Puntabulous

Oh Battlestar Galactica! Why must you always make us suffer through your mid-season breaks?!

Let’s discuss in the comment section, shall we?

Here’s hoping that tonight’s episode is better than last week!

Let’s discuss Battlestar Galactica in the comment section, shall we?

When you’re a kid, you debate which superhero would win in a fight. As a Batman fan, I always had to justify my choice by saying that he could outwit that silly goody two-shoes Superman with his superior intellect and gadgets.

But we’re not kids anymore. So the question is now: “Which superhero would you most want to bang?” To help you make your choice, I’ve developed this handy guide to the members of the latest incarnation of the Justice League and the pros and cons of making sweet, sweet love with them. Sorry Aquaman, once again, you lose.

WHO: Superman
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: He’s the typical good guy, so he’s probably really considerate of your feelings and puts your pleasure before his. And they don’t call him “the man of steel” for nothing, so there’s one embarrassing problem you won’t have.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: But we’re not talking about marriage here, we’re talking about banging. Are you sure the all-American good boy is the way to go? And you have that whole “faster than a speeding bullet” business to consider.

WHO: Batman
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: Batman doesn’t have any superpowers, so he spends plenty of time in the gym building up that perfect physique. Besides, who doesn’t love the bad boy? Plus bats are nocturnal, so if you dim the lights, this is one man that will come alive… with passion!
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: Batman can be pretty dark and creepy. Are you sure you want to climb in bed with all that baggage? With all his parental issues he could end up a sobbing mess while crying out for his Mommy.

WHO: Wonder Woman
WHY SHE’S GOOD IN BED: It’s a known fact that if you place hundreds of beautiful women on an exotic island together, they’re going to practice making out with each other. So Wonder Woman has plenty of experience under her golden belt.
WHY SHE’S BAD IN BED: I said it was island full of beautiful women. Put a penis in front of her and she has no idea what to do. Besides, bad girls don’t wear star spangled panties. They might as well be made out of stone, because you’ll never get into them.

WHO: The Flash
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: He’s the youngest member of the Justice League, so he’s eager to please and has the energy to make it an all-nighter. If you like the jackhammer technique, he’s your man.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: Younger doesn’t necessarily mean better. While he may physically have the energy to make it an all-nighter, that doesn’t mean he has the stamina to make it an all-nighter. He could get it, do his business and be done in… well… a flash.

WHO: Green Lantern
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: You know what they say: “Once you go black, you never go back.” SIDENOTE. Plus if you’re familiar with the history of the Green Lanterns, you’ll know that they usually don’t become superheroes until later in life, so he wasn’t always saving the day. He’s had plenty of time to get around and learn some technique.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: He only says he’s using his power ring to make a forcefield condom around his John Stewart, but how would you ever know if he’s telling the truth?

WHO: Hawkgirl
WHY SHE’S GOOD IN BED: Have a taste for the more exotic? You haven’t had sex until you’ve driven a woman to start shouting bird calls in the heat of passion. And Cosmo says it can be kinky to involve feathers in your foreplay, so if that’s the case, she’s certainly your girl.
WHY SHE’S BAD IN BED: Um, what’s foreplay? Plus Hawkgirl isn’t all that popular and lives in Wonder Woman’s shadow, so I’m sure she has a lot to prove to the world, which means only one thing: she’s a real bitch in bed.

WHO: Martian Manhunter
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: He’s a shape-shifter, so essentially you can have him change into anyone you wish and live out your inner-most fantasies.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: He’s still trying to understand human society, so he’d probably ask you loads of annoying questions during it about your feelings. Plus he’s an alien, so sex with humans might take some practice before he gets good. Unless he’s one of those anal-probe aliens, which in that case, you may be in luck (you know, if that’s your thing).

So what do you say readers? Which member of the Justice League are you bringing home tonight?

I was going to write a post titled The Puntabulous Guide to Craigs in Science Fiction but I ran into a little problem: I couldn’t find any. I need your superior knowledge and reseach skills to find me some characters named Craig in science fiction movies and television shows. Go, my pretties! Leave no stone unturned!

Okay, so I finished Season 1 of Star Trek: The Next Generation. It was pretty freaking awesome. Here are some of my thoughts:

1. I’m amazed at the special effects they were using on a television show in 1987. I can’t even tell if the enterprise is a model or CGI. Did they even have CGI back then? But if you can’t tell what method of special effects they’re using, that’s a good thing. Yes, I could tell when they reused some of the same spaceship shots, but only because I was watching the show in marathons. And yes, most of the aliens are humanoid, but the make-up effects are spectacular!

