Puntabulous

1. I’ve watched 8 episodes of Torchwood so far and I still love it. Countrycide was an amazing episode! So creepy, and I love the way they left things unexplained. And I have to say, even though I’m not exactly sure of what his role at Torchwood is (butler?) I think Ianto is my favorite character.

2. The other day I fell asleep on the train going home from work like I normally do, but this time I was in an aisle seat instead of a window one. I awoke to something rustling in my hair and it turns out I was completely leaning over into the aisle (nearly sideways) and the rustling in my hair was people trying to squeeze passed through the aisle. I opened my eyes and saw someone on the other side of the train looking at me and smiling (also known as “mocking with thine mouth”).

3. Can the Heroes writers please figure out what they want to do with Hiro? He was such a great character first season, and with the glimpse we saw of him in the future, he had the potential to evolve into an amazing badass. But now he is just floundering in uselessness. Granted, the future that made Hiro become such a badass was averted, there should still be a hint of that awesome Hiro from the future inside of him. Not a 10 year old.

4. The America’s Next Top Model finale is on tonight. My money is on McKey.

5. I have 31 Puntabulous People so far. And they are great! I can’t wait to share them with you on Friday! Please consider submitting one if you haven’t already! I’ll need them by Thursday evening in time to add them to Friday’s post. I’m also thinking of posting the drawings of people with blogs in my blogroll. I think it’ll spice up my horridly long blogroll and help the readers with blogs who submitted drawings stand out. Good idea?

I’m still on the online dating scene. No, I haven’t gone on any dates yet, but there are a few possibilities. Don’t worry, as soon as I go on a date, you’ll be the first to know. But looking through profiles got me thinking of what kind of person I’m looking for, and what characteristics would lead to an automatic deal breaker. Here are some real (and hypothetical) ones I’ve come across online and previously in real life:

Read Actual Books. Oh dear lord, do not list magazines in the “favorite books” portion of your online profile. I’m not saying you have to be a book worm, but it would be nice if you’ve read at least one book in the past year. Or at least brought a book with you on your last vacation, even if you never got around to actually reading it.

Have Pictures. This one is strictly an online profile pet peeve. But seriously, have pictures. Having to ask for them is awkward and makes me feel more superficial than I really am. In order to avoid that unpleasantness, if you message me and you don’t have pictures, I will just ignore you, which somehow makes me not feel as superficial.

Smokers. We all have our vices, and yeah, that Big Mac isn’t doing me any favors, but smoking is just lame. And I don’t care how much gum you chew afterwards, I can still taste it on you. Gross.

Weird Collectibles. Okay, let’s say you go on a date. Everything goes wonderfully. Afterwards he invites you in for a drink. No hanky panky! You have your well prepared drink in hand while he shows you around his beautiful place. And then he shows you the display cabinet with his Precious Moments collectible statues collection, where you quickly count over a hundred creepily cutesy big-eyed kids reenacting every possible life experience before your very eyes. Oh, and he tells you there are more in boxes in the garage, but he ran out of room in the display cabinet. And then there’s more in the bedroom, which you only saw on the tour, and not because you broke your no hanky panky rule. And yes, you have a 20th Anniversary Optimus Prime figure, which you cherish, but it’s in your closet (out of the box!) and only occasionally played with. Baseball cards? Comic books? Sure, I can handle it. But some things are just not meant to be collected by normal people.

Be Well Groomed. Short, clean fingernails are well appreciated.

But Not Over-Groomed. Don’t have girl eyebrows. Thanks.

College Education. This one’s a bit dicey. There are a lot of reasons why people didn’t or can’t go to college. Not everyone has the support in their lives to make it an expected next step after high school. But I think it’s the aspirations that matter most. If they didn’t go because they had to get a job right out of high school due to financial or other issues, but they’ve always planned on going back at some point, that’s one thing. But if they went for a semester and dropped out because a professor was giving them too much homework, and they don’t plan on ever going back, then that’s another.

Doesn’t have a driver’s license. This is a random one, but can you date someone who doesn’t — and will never — drive? I guess it’s a different thing if you live in the city, but I’m a suburbs kinda guy. I tried the city for a year and detested it, with a large part having to do with relying on unreliable public transportation. Being able to drive myself around is essential to my life. And sure, picking someone up to go on a date certainly isn’t a disaster. But always having to be the driver? What about years from now when we’re married? I can’t always be the driver. Going on long car trips and not being able to tag out when you get tired? That just sounds rough, especially for me who hates driving for long periods of time. And what if we’re home alone and I have a heart attack and needed to get to the hospital? They can’t drive me there! I’d die! I know a few older couples where one of the partners doesn’t drive and they make it work. I just don’t know if I can.

