Twas the night before Christmas and all through the web,
Not one mouse was clicking, the blogs were all dead.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that our hero soon would be there.

Elves Kimi and Kristen and Mush and M. Nico,
Heather and TwoPi, Dave2 and joshrico,
Up at the North Pole were all super busy,
The hustle and bustle had all in a tizzy.

The commenters* were passed out on top of their beds,
While visions of simians danced in their heads.
* Disclaimer: fictionalized commenters not as attractive as in real life.

And I in my argyle and Nat with her gun,
Had just settled down for some sexytime fun.

When out of the kitchen there arose such a clatter,
It was Ryan with cupcake all covered in batter.

Away to the window I flew like the wind,
Impressive as I was quite tonic and ginned.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Gave lustre of mid-day to the stalker below.

When what to Polt’s purply eye should appear,
But a miniature sleigh and nine hot, studly queer.

With a little round driver, so horny and blue,
He was more colorful than Tam’s shoulder tattoo.
More rapid than ninjas his men how they flew,
As he whistled and whipped them and kept them in queue.

Now Fdot, now Vuboq, now Paul and Chris D.,
On Jere, on David, on Mel and Mikey.

And to ensure a gift went to each child, sir and madam,
The team was led by the bright red glow of Adam.

And then on the roof was a hullabaloo,
Of the prancing and pawing of each little shoe.
As I drew in my head and was turning around,
Down the chimney S.V. came with a bound.

Virile and cocky from his head to his foot,
His cape was all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
I was awed and amazed by the size of his sack.

His eyes how they twinkled! His smile so red!
I think that his body was also his head.
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And his eyebrows were colored the brightest yellow.

His chubby was plump, a right horny old pill,
And I lol’d when I saw him, he gave me a thrill.
He whipped out a list that he had to check twice,
To see which commenters had been naughty or nice.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
He filled up my stocking; then turned with a jerk,
And laying a finger aside of his stiffy,
He rose up the chimney as quick as a jiffy.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a fluffing,
And away they all flew with much huffing and puffing.
And I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
“Razzle Dazzle to all, and to all a Good-Night!”

Work Out More. Well I was doing good with this one for a while this year. I got up to about day 20 of the EA Sports Active 30-Day challenge before I had to stop because the arches of my feet were becoming strained and it hurt when I walked throughout the day. Yeah, it’s my own fault for being stupid enough to do the damn program barefoot, but no one told me that was a stupid idea! Now I know. I’ll give the program another shot and hopefully get through the 30 days injury free. I liked the way I felt and looked even after my short stint, so I’d like to get back into the swing of things.

Write More. I did National Novel Writing Month back in August and I kicked its ass hardcore and got my 50,000 words done, but I still have a bit more to go in completing my novel. This year I want to finish it, edit it, and start giving it out as party favors so friends and relatives can be my editors.

Date More. LOL! I try dating. I seriously do. This year I even went on a record 8 dates with the same person! I know, crazy, right? But they weren’t ready for a relationship, blah blah blah. Whatever. It’s hard not getting discouraged, but I’ll continue to put myself out there.

Save More. In 2009 I put more focus on paying off student loans rather than saving. I had quite a hefty savings account, but my car and student loans were ridiculous. I shifted gears, emptied my savings and paid off my entire car loan and a large portion of my student loans. I still have a bit more to go on my student loans, but I can feel that this is the year they go away forever. Then I need to built up my savings again so I can finally buy my own home.

Well lookie here! My first three resolutions end with “More” so I guess I’m not doing too bad, huh? But I think that means I need to start thinking of some serious resolutions. But I can only think of one that I really need to work on (otherwise I am totally perfect in every other way):

Be Happier. I need to stop worrying about work when I’m no longer at work. I need to stop being cranky with the people that love me just because I had a rough day. I need to imagine a bit more. I need to have random dance parties. I need to stop wallowing in self-pity. I need to let go of things that are beyond my control. I need to draw more Super Viagra strips. I need to write what I want to write. I need to remind myself of the real reasons why I’m single. I need to go on strolls. I need to get a hobby that has less to do with sitting in front of the television and more to do with that archery set in the basement.

I think that’s what resolutions are all about, right? Happiness. Whether it’s losing weight, quitting smoking, exercising more, getting a new hobby, it’s all about making yourself a happier person. So don’t quantify your resolutions. Don’t set yourself up for failure. If you resolve to do things that make you happy, everything else should fall into place. Here’s wishing you and your family a happy and healthy New Year!

