Wormholes are common and frequently bring unsuspecting citizens of the 21st century into the 31st century. That’s why I’m here. Your friendly neighborhood guide to the future. My goal is to help you understand and be able top fit in with the futuristic society of the future.

Today’s Edition: Marriage in the Future!

In your time, marriage was a sacred institution between and a man and a woman. The definition of marriage was the following:

marriage: the social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, etc.

In the year 2401 when gay marriage was legalized, the institution of marriage started down a path of disintegration that would never be the same again. The definition of marriage became the following:

marriage: the social institution under which two people establish their decision to live as husband and wife or husband and husband or wife and wife or girly husband and butch husband or femme wife and diesel wife or anything inbetween and anything inbetween by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, pagan ritual sacrifices, etc.

After the gays came the polygamists in the landmark case McElroy v. The State of Utah of 2478. The polygamists fought their case impeccably. Not only was it found unconstitutional to prohibit willful adults from entering into a marriage of three or more persons, but by this point in history a two income family was no longer able to sustain a household, hence marriages of three or more were encouraged. The definition of marriage became the following:

marriage: the social institution under which two or more slightly willing people establish their decision to live as any combination of husbands and wives regardless of how creepy or gay any of the members may appear by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, pagan ritual sacrifices, etc.

Next came the zoophiles in the case Forberg v. The State of Wyoming of 2503. Activist judges deemed it unconstitutional to prevent a man or woman from entering into a marriage with a person or animal. Rather than changing the definition of marriage again, the definition of people was changed to the following:

people: any organism capable of making sweet, sweet love, regardless of how unsanitary it may appear to the untrained eye.

You should have seen the celebratory parade that went through Cheyenne, Wyoming as thousands of zoophiles trotted with their loved ones to apply for their marriage licenses. It was magical! The singing — oh the singing! — was so joyous:

Old MacDonald had a farm,
E-I-E-I-O!
And on this farm he had a spouse,
E-I-E-I-O!
With a neigh neigh here,
Or a baa baa there,
Here an oink, there an oink,
Everywhere a wife wife!

What a disappointment it was when the animals didn’t have social security numbers or the ability to sign their names, making applying for marriage licenses impossible.

Finally came the pedophiles, however no case was ever brought to trial because everyone who tried was shot dead outside the courthouse. Apparently people don’t like pedophiles. Interesting.

By the year 3000 the institution of marriage was no longer in place solely for the reproduction of children. After nearly a 1,000 years of shooting men and women incapable of reproducing out of a canon into the sun, the sun became unstable, nearly forming a supernova, and it was decided that for the benefit of mankind, unfruitful men and women would remain on Earth where they would still serve some sort of purpose to society, like, as seesaw partners for fat kids or something.

In this more civilized time, the true meaning of marriage became evident: Love. We live a large portion of our lives searching for love, and until we find it, it’s like we’re searching for a piece of ourselves. Marriage is an institution in which we can celebrate this love. Now would be a good time to tell you that the definition of love was changed to the following:

love: the state of being where you are able to have sex with someone and still want to have breakfast with them the next morning, rather than just saying so the night before in order to get laid.

Go forth citizen of the future! Find love!

Wormholes are common and frequently bring unsuspecting citizens of the 21st century into the 31st century. That’s why I’m here. Your friendly neighborhood guide to the future. My goal is to help you understand and be able top fit in with the futuristic society of the future.

Today’s Edition: The Politics of Tomorrow!

In the year 2297, human civilization reached a crossroads. We could either continue fighting with each other, or reach a peaceful resolution. Since no one remembered why started fighting in the first place, we decided to make nice with each other. We lived in glorious peace for centuries. That is until the Culcari (Praise be with Them) invasion of 2681. Since humanity had stopped fighting wars with each other, our civilization completely forgot how to defend ourselves. It was an easy victory for the Culcari (Honor Them with your sacrifices). Looking back, world peace was probably the worst thing that happened to us. If you ever happen to make it back to the past, be sure to punch someone of a different religion, just to keep things going.

Now in the year 3000, humanity is ruled by our Culcari Overlords (May the blood of Their enemies fill the streets) who rule from their orbiting spaceships. It is not the will of our Culcari Overlords (A pox upon the house of anyone who wishes Them harm) to impose their values upon humanity. While they rule with a just and iron fist, it pleases them to leave humanity’s values and laws in place. These values and laws may have changed since your time, so let us quickly review the most basic principles of human law.

Voting: Since it is rightly assumed that you agree with the wisdom of our Culcari Overlords (May Their teeth never know dullness) voting is no longer necessary.

Universal Language: When humanity (hereby known as “the infidels”) attained world peace in 2297 and a single united government was formed, it was decided that English would be made the official language of Earth. Not because everyone agreed that English is a superior language, but because Americans wouldn’t have it any other way.

