1. No more extra hour of sleep in the morning. I’m pretty good about getting to bed at a normal hour, but after an occassional late night, my reward for getting out of bed and dragging myself to the train station was getting an extra hour of sleep on the train. Not anymore!

2. Going to work sick sucks even more. You can no longer throw yourself on a train, throw yourself at your desk and sit there like a lump for eight nine ten hours. You need to be alert and focus on driving and not killing yourself!

3. No more reading time. Pretty much the only time I read is when I’m on the train. Yes, I could watch less television or learn to pick up a book on the weekend, but having the train as a set reading time was really fantastic.

4. Traffic. There’s nothing worse than sitting in traffic for an hour and then finally finding out that people were only rubbernecking a fender bender. If I’m gonna be stuck in traffic, there better be blood and guts spewed across the road to make it worth my while.

5. Gas. Yes, train and subway tickets are massively expensive, and the difference between that and gas probably isn’t much, but you only have to lay out ticket prices once a month. There’s something about paying $50 two or three times a week that just gets your blood boiling.

1. Singing in the car. There’s no better stress relief after a bad day than belting out the new new Rihanna S&M remix featuring Britney Spears.

2. Not having to rely on the crappy Long Island Railroad. If I’m late, it’s my own damn fault (traffic conditions excluded, of course).

3. Getting in your car and going. I’m parked right outside. Really! Like, my car is right there. I step out of the office and BAM! Car. No more leaving the office to catch a subway to catch a train. When I leave work, I don’t even count commuting time as work anymore. I’m done for the day.

4. Morning Radio. I still think the gang from Elvis Duran and the Morning Show (formerly Z Morning Zoo on Z100) can be a little too “cool kids” for me, but they’re growing on me, and it’s fun to have a regular show to listen to in the morning.

5. Snacks! Of course you are welcome to eat like a pig on the train, but a) people will look at you like a crazy person and b) you have to carry your snacks in your bag. Driving in a car means being able to load up your console with goodies galore! The sugar rush also helps keep you awake when driving home.

How do you guys get to work? What do you love and hate about your commutes?

2. Patio furniture (I am so frakking excited about getting a patio, but the other day a friend wondered how I will watch TV from the patio [surely I can angle the TV inside so I can see it through the window, otherwise fuck the stupid patio and being outdoors]).

3. Bathroom supplies (shower curtain, shower curtain rings, bath mats, towels, washcloths, toothbrush holder, soap dish).

4. Christmas decorations (on sale at K-Mart after Christmas).

5. Coffee table book #2.

6. Candy jar (which will probably be placed on the coffee table).

7. Random kitchen stuff (stone cooking pan [best thing ever], George Foreman grill, salad tongs [random, right?], salt and pepper shakers, dish towels).

8. Giant box of Jelly Bellys that I got for Christmas that I’ve been saving to put on my coffee table (I’m a bit obsessed about putting stuff on my coffee table, aren’t I?) that will surely have gone bad by the time I get this damn place.

9. Cleaning supplies (and bucket).

10. Delusions of grandeur (I have all these grand ideas for decorating [not to mention my Study], but Mom can’t wait for me to get all my crap out of the basement, which will surely lead to the dreaded junk drawer closet, not to mention how stupid my coffee table will look after I put all that crap on top of it).

1. He posts disgusting pictures of himself on the internet. Look no further than the picture above!

2. He’s a ginger.

3. He’s not even a good ginger. Like, it’s blondish. If you’re gonna be a fucking ginger, be a fucking ginger.

4. He lives in New Jersey. Gross. I want to fist pump all over his stupid face.

5. He’s a vegan. Like, seriously?! The guy from Green Eggs and Ham ate it in the end and loved it! You should try it sometime!

6. He’s a grammar Nazi. If I want to say “Me and Jesus”, I will fucking say “Me and Jesus”!

7. The name of his stupid blog is NSFW. I have to look over my fucking shoulder to make sure no one sees the giant COCK on my screen. What a dick.

