself as a modern, independent woman of the future, Judy left the Jetson household and moved to the big city hoping to catch her big break as America’s Next Top Model. Unfortunately Tyra sent her packing at the first elimination since Judy could not grasp the concept of a catwalk that didn’t move on its own.
PROS: Has met Miss. J.
CONS: Is completely useless when it comes to basic household tasks.

CARTOON CHARACTER: Dr. Zoidberg
REASON FOR NEEDING AN APARTMENT: When Dr. Zoidberg admits to being a doctor only to the same degree as Katherine Heigl and Annie Sprinkle, he decides to go legitimate and earn his GED before moving to the big city and beginning medical school. Luckily NYU needed to fulfill their space alien affirmative action requirement after Mary Kate dropped out.
PROS: He has no hair to forget to clean out of the shower drain. Also, his molted shell is great for playing Robocop.
CONS: Is perplexed by the human body and tries to dissect you in your sleep.

CARTOON CHARACTER: Smurfette
REASON FOR NEEDING AN APARTMENT: After years of watching reruns of Sex and the City on TBS, Smurfette decided it was time to get away from her male dominated village and go to the big city and gain some female friends. Her shock upon hearing people use words like “fuck” instead of “bang” was almost enough to send her crying back into the tender arms of Handy Smurf, but she persevered.
PROS: Screw the wall, you can set up an empty shoe box in the kitchen for her.
CONS: The transition from sweet smurfy living to the down and dirty streets of the big city has not been kind on poor Smurfette. She’s like a kid in a candy store, who’s never had candy before and gets a stomach ache from eating too much. But in this metaphor “candy” equals “sex” and “stomach ache” equals “gonorrhea”.

SO WHAT DO YOU SAY? WHICH ONE IS YOUR NEW ROOMMATE?

FANTASTICAL CREATURE: Centaur
PROS: Nothing is more majestic than a horse, and when you throw a set of six pack abs and a cute face, what could be better?
CONS: Don’t get too excited about the prospect of him being hung like a horse because this time it’s literal. Just imagine being on your hands and knees with those hooves on your shoulders. Not so sexy now, is it?
VERDICT: A nice set of abs goes a long way. Besides, a roll in the hay could be fun.

FANTASTICAL CREATURE: Werewolf
PROS: You’d only have to deal with his abnormalities once a month, so that’s definitely a plus. And making a man howl in bed is definitely a boost to one’s ego.
CONS: But if that many crabs can collect in a small patch of hair above your hooha, just imagine how many he’s packing.
VERDICT: Go for it. Just let him think the chains in the basement are only for his special time of the month. You’ll know better.

FANTASTICAL CREATURE: Faun
PROS: Clever creatures who love the Earth and playing music, they’re kinda like the potheads on your floor in the college dorm who knew how to play the guitar, but without the douche.
CONS: These guys are too preoccupied playing their pipe flutes and prancing around that they don’t have a clue what they’re doing in the bedroom.
VERDICT: Digging around in their fur to get to the good stuff may be annoying, but if they’re anything like James McAvoy, it might be worth it.

FANTASTICAL CREATURE: Ent
PROS: These guys like to take things nice and slow, so you know they’ll treat you right. As they say: “We never do anything unless it is worth taking a long time to do. ” Kinda.
CONS: But when it’s 4:00 AM and you have work in the morning, you’ll be begging them to finish up and go to bed.
VERDICT: You gotta hand it to the old dudes. These guys are thousands of years old, but they’re always sporting wood. [Groan]

FANTASTICAL CREATURE: Minotaur
PROS: It’s like the perfect metaphor for dating! You’ve made it through the labyrinth, and if you’ve managed to survive, what right do you have to complain about what’s waiting for you in the center?
CONS: But he’s an evil man bull who wants to penetrate you with his killer horns more than anything else, so yeah, maybe you can complain a little.
VERDICT: Don’t even bother entering the labyrinth and become a nun. Men included.

FANTASTICAL CREATURE: Vampire
PROS: The lure of a man of mystery is a strong one! WWBD? What Would Buffy Do? Well, she would date him.
CONS: But then she’d push him into the Hellmouth because he’s a freaking vampire who sucks blood for a living. There are no redeeming values.
VERDICT: Things may start of sweet, but after a bit of heavy petting, you’ll be walking the Earth forever damned, and he’ll be long gone, probably dating a Slayer who now wants to kill you.

FANTASTICAL CREATURE: Cyclops
PROS: Cyclops are the white trash of the fantastical realm. And I’m somehow turning this into a pro because sometimes you can overlook the drool and poor education because Mom and Dad would so disapprove. And that’s kinda hot.
CONS: With this guy’s poor depth perception he’ll be fucking your nose and wondering what’s wrong.
VERDICT: This ain’t no James Marsden and white trash went out of style when Circus dropped.