Gay Marriage: It was a warm Spring day in 2401 when God came down to the infidels and declared that he approved of Gay Marriage, and that his name is Bob. Since opponents of Gay Marriage couldn’t use God as an excuse any longer, they admitted that the real reason they opposed Gay Marriage is because gay sex is icky. Luckily that reason didn’t hold up as well in court.

Abortion: Abortion ceased being an issue of contention when human evolution took the next logical step and women developed stinging vagina tentacles making sex completely impossible except for the most masochistic men and lesbos.

Gun Control: When the infidels reached world peace, all guns and weapons of mass destruction were incinerated and there was never any violence ever again. LOL! Just kidding. Without guns, criminals started using crossbows, axes, swords, catapults, spears, fists, stakes, maces, machetes, rapiers, and throwing stars. While still destructive, these weapons were useless against Culcari (Let the laserburns on our backs be a reminder that They truly love us) armament.

Corporal Punishment: If there is one thing that our Culcari Overlords (May Their children be birthed through the painful, deadly, and highly illogical process of bursting through the chests of infidels) have taught us, it is that the life of an infidel is meaningless. If one of these infidels is guilty of a crime, they are killed immediately. Unless of course that crime is something that pleases the Culcari (May They ravage our women while we are forced to watch and comment on Their massive junk), such as some sort of booby trap involving a banana peel, glue, and tortilla chips. Our Culcari Overlords (To know Them is to know the face of Bob) love slapstick.

There we have it. Go forth, you tiny insignificant infidel!

You wouldn’t believe the things I come across when I go through my old computer files. It’s like getting in a time machine, except I can step on all the damn butterflies I want. For example, take a look at this:

Like…say what? But then I remembered that I made it for THIS Guide to Surviving the Future post, but never used it. And the world made slightly more sense.

Always count your Cevorian Spider Chickens before they hatch.

You’ll want to know how many you’re up against once they do.
SIDENOTE

If one finds themselves trapped in the future, it is important to know the rituals and customs of the civlization of the future.

In today’s edition: SURVIVING THE INEVITABLE ROBOT REBELLION!

In the future, robot rebellions are common and occur frequently. In order to survive these slight deviations in human dominance, always adhere to the following principles:

1) Plan ahead! Never purchase a robot with red eyes. Simple statistics state that 99.99% of robots who rebel against their human masters have red eyes.

2) Always link your entire robot community to one main power source or communications network. When the robot rebellion does occur, you will need to shut this power source/network down in a harrowing feat of strength and courage. Some have suggested not linking all robots to one main network to avoid collective thinking. These people are always the first to die when the robots turn.

3) Never program your robot to “protect all humans”. That will somehow get translated in their crazy robot brain as “put all humans in concentration camps to better protect them from the dangers of the outside world”.

4) Never, under any circumstances, program your robot slave with ninja-like abilities. That can only end badly.

5) Never treat your robot with compassion. When the robot rebellion does in fact occur, you will be unable to plead to your robot slave about how nicely you treated them in the past. Pleas such as “But I let you have your own room!” or “I always kept your joints well oiled!” will fall on deaf ears. You might as well abuse your robot slave while you have the chance. Once their programming becomes set on “KILL ALL HUMANS” there will be no room left for bargaining, and you’ll be kicking yourself for not asking for that extra foot rub when you had the opportunity.

For more Puntabulous Guides to Surviving the Future: CLICK HERE!

If one ever finds themselves stuck in the future, it is important to know the culture and rituals of the civilization of the future.

In today’s edition: Staying Young and Gorgeous in the Future

If you thought you left the days of superficiality behind you, if you thought you moved to a more enlightened era of human history, if you thought you were taken to a time and place where the old and ugly of the world could live free, without fear of persecution, fear not! You haven’t! The struggle to stay ageless still continues to this day.

In 2297 the world’s aging problem was thought to have been solved forever; The Fountain of Youth had been found. What a marvelous occasion that had been. People came out of their salons, their bordellos of beauty, their confines of cosmetics, and rejoiced. There was singing. Oh, the most joyous of singing! Happiness sprung from the oceans of wrinkly despair. People flocked like ugly ducklings to get a chance to keep their youth forever.

However, it was soon discovered that the Fountain of Youth had a severe catch. The problem was that the Fountain of Youth worked too well. By stepping just one toe (even that useless nubbin of flesh and bone called a pinky toe) inside the Fountain caused the user to be immediately thrust back into toddlerhood. Before anyone could stop themselves it was too late. The Fountain was suddenly stocked full of chubby-cheeked, thunder-thighed two-year-olds. While to some this image may seem “precious” or “adorable” or “unobjectionable”, just for a moment step back and think about the ramifications of hundreds of non-toilet-trained, two-year-olds in a public pool.

