Puntabulous

I think everyone is in agreement that Battlestar Galactica is kicking ass this season, right? I made a few more Battlestar Galactica LOL Cats. Check out the old ones in case you missed them.

Battlestar Galactica LOL Cats
Battlestar Galactica LOL Cats Three For All

1. Deal or No Deal Model Theater - Heroes

They also did The Office and Bionic Woman. The model playing Dwight in The Office parody only has one line, but she is genius.

2. I watched the four New Caprica episodes from Season 3 of Battlestar Galactica last weekend. I love those episodes so so so much. The Exodus episodes are movie-level awesomeness. Remember when the Galactica jumped to the planet’s surface and released all the Vipers and then jumped back out? And remember when the Pegasus came flying in to save the day? Incredible! Oh, and Adama called Apollo a “fatass”, which is pretty awesome too.

3. I’m going to Pennsylvania this weekend for my godson’s christening, which reminds me, I should do a post about my three godchildren. They are all wonderfully fantastic individuals. You will love them.

4. Who else is watching Survivor? Last night’s episode was all sorts of awesome. Jason: I love you, but sometimes I wish you were either smarter, or quieter. Erik: Cut your hair. I can’t decide who’s hair I hate more: Your’s or Jason Catro’s from American Idol? Ozzy: You suck. Eliza: You’re crazy, but I kinda love you and I think if I were on Survivor I would be exactly like you.

5. I think today’s Dilbert was written just for me:

Battlestar Galactica is on tonight! In celebration I made some Battlestar Galactica LOL Cats. They’re kinda like “I guess you had to be there” jokes, so if you don’t watch Battlestar Galactica just enjoy the pretty kitty pics, like some crazy cat lady. Enjoy!

Battlestar Galactica LOL Cats Redux
Battlestar Galactica LOL Cats Three For All

Growing up I wanted to be any number of different things. I idolized various people by the minute. I longed to be someone cooler than myself, someone who demanded respect simply by existing. So now I present you with a handy guide to my various childhood idols:

WHO: Batman from the 1960’s Batman series.
WHY: Batman was, and continues to be, my favorite comic book hero ever. To be Batman just seemed so attainable. I mean, it’s not like he came from a different planet, or got covered in radioactive goop to gain super powers like those other loser comic book heroes. I think what also helped in making it seem so attainable was the cheese factor of the 1960’s Batman show (when is that coming out on DVD?). I mean, I’m sure I could get my hand on some spandex. And the fights never looked all that dangerous. Just throw a couple of punches and let the cartoon onomatopoeias do all the work. And I completely envied the whole hidden door to the Batcave business. To this day I still want to incorporate a secret passageway into my house. But nowadays if you have a secret passageway in your house everyone thinks you’re a pedophile. Damn pedophiles. They ruin everything.

WHO: Stuntman started with 1989’s Batman.
WHY: Okay, so being Batman was all fine and good until 1989, when Tim Burton’s Batman came out and it finally dawned on me that being Batman could actually be kinda dangerous. So I couldn’t be a real-life Batman anymore. However! I could be a stuntman in Batman movies. Genius! That way I could be Batman without actually having to be Batman! And if I was a stuntman, I could be any number of awesome people in all different types of movies! This is where I take a moment to let you stop laughing at the idea of my scrawny ass being a stuntman. Okay, better? At the time I didn’t realize all the hard work and god-forbid working out required to be a stuntman. I guess I just assumed you got to run around in cool costumes all day. Could you imagine me being Batman’s stunt double these days? Christopher Nolan would be like: “Where’s the stunt double?” and Christian Bale would be like: “I don’t know. Last I saw, he was running around throwing fake kicks and punches at everyone.” And then they’d both just shake their heads.

WHO: Uncle Jesse from Full House
WHY: Alright. First off: shut up. Secondly: what’s not to idolize?! He had it all! Good looks, great hair (after Stephanie cut off the mullet), a hot wife, cute kids, and he was friends with the Beach Boys! (Which was kind of a big deal back then, don’t ask, it was the early 90’s.) And at this point of my childhood, I may have been confusing being Uncle Jesse, with being with Uncle Jesse. Plus he was in an awesome band called Jesse and the Rippers, and made cool music videos that made this little boy child swoon with love and adoration. Oh, and their bed in the attic folded up into the wall, which I just thought was the coolest. thing. ever. What practical purpose it served I’m not sure, but it was darn cool.

