Puntabulous

Say you find yourself aboard the U.S.S. Enterprise (NCC-1701-D) and you want nothing more than to get jiggy with a lonesome Starfleet officer on the Holodeck. But which one should you choose? This guide should help you decide which crew member is the right lay for you.

WHO: Captain Jean-Luc Picard
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: For an old guy, he certainly has a remarkably nice body and a sweet penchant for short shorts. Plus there’s the added thrill of getting it on with the captain.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: But he can be a bit too stuffy at times, ruining the sensuality of the moment by saying “Oh dear, would it be impudent of me to cum? Pip pip cheerio!” and then quoting Moby Dick for some unknown reason.
VERDICT: He’s Jean-Luc-freaking-Picard!

WHO: Commander William RIker
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: He’s certainly the most classically handsome of the bunch and that beard of his hurts so good when it rubs up against your skin.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: But something needs to be said about a man who simply refuses to take command of his own starship, insisting on passing up command after command to stay put as first officer. I wouldn’t be surprised if he just lays there and makes you do all the work and insists on calling you Mommy, even if you’re a dude.
VERDICT: William Riker gets what William Riker wants. And William Riker wants you. And you. And you.

WHO: Commander Data
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: He is programmed in multiple techniques and a broad variety of pleasuring. Plus, as an android, he can’t be insulted when you hand him a couple of tissues and send him packing.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: Data has never been the most socially aware members of the crew, and has a tendency to say or ask inappropriate things at odd moments. And you never want to have sex with someone who can tell you precisely how much harrier you are than the rest of the general population based upon Starfleet statistics.
VERDICT: Put a muzzle on him, and you have a fully functional sexbot.

WHO: Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: As the Enterprise’s resident nerd, you just know he’s not getting the play he’s longed all his life for, so he’ll treasure you and treat you the way you wish to be treated.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: But he insists on taking off his visor when you make sweet, sweet love and there’s only so many times you can fall for the line “Oh that’s odd, I could have sworn I was wearing a condom.”
VERDICT: Once you go blind, you never look behind.

WHO: Chief Medical Officer Beverly Crusher
WHY SHE’S GOOD IN BED: She has a fondness and knack for dancing, and you know what they say about good dancers. Plus her medical expertise will come in handy when your pee starts burning more than the Mutara Nebula.
WHY SHE’S BAD IN BED: She has a ton of baggage that may hinder having a brief fling. Nothing ruins the mood quite like being called Jack by a sobbing, naked woman. Unless your name is Jack and don’t mind crying. Then you’re just creepy.
VERDICT: She’s just the right hypospray.

WHO: Counselor Deanna Troi
WHY SHE’S GOOD IN BED: Let’s face it, she’s gorgeous, and those one piece leotards love her curves just as much as you do. Plus, as an empath, she knows exactly what’s working for you and what’s not without having to ask.
WHY SHE’S BAD IN BED: What the hell is up with the accent of hers? And when she moans, it’s about a thousand times more annoying. Plus I’m pretty certain there’s some Betazoid rule where if you sleep with the daughter, you have to sleep with the mother. At least that’s what Lwaxana told me.
VERDICT: Screwing an empath means never having to say “lower.”

WHO: Chief of Security Worf
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: Not to be stereotypical or anything, but it’s a well documented fact that Klingons have enormous penises.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: Not to be stereotypical or anything, but it’s a well documented fact that getting fucked by a Klingon will tear apart your insides.
VERDICT: He’s ridged for your pleasure.

WHO: Former Chief of Security Tasha Yar
WHY SHE’S GOOD IN BED: You just know she’d be up for bringing that hot nurse Alyssa Ogawa to join you guys.
WHY SHE’S BAD IN BED: If you’re a dude, you’d probably end up leaving out of boredom about halfway through to make yourself a sandwich while Tasha and Alyssa got to know each other better.
VERDICT: Blondes have more fun. And are lesbians.

WHO: Acting Ensign Wesley Crusher (But not till he’s 18!)
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: He’s, um, tight. And I don’t mean cheap.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: He’s a bit of a know-it-all so he has a tendency to ruin the moment by telling you that the gravitational yada yada yada of bouncing on his blah blah blah, would be exponentially increased if you whatchamacallit on top and centrifugally did this that and the other thing.
VERDICT: Writing about fucking Wesley makes me feel uncomfortable.