Different Job Schedules. I leave the house at 5, work 7 to 5, and get home at 7 every Monday through Friday. I’m sorry you had that day off, but after a long day of work, I don’t want to hang out with you. I want to get into my pajamas and watch TV. And no, I don’t want to meet up at 11 on Saturday night after you get off from work either.

Lives with his Parents. Okay fine, so we’re not all perfect. I’m twenty-seven and I still live with my parents. It’s not that I can’t live on my own, it’s just that I choose not to right now. I’d rather save up for a house rather than rent at the moment, thank you very much. I always get one of two reactions when I tell people I still live at home. It’s either 1) Passive Aggressive Disgust “Does your mom still make your lunch? LOL!” 2) Envy “Oh you’re so lucky! I would totally still live with my parents if I could.” What about you? Is it a deal breaker if they still live at home?

There we have it. Writing out this list makes me feel like a conceited bastard, but I don’t think anything here is too outrageous to expect in a date. And keep in mind this list doesn’t take into account the x-factor, the butterflies in the stomach, or any of those other dreaded swoon-inducing qualities that make you go “dang!”

So what are your dating deal breakers?

So we all pretend to hate being tagged, but we secretly love it because BAM! instant blog topic. And I had the luck of being tagged twice in one week. First I got tagged by Himbo over at Confessions of a Fantabulous Himbo and I’m supposed to list six non-important things/habits/quirks about myself:

1. I’m allergic to red food coloring. I can handle red M&Ms, but red drinks, and too many of those marchiano cherries send me over the edge. I told you red was the worst color.

2. Even though I have a full-sized big boy bed , I only sleep on one side of the bed, as if it were a twin.

3. My favorite dinosaur is the Tyrannosaurus Rex, but sometimes I say it’s the Parasaurolophus, just so I can show off my knowledge of dinosaurs, plus it’s fun to say.

4. I hate when people push the close door button in elevators. They never work people! They’re just for show!

5. I get unreasonably nervous on the subway if it’s about to start moving and I see a wobbly-legged tourist heading to an empty seat to sit down. I yell at the top of my lungs (in my head): “Quick! Sit down! Sit down! Sit down!”. Because if they don’t sit down, they’ll fall over when the subway starts. And I may or may not know how embarrassing that can be.

6. When I play board games I like to be the blue piece. In Monopoly, I like to be the dog. In Clue, I like to be Colonel Mustard (though when I was little, being the youngest meant picking last and I usually had to be Mrs. White). Which pieces do you guys like to be?

Then I got tagged by Sam over at Sam.I.Am. and I’m supposed to list five of my addictions:

1. Star Wars Expanded Universe novels. I bought so many that I still haven’t read, but I buy them all anyway. The new one comes out today! I’ll be going out on my lunch break to pick it up.

2. I love looking up real estate. I can sit in front of the computer for hours just looking at apartments, condos, and houses. Even ones that I could never afford in a million years. It’s just nice to dream.

3. I’ve been addicted to Juliet’s blog Evolving Revolver lately. You remember her from my Oprah vs Martha Stewart debate, right? Well she’s currently living in France and her stories make me happy.

4. THIS.

5. Argyle. How could I leave this off the list? I have just about every color combination imaginable, but I’ve already bought three new ones at Target last weekend and two zipper ups from Kohls, and it’s not even November yet.

Alright, so I’m not going to tag anyone, but if you have a blog, and you think this looks like fun, you’re welcome to tag yourselves in the comment section.

Anyone who knows me knows I hate talking about politics, which is why you’ll never see me talking about them (it?) on here. This post is a list of things I find irritating about politics and things I find wrong with both parties. Examples I use should in no way be interpreted as my personal viewpoint or endorsement. Try and keep your comments general in regards to what you don’t like about politics and not about a specific party. It’s just not how I roll. So here goes.

Here are some things that bug me about politics:

The Extremes: Are there no republicans or democrats anymore? Why is everyone conservative or liberal? I hate the idea that you’re not a proper republican or democrat unless you’re far conservative or liberal.

The Insults: Whenever politicians want to prove that they’re just like us they either go to a seedy bar and drink a shot of whiskey, or go buck hunting. Is that all us average Americans are into? Drinking and hunting? Don’t you find that a tad insulting? How about taking a break from the campaign to see The Dark Knight? I’d be impressed!

The Debating: Is anyone ever gonna be like: “Oh! That’s why you’re for abortion? I never thought of that before! I’m totally Pro-Choice now!” No. Not gonna happen. So how about everyone just shuts their traps?

The Cattiness: A few years ago I heard someone on the train say: “Yeah, I’m gonna go see Passion of the Christ because I’m curious, but I’m gonna buy a ticket for another movie because I don’t want to show it any support.” Um, what? Don’t be a dick. Oh, and did you know that “Obama Nation” is a play on the word “Abomination”? I just figured that out. I’m a little slow. Isn’t that the most ridiculous play on words ever?