WHO: Gizmoduck from DuckTales
WHY: Okay, so maybe DuckTales jumped the shark with the introduction of Gizmoduck, but that didn’t stop this nerdy, Transformers-loving boy from idolizing him with every fiber of his being. I mean, you could just be an average person and all you had to do was yell out “Blathering Blatherskyte!” and all these robot parts would join to you and you’d become this super cool crime-fighting robot. Sometimes I would cut the other end off of empty soup and vegetable cans my Mom was throwing away, put three of them on each arm and run around my backyard pretending to be Gizmoduck praying for the day when telekinetic voice-commanded robotics came into existence. Yeah, I was a weird kid.

WHO: Dr. Alan Grant from Jurassic Park
WHY: As you may or may not know, all my life I wanted to be a paleontologist. I even got my bachelors degree in Geology with a concentration in Biology so I could move on and become a super famous paleontologist and discover the first infant Tyrannosaurus Rex skeleton. As you can see I’m now a super famous paleontologist who discovered the first infant Tyrannosaurus Rex skeleton those plans fell through. Jurassic Park came out when I was 12 years old, which is a prime time in boyhood when dinosaurs are even cooler than transforming robots. And not only was Dr. Grant a leader in the field of paleontology, he was so respected that he was invited to be one of the first visitors to a park full of dinosaurs. It was this moment that I set my future in stone. I was going to be a paleontologist. After all, I needed to become the leader in the field of paleontology that way I would get invited to be one of the first visitors to a park full of dinosaurs.

WHO: J.R.R. Tolkien author of The Lord of the Rings.
WHY: My junior year of college is when I really got involved with reading and writing. Before then, I was never much of a reader. In fact, I loathed it. Our school system trained me to think that reading was a chore, or at least that’s the excuse I use. But with the discovery of Harry Potter (I only started reading the series when the first movie came out) I would never be seen without a book again. But it’s not J.K. Rowling who is my current idol, it’s J.R.R. Tolkien. Granted my writing is geared towards children, I love the idea of creating my own world, which I think it much more evident in Tolkien’s writing than in Rowling’s. Along with the main series I’m working on, it’s a dream of mine to write a fictional history book detailing the span of a world from beginning to end. Baby steps, Craig. Baby steps.

The fourth and (sadly) final season of Battlestar Galactica starts tonight! I am so excited! Michelle is having a viewing party at her place. I may very well wear my “Frakkin Toasters” t-shirt. To celebrate the return of the best show ever, below are some of my favorite scenes from the series, which I think everyone can enjoy, not just hardcore fans such as myself.

Starbuck and Leoben spread the love:

President Roslin takes care of business (without the aid of an airlock!):

Helo takes on Cylon Skinjobs on the original Caprica:

The Battlestar Pegasus takes on Hundreds of Cylon Raiders:

Starbuck escapes from the Cylon Farm:

Okay fine, you caught on! They’re not really scenes from Battlestar Galactica (except the first one, which is my favorite scene ever). But here’s one more anyway:

Kat flies through radiation and saves the day:

You are SO welcome for that last one.

Here is the top ten list from this Wednesday’s David Letterman. It’s the top ten reasons to watch Battlestar Galactica, presented by the cast of Battlestar Galactica:

Everyone remembers my cousin Michelle right? She’s the one that kicked my butt in the “Which is the best Muppet?” debate. Well I asked her to do a guest post for me, and she was kind enough to oblige! Enjoy!

After enjoying Cloverfield so much, it got me thinking about other great monster movies. There are plenty more but I’ll confine myself to the ones that most easily come to mind. If I were to give awards it would go something like this. By the way, Cloverfield would probably get most dizzying yet effective.

#1) Scariest ‘monster’ movie: Jaws
Not really much to say since the movie speaks so well for itself. It still holds up after all these years even though they didn’t have the technical FX that we have today. This was one that scared me to the bone and thrilled me to no end. I was definitely afraid of that shark and loved the characters so much that I still cheer at the end, despite being such an animal lover.