So what do you say? Which crew member are you bringing home tonight?

1. Wearing dress shoes without socks. I mean, I don’t even like wearing sneakers without socks, I can’t even imagine what an uncomfortable shoe feels like. And do guys really think it looks that stylish that they’re willing to put up with the discomfort?

2. Wearing dress shirts without an undershirt. Unless you have the body of an olympian of course, which I’m sorry, but you don’t.

3. Why Saturdays and Sundays are combined on desk calendars (except my awesome Dilbert one, thank you very much). Yes, I realize most people keep theirs on their work desk, but wouldn’t Mondays be that much more tolerable if you had one more day to peel?

4. What Edward and Jacob find so appealing about Bella. My friend Meredith said she wants a scene in the next movie where they are forced to sit down and answer the question “What do you like about Bella?” Um, because I love the, um, way she makes me look in comparison?

5. How Twitter makes money.

6. How someone can say “It’s really lucky I got this job.” with a straight face when their dad is a high up executive at the same company and the position was basically made up for them.

7. Why M. Night Shyamalan would change the pronunciation of names in The Last Airbender. Like, I get how some changes need to be made to change from a book or television show into a movie, but the pronunciation of established names makes no sense. And no, I still haven’t seen it, but I heard all about it.

8. How every door in the house becomes infinitely squeaky when you’re trying to be quiet.

9. How I’m supposed to see Inception, Predators, and Sorcerer’s Apprentice all in one weekend. Okay I probably won’t, but I do want to see them all. And yeah, I still kinda want to see The Last Airbender too even though everyone says it awful. Must…resist…

10. Why Geordi and Worf both wore red uniforms in the first season of Star Trek: The Next Generation, then got promotions and started wearing green uniforms. Yet, Picard and Riker wear red uniforms, so why would the order of uniform rank go from red, green, to red again? And just to make it more confusing, green was the higher rank in the original Star Trek. I’m confuzzled.

Hangnails, terrorism, Tony Hawk, Joey, wet blankets, David Caruso, paper cuts, broken umbrellas, Bella Swan, the first 5 minutes of Alien 3, the rest of Alien 3, dating actors, red 40, office coffee, the haircuts in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Lotus Notes, the robot montage at the end of Battlestar Galactica, the expansion of the 9-5 workday, the Electoral College, Rodimus Prime, laugh tracks, House of Sand and Fog.

And that’s about it. Can someone please reign in Tim Burton, please? He’s genius when he needs to be, or given the right material, but otherwise he is just ridiculous, and not in a good way. Alice in Wonderland was horrifically bad. There’s this scene at the end where Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter does the most random and ludicrous dance ever put to film. And that about sums up my feelings for the movie: a random and ludicrous dance. Can we have Batman Returns and Big Fish Tim Burton back please?

Why must television shows end? Why can’t they go on forever and ever and ever? Well I was talking to my friend Jim the other day and we were talking about shows we want to bring back, and it got me thinking about how I’d bring back some of my old favorites. Here are some of my ideas, and note that they’re not remakes or reboots, they’re continuations. Just keep in mind, it’ll have spoilers for how these shows ended.

Show: Alias
Format: Jennifer Garner is a must, but I just don’t see her coming back for a weekly series. So I think a Torchwood: Children of Earth type five night miniseries would be perfection.
Premise: Last we saw them, Sydney and Vaughn were living happily ever after on some beach somewhere. I think it’s gonna take something major to bring them out of retirement, and unfortunately, as much as I like Dixon, I think his death would be just the thing we needed to get our superspy couple out of retirement. The conspiracy would start off small, but soon it would be revealed that Rambaldi and the Alliance were behind everything. And maybe – just maybe – Irina Derevko could be brought back so she could get a better send off than what we got in the original series finale. Oh, and no, their kids would not get kidnapped, or anything stupid like that. They’d be at the babysitters and never seen.

Show: Veronica Mars
Format: Made-for-TV or direct to DVD movie. I just don’t see anyone authorizing the budget needed for a theatrical movie or a completely new series.
Premise: Okay, so Veronica only stayed at Hearst for a year before going someplace else and finishing college then joining the FBI. She can even make a snarky comment about how much Hearst sucked, because let’s face it, Season 3 just wasn’t nearly as good as the others. I’m gonna say that Veronica hasn’t been back home in 10 years, and the thing that gets her there is the abduction of her father. What would happen then is a cooler version of The Da Vinci Code, where we find out her father was caught up in some crazy case, and he left behind a trail of clues for Veronica to find. Since it’s Veronica Mars, all the clues are hidden with pop culture references and Veronica and her new FBI world is forced to blend with her old Neptune life in order to find her father and stop the bad guys.

Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Format: This ones a bit trickier to call because they’re writing the Season 8 graphic novels (I’m on Volume 2 so far, and they are awesome!) and we still don’t know how it’s all gonna end, so I’m thinking a standalone movie is the way to go. Preferably a $200 million production.
Premise: The graphic novels are canon, so we need to acknowledge them to a certain extent, but I wouldn’t want the movie to just be a recreation of them, so it would have to take place after Season 8. And since we don’t know how they end, I’d just like to say that as much as I enjoy the idea of an army of slayers, I’d want Buffy to be the only slayer again. There’s just something about that core group of actors and characters that is just so much fun watching them literally take on the world, and I think an army of slayers would take away from that. They’ve already faced the First, so what could happen that would warrant a movie? I’m thinking something biblical in nature. Buffy and the Scoobies vs. God! And God and the Devil will be played by Simon Pegg and Nick Frost.

Show: Strangers with Candy
Format: Strangers with Candy was made for short nonsensical episodes. It just doesn’t work in the longer format as seen in the Strangers with Candy movie, which was just okay. I think another season of 10 to 20 half hour episodes are just what the stranger doctor ordered.
Premise: Why mess with a good thing? Jerri Blank in high school being taught and trying to teach life’s lessons. What else do you need? And I think there have been enough changes in life (iPods, Facebook, etc) that there would be plenty of fodder for Strangers to tear apart. Oh, and I don’t care if he’s busy, Steve Colbert is a must.

Show: Battlestar Galactica
Format: No need for a new series, or big screen movie. I think a SciFi SyFy movie and DVD release just like they did with The Plan would be perfect. Except not The Plan, because that sucked.
Premise: I’m not crazy about the post series movies that just fill in gaps, but there is one big gap I would like filled. Wink. I want the story of the original Earth and the Final Five Cylons. Essentially the first Earth was a planet full of skin jobs who created their own cylons who overthrew them. Tell us that story. Tell us about the war between skin jobs and cylons. Tell us about the Final Five creating resurrection technology. Tell us about their journey to the 12 colonies, and their creation of the other eight skin jobs. Fill that gap!

Shows: Pushing Daisies, Firefly, Arrested Development
Format: Weekly series and more Firefly movies.
Premise: Everything stays exactly the same, and we all act like their previous cancellations were just a bad dream.

What show would you bring back, and how would you do it?

Like an epic romance, sometimes the things you end up loving dearly are the same things you hated with a passion when you were first acquainted. Here is a list of things (my Darcies, if you will) that I hated for a while (maybe hate is a strong word, but you get the idea) but now I love:

What: Lady Gaga
Why I Hated It: She first came onto the scene with her single Just Dance. It was a really great song that I loved right away. But then I started reading about her in interviews and stuff and she just came across so conceited. She was always going on about how her songs were art and how she was an artist, blah blah blah. And I wanted to scratch her eyes out because doesn’t she know she’s just a another pop star and shut up already? I mean, I loved each song she put out, but I just couldn’t stand her.
Turning Point: Then she did an interview with a German television show wearing a coat made of several Kermit the frogs. And now I get it. It’s an act. No one can possibly wear that coat and take themselves too seriously. It’s just not possible. I bet she goes home and laughs her ass off at the ridiculousness of it all. At least I like to think she does and that’s what makes me love her now.

What: Beer
Why I Hated It: I never had a single drink of alcohol in high school. No, not even for my prom or graduation. Sure, I had sips of my Mom’s frilly drinks at family gatherings from time to time, but a sip of my uncle’s beer when I was a kid was enough to keep me away from it for years.
Turning Point: Then I got to college. In the beginning of my freshman year, I was still holding onto my sweet, non-alcoholic demeanor. Friends would ask me if I wanted to go out with them, and I would decline, instead staying in. Then I talked to my Mom on the phone and she said, “You don’t want to decline so much that you never get invited anymore.” It was true. So I said yes to the next invite I got (probably that night) and we went to the Thursday hot spot called Cheers (the trashiest of establishments, where nobody knew your name) and they had cans of Coors Light for $1 and it’s been magic ever since.

