Puntabulous

Thanks to my cousin Michelle for the genuine evil bunny and Dave S for the brilliantly bloody action shot!

Okay, so we added the ornaments, and I’m happy to report, that I think it looks just as good as last night. We used to have ordinary bells and balls, but every year my Mom buys us ornaments that represent something that has happened to us during the year, so every year there are less bells and balls, and more unique ornaments. These days, almost every ornament is unique. It’s a tree full of memories.

We got a new Christmas tree this year. (Yes, we use a fake Christmas tree, get over it.) It’s the kind with the lights already in it, and it made my life a million times easier. I think it came out really nice too. We almost don’t want to ruin it by putting the ornaments on, but can it really be a Christmas tree without ornaments? We don’t think so. So we’ll put on the ornaments tomorrow, but I fear it won’t look as nice. I’ll keep you updated!

I finished Hero by Perry Moore the other day. I absolutely loved it. It was fun, and geeky, and at times very moving (there may or may not have been tears). I loved the team of misfit superheroes trying to make a name for themselves in the League (of professional superheroes). Ruth, Scarlett, and Larry cracked me up and were a joy to read, while still having an emotional depth that made them fuller characters. The relationship between Thom and his father was also very touching, regardless of how frustrating it could be at times. I just wanted to yell “Get along already!”, but that’s life I suppose. Part of me wishes this book could have taken place in the DC universe, so we could use those superheroes, instead of making up new ones like Justice (a stand-in for Superman) and Silver Bullet (the Flash) but by the middle of the book I was able to appreciate the characters for who they were. But wasn’t Golden Boy the name of Jerry Seinfeld’s favorite t-shirt? That’s all I could think about every time (When will I learn that “every time” is two words and not one? Damn you Britney Spears for confusing me with your glorious balled Everytime!) I saw his name. And yes, the gay stuff was really great too. Now I’m really excited about the upcoming TV series based on this! AfterElton did a post about who should play each of the characters, and I have to say that I whole-heartedly agree with their choices! Now I’m reading World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War by Max Brooks. It’s an account of a world-wide zombie epidemic, as told through interviews with various people who have encountered them, starting with the doctor who tried to treat “Patient Zero” all the way through to global infestation. I’m really enjoying it so far! It’s completely different from anything else I’ve read before. Brian F would be proud!

I came home from work yesterday and found a package waiting for me in my stack of mail. It was a belated birthday present from Polt! Knowing that Polt could only be a bearer of awesomeness I opened it excitedly and found something beyond my wildest dreams. A Puntabulous Calendar! How fun is that?! He organized getting 10 other bloggers and frequent commenters and had them each submit a picture and gave them each a month!

January: Enrico from Hotel Tuesday.
February: Bossy from I am Bossy and the Vanilla vs Chocolate debate. And did you know I was one of Bossy’s featured gays?
March: Dave S from Life on the C-Bus and the To Work Out or Not to Work Out debate.
April: FDot from I Deny You the Nidus!
May: Tam from Ottowa, Ontario and the Puntabulous Parade.
June: Michelle M from Denver, Colorado and the Puntabulous Parade.
July: Heather, Mark (TwoPi), and Godzilla from 360 - The Math Blog and your lesson on disasters at sea cruises.
August: Casey from Moosh in Indy and the Cookie vs Brownie and Tall vs Short debates.
September: Suburban Kamikaze from the Winter vs Summer debate.
October: John and his adorable (and evil) Bunny from Rhode Island and the Puntabulous Parade.
November: Polt from Polt’s Palace and the Urban vs Rural debate.
December: Me and my reindeer ears!

Here they are for your viewing pleasure!

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: I have the most awesome fans in the blogosphere! Thank you very much Polt for organizing that for me! It’s incredible! And thank you everyone who submitted!

Don’t ask how I stumbled into this, but like The Matrix, once you start to delve into something this crazy, there’s no going back. I had to know more.