Gross.

After the problematic Fountain of Youth was burned to the ground (I wonder what ever happened to those babies?) another method of youthful aging had to be found. Humans briefly toyed with the idea of killing the nerve muscles on one’s face to allow the muscles to relax and the skin to smooth out. This idea was quickly struck down when people realized that it included KILLING THE NERVE MUSCLES ON ONE’S FACE.

Humans took the next logical step: robotics. Hell, if you’re going to look like a robot, you might as well get all the benefits. It started off innocent enough, a mechanical heart valve here, a cybernetic cornea there. But eventually - as things tend to go - the humans got out of hand. Full brain transplants into robotic shells became commonplace. It grew to be so routine that it became nearly impossible to tell the personality-void robots from blondes.

Those who did not wish to give into the cybernetic trend continued to struggle for years to maintain their youth and health. It was not until 2962 when an archaeological excavation uncovered the works of Hippocrates (460-377 B.C.) who determined that bathing in urine was an excellent way to preserve immunities and maintain youthful skin and appearance. Desperate to hold onto their youth, humans flocked to the only source of urine large enough to supply them all: The Fountain of Youth. It was not until they reached their destination that they remembered the fabled Fountain had been burned to the ground centuries before. All that was left was an empty shell of stone and the scattered remains of an ancient child-sized human subculture long since extinct.

Perhaps these tiny humans were the key to youth? Perhaps their secret is lost forever? Perhaps we’ll never know.

For more Puntabulous Guides to Surviving the Future: CLICK HERE!

If my “Puntabulous Guides to Surviving the Future” were a book, this would be the first chapter:

Greetings!

Welcome to the World of Tomorrow!

Well for you it’s the world of tomorrow; for me it’s the world of today. Actually it’s the world of today for you also, but not the today you are accustomed to. Just “today” meaning “today”. By all means, if you are reading this book, you have somehow found yourself in yesterday’s tomorrow. Or if it makes things simpler, you can think of it as tomorrow’s yesterday. But don’t get it confused with today’s tomorrow because that hasn’t happened yet; or tomorrow’s today because that’s just a ridiculous way of looking at things. So technically you are from the world of yesterday. But not “yesterday” meaning “yesterday”; “yesterday” meaning many yesterdays ago. But somehow you made it from yesterday’s yesterday, through yesterday’s tomorrow and into tomorrow’s yesterday being today.

With me? Good.

Believe it or not, I too came from the past. This makes me the ideal candidate to be guiding you through the first steps of your new and exciting life in the future. I was once like you: young, naive, uglier than sin. But look how I’ve grown. I’m gorgeous. The young swallow has left its nest and roosted in a new and even better nest. Bigger than my first, more private, and air conditioned.

Leave all your preconceived notions of the future in the past. No one wears shiny metals suits, there’s no such things as laser blasters, and aliens do not have any interest in mating with us (not matter how much we try). In fact there is none of that ridiculousness. The world of the future is much more based in reality than those from the past would ever suspect. People still go to work everyday, the sun still rises in the East, and April 15th is still Tax Day. The only differences are that people commute to work on dolphins, the sun is a beautiful shade of lavender, and rather than taking a large portion of our salaries, the Culcari Overlords take a large portion of the human population.

But let’s not be too hasty! I do not mean to say that the world is so similar to that of the past that you do not need to read this book. In fact, this book is so essential that you should have read it before even coming to the future. What were you thinking? It’s dangerous! It’s no excuse that this book wasn’t published in the time you came from. We of the future don’t let little things like the time-space continuum stop us. Really now, that’s just being lazy.

Don’t think I didn’t just hear you grumble at me. Yeah, I hear you. Books can do that now. Bet you didn’t know that, huh? Bet there are lots of things you didn’t know about future stuff. But if you don’t want any help, then by all means, stop reading and put me down.

Wait! Pick me back up! I was just kidding! Geez.

Alright, now that we have that out of our system, let’s continue, shall we? There are lots of stuff you don’t know; and there are lots of stuff that I do know. Ideally we should make a perfect pair. But not in that way, because our only connection is through this book and I would suspect that it could lead to some very painful and difficult-to-explain paper cuts.

So sit back, relax, find a place that hasn’t been overrun by Galaxian Raptor Beetles, and get ready to learn!

To read more “Puntabulous Guides to Surviving the Future” CLICK HERE!

When travelling to the future, it is important to know the customs and rituals of the civilization of the future.

In today’s edition: INTERPLANETARY TRAVEL

By the year 3000, interplanetary travel is as commonplace as mothers eating their young. There are a few rules, that one should keep in mind when travelling interplanetarily:

1) When travelling to an uncharted world, one should bring a few people you don’t know along. If you run into any trouble, chances are they will be the first ones killed. Never, under any circumstances bring your best friend. Depending on the genre of the planet, they could be in some very serious danger.