What: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Why I Hated It: Everyone in the world told me I would love this show. I fought watching it for so long because Sarah Michelle Gellar fighting vampires? Really? But I finally gave in and borrowed the first and second season from my cousin Michelle. I watched the first season and it was just okay. But just. The characters were cute, but nothing great, the special effects were kind of atrocious (praying mantis teacher, anyone?) and the Master storyline wasn’t all that great to keep me interested. But everyone kept telling me how great it was so I kept going. That is until I got to Inca Mummy Girl. That was the last straw. It was such an atrocious episode that I stopped watching for a year.
Turning Point: I finally gave in and started watching again because I felt bad that I had borrowed Michelle’s DVDs for so long, and would hate to give them back unwatched. So I figured I’d power through the rest and never speak of them again. The next episode was Reptile Boy. The name alone sent chills of awfulness down my spine. But hey, it was kinda good. Then there was the Halloween episode, which hey, was kinda good too. Then there was Lie To Me, which was pretty damn amazing. But the major turning point was when Angel turned evil and all the plot lines seemed to come together and make sense. That was when it changed from a fun show into an amazing show.

What: Reading
Why I Hated It: I hated reading when I was younger. Absolutely loathed it, in fact. My parents tried to get me to read all the time, but nothing would stick. I couldn’t even get through Jurassic Park, which was based on my favorite movie of all time. Okay, maybe it’s the other way around, but back then movies totally trumped books. I hardly ever read any of our required reading assignments for school. I had really great English teachers too, and they tried their darndest to make things interesting, but I just could never get into a single one. No, not even Catcher in the Rye or The Great Gatsby.
Turning Point: Then came November of 2001. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone came out in theaters, and it was a really good movie. I had obviously heard about the books before then, but never gave them much thought. They were just silly children’s books after all! But after seeing the movie, and knowing that there were three other books with the continuing adventures of Harry, Ron, and Hermione, I just had to get them and devour them. I loved every second of the books. It was the first time I truly ever read for fun. I carried them wherever I went, and would even squeeze in a few pages between classes. Once I finished Goblet of Fire, I needed more books to read, and to this day I never go anywhere without a good book.

There we have it. What are some things you hated at first before falling madly in love with?

1. Watching someone enjoy something you also enjoy.

2. Daydreaming about characters you made up.

3. Waking up before the alarm.

4. Doing what you want to do.

5. Sitting in grass you’re not sure is wet, and it’s not.

6. Solving problems.

7. A really great season finale.

8. French onion soup topped with onion rings.

9. Sharing with appreciative people.

10. Picking up exactly where you left off with old friends.

I’ve done a post about this before, but there’s always room for growth right? Well my parents are going away this weekend leaving poor little old me home alone. What shall I do with the house to myself, you ask? Here’s my to-do list:

Strip Mario Kart: I suck at poker. Whenever I play a card game of any kind, a black cloud hangs above me to ensure that I am never dealt a decent hand ever. But I want to see you naked and I only have a limited amount of time before the parental units return home. Solution? Strip Mario Kart! I am awesome at Mario Kart so me and Yoshi will ensure that you are trying to hide your wiimote behind your wiimote in no time! Plus it helps that I’m consistently in an undershirt, buttondown, and sweater, so the chances of you seeing me naked are almost nil. Ready, Set, Go!

Proper Pizza Storage: It’s pretty much inevitable that I will order a pizza tonight so I have something to eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner all weekend. Me cook? Please. But what’s up with moms and their wacky pizza storage containers? I don’t know about your mom, but my Mom has these triangular tupperware containers specifically for pizza. But really, do I want to dirty another thing that I’m just gonna have to clean up before they get home? No. So that’s why I’ll just sliiiiiide the entire pizza box directly into the refrigerator. No mess, no fuss, no way Mom would tolerate that if she were home.

Watch Bad Movies: Let’s just say that when I convinced my parents to watch Catwoman because it was so bad, it’s good, they didn’t really understand the concept of good bad movies and still haven’t forgiven me. I’m pretty sure the same thing would be said for Barb Wire, which I’ve been dying to watch again (I bought it on DVD after loving it on Netflix, shut up) but haven’t since the amount of boobage within the first 5 minutes prevents me from watching it with parents around.