Professor Frisky von Onion Bagel, S. D. (aka Super Doggy) was born on August 12th, now known as International Youth Day. His home is Plant City Florida, which is also known as the Winter Strawberry Capital of America. Professor Frisky received his degree of Super Doggy [S. D.] from Gravity Free University. He loves people and animals, particularly children, and has made it his goal to teach and inspire everyone to be friends and to enjoy life while learning.

And this is his song:

Beware: Listening to this song will cause it to be stuck in one’s head for days, weeks, and possibly years (variables will become clearer upon further study). In some cases, obsession with song will make the listener research source of song and post blog entry about it. If one reaches this level of sickness, there is no hope. They should be taken out back and shot immediately to prevent further infection.

I’m not sure I had to specify that this was a Guest Post, because I’m sure you already know there is no way I’d write a post titled “Why I love football”, but I figured I’d specify it anyway. And that is the beauty of today’s post. Sports. We never talk about sports on here, and I’d say it’s about time we did. So I’m happy to welcome back my cousin Michelle who wants to share the reasons for her new found love of football with you:

1 - Not all the players look like Arnold Schwarzenegger:

I always envisioned football players having massive out of proportion hormone induced bodies. But that’s not the case at all, thankfully! They are all very tall - Eli Manning is 6′4 and brother Peyton is 6′5 for example. The shortest players like Ahmed Bradshaw are around 5′10. They also don’t have those abnormally big muscles. The linebackers don’t have to worry about running very far since they are responsible for tackling. So they are large (like 350 pounds!) but it’s more from fat than muscle. The others who do have to run are strong but as Goldilocks would say - just right. Like Eli… Do I have to say any more?

*Side note: I was really excited to find out there is an Eli Manning calendar. I was expecting the pics to be like that one. Instead they are like this…what an expression!

2 - The Calls:

There is a great interview with Peyton Manning on the Colts Superbowl DVD, in which he explains his strategy as Quarterback. Unlike many who simply use whatever play was called in the huddle. Peyton will often skip the huddle and decide what play to run after he’s seen how the defense has lined up. In order to tell his offense what play he has chosen, he uses all kinds of weird gestures and code words. The really funny thing is what the plays are called. Like Oklahoma, Bonanza and Ice Cream. It’s very amusing. Although it does kind of take away the drama of the moment.

3 - The Soap Opera Quality:

Ohhh, the drama! Learning about the different team rivalries and behind the scenes action is like following a soap opera. Such as the case when the coach of the San Diego Chargers left for Tampa Bay and gave all of the game tactics to them so they could beat the Chargers in the Superbowl. How awful is that? It’s not only entertaining in a gossipy sort of way. It makes the games more exciting when you know what’s happened before. Case in point: The Colts got to the Playoffs several years in a row, only to be beaten every time by the Patriots. In order to thwart Peyton’s stategy (see above), the defense would change their positions as he was making the calls so he wouldn’t know what they were doing. Also the Patriots fans made even more noise than usual to make it hard for him to communicate. Knowing all that, made watching the 2006 Playoff game when the Colts finally beat them even more intense and their victory all the sweeter.

4 - The Rules:

Understanding the rules of the game is a big part of the reason I started enjoying football. What still astounds me is the picky nature of many of them. If you catch a ball and you are out of bounds, it doesn’t count. Sounds simple, right? Not exactly…. They will replay it in super slow motion over and over, trying to distinguish not only if the feet were in bounds but every single millimeter of each foot was. If there is even a fraction on the line, it doesn’t count. It can be beyond frustrating. Of course this concentration on the minuscule can work the other way. For example, when the Giants played the Redskins, a penalty was called on Eli saying that he threw the ball when he was past the line of scrimmage (where the ball is placed.) The Giants challenged and the replay revealed that a teeny tiny part of his heel was still behind the line so the penalty was revoked!

5 - Wow! They’re actually human!

