Here’s Ryan who just turned one. We sent him down the triple black diamond slope. I think we enjoyed it more than he did.

Okay, but the real event was when I, Craig, King of All Snow Sports, took my turn down the hill.

There was a hushed silence as I started my descent. So many questions were asked that would soon be answered. Why wasn’t Uncle Craig in the Olympics? What does a sonic boom sound like? Will he wet his pants?

Now here you will see me reach the bottom of the hill. It’s a little hard to see, but my back is arched like that because I’m currently soaring over an enormous ramp.

Here, I’ve drawn you a schematic:

Something tells me you’re still not quite getting it. So I had a highly sophisticated digital artist render an approximation of the events that took place:

And here’s the aftermath. It’s amazing I could maintain such composure after nearly losing consciousness from briefly leaving the stratosphere.

Perhaps I should give up my professional status as a Supreme Snow Sporter so I can compete in the 2012 Olympics? Meh, seems unfair to everyone else.

I can’t believe my parents actually agreed to do that tree hugging picture. I’d call them dorks, but it was my idea. Such a fun, relaxing day!

R.I.P. Purpley Argyle. Survived by countless other multi-colored brethren. Services to be held by the nearest waterfall à la Boromir. Send flowers donations to Craig. Meh, who am I kidding, I’ll probably still wear it. You can still send donations though.

Look how young and stylish they were! Who knew?!

We got there really early, so that’s why the seats weren’t filled yet, but I’d say the stadium filled up about 90% by the time the show got started. Here’s Dad:

And here’s me:

They started off the event with a prayer. That’s right, a prayer in the middle of New York City. And amazingly enough as much as everyone likes to believe New Yorkers are a bunch of elitist heathens, the place didn’t immediately burst into flame. Then some country star who everyone but me and my Dad knew sang the national anthem. I was secretly hoping it would be Jewel since her husband was a bull rider and is now a commentator, but no such luck. They also brought out a flag that was from Ground Zero and sewn back together which was nice.

Then the show started and they made it really fun with show effects and tons of pop music. I’m talking Miley Cyrus, Britney Spears, Black Eyed Peas, Lady Gaga and a ton of others, which carried on throughout the event even as the cowboys were riding the bulls. There’s nothing quite like seeing a cowboy get bucked around to a Miley Cyrus song. The music really surprised me (come on, you know I was expecting lame country music) but it made the whole event really fun.

I took this next picture because I thought it was really neat that they had just as many posters featuring the bulls as they did the cowboys. The crowd even cheered for their favorite bulls more than their favorite cowboys, which I thought was really unexpected. Just to be clear, the longest the cowboy tries to stay on a bull is 8 seconds before he jumps off, and bulls can only be ridden once a day. The bulls are never hurt or goaded into bucking. I think it’s just about not being comfortable when someone is sitting on them, so they buck around for 8 seconds (I’d say 60% of the cowboys made it to 8 seconds), then when the cowboy either gets bucked off, or jumps off, the bull is totally fine and prances back to their pen. I’d say that the cruelest thing these bulls have to face is the names they’re given like Uncle Buck, Drill Baby Drill, and Fagbuster. Okay, I’m kidding about Fagbuster, but Drill Baby Drill was totally one of the bull’s names. But there was also one named Pinball Wizard, and you just know he was totally getting it on with the other bulls backstage.

Although they did have this guy on hand to guide the bulls to the pen in the event they didn’t go themselves:

Dad spent most of the time behind the pair of binoculars so he could get a better look. I’ve never been a binoculars kinda guy at sporting events. I like seeing the whole picture, but I would imagine when lightsaber death matches become a national sport, I’d be more interested in seeing the action up close.

I have a ton of pictures that look like this one, but I think you only need to see the one to get an idea.

This next picture was by far my favorite part of the event. Wool Riding! My Dad had told me that they sometimes have kids riding sheep, but I just imagined it like the bull riding, only smaller. But I was totally wrong! It was pretty much the most adorable thing ever as kids from the audience were bundled up and held onto sheep as tight as they could as the sheep b-lined ridiculously fast from a pen on one side of the arena, to a pen on the other side. Most of the kids fell off about halfway across, but two kids, including this little girl who won, made it all the way across. After they were ridden the sheep just kinda stood around eating hay being all like WTF was that?

So yeah, I’m just as surprised as you are that I had such a great time, but it really was a lot of fun and I told my Dad we’d make it a yearly tradition.

Here I am opening presents whilst wearing a ridiculous hat:

It wouldn’t be a birthday celebration without argyle:

And more argyle:

Me and Amanda.

Me and Mom:

Tonic! Whatever will I do with it?!

Maybe this cellophane-wrapped bottle looking thing will help:

OMG! Tanqueray! Scratch that. The biggest bottle of Tanqueray I’ve ever seen!

So big that it requires a handle!

Happy Birthday to me!

It wouldn’t be someone else’s birthday if Amanda didn’t wear the special birthday hat:

We were too full from alcohol dinner that night to have birthday cake, so we had it the next morning. Reese’s Peanut Butter ice cream cake!

I could tell you my wish but then I’d have to kill you. But then again, what if I wished for your death?

Mmmmm…death cake.

And now I’m just a normal person again. Not only is it Monday, but now I have to come down from the high of it being my birthday. If people are mean to me I want to be all like “Don’t you know who I am? I’m the birthday boy!” But that wouldn’t fly, because the day after your birthday you’re back to just being a normal person. Life goes on I suppose. But boy was it fun while it lasted!