2. I love the way every show starts off. “We’re on our way to the 3rd planet of the Beta System to investigate a deadly mutant spore that has suddenly appeared blah blah blah.” It cuts right to the chase, so the mystery of the show is introduced before the opening credits, so you get as much bang for your buck. No unnecessary filler.

3. Normally I hate series that focus on “monster-of-the-week” episodes or even stand-alone episodes in continuous story series like Battlestar Galactica, but it really doesn’t bother me here. The individual mysteries and stories are so good that you don’t need an overall story arc to want to keep watching episode after episode.

4. Contrary to popular belief, there wasn’t a single episode where 3 main characters and 1 extra went on a mission, and the extra got killed. Not once in the entire season! Take that nay-sayers!

5. Slightly too much Wesley Crusher saving the day.

6. I love the balance of drama and humor. It’s not afraid to tackle big issues, but at times it can be wonderfully light-hearted and whimsical. Like the time Lieutenant Tasha Yar had sex with Data. Seriously!

7. The chemistry between the entire cast is absolutely undeniable. They all blend into their roles and interact so well. They’re really one in a million.

8. Male crew members in miniskirt Starfleet uniforms!

9. While the phaser doesn’t give you the same satisfaction as the big honking “lock and load!” laser rifles found in most other science fiction, you have to admire the restraint of the designers to keep things simple and logical. Why not have a small hand held phaser? It makes complete sense.

10. Patrick Stewart is awesome. He adds so much gravitas to the role of Captain Picard. Plus he loves Star Trek and isn’t one of those people that tries to distance themselves from the role. In a recent interview, he was asked about weird Star Trek fans and he said: “How many do you know personally? You couldn’t be more wrong. Here’s the thing: if you say the fans are weird, that means there is something essentially weird about the show, and there is nothing weird about it. I’m very passionate when people like you snigger.” Um, how awesome is he?

I’m taking a break from Star Trek: The Next Generation for the time being and switching over to the first season of Babylon 5, another science fiction series I’ve never seen. I’m really excited because it seems to have a great cult following. I’ll probably go back and forth between seasons. One season of Star Trek, then one season of Babylon 5, and so forth and so on. The excitement never ends!

Previously, on Battlestar Galactica:

Battlestar Galactica LOL Cats
Battlestar Galactica LOL Cats Redux

Previously, on Battlestar Galactica:

Battlestar Galactica LOL Cats
Battlestar Galactica LOL Cats Redux

Battlestar Galactica is celebrated for its daring look at controversial issues such as free will, occupancy, insurgency, and abortion. But the most controversial issue of all is: Exactly how irritating can a “good” character be before we stop rooting for them? For the love of Gods these people can be annoying! Let’s take a closer look at these characters and see what makes them so irritating, shall we? Spoilers ahead if you’re not totally caught up!

WHO: Admiral William Adama
WHY HE IS SO IRRITATING: Okay, we get it, you’re a tough guy. Enough with the raspy voice. Try a lozenge! Adama also has this ridiculous habit of yelling at people in the beginning of the episode and telling them that he never wants to see them again, then by the end of the episode, he’s sitting at their bedside telling them how much he loves them and thinks of them like a child. Half the people on Galactica are petitioning to have their last name changed to Adama. The more people he tells, the less it means, not to mention he’ll throw them under the bus once they step out of line again.
WHY HE ISN’T SO BAD: Whatever he’s doing, he seems to be doing it right. All he has to do is open his mouth and people break out in the slow clap. And by “slow clap” I mean “so say we all”.

WHO: President Laura Roslin
WHY SHE IS SO IRRITATING: Well if it isn’t Ms. Holier than Thou herself! She started off the series as a school teacher in above her head, but as Adama recently pointed out, she’s becoming progressively obsessed with finding Earth as her illness increases. Finding Earth is all fine and good, but she’s becoming increasingly cutthroat in her actions to find it because if she dies before leading humanity to Earth, it means she’s not part of the prophesy, and her life is meaningless. Sounds pretty selfish if you ask me. Oh, and enough with the glasses on, glasses off business. We get it!
WHY SHE ISN’T SO BAD: Her search for Earth can be a bit obsessive at times, but deep down, I feel that she’s working for the good of humanity.

WHO: Lee “Apollo” Adama
WHY HE IS SO IRRITATING: Because he has no idea what he wants in life. He’s spent his entire life being a pilot, but oh wait, when he was a kid he used to sneak into his grandfather’s office and read his law books. Really, Apollo? Did that really happen? He also wants to be with Starbuck, but doesn’t try hard enough when she plays hard to get by marrying someone else. And then there was this ridiculous business of Apollo not wanting to cheat and Starbuck not wanting to get a divorce. They’re all kissy kissy one minute, and then suddenly they’re members of Focus on the Family. What the hell?
WHY HE ISN’T SO BAD: We all have a hard time searching for our callings in life, and we don’t look nearly as good in a towel while searching for it.

WHO: Kara “Starbuck” Thrace
WHY SHE IS SO IRRITATING: She’s a cocky loudmouth drunk, she’s always getting herself into trouble, she has no idea what she wants in life, she makes the most god awful decisions, she married someone else because she was too scared to get with Apollo, and she always chooses the more exciting violent solution rather than the less exciting reasonable solution. She also has both Adama’s wrapped around her finger, and they do nothing but go out of their way to keep her happy, even after she pretty much killed Adama’s other son Zak.
WHY SHE ISN’T SO BAD: She’s a damn good pilot, and what ace pilot isn’t a cocky bastard? Plus she might lead humanity to Earth. Or she’s the harbinger of death. Whatever.

WHO: Dr. Gaius Baltar
WHY HE IS SO IRRITATING: First off you have that whole helping obliterate the human race business, which isn’t always the best way to get people to like you. Then you have his astounding political career which was gained through dirty politics and a sexy Cylon in his head telling him what to do so his wishy washy self never had to make a decision on his own. And now he’s some sort of messiah to the badass beauty brigade, which includes dressing like Hugh Hefner and still letting the sexy Cylon in his head tell him what to do. And he’s skeevy.
WHY HE ISN’T SO BAD: With the Cylons not being as evil as they once appeared, maybe that means he isn’t all that bad. Maybe?

WHO: Colonel Saul Tigh
WHY HE IS SO IRRITATING: We all know he only got to where he is by being friends with Adama, and what isn’t more irritating than an authority figure who doesn’t deserve their rank in society? I mean really, what has he contributed? He just barks out the orders that Adama gives him. What does XO even stand for? (Fine, it stands for Executive Officer, but it should be EO!) Remember what a disaster he was when he took over while Adama was in a coma? And don’t even get me started on what he did to his poor misunderstood hot mess of a wife Ellen.
WHY HE ISN’T SO BAD: He’s been a lot cooler since his time on New Caprica. The pirate look suits him. He still doesn’t do much though.

WHO: Lt. Karl ‘Helo’ Agathon and Lt. Sharon ‘Athena’ Valerii
WHY THEY ARE SO IRRITATING: Oh I’m sorry, are these two different characters? Because I was under the impression that they were one and the same since they haven’t had a single storyline of their own, since like, forever. Unless you count that god awful “Woman King” episode from Season 3 where the evil doctor (played by the guy who always plays a bad guy) was obviously killing people and Helo was the only person who noticed, but no one would listen to him because it was a really crappy episode. And they just kind of stand around while the Humans and the Cylons fight over their baby.
WHY THEY AREN’T SO BAD: Who are we to judge two young kids in love?

WHO: Chief Petty Officer Galen Tyrol
WHY HE IS SO IRRITATING: He’s supposed to represent the “everyman” on the show, but if every man was as irritating as he is, I’d shoot myself. He’s like a walking inadequacy issue and he’s not afraid to show it. He’s always left behind repairing the ships rather than saving the day with the pilots, Boomer left him for the much hotter Helo, and he doesn’t look nearly as good in the double tank top uniform as everyone else does. I know I’d be spending plenty of time in the therapist’s office, but he doesn’t do anything to help himself. He just complains about how horrible his life is.
WHY HE ISN’T SO BAD: The episode where he made the stealth Blackbird was pretty awesome, and it actually made him quite endearing, briefly. Plus we’d all be pretty irritating if we were married to Cally.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Petty Officer Anastasia “Dee” Dualla: You think Dee is all cute at first with her tiny ears, and she’s dating Billy which is all kinds of awesome, because who wouldn’t want to date Billy? But then he proposes and she rejects him and gets with Apollo out of nowhere! And before Billy could come crying into my tender and loving arms, he gets shot and dies.

Callandra “Cally” Henderson-Tyrol: Her voice is like nails on a chalkboard. Not to mention all the BSG-loving women of the world simultaneously sighed and shook their heads when she married the man who beat her to a bloody pulp. But let’s not worry about her anymore because, you know…

Tory Foster: She’s like the dark horse of the irritating competition. Where did she come from? She already loses points for replacing Billy (Billy!). She’s also enjoying her new Cylon powers way too much, although they do come in handy (see above). And she really needs to knock it off with the creepy sexy-time with Baltar business. Weirdo.

Admiral Helena Cain: Her character wasn’t irritating. She was just plain evil but watching her just irritated the crap out of me. She easily could have made the show completely unenjoyable. Luckily her time on the island was brief.

Kendra Shaw: Oh really? You were on the Pegasus the entire time? I’ll have to rewatch my Season 2.5 DVDs and see if I can spot you in the background. Liar!

Shevon: Who, you ask? She’s the prostitute who Apollo was seeing in the “Black Market” episode. She doesn’t even have a last name! No further explanation of her irritatingness needed.

I think everyone is in agreement that Battlestar Galactica is kicking ass this season, right? I made a few more Battlestar Galactica LOL Cats. Check out the old ones in case you missed them.

Battlestar Galactica LOL Cats
Battlestar Galactica LOL Cats Three For All

1. Deal or No Deal Model Theater - Heroes

They also did The Office and Bionic Woman. The model playing Dwight in The Office parody only has one line, but she is genius.

2. I watched the four New Caprica episodes from Season 3 of Battlestar Galactica last weekend. I love those episodes so so so much. The Exodus episodes are movie-level awesomeness. Remember when the Galactica jumped to the planet’s surface and released all the Vipers and then jumped back out? And remember when the Pegasus came flying in to save the day? Incredible! Oh, and Adama called Apollo a “fatass”, which is pretty awesome too.

3. I’m going to Pennsylvania this weekend for my godson’s christening, which reminds me, I should do a post about my three godchildren. They are all wonderfully fantastic individuals. You will love them.

4. Who else is watching Survivor? Last night’s episode was all sorts of awesome. Jason: I love you, but sometimes I wish you were either smarter, or quieter. Erik: Cut your hair. I can’t decide who’s hair I hate more: Your’s or Jason Catro’s from American Idol? Ozzy: You suck. Eliza: You’re crazy, but I kinda love you and I think if I were on Survivor I would be exactly like you.

5. I think today’s Dilbert was written just for me:

Battlestar Galactica is on tonight! In celebration I made some Battlestar Galactica LOL Cats. They’re kinda like “I guess you had to be there” jokes, so if you don’t watch Battlestar Galactica just enjoy the pretty kitty pics, like some crazy cat lady. Enjoy!

Battlestar Galactica LOL Cats Redux
Battlestar Galactica LOL Cats Three For All

Growing up I wanted to be any number of different things. I idolized various people by the minute. I longed to be someone cooler than myself, someone who demanded respect simply by existing. So now I present you with a handy guide to my various childhood idols:

WHO: Batman from the 1960’s Batman series.
WHY: Batman was, and continues to be, my favorite comic book hero ever. To be Batman just seemed so attainable. I mean, it’s not like he came from a different planet, or got covered in radioactive goop to gain super powers like those other loser comic book heroes. I think what also helped in making it seem so attainable was the cheese factor of the 1960’s Batman show (when is that coming out on DVD?). I mean, I’m sure I could get my hand on some spandex. And the fights never looked all that dangerous. Just throw a couple of punches and let the cartoon onomatopoeias do all the work. And I completely envied the whole hidden door to the Batcave business. To this day I still want to incorporate a secret passageway into my house. But nowadays if you have a secret passageway in your house everyone thinks you’re a pedophile. Damn pedophiles. They ruin everything.