The Hyperbole: “He scares the crap out of me!” Really? You know what scares me? People who punch kittens in the face. I’m pretty sure both candidates are really nice people. How about: “I really hope he doesn’t win.”

The Hypocrisy: “The children of the candidates are off limits!” Unless they’re pocket-sized and adorable and say cute things, or if they’re going off to fight in Iraq, or if they make good photo-ops.

The Definitions: I understand that by definition reporters are supposed to be impartial while commentators are allowed to be partial. But to me, anyone in the newspaper, or on the TV or radio giving me news is a reporter and shouldn’t be partial. You know what they say: “A rose by any other name would still have let go of Jack’s hand.” Or something.

The Life or Death Stakes: Oh my god! This is the most important election ever in the history of elections! Whoever wins, the world will implode upon itself just as the other party had tried to warn you about! Why didn’t you listen?! You bastard! Also, your life is so frakked up, that you need a new president to fix everything for you, which again goes back to the insulting aspect.

Okay fine, you want to know who I’m endorsing? I’m campaigning for a Michelle Obama/Sarah Palin co-president ticket, like some sort of Amazonian society that you’d see on episode of Star Trek. I bow down to our sassy overlords! And if they ever disagree on a topic, they can settle it with a bikini mud wrestling match. You say sexist, I say patriotic!

I make no secret of my fascination with online personal ads. I love them. And the trashier the better! I don’t meet people from them, I just enjoy them for their entertainment value. It’s like people-watching from the comfort of my own home! Like going to Central Park in your feetie pajamas, if you will. After reading my fair share of personal ads, I’ve come across a lot of the same terms and phrases and decided to give you a handy guide to understanding them:

Boi: It’s like “boy” but with an i! Because boy just takes so long to type, they needed to shorten it. Oh wait. No. It’s not shortened at all. It’s exactly the same amount of letters. So, um, what’s the point? And tell me which is worse: A 30 year old man calling themselves a boi (conceited!) or a 50 year old man in search of a boi (creepy!)?

Vers: Short for “versatile”, this means that they enjoy giving as much as receiving, which — contrary to how it sounds — has nothing to do with the Christmas spirit. Oh, and they’re probably lying to make themselves seem more appealing.

Fun: “Fun” doesn’t mean a rousing game of Hungry Hungry Hippos. It means sex. However you can guarantee that balls will be going into mouths.

Maybe More: As in “looking for friends, maybe more” which means “under no circumstances do I want a relationship, I’m just saying it’s a possibility so we can keep getting it on.”

Discreet: Married.

VGL: “Very Good Looking”. What ever happened to a little modesty? Everyone knows that if you’re asked to rate your looks on a scale of 1 to 10, you’re supposed to bring your personal opinion down two notches, and allow the other person to say “Oh no! You’re much higher than that!” But if anyone ever writes just GL, then you’re in trouble, because they’re probably uggo.

Masc: Short for “masculine”. When describing themselves, people enjoy throwing around the word “masculine”, not because they enjoy monster truck rallies and deer hunting. It just means they’re not one of those homos you can see floating down the street from a mile away, and you better not be one either.

No Drama: Doesn’t everyone hate drama? Has anyone ever said “I love drama!” as in “If you try and break it off with me, I’ll call you every fifteen minutes and show up at your place of work!” Saying “no drama” is useless because humans are dramatic creatures by nature, and it is ridiculous to just say “no drama” and expect people to obey. Oh, and people who say they hate drama, are the most dramatic queens you’ll ever meet.

NSA: “No Strings Attached”. Like the first single of the NSync album of the same name, they will be saying “Bye Bye Bye” before your head even hits the pillow.

LTR: “Long Term Relationship”. Long is all relative. Uness you ask for it in inches. Even then, it’s still a bit iffy.

Fats: As in “No fats!” as in “I’m super gorgeous and only want other super gorgeous people to reply to me, and even the idea of deleting your fat, disgusting message to me makes me want to binge and purge.” Using the word fat in this way makes me think of potato chip bags that say “No Trans Fats Added!” Why not say “fatties”? We all know what you mean, and you’re obviously throwing all sense of politeness out the window, so why not just go the whole nine yards? Besides, who doesn’t like a little cushion with their pushin?

Open-minded: Don’t be alarmed if I ask you to pee on me.

What have been your experiences with personal ads? Any terms I’m forgetting?

