Puntabulous

Except for this picture of me at work:

Wearing a ridiculously pink shirt.

Okay, so I got a new jacket this past weekend. What do you think? Nice, right?

Whoa! Shiny! Down boy!

It’s versatile! I can wear the collar down.

Or I can wear the collar up.

On second thought, I’m not “cool” enough to wear it up.

But when I got home I noticed something odd about it.

Something seems wrong with the zipper.

Oh shit! The zipper is backwards! Does that make this a girls jacket?

Oh well! I still look good!

With Labor Day just around the corner, it’s the official end of the summer. And what does summer mean? Vacationing with the family, that’s what! So I’m here to give you a rundown of all the family vacations I went on over the summer.

This picture is from the one vacation I didn’t get to go on with my family this year. They went to the Gulf Shores, but it was too close to my Vermont vacation so I couldn’t take off from work again. But I couldn’t resist posting this picture of my adorable nieces and nephew.

Click here to continue with the vacations I was actually on! (more…)

So my parents went away for the week. Monday to Friday. Yeah, I know! What’s the fun of having the house to yourself when it’s not even on the weekend? Oh well. Here’s what happened:

Click the link for the full story! (more…)

So I’m ready to share my quote-unquote camping pictures! Some of you may question whether what me and my friends did can technically be considered camping, but don’t judge us until after you’ve reviewed all the pictures.

Click the link for the full story! (more…)

Like any normal married couple, me and Natalie Portman, my wife, don’t lead the perfect lives. Although we love each other very much (and our love is of the purest kind) we often get into little arguments.

Click the link for the full story: (more…)

Have you ever been lying in bed at night, unable to sleep, wondering, “Oh my God…How does Olivia handle her feelings of happyness…?!” Well I have decided to put a stop to those questions for you! I deal with my happyness in extreme ways, and I’d like to share them with you.

*Warning! If you are SO behind everyone else in reading the last Harry Potter book, skip past stage eight! Because you’d hate me forever and I don’t want to do that to you.

Stage One: Letting the World Know

“Hi! Is this Latisha Forte? Great! You don’t know me, but I’m so HAPPY!”
As soon as something happens that makes me all bubbly inside, I’m sure to call as many people in the phonebook as possible, letting them know about how great I feel. The people I call don’t usually respond well to this, and are more often than not confused, but it’s fine with me.

Stage Two: Coping with feelings of Vulnerablility

“Ka-bow!”
After telling so many people about my happyness, I begin to feel vulnerable. I feel vulnerable because now everyone knows about this, and what if something goes wrong?! To cope with these feelings, I beat up nerds, like Parker!

Stage Three: Giving back to the Community

“Community service!!! Wooo!”
This is of course done by flashing large crowds of people, and apparently those people are very uninterested, as seen above. But it’s okay, because I’m in such a great mood, I don’t care!

Stage Four: Over-Excited Hugging

“I LOVE YOU GUYS!”
Eager to spread the happy vibe, I jump at the chance to hug anyone. Parker is often in the line of fire, and has learned to always expect a sneak attack. See, PERFECT hug, because he was READY! Most of the time the hugging is welcomed, but other times…well, let’s not talk about those.

Stage Five: Excessive Drinking

“LET’S JUST PARTY!”
As with other emotions, drinking is a must. After the sneak-hugging begins to get everyone pissed, I move on to the drunkedness stage of my happyness, this is just before…

Stage Six: Cage Fighting

“Ohhh Goddd…This was a really…bad…idea.”
Still in a drunken stupor, I decide it’s a good idea to try cage fighting. Of course, weighing just over 100 pounds, it really isn’t a good idea, and I go down in the first round, sporting a hot black eye.

Stage Seven: Promiscuous Sex

“Was that as good for you guys as it was for me?”
As with drinking, promiscuous sex is a must, however when happy, this stage involves mulitple partners. On a tiny couch, with a few shirts on. Sexy as HELL!

Stage Eight: Put Down Others

“And then Dumbledore DIES!!!!”
Feeling better than ever, I decide to take it up a notch by making others miserable. This involves telling them the end of Harry Potter books, episodes of Lost, and endings of movies. Notice the horrified faces.

Stage Nine: Bad Person

“It says HERE Sirius should have been way hotter…”
After making those around me miserable, and being alone, I decide to watch Harry Potter movies while reading the books just to be a bitch. Pointing out every wrong detail, I then right everything down, and send it to the director of the movie.

Stage Ten: More Hugging

“I’m still so happy! Spread the Love!!”
After the two mean stages are past, I’m still feeling full of glee and giggles, and I decide to go back to hugging. I also wear a hat in the second hugging stage and look really little.

For Puntabulous’s Stages of Sadness: CLICK HERE!

Well folks, the first day of Spring has come and gone. That means you need to start getting out of your houses and start enjoying the world! I’ve come up with the following guide to help you out of your winter hibernation:

FIRST: DON’T PANIC!

That light in your face is completely normal. It’s called “The Sun”. It’s going to be a little weird at first. The sunlight takes some getting used to. Kinda like Ryan Seacrest’s face.