FANTASTICAL CREATURE: Mermaid
PROS: They’re mysterious creatures who save you from shipwrecks, guide you through fog, and sing to your heaving, soaking body on the beach.
CONS: But where the fuck are their privates?
VERDICT: They can sing all they want, but this isn’t Splash, and there aren’t two sexy legs and naughty bits waiting for you under all those scales.

So what do you say? Which one of these fantastical creatures will you be bringing home tonight?

Redecorate: This is the perfect opportunity to hook up the two rear speakers and subwoofer to the surround sound system which came with your new HDTV that your Mom worries will be too obtrusive in the den. Once she gets home, she’ll see that they’re totally out of the way though! Maybe.

Cry Openly: No need to spend Valentine’s Day locked in the bathroom! This year you can be out and proud while watching Bridget Jones’ Diary and crying into that Friendly’s Hunka Chunka Peanut Butter Roll that your Mom got you for Valentine’s Day, and suspect will be the only present you get on that dreadful day.

Hook Up in Your Parents’ Bed: Just as a cat will poop on your bed if it’s feeling neglected, nothing says “How dare you go on vacation without me!” quite like busting a nut in some ho’s ass on your parents’ bed.

Naked Wii: Come on, you can’t tell me that the thought hasn’t crossed your mind. Naked Wii would be incredible! I mean, of course you’d need to be mindful of games that may cause some unpleasant — how shall I say — flopping. But you know, start off easy with some bowling, then work your way up to tennis, and before you know it, you’ll be virtually hula hooping naked and loving every minute of it! And if you’re feeling extra spiteful that day, play that lame Lotus Focus balance game so you have an excuse to put your bare ass on the Wii balance board.

Masturbate Masturbate Masturbate: Just like that Janet Jackson song Any Time, Any Place. No need to wait for the ol’ parental units to go to bed. Now you can drop trow whenever you feel like it. And if the phone rings, you don’t even have to minimize the porn! You can just waddle on over to the phone with your pants around your ankles, make small talk, then get back to business without losing your place! And what do you know?! Delayed gratification!

What Bathroom Door? It’s our natural instinct to mark our territory by pissing on things. Yes, we may have evolved slightly and invented toilets, but pissing with the door open says to the world: “This is were I piss bitches! You’re in my house now!” It’s very empowering, even if you only do it when you know you’re home alone. Besides, if God wanted us pissing behind closed doors, he would have given us hinges instead of pubes.

WHO: Darth Maul
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: If hard and fast is your thing, then he’s your man because this guy is all about rage. Plus he has the largest lightsaber in the galaxy.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: That lightsaber could be overcompensating for other shortcomings, if you know what I mean.
VERDICT: This guy certainly isn’t going to kiss you when you’re done. Heck, he might not ever care if you, uh, finish. But if you’re looking for a one night fling, then he just might be the man for you.

WHO: Count Dooku
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: He’s old, which means he’s got plenty of experience, and his lightsaber is curved, which might come in handy to hit those hard to reach spots. Okay, enough lightsaber jokes. Maybe.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: But he’s a was a Jedi in his earlier days, so his age might be for naught. And no one’s bringing wrinkly back.
VERDICT: Let’s face it, he isn’t the kind of man you swoon over, but he’s a Count, which means he’s loaded. Anyone looking for a sugar daddy?

WHO: Darth Vader
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: He was pretty handsome once, and there’s something hot about cocky pilots who know how to use the stick between their legs. (I said no more lightsaber jokes, I said nothing about control sticks!)
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: He was only a hot Sith for a few hours before he got burnt to a crisp, so unless you happened to catch him in those two hours, the thought of bumping up with that metal suit just doesn’t scream sexy. Plus he has some serious Mommy issues.
VERDICT: He was a whiny bitch for the first 25 years of his life with zero charm or wit, and yet still managed to get in Padmé’s pants. He must be doing something right.

WHO: Asajj Ventress
WHY SHE’S GOOD IN BED: She’s another one with a lot of rage. Seeing as though she’s a woman, I’m sure it has something to do with never finding a man to love, or her uterus being barren, or whatever angry women are always prattling on about, but she can make pain hurt oh-so-good.
WHY SHE’S BAD IN BED: When she’s done beating you to a pulp, and satisfied with the amount of lickage of her boots, she’ll need you to call her pretty cause she’s still a girl, and that kinda spoils the whole bondage mood.
VERDICT: For you straight dudes and lesbos, I’m afraid Asajj might be your only choice, but if you need someone to make you their bitch, she’s your girl.

WHO: Darth Caedus
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: Formerly Jacen Solo, so he’s got the looks of a pre-Vader Anakin Skywalker, without the unfortunate cookage.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: He’s always been in competition with his twin sister Jaina, who was always way cooler than he was, which has led to some unfortunate inadequacy issues. And no one wants their mate to start talking about their sister mid-coitus.
VERDICT: Jacen always had a special connection with animals, which I think demonstrates his softer, sensitive side, which you might be looking for if you want a long term thing. But he’ll still kill you.