AKA An excuse to write about movies I have recently seen

1. Funniest deleted scene - Pink Panther

As much of a Steve Martin fan as I am, I had heard such bad things about the remake of the Pink Panther I put off seeing it. To my delight, it was funny and surprisingly sentimental. It was directed by Shawn Levy (Cheaper by the Dozen, Night at the Museum) who has a history of infusing comedies with that warm and fuzzy feeling. Steve Martin becomes his own unique and appealing Inspector Clouseau. His accent and pathetic attempts to say “I want to buy a hamburger” alone is hilarious. Jean Reno is a perfect straight man partner for him. An unexpected cameo by Jason Statham and some laugh out loud moments (try keeping a straight face when they dance in that “camouflage”) also make it worth watching. But the award I would give it however would be funniest deleted scene. It’s two parts where Clouseau accidentally makes the molding of the arch in Kevin Kline’s office fall down. The second time it falls to the floor, he declares “This is where it wants to be.” It reminds me of my favorite line from Twins when Arnold says upon tripping a pedestrian “The pavement was his enemy.” Ok, so neither of those moments reads as funny as they are. Go ahead and judge for yourself. It may not be as awesome as the new Get Smart but I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.

2. Most Unnecessary Camerawork - Sleuth

For me, Kenneth Branagh is the greatest living director on the planet. Michael Caine is one of the greatest actors on the planet. And Jude Law is so gorgeous, I could watch him all day long. What could possibly go wrong with the remake of Sleuth? Camerawork. Angles from above, angles from below, angles from below the waist, angle in on a single eye, angles in mirrors. Ken, Ken, Ken what were you thinking? You didn’t have to do anything (except write a better ending) to make these two actors in one house more interesting.

3. Creepiest, Cheesiest special effect - Solstice

Solstice is a fairly good direct to DVD horror movie from the makers of The Blair Witch Project. It’s about a girl who goes to a cabin with a group of friends and starts seeing what she believes is her sister who recently committed suicide. It has a likable cast (including Shawn Ashmore of Smallville), interesting mystery and one of the cheesiest special fx I’ve seen outside of Scifi Channel. Basically it was a black shadow (shaped like a Pacman ghost?) with glowing eyes. The weird thing is how much it creeped me out. The only thing I could think of was that it was closer to things I’ve thought I’ve seen when I was kid. Things from my child’s imagination that terrified me. I never saw a little girl with inexplicably unwashed hair over her face or a boy saying “Redrum! Redrum!”. In the dark of the basement or shed it was the shadows that scared me. The ones that seemed to turn to look at me. Was it really low budget and cheesy? Yes. Laughable? Pretty much. Creepy? Definitely.

4. Most self indulgent annoying performance - Julia Roberts in Oceans 12

Oceans 11 & 13 were entertaining but 12 should be skipped for a muddled plot and most of all for an incredibly annoying scene with Julia Roberts playing a character who is playing - Julia Roberts. It’s something that’s been done before such as in the otherwise superb show Due South which referred to Leslie Neilson’s character as looking like Leslie Neilson. But never have I seen it done for as long or as self indulgently as Julia Roberts’ performance. First there are unheard whispers about who this character looks like and should pretend to be in order to further their diamond heist. She coyly protests, “Oh no! I don’t look a thing like her!” They insist “Oh yes - it will work!” Reluctantly she agrees to pretend to be - surprise! Julia Roberts! The “joke” goes even further when she runs into Bruce Willis playing himself, mistaking her for Yes! Julia Roberts! Not only did it completely take me out of the movie, it aggravated the heck out of me. If I had been eating popcorn I would have thrown it at the screen.

5. American version better than Asian Version - The Eye

Often when the American movie machine gets a hold of an already well done foreign movie, it grinds it down til it’s a poor imitation of the original. Not so with the American version of The Eye. I saw the Asian version one day on IFC and enjoyed it. It was a ghost story in which the main character receives a donor pair of eyes and begins seeing dead people. It wasn’t jump out of your seat scary as much as sinisterly atmospheric. My only problem was the ending left me a little confused. Like most Asian horror movies, it was purposely abstract. The American version starred the immensely watchable Jessica Alba. The apparitions in it weren’t as frightening but the story was more understandable and the ending ultimately more satisfying. It was actually very touching and made me teary, something few horror movies do.

6. & 7. The “Get me the Hell out of this car” award:

There are many many great chase scenes and now with computer fx things can be done that couldn’t before. Some work, some don’t. The best still remain the ones that are actually done live. Lately they have developed new cameras that they can place inside cars during the chases and crashes. It really makes you feel like you are in the car with the driver. Two movies have used this technique to effectively unsettling results. The first is The Bourne Supremacy, the middle movie in the Bourne trilogy. There is a long car chase down narrow streets and across a 12 lane highway! For most of the chase, you feel like you are in the car with Matt Damon, shifting his gears, looking in his mirrors etc. By the time you hit the huge climax in a tunnel, you feel like you’re as beat up as his borrowed taxi-cab.

The other movie is We Own the Night, a gritty crime drama with Mark Walhberg and Joaquin Phoenix playing brothers on opposite sides of the law. There is a shocking car chase that takes place at night - in the pouring rain, shown totally from Joaquin’s point of view in his car. It’s unique and very disturbing. Neither of these descriptions do them justice, you have to rent them, experience them and then I bet you too will be saying “Get me the Hell Out of This Car!”