Mom: A box from amazon came for you today. You always get fun mail. All mine is just bills.

Craig: Oh cool. But I don’t remember ordering something from Amazon. What could it be?

Craig: Oh! It’s a birthday present from Tam!
Mom: That’s so sweet! Did I mention I only get bills in the mail?

Mom: A book! How nice! Your readers are so smart and well read!
Craig: I know, right? Aren’t they just the pinnacle of sophistication? How to live with…

Craig: OMG LOL!
Mom: Oh my god! My eyes! My eyes! They’re on fire! Burn it! Burn the book immediately! It is evil! EEEEVIIIL!

Okay, so maybe that wasn’t exactly the way it happened, but it was entirely awkward opening that in front of my Mom. Thank you so much Tam! I’m so glad there is finally a book to help me cope living with this damn gift/curse of mine! I know many nights will be spent trying to read it out of Mom’s view by staying up late with a flashlight hidden under the blankets. Reading it that way will also help me admire myself while reading and taking notes.

Me and Jere were the first to arrive, and we waited like 5 hours (okay, maybe like 10 minutes) for other people to start arriving, and I’m sure he was worried that this was all some elaborate plot for me to get some alone time with him, which is actually a pretty smart idea now that I think of it.

But then Kári came and we started ordering drinks and Kári ordered a gin & tonic, which made my heart grow three sizes too big, and may or may not explain the ridiculous grin on my face in this picture.

And then FDot came and was awesome and then OMG Polt and Dave S. came! My Mom predicted that people who read my blog are crazy fun-loving enough to come from way out of town for tonight, and she was right!

And then David came and none of us had done karaoke yet as we were riveted by the anime they were playing, but he immediately put a stop to that and got the party started with Love Shack.

And then Enrico and Josh came really fashionably late and started singing right away.

Enrico was all like “I’m putting this picture on my pillowcase later.”

Enrico and Josh were also picking out songs for everyone else to sing.

They picked a Christina Aguilera song for Chris D., but doesn’t he look like an old time crooner in that vest? I feel like he should be singing Unforgettable.

I’m not quite sure what’s going on here, but I imagine Josh being all like “OMG I don’t know this song! It’s sooo old!” And Enrico being all like “Yeah, I know, it’s like, from the 80’s. Just smile and nod.”

And this is one of my favorite pictures ever because I’m sorry, but Polt looks sooooo creepy in it. Like he’s all like “Come child, sit next to me and sing.”

Here are me and Dave S! He came all the way from Ohio! Him and Polt shared a hotel room. Oh to be a fly!

Not sure what’s going on here. By the confusion/disgust on their faces I’m thinking maybe this is an Enrico and Josh song?

Yeah, definitely gotta be an Enrico and Josh song.

Now let me tell you. It may not look like much, but Jere is rapping like a mother fucker in this picture. That whole wall was doing Lady Marmalade and Jere was Lil’ Kim and he was amazing!

I forget who David was but he was also amazing. He’s like an actual singer and shit!

Me and Enrico! His beard is just as magnificent in person as it is on the internet. Oh, and the rest of him is pretty swell too!

Me and Josh! Josh talks in funny voices that make me laugh heartily and his beard is just as magnificent as mine!

So after karaoke we decided to go to dinner and we found this diner that couldn’t seat all ten of us together so we had to sit at three different booths. Wait, is Kári drinking a milkshake? I really want a milkshake now. Oh, and I heard there was some fry stealing going on at this table.

Jere’s face in this picture makes my heart sing a song of joy.

And this was my table AKA teh coolest table evar! Even though Dave S. put ketchup on his chili fries ::shudders::

After dinner we decided to go to this Japanese bar/restaurant thingamajig that David knew about. So we all got on the subway to go downtown, and Josh was all like “I don’t feel well!”

And then he was all like “VOMCOPTERZ!”

And then he was all like “Yum, much better.” While Enrico was all like ::blink, blink::

Meanwhile, Polt was all like “I have had it up to here with all these twinks fooling around, and their Britney Spearsberg songs, and their internets.”

AND OMG HE WAS A SUICIDE BOMBER! And Dave S. was all like “Are those Super Viagra boxers, and if so, where can I get them?”

And Chris D. was all like “I will destroy the evidence with my super smoldering gaze extreme maximus!”

And he shot laser beams out of his eyes and destroyed my camera! Can you believe it?!

And then the subway exploded and everyone but me died, and thankfully I was able to save my memory card with all the pictures because I’m awesome like that. Now I know there are loads of unanswered questions. Like, what song did I have to sing at karaoke? Where did Craig go after the subway explosion? What was in the purple giftbag in the fourth picture? For those answers and more, check out everyone else’s blogs to get the same night from different perspectives!

I think this one involved me bouncing the ball on the end of the diving board, then running and catching it with the two scooper things. Clearly I’m a natural.

We had a lovely dinner (Chris totally copied off my meal choice) and chatted up a storm. We talked about the heated Project Runway: JNCT competition over at Hotel Tuesday, FDot’s awesome poem inspired by meeting Chris at NYC Pride, and the fact that Chris doesn’t have a TV, which I’m currently planning an intervention for. Needless to say we talked about all you readers out there too. No dancing monkey was left unturned! Thank you Chris for a great time!