Another false belief that I had about football was believing that like other sports the game could be somehow rigged. After all they are making tons of money — win or lose, why would they care?

Watching the games dispelled any thoughts of this. The players are all tremendously invested emotionally in the outcome.

Take for instance, Tony Romo, the Quarterback of the Cowboys. Sure he’s known because he’s dating Jessica Simpson. But did you know that he actually cried when he fumbled the ball, causing the team to lose a playoff? I felt terrible for him but at the same time, it made me see him as human, not just a superstar.

6 - The Fun of the Game:

On the other side of the spectrum is the absolute joy that players show when they are winning. No where else can you see grown adult men jump up into each other’s arms in celebration. All the players do this and more - high fives, pat each others backs or butts etc. They will even practice what little dances they are going to do if and when they get a touchdown.

Brett Favre is probably the best example. He’s known not only because he will one day be in the Hall of Fame, he’s also known to be someone who shows to the Nth degree how much fun he is having. He still jumps up and down like a kid who got a pony for Christmas.

7 - Not being driven out of my skull (as much) by outrageous salaries:

I have to admit I used to be really miffed about sports players salaries. And I still believe that they are overpaid but it doesn’t bother me as much. Why? Yes, because in football your career isn’t that long. You are considered an old man if you’re 35. Yes, you are constantly putting your body on the line risking all kinds of broken bones and serious injuries. (Seeing a Cardinal player get knocked unconscious from helmet to helmet contact was very disturbing).

Mostly, though I started thinking about the criticism you are putting yourself in for. A movie star can get their ego hurt by a bad review but it’s so much worse for football players because fans take it so personally. If you are a winner, you’ll be treated like royalty but if you lose… Goodness help you! They couldn’t pay me enough money to have everyone in the city hate me. To have to go into every restaurant or store and have people boo or beat you up. No wonder the players need to have big egos!

8 - The Last Minute Saves:

The number one reason why I became addicted to football was because of the Superbowl last year when the Giants pulled a remarkable upset, beating the (to that point) undefeated Patriots. Nothing gets the blood pumping more than a game that comes down to the last plays in the final minutes of the game. This can be heartbreaking for the losers, such as the Chargers who lost their last four games in the final 24 seconds. Ouch!

In the case of the Superbowl however it was …different. The Patriots pulled ahead with just 2 minutes and thirty nine seconds left on the clock. Everyone especially the cocky Patriots assumed that it was all over. But Eli remained calm and determined and brought the Giants 82 yards in two minutes and scored the winning touchdown. I still get chills just thinking about it.

9 - The Miracle Plays:

Great plays don’t have to come at the end of the game. They can happen anytime. Plays that take your breath away. Like Colts receiver Marvin Harrison making a one handed catch. Or Giants Tight End, Kevin Boss weaving in out and high jumping over a tackler. In the last game against the Eagles, the Giants Kevin Dockery blocked a field goal and ran it back 71 yards for a touchdown in the last seven seconds of the half.

I have to go back to the Superbowl however for the best miracle play. In that last 2 minute 39 second drive. Eli Manning came this close to having the ball intercepted which would have ended the game. On the very next play, he was swamped by Patriots, everyone was sure he was going to be sacked (taken down). But somehow, someway he escaped and just heaved the ball down field 32 yards.

It happened so fast you didn’t even know if he knew where he was throwing.

David Tyree, who is not one of the regular receivers and who had dropped every ball in practice that week, leaped up, grabbing it, pinning it to his helmet to prevent the Patriot breathing down his neck from getting it. The audience screamed, the loudest happiest cheers I’ve ever heard because it was such a shock. A surprise. A miracle. Why I love football.

