The Year 3000

Wormholes are common and often bring unsuspecting victims from the cruel and unforgiving past into the crueler and unforgivinger future. It is the goal of this guide to give those poor fools a fighting chance.

In the year 2372, tired of the wars that ravaged our planet since it’s creation, God made Himself known to us once and for all and took His mortal form on Earth to teach His creations the beauty and passion of peace. Unfortunately for us, God’s mortal form is that of a monkey, and His lessons came in the form of flying feces. The one good thing that came out of His appearance was that it settled the debate between Evolutionists and Creationists proving both were right. God did in fact create us in His image and then we evolved from there. When asked what the meaning of life was, God meditated in solitude for three days, and when He finally emerged He looked upon the eager crowd and replied “Eee, eee, ooo, ooo, eee.”

When the Culcari (May They use the drumsticks of little drummer boys as toothpicks to get the little bits of little drummer boys out from in between Their teeth.) invaded in the year 2681, they denounced all religions and declared themselves gods. Such a proclamation would have have been deemed ludicrous had they not eaten Bobo the chimp — also known as God — as they did so.

The main belief behind the Culcari (May Their oil last fifty nights, so that you may see Them laughing at your puny seven night lasting oil.) religion is that the universe was created by the Almighty Culcar as a gift to his children, the first Culcari so that They had a playground to create playthings to play with, which is generally what someone does with playthings. It is said that humans were created after a group of Culcari (May no fruit be forbidden from Their lipless bite.) played the game Who Can Create the Gayest Thing? Each of the Culcari presented their creations to the Almighty Culcar. And so the scripture reads:

And lo, the Almighty Culcar beheld a many gay things that day: a unicorn, a fairy, a boatshoe, but none gayer than the human race.

From that day onward, the creation of man was celebrated as a day of joy and triumph. In fact, it was on this holiday in the year 2681 that the Culcari (May They suck the fat out of Buddha and leave him a huddled mass of skin and bone.) invaded Earth. What better way to celebrate the supreme gayness of humanity than by making them your bitch? Onward, the holiday is celebrated with a feast and gladiatorial tournament of humans versus humans. The fiercest humans from around the world battle in a vast arena to the delight of humans and Culcari alike. When the final human stands triumphant, they are quickly vanquished and eaten by the Culcari Overlords (May They desecrate the Kaaba and use it as a Rubik’s Cube, and when They get frustrated with the Rubik’s Cube, may They smash you with it.) as a reminder to all humans that even their strongest warriors are very, very gay by Culcari standards.

While the Culcari religion is a universal mandate, small pockets of most other religions survive to this day, though they are forced to live in secret for fear of persecution. It is these small pockets, these humans who still have faith — faith in God, faith in science, or faith in the human spirit — that are the biggest thorn in the Culcari’s (May Their apocalyptic flood waters never recede.) scaly, muscular sides.

Wormholes are common and often bring unsuspecting victims from the cruel and unforgiving past into the crueler and unforgivinger future. It is the goal of this guide to give those poor fools a fighting chance.

In the years prior to the Culcari (May our screams be music to Their ears.) invasion, the music industry continued much as it had in the early 21st century. Digital downloads increased while physical sales diminished, albums continued to have only three or four good songs, and “anything but country and hardcore rap” continued to be the most popular answer to the Favorite Music sections of suburban white kids’ online profiles.

Following the trend of Apple’s original iPod, the iPod Mini, and the iPod Nano, music devices continued to shrink as they evolved, similar to the evolution of the clitoris. In the year 2049, Apple introduced the first digital music player that could be implanted directly into the human ear. Microsoft quickly marketed a similar product and for the first time in the iPod/Zune battle, the Zune prevailed since Apple continued to refuse consumers the ability to change the battery in their devices and people were unwilling to spend a week in the Apple factory getting the battery in their ear replaced. Luckily, many smug and determined Mac users lost their lives being shipped in over-sized cardboard boxes.

Music itself continued to evolve through the later half of the 21st century, and the standard music genres that you are familiar with were eventually replaced with more forthright genres such as Sex, Violence, Noise, Pathetic Girls Degrading Themselves for Loser Guys, and Lesbian. Musical theater suffered drastically in the 23rd century. The ban on gays in the military was lifted during World War 3, unfortunately three quarters of the world’s gay population was killed after Operation Sashay (documents uncovered later proved that it’s official name was Operation Homocide) proved to be a failure (documents uncovered later proved that it was actually a huge success). Productions of Oliver were the only shows available for ten years while a new batch of theater geeks matured.

After the Culcari (May They pluck our heartstrings on Their fleshy violas.) invasion of 2681, our Overlords – in their infinite wisdom – banned all forms of entertainment that did not please them, including human music. It was not until 2793 that the Culcari (May They use our organs as organs.) lifted this ban, but only for reworked Britney Spears songs such as: Hit You Baby One More Time, You’re a Slave 4 Me, and Oops!…I Raped You Again.

Now go forth weary time traveler! Next time you hear a song, stop a moment, tap your foot and enjoy, as it may be your last.

Wormholes are common and often bring unsuspecting victims from the past into the future. It is the goal of this guide to give those poor fools a fighting chance in the cruel and unforgiving world of the future.

By the mid-twenty-fifth century the sports industry experienced a major decline. Steroid use was running rampant and testicular shrinkage had a severely negative impact on the reproductivity of athletes around the world. In a sense, athleticism was bred out of the human genome. Not only did this cause the crash of the sports industry, but it was also a major contributing factor to the success of the Culcari (May They take pleasure in peeling our skin, as a child does paste from their fingers) invasion of 2681. Just as they are incapable of throwing a ball, nerds are unsuited to fight eight foot tall lizard people.

The sports industry tried to persevere through the shortage of athletes, however ticket sales to all major sporting events declined steadily due to the lack of excitement during games. Inversely, game times increased exponentially due to zero-zero tied game scores and extended overtime, extra innings, and sudden death instances. Currently the longest game on record is a professional dodgeball game that lasted 3 days, 15 hours, and 48 minutes, and only ended in a deadlock when anxiety attacks crippled all members of both teams. There is also word of a WNBA match that lasted over 4 days, however this cannot be confirmed because there were no witnesses.

In an attempt to revitalize the sports industry — and thin the masses — our Culcari Overlords (May our hairs never get caught on Their tongues) created the Planetary Gladiatorial League, pitting Culcari Warriors against Human Infidels. Matches were held in large arenas to roaring crowds of Culcari and televised worldwide. Due to the reclassification of Infidels as viruses, the Culcari gladiators were often referred to as Doctors, many using the catchphrase “Can you smell what the Doc is cooking?” It was later discovered that interplanetary transmissions of The Scorpion King reached the Culcari homeworld in 2573 where they quickly became rabid Dwayne Johnson fans. It is rumored that their disappointment upon hearing of his death hundreds of years prior to their arrival on Earth is what spurred their hatred of Infidels. Mr. Johnson’s agents were unavailable for comment.

History of the medical field has taught us one thing: Disease and sickness evolve and strengthen at a similar rate as our means to prevent them, and thusly, disease will always have the capacity to surpass our means of treatment and prevention. When the Ebola virus was treated, there was Small Pox to take its place. When the AIDS virus was treated, there was the KBM virus (marked by its instantaneous explosion of the genitalia upon contact) was there to take its place. Medicines could only do so much before the newest disease pillaged the human population. It was therefore determined that the key to proper healthcare was not to come from without, but from within.

That key was Nanobots. In 2137, Apple Corp. developed the iHealth system, introducing nanobots into the bloodstream, which act as super antibodies, cleansing blood, and preventing disease. While nanobots are introduced automatically into every human at birth, you don’t think those nanobots control themselves, do you? Of course not. The nanobots are controlled by a highly sophisticated computer system at Apple Corp., and for your convenience, there are several monthly plans that are available for purchase.

The monthly service to keep the software up to date with all the latest microbe and virus definitions is free until the age of 13, at which time the body has lost all of its natural ability to defend itself from even the mildest pathogens. The service fees thereafter depend upon the level of service you desire. $1000/month will prevent some colds. $50,000/month will prevent cancer as long as you sign up for the 70 year coverage plan. Eligibility for the service is contingent on your criminal history, and credit report. Service can be canceled by the provider at any time for any reason without notice, but the nanobots are yours to keep.

That is, until 2398 when the Robot/Human treaty, signed after the robot revolution, was enacted such that nanobots earned equal protection under the law, and were free to come and go as they please. If the iHealth system does not appeal to you, Microsoft released the ZuNano system, which works just as well as iHealth, at a lower cost, but due to poor marketing and public awareness, just isn’t as cool.

After the 2681 invasion and conquest of the Earth by our Culcari Overlords (May Their stomachs never fill at the all-you-can-eat infidel buffet) the Human Race (hereby referred to as the infidels) was officially removed from the Six Kingdoms of Species and reclassified as a virus. Since viruses have no protection under the law, all human rights were therefore stripped away from the infidels. There have been moves to return these rights to the infidels, however due to the complex nature of this issue (if you give rights to one virus, suddenly all viruses will want rights and before you know it, a family of Hepadnaviridae will be selling cupcakes at your kindergartener’s bake sale) it is an uphill battle.

Due to the viral classification of the infidels, the use of any kind of health treatment (including nanobot technology) was deemed a purposeful spread of a virus, therefore biological warfare and an act of terrorism. Because of this, all nanobot technologies were either closed down, or taken over by the criminal underground, where prices skyrocketed, though monthly rates could be substituted by providing certain “services” to the criminal underlords. (Participation in the “service” program is voluntary, however they are in control of system of nanobots running through your bloodstream, so it’s kinda not.)

Though the average lifespan of an infidel has steadily decreased in recent years, according to our Culcari Overlords (May Their slip ‘n slides run slick with our blood) the Universe has never been healthier.

Wormholes are common and frequently bring unsuspecting citizens of the 21st century into the 31st century. That’s why I’m here. Your friendly neighborhood guide to the future. My goal is to help you understand and be able to fit in with the futuristic society of the future.

Today’s Edition: Raising Children in the Future!

I know you came to the future expecting miracles, and wonders beyond your imagination, but we humans still haven’t unlocked the key to immortality, and we still occasionally enjoy bombing the shit out of each other, so we still require ways of replenishing our population. Until that glorious day when we can gather all the children of the world and say: “So long kiddies! Your services are no longer required!” and shoot them into space, children are still a required aspect of human life.

Since the evolution of the stinging vagina tentacle in 2711, straight vaginal sex has been deemed impossible for all but the most masochistic of men. Due to this evolutionary tailspin, all children are born in what are called Procreation Stations. After passing a simple (read: very simple) intelligence test, you and your partner will be deemed qualified enough to become parents. Once the pair of you submit genetic material, three potential children will be gestated and birthed in state-of-the-art robo-uteruses, and raised for a period of five years by a trained staff. This allows the parents to avoid those troublesome (read: cry-y) baby years, and permits you to choose the baby of your choice, because you really can’t tell if a kid is going to grow up to be hot until they’re at least 5 years old anyway. Unpicked children (hereby referred to as “uggos”) will remain at the facility and trained to work there making the Procreation Station completely self-sufficient. It’s Green!

Nothing is more powerful than the bond between a parent and their child. That is why after retrieving your brand new child from the Procreation Station, they will live with you for a period of two weeks, allowing you to connect with them before they are shipped off to Schooling Facilities for the next 13 years. Your child’s Managers (sometimes referred to as “Teachers”) will keep you abreast of their progress and send you letters of love and adoration from your children, which will allow you to show off to all your friends. The archaic practice of testing and grading children has been eliminated in favor of coddling and indulgence in the interest of protecting their delicate self-esteem. Besides, if you wanted a smarter child, you should have picked the uggo at the Procreation Station while you had the chance.