But before long you’ll realize it isn’t all that bad. Unlike Ryan Seacrest’s face.

NEXT: ENJOY NATURE!

Turn off those television sets and go out and enjoy nature! God didn’t intelligently design nature just for you to sit around watching Golden Girls reruns all day!

But not until after rigorously searching through the TV guide to make sure you have at least a half an hour of time available to spend away from the TV. It’s a Golden Palace marathon instead. Perfect! Now’s your chance to enjoy nature!

Ahhhhh. Doesn’t that feel good? Who needs TV?! Take in nature with all of it’s glorious splendor. God would be proud! (God thinks Golden Palace sucks too.)

FOLLOWED BY: KEEP ACTIVE!

Hula Hooping is a fun and effective way to stay active in the outdoors!

Fuck!

I suck at hula hoops.

THEN: THINK SMART!

If you’re one of those people that’s tied to their jobs (cough! cough! LOSER! cough!) laptops are perfect for getting work done outdoors.

Just make sure you come fully prepared.

LASTLY: BREATHE IT IN!

Yay Spring!

And the bottoms lived happily ever after.

The end.

Goodnight kids.

He’s gone!

What do we do now?

We can start by sucking my dick!

Come on Optimus. We all know you don’t have a dick!

Oh, like you’re one to talk!

Uh…yeah…I kinda am.

I read a statistic on Foxnews.com that 98% of all black people are on Welfare.

Yeah, well I read another statistic that said 99% of all black people don’t know how to read.

Uh oh.

Fuck. Oof. Damn it. Fuck. Ow!

…………………

So what do you want to do, Darth Tater?

Noooooooooooooooo!!!!

Ugh. He’s been like that ever since Craig’s mom put Natalie Portman, his wife, in the garage.

Well I know what always cheers me up.

Who’s got a gerbil?

Shit man, you’re disgusting!

You know what’s really disgusting!? Not helping a friend in need!

Come on man! I’m a turtle! The only dark holes I like to go inside of are my own!

This…is…disgusting. It smells like month old mashed potatoes in here. And I don’t even want to know what I just stepped in! Is that a spare ear? Gross!

Come on! Quit complaining! That smell is completely normal! Now get to work in there! Stretch out! Dig in! Show your host a good time! Doesn’t that feel good Darth?

Impressive. Most impressive.

Previously on PUNTABULOUS INANIMATE OBJECTS.

Regularly in la clase de espanol I do not pay much attencion during libro work. But lately I’ve been looking with my ojos (eyes) through my libro (book) and have been finding some interesting pictures in our text book. And I’d like to know, just what kind of education am I getting here?

The illustration of “ducharse” or “to shower.” Quite sexy for school, eh? If I’m getting sent to the office for my shirt coming slightly (I’m talking a centimeter) over the waistband of my jeans, I want to see some fully clothed kids in my ducharse illustration. Or old people.

Even worse is the hair washing illustration. The guys sitting next to me were in love with this Spanish Muchacha, of course they don’t get any action.

If you’ve been to Memphis, then the image shown in the picture above is common to you-prositute flashing her goods to bring in some business.

Are we learning about people whom are hung over throwing up in the sink? Or are we learning about fruits and bread? Shameless.

Here the pictures take a turn, from trampy, to bad outfits. If this is how they dress in Spanish speaking countries, transfer me to French.

Before: A young couple dreaming of how wonderful children will be.

After: The mother alone, worn down by her children while her husband is out running around with the hooker from a few pictures ago.

In Spanish places, they have robots. Spanish robots. I’m not sure why the robot picture struck me as odd, but I thought it was pretty hilarious.

Last and really least, a flying man. A flying Spanish man. It could be phrased like a vacation/cruise commercial, “Fly to Tropical El Salvador, where all your Espanol dreams will be awakened…” Said in a sexy Spanish man voice (i.e. Antonio…!) and end with a shot of a beach lit by moonlight/fire and some hot half naked man.

Every now and then, I like to go out on the town of Mississippi and enjoy the very exciting things that go on on a day to day basis!

The day started out at Circuit City, where I was obviously a rowdy, no-good, havoc-wreaking teenager, as shown by my sitting in the center of a circle of random TV’s.

Next, I showed how much of a rebel I was by going IN the OUT. I could tell that the people of Circuit City were intimidated by me as everyone walked around me with looks of pure shock upon their faces.

Our next stop was the book store, where I found some very disturbing literature. Who knew that Peanuts had deep meaning! I always thought that they were simple comic strips in the newspaper about an Emo kid with a dog! Crazy Jesus-lovin’ Peanuts!

Shortly after, I found a book that I could really relate to. It touched my soul, and evoked feelings in me that I myself was not aware of before then.

Then I found some boobs in a jar! Some children’s toy!

I later found love with the Elk outside of the hunting store. We were supposed to be married in the Spring, but then…

…Then I found out he had anger issues when he nearly attacked Parker! However, in all fairness, Parker did make a move on me right in front of Elky just after he had proposed.

It wasn’t long after that we fell back into our old habits when finding a collosal sharpie/highlighter display…

We had to jump a fence to get away from our dealers that we hadn’t paid for our drug of choice-office supplies. I got stuck and cried out for help as Parker took a picture.