Reenact Glee: Granted Mom and Dad love the series just as much as I do (Dad watched the entire Road to Sectionals DVDs in a single day!) I think it’s time I broke out the oversized hairbrush and had a bit more of an interactive experience while watching the DVDs. I just gotta remember to clean the lip prints off the television screen before they get home.

Switch Gins: Well isn’t it just awesome that everyone loves gin and tonics these days. Seriously, everyone in my family has totally been copying off of me lately! And they’re using my Tanqueray! This will not be tolerated. Time to break out the funnels and switch the Tanqueray with the cheap shit we keep on hand for the Tom Collins drinks we enjoy in the summertime. It’ll be like a science experiment, only without the science.

What do you think? Anything I should add to the list?

Okay fine, I’ll make up some New Years Resolutions. We all know I’m never gonna stick with them anyway, so what’s the big deal? Oh right, I need a blog post. Fine. Here you go, but I may or may not put any effort into making these resolutions happen!

Work Out More. Well I was doing good with this one for a while this year. I got up to about day 20 of the EA Sports Active 30-Day challenge before I had to stop because the arches of my feet were becoming strained and it hurt when I walked throughout the day. Yeah, it’s my own fault for being stupid enough to do the damn program barefoot, but no one told me that was a stupid idea! Now I know. I’ll give the program another shot and hopefully get through the 30 days injury free. I liked the way I felt and looked even after my short stint, so I’d like to get back into the swing of things.

Write More. I did National Novel Writing Month back in August and I kicked its ass hardcore and got my 50,000 words done, but I still have a bit more to go in completing my novel. This year I want to finish it, edit it, and start giving it out as party favors so friends and relatives can be my editors.

Date More. LOL! I try dating. I seriously do. This year I even went on a record 8 dates with the same person! I know, crazy, right? But they weren’t ready for a relationship, blah blah blah. Whatever. It’s hard not getting discouraged, but I’ll continue to put myself out there.

Save More. In 2009 I put more focus on paying off student loans rather than saving. I had quite a hefty savings account, but my car and student loans were ridiculous. I shifted gears, emptied my savings and paid off my entire car loan and a large portion of my student loans. I still have a bit more to go on my student loans, but I can feel that this is the year they go away forever. Then I need to built up my savings again so I can finally buy my own home.

Well lookie here! My first three resolutions end with “More” so I guess I’m not doing too bad, huh? But I think that means I need to start thinking of some serious resolutions. But I can only think of one that I really need to work on (otherwise I am totally perfect in every other way):

Be Happier. I need to stop worrying about work when I’m no longer at work. I need to stop being cranky with the people that love me just because I had a rough day. I need to imagine a bit more. I need to have random dance parties. I need to stop wallowing in self-pity. I need to let go of things that are beyond my control. I need to draw more Super Viagra strips. I need to write what I want to write. I need to remind myself of the real reasons why I’m single. I need to go on strolls. I need to get a hobby that has less to do with sitting in front of the television and more to do with that archery set in the basement.

I think that’s what resolutions are all about, right? Happiness. Whether it’s losing weight, quitting smoking, exercising more, getting a new hobby, it’s all about making yourself a happier person. So don’t quantify your resolutions. Don’t set yourself up for failure. If you resolve to do things that make you happy, everything else should fall into place. Here’s wishing you and your family a happy and healthy New Year!

Yes, of course the whole movie is awesome, but it’s a lot of the little things that make me love it even more. Here are some of my favorites:

1. The frenzy on the bridge of the U.S.S. Kelvin after it is attacked. It comes across very authentic, as if it were out of a war movie rather than a Star Trek, and I really like that about it.

2. The music during the birth of Kirk scene. In fact, I love the whole score, but that scene in particular gets me every time.

3. “Is there a problem, officer?”

4. Bruce Greenwood as Christopher Pike. For someone we hardly knew from the original series, they certainly made the best use of him as Kirk’s mentor and father figure.

5. Karl Urban as Bones. A perfect impersonation, while still being new and fresh.

6. Bones’ several inoculations of Kirk.

7. The pause and head tilt Spock makes as he rides the turbolift to the bridge of the Enterprise just before we see it for the first time.