8. The “Get Me the Hell Out of this Movie” award:

As I’ve said before, I love scary movies. I love to be scared in scary movies. But once in a while comes a scene where the only thing keeping me in the seat is the death grip I have on the arm rests. The first time it happened to me was in Platoon when they were beating the villagers with their guns. I squirmed in my seat and kept looking at the exit as if I could will myself out of the theatre. The entire movie had been excruciatingly realistic, painful to watch and that particular scene was the worst. I wanted to stay because I felt it was an important movie, one I could learn from. It wasn’t a movie made to entertain.

That’s why I decided to give the award instead to a movie that was meant to entertain, The Descent, a horror movie about cave divers getting lost and encountering monsters. The one funny thing about the movie was that the monsters weren’t nearly as scary as the teeny tiny caves that they were trying to get through. For someone who is very claustrophobic (me me me) the scene in which one of the women gets stuck in a deep dark narrow tunnel was nauseating. Other movies not for the phobically inclined include Arachnophobia (spiders! Yick!) and the middle segment of Cat’s Eye with Robert Hays on a dizzingly high ledge.

9. Best DVD Revelation - Cloverfield

Cloverfield is one of my favorite movies of the year, containing one of my favorite monsters. I know many people couldn’t take the home video aspect, but for me that made it even more engrossing. I felt like I was actually there. I was certain that it would lose it’s effect on the small screen but happily it didn’t. I was just as absorbed. I was also able to stop, pause, slow mo- the scenes with the monster getting a better look and appreciation for it. The most interesting part for me though was the behind the scenes featurette which not only gave me a much better view of the entire monster, it revealed intriguing plot points that could easily be missed or didn’t make it into the movie at all. I won’t give it all away except for one tiny thing. It’s a baby! The humongous monster is only a infant and it’s rampaging the city is merely the actions of a poor scared baby monster crying out for it’s mommy! The creature fx people said they did this because they believed nothing could be worse than what a frightened trapped animal could do. Now I think it’s cute! Don’t you?

10. “Why don’t they have this feature on all DVDs?” award goes to Planet Terror

DVDs contain all kinds of special features: , director’s cuts, behind the scenes, commentaries, interviews and so on. A unique but kind of cute option on the Cabin Fever DVD, is called “Chick Vision”. With this feature activated, a pair of hands covers the screen during the scary extremely gory moments so you don’t have to cover your own eyes. It’s a cute if sexistly titled gimmick. The Return to House on Haunted Hill and Final Destination 3 both have little questions appear during the movie giving you different options such as being able to choose who lives or dies. It’s like a live version of those old “Choose your own adventure” books. This could be a very cool feature if only it was put in better movies.

But the award for “Why don’t they have that on all DVDs” definitely goes to Planet Terror because one of the audio tracks is an audience watching the movie along with you, recreating the excitement that one feels when you see a great movie with a large audience. Planet Terror is the perfect movie for this because it is made in the 70’s tradition with B movie gore thrown in (and over and around and..) It’s a great action-dark comedy-zombie movie. All the gasps, squeals and “ewwwww”s heard during the opening scene involving balls (not the bouncy kind) made it all the more funny and let you know right away what the tone of the movie is. People laughed at the appropriate parts and you can hear them scream or jump at the scares. Best of all - in the final action scene you can hear all the huge cheers, whooping and clapping when Rose McGowan turns her “disability” (lost leg) into her power (machine gun), she kicks major ass to save the day. The scene completely rocks and the ability to be able to share that experience over and over with an audience while in my own home is truly awesome.

1. After my morning cup of coffee, I like to have a glass of Tropicana orange juice. Does the sugar in orange juice counteract any health benefits?

2. I’ve been obsessed with my new and improved love handles. Can I cause kidney damage by poking them so much?

3. Gay guys aren’t superficial, right? They will love me for my big, sexy brain? Related: How rich do I have to be before people don’t care how fat I am?

4. Why are Wii Fits sold out everywhere? Can someone get me one? Is it pathetic that I think a Wii Fit will help?

5. If I concentrate really hard, can I have Will’s body from So You Think You can Dance?

Picture from wonderfully talented Puntabulous reader Matt from Michigan.

6. I’ve given up soda except on special occasions (pizza, long car trips, movies) and eating after 8:00PM. Can someone please give me a pat on the back?

7. Which should be made a priority before going on my cruise? My softness? Or my shoulder hair?

8. If I get the size 34 pants to my suit let out because the last two times I wore it I wanted to shoot myself in the face, but the label still says 34, can I still say they’re size 34 pants?

9. What other nuggets of health and fitness knowledge can you pass on to a dorky boy such as myself?

10. How long can I ask questions such as these, while avoiding the whole “working out” issue, before you guys lose respect for me?