Ever since it was announced that NBC was giving Jay Leno a show at 10PM Monday through Friday after stepping down from The Tonight Show next year, everyone (read: no one) has been asking me what I think. Well I’m not exactly the most impartial person to ask, because I hate Jay Leno. He’s just not funny, and I think he’s a terrible interviewer. I also hate that he talks about his bazillion cars. Way to appeal to the everyman, Jay! Oh, and he’s downright rude to the “normal” people that come on the show for random reasons. Like when that old guy who dresses up in a penguin suit (a suit that looks like a penguin, not a tuxedo) and hangs out in Antarctica with real penguins came on the show, Jay did nothing but make fun of him the whole time. This happened like, five years ago, but I still hold a grudge on behalf of the cute old penguin man.

Anyway, I’ve been super excited for Conan O’Brien to take over The Tonight Show, but now they’re throwing this 10PM Jay Leno show at us. I hate it. Can’t he just go away and never come back? And why are you making up a show just for Jay Leno? Are you that desperate NBC? And are you just giving up on 10PM dramas altogether? I know it’s been a rough few years. I know that Law & Order now stars Anthony Anderson. I know that the Knight Rider reboot is both Hasselhoff and talentless. But that’s no reason to give up on a whole hour of scripted programming everyday, and to Jay Leno nonetheless! This surely goes down as one of NBC’s worst decisions in recent years, alongside such greats as:

1. Letting Jimmy Fallon take over for Conan O’Brien. He was unfunny on SNL,and I can’t imagine he’s improved much in the years since. One does not acquire great comedic skills while filming Taxi and Fever Pitch. No offense to Queen Latifah and Drew Barrymore of course.

2. Not having a black woman on the cast of SNL. Seriously. You have to bring back Maya Rudolph to play Michelle Obama? Or that new girl to play Jennifer Aniston as a guest host on The View because you’re sole black actor (don’t even get me started on Kenan) is busy wearing a wig as Whoopi, so there’s no one left to play Sherri.

3. Getting rid of the nun weather-woman character on Good Morning Miami.

4. The Apprentice after the first season.

5. 15 seasons of E.R. There was no bigger fan of E.R. than me. I stuck around after all the original characters left, still clinging to it, still enjoying it for the most part. But then about 3 years ago, I just couldn’t handle the crapfest they had turned it into and gave up. Part of me wants to be sad that I’m missing out on the final season. But a bigger part of me can’t muster up enough energy to care.

On last week’s Chuck we were introduced to Captain Awesome’s parents Mr. and Mrs. Awesome. Mrs. Awesome was played by Morgan Fairchild who is looking as plastic hot as ever. But it took me a second to realize who Mr. Awesome was played by. It’s none other than Bruce Boxleitner (Captain Sheridan) of Babylon 5! Check out the photographic evidence:

I’m still really enjoying Chuck a lot. It’s one of the few shows this season I watch not because I feel I have some strange obligation to (coughHeroescough) but because I truly enjoy it. The one thing I think it’s missing is Fulcrum personified. Yes, we know that Fulcrum is the bad organization out to destroy the world, but we need a single person to focus our bad guy energies on, not a bad guy of the week, like we’ve been getting. An Arvin Sloane if you will.

Welcome to another edition of Puntabulous Guest Debates! Today I am pleased to welcome Brian from the online magazine Spangle Magazine! Spangle is Cleveland and Northeast Ohio’s premier source for arts, entertainment and culture for the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender communities. Get your dork hats on because today we are going to tackle a topic that would bring a tear to any science fiction lover’s eye:

WHICH IS THE BEST STAR TREK MOVIE?

Brian: So what’s the best Star Trek movie? If we’re going to debate that, look no further than the acting. We might as well ignore the Original vs. Next Generation casting, as that’s a whole other debate. So let’s look at guest stars. You want the easy route? Rely on the “Very-Important-Actor” gimmick: Throw Academy Award nominees (F. Murray Abraham, Alfre Woodard, Whoopi Goldberg and James Cromwell) or Stage People (Donna Murphy, Christopher Plummer and Tom Hardy) in a room together. Now you want to talk about rising above a challenge? That’s Wrath of Khan, which created film history by casting Mr. Roarke, the future star of Veronica’s Closet and an actress whose next biggest role was famously described by Ouiser Boudreaux as “two pigs fightin’ under a blanket.” And when you overcome those long odds? That’s an achievement, son.