When your child reaches 18 years of age, they will graduate (the term is used loosely of course, lest you forget their delicate self-esteem) from the Schooling Facility, and returned to your care. At this point, you’d probably like to avoid any awkward conversation and send them off to college. Not so fast! All forms of higher learning have been banned by our Culcari Overlords (May our spines be the wishbones upon which They feast) because we infidels require no knowledge beyond what is taught to us by our wise and noble Culcari Overlords (May our spines break evenly so that They may all garner what They wish, for Their wishes benefit us all).

Your last duties as parents will be to ensure the quick marriage of your child. You will wish this to be done as quickly as possible to prevent any unpleasant interactions while living together. After all, no one likes a complete stranger living in their household. Due to the extreme coddling and indulgence your child will have received at the Schooling Facility, they will have developed minimal social skills, and will be unable to find a suitable mate on their own. Luckily for you, Marriage Centers are readily available to find your child’s perfect match and handle all the arrangements for the wedding. When the big day arrives, your only concern will be remembering their name and staying sober enough for the obligatory parent/child dance to the song that will be generated via computer based upon each of your interests.

If there is one thing you should learn from your experience of parenthood, it should be the importance of donating generously to the scientific community. The sooner we are able to find the key to immortality, the sooner we don’t have to put up with this bullshit anymore.

Wormholes are common and frequently bring unsuspecting citizens of the 21st century into the 31st century. That’s why I’m here. Your friendly neighborhood guide to the future. My goal is to help you understand and be able to fit in with the futuristic society of the future.

Today’s Edition: Marriage in the Future!

In your time, marriage was a sacred institution between and a man and a woman. The definition of marriage was the following:

marriage: the social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, etc.

In the year 2401 when gay marriage was legalized, the institution of marriage started down a path of disintegration that would never be the same again. The definition of marriage became the following:

marriage: the social institution under which two people establish their decision to live as husband and wife or husband and husband or wife and wife or girly husband and butch husband or femme wife and diesel wife or anything inbetween and anything inbetween by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, pagan ritual sacrifices, etc.

After the gays came the polygamists in the landmark case McElroy v. The State of Utah of 2478. The polygamists fought their case impeccably. Not only was it found unconstitutional to prohibit willful adults from entering into a marriage of three or more persons, but by this point in history a two income family was no longer able to sustain a household, hence marriages of three or more were encouraged. The definition of marriage became the following:

marriage: the social institution under which two or more slightly willing people establish their decision to live as any combination of husbands and wives regardless of how creepy or gay any of the members may appear by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, pagan ritual sacrifices, etc.

Next came the zoophiles in the case Forberg v. The State of Wyoming of 2503. Activist judges deemed it unconstitutional to prevent a man or woman from entering into a marriage with a person or animal. Rather than changing the definition of marriage again, the definition of people was changed to the following:

people: any organism capable of making sweet, sweet love, regardless of how unsanitary it may appear to the untrained eye.

You should have seen the celebratory parade that went through Cheyenne, Wyoming as thousands of zoophiles trotted with their loved ones to apply for their marriage licenses. It was magical! The singing — oh the singing! — was so joyous:

Old MacDonald had a farm,
E-I-E-I-O!
And on this farm he had a spouse,
E-I-E-I-O!
With a neigh neigh here,
Or a baa baa there,
Here an oink, there an oink,
Everywhere a wife wife!

What a disappointment it was when the animals didn’t have social security numbers or the ability to sign their names, making applying for marriage licenses impossible.

Finally came the pedophiles, however no case was ever brought to trial because everyone who tried was shot dead outside the courthouse. Apparently people don’t like pedophiles. Interesting.

By the year 3000 the institution of marriage was no longer in place solely for the reproduction of children. After nearly a 1,000 years of shooting men and women incapable of reproducing out of a canon into the sun, the sun became unstable, nearly forming a supernova, and it was decided that for the benefit of mankind, unfruitful men and women would remain on Earth where they would still serve some sort of purpose to society, like, as seesaw partners for fat kids or something.