1. Cell phones ruin pool parties. Remember the good old days when you could push people into the water at pool parties? Not anymore! Yeah, pushing people who already have their bathing suits on is fine and all, but the real joy is getting three of your friends to hoist up an unsuspecting victim and throw them fully clothed into the water. However these days, everyone has a cell phone in their pocket. So if you try and throw them into the pool, they become a thrashing mess screaming “My cell phone! My cell phone!” Not fun.

2. People aren’t as awesome as you. Yes, yes, I know. You’re awesome. You’re not the problem. It’s the other guy. But to everyone else, you’re the other guy. The guy who has to let his friends know which movie theater he’s in. Or the woman who calls her credit card company on the quiet train.

3. You are always reachable. We all know that the 9 to 5 is long gone. It’s more like 8 to 5, or 9 to 6. But now with cell phones it almost like you’re on duty 24 hours a day! We even put our cell phone numbers on our business cards! Our personal cell phone on our business cards! If you can’t reach me on my work number, I’m either not at work or I’m busy. Don’t call me on my cell phone. I hate to break it to you, but just because I gave you my business card doesn’t mean you’re my number one priority.

4. Text messaging makes you a bad speller. c hw annying dis is? y do ppl talk like dis? What is it about cell phones that makes us talk like why were raised in the wild? “me tarzan. me c jane l8r?” My sister Amanda is a middle school social studies teacher and she says that her students will sometimes forget what they’re doing and use text language in their essays!

5. Cell phones make you an asshole. You may appear to be a reasonable person. But if you have the ability to check your email whenever you want. You will do it. A lot. No matter where you are. No matter how many friends you’re surrounded by. The temptation is just too irresistible. Who cares if your friend is talking to you? The idea of spam building up in your inbox makes you wet yourself.

6. Cell phones make you a paranoid wreck. Yeah, you’ve read the reports that cell phones don’t really give you cancer, so you feel safe keeping it in your pocket. But you’ve also seen the reports saying that drinking coffee is good for you, wait no, its bad for you, oh wait, sorry, its good for you again. These people don’t know what the hell they’re talking about. And every time you get a text message, your leg starts to tingle.

Have any you’d care to add?

1. Smokers who take smoke breaks at work. It was annoying when I was a bus boy and I had to clean up more tables because the other bus boys were taking their smoke break. But it’s possibly more annoying now, working in a New York City office building where the elevator ride makes each break a 20 minute excursion.

2. People who have enormous umbrellas. What? You can’t get a single drop on you? Seriously, next time it rains I’m going to take the umbrella from our patio furniture and go stomping down a crowded sidewalk and see how they like it.

3. I’m also not crazy about the 20 pounds I’ve gained in the last year. My mom can’t stop going on about how much she loves it and how much better I look. She should feel how I feel in my pants. Especially my jeans after they’ve come out of the wash! She also enjoys calling it the “secretary spread” because all I do is sit at my desk all day. Which makes me feel so much better about it. Maybe I need to start workin out? Or I could just wait until my pants can’t take it any longer and the button pops off and takes out someone’s eye and the state of New York mandates that I exercise for the good of public safety.

4. Two weeks until the next LOST? How come no one told me this before? I was left feeling cold and betrayed when the LOST announcer guy was like: “The season finale of LOST in two weeks! At a special time!”. Special, my ass! And how come I always write LOST in capital letters? It’s not like it’s anagram or anything. I guess it’s because of the wooshing logo in the beginning. And Lost just doesn’t look right.

5. Can you please just tell us when the second half of the current season of Battlestar Galactica will be airing? If you’re going to push it back to 2009, at least tell me now so I can prepare myself. I don’t do well when my TV schedule is thrust upon me without my prior consent (see above). As a public service I’d like to inform you that there is no Battlestar Galactica next week. They’re taking a break for Memorial Day. As if we actually do anything on Memorial Day weekend.

And just so I’m not a complete Negative Nellie today, here’s another Battlestar Galactica LOLCat:

Today I welcome back my cousin Michelle, who you may remember from our debate over Which is the Best Muppet and from her previous post about Movie Monsters. Today she’s posting about Memorable Movie Endings, which she does completely spoiler-free!

1. Twist Endings: the good and bad:
Growing up watching the Twilight Zone on video has both it’s pluses and minuses. On the one hand it made me appreciate a great twist but on the other it made it more difficult to be surprised. Cases in point - “The Sixth Sense” and “Identity”. Both great movies, particularly the latter because I love John Cusack and creepy hotels with people being killed one by one. Unfortunately, unlike many, I guessed the end in the first 10 minutes. Maybe it’s that my mind has become twisted by both The Zone and David Lynch movies. “Lost Highway” is another that I figured out early on. I still enjoy all those movies but I do miss having the “A-HA!” moment that others have. It does make me appreciate all the more those movies that do that for me like any Agatha Christie. She pulled the “Usual Suspects” twist first and the astonishing revelation at the end of “Murder on the Orient Express” left me dropped jawed. “Primal Fear” with Richard Gere defending Ed Norton and “Jacob’s Ladder” with Tim Robbins as a Vietnam vet also did manage to surprise me.