#2) Coolest monster that I didn’t want to die: The Host
Okay, so it’s also the ugliest monster if you look close enough at it, but I still love it. In the opening scene it comes barreling down the pier, and gives you a look at the entire monster right away, breaking every tradition of hiding the monster. I’d say this movie is the antithesis of Jaws. Both because it was at its best when it showed the monster and because I did NOT want the monster to die. So what if it ate all those people and terrorized children? We made it after all and it just wanted to survive. My only problem with this movie therefore is the end. Like King Kong, I turn off the DVD for the last 10 minutes.

#3) Movie from my childhood: Godzilla vs. Mothra
Every Sunday morning while I was growing up they would show a Godzilla movie at noon. There were only so many of them so even though there was no such thing as video, I saw it a gajillion times. Of course the FX are extremely outdated now but I still have a soft spot for this one. The horrendous dubbing didn’t even bother me at the time, considering that Sesame Street and The Muppets were my other TV mainstay. Godzilla was a monster that was (most of the time) okay to cheer for, he was in fact the good guy saving Japan from many other monsters. No worry here about Godzilla dying, he will in fact be back to save the day again. Runner up: Godzilla vs. The Smog Monster.

#4) Movie that should have been lame but was actually good: Primeval
What you say? A movie about a giant crocodile is actually good? Yup. Unlike Lake Placid (which I also enjoyed) this movie takes itself and it’s croc seriously, with surprisingly good effect. There are many obvious tributes to Jaws throughout which are very scary, though the barrels have been replaced by a GPS locater. Dominic Purcell proves that he can actually act outside of Prison Break. Orlando Jones is great as the sidekick. The movie also has a second bad guy, a human called little Gustave who is responsible for more carnage than even big Gustave. And without being preachy, Primeval does manage to pose the question who is really worse, the human monster or the crocodile? I found myself terrified of the crocodile and at the same time rooted for him, especially at the end.

#5) Best TV series that was supposed to be a movie: Surface
Without any question, this is far and away the best made for TV monster movie of all time, containing a scene which made me jump and scream so much I had to rewind it and watch it over and over. This time the tributes are to both Jaws and ET, since the creators are both Spielberg fans. It has a cute baby creature that I absolutely fell in love with, and the large (let’s just say a bigger boat won’t help here!) scary adult creatures. The mystery surrounding the creatures is extremely intriguing. I’m still angry that the show was canceled. However, the makers knew ahead of time that the show was going to be canceled so they were able to come to some kind of creepy resolution.

#6 & #7) Most cute, adorable and deadly: TIE: Night of the Lepus and Black Sheep
The people that thought up these movies are seriously twisted and I adore them for it. Black Sheep although extremely bloody is definitely meant to be funny. It lets us see a world where the overwhelming flocks of sheep that New Zealand is known for, turn on the caretaker humans (a la The Birds). These sheep are MAAAAD! It contains many laugh out loud moments including: Our heroes make their way in the dark, hear a BAAAAA! and scream as if they’ve seen the shark from Jaws; A sheep attacking the driver of the truck in a fight that rivals Indy’s in Raiders of the Lost Ark. The only thing that I didn’t like was the were-sheep storyline. I prefer my sheep pure.

Night of the Lepus (’72) on the other hand was made in the ’50’s tradition where radiation induced giant creatures (think Them!) ruled and was meant to be serious. The trailer and poster for the movie tried to keep the monsters a secret but the fact that they are cute and furry giant killer bunny rabbits is what makes this movie such a bizarre delight. The blood and fur don’t fly quite as much as in Black Sheep but those bunnies do have a nasty bite. It’s a B-movie by all means yet the scene of the giant bunnies coming over the hill to destroy the town is something wonderful to behold.

#8) Best Game of Hide and Seek with a Monster: Alien and Aliens
Aliens - they’re here, they’re there, they’re everywhere! Most memorably and disgustingly ‘hiding’ inside John Hurt’s chest, the Aliens are the best at Hide and Seek. The first one is often compared to a haunted house in space because you really don’t want to know what’s around the corner. You would think something that big and ugly would be impossible to hide but nooooo! They were just as sneaky in the sequel, secreting themselves in the hive like caves. And remember those nimble little face-huggers tormenting Ripley and Newt when they were trapped? But the real prize goes the Queen Alien who was able to hide on the escaping ship for a last game of hide and seek with Newt before one of the greatest fights (Womano et Alieno) in movie history.

