Puntabulous

So there is this traffic light in our town. It is at the intersection of a relatively major road, and a tiny minuscule side street and tiny industrial park. I suspect that many moons ago either the residents of the minuscule side street, or the employees who worked in the tiny industrial park complained to the town and got a traffic light put in to make their lives easier. The traffic light was never really that bad though. A minor nuisance more than anything. Plus, it had pretty good sensors, so it would only turn red for the major road when someone pulled up to the light from the minuscule side street or tiny industrial park, and even when it turned red, it was only long enough to let the other car out. So like I said, minor nuisance, nothing more.

Then about a month ago, they added two more additional traffic lights, literally hundreds of feet down the road from the original nuisance. For more than 28 years there were not lights there, and no accidents at these intersections that I can remember, but people must have been fed up with — GASP! — waiting at the intersection, so they complained to the town and got traffic lights installed. Yay, government works for you! But not only that, the controls of the original nuisance has been changed, and now it turns red for the main road for no reason whatsoever! At 5:15AM when I’m driving to work along that road, the light at the intersection of the minuscule side street and tiny industrial park turns red even when there is no car pulling up. And it’s red for a solid 15 seconds, which is a long time when you have a train to catch!

I can forgive the two additional traffic lights. I’m a real Mother Teresa in that regard. But I cannot forgive waiting at a red light at 5:15AM at an intersection that hardly anyone ever uses! Especially when that intersection worked fine for years prior to that! I was so fed up, that I did something I’ve never done before. I emailed the town. That would surely get their attention, am I right?! So I went to the town’s website and sent the following query:

What happened to the traffic light on Connetquot Ave and Westbury Street in Islip Terrace? It used to only turn red when cars came down Westbury and wanted to turn onto Connetquot. Now it turns red for no reason, even during early hours when both streets are deserted. Why the change?

A few minutes after I sent that I got a response:

Thank you for expressing your concern. I have forwarded your message to the Department of Public Works, which is responsible for all road and traffic matters in the Town of Islip. If you’d like to call them, the number is 224-5600.

Wow! My query was going somewhere! Who says the government can’t get anything done? Then the next day I got this:

According to the town Department of Public Works, Manhattan Blvd. (from Spur Dr. N to Connetquot Ave.) is on the 2010 repaving schedule.

Um, what? Just so you can see how utterly useless this information is in relation to my query, I present the following map:

Yeah, so since they’re repaving Manhattan Blvd at some point this year, the controls of the traffic light a mile away needed to be changed in order to give imaginary cars the right-of-way? I’m not really following. Or is it that some extremely well trained government employee looked at my email blankly for a while, then unsure of what else they could possibly do, typed “Connetequot” into some handy dandy database and got the repaving information and was like “Eureka! This must be what they’re looking for!” and passed it along to me. Well as the title of this post says, thanks for nothing, you stupid jerk.

Okay, so I saw this post over at Jezebel that will surely make some people around here’s heads spin, and I’ll just leave it at that because I don’t want to incur the wrath of certain somebodies. But I’d like to discuss a different song. Does the song According to You by Orianthi bother anyone else as much as it bothers me? The lyrics go:

According to you I’m stupid, I’m useless,
I can’t do anything right.
According to you I’m difficult, hard to please,
Forever changing my mind.

And then:

But according to him I’m beautiful, incredible,
He can’t get me out of his head.
According to him I’m funny, irresistible,
Everything he ever wanted.

Um, how about according to you? What do you think of yourself? Why is this whole song based on what other people think of her? Don’t get me wrong, the song is totally catchy, and I generally leave it on if it comes on the radio, but I think it wrongly gives the impression that it’s a strong girl power song (given the tough rocker chick way it’s sung) when it’s pretty much exactly the opposite. Okay fine, later on she does sing:

According to me you’re stupid, you’re useless,
You can’t do anything right.

Um, okay, but you’re still not letting us know that you think you’re awesome too. And if she thinks this person is so stupid and useless, why was she dating him in the first place? That just doesn’t make sense! And frankly, pop songs need to make perfect sense like they did in the good old days of Slave 4 U. Now I know not every song has to be super girl power to the extreme (given my adoration of Slave 4 U, you should already know that) and this is the only song I know from Orianthi, so I’m not placing judgment on her, just the song. I think it just bothers me that the song is trying to come across as one thing, but the lyrics are saying another. ZOMG did I just write a music post?

I wasn’t going to post anything today but seeing these pictures gave me a sense of urgency not seen since Lord of the Rings nerds tried to explain why the eagles don’t just fly the ring to Mount Doom themselves. Pictures from the set of MacGruber!

I mean, do we live in some sort of bizarro world where MacGruber skits are funny? Has SNL become so bad that the worst skits somehow circle the spectrum from bad back into good again? It’s the only thing that could explain the existence of this movie and the fact that Gilly (Kristen Wiig’s worst character by far) hosted the SNL Christmas special. And really, Ryan Phillippe? Really?