8. The fight on top of the drill. I absolutely love this whole sequence from the dive, to the poor red shirt’s demise, to Sulu’s sword, to getting teleported out of there. The only bad thing that it was such a good action sequence that it was hard to beat for the finale.

9. “Are you out of your Vulcan mind?”

10. “I have been and always shall be, your friend.” And the entire inclusion of Spock Prime while I’m at it.

11. The trifecta of awesomeness that comes out of Scotty’s mouth when he’s on the bridge for the first time. “I’d rather not take sides.” “Um, yes. Can I get a towel please?” “I like this ship! You know, It’s exciting!”

12. The acknowledgment that Star Trek villain’s ships make absolutely no sense whatsoever. “If there’s any sense to the design of the enemy ship, I’ll be putting you in the middle of the cargo bay.”

13. The look Kirk gives after he sees Spock and Uhura making out on the teleporter. To me, that made the whole unnecessary romance plotline worth it. Okay, maybe not worth it, but better.

14. The punch that comes out of nowhere when Kirk and Spock infiltrate the Narada. Five times in the theater and I still jump every time. And yes, five times in the theater, shut up.

15. The phasers blue/red light thingy. Yeah, I was leery of them changing the phasers from simple hand-held boxes to “cooler” looking guns, but the light switching thing totally won me over.

16. The shot of the torpedoes heading towards Spock’s ship and then the Enterprise jumping in to save the day, along with the shot of everyone on the bridge firing away. Very Millennium Falcon at the end of Star Wars, but that’s a good thing.

17. “I would rather suffer the destruction of Romulus a thousand times than accept the help of a Federation starship!” “You got it!”

18. The pause and silence as the Enterprise is sucked into the black hole, just before it bursts out.

19. “I am not our father.”

20. “Since my customary farewell would appear oddly self-serving, I shall simply say, good luck.”

So my ten year high school reunion is this weekend. Ten years?! Can you believe it? Oh my bones! My bones, they are achin’! Now get off my lawn, you damn kids! So how does one prepare for their ten year reunion? Well I think the main thing is to prepare for the questions I’ll be asked so I can come across the best way possible. So I’ve developed a list of potential questions:

1. So where are you living these days?

There’s no way I can get out of telling them I live at home, so I soften the blow by saying that I lived in Brooklyn for a year, but I hated it so much that I moved back home. That way it’s more like my choice to live home rather than just the effect of my unsurmountable student loans and disdain of the subway system.

2. What have you been up to lately?

I could tell them about my blog, but it seems like everyone I’ve ever told about my blog is a member of the 1% of the American population that has never heard of blogs before. (Jon AKA Connect Four Loser was the only one I’ve ever told who gave me an awesome, excited response, and actually followed up by reading my blog. Hi Jon!) And have you tried to explain to someone what a blog is? It’s nearly impossible and they just can’t wrap their brains around it. But seriously, who’s never heard of a blog before?

3. What do you do?

I hate the fact that you have to answer this question with your job. Like, that’s all I do? I live, I write, I play, I read, I watch, I drink. But no, I have to say I work for a construction company.

4. Oh, so you were a civil engineering major? Because remember when you used to be so into dinosaurs?

No, no I wasn’t. I was indeed a geology major with a concentration in biology. Um, yeah, so this is where I have to admit my utter defeat as to never becoming a world renowned paleontologist, because in the senior yearbook for that stupid questionnaire I put as my future goal: To discover the first baby T-rex fossil. For all the world to see. Yeah, I was am a major dork.

5. Are you seeing anyone?

LOL!

6. Do you still play the saxophone?

This question will probably only come from fellow former band geeks and chances are they will have given up on their instruments as well. If I get drunk enough (hello open bar!) I’ll answer with a: “The only instrument I play these days is…see answer #5.” Of course in normal conversations questions don’t have numbers so they won’t know what I’m talking about, but I’ll get a good laugh out of it and that’s all that matters.

7. Isn’t it a little warm for argyle?

Naturally I want to look my best, and I’ve already picked out my outfit, and yes it involves an argyle sweater. I don’t care that it’s technically still summer, I want to look hot! And with an argyle sweater on, I’m sure I will.

8. How did you get so good looking?

This is the question I expect to get most often. I think I’m going to simply answer by flashing the double guns and making that click click sound with my tongue against the roof of my mouth. I’ve been practicing it in the mirror for the past few weeks and I think I’m getting pretty good.