#9) The “What the Hell is it?” award goes to the smoke monster in Lost.
Okay, so Lost isn’t really a monster TV show like Surface but it does contain what has to be one of the most original and perplexing monsters ever. First, it made itself known with a loud roar and crashing trees. It also killed the pilot by violently throwing him into tree trunks. To add to the mysterious nature, we also learn that it can project flashes of a person’s life to them. When Locke first encounters it, he says that he’s looked into the heart of the island and that it’s “beautiful”. The next time however, it not only scares him, it tries to drag him into a hole. When we finally get a look at it, it turns out to be long moving column of black smoke, which begs the question how can smoke physically drag a person and pummel them to death? It makes loud clinking chain like noises. Russo said that it was the Island’s security system (Ceberbus or Cynothoglys?). And now that we’ve learned that (possibly) time on the Island passes at different speed than the real world (think Star Trek: “Wink of an Eye”), maybe smokey exists in yet another speed? Whew. Apologies if you have no idea what I’m talking about. I love this show and will be so sorry when it ends.

#10) Monster so real it made me cry: T-Rex in Jurassic Park
Mom likes to tell people that I could name all the dinosaurs when I was only two. Needless to say I was super excited to see Jurassic Park, and although I enjoyed the beginning, I have to say I was disappointed at our first glimpses. The baby Velociraptor and Triceratops seemed too puppet-like and the Brachiosaurus seemed too computer generated. Then came the T-Rex. Real tears streamed down my face because this one was utterly, completely there. He could have squashed the car, eaten the kids, whatever. All that mattered was that for the first time I felt like I was actually seeing a real live dinosaur. If I ever met Stan Winston and his genius team, I wouldn’t know how to thank him for making me believe. Yes, Michelle, there really is a dinosaur.

What are some of your favorite movie monsters? What monster awards would you give out?

Hey that rhymes! Every group has one. The brutish thug that helps you out of a tight spot. They may not be the smartest bulb in the toolbox, but they’re certainly the strongest. Their means might not be the suavest, but their ends are worth the collateral damage. Here’s an easy guide to understanding the various forms muscle can take:

WHO: Chewbacca from Star Wars
ABOUT: George Lucas modeled Chewbacca after his dog Indiana and the way he would sit next to him in the passengers seat of his car while he drove. And then obviously the name Indiana turned into Indiana Jones. Seriously, why don’t I have a dog? They’re like little crapping money machines! Except money brings joy to peoples’ lives while dogs are just annoying.
WORK OUT REGIMEN: Peeing. It’s a huge production. And then Han has to put a towel on the copilot’s seat because the hair stays wet forever. Don’t ever get me started on the dingleberries.

Chewbacca: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrgh
C-3PO: He made a fair move. Screaming about it can’t help you.
Han Solo: Let him have it. It’s not wise to upset a Wookiee.
C-3PO: But sir, nobody worries about upsetting a droid.
Han Solo: That’s ’cause droids don’t pull people’s arms out of their sockets when they lose. Wookiees are known to do that.
Chewbacca: Grrf.
C-3PO: I see your point, sir. I suggest a new strategy, R2: let the Wookiee win.

WHO: Jayne Cobb from Firefly and Serenity
ABOUT: In the television show Firefly, Jayne’s intentions were pretty mysterious. Was he a good guy? Was he a bad guy? Unfortunately Firefly was canceled and we never got to find out. But then Serenity came out and we got a solid conclusion to all most of our questions. It may not have happened exactly the way Joss Whedon (or I) wanted, but at least Jayne turned out to be a good guy.
WORK OUT REGIMEN: Dodging cancellation. Good luck Chuck! I’m referencing the awesome TV show he’s currently on, not the crappy Dane Cook movie. Is calling it a “crappy” Dane Cook movie redundant?

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Jayne, how many weapons you plan on bringing? You only got the two arms.
Jayne Cobb: I just get excitable as to choice — like to have my options open.

WHO: Private Jenette Vasquez from Aliens
ABOUT: She is one tough cookie. But if she caught you calling her “cookie” she’d kick your ass. The woman who played Vasquez is Jenette Goldstein. She played a character (and I use the term liberally) named Irish Mommy in Titanic. From Private Vasquez to Irish Mommy. Talk about a versatile actress! I heard she was even Phylicia Rashad’s understudy in A Raisin in the Sun.
WORK OUT REGIMEN: Beach Volleyball with Admiral Cain, Xena Warrior Princess, and Velma from Scooby Doo.