Craig: Your argument reminds me of my Elementary School Graduation. After all the awards like the Math Award and the Art Award and the Science Award (which I got, thank you very much) were given out, the principal got up on stage and gave out the “Principal’s Choice Award” to all the students “who always gave their best”. And you know who got those awards? That’s right. The kids who didn’t get any other awards. So basically you want me to believe that Wrath of Khan is the best because all the actors suck? Or something? I wasn’t really following. First Contact is so unbelievably the best Star Trek movie. It has the best villains, the best special effects, the best captain, and now that you mention it, the best actors.

Brian: Well, Gov. Palin, you’ve certainly got me beat, what with your extraordinary debate tactic of citing lies and exaggerations as the Gospel. (Thank you, though, for mentioning Elementary School Graduations — I took home nine awards from Lakeridge Elementary that day, including Math, Art, Writing and, yes, Science. Nine times as many as any other fifth-grader that afternoon.) We could be here all week while I pick apart the four untruths of that last sentence of yours, but let’s just start with the first — best villain?! Yes, let’s take the most bad-ass TV sci-fi villains ever, throw out their entire frightening hive-mind mythology, and give them a queen. A queen who, by the way, apparently can be killed with bare hands and then miraculously show up in a shitty UPN spin-off a few years later. Ultimately, though, the problem is that the bad-ass became weak-ass because their actions have no lasting consequences; the only person of importance offed by the Borg is new lieutenant and sacrificial offering Neal McDonough. (His four lines are awesome. Just awesome.) Khan? Khan’s actions send the Enterprise to the scrap yard; massacre trainees, including Scotty’s nephew; and kill, in a devastating scene — spoiler alert — SPOCK!

Craig: Oh I’m sorry. Are the Borg not threatening enough? Because besides killing Atlantic City Film Festival’s award winning Best Actor Neal McDonough, the Borg also killed the ENTIRE HUMAN RACE and assimilated them into the Borg hive before the valiant crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise E went back in time and defeated them. And what’s wrong with having a Borg Queen? Every great hive needs a Queen to bring order to the chaos. Oh, unless you judge a villain by their breasts. I’m pretty sure the Queen’s were robotic, which might not be your thing. But if you love enormous plastic man boobs, then by all means Ricardo Mantalban’s Khan is by far the superior villain. Seriously, what are with those things? They’re bigger than Uhura’s, Saavik’s, and Scotty’s combined. And don’t even get me started on that “devastating” death scene that actually didn’t mean a damn thing because he was brought back to life in the next movie. Nice life or death consequences! Oh, except that death part.

Brian: Quoth Leonard Nimoy, on page 200 of I, Spock: “An interesting sidebar: As Khan, Montalban wore a costume that showed off his chest, which was so impressively developed that many viewers speculated it might be a false breastplate. I’m here to tell you: It most definitely wasn’t! Those were Montalban’s enviable pecs.” But of course, we’ve learned from a previous guest debate about your aversion to exercise, so we can’t count on you for a fair appreciation of Montalban’s mass. Speaking of ta-tas, let’s talk about that boob of a director, Jonathan Frakes — otherwise known as “Two Takes Frakes” by his actors. How about a third take, Riker? Perhaps you wouldn’t end up with so many ass line readings, such as Brent Spiner’s: “Sir, I think I speak for everyone when I say: To hell with our orders.” Painful. Can I please turn my emotion chip off?

Craig: Oh no you didn’t! You did not just make fun of Data’s lines. Because everything coming out of Data’s mouth is pure genius. But then again, I suppose when you’re used to the schtick that’s in Wrath of Khan (Oh look! The silly Russian man-boy doesn’t know how to properly enunciate the letter V! LOL!) the cleverness of First Contact might not be your cup of tea (Earl Grey. Hot.). And what’s so bad about only having two takes? When you have actors like Patrick Stewart and crew you don’t have to have more than two takes. Would you care to tell the world renowned classically trained actor that he should try it once again? But wait, weren’t you the one who said that Wrath of Khan was better because of the crappy actors? (Which I still haven’t quite figured out.) And Jonathan Frakes isn’t just an awesome (and quick!) director, he’s a star too! Who directed Wrath of Khan? Hold on, I have to look it up. Nicholas Meyer. Who’s that? His last directing credit was the 1999 TV film Vendetta. Guess things haven’t worked out too well for him. It’s sad to think that Wrath of Khan was a high point in his career. I would have thought you could only go up after that.

Brian: “Because everything coming out of Data’s mouth is pure genius”?!?! Evidence A: Ol’ Yellow Eyes is Back. Data’s stunt album of old pop standards, released and quickly sent to the trash heap in 1991. And that’s all I really need to say about that.

Craig: Oh do you even understand the door you just opened? Because if we’re going to talk about music albums by Star Trek actors how about we discuss the utter shitfest of the original crew’s musical endeavors? You haven’t lived until you heard William Shatner’s version of “Mr. Tambourine Man”. And I say that because once you hear it, you’ll go back in time and mix in a day-after-pill in your mom’s scrambled eggs the day after your conception to ensure that you’re never born. And then there is THIS which I just have no words. No words. Brent Spiner singing “When I Fall In Love” doesn’t sound so bad now, does it? Need another reason to love First Contact? Worf. No one in the original crew matches his badassery. “Assimilate this!” Boo ya!

Brian: Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Bad ass? Worf is defeated in battle when someone … punctures his space suit. That’s not bad ass, that’s just bad writing. And since we’ve already addressed poor dialogue, let’s mention some other poor plot points. For instance, only Picard knows how to defeat the Borg cube, but he keeps that information to himself. What, he couldn’t have pulled out his Blackberry and texted Starfleet the information? And then he destroys the deflector dish, but the ship manages to zoom back to the future without protective shields? Lame, and just bad physics. Ultimately, here’s why Khan is superior: It’s epic, but simple. Man vs. man. Hero vs. villain. A bloody, brutal fight to the finish that effectively destroys two ships, two crews and an entire nebula. And yet there is cathartic rebirth in the ending. Perfection.

Craig: Defeated in battle? Um, he was incapacitated for like, maybe a second, before he stitched up the hole using the amputated arm of a Borg drone that he cut off himself. That my friend, is badass. And you call Kirk and Khan’s showdown a bloody, brutal fight? You mean a fight where the hero and villain never even meet face to face? Yeah, that sounds really epic. More like septic! Hey-yo! At least Picard had the courage to face the Borg Queen herself in his daring plan to rescue Data from her evil robotic clutches. Star Trek: First Contact doesn’t end with a whiz bang space ship battle. No, that’s too easy and predictable. First Contact ended with three people in a room. Redefining what it means to be human. Dueling it out with little more than the power of the human mind. And to me, there is nothing more epic.

Brian: Oh noooooo! We wouldn’t want a whiz-bang space-ship battle to end a science fiction movie … set in space. That would be tewwible. Also, Picard’s daring plan to rescue Data is about as daring as President Bush’s plan to save the economy: Walk into a room filled with the people who are actually in charge and say, “Pretty please?” Also, which powerful human mind saved the day? I recall that it was Data’s decidedly non-human, android CPU. But as my red light is flashing and our moderator is glaring at me off-camera, I can’t waste any more time trying to debunk your lies and half-truths. Instead, I shall simply say this: Wrath of Khan beget Search for Spock, which beget The Voyage Home — an honest-to-goodness trilogy of Trek heaven that has never been attempted since. First Contact led to Insurrection, which led to Nemesis, which pretty much led to Paramount sending the entire series into a slingshot around the sun in hopes that the Original crew could save the sorry mess the Trekiverse has become. And that sad legacy is the simple truth of why you are wrong.