2. Shocking Ends that spoiled the rest for me:
The ending that I absolutely never saw coming was “The Mist” I’m fairly certain there has never been an ending like it before or since. Stephen King had left the short story open and believe me, I would much have preferred that. The real bummer for me was that I was really enjoying the movie up until that point. The characters were interesting, the monsters were scary, the people’s reactions were horrifying. Then BOOM! The end hit me like a ton of elephants. Despite it being ironic and very Twilight Zone-ish it left me feeling disturbed. The only ending that I have found worse was “The Life and Death of David Gale” containing a scene so vile I wish I had never seen it. But there was nothing redeemable about that movie for me. At least “The Mist” was worth watching.

3. Movies that made me cheer:
On to the other end of the spectrum are those super movies that make you cheer at the end. There are few experiences greater than being in a huge audience watching “Star Wars”, “Aliens”, or “The Karate Kid”. The clapping, hooting and stomping of feet that always came at the final scenes lifts the spirit and brings a lump to the thought and/or streaming tears. I sadly never saw “Jaws” in the movies but I’m told that it brought about the same reaction. If you are one of the three people who never saw those movies - RENT THEM NOW!

4. Endings that I can watch over and over:
Two lesser known movies that I would also heartily recommend are “Two Brothers” and “Hero At Large” Unlike the ones above these I can simply watch the last ten minutes and get that warm and fuzzy feeling. “Two Brothers” is about tigers that are separated when cubs and are brought together in a Gladiator style fight as adults. The movie does contain heartbreaking scenes when they are being mistreated by their human captors. But the ending is so sentimental and uplifting, it makes the whole thing worthwhile. “Hero at Large” is a movie with John Ritter playing a normal guy who dons a hero costume and decides to fight crime on his own. I remember watching the last ten minutes of this movie dozens of times when I was a kid, any time I needed a pick me up.

5. Oh, Come On! or “St. Elsewhere” Endings:
These are endings that some consider a twist, but what I say - Nay! Thou has undone everything that I have seen up til now. Movies like “The Game” with Michael Douglas, M. Night’s “The Village” or the old slasher film “April Fool’s Day”. Movies that don’t make me feel fooled as much as a fool. “The Village” was the most disappointing because I’m a fan of M. Night and it was advertised as being a horror movie. Instead it was more of a social commentary drama, not scary with an ending that made me groan. Better more intelligent movies such as “Donnie Darko” and “Mulhulland Drive” make you rethink everything that you’ve seen on the second viewing. But they don’t make you feel cheated and are therefore worth that second and third viewing.

6. Movies that make you feel like a bloodthirsty roman…in a good way:
These are the ‘revenge’ or standing up for yourself movies. Movies which bring out that primal instinct that we don’t want to admit having. Movies that make you cheer “Yah! Get ‘em!” or something like that at the end when the villain finally gets their comeuppance. Though I’m not a Jodie Foster fan, I did enjoy “The Brave One”. I mean who couldn’t like a heroine who growls “I want my dog back!” before dispatching one of the baddies. Also not crazy about Julia Roberts but the end of “Sleeping with the Enemy” gave me a similar feeling with her last line (which I won’t give away). There’s another old movie, “Defiance” with Jan Michael Vincent that we used to love as kids where he helps the townspeople stand up to a gang. It’s a serious version of “Blazing Saddles” or “The Three Amigos” (which I love). The movie “Death Sentence” with Kevin Bacon has a more realistic end to the tale of vengeance. But who wants realism in a movie like this? Give me my Kirk kicking Klingon off the cliff “I’ve had about enough of you” moment any day.

7. Movies that left me completely creeped out:
I love horror movies. “The Shining”, “The Exorcist” truly scared me so I can’t watch them that often. “Poltergeist”, “Jaws”, “JoyRide” and most recently “1408″ on the other hand scared me but they were just plain fun too. I can watch them time and time again. They leave you feeling scared but overall good at the end. Then there are those movies whose endings left me feeling completely creeped out like “The Ring”, “Dead Silence” and “May”. I saw “The Ring” in the movies and when the girl crawled out of the TV, I literally put my arms up in front of my face as if someone was trying to whack me on the head. It’s one of the only movies that gave me nightmares for days after. The director of “Saw” made “Dead Silence”. There aren’t many things creepier than ventriloquist dummies and the flashback end was surprising and ick-y. “May” is an independent and little known movie about a shy girl with an obsession for dolls who begins a gory search for the “perfect” guy. The final scene of this one had an even higher ick factor then “Dead Silence”. These are movies that keep giving you a chill on the back of your neck long after.