Hudson: Hey Vasquez, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
Vasquez: No. Have you?

WHO: Gimli son of Gloin from The Lord of the Rings
ABOUT: First off…Gloin? Seriously, I love saying that. Gloin, Gloin, Gloin. Okay, moving on. Gimli was a great little character in The Fellowship of the Ring, but after that he kind of toed the line of buffoonery. “I know! Let’s have him burp! That’s so original and edgy!” That being said, his contests with Legolas were really well done. And who doesn’t love rooting for the little fat guy?
WORK OUT REGIMEN: Running for hours and hours on top of ridges and other various mountains to inspiring orchestral music. Speaking of, why did they always have to run along the tops of the mountains? Seems like more work.

Gimli: Certainty of death. Small chance of success. What are we waiting for?

WHO: Worf from Star Trek
ABOUT: 175 episodes of Star Trek: Next Generation, 102 episodes of Star Trek: Dee Space Nine, 4 movies, and not a single headbutt. I mean seriously? What’s the point of having that awesome forehead if you’re not going to headbutt anyone? I’d go around headbutting everyone I saw. He came pretty close in Star Trek: First Contact when Captain Picard called him a coward. Instead he just said: “If you were any other man, I would kill you!” which I enjoy saying at least once a day in my best Klingon accent. Nobody gets what movie I’m referencing, so they just kinda think I’m an asshole. But then again, I admitted to wanting to headbutt everyone with my hypothetical Worf forehead, so maybe they’re right.
WORK OUT REGIMEN: Not practicing headbutting apparently!

Lt. Commander. Data: He must have died in his sleep.
Lieutenant Worf: What a terrible way to die.

In an effort not to offend anyone with my opinionated reviews, I am proud to present my very first unopinionated review. Spoiler free here, but the comments are fair game.

I thought Lost was pretty good on last night. Desmond’s beard looked really fake enthusiastic. Jeremy Davies looked quite anorexic willowy. I hate that We didn’t get any answers which sucks as usual but that’s okay!

Ugh! That’s harder than I thought it would be! Okay so honestly I was pretty meh throughout the episode. I’ve never been a fan of Desmond, so naturally this wasn’t my kind of episode, but the last 5 minutes totally made up for it. So cute! Also, didn’t Alan Dale’s accent sound really fake? But then I looked it up and he’s from New Zealand. Odd. I guess I’m just so used to him being Mr. Meade and Caleb Nichol, that when he was talking normally, it confused my fragile little brain.

And then there is this, which is old, but I’ve never seen it before until now, thanks to Ryan.

1. Is anyone else watching (and loving) Sarah Connor Chronicles? It’s so good! IO9’s article talking about how this show wants to be Battlestar Galactica got me thinking. What if Cameron is some sort of human/terminator hybrid? And what if the half human part of Cameron is really Sarah Connor DNA? Dun dun duuuuuun! Come on! You know it makes sense! And not just because they’re both brunettes! In the future, the evil terminators could have engineered a Sarah Connor hybrid-terminator to use against John Connor. Wouldn’t that be smart of them? Create a weapon that thinks and looks like the mother of your biggest enemy. And think about it: They’ve been keeping Cameron’s model number under wraps and said that she’s a completely new model to the franchise. This would take the show to a place the Terminator films haven’t gone before, and I think a lot of people’s gripes with the show is that it’s basically been a Terminator 2 and 3 redux. Why don’t I work in Hollywood again?

2. Definitely the highlight of the Oscars was being introduced to this song, which I completely adore now and have listened to it a gajillion times. For those of you who didn’t see the Oscars, it’s called “Falling Slowly” by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova and it’s from the movie Once, which I immediately added to my Netflix queue.

3. I’m sorry NefariousCarrot, I know its your favorite book and all, but I’m sad to report that I’m giving up on Lilith for now. I say “for now” in the hopes that I will go back and finish it. But how many times have you actually finished a book after putting it down? Oh man, “putting it down” sounds awful, as if I took the book out back and shot it. In this case it’s more like I impaled it with a lightsaber since the new Star Wars book came out yesterday and I’ll be reading that instead while giving everyone that “don’t judge me!” look on the train.