Puntabulous

When I Google “Google,” it actually brings itself up. I’d rather it just pop up and say “You are a bitch.”

Even when I try really hard, I am never able to teleport.

There is never a good chance to save anyone’s life and get my picture in the paper and the key to the city. Of course, the city is in MS, and that’d still be pretty crappy.

Jonas Armstrong’s car never breaks down in front of my house, and I never get to show off my car fixing skillz. Really the only thing I know how to do is how to check the fluids, I couldn’t even figure out how to put air in my tire, but I did get help from a nice handsome fella (FANTASTIC oppurtunity to use the word “fella”), so it’s almost like I was rewarded for lack of skills.

A cop is never shot down at the bank and I never have to take his gun and save everyone. The cop wouldn’t die, but he would probably be a sissy cop and just be shot in the arm or something, but cry a lot, so I’d have to take over.

Parker never calls me fat so I never get to hit him for a reason. Unless the reason is not calling me fat.

I never get to go to the Catholic Church with Parker because his mom thinks I’m a bad influence. But of course, I don’t want to go to his Catholic-fest for the religion, I want to go see the gypsies. There are Irish Travelers at his church and I don’t get to see them!!!! It’s really unfair.

Demetri Martin never happens upon Puntabulous and falls in love with me. THAT is unfair.

Quiznos never burns down. Although once a coworker and I did almost start a fire in the microwave trying to make cookies.

This isn’t really something out there, but it’s still something that I want to do but never do. Mainly because I don’t want to do it all by myself because I’d look really crazy. But if someone else was with me, it might look less crazy, maybe even poetic, and if it were with some hot guy, then possibly romantic. Anyway, I want to roll around in the grass in this field near my house.

How fluffy does it look?!?! SO FLUFFY!

If I were ever in a freak accident where toxic chemicals altered my DNA, I hope the radiation would give me supernatural yo-yo abilities. I would then use my new abilities to fight crime.

I could use catchphrases like:

“Why don’t you go crying back to yo-yo mama!”

“I’m gonna walk you dogs all the way to jail!”

“Yo yo criminals! Justice is coming around the world!”

Here I am wishing upon a star:

Here is my wish come true:

What you don’t see, is that I am the only person left on the face of the planet.

So what I would like is a personal air-brusher. Someone just to make sure I look my best at all times. I don’t want to work out, seeing as though that would take me away from my reality television and general laziness. I don’t want to get a tan, since that would require me to experience too much sunlight (sunlight makes Craig cranky and irritable). And I don’t want to wear make-up because I’m way too manly for that. Ha! Just kidding, but guys who wear make up are gross.

So what I need is for someone to sit in a room somewhere (I don’t care where, China perhaps? I hear labor is cheaper there) and digitally enhance me. The further away they are the better. I don’t need someone following me around literally touching me up. Digital is the new way to beauty my friend. A little tan here, a bit more clear skin there, and the most amazing set of six pack abs, anytime, anywhere.

Some of you may be thinking “But Craig, I think you’re drop dead gorgeous just the way you are.” I hate to disagree with my readers, so I won’t. You are exactly right. But who can’t stand to be a bit more gorgeous?

Hello, and welcome to another edition of Puntabulous Dream Come True. In today’s edition, I live in a world where Wendy’s Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers grow out of the ground like flowers.

But if you don’t eat them, the usually mild-mannered sun gets a bit offended.

Here I am basking in a giant margarita, whilst drinking a normal sized margarita for good measure.

Jake Gyllenhaal is also there, but wasn’t up for air at the time.