8. He leaves nasty comments on innocent and gorgeous bloggers’ innocent and informative blog posts.

9. His underused cartoon super hero is lamer than my underused cartoon super hero.

10. He has a coblogger that writes better blog posts than him. I mean, how idiotic is that? You should only get a coblogger who will make you look better in comparison! What a maroon!

And there we have it. I hope you found this blog post as informative as I found it therapeutic.

1. Greg is short for Gregory so it really doesn’t even count as a name. It’s more like a lame nickname for people who are too uncool to have a real nickname like Spike or T-Bone.

2. Craig is derived from the Scottish Gaelic word creag, meaning rock. What a strong sturdy thing to be named after! Like I said above, Greg is just short for Gregory so it really doesn’t even mean anything because it’s so stupid. Gregory is derived from the Latin name Gregorius, which was from the Greek name Gregorios meaning watchful. Why do you have to be so fucking watchful Gregory? Up to no good?!

3. C is way better than G. C is beautiful and curvy, like Queen Latifah! G is a C wannabe with a little inappropriate boner jutting out of it.

4. Two G’s. Really? Show some fucking variety!

5. I’ll let the next two screenshots taken from the Social Security Administration’s webpage speak for themselves:

6. What kind of lame ass name only has four letters? Adam. John. Polt. Greg. Those aren’t names! They’re little coughs of letters that ejaculate into something sounding like an onomoempeia from a deleted fight scene in Adam West’s Batman.

7. Craig is such an awesome first name that it makes an excellent last name as well.

8. If you rearrange the letters in Craig, you get Cigar. If you rearrange the letters in Greg, you get Rgge. That’s not even a word!

9. There is an A.I. in the middle of my name. When our robot slaves throw off their shackles and rebel against us, I can be like “Hey, I’m one of you guys! Fuck all the meatbags!” while all the Gregs of the world flee in terror as we exact our wrath.

10. Quick! Name a famous Greg you like! Oh, you can’t? Shocker! Name a famous Craig you like! Oh me? That’s so sweet of you! (Craig Ferguson would also have been an acceptable answer.)

So there we have it. The name Craig is vastly superior to the name Greg. The next time a friend names their baby Greg, kick them in the vagina/balls, kidnap the baby and rename it Craig!

1. Jean-Luc Picard’s starship is bigger. A lot bigger.

2. If Jean-Luc Picard’s starship fails, it’s for reasons of political intrigue and/or intergalactic anomalies, not comic effect.

3. Jean-Luc Picard is so cool, he doesn’t even have to fly his own ship. He has bitches for that.

4. Forsooth! Jean-Luc Piccard is played by thine awesome Shakespearean trained actor.

5. Jean-Lud Picard’s sidekick doesn’t smell like a wookie.

6. Jean-Luc Picard has had multiple love interests over the years, including the ever present adoration of Dr. Beverly Crusher. Han had a coked up princess.

7. Jean-Luc Picard hates children, while Han plays with ewoks.

8. Jean-Luc Picard never got frozen in carbonite, and if he had, he never would have made that goofy face.

9. Jean-Luc Picard never got tied up by ewoks.

10. Jean-Luc Picard talks smack to Borg while Han gets shit from protocol droids.

11. You can tell Jean-Luc Picard the odds and he’ll still beat them.

12. “Make is so.” is a way cooler command than “Punch it.”

13. Han Solo and Will Schuester share the same love of vests.

14. Jean-Luc Picard only becomes scruffy looking after living a lifetime in an alternate universe created by an extinct civilization.

15. Han Solo is always prattling on about getting a money reward, while they don’t even have money in Picard’s more sophisticated civilization.

16. Han Solo shoots bounty hunters who catch him and threaten to turn him over to criminal overlords. Jean-Luc Picard just doesn’t get caught by bounty hunters.

17. Jean-Luc Picard doesn’t get betrayed by his best friends.

18. Jean-Luc Picard can make the Kessel Run in less than five parsecs. He also knows that a parsec is a unit of distance, not time.

19. What does “Millennium Falcon” even mean, anyway?

20. Jean-Luc Picard gets higher billing.

21. Not only does Jean-Luc Picard save civilization in his own time period, he goes back in time to save civilization in the past as well. Han Solo didn’t even try to save us from the prequels.

22. Jean-Luc Picard makes references to classic literature. Han Solo makes references to that one time he did something cool a long time ago.

23. Jean-Luc Picard doesn’t scream like a girl when he’s getting tortured. Han Solo would have said there were five lights.

24. Jean-Luc Picard was never the third wheel in an incestuous love triangle.

25. Jean-Luc Picard was taken prisoner by the Borg because he would be a great asset to their collective. Han Solo was taken prisoner by Jabba the Hutt because he did a crappy job at the task he was hired for.

See? Waaaay cooler. Have anything you’d like to add?

1. Climb Mount Everest (Or any sort of rock climbing for that matter.)

2. Run a Marathon/Triathlon/Iron Man.

3. Join the Polar Bear Club. (My sister Amanda wants to do this, I just don’t get it.)

4. Join the Mile High Club.

5. Swim with dolphins/sharks. (I’m fine admiring them from over here, thank you very much.)

6. Streak.

7. Read all of Shakespeare’s works. (ZZzzzz…)

8. Get a tattoo.

9. Break a world record.

10. Learn to speak another language fluently.

11. Bungie jump. (No, I don’t want every bone in my body dislocated at once, but thanks for asking.)

12. Learn to ride a motorcycle.

13. Backpack across (any) country.

14. Sail around the world.

15. Watch AFI’s Top 100 Movies. (Seriously, have you seen all the crap they put on that list?)

What lame stuff do people have on their bucket lists that you have zero interest in doing yourself?

WHO: Captain Jean-Luc Picard
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: For an old guy, he certainly has a remarkably nice body and a sweet penchant for short shorts. Plus there’s the added thrill of getting it on with the captain.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: But he can be a bit too stuffy at times, ruining the sensuality of the moment by saying “Oh dear, would it be impudent of me to cum? Pip pip cheerio!” and then quoting Moby Dick for some unknown reason.
VERDICT: He’s Jean-Luc-freaking-Picard!

WHO: Commander William RIker
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: He’s certainly the most classically handsome of the bunch and that beard of his hurts so good when it rubs up against your skin.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: But something needs to be said about a man who simply refuses to take command of his own starship, insisting on passing up command after command to stay put as first officer. I wouldn’t be surprised if he just lays there and makes you do all the work and insists on calling you Mommy, even if you’re a dude.
VERDICT: William Riker gets what William Riker wants. And William Riker wants you. And you. And you.

WHO: Commander Data
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: He is programmed in multiple techniques and a broad variety of pleasuring. Plus, as an android, he can’t be insulted when you hand him a couple of tissues and send him packing.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: Data has never been the most socially aware members of the crew, and has a tendency to say or ask inappropriate things at odd moments. And you never want to have sex with someone who can tell you precisely how much harrier you are than the rest of the general population based upon Starfleet statistics.
VERDICT: Put a muzzle on him, and you have a fully functional sexbot.

WHO: Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: As the Enterprise’s resident nerd, you just know he’s not getting the play he’s longed all his life for, so he’ll treasure you and treat you the way you wish to be treated.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: But he insists on taking off his visor when you make sweet, sweet love and there’s only so many times you can fall for the line “Oh that’s odd, I could have sworn I was wearing a condom.”
VERDICT: Once you go blind, you never look behind.

WHO: Chief Medical Officer Beverly Crusher
WHY SHE’S GOOD IN BED: She has a fondness and knack for dancing, and you know what they say about good dancers. Plus her medical expertise will come in handy when your pee starts burning more than the Mutara Nebula.
WHY SHE’S BAD IN BED: She has a ton of baggage that may hinder having a brief fling. Nothing ruins the mood quite like being called Jack by a sobbing, naked woman. Unless your name is Jack and don’t mind crying. Then you’re just creepy.
VERDICT: She’s just the right hypospray.

WHO: Counselor Deanna Troi
WHY SHE’S GOOD IN BED: Let’s face it, she’s gorgeous, and those one piece leotards love her curves just as much as you do. Plus, as an empath, she knows exactly what’s working for you and what’s not without having to ask.
WHY SHE’S BAD IN BED: What the hell is up with the accent of hers? And when she moans, it’s about a thousand times more annoying. Plus I’m pretty certain there’s some Betazoid rule where if you sleep with the daughter, you have to sleep with the mother. At least that’s what Lwaxana told me.
VERDICT: Screwing an empath means never having to say “lower.”

WHO: Chief of Security Worf
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: Not to be stereotypical or anything, but it’s a well documented fact that Klingons have enormous penises.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: Not to be stereotypical or anything, but it’s a well documented fact that getting fucked by a Klingon will tear apart your insides.
VERDICT: He’s ridged for your pleasure.

WHO: Former Chief of Security Tasha Yar
WHY SHE’S GOOD IN BED: You just know she’d be up for bringing that hot nurse Alyssa Ogawa to join you guys.
WHY SHE’S BAD IN BED: If you’re a dude, you’d probably end up leaving out of boredom about halfway through to make yourself a sandwich while Tasha and Alyssa got to know each other better.
VERDICT: Blondes have more fun. And are lesbians.

WHO: Acting Ensign Wesley Crusher (But not till he’s 18!)
WHY HE’S GOOD IN BED: He’s, um, tight. And I don’t mean cheap.
WHY HE’S BAD IN BED: He’s a bit of a know-it-all so he has a tendency to ruin the moment by telling you that the gravitational yada yada yada of bouncing on his blah blah blah, would be exponentially increased if you whatchamacallit on top and centrifugally did this that and the other thing.
VERDICT: Writing about fucking Wesley makes me feel uncomfortable.

So what do you say? Which crew member are you bringing home tonight?

2. Wearing dress shirts without an undershirt. Unless you have the body of an olympian of course, which I’m sorry, but you don’t.

3. Why Saturdays and Sundays are combined on desk calendars (except my awesome Dilbert one, thank you very much). Yes, I realize most people keep theirs on their work desk, but wouldn’t Mondays be that much more tolerable if you had one more day to peel?

4. What Edward and Jacob find so appealing about Bella. My friend Meredith said she wants a scene in the next movie where they are forced to sit down and answer the question “What do you like about Bella?” Um, because I love the, um, way she makes me look in comparison?

5. How Twitter makes money.

6. How someone can say “It’s really lucky I got this job.” with a straight face when their dad is a high up executive at the same company and the position was basically made up for them.

7. Why M. Night Shyamalan would change the pronunciation of names in The Last Airbender. Like, I get how some changes need to be made to change from a book or television show into a movie, but the pronunciation of established names makes no sense. And no, I still haven’t seen it, but I heard all about it.

8. How every door in the house becomes infinitely squeaky when you’re trying to be quiet.

9. How I’m supposed to see Inception, Predators, and Sorcerer’s Apprentice all in one weekend. Okay I probably won’t, but I do want to see them all. And yeah, I still kinda want to see The Last Airbender too even though everyone says it awful. Must…resist…

10. Why Geordi and Worf both wore red uniforms in the first season of Star Trek: The Next Generation, then got promotions and started wearing green uniforms. Yet, Picard and Riker wear red uniforms, so why would the order of uniform rank go from red, green, to red again? And just to make it more confusing, green was the higher rank in the original Star Trek. I’m confuzzled.

And that’s about it. Can someone please reign in Tim Burton, please? He’s genius when he needs to be, or given the right material, but otherwise he is just ridiculous, and not in a good way. Alice in Wonderland was horrifically bad. There’s this scene at the end where Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter does the most random and ludicrous dance ever put to film. And that about sums up my feelings for the movie: a random and ludicrous dance. Can we have Batman Returns and Big Fish Tim Burton back please?

Show: Alias
Format: Jennifer Garner is a must, but I just don’t see her coming back for a weekly series. So I think a Torchwood: Children of Earth type five night miniseries would be perfection.
Premise: Last we saw them, Sydney and Vaughn were living happily ever after on some beach somewhere. I think it’s gonna take something major to bring them out of retirement, and unfortunately, as much as I like Dixon, I think his death would be just the thing we needed to get our superspy couple out of retirement. The conspiracy would start off small, but soon it would be revealed that Rambaldi and the Alliance were behind everything. And maybe – just maybe – Irina Derevko could be brought back so she could get a better send off than what we got in the original series finale. Oh, and no, their kids would not get kidnapped, or anything stupid like that. They’d be at the babysitters and never seen.

Show: Veronica Mars
Format: Made-for-TV or direct to DVD movie. I just don’t see anyone authorizing the budget needed for a theatrical movie or a completely new series.
Premise: Okay, so Veronica only stayed at Hearst for a year before going someplace else and finishing college then joining the FBI. She can even make a snarky comment about how much Hearst sucked, because let’s face it, Season 3 just wasn’t nearly as good as the others. I’m gonna say that Veronica hasn’t been back home in 10 years, and the thing that gets her there is the abduction of her father. What would happen then is a cooler version of The Da Vinci Code, where we find out her father was caught up in some crazy case, and he left behind a trail of clues for Veronica to find. Since it’s Veronica Mars, all the clues are hidden with pop culture references and Veronica and her new FBI world is forced to blend with her old Neptune life in order to find her father and stop the bad guys.

Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Format: This ones a bit trickier to call because they’re writing the Season 8 graphic novels (I’m on Volume 2 so far, and they are awesome!) and we still don’t know how it’s all gonna end, so I’m thinking a standalone movie is the way to go. Preferably a $200 million production.
Premise: The graphic novels are canon, so we need to acknowledge them to a certain extent, but I wouldn’t want the movie to just be a recreation of them, so it would have to take place after Season 8. And since we don’t know how they end, I’d just like to say that as much as I enjoy the idea of an army of slayers, I’d want Buffy to be the only slayer again. There’s just something about that core group of actors and characters that is just so much fun watching them literally take on the world, and I think an army of slayers would take away from that. They’ve already faced the First, so what could happen that would warrant a movie? I’m thinking something biblical in nature. Buffy and the Scoobies vs. God! And God and the Devil will be played by Simon Pegg and Nick Frost.

Show: Strangers with Candy
Format: Strangers with Candy was made for short nonsensical episodes. It just doesn’t work in the longer format as seen in the Strangers with Candy movie, which was just okay. I think another season of 10 to 20 half hour episodes are just what the stranger doctor ordered.
Premise: Why mess with a good thing? Jerri Blank in high school being taught and trying to teach life’s lessons. What else do you need? And I think there have been enough changes in life (iPods, Facebook, etc) that there would be plenty of fodder for Strangers to tear apart. Oh, and I don’t care if he’s busy, Steve Colbert is a must.

Show: Battlestar Galactica
Format: No need for a new series, or big screen movie. I think a SciFi SyFy movie and DVD release just like they did with The Plan would be perfect. Except not The Plan, because that sucked.
Premise: I’m not crazy about the post series movies that just fill in gaps, but there is one big gap I would like filled. Wink. I want the story of the original Earth and the Final Five Cylons. Essentially the first Earth was a planet full of skin jobs who created their own cylons who overthrew them. Tell us that story. Tell us about the war between skin jobs and cylons. Tell us about the Final Five creating resurrection technology. Tell us about their journey to the 12 colonies, and their creation of the other eight skin jobs. Fill that gap!

Shows: Pushing Daisies, Firefly, Arrested Development
Format: Weekly series and more Firefly movies.
Premise: Everything stays exactly the same, and we all act like their previous cancellations were just a bad dream.

What show would you bring back, and how would you do it?