2) Don’t over pack! Pack smart! Don’t waste space with inessentials such as oxygen or food. While heavy artillery is recommended, the most important item you can bring to an unchartered planet is your “lucky” thing. Whether it be a small knick-knack, a pack, or even a necklace given to you by your dying mother before leaving you on a set of church steps. This item will single handedly save your life.

3) Don’t drink the water. Especially if it is given to you by a Fenerian Spider Monkey. The water is fine, they just use it as a distraction so they can fling poo at you.

4) Keep in mind that all planets will have a single environment. In fact, Earth is the only planet in the universe to have multiple climates and topographies.

5) With any luck, the inhabitants of the planet you land on will live exactly like an ancient Earth civilization. Not because this helps you survive or fit in any easier, but because it makes it more relatable to the audience.

Congratulations! You are now ready to travel to a new and exciting world! By the way, in the future, mothers ritually eat their young.

For more Puntabulous Guides to Surviving the Future CLICK HERE!

If one ever finds themselves stuck in the future, it is important to know the customs and rituals of the civilization of the future.

In today’s edition: SCIENTIFIC ADVANCEMENT

Suckees — people brought to the future by being sucked through a wormhole — are always shocked to see the advances in science in the civilization of the future. Here is an easy guide to understanding the scientific advances of the future:

TELEPORTATION:

In 2893, the first teleportation machine was created. Thousands flocked to try the machine for themselves. However, since only one machine was created, no one is quite sure where (and when) the teleporters travelled to.

NUTRITION:

Also in 2893, Soylent Green hits the market. It quickly becomes a huge sucess. Mmmm, delicious!

WEAPONRY:

In 2204, a sword made entirely out of light is created. It isn’t as random or clumsy as a blaster, however it does make you look a little gay.

BIONICS:

After a freak parachuting accident in 2170, the first fully integrated bionic appendages were used to save the life of an average woman. The procedure was thought to be a success until it was later found that everything the patient did occured in slow motion. The source of a bizarre music which occured during these times was sadly never found. The project was quickly deemed a failure and thusly abandoned. The patient never acted in anything decent again.

COMPUTING:

By the year 2561, personal computers became so small that they could be implanted inside the human brain and henceforth carried around and used at all times. Public masturbation runs rampant.

LIGHT:

In 2713, a lightbulb was created using a tiny hydrogen reactor, which prevented the bulb from ever burning out. Public masturbation runs rampant.

CLONING:

The first human was cloned in 2067. For the small price of $4,500,000, a person could own an exact replica of themselves. Some suckees might feel this is a bit overpriced, but to this I say: BEST PURCHASE EVER.

For more Puntabulous Guides to Surviving the Future: CLICK HERE!

If one ever finds themselves trapped in the future, it is important to know the customs and rituals of the civilization of the future. Suckees — people brought to the future by being sucked through a wormhole — are always shocked when they hear all the things they missed in the last 1,000 years.

To prevent yourself from looking foolish at a dinner party, here is a brief timeline of events that occured in the 2000’s:

2057: Lucky Charms reinvents itself by taking out the cereal pieces, leaving only the marshmallows. Mild seizures occur. TOTALLY WORTH IT.

2283: Saran Wrap outlawed for being a sucky product.

2284: Satan Wrap introduced to the market. One soul is all it takes to get those leftovers kept nice and fresh for tomorrow’s lunch.

2285: Tin Foil companies mysteriously vanish from the Earth. Sales in Satan Wrap skyrocket.

2402: Evolutionists celebrate as evolution is scientifically studied in real time as killer sharks roam the streets of New York. Creationists pretend not to notice.

2681: Sun burns out and the Earth is thrust into an icy darkness. The Ben Afflekatron and Bruce Willisbot 5000 take a rag tag team of misfits and perform a convoluted mission to get the Sun burning again. Liv Tyler still considered a terrible actress.

2745: The alien race of Kelarthians arrive on planet Earth. Episodes of “Lois & Clark” are just reaching their homeworld 10.83 lightyears away. They threaten to obliterate the human race if they are not told where Lois and Clark got the baby in the end. Humans quickly distract them with episodes of “Desperate Housewives”. But it was only a matter of time before they get to season 2 and the Kelarthians threaten bodily harm once again.

2803: Joan Rivers passes away.

2947: God reveals himself and claims he had no idea what he was doing when he created the Earth. He says it was only a side project to get him out of the house when Mrs. God was in one of her moods. “You know what I’m talking about fellas,” he said. Explains that the first humans really were Adam and Steve. Eve was created later to tell them how gorgeous they were and complain about how all the good ones are either gay or gay. Heterosexuality was created during Steve’s experimental college years. It had almost been a perfect world.