Craig: Wait a second. So Wrath of Khan is better than First Contact because it led up to the far more awesome (but still not as awesome as First Contact) Voyage Home? Frankly that line of thinking is rather… illogical. Yes, Insurrection and Nemesis were less than satisfactory follow-ups, but why should that impact the superiority of First Contact? First Contact has a better crew, a stronger villain, and a far more engaging story than any other Trek in history. And that little “slingshot around the sun” remark of your’s is old school Trek, made in a time when audiences weren’t smart enough to think about why in hell would slingshotting around the sun send you back in time. People these days (the Next Generation of movie-watchers, one might say) expect a bit more from their movies. Could you imagine Shatner’s hammy, scene-chewing dialogue hitting the big screen nowadays? It would get laughed right out of the theater. People enjoy Wrath of Khan because they grew up with it. They forgive it’s (many) flaws because it brings them back to their childhood. It was the first Star Trek movie that really had the scope that Trek fans wanted, and for that, I can respect it. But it’s time for Wrath of Khan to be put of to pasture. First Contact is here to stay.

So who do you guys think won?

Be sure to head over to Brian’s site: Spangle Magazine!

Think you could do better? Send me an e-mail with a topic you’d like to debate with me! If you’ve previously sent me a topic, and I never got back to you, or if we haven’t started the debating process yet, send me a reminder! I’m very forgetful! If you can’t think of a topic, but want to do a debate, send me an e-mail with your interests and we’ll work one out together! For more Puntabulous Debates CLICK HERE!

I realize that enticing you to watch Legend of the Seeker using sex appeal isn’t exactly the most noble path a fine upstanding gentleman such as myself should take, but sometimes even fine upstanding gentlemen need to play a little dirty.

1. That anyone who enjoys the song Christmas Shoes is a crazy person. Seriously, it’s the most god awful song on the face of the planet. It’s as if to say “Don’t be happy on Christmas, because some people die.”

2. That the person who programmed the swimming mechanism on Wii’s Super Mario Galaxy is an evil, evil person who should be doomed to play the swimming boards for all of eternity in the hell fires of damnation.

3. That no matter how well I wrap the Christmas lights the year before as I put them away, they will always be a tangled mess when I pull them back out the following year.

4. That no matter how hard I try, there will never be anything new in the refrigerator after having checked five minutes prior, however I will continue checking until there is.

5. That the best song on the album is very rarely the title track.

6. That Chia pets never look as good as they do in the commercials.

7. That companies who refuse to enter the 1990’s and start using e-mail instead of faxes are the most irritating companies in the marketplace and possibly responsible for the poor economy. Okay, maybe not that economy part, but I really hate when people fax stuff instead of e-mail.

8. That rice krispie treats are never as good as you remember.

9. That people from high school who you never liked very much suddenly become your very best friends when you’ve had slightly too many drinks and begin browsing Facebook. “OMG! How are you!?! It’s been too long! LOL!”

10. That I will always blank when it comes to thinking up a tenth item.

And the award for most annoying storyline of the year goes to Izzie and Denny on Grey’s Anatomy. It was a close call between this and the miraculous eclipse on Heroes that can be seen from anyplace on Earth and lasts for two hours, but the Izzie/Denny debacle takes the poo-frosted cake. It’s just such an awful storyline. Like, maybe if it happened right after he died and we all still cared about him, I could handle it a bit more, but it’s two years later. We’ve moved on. Actually, so did Izzie, because you know, she’s fallen in love with both George and Alex since then. So go away Denny! She burned your spirit-bearing sweater just like the mystical Native American told her to do. What must she do next? Burn down the Denny Duquette Memorial Clinic because it has your spirit in it also? At this point I would be surprised.