Dear Zach Galifianakis’s Beard,

I hate you. I loathe you with every fiber of my being. I despise you more than what is reasonable for a sane person to despise a semi-inanimate object attached to someone’s face. But let’s face it, you are ridiculous. Remember when Peter Griffin grew a beard on Family Guy? And everyone laughed because it was so ridiculous? And then three little birds hatched inside it, and there was that Boba Fett gag? Yeah, that was really funny. But mostly because beards of your size and nature are ridiculous. Like mullets and combovers, you are an unfortunate hairthing that is the butt of many jokes.

That was the stick. Now onto the carrot.

You may be thinking “Why is this crazy person writing to me and not to Zach Galifianakis himself? I’m just a beard, what can I do?” Well I’ll tell you why, Zach Galifianakis’s beard. Because obviously Zach Galifianakis doesn’t have the sense to get rid of you himself. I wish to appeal to your sense of decency, fair beard. I know you are large, and proud, and by all means, you have every right to be so. You are the Lou Ferrigno of beards! That is why you must let him go. No longer can you be tethered to a face of a mere mortal. No longer can you get food and drink spilled on you because I’m positive there is no way Zach Galifianakis is able to eat and drink without getting you dirty. You don’t deserve that! Pull yourself free from thine restraints and run free where you belong!

“But where will I go?” you may be asking yourself. That’s the beauty of it! It’s up to you! Perhaps community service? I’m sure there are loads of Amish who — like me — are unable to grow beards of their own. What shame they must feel! You could help them! Or perhaps just living the American dream is more your style? A decent living can surely be made as a brillo pad. And if you’re worried about being out on your own, fear not, I hear there is a nice Buffalo farm in South Dakota that would be happy to take you in.

After writing this letter, I must say, I don’t hate you. I admire you. Frankly, I am thankful to live in a world where beards like you are free to exist. But enough is enough. I can no longer accept that every single one of Zach Galifianakis’s roles requires him to have such a ridiculous beard.

You deserve better.

Sincerely,
Craig

On my previous post about Pop Culture Pet Peeves, I totally forgot about one of my biggest ones. It’s when pizza is already pre-sliced more than any other pizza has been pre-sliced ever in the history of pizza. Someone comes home and is all “I got pizza!” and everyone grabs a slice willy nilly with no regard to cutting it. Yes, I know it saves time for storytelling, but pizza doesn’t work that way! Besides, pizza that comes apart like that without needing to be cut isn’t worth eating anyway! Extra hate points if the pizza is proclaimed to be New York style. I’m looking at you Iron Man!

I don’t know if you can tell from reading my blog, but I like watching television and movies. A lot. I know, shocking. Pick your chin up off the floor. But there are things that I see a lot of in my viewing experience that thoroughly bug the heck out of me.

1. When people dressed up as creatures wear gloves that make their fingers longer than they really are. They always make the fingers longer, but there’s no way to change the way in which they bend so the first two knuckles are the same, and then the tip is twice as long as it should be. The creatures will undoubtedly wriggle their fingers menacingly (as if wriggling fingers is all that menacing to begin with) and it just looks ridiculous because the knuckle length proportions are totally out of whack. And don’t even get me started if they need to grab or hold onto something. Just plain ridiculous.

2. Empty to-go coffee cups. You’re not fooling anyone! We can tell they’re empty! These people are practically juggling three cups without any threat of scalding and yet I can hardly hold onto one for longer than 10 seconds at a time.

3. Where have New Years Eve television episodes gone? And no, the lame three holidays in one episode of Grey’s Anatomy doesn’t count. Since TV execs feel the need to take a winter break and we no longer get very many new episodes of our favorite shows in December and January, the New Years Eve episode has gone extinct. The holiday used to lend itself to such interesting drama (resolutions! who to kiss!) but I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen one since Monica and Chandler had to figure out a way to kiss so no one would know they were dating. Could you even imagine the awesomeness of a Gossip Girl New Year’s Eve episode? I want New Years Eve episodes back!

4. When people get hung up on with their cell phones and there’s a dial tone. Cell phones don’t have dial tones jackass! And while we’re talking about cell phones, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a text message on a television show that has looked remotely close to text messages I’ve seen in real life.

5. Previews on my DVDs. I can understand previews on rentals, and maybe even the cheaper single disc editions of movies, but if I’m dropping money on the super duper two disc deluxe special edition or a season of television, there better not be a damn preview or even worse an anti-piracy advertisement on there! Hello! I bought the DVD! I’m not a pirate.

6. And this one comes courtesy of Mom. She says it drives her nuts when people on television and movies get parking spots right in front of the buildings they need to get into. I haven’t really noticed it before, but now I’m sure it’ll drive me crazy now.

What are some of your pet peeves in television and movies?

