Ever try to debate Star Wars versus Star Trek with someone? I have. And they inevitably bring up Han Solo. As if the relative coolness of one character is enough to redeem an entire mediocre franchise. Well I would like to prove once and for all that Star Trek is better than Star Wars by proving their Han Solo argument is all wrong by demonstrating how Jean-Luc Picard is ultimately cooler:
1. Jean-Luc Picard’s starship is bigger. A lot bigger.
2. If Jean-Luc Picard’s starship fails, it’s for reasons of political intrigue and/or intergalactic anomalies, not comic effect.
3. Jean-Luc Picard is so cool, he doesn’t even have to fly his own ship. He has bitches for that.
4. Forsooth! Jean-Luc Piccard is played by thine awesome Shakespearean trained actor.
5. Jean-Lud Picard’s sidekick doesn’t smell like a wookie.
6. Jean-Luc Picard has had multiple love interests over the years, including the ever present adoration of Dr. Beverly Crusher. Han had a coked up princess.
7. Jean-Luc Picard hates children, while Han plays with ewoks.
8. Jean-Luc Picard never got frozen in carbonite, and if he had, he never would have made that goofy face.
9. Jean-Luc Picard never got tied up by ewoks.
10. Jean-Luc Picard talks smack to Borg while Han gets shit from protocol droids.
11. You can tell Jean-Luc Picard the odds and he’ll still beat them.
12. “Make is so.” is a way cooler command than “Punch it.”
13. Han Solo and Will Schuester share the same love of vests.
14. Jean-Luc Picard only becomes scruffy looking after living a lifetime in an alternate universe created by an extinct civilization.
15. Han Solo is always prattling on about getting a money reward, while they don’t even have money in Picard’s more sophisticated civilization.
16. Han Solo shoots bounty hunters who catch him and threaten to turn him over to criminal overlords. Jean-Luc Picard just doesn’t get caught by bounty hunters.
17. Jean-Luc Picard doesn’t get betrayed by his best friends.
18. Jean-Luc Picard can make the Kessel Run in less than five parsecs. He also knows that a parsec is a unit of distance, not time.
19. What does “Millennium Falcon” even mean, anyway?
20. Jean-Luc Picard gets higher billing.
21. Not only does Jean-Luc Picard save civilization in his own time period, he goes back in time to save civilization in the past as well. Han Solo didn’t even try to save us from the prequels.
22. Jean-Luc Picard makes references to classic literature. Han Solo makes references to that one time he did something cool a long time ago.
23. Jean-Luc Picard doesn’t scream like a girl when he’s getting tortured. Han Solo would have said there were five lights.
24. Jean-Luc Picard was never the third wheel in an incestuous love triangle.
25. Jean-Luc Picard was taken prisoner by the Borg because he would be a great asset to their collective. Han Solo was taken prisoner by Jabba the Hutt because he did a crappy job at the task he was hired for.
See? Waaaay cooler. Have anything you’d like to add?