We found out that if we wanted to continue our Grand Day Out, that we would have to brave various elements throughout the shopping. Perhaps the worst of all-Crocs. The foamy, colorful, rubber, soul-crushing shoe that has swept, if not just Mississippi, the entire Nation. Talk about weapons of mass destruction.

Parker had an unlucky meeting with a Bear. Luckily, I was there to give the bear the beat-down, sadly, no pictures were taken of this event of mass-beating because a random hillbilly approached us, telling us that we “can’t take them there pitchers in this here establisment.***”

A little later, we found an interesting artifact, dating back to possibly 51 AD, a time where the Canine breed actually liked Head Collars, and we were lucky enough to find their favorite, deep in the depths of Petco.

After all the excitement of the day, you can imagine I was pretty tired out, but still fully ready to stick it to the man if I had a chance. This picture was a prime example of multi-tasking. In this tent in the Hunting store, I was not only catching exactly three Z’s, but having an illegal picture taken of me. Take that rednecks!

**Mississippian lingo may have be dramatized for full reader enjoyment.

So my Dad got a scanner for Christmas, which makes this completely self-indulgent post possible.

Here I am the day I was born. My Mom called me “Bruiser” because she said I looked like such a little tough guy. Little did she know the pansy boy she had in store for her!

Not only a pansy buy, but a fatty fatty fat fat baby! Look at the size of that double chin! You may call me Baby the Hutt, silly Jedi!

This is what happens when your Mom goes to the bathroom at a family party and asks her brothers and sisters to watch after me.

The day I was made a Catholic. Don’t I look excited?!

The requisite baby-cleans-himself-in-the-sink picture. (And the closest thing to seeing me naked! Woo!)

The requisite baby-feeds-himself-pasta picture.

This is just to prove that the difference in age between myself and my sister isn’t as large as previously suggested. Whether I was an accident or not is still up for debate.

One of my first memories is celebrating my first birthday with this giant birthday phallus…I mean candle.

My nose has pretty much stayed that same shape and color my entire life.

Apparently when I was little, I would never take that hat off. Now I hate wearing hats since it messes up my beautiful hair!

This is the last time I’m ever seen wearing sports paraphenalia.

Look at that carpet! This is NOT the last time I’m seen wearing a sailor suit. But nowadays it’s only for special ocassions. Wink.

The awfulness of that hat is only rivalled by the awfulness of our front lawn. The neighbors must have hated us back then.

Paper bunny ears. The root of all my gayness.

It took a while before I got used to the whole school picture thing. “Smile! Come on Craig! Give us a smile! Oh Fuck it, just take the damn picture.”

Still not sure how I feel about the whole thing. This year I decided to go with a deer-in-headlights look.

Slightly better. Good job with the sweater and collars Craig! Keep it up!

Wow! What do you know! A smile!

Still not so sure about the whole religion thing.

I can’t believe I’m sharing this ridiculously dorky picture of me. It was my first day of karate. I totally thought I was a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger.

Here is where I would go into detail about my awkward adolescent years, but I seem to be experiencing technical difficulties.

Oh okay, we’re up and running again. Fshew! Look at that stud!

And finally, my senior picture. The rest is history.

Sorry for the light posting on my end folks. I’ve been pretty busy with the holidays and such. Here’s a run down of the latest Puntabulous activities:

First there was the company Christmas party that I previously wrote about.

In this picture you’ll see someone in a Santa hat checking their crackberry, and three sets of antlers, including one badass wearing them backwards! Holla! You may also notice someone suspicious lurking in the corner of this picture.

WITH CRAZY EVIL EYES! I always have ridiculous red eyes. Why is that? Is the camera peering into my soul? Seeing my true, inner self?

EEK!

Then there was Wendy and Rob’s lovely wedding. Here is the happy couple! The pictures didn’t come out so great. I always psych myself up for taking pictures during ceremonies, then as soon as I hit the button I regret it because I feel as though my camera has the biggest, most enormous flash in the whole wide world, and everyone can see me and thinks: “Who is that rude person taking pictures during this solemn occasion? Oh, it’s Craig. Who let him in here? He is an idiot.” So I get embarrassed and take less pictures. I need to be more like my mom. She has no problem whipping out the camera and snapping away. She’d ask the Pope to move over for a better shot. Or maybe I’ll just invite her to these things as my date. You know, like Kevin Spacey!

Here is the other happy couple!

I’m pretty sure I warned Robin I was taking this picture, so I can’t explain her expression. It’s still a nice picture though.

Here she’s at least looking at the camera, although slightly smug looking. Which is still far better than my drunken red face. That’s the problem with having clear skin. “Clear” meaning “translucent”, not free of blemishes of course!

Unfortunately, Wendy’s parents were unable to attend the wedding, so Wendy asked me to step in for the Father/Daughter dance. What an honor! We practiced our awkward swaying back and forth for months to get it just right! We danced to our song “Hallelujah” by Rufus Wainwright. Sweet!

A great time was had by all!