WHO: Stuntman started with 1989’s Batman.
WHY: Okay, so being Batman was all fine and good until 1989, when Tim Burton’s Batman came out and it finally dawned on me that being Batman could actually be kinda dangerous. So I couldn’t be a real-life Batman anymore. However! I could be a stuntman in Batman movies. Genius! That way I could be Batman without actually having to be Batman! And if I was a stuntman, I could be any number of awesome people in all different types of movies! This is where I take a moment to let you stop laughing at the idea of my scrawny ass being a stuntman. Okay, better? At the time I didn’t realize all the hard work and god-forbid working out required to be a stuntman. I guess I just assumed you got to run around in cool costumes all day. Could you imagine me being Batman’s stunt double these days? Christopher Nolan would be like: “Where’s the stunt double?” and Christian Bale would be like: “I don’t know. Last I saw, he was running around throwing fake kicks and punches at everyone.” And then they’d both just shake their heads.

WHO: Uncle Jesse from Full House
WHY: Alright. First off: shut up. Secondly: what’s not to idolize?! He had it all! Good looks, great hair (after Stephanie cut off the mullet), a hot wife, cute kids, and he was friends with the Beach Boys! (Which was kind of a big deal back then, don’t ask, it was the early 90’s.) And at this point of my childhood, I may have been confusing being Uncle Jesse, with being with Uncle Jesse. Plus he was in an awesome band called Jesse and the Rippers, and made cool music videos that made this little boy child swoon with love and adoration. Oh, and their bed in the attic folded up into the wall, which I just thought was the coolest. thing. ever. What practical purpose it served I’m not sure, but it was darn cool.

WHO: Gizmoduck from DuckTales
WHY: Okay, so maybe DuckTales jumped the shark with the introduction of Gizmoduck, but that didn’t stop this nerdy, Transformers-loving boy from idolizing him with every fiber of his being. I mean, you could just be an average person and all you had to do was yell out “Blathering Blatherskyte!” and all these robot parts would join to you and you’d become this super cool crime-fighting robot. Sometimes I would cut the other end off of empty soup and vegetable cans my Mom was throwing away, put three of them on each arm and run around my backyard pretending to be Gizmoduck praying for the day when telekinetic voice-commanded robotics came into existence. Yeah, I was a weird kid.

WHO: Dr. Alan Grant from Jurassic Park
WHY: As you may or may not know, all my life I wanted to be a paleontologist. I even got my bachelors degree in Geology with a concentration in Biology so I could move on and become a super famous paleontologist and discover the first infant Tyrannosaurus Rex skeleton. As you can see I’m now a super famous paleontologist who discovered the first infant Tyrannosaurus Rex skeleton those plans fell through. Jurassic Park came out when I was 12 years old, which is a prime time in boyhood when dinosaurs are even cooler than transforming robots. And not only was Dr. Grant a leader in the field of paleontology, he was so respected that he was invited to be one of the first visitors to a park full of dinosaurs. It was this moment that I set my future in stone. I was going to be a paleontologist. After all, I needed to become the leader in the field of paleontology that way I would get invited to be one of the first visitors to a park full of dinosaurs.

WHO: J.R.R. Tolkien author of The Lord of the Rings.
WHY: My junior year of college is when I really got involved with reading and writing. Before then, I was never much of a reader. In fact, I loathed it. Our school system trained me to think that reading was a chore, or at least that’s the excuse I use. But with the discovery of Harry Potter (I only started reading the series when the first movie came out) I would never be seen without a book again. But it’s not J.K. Rowling who is my current idol, it’s J.R.R. Tolkien. Granted my writing is geared towards children, I love the idea of creating my own world, which I think it much more evident in Tolkien’s writing than in Rowling’s. Along with the main series I’m working on, it’s a dream of mine to write a fictional history book detailing the span of a world from beginning to end. Baby steps, Craig. Baby steps.

The fourth and (sadly) final season of Battlestar Galactica starts tonight! I am so excited! Michelle is having a viewing party at her place. I may very well wear my “Frakkin Toasters” t-shirt. To celebrate the return of the best show ever, below are some of my favorite scenes from the series, which I think everyone can enjoy, not just hardcore fans such as myself.

Starbuck and Leoben spread the love:

President Roslin takes care of business (without the aid of an airlock!):

Helo takes on Cylon Skinjobs on the original Caprica:

The Battlestar Pegasus takes on Hundreds of Cylon Raiders:

Starbuck escapes from the Cylon Farm:

Okay fine, you caught on! They’re not really scenes from Battlestar Galactica (except the first one, which is my favorite scene ever). But here’s one more anyway:

Kat flies through radiation and saves the day:

You are SO welcome for that last one.