WHO: Emperor Palpatine
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: The hooded cloak adds a bit of mystery into the mix, and can be perfect for a little pre-coitus roleplaying. He can be little black riding hood, and you’ll be the big bad wolf. You’ll huff, you’ll puff, and you’ll blow.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: Have you seen what’s under that cloak? The millennia have not been kind to him or his ass cheeks.
VERDICT: Who doesn’t get turned on — even just a little — by authority? And who has more authority in the galaxy than this guy? And maybe if you ask nicely, he’ll send a few Sith lighting shocks through your body in just the right places.

So what do you say? Which one of these fine Sith Lords will you be bringing home tonight?

MYTH: You will be returned once the aliens are finished with you.
FACT: It’s called an alien abduction, not an alien borrowing and putting back in your warm bed when they’re done. Nowhere in the definition of abduction does it presume you will be returned safely, so chances are you will never see Earth again.

MYTH: But!
FACT: No. If you are returned to Earth, it is likely that you have been replaced by a synthetic lookalike, implanted with the memories of your former life. If you think you’ve been replaced by a synthetic lookalike, please do the human race a favor and kill yourself immediately before your hidden programming is activated and you turn into a killing machine. Besides, even if you are yourself, it means that the aliens didn’t want you, so there must be something wrong with you, therefore we don’t want you either.

MYTH: Aliens are little green men who want to anal probe you.
FACT: Aliens are large green men who want to anal probe you.

MYTH: Aliens will put you into a temporary paralysis in order to transport you to their ship.
FACT: The paralysis is self-inflicted because you don’t want to smush the shit you just took into your nice clean pajamas.

MYTH: Aliens abduct humans to run tests on them.
FACT: Yes, because you are just so fascinating, aren’t you? Wrong. Aliens did not come millions of lightyears from across the other side of the universe just to see how you poop. They’ve learned everything they needed about humans from the first ten abductees thousands of years ago. The rest they look up on Wikipedia.

MYTH: Aliens wish to breed with humans.
FACT: Seriously, you people need to get over yourselves. Aliens were not on their home planet getting interplanetary transmissions of Wife Swap thinking to themselves: “Damn, I gotta get me a piece of that!”

Song: It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year
Offending Lyric: “And caroling out in the snow, there’ll be scary ghost stories, and tales of the glories, of Christmases long, long ago!”
Why it’s Stupid: Who the heck tells scary ghost stories on Christmas? “And when they got out of the car, they saw that the bumping on the roof was really the antler of a dead reindeer hanging on the tree overhead! Ooooooooo!”

Song: Blue Christmas
Offending Lyric: “And when those blue snowflakes start falling, that’s when those blue memories start calling.”
Why it’s Stupid: Um, snowflakes aren’t blue, they’re white. They don’t even remotely reflect the blue color of the sky the way water does, so who do you think you’re kidding? You’re obviously just making that up to fit your song. Well I’m not falling for it!

Song: I’ll Be Home for Christmas
Offending Lyric: “I’ll be home for Christmas, you can count on me, please have snow, and mistletoe, and presents ‘neath the tree. I’ll be home for Christmas, but only in my dreams.”
Why it’s Stupid: Wait a second. So, you’re not actually going to be home? But you said to have snow, mistletoe, and presents waiting around the tree! And you’re not even going to show up? Who’s gonna help me shovel the snow out of the driveway, that I only requested on your behalf? And now I have to wait on those ridiculous lines to return your presents? Jackass.

Song: The Twelve Days of Christmas
Offending Lyric: All of them.
Why it’s Stupid: It’s just a terrible, terrible song, with no redeeming values whatsoever. Who wants all those lame gifts anyway?

Song: Do You Hear What I Hear?
Offending Lyric: “A star, a star, dancing in the night, with a tail as big as a kite.”
Why it’s Stupid: I suppose I can forgive the idea of a star dancing and having a tail. I guess we are to presume that it’s a shooting star, which would be kinda hard to follow if you were one of the Three Kings, but whatever. I just can’t forgive the awkward use of the word “kite” which is obviously only there to have a word that rhymes with “night”. A tail as big as a kite? Aren’t tails long? And aren’t there better examples of things with tails?

Song: Run Rudolph Run
Offending Lyric: “Out of all the reindeer you know you’re the mastermind. Run, run Rudolph, Randalph’s not too far behind.”
Why it’s Stupid: Reindeer don’t run. They fly. Get it straight. And who the fuck is Randalph?

Song: A Marshmallow World
Offending Lyric: “Those are marshmallow clouds being friendly, in the arms of the evergreen trees, and the sun is red like a pumpkin head, it’s shining so your nose won’t freeze.”
Why it’s Stupid: Another blatant attempt to change facts in order to get their lyrics to rhyme. This one is even a double-whammy! We are not from Krypton. The sun is not red, and neither are pumpkins, you stupid moron.

Are there any you’d like to add to the list?