Let’s say you have something that needs to be signed by all departments at work. Just a standard form that is routed around the office for signature. I hate when you have those people that are like “I need to be last.” It is declared like a proclamation from the mountaintops. “I am the most important person here!” Um, really? I don’t think so. You will be in whatever position I put you in and you will like it. You can’t even bring it to them and say “Oh, Person A is busy, I figured I’d get your’s in the meantime.” No, because they need to see Person A’s before they write their own.

People don’t do this because they’re higher up on the organization chart. By all means, the head of the company should be last. I completely agree with that. But some people think they should be last (or near the end) because their department function is more important than others, and therefore us peons need to sign before they will even think of signing because they are way too busy and important to deal with such things until everyone else is certain that it should be signed. We can be the same level in the corporate chain, but they think they have more authority because of what they do and it drives me crazy. And the thing is, you can’t force a person to sign. They withhold their signature as a show of power.

But I also think they do this out of fear and lack of confidence in their own job. If they insist on signing last they can see a list of ten other signatures and be pretty assured that those ten other people checked everything out and that it all seems to be in proper order. They’re so unsure of themselves that seeing the other signatures gives them a sense of security. It’s like they’re worried about signing too early for fear that someone will see their signature and be like “Oh holy fuck! This is so wrong! Why did you sign it when you shouldn’t have?!” Meanwhile, the only people that go crazy like that are usually the same people that do douchey things like withholding their signature, so they should have nothing to worry about.

I think someone keeps sneezing in my whoppers. Okay first off, I don’t eat them very often, so get off your healthy high horse. I had one on Sunday and I think the last one I had before that was at least six months ago. Moderation! Anyway, the last two times I had them I’ve gotten sick. Not food poisoning sick, but stuffed up, sore throat, feverish sick. I didn’t remember getting sick the last time until I woke up Monday feeling like hell, otherwise I would have thought twice about having one on Sunday (though admittedly, I’d probably still have had it). But there we go. I feel like crap.

1. Pour candy out of an M&M’s bag into somebody else’s hand. It’s just so awkward. How much do you pour in? If you don’t pour enough, it’s insulting and you seem cheap with your candy. If you pour too much, you each go “Whoa!” but then you never get the excess candy back. It’s a lose-lose situation.

2. Tell people the time. No, I’m not trying to keep the time from you, but reading an analog clock on the spot always freaks me out, and I always stumble as if I’ve never read a clock face before. And exactly how precise do I need to be? Will a quarter-to suffice if it’s really twenty-to?

3. Talk on the phone. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you. I will text message you till the cows come home (where did those damn cows go anyway?) but talking on the phone limits my ability to multi-task. I’m not even that crazy about instant messaging anymore. I can’t even tell you the last time I was on AIM (best screenname ever: YodaLeiaHeeHoo). The instant gratification of chatting is not something I’m willing to provide, especially when there is so much good television to be watched.

4. Laugh at your stupid jokes. If I hear “Looks like we got on the local.” on the elevator one more time, I’m going to blow my your brains out. Especially if you’re on the floor above me and you say this as you stop on my floor to pick me up on the way down. I’m terribly sorry to inconvenience you, your highness! And seriously, we’ve all heard it a million times. Be original!

5. Wait in line behind kids to get my haircut. I spend $12 on my haircut at a local unisex barber and it take about 10 minutes to do me (LOL: do me) but when I walk in and there is a mom there with her 17 children, I go insane. Sorry Mommy Bloggers! But seriously, waiting behind your kids drives me crazy. They take just as long as adults, if not longer, and they always travel in packs.

So a new weekend tradition in our house is to play the Saturday night lotto, and then check our tickets as we read the paper and drink our morning coffee on Sunday. As we open up the paper we faux-excitedly proclaim that perhaps we won’t have to go to work the next day. We know the odds are ridiculous, but it’s fun and keeps us entertained. Well this week with Easter we forgot to check the winning numbers, so it wasn’t until last night that I had a chance to check the tickets, and wouldn’t you know it, I got three numbers! THREE NUMBERS! It’s a six number drawing, so I was certain that my three numbers would get me something, so I rushed to the computer to check the payout values. Turns out the jackpot was $33 Million and there was no winner. What do I get for my three numbers, you ask? One dollar. That’s right folks, one lousy dollar. For three numbers! The payout for four numbers? Twenty-Nine dollars. Could you imagine my disappointment if I got four numbers? Five numbers? $2,000. Seriously. If I got five numbers I probably would have called up my job and quit before I even checked the payout values. Isn’t that ridiculous? Don’t these jackpots just carry over to the next drawing if nobody wins? Why not spread the $33 Million throughout all the minor winners? Wouldn’t that be an awesome economic stimulus? Why let it build up to $700 Million just to have some 98 year old man win, who ends up dying the next day (ironic, don’t ya think?). Clearly I’m just being a sore loser. Or a sore semi-winner with a lousy dollar.