In this more civilized time, the true meaning of marriage became evident: Love. We live a large portion of our lives searching for love, and until we find it, it’s like we’re searching for a piece of ourselves. Marriage is an institution in which we can celebrate this love. Now would be a good time to tell you that the definition of love was changed to the following:

love: the state of being where you are able to have sex with someone and still want to have breakfast with them the next morning, rather than just saying so the night before in order to get laid.

Go forth citizen of the future! Find love!

Wormholes are common and frequently bring unsuspecting citizens of the 21st century into the 31st century. That’s why I’m here. Your friendly neighborhood guide to the future. My goal is to help you understand and be able to fit in with the futuristic society of the future.

Today’s Edition: The Politics of Tomorrow!

In the year 2297, human civilization reached a crossroads. We could either continue fighting with each other, or reach a peaceful resolution. Since no one remembered why started fighting in the first place, we decided to make nice with each other. We lived in glorious peace for centuries. That is until the Culcari (Praise be with Them) invasion of 2681. Since humanity had stopped fighting wars with each other, our civilization completely forgot how to defend ourselves. It was an easy victory for the Culcari (Honor Them with your sacrifices). Looking back, world peace was probably the worst thing that happened to us. If you ever happen to make it back to the past, be sure to punch someone of a different religion, just to keep things going.

Now in the year 3000, humanity is ruled by our Culcari Overlords (May the blood of Their enemies fill the streets) who rule from their orbiting spaceships. It is not the will of our Culcari Overlords (A pox upon the house of anyone who wishes Them harm) to impose their values upon humanity. While they rule with a just and iron fist, it pleases them to leave humanity’s values and laws in place. These values and laws may have changed since your time, so let us quickly review the most basic principles of human law.

Voting: Since it is rightly assumed that you agree with the wisdom of our Culcari Overlords (May Their teeth never know dullness) voting is no longer necessary.

Universal Language: When humanity (hereby known as “the infidels”) attained world peace in 2297 and a single united government was formed, it was decided that English would be made the official language of Earth. Not because everyone agreed that English is a superior language, but because Americans wouldn’t have it any other way.

Gay Marriage: It was a warm Spring day in 2401 when God came down to the infidels and declared that he approved of Gay Marriage, and that his name is Bob. Since opponents of Gay Marriage couldn’t use God as an excuse any longer, they admitted that the real reason they opposed Gay Marriage is because gay sex is icky. Luckily that reason didn’t hold up as well in court.

Abortion: Abortion ceased being an issue of contention when human evolution took the next logical step and women developed stinging vagina tentacles making sex completely impossible except for the most masochistic men and lesbos.

Gun Control: When the infidels reached world peace, all guns and weapons of mass destruction were incinerated and there was never any violence ever again. LOL! Just kidding. Without guns, criminals started using crossbows, axes, swords, catapults, spears, fists, stakes, maces, machetes, rapiers, and throwing stars. While still destructive, these weapons were useless against Culcari (Let the laserburns on our backs be a reminder that They truly love us) armament.

Corporal Punishment: If there is one thing that our Culcari Overlords (May Their children be birthed through the painful, deadly, and highly illogical process of bursting through the chests of infidels) have taught us, it is that the life of an infidel is meaningless. If one of these infidels is guilty of a crime, they are killed immediately. Unless of course that crime is something that pleases the Culcari (May They ravage our women while we are forced to watch and comment on Their massive junk), such as some sort of booby trap involving a banana peel, glue, and tortilla chips. Our Culcari Overlords (To know Them is to know the face of Bob) love slapstick.

There we have it. Go forth, you tiny insignificant infidel!

You wouldn’t believe the things I come across when I go through my old computer files. It’s like getting in a time machine, except I can step on all the damn butterflies I want. For example, take a look at this:

Like…say what? But then I remembered that I made it for THIS Guide to Surviving the Future post, but never used it. And the world made slightly more sense.

Always count your Cevorian Spider Chickens before they hatch.

You’ll want to know how many you’re up against once they do.
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