Puntabulous

If you somehow find yourself trapped in the year 3000, it is important to know the rituals and customs of the civilization of the future.

YOUR ROBOT AND YOU: FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS FOREVER

Suckees — people brought to the future by being sucked through a wormhole — are often shocked to see robots living amongst humans in the world of the future. Their initial shock is usually paired with immediate fright and distrust of the robots. This is due to turn of the 21st century movies depicting robots as evil, cruel beings (usually with red lights for eyes) that only wished to conquer the human race. This thought is silly, since by now everyone should know that nothing can destroy the human race, no matter how hard God tries.

The most common form of Robot is the Sex-Bot:

In the future, sex between humans has become increasingly rare. This is partly due to the fact that mankind has reached a point of enlightenment where physical pleasures hold no meaning to them anymore. It may also be due to the vagina having evolved ever more complex leaving men more hopeless than ever in attempting to give females any sense of pleasure in their nethers. It also grew a tentacle, but that will be discussed in another chapter.

Because of this fact, horny, science-fiction-obsessed nerds (otherwise known as nerds, the most helpless against the vagina) introduced the Sex-Bot to society in the year 2670. Initially, the price of the Sex-Bot was much too steep for everyday consumers. However by the year 2711 the sales of Sex-Bots increased dramatically when the vagina tentacle evolved a stinger and became venomous.

Sex-Bots of course come in two styles: Male and Female. Besides the obvious physical differences, there are subtle differences between the characteristics of the Male and Female Sex-Bots. While Females have no problem letting their cold metal feet rub up against yours, Males are equipped with retractable, unclipped toenail simulators for easy defense and escape maneuvers. Males are also designed to shut down precisely three minutes prior to sensing their partner will climax. Females on the other hand are designed to never climax, and then complain about it later.

When purchasing a Male Sex-Bot, it is highly recommended that you purchase a unit that is one size larger than you normally would, since they have a terrible habit of being an inch shorter than advertised on the box. It is also important to purchase a package of rubbers whether you purchase a Male or Female Sex-Bot. Do not get “rubbers” confused with the British idiom for condoms. Rubbers are the two inch thick foam rubber tubing necessary for penetration to prevent electrocution.

You are now ready to purchase your very own Sex-Bot! Go get em, Tiger!

For more Puntabulous Guides to the Future CLICK HERE.

If one finds themselves trapped in the future, it is important to know the millions of cultures that inhabit the planet Earth by the year 3000.

In today’s edition, I will discuss GRENIAL BUG MEN -

This native species of Grenia came to the planet Earth in the year 2543 when a new star formed in their system causing them to scatter when the light came on. Grenial Bug Men are distinguishable from other species inhabiting Earth because they are in fact giant Bug Men. If you see a Grenial Bug Man and do not recognize it as such, you have larger problems than just poor interspecies relations.

Grenial Bug Men often reside in dark, moist areas including sewers, undergrowth and beneath doormats. If you discover a Grenial Bug Man living under your doormat, it is best to leave him there. They have rough demeanors and are generally annoyed with you to begin with for not having a large enough doormat to cover their 7 foot frame.

There are no Grenial Bug Women. The effect this has on the Grenial Bug Men population is tremendous. The lack of a female gender causes the Grenial Bug Men to be bitchy, unathletic and pop-culture savvy.

Grenial Bug Men reproduce by spreading their seed throughout as much of the population as possible. Not a single Grenial Bug Baby has been born through this method, but the Grenial Bug Men continue to try anyway. God bless their optimistic spirit.

If a Grenial Bug Man initiates a conversation with you, it is important to appear interested in what they are saying. Grenial Bug Men can only speak in clicks and inaudible hums, but they are unaware that it is impossible for humans to understand them, so please nod and smile when in conversation with them. Failure to do so may appear rude and result in death by eating. If there is a pause in the conversation, chances are they are waiting for your reply. In these cases, it is wise to compliment the Grenial Bug Man on their looks. Grenial Bug Men are easily distracted by compliments. Take this opportunity to run away.

Congratulations! You just survived your first run in with a Grenial Bug Man. If not, better luck next time. This guide is non-refundable.

Previous Puntabulous Guide to Surviving the Future: Purchasing a Flying Car.

In today’s edition: Purchasing a Flying Car:

If one finds themselves trapped in the future, it is important to know how to get from one place to another. One from the past may assume that renting a flying car might be the way to go. However, due to the driving hazards inherent with flying cars, rental agencies are not able to pay the insurance necessary to cover their customers. One must also avoid all forms of public transportation due to the fact that most airbuses are overrun with the gangs left over from the Retharian invasion of 2376. Though we must hand it to the dedicated drivers of the airbus system who persevere, and manage to never miss a stop, even when loss of limb may slow them down (god bless them).

So unfortunately, the only option left open to our poor travelers from the past (often referred to as “Suckees” due to the fact that most accidental trips to the future occur when an unsuspecting victim is sucked through a wormhole) is to purchase a car.

When finding a model car suitable to the Suckee’s taste, one does not need to consider gas-mileage for the simple reason that gas supplies were depleted in the year 2376 in an effort to fight off the Retharian invasion, which as you know was a terrible failure and continues to plague airbus drivers (god bless them) to this day. Flying cars are now powered by solar energy, giving “rainy days” another meaning as flying cars often fall out of the sky when the sun becomes hidden behind a patch of clouds.

Seat belts and airbags are deemed unnecessary for the simple reason being that most flying car crashes result in plummeting to the ground from 7,000 feet screaming at the top of your lungs for the mercy of a god who does not appear to be answering at the moment, and henceforth, death.

Suckees are urged to look for the following qualities in a flying car to ensure safe traveling through the skies:

1) Windshield wipers that are sturdy enough to clean away the toughest of grime. One never knows when they will fly into a swarm of Velion Dung Beetles, Penguins (which by this time evolved into birds of flight) or murdered airbus drivers (god bless them) so you should always be prepared to sweep them away swiftly and streak-free from your windshield.

2) Doors. In the future there is still no better way of entering or exiting a flying car.

3) Ejector seats. Available only in top-of-the-line models, ejector seats allow drivers the ability to eject seconds before crashing into an oncoming vehicle (parachutes sold separately).

Once you have purchased your flying car, you are ready to hit the skies! And remember, if you ever find yourself in need of extra cash, there is always a position available for you in the airbus system as an honorable and dedicated airbus driver (god bless them).