Peeves

Dear Zach Galifianakis’s Beard,

I hate you. I loathe you with every fiber of my being. I despise you more than what is reasonable for a sane person to despise a semi-inanimate object attached to someone’s face. But let’s face it, you are ridiculous. Remember when Peter Griffin grew a beard on Family Guy? And everyone laughed because it was so ridiculous? And then three little birds hatched inside it, and there was that Boba Fett gag? Yeah, that was really funny. But mostly because beards of your size and nature are ridiculous. Like mullets and combovers, you are an unfortunate hairthing that is the butt of many jokes.

That was the stick. Now onto the carrot.

You may be thinking “Why is this crazy person writing to me and not to Zach Galifianakis himself? I’m just a beard, what can I do?” Well I’ll tell you why, Zach Galifianakis’s beard. Because obviously Zach Galifianakis doesn’t have the sense to get rid of you himself. I wish to appeal to your sense of decency, fair beard. I know you are large, and proud, and by all means, you have every right to be so. You are the Lou Ferrigno of beards! That is why you must let him go. No longer can you be tethered to a face of a mere mortal. No longer can you get food and drink spilled on you because I’m positive there is no way Zach Galifianakis is able to eat and drink without getting you dirty. You don’t deserve that! Pull yourself free from thine restraints and run free where you belong!

“But where will I go?” you may be asking yourself. That’s the beauty of it! It’s up to you! Perhaps community service? I’m sure there are loads of Amish who — like me — are unable to grow beards of their own. What shame they must feel! You could help them! Or perhaps just living the American dream is more your style? A decent living can surely be made as a brillo pad. And if you’re worried about being out on your own, fear not, I hear there is a nice Buffalo farm in South Dakota that would be happy to take you in.

After writing this letter, I must say, I don’t hate you. I admire you. Frankly, I am thankful to live in a world where beards like you are free to exist. But enough is enough. I can no longer accept that every single one of Zach Galifianakis’s roles requires him to have such a ridiculous beard.

You deserve better.

Sincerely,
Craig

On my previous post about Pop Culture Pet Peeves, I totally forgot about one of my biggest ones. It’s when pizza is already pre-sliced more than any other pizza has been pre-sliced ever in the history of pizza. Someone comes home and is all “I got pizza!” and everyone grabs a slice willy nilly with no regard to cutting it. Yes, I know it saves time for storytelling, but pizza doesn’t work that way! Besides, pizza that comes apart like that without needing to be cut isn’t worth eating anyway! Extra hate points if the pizza is proclaimed to be New York style. I’m looking at you Iron Man!

I don’t know if you can tell from reading my blog, but I like watching television and movies. A lot. I know, shocking. Pick your chin up off the floor. But there are things that I see a lot of in my viewing experience that thoroughly bug the heck out of me.

1. When people dressed up as creatures wear gloves that make their fingers longer than they really are. They always make the fingers longer, but there’s no way to change the way in which they bend so the first two knuckles are the same, and then the tip is twice as long as it should be. The creatures will undoubtedly wriggle their fingers menacingly (as if wriggling fingers is all that menacing to begin with) and it just looks ridiculous because the knuckle length proportions are totally out of whack. And don’t even get me started if they need to grab or hold onto something. Just plain ridiculous.

2. Empty to-go coffee cups. You’re not fooling anyone! We can tell they’re empty! These people are practically juggling three cups without any threat of scalding and yet I can hardly hold onto one for longer than 10 seconds at a time.

3. Where have New Years Eve television episodes gone? And no, the lame three holidays in one episode of Grey’s Anatomy doesn’t count. Since TV execs feel the need to take a winter break and we no longer get very many new episodes of our favorite shows in December and January, the New Years Eve episode has gone extinct. The holiday used to lend itself to such interesting drama (resolutions! who to kiss!) but I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen one since Monica and Chandler had to figure out a way to kiss so no one would know they were dating. Could you even imagine the awesomeness of a Gossip Girl New Year’s Eve episode? I want New Years Eve episodes back!

4. When people get hung up on with their cell phones and there’s a dial tone. Cell phones don’t have dial tones jackass! And while we’re talking about cell phones, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a text message on a television show that has looked remotely close to text messages I’ve seen in real life.

5. Previews on my DVDs. I can understand previews on rentals, and maybe even the cheaper single disc editions of movies, but if I’m dropping money on the super duper two disc deluxe special edition or a season of television, there better not be a damn preview or even worse an anti-piracy advertisement on there! Hello! I bought the DVD! I’m not a pirate.

6. And this one comes courtesy of Mom. She says it drives her nuts when people on television and movies get parking spots right in front of the buildings they need to get into. I haven’t really noticed it before, but now I’m sure it’ll drive me crazy now.

What are some of your pet peeves in television and movies?

Let’s say you have something that needs to be signed by all departments at work. Just a standard form that is routed around the office for signature. I hate when you have those people that are like “I need to be last.” It is declared like a proclamation from the mountaintops. “I am the most important person here!” Um, really? I don’t think so. You will be in whatever position I put you in and you will like it. You can’t even bring it to them and say “Oh, Person A is busy, I figured I’d get your’s in the meantime.” No, because they need to see Person A’s before they write their own.

People don’t do this because they’re higher up on the organization chart. By all means, the head of the company should be last. I completely agree with that. But some people think they should be last (or near the end) because their department function is more important than others, and therefore us peons need to sign before they will even think of signing because they are way too busy and important to deal with such things until everyone else is certain that it should be signed. We can be the same level in the corporate chain, but they think they have more authority because of what they do and it drives me crazy. And the thing is, you can’t force a person to sign. They withhold their signature as a show of power.

But I also think they do this out of fear and lack of confidence in their own job. If they insist on signing last they can see a list of ten other signatures and be pretty assured that those ten other people checked everything out and that it all seems to be in proper order. They’re so unsure of themselves that seeing the other signatures gives them a sense of security. It’s like they’re worried about signing too early for fear that someone will see their signature and be like “Oh holy fuck! This is so wrong! Why did you sign it when you shouldn’t have?!” Meanwhile, the only people that go crazy like that are usually the same people that do douchey things like withholding their signature, so they should have nothing to worry about.

I think someone keeps sneezing in my whoppers. Okay first off, I don’t eat them very often, so get off your healthy high horse. I had one on Sunday and I think the last one I had before that was at least six months ago. Moderation! Anyway, the last two times I had them I’ve gotten sick. Not food poisoning sick, but stuffed up, sore throat, feverish sick. I didn’t remember getting sick the last time until I woke up Monday feeling like hell, otherwise I would have thought twice about having one on Sunday (though admittedly, I’d probably still have had it). But there we go. I feel like crap.

So a new weekend tradition in our house is to play the Saturday night lotto, and then check our tickets as we read the paper and drink our morning coffee on Sunday. As we open up the paper we faux-excitedly proclaim that perhaps we won’t have to go to work the next day. We know the odds are ridiculous, but it’s fun and keeps us entertained. Well this week with Easter we forgot to check the winning numbers, so it wasn’t until last night that I had a chance to check the tickets, and wouldn’t you know it, I got three numbers! THREE NUMBERS! It’s a six number drawing, so I was certain that my three numbers would get me something, so I rushed to the computer to check the payout values. Turns out the jackpot was $33 Million and there was no winner. What do I get for my three numbers, you ask? One dollar. That’s right folks, one lousy dollar. For three numbers! The payout for four numbers? Twenty-Nine dollars. Could you imagine my disappointment if I got four numbers? Five numbers? $2,000. Seriously. If I got five numbers I probably would have called up my job and quit before I even checked the payout values. Isn’t that ridiculous? Don’t these jackpots just carry over to the next drawing if nobody wins? Why not spread the $33 Million throughout all the minor winners? Wouldn’t that be an awesome economic stimulus? Why let it build up to $700 Million just to have some 98 year old man win, who ends up dying the next day (ironic, don’t ya think?). Clearly I’m just being a sore loser. Or a sore semi-winner with a lousy dollar.

Why — oh why — must I always apologize when someone does something to me? They bump into me. They step on the back of my foot. They crowd the elevator trying to get in, while I’m trying to get out. And yet I find myself apologizing! What’s up with that? I think it’s just my way of acknowledging the incident, without being rude, or making them feel bad. But why must I apologize? How about I just say “It’s okay.” or “Don’t worry about it.” regardless of whether they say anything or not.

But it doesn’t end there.

Sometimes I find myself going out of my way in order not to be a nuisance to people who wouldn’t show me the same courtesy. For example:

I was at Best Buy with my Dad. It was right after Christmas so the line was enormous. We got about halfway to the register when he remembered that he wanted to show me the Samsung television he was looking at, which apparently got the best score in Consumer Reports. He told me where it was, but I didn’t want to leave the line to look at it. I worried that people would get annoyed at the sight of me getting back on line if they didn’t know the situation. So I didn’t do it, feeling bad that I made it seem that I didn’t share my Dad’s interest in the TV, but I didn’t think it would be worth the hassle of potentially annoying fellow line waiters.

So when we get to the front of the line, we’re paying separately so my Dad gets called to a register before me. The register is very close, and I overhear him being asked for his Best Buy card, but he doesn’t have one. I do though, and I step off the line saying “You can use mine.” Just then the next customer on line is called and the guy after me takes it right out from under me! I know it’s a misunderstanding, but it’s thoughtless on his part and it just irks me that it happened, especially after I didn’t go look at the TV because I worried about what other people would think.

But I can’t start being a jerk just because so many other people around me are jerks. It’s just not the type of person I am. I’m the kind of guy who’s parents don’t call him on the train because they know how much he doesn’t like talking on the train and bothering other people. The kind of guy who cleans every flake of snow off his car, just to drive behind the person who only wiped what was necessary to see out the back window while the rest of the snow flies at me so I can’t see.

I don’t really know what the point of this post is. To tell you how awesome I am, perhaps? But you already knew that. So I guess I’ll ask what pet peeves drive you crazy and the lengths you go through to avoid doing these peevish things yourself, while others continue to not show you the same courtesy.