8. Endings that Make the Movie:
Ones that first come to mind are “The Royal Tennanbaums”, “Little Miss Sunshine” and “Wild at Heart”. The first two are both stories of dysfunctional families that come together in unexpectedly sentimental ways. “Little Miss Sunshine” is great from the start but the ending puts it over the top in my mind. “The Royal Tennanbaums”, I only enjoyed after seeing the ending. “Wild at Heart” (yet another David Lynch) is filled with crazy offbeat characters that you’re not even sure you like at first. But they grow on you and the movie has one of the most romantic endings ever. “Splash” being runner up.

9. Endings that make you cry and cry and…cry:
There are two types of movies that fall into this category - the difference between a good cry and a bad cry. Movies like “E.T.”, “Glory”, “Lassie” and “The Muppet Movie” (any Jim Henson will reduce me to tears) all made me cry but left me feeling good after. A bad cry to me is one that leaves me feeling down. Three that come to mind are “Phenomenon”, “My Life” and “Sunshine”. “Phenomenon” has John Travolta seeing a flash in the sky and then becoming smarter and smarter. It’s like “Flowers for Algernon” if anyone knows that. As much as I love John Travolta the ending leaves me feeling incredibly down. “Sunshine” is a sci-fi movie about a team going into space to reignite the sun and save the earth. It’s a fantastic story with great actors (Cillian Murphy & Chris Evans), is very suspenseful. I can’t even say the ending was bad but it left me in a puddle of tears. At least one knows what they are in for with “My Life” (Michael Keaton as a cancer patient who makes home movies so his new born son will know him). I sat in my car for 15 minutes after the movie ended bawling my eyes out. I would recommend all those movies but with a warning, you will want to have a feel good movie like “Snow Buddies” handy to recover after.

10. Best Climactic Revelation Endings:
Many movies have big revelations at the end, but few are as memorable and supercharged as “Saw”, “Signs” and “Dead Again” They have not so much endings as Grand Finales. “Saw” is the most notorious with it’s keep you guessing who is the villain plot. Like “Dead Silence” it’s revealed in fast paced dizzying editing with soaring music. Even though it was completely ghoulish, the directing makes you feel like it’s a triumph (of who I won’t say). “Signs” was one of the most beautiful and spiritual endings, everything coming together and displaying a message of hope that there is a reason for everything. Kenneth Branagh’s “Dead Again” is one of my top faves of all time and it’s largely due to the finale. Switching between flashbacks and present, the murderer is revealed and another key twist occurs, all the while the heroes are fighting for their lives. Patrick Doyle’s score is simply amazing adding that great orchestral crescendo. Again if you haven’t seen that one - RENT IT NOW!

WHICH MOVIE ENDINGS DO YOU GUYS LIKE?

My reading time on the train - My train rides in the morning and evening are generally an hour long. Fifty of those well-intentioned minutes are spent sleeping. But those first 10 blissful minutes are spent reading my book. I’m all alone in a sea of other commuters. No one can get to me. No work. No responsibility. No stress. Just me and my book. What a joyous ten minutes those are! And then I pass out.

Little kids who wear glasses - Seriously. Is there anything cuter than a 3 year old in glasses? And OMG did you know there is a whole site dedicated to Babies with Glasses called Babies with Glasses? And OMG look at this entry! It makes me squeal with girlish delight.

Stretching out in bed - While I love my Big Boy Bed, I still sleep on one side of it. I generally don’t take advantage of having a big bed to myself. I should enjoy it while it lasts, correct? Who knows when I’m gonna have some creep intruding in my bed, wanting to share sheets and pillows, and — God forbid — cuddle. Ugh. But there are occasions when I realize I’m in a Big Boy Bed, and I stretch out my arms and legs into the colder depths of the other side. It’s marvelous.

Star Trek: The Next Generation - Thanks in large part to your generous contributions, I bought the Star Trek: The Next Generation - Complete Series DVD Set. I’m currently working my way through Season 1 and loving every minute of it. (And yes, I did put your donations towards server fees first, but there was leftovers! What do you expect from me? To donate the rest to a charity or something? Gosh!)

The combination of chocolate and peanut butter - The Easter Bunny (Hi Mom!) asked me what I wanted in my Easter basket (Yes, I’m 26, and I still get an Easter basket. Shut up, you’re just jealous.) and I told her anything with chocolate and peanut butter. I’m currently happily drowning in all things Reeses. Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, Reeses Peanut Butter Eggs, BIGGER Reeses Peanut Butter Eggs, and something called a Reester Bunny, which is bigger than any peanut butter filled chocolate bunny should be.

Here is the top ten list from this Wednesday’s David Letterman. It’s the top ten reasons to watch Battlestar Galactica, presented by the cast of Battlestar Galactica: