Puntabulous

May all your dreams come true! Mr. Grids rides his magical unicorn Percival throughout the fairylands of Queens, NY granting wishes to all the good little boys and girls. Even if your dream is a warm, toasty waffle, Mr. Grids will sacrifice himself to make the children he adores happy. And if your dream is to see what a unicorn burger tastes like, Percival will skewer your sorry ass faster than you can say “With fries.”

Bonus doodles by Emily, Jillian, then me Emily and Jillian via committee:

I’m also happy to report that both my nieces now want an iPad. You’re welcome, mom and dad! As she was going to bed last night Emily asked me where I keep mine so she could play with it tomorrow while I’m at work. She now knows the meaning of the phrase “Are you fucking kidding me?” Just kidding! I just laughed and laughed and laughed. Yeah, so maybe I’m a bit more Percival than Mr. Grids when it comes to my iPad.

My boss just printed out this article and gave it to me with the words “You’re in luck!” written across the top. Titled Discovering the Virtues of a Wandering Mind, it begins:

At long last, the doodling daydreamer is getting some respect.

I feel like he’s trying to tell me something. Hmm. Imagine a giant waffle riding a unicorn? That would be awesome! I think I’ll draw it…

My nieces Emily and Jillian are staying with us and it’s amazing what being around kids teaches you, especially in my role as uncle. Here are a few lessons I’ve learned so far:

Getting a little girl back into a wet bathing suit after a potty break is nearly impossible. Seriously, they fit into it just fine before the potty break, how does it seem to shrink twenty sizes too small during the potty break? It’s a good thing they’re tough little girls because I was yanking and pulling with all my might (which I’m sure you can imagine is quite high on the might scale) and they didn’t fuss a bit! And seriously, what’s with the millions of (read as: two) straps you need to maneuver onto their shoulders? And when I was finally able to get the straps up to their shoulders, the neckline was still halfway down their stomachs!

They always know what’s right and trick you into doing what’s wrong. After said potty break, Jillian asked if she had to wash her hands. Now, as the role of cool uncle, it’s hard to resist the urge to say “No way! Screw society! I don’t care what your parents told you, washing your hands is for losers!” then break a vase over my head and set the backyard on fire. But I compromised and said she only had to rinse them (I figured any residual germs would be killed off back in the pool anyway). As she’s drying her hands she says “You know Uncle Craig, I’m supposed to use soap.” Sigh. “You want to wash them again?” I ask. “Not now that my hands are already dry!” And scampers off back to the pool.

They have ways of getting their point across. I was given requests by the girls to do silly things as I jumped off the diving board. At one point Jillian told me to act like a clown. I acted as though I kept thinking she said cow and jumped off the diving board acting like a cow (which admittedly was more moose-like since I put my hands to my head with splayed fingers) but the girls enjoyed it. Then, no less than half an hour passes by, the jumping off the diving board game has all but ended when Jillian calls me over to tell me a secret. What was that secret you ask? “I said clown.”

Flattery will get you everywhere. You may think I mean flattering little girls will make them putty in your hand, but of course it’s the other way around. In any other universe, the last thing I want to do when I get home from a long day at work is play around in the pool but when called “the greatest person in the world” (take note, everyone!) I’ll be acting like a moose in no time.

You are allowed to say ridiculous things that make perfect sense. At one point I said “Hold on, I need to empty the water out of the muffin.” and Emily patiently waited because I was literally emptying water out of a plastic muffin they made me balance on my head as I jumped in the pool.

I’m sure there will be plenty more as the week goes on. What have kids taught you?

I got these pics emailed to me in a forward, so I’m not quite certain of the source, but I had to share it with you guys. I wish I could take credit, but I can’t.

1. My parents will be out of the house Saturday and Sunday. Expect a wild Strip Mario tournament at my house Saturday night.

2. I edited my novel for the first time on the train last night using the Pages app on my iPad. I’ve been worried about trying it because I just feared I’d lose it somehow and never get it back, which is ridiculous because I have it saved in about a million places. But it worked out really well! It’s incredible how natural it feels to type on it and I was pleased with how much I was able to get accomplished. The only thing I don’t like is not having a Save button. It saves automatically, and you can email it to yourself, but a simple Save button would make me feel much better.

3. No, I’m not getting the new iPhone. I can’t justify the upgrade to myself just yet. I feel like I need to make two jumps, the way I skipped over the 3G and went straight to the 3GS from the original one. But did any of you guys out there get one? How is it?

4. I’m thoroughly enjoying Catching Fire, the sequel to the amazing Hunger Games. It’s incredible how the author can get me to hate the Capitol so much even when they’re not on the page.

5. I ordered Avatar: The Last Airbender: Complete Book 1 (Collector’s Edition) off of Amazon. I’ve been wanting my own set of the DVDs ever since my brother Adam loaned me his, but they’re pretty expensive so I’ve held off. But this new edition is $10-$20 cheaper than the original edition so I had to pick it up. I assume it’s because of the new movie. I just hope they come out with the other seasons in similar sets too. I hope they don’t stop if the new movie doesn’t do well, or make us wait another two years for the next set just to line it up with the release of the (hopefully!) next movie.

6. Speaking of Avatar, here’s some screenshots of Momo from the upcoming movie. I think he looks great! I just hope they get his personality right.

7. The Princess and the Frog is one of those movies that sticks with me for a few days. Now I’m obsessed with the line “I got news for you, Shadowman: it’s not slime… it’s mucus!” I love running jokes with a great payoff at the end.

8. Damn you Eclipse trailers for making you look like a good movie! I said the same thing about New Moon too. The trailers never showed Kristen Stewart sitting in a chair for three months or screaming in her sleep. Interesting articles with the director don’t help matters either.

9. I watched Tron for the first time the other night. I can respect it for the milestone in special effects it represents, but as a movie it was just awful. It had no story whatsoever to support the special effects and was a downright snoozefest. I loved seeing a young Bruce Boxleitner though and I’m still excited about the sequel.

10. Speaking of Bruce Boxleitner, sometimes I just sit around and memories of Babylon 5 randomly come back to me and I just remember what an amazing show (experience may be a better word for it) that was. “Only one human captain has ever survived battle with a Minbari fleet. He is behind me. You are in front of me. If you value your lives, be somewhere else.”

So if you haven’t already heard, I got an iPad. I realize the “if you haven’t already heard” makes it sound like I think my life is worthy of water cooler conversation, but I’m talking more about facebook and twitter. Anyway, last Thursday me and my parents decided to go to the Jewish deli for dinner one night. They make awesome pastrami sandwiches, but it’s a good half hour drive to get there, so we generally don’t go very often. But this time, the pastrami hankering was just too much to ignore, so we went.

But you know what else is in the vicinity of that superb Jewish deli? The closest Apple store, which I also don’t go to much considering the trek. And yes, a half an hour is a trek. Maybe I need to reevaluate my definition of trek, especially in terms of finding a suitable mate? Anyway, so I figured if we were going to make the long journey all the way to the Jewish deli, I might as well just call the Apple store and see if they had any iPads in stock. You know, just to see. Not that I was gonna get myself one or anything, I just wanted to check.

Alas when I called, the clerk told me that they only had the 16GB in stock. I suddenly became torn. They had them in stock, but only the 16GB, which is the smallest. I mean, not that I was getting one or anything, so what did I care, but whatever. I quickly went to facebook and twitter, consulting my friend Michael who has one to see if he thought a 16GB was big enough. Naturally he has the biggest one (that’s what she said) and thought maybe the 16GB might be too small, especially if I want to put a videos on it.

So after our delicious pastrami sandwiches (and potato knish for me, along with considerable amounts of hemming and hawing), we decide to stop by the Apple store, just to check them out. I was leaning towards getting the 16GB, telling myself if I keep careful track of my usage, size shouldn’t matter (that’s not what she said). But I couldn’t relax about it. What if it was too small? What if I spent that kind of money only to regret it? I realize this problem could have been resolved if I just ordered whichever one I wanted online, but I hate making big expenditures like that online. If I pay for something, I want to leave a store with it in hand, and not have to wait anxiously for it to be delivered. But again, what did I care because I just wanted to check it out.

So we get to the Apple store and I find a clerk and I ask again, just like I did over the phone “Do you guys have any iPads in stock?” to which they reply, “Yes, we have the 16GB and 32GB.” To which I thought “Yes, yes, sweet Jesus hallelujah!” while on the outside I played it cool, because I was just there to check them out. So I play around with the display models, falling more and more in love with every touch and swipe. I think back to the new TV and blu-ray player I had already bought myself. Did I really need another thing to congratulate myself for my new job with? No. And what would that delightful Vanston think? But I already paid off my credit card, so really, it’s as if that purchase never even happened. Riiiiiight. Plus as my Mom puts it, if I was dating someone, I’d probably have to spend that money on holidays and presents and such, which actually does help in its own sad little way.

“Oh sir! I’ll take the 32GB please.” And the rest is history. It hasn’t been out of my sight since. It’s really quite amazing. I got the Pages app so I can work on my writing on the go, and the Scrabble and Pinball apps so I can procrastinate working on my writing as well. The Wordpress app leaves a lot to be desired, so I need to figure out a way to make that work, or try blogging through Safari. It’s amazing how easy it is to type on the iPad, especially when held in landscape, the keyboard seems fullsize. I love that my iPhone app games work on it as well, especially when you can blow up DoodleJump and Rat on a Scooter to fit the whole screen. It’s magical!

I know it’s only been a few days, but so far I don’t have any regrets about my purchase. If there’s one thing I regret, it’s the purchase of my netbook about two years ago. I only brought it on a few trips, and stopped carrying it around for my commutes only a few months after getting it. I bought it when my lone laptop was slowly dying. I thought I would use it more, but after I bought it, my regular laptop went kaput and I had to replace that anyway, and the netbook never got much usage (except for my novel writing month, so I guess that alone makes it worth it). So I’ve given the netbook to my parents as a hand me up as long as they take me out to dinner.

So there we have it. I’m now the proud owner of an iPad, which means the 2nd generation iPad with a million and one additional features will be out any day now. I know Steve Jobs keeps a close eye on my Apple purchases, just waiting for the right moment to strike! Any of you people out in cyberworld have one? Any app recommendations or nuggets of wisdom you wish to pass along to a new user? If you don’t have one, what was the latest thing you splurged on and treated yourself to?

So it was Memorial Day weekend here! I took friday off too, so it was a super long weekend for me. Since all my job drama seems to have settled down for a bit and I actually have a career path moving forward, I decided to treat myself to a new television and blu-ray player for my room to replace the 19″ I had. I went with a 32″ Sony Bravia and Panasonic blu-ray player with WiFi. Forgetting that my Mom puts the boy she babysits to sleep in my room, I was unable to set everything up as soon as I got home, and having to let them sit in the box was agonizing, made worse by the fact that I was seeing Sex and the City 2 that afternoon with Amanda and her friends, so I wouldn’t be able to set everything up until I got home that night. Agonizing!

So we went to see Sex and the City 2, while all my wonderful toys waited for me at home in their boxes. The movie was good, but not as good as the first one. The first one was an epic that made ma laugh and cry (shut up), while this one just seemed like an extended episode. Not that that’s a terribly bad thing. Just seeing the characters again is good enough for me. But there was just something lacking from this one. Overall it was enjoyable though.

Then I raced home and set up my wonderful television and blu-ray player. It was a cinch to set up and everything looked wonderful. I tested out the blu-ray with the latest Star Trek. I was only going to watch the first 5 minutes just to see how everything looked, but of course I got sucked in and watched the whole thing. It was gorgeous! Now I’m certainly not going to start replacing my DVDs with blu-rays, but I did pick up a few blu-rays that were on sale just to see how everything would look. I got Star Trek, X-Men 2, The Dark Knight, and Kingdom of Heaven: Directors Cut. I also watched several episodes of my Star Trek: The Next Generation DVDs and they look fantastic. I don’t know whether it’s just being played through the blu-ray player, or being on the HD television, or a combination of both, but they’ve never looked so good. I’m absolutely thrilled with my purchase!

The next day I had to leave my precious entertainment center behind to go out to my aunt’s beach house on the north fork of Long Island. It was a beautiful day of sun and relaxation, and I finished the Dark Phoenix graphic novel that Polt sent me, which was awesome.

Then sunday it was back home to my precious (read: preeecccciooouss), where I watched a boatload of Star Trek: TNG. I’m almost done with the third season. People said that the third season was where it started picking up, and they were certainly correct. Yesterday’s Enterprise was amazing! As much as I prefer shows with ongoing storylines, watching Star Trek really gives me new respect for shows that have to create new storylines each and every episode. They’re like mini movies! I really need to give these writers credit for being able to create such diverse and fresh storylines each week.

That night I made plans to go to the movies with a friend. Guess which one he wanted to see? That’s right: Sex and the City 2! He’s not a movie person, so it was a pretty big deal for him to actually want to go to the movies (Sex and the City is one of his favorite TV shows), plus I really wanted to hang out with him again, so I didn’t let on that I had seen it already (I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know about the blog). I actually enjoyed it more the second time since my expectations weren’t as high.

Oh, and somewhere in that day I helped Mom and Dad open the pool, which is always a shoot myself in the face joy.

Monday was spent running errands with Dad, and a bit of shopping with Mom. I picked up the Monster Squad blu-ray at Best Buy for $9.99. I remember seeing a movie on television when I was in high school that had all the classic movie monsters in it, and Frankenstein’s monster ended up teaming with the main character kid and helping save the day. I vividly remember a scene where someone died and was placed into a burning fireplace. I’ve been looking for that movie ever since. I thought Monster Squad would be it, but it wasn’t, but I still enjoyed it though. Maybe it was a made for TV movie? I don’t know. Any ideas?

And now it’s Tuesday and I’m back at work. Only two more episodes of the third season of TNG, which I will watch tonight (along with the first episode of the fourth season because I know all about it and you can’t expect me to wait till next season to see how it ends do you?).

1. I am so over this TV season. Don’t get me wrong, all the shows have been swell, but I’m just over the schedule of 2 or 3 shows a night, if not more. What am I looking forward to doing with all my free time? Catching up on DVDs of course!

2. Is there something off about these new episodes of Glee? I mean, I love it of course, there’s just something not quite as magical as the first half of the season. And where is Quinn living?! Continuity is certainly not one of Glee’s strong points.

3. I’ve been enjoying the new batch of Chucks after the original 13 ended. The one thing this show seriously lacks though is a proper villain. It needs an Arvin Sloane.

4. Could I possibly be rooting for Parvati on Survivor? Seems crazy, but I just might be.

5. Only two more episodes of Legend of the Seeker left and then it’s done forever. So so so sad. It’s such an amazing show. The fight scenes, special effects, and scenery never cease to amaze me. And Cara is one of my favorite characters currently on television. If only Richard would cut his hair.

6. Job hunting is exhausting.

7. If I get a new job I’m congratulating myself with an ipad, which you probably already know because it’s all I’ve been talking about on Facebook and Twitter. Someone sat in front of me on the train the other day with an ipad and he was watching something Star Wars. It was a double whammy of awesome (and jealousy) which sealed the deal for me.

8. I started reading Batman: Dark Victory the other day. Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale are amazing.

9. I really like the Ke$ha song Your Love is My Drug, but the last 10 seconds really bug me for some reason. I always change the station when the song is almost over. So… so… bleck… arg… gross…

10. Daria: The Complete Animated Series comes out on DVD today. I wonder if it’s as good as I remember? I think I’ll pick it up when the price goes down.

Ugh. It’s 3:52 AM and I’m wide awake. Dad is in his room going crazy. Worse than usual tonight, which is saying something. Okay, maybe “going crazy” is a bad way of putting it, but if I told you he’s been moaning loudly all night you’d probably get the wrong idea. Besides, I’m pretty sure my Dad doesn’t even know what sex is because making babies that way is a whole hell of a lot easier than piecing one together in your basement. But then again, my Dad is such a dork I’m sure he’d still have built me anyway even if he did know what sex was. See what I did there? I’m treating my Dad not knowing what sex is as fact. Try it sometime, your quality of life will increase exponentially.

So yeah, Dad moaning like some wild banshee. You see, he was in an accident before he made me and his leg bothers him a lot. He’s in his forties and has to walk around with a cane and he never ever wears shorts. I only saw his leg once when he fell in the shower and I had to help him out. It just happened the one time, but like any normal family, we never spoke about it ever again. But it was crazy. His leg was like, mangled. It’s the only word I can think to describe it. Like it was crushed by the giant cartoon gears of Big Ben (I don’t know, for some reason when I picture the inside of Big Ben, it’s a cartoon) or something. That reminds me, when I’m president, I’m making a law where anyone over the age of thirty has to wear a bathing suit when they take a shower just for situations such as these. Gross.

He doesn’t like to talk about the accident, but apparently it was with some former employer which he then sued the pants off of and got a ton of money, which is why he doesn’t have to work anymore. I mean, don’t get me wrong, we certainly don’t live like Hiltons or anything. In fact, kinda just the opposite. Like, there aren’t gun shots outside our house or anything, but it’s not like we live in the best neighborhood either. But the way Dad explains it, he’d rather us live modestly and let the lawsuit money last longer than live in some lap of luxury or whatever and be broke in a year. But we’ve lived here my whole life and even though it isn’t the swankiest house around, it’s still home. Plus I would imagine it would be a major bitch to move Dad’s laboratory (and I’d probably be expected to help) so it’s probably best we stay here.

Just a little about my Dad. His name is Isaac, like Sir Isaac Newton. Between the ages of nine and thirteen, I got my Dad nothing but presents with apples on them. You know, like the apple that fell out of the tree and taught him about gravity? A tie with apples on it for Father’s Day, a silver apple paperweight for Christmas, so on and so forth. I thought I was being really super clever, you know, them both being scientists and all. Yeah, well, my Dad didn’t get it. Turns out he isn’t really a fan of apples (who doesn’t like apples?) and had no idea why I was so obsessed with them. For someone whose name stems from the hebrew word for laughter, he can be a bit of a stick in the mud sometimes. One time me and Jamie convinced him to play Clue with us and he spent the entire time complaining about the fact that the weapons could be ruled out a lot faster if he could examine the body. And while yes, if Mr. Boddy had a gunshot wound, you can be fairly certain that he wasn’t killed by the candlestick, that isn’t the point of the game.

He’s never been married and doesn’t leave the house much. I have to do most of the shopping for us, but Dad is definitely the cook. He’s obsessed with Martha Stewart and watches her show like everyday and copies all of her recipes. That’s right. My Dad the mad scientist is in love with Martha Stewart. He says he admires her “stern focus and scientific approach to achieving goals” whatever that means. She scares the shit out of me. But I’m sure my Dad would love nothing more than for her to be my Mom. “Welcome to my home Martha, here is your new stepson Frank. I made him in my basement. Shall we have duck bourguignonne with chestnut spaetzle tonight?” But to be honest, I have a feeling Martha would be pretty cool with the whole Frankenstein’s monster thing. She’s just that fucking crazy.

Okay, Dad seems to have settled down for now. I need to go to bed. I have a spanish test tomorrow today.