I managed to stay in my pajamas for the entirety of Christmas day. Getting dressed on Christmas is pretty much a failure at life and makes baby Jesus cry. I got loads of DVDs, including some seasons of Angel, Big Bang Theory, and the entire series of Ally McBeal, which was just as much a present for my Mom as it was for me. We started watching it the next day, and it is awesome. Mom only got into it the last two seasons when people said it sucked, but she still loved it. Anything in marathon viewing is better anyway, so I’m sure I’ll love the whole thing. Oh, and maybe I got an argyle sweater or two, or seven.

Mom also got me this awesome t-shirt. A few months ago we came across a t-shirt in Kohls that said “Adorkable” on it, with a stick figure that looked remarkably like me. But it was in the clearance rack and there was only one left and it was XXL (which I probably would have worn in high school, but not anymore). She hasn’t stopped looking for that shirt since, to no avail. So instead she went to a t-shirt shop and had this made for me. She gave the woman a description (it was the woman’s idea to add the computer) and I think it came out great. I love it!

I also got the new Super Mario Bros. for Wii and have been playing it nonstop. It is just so great to play in the style of the classic Mario games. It really brings back a lot of memories. Water worlds are still the bane of my existence. Carrying Toad through an entire world on my head is also the most annoying thing on the face of the planet. I wish I could ignore his cries for help, but I just can’t, I’m compelled to help him. But I hate him. I’m always yelling at him if he falls off and starts running away. Ungrateful bastard. If you guys have been playing and know any secrets or any locked worlds I can get to, let me know!

I also got a bajillion dollars worth of Best Buy and Amazon gift certificates from my brothers and sister. They know me so well! But what is it with gift certificates that makes spending money so hard? I could go into Best Buy at any given time and spend $100 of my own hard earned cash. But give me a gift certificate and I wander around the store for days looking for the perfect purchase. It’s like I don’t want to waste my precious gift certificate on something silly, yet I would spend my own cash on it any other time. Doesn’t make sense. Any suggestions for what I should get?

That about sums it up. Oh don’t worry, like sex, Christmas is about giving as much as it is about receiving. I got my brothers Super Mario Bros. for Wii (I have a tendency to give gifts I’d also like to receive), Amanda car mats that say “What happens in Amanda’s Jeep stays in Amanda’s Jeep” which is way perverted for a Christmas gift if you think about it, along with a framed picture of her dog Ralphie made up to look like an old-fashioned school photo. We got my parents a new big screen TV for their bedroom, tickets to Wicked, a Kindle, a Keurig, and more. We’re such good kids!

Anyway, enough about me. How was your Christmas?

1. Watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade on television. Yay or nay?

I’m a little in both camps. I recognize that it’s usually a total snoozefest and I hate those teasers like “Coming up! Garfield!” But if it’s on, I undoubtedly get sucked into it and end up watching the whole thing and wave to Santa through the TV. Shut up.

2. What is your favorite Thanksgiving side dish? You can’t say turkey!

My aunt’s stuffing. It’s homemade and it is so incredibly good. Like, I’m sure you think your stuffing is really good and that your family’s recipe is the best, but it’s not. Her’s is. Sorry!

3. What is your favorite beverage (alcoholic or nonalcoholic) to go with your Thanksgiving Day meal?

Apple cider.

4. Cranberry Sauce. Delicious tradition, or evil jello wannabe?

Delicious!

5. What is your favorite pie?

Apple. I mean, I’ll never turn away any pie, but apple is the tops. Warmed up with vanilla ice cream. Mmmm.

6. Match the following pies with the following toppings. Apple, Pumpkin, Blueberry. Reddiwhip, Cool Whip, Ice Cream.

Apple = Ice Cream, Pumpkin = Reddiwhip, Blueberry = Cool Whip.

7. Complete this sentence: The secret to a delicious post-Thanksgiving turkey sandwich is:

Meat selection. You have to pick the perfect pieces of meat, otherwise a bite into a line of fat halfway through will ruin the entire experience!

8. What is your post-Thanksgiving meal ritual? Don’t say pooping, you gross bastard!

Survivor. Normally it’s the annoying clipshow, but this year it’s an entirely new episode!

9. What is your favorite Thanksgiving Day themed movie or television episode?

Planes, Trains & Automobiles. Followed closely by the Thanksgiving Day play scene in Addams Family Values. “We cannot break bread with you.”

10. What are you most thankful for this year? You can only pick one!

Successfully completing a novel writing month thanks to my friend Meg who organized it and got our asses in gear!

As we were winding down with eggs (technically Amanda had already won since she was beating me with enough eggs that even if I found the rest she would have still won) my brother gave us a hint that there was an egg in the vicinity of that pine tree. Now understand that the obviousness of this egg isn’t representative of the difficulty of the rest of the hunt. It’s just that the pine tree has the most painful